01x06 - Mother Love

[bunniefuu]

[Music]

no dad no the remote control is not

broken no have you

have you tried changing the batteries

yeah

the the thing on the bottom that's yeah

the thing pull it out

pull it out pull it out

never mind i'll do it when i get home

i said i'll do it when i get home

look i can't talk i got patients waiting

i said i got patience waiting

please i got i i gotta

i i gotta i'm going

i'm going

i'm going

goodbye

and bing's kids say they had it rough

oh

don't tell me my father just called you

too no

my mother's in town she's driving me

crazy stephen ever since my father d*ed

she's been impossible no no no no let me

tell you what impossible is all right

i'm going to work this morning my

father's on the front lawn watering the

azaleas in his jockey shorts

without a hose

nobody can get along with her nobody i

mean i love her but she's she's a real

pain in me you know what well your

mother's starting to sound like my

father with bigger breasts

oh wow that is a visual i wish i hadn't

thought of

anyway

i was just thinking what are you doing

tomorrow night no i don't know

probably disappointing my mother

well let's uh we'll go out to dinner

oh yeah

you me

my father your mother i'm not setting my

mother up with your father

the unholy spawn of their evil coupling

could be the end of the world as we know

it

that's not a setup it's a harmless

dinner and it really could help man a

lot i mean the only woman he's even

spoken to since they split up was that

poor cross-eyed margaret you know who

lives in the bank parking lot and that

was only to ask her not to urinate on

his tires

please

well only if you drive my mother home

afterwards i'm supposed to see frank

tomorrow night oh the married guy

he's not married he's separated yeah

he's about as separated as chang and eng

okay

we'll go but quite frankly i have a

feeling i'm being a little taken

advantage of you oh come on you owe me i

never told anyone about you dating that

waitress who turned out to be a man

named raoul

all right shut up it's a deal but we're

splitting the check

and i say that in a

pro-feminist cheapskate kind of way

right okay well uh but this is not a

setup no no no it's not a set of it's

it's nothing it's nothing but just a

harmless dinner that's right no pressure

at all right no pressure well except the

pressure on us i mean it's very hard to

digest your food when you're sitting

next to a guy who opens his pants after

every course

well

that depends on the man

it's too soon for me to date

it's not a date it's a dinner

your mother just walked out of me you

know

i know but you always have to say that i

mean becoming like an overused

expression like have a nice day or don't

worry i'll leave my underwear on

well i'm not ready to date yet it's not

a date it's a meal okay really if

anything else happened tonight it's your

own fault i mean christine's not my date

well you could do worse remember that

waitress with the mustache

i gotta go i'll see you at the

restaurant at seven

hey uh aren't you gonna pick me up

the restaurant's in manhattan and

and they work in manhattan

so

so we live in new jersey

and so and so i'm not picking you up you

think i'm nuts i'm gonna drive all the

way in from manhattan and pick you up

just to drive you to a restaurant five

blocks from where i work

hey i'm not driving into new york those

people are crazy they'll k*ll you for a

nickel

you'll do fine you're an excellent try

but really just remember to do

everything you always do drive 20 miles

an hour under the speed limit in the

fast lane with the blinker on

yeah

well i never got a ticket have i

look at these prices

stop looking at them i'm paying for us

12 for a hamburger

for 12 the waitress should take in the

back room and make you think of guam

maybe she will ask her when you order

what you want to ask him down

oh uh never mind i'm not hungry yeah

well a free basket of bread will do that

to you

what's your problem you get turned down

for a deodorant commercial hey i was

perfect for that commercial see get away

from me

wait a minute what the hell is that

it's called water sir well get it out of

here huh i'm not paying the french one

penny

tap water pal that's when i drink only

tap water some things in life are still

free

i'm sorry i'll have the mineral order

thank you huh what do you scared her

he's a waiter what do you think he's

gonna do jump us out of crackers

actually i was thinking spitting out

food

be a man order them around you man order

them around what is wrong with you i'm

gonna treat him with respect the guy's a

human being no he's not he's a waiter

i wanted to be treated like crap i'd

stay home with you

we have some bread over here boy

