[Music]
you're a smug bastard alex trebek
dad
quiet quiet huh i'm watching jeopardy
ethnic cultures for a hundred
what is sombrero
that will you look at me huh i was
robbed hey it's not my fault you look
like your mother
look i i was mugged someone jumped me in
the subway
jeez man they got my watch my wallet oh
my little car that tells me how much to
tip
looks like they b*at the hell out of you
black guy
you know if your information was a white
guy you're unbelievable hey what did i
do
what to do because i got mugged you know
you can't assume it was a black guy
don't blame me you blame television
you know something and if i just get
over this business i think i'll be fine
oh wait man
i think i see grandpa in the doorway is
that a bad sign
who was it huh was it a crackhead you
ought to know with all the punching and
rolling down the stairs i forgot to ask
looks like a crackhead job to me
gee thanks a lot sherlock holmes i
cannot believe don't even ask me how i
am well you're walking aren't you and
the stain on your pants is dry you look
okay to me
tell me the truth did you fight back
oh of course yeah
i slammed my groin into his foot a
couple of times and i threw myself up
against a brick wall and i bled through
my ears now why someone to ruin his
appetite
[Laughter]
yeah
damn city gets worse every year
why do you still work there hey my
practice is there my my patients are
there your wallet's there
i'm the bucket of a crackhead
dad not everybody in new york city is a
crackhead
do you hate me that much
you have to defend crackheads when you
talk to me
dad i am not
i don't hate you look can we just stop
talking about crackheads
i mean please you know i happen to love
new york
i loved world w*r ii but i'm glad it's
over new york is right here
and new york is where you'll die shoved
in front of a subway stabbed in the park
crushed in the head by a penny thrown
off the empire state building
i got news for you
don't worry about me okay cause i'm
gonna be fine believe me i can handle
myself all right i can handle myself
The Donut Boy
oh yeah really
well then stop following me huh get out
of here you crazy son of a
stephen that's corky the donut boy
he sells treats here every morning to
pay for his medication that's right
that's right christine we should go
outside and buy a crowler and i don't
know tip him a dime
what's the matter with you yeah you've
been snapping at people all week i'm
sorry i know i'm just uh obsessing on
trying to stay alive steven no one tried
to k*ll you you were robbed a week ago
and what's that supposed to mean
we're in new york city and get used to
it no i didn't mean i'm not gonna get
used to it christine
where's the donut
corky says no treat for bad man
so you want to come in my office and
talk about this uh no i don't but i
really appreciate the concern uh i'm uh
i'm fine i'm fine
i know i'm overreacting that i know but
that's a good thing you know why because
i'm not numb
and that means i'm still alive and by
god i'm to stay that way bye god
let me tell you about something this
whole week i haven't slept one night
thinking about what happened you realize
that nobody did anything to help me
nobody except one guy one guy was
shouting with a bullhorn repent repent
what kind of kind of place do we live in
anymore what happened to society
everyone's so complacent and so
apathetic and so desensitized but not me
okay oh really but i'm sick of this crap
and i'm not going to take it anymore
stephen don't mess with me man
wow
that's the first time i've ever found
you even remotely attractive
really
i think you both need help
[Music]
Two Bucks
[Applause]
here you go chief two bucks
wait a minute this thing started as a
rock
don't damage the merchandise
i wish i could k*ll goliath with this
oh oh excuse me excuse me
okay that's okay it's okay
oh look um you uh got any change uh look
i'm in a hurry i need quarters lots of
quarters oh gosh peachos
whoa what's the matter with you man last
time i looked like that a korean chicken
told me the kid was mine
sorry a little defensive got mugged last
week ouch i was wrong once too by old
broken down hooker yes sir i still
remember her laughing have greasy wine
breath in my face her slapping her big
old wrestler's arms upside my head
seems like only yesterday
in fact it was yesterday
nothing quite like a wide hip wide
breathing hooker to whip you with a car
antenna
[Music]
i love new york
thank you my good man keep the tape what
change you didn't give him any money yet
how did that happen
okay pal two bucks
hey there's a line forming gold box come
on i don't want it i won't take it back
forget about it you chewed it two bucks
hey these are not my teeth marks
all right buck and a half no i don't
know
all right
give me a cream soda will you
holy me where's my wallet
oh my god i can't believe this two
wallets in one week no way
nice try jackass that's it i'm tired of
this crap hey give it to me get off me
man you crazy you're wrinkling the class
man
oh man get off me police the police are
not going to help you give it to me oh
man you please please can't we all get
along
if you don't give me the wallet i swear
to god i'm going to k*ll you with
somebody ot
here
look
i i i i should have never left these
trucks you people are crazy
damn
what about that cream soda now huh here
take it take it oh the indignity
so huh hey that's my piece of this or
what huh
Pete Jeopardy
who is maxime gorky
what is the chemical symbol for boron
what are you doing pete
jeopardy ended two hours ago
i know how but those two questions have
been haunting me