please i beg of you don't embarrass me

while i'm eating it's very hard to

apologize and swallow at the same time

i do recall

i'm very ambivalent stuart isn't stephen

i'm sorry i'm sorry flight attendant

they're here

wow you didn't say she'd look like that

oh i thought it was too soon to date for

you yeah i don't have that much time

left

hello ladies

hello

i've seen all those pictures if they

just ate all those flies they'd probably

be over 300 pounds

look at him christine it's don juan from

hell

they're really hitting it off

so tell me if a homeless person comes up

to you and asks for change what do you

say

sell a kidney

i love this woman

look at them

yeah look at them two ignorant

misinformed people with opinions they

should be i don't know on the supreme

court

this was a great idea

yeah you never know

you might be brother and sister soon

good

then if you ever touch me it'll be

against the law

i have to go

uh this has been fun but i but i really

have to run uh get your elbows off the

table christine sorry mom but but i have

to go sit down young lady we're still

eating the night is young

i'm sorry but but i have to meet someone

who

someone he can wait no he can't wait mom

this is very important sit down

christine you're embarrassing me i'm

sorry al sometimes she's just like her

father i know what you mean

stephen sometimes is just like his

mother what when when you sit on the

toilet with the door open yelling

somebody answer the phone

wow you know it's really really a good

thing that i lost all sense of dignity

by the third grade

listen mrs winters it's okay we can uh

drive it back to the hotel right

absolutely really

oh

well that's wonderful see so i have to

go i'll call you tomorrow mom bye-o

well

me and two handsome men

i know i'm here i don't know who else

came in

[Laughter]

now you're sure it's no problem for

somebody to drive me of course not i

have a great big beautiful cadillac

parked right out front

and stephen has his japanese piece of

anti-american crap

that's deluxe model japanese piece of

any american crap

well all right then

stephen do you mind

what

excuse me would you mind driving me back

to the hotel

and i'll i'll take you oh i'm sorry al i

need to talk to stephen alone about

christina and this man she's seeing oh

sure sure you don't mind do you oh of

course not

you're sure

absolutely

stephen you take her

all right then uh yeah you know uh

waiter

yeah

[Music]

thank you for walking me up i have a

horrible fear of elevators

that's okay i feel you okay because i

have a horrible feel of small people

with bovine

faces sit down

catch your breath

um

it was so nice of you to drive me back

you sure i didn't keep you from anything

no no there's one thing i have it's a

totally clear schedule

that is until i think uh next spring

while i have to fly back to uh you know

capistrano

what would you like to drink oh anything

gatorade kool-aid amniotic fluid you

know

you're very funny you're just like your

father ah no

not really the only similarity between

me and pop is that

we both thought that george laser made a

great james bond

oh my wow you have such

firm masculine hands well thank you very

much it runs in the family and people

are from the earth

farmers no grovelers

they look so

certain so cocksure

come again

excuse me

uh nothing thirsty liquid it's here

great

oh

what's in this vodka i'm sorry you said

anything are you all right uh yeah right

you seem a little tense no no no

i couldn't be more relaxed

but i'm hot it's very hot huh it's very

hot yeah

see

yes

mercy you do a real good roy orbis

no it was bad steven

it was bad and i'm bad i'm a bad little

girl oh wait a minute wait a minute

really are you trying to seduce me mrs

winters yes how am i doing very good i

mean it's not crazy i mean what are you

insane what's wrong come on what i'm a

woman you're a

man are you sure

what's wrong are you gabe no i'm not i'm

not gay but i would be it would help the

situation

please i bet you wanted to ask me about

christine oh right

how's she doing

she's all right

good

there we talked about her now come here

and kiss me you know you want me i saw

how you looked at me over dinner ah what

looked there was no look we left your

lips and turned all red

because i'm allergic to mushrooms they

make me swell up

we can order some from room service oh

god come on

look we could watch ourselves in the

mirror what

oh god

oh god

stabbed in the back by my own son pete

kids can be cruel al

that's why i never answered the phone

she was a good-looking woman too

she's the first one i've spoken to since

helen left

except for cross side margaret down at

the bank

you know her noah she pees all over my

tires

[Music]

hi dad

hi he said pete did you hear that i hear

him

all how's mrs winters judas

you know the broad you stole out from

under me

come on dad she wasn't unto you and i

feel bad enough no you don't

yes i do and i don't believe this you

don't believe it you should have seen

pete's face when i told him how you

boink christine's mother

show them the face pete

i'm telling you i'm innocent

god i feel like dr richard kimball

look i didn't do it what do you mean

it means he couldn't launch the love

boat

trust me i know the signs

i'm telling you we sat up talking well

she patted you on the back with pity in

her eyes oh i know i know

shut up pete

you get a beautiful dame and she makes a

play for you and you say no thanks what

are you a caboose boy

caboose boy

this is so ridiculous death plus i do

not owe you or your trained fantasies

any explanation

hey

it's almost five o'clock in the morning

did you sleep with her or not

hurry up i want to go to bed yeah and i

have to deliver my papers

look look it wasn't actually a sleeping

kind of thing it was more like a chase

me around the room and butt me up

against the wet bar kind of thing let me

tell you she has like the strength of

ten men i wouldn't know i've never been

with ten men

good one

out

look

she wanted to but i didn't

i wouldn't do that to you pop come on

i'm sorry i didn't mean to hurt you oh

pour me another drink pete i can still

hear him talking

you know guys uh

quite frankly amidst all this pain there

really is something very positive we

should all realize here

you found a woman attracted dad what

kind of cr*ck is that

it's not a cr*ck it's not a cr*ck it's a

good thing it's progress you're getting

over mom's leaving it's a small step so

is william holden's on that area rug

look dad

i'm serious all right really i'm not

interested in christine's mother so you

can call her if you want i don't want to

be near her anybody that could be

attractive to you must have a lot of

problems right pete

oh i'm sorry i was distracted

you know it might just be the wild

turkey but

has anyone ever told you you have cocked

your hands

[Music]

good morning boy you look tired big

night last night uh yeah yeah is

christine in her office uh not yet

great

you slept with my mother

she told you that no your father called

me at two in the morning and how he got

frank's number i'll never know

no wait a minute i can explain really

uh your messages i thought you said she

wasn't in yet

her office you didn't ask me about your

office huh you slept with my mother can

i sit in on this no

how could you

i didn't but it was very close she got

me in a headlock and there was some

tumbling involved

mom

want me to shop in some pencils no

mother

steven i just wanted to come by and

thank you for being so wonderful last

night

no wait christine you don't understand

that's right you see last night steven

showed me something that no other man

has ever shown me before

you sick bastard

christine will you relax it's nothing

that you couldn't have done yourself

what are you talking about well after

steven drove me home last night i threw

myself at him made a fool out of myself

actually no no no no it's not like you

know women don't throw themselves at me

all the time

they don't shut up

we got to talking and

steven made me realize that lately i've

been going after men indiscriminately i

don't understand why didn't you just let

al drive you home you two were wonderful

together in a hideous bigoted way

i know that's what i was afraid of

i felt safer with stephen

i knew there was no future in it you see

christine it's an obvious pattern your

mother is just going out with

inappropriate men so then she doesn't

have to deal with a real relationship

you're still not over dead are you

you just don't get over a man like your

father christine i i can't believe how

i've lowered my standards trying to fill

that void

throwing myself at anyone anyone hobos

jockeys stephen

she means that really great-looking hobo

in 23rd you know the buff one yeah

mom why don't we uh go next door to my

office and talk

i'm sorry

bye steven

thank you for understanding and uh

i'm sorry about that hickey

wow i'm lucky i was facing this way

[Music]

hi honey i'm home

hi stephen

i'm glad you're here

i thought about it and

i was wrong

i should have trusted you

i mean you haven't had any action since

i moved in

why should you suddenly strike gold now

come on dad huh with all due respect i

think i struck some silver huh

but seriously pop come on the important

thing is now you're starting to get over

mom

well since that big breakthrough i i

thought i'd get out my little black book

and

stir up a little action any luck

yeah it's a little outdated

eleven of the women i called were were

dead

three were in a home and one couldn't

hear over the noise from hawaiian lung

i guess it just doesn't get any easier

dating no matter how old you are

i'm not so sure

the one in the iron lung looks a little

promising

she's already lying down

[Music]

life is stolen this dog they're stolen

distilled they're still just still

there's still the stilt will hit me in

the head so i can keep going

gonna get on a jerry lewis telephone huh

walk on

so you have a beautiful dame and she

makes a play for you and you say no

thanks

what are you

what's the matter with you we're doing

good damn it

jesus christ you're not used to comedy

pain in the ass jesus

can't get a break here for crying out

loud

two jews sitting here waiting for a car

and he's irish

get three lines in a row and they stop

you

i can't work with this crap anymore i

can't

let's get some real booze in here

i got a betty ford i'm okay

hello hollywood i'm trying my best okay

the lights are hollowing around you

measure entrance and

just make the engines

so good so good it scares me

where we take that from here i'm just in

a show that's gonna have my whole family

hurt

you change the pimples on your ass of

god

you smile from the wonderful sky

she's already lying down

[Music]

sure you guys can laugh

i'm the one that's gonna get three

b*ll*ts in the heart

as he's sitting playing with his toys in

his house

[Music]