[Music]
i stood up for myself i protected myself
and i actually ran off a guy who tried
to mug me
today my son you are a man
yeah the old bump and pick yeah the old
bump and pick
sounds like a 90 year old stripper with
a wedgie
good one out no no it's a pickpocket
technique and luckily i caught on just
in time so i could take it back
take it back yeah my new wallet
your new wallet
you mean the new black leather one you
bought two days ago
well it's been sitting on top of the tv
set you put it there this morning
what the heck is this what
oh
god
i mugged an innocent man
best peanuts in town
look at these pictures pete these kids
are ugly as sin
oh jeez
don't they have a telethon for that
so how can i return a wallet without an
id huh how much is in there
no not much 12 bucks hey forget about it
go to mcdonald's and eat like a king
this isn't mine look at this pete he's
got principles what kind of principles
he mugged the guy for 12 bucks
no wonder our country's going to hell
hey i didn't mug anybody mr peters yes
you did stephen
yes i did no you're right you know what
i'm gonna find this guy
what are you an idiot who's an idiot no
i'm sure the guy works near me in the
city so i'll go early one day i'll i'll
try to find him i'll tell him what
happened i'm sure he'll understand then
i'm going with you why what do you mean
why she don't get in trouble again you
coming along pete can't i hate new york
i can never find a restroom what are you
talking about there's plenty of
restrooms yes but after two hours so
they make you get out
i'm going with you stephen oh fantastic
dad fights crime with me my dream come
true
second only to cindy crawford and
claudia's ship of mud wrestling with
andy
don't know how you're gonna davis the
right guy
there's hundreds of people in new york
hundreds i'm telling you
yeah pete's right how are you gonna
remember who the guy is remember oh i
will never forget this guy that innocent
face and those blood-curdling screams
they'll haunt my dreams forever
do you know what the guy looks like yeah
he was middle-aged black he wore this uh
flashy ugly suit are you telling me you
you mugged a black guy
no yeah
so funny
nothing mr liberal
there's nothing funny about this
you're right
a black guy bumps into you and miss the
liberal democrat assumes he's robbing
him
i didn't do it because he was black
no
oh god you think i assumed he was good
because he was black
well he didn't like a white
huh you know
what does that mean i mean uh
what's that say about me
draw your own conclusion
you know
you've contaminated me
i'm a bigot
[Laughter]
[Music]
Get Lost
yeah right i always need a pencil when i
walk down the street get lost baldy
get your pretzels hey mister
right here hot and soul no thanks i like
girls
oh dad this is so stupid there's like a
million people in the city like we're
gonna find one guy huh
i mean it's like a complete waste of
time
that's him that's the guy
he stole my water arrest him arrest him
oh come on come on i did not steal your
wallet hey i had 200 in my wallet and i
want it back
all right calm down sir calm down what
do you mean calm down are you going to
arrest him or not i'll sue the city i've
done it before
man this guy is absolutely crazy come on
you're not 20 in your wallet you had
like like 12 bucks and a couple of
condoms ah
and those pictures of those ugly kids
and who are you sir um i'm with him it's
his accomplice well you keep out of this
and for your information those pictures
in my wallet were not of my kids they
were just there to remind me to use the
condom
are you lucky we're not here alone and i
don't have my rubber hose no wait a
minute you're making a terrible mistake
you made the mistake pal up against the
wall no no no no wait i can explain all
right look i took the wallet but i
didn't steal it it was more like uh i
can tell it it's very simple his wallet
was gone
he saw this black man and assumed he
took it what
that's right uh well uh yes no i mean
sort of that's it up against the wall
oh geez
now i have moose all over my hand
that makes me very angry oh this is
really ridiculous what's the matter with
you people
you people
yeah let me handle this really uh
he didn't mean uh you know you people i
mean not in the uh ross perot sense you
know
you know you people and uh and uh as in
like uh you you know officers of the law
whom i respect people right as a matter
of fact you know i could have shown you
my tickets to the policeman's ball but
ironically enough they were stolen and
by a white man may i had who was
definitely of irish polish extraction
now he's making fun of my people
are you mad no just a little hurt that's
all man
hey if you want me that bad don't you
think you ought to buy me a drink first
this is really getting out of control
huh just keep resisting with a head that
big i can't miss
let's go
oh
and i want my money back and i want it
all in quarters
[Music]
Dont Talk To The Guards
oh
excuse me it's not like a business class
so
look dad
you listen to me i'm doing this for your
own good don't look at them don't talk
to them and don't open your mouth
that's what our sarge told us before we
got that weekend pass in greece
hey come on really come on we can all
act so high there's no reason for us to
act like animals here right
shut up little girl
yes sir
look i gotta get out of here this guy's
eyeing me like i'm a pork chop
oh geez
you know i i i i could help you with
that you know uh
not that uh i i'm a psychologist did i
happen to mention that
well
now we know what herve village has left
you in his will
jesus you might as well be a girl
i know what you're laughing at big fella
you're laughing because as we're
standing here your friend is over my
house robbing my stereo
dad what are you insane i told you not
to talk oh okay i'm sorry
why don't you marry into family huh in
fact my son is right over here you can
take him against the bars right now
uh he he was he was just kidding uh and
by the way i also had like a yeast thing
going on with you
[Music]
[Laughter]
what are you in for all the time
i'm a male hooker
you
ah white-collar crime fight colicron huh
mm-hmm i k*lled the priest
he probably asked for it
no actually he asked me to stop
did that will you stop talking to these
guys before they carve their initials on
our genitals huh
stephen believe me they're just trying
to intimidate you and they know they're
getting to you well they are getting to
me so you knock it off please before
they start playing jew boy pass around
look you go first i'll block the guards
for you okay
oh
oh boy do i have to use a toilet you
guys don't mind turning around do you
never mind move point now
what'd you call me
get lost mungo
which part of don't talk to them but
don't you understand huh
you know he didn't really mean what he
said he's an idiot savant my brother's
an idiot savant you can play the piano
oh how nice for you
i'm sorry stephen but i got to tell you
i lived with your mother for 40 years
and i know how to handle these guys hey
put out that cigarette butt breath
shut up you're talking to me yeah i'm
talking to you
but the butt out
dad if you're in a prison cell don't
tell anyone to put their butt out
[Laughter]
you want a light
[Laughter]
just shut up
oh the big guy is starting to form words
man okay okay all right no put him down
all right
does that come out of me whoa
[Music]
rich bird
put him down
oh
you okay
yeah
yeah i'm i'm okay
plus my sphincter just ate through my
socks
crazy or what i was only trying to help
help
this whole thing is your fault
if you haven't gotten those cops over we
wouldn't even be here in the first place
my fault
you're the one that mugged that innocent
black guy
you did what
oh you're right
i deserve to be here i'm nothing but a
bigot who knew
you're not a bigot you're just paranoid
yeah
i guess i was
you'd have gone after anyone who bumped
into you black white green or whatever
that color michael jackson is hey
i made fun of michael my son's at his
house this weekend
dad you're doing it again damn it huh
first you get me arrested now you're
going to get me k*lled you know i'm
ashamed to be related to you
you're like a worse family embarrassment
than an adelaide when she wears those
hats made out of lunch meat
would you have a sense of humor what are
you a critic
am i right dances with chopsticks
by the way i spoke to that doctor if you
get that operation you look just like
one of us
[Music]
you know and i never got to see spain um
cut it out he's only kidding uh pyson we
love the italians we need the italians
who else would sleep with those ugly
girls
don't hurt me listen don't hurt me
not the face not the face
oh okay the face the face
Dont Laugh With People You Like
thank god i got that guy you much to
settle out of court
what did it take
two hundred dollars in quarters and uh a
subscription to barely legal
that was a pretty exciting afternoon uh
better than watching that mama's boy on
jeopardy that's for sure
you're never gonna change are you what
do you mean well you're gonna just keep
making with those ethnic jokes and think
it's okay huh you know like it's some
kind of sign of friendship or a
primitive compliment or something you
can only laugh with people you like oh
really i didn't have too many people
laughing in the jail cell well yet i did
that that one guy the giant man who hit
the tail off of the rack
you know what that when they jumped us i
thought that my life was gonna flash you
know right before my eyes instead
all i kept thinking was
why is there a drain in the middle of
this floor
you know you have a lot of problems
get it
tell me something ribs they grow back
don't they
stephen i wish you'd consider moving out
of new york
all right i'll consider it
well
i'll get it
boy thanks dad you know i i worry about
you too
yeah
hold on i'll see
it's one of the guys from the jail
he wants to know if you found the rose
yet
Dancing Chopsticks
figure right out butt bath
[Music]
[Laughter]
put the cigarette out butt breath
i didn't say it right again
well at this point i don't care anymore
because i'm gonna drink a bottle of
vodka
i mean
the quality will be about 3 30 tomorrow
am i right they're dancing chopsticks
i mean
by the way uh i spoke to the doctor and
if you get that operation you'll be able
to see just like one of us
that's wrong
that's wrong
how to throw in dancing chopsticks
couldn't leave me alone
hey now he's picking on my people what
are you mad
now he's making fun of my people
hey
what are you mad
now he's making fun of my people hey
what are you mad no i'm just a little
hurt that's all
no he's making fun of my people
my breasts
[Music]
you
01x09 - American We
Watch/Buy Amazon
Revolves around Dr. Steven Mitchell, a psychologist who lived in Manhattan with his young son and, despite his constant insults and put downs, his father Al , an obnoxious used car salesman who was recently separated from his wife Helen.
Revolves around Dr. Steven Mitchell, a psychologist who lived in Manhattan with his young son and, despite his constant insults and put downs, his father Al , an obnoxious used car salesman who was recently separated from his wife Helen.