01x10 - Thanks, But No Thanks

[bunniefuu]

[Music]

happy turkey day

hey

i bought the beer

yeah we'll leave it to you mr peters

with the family gathering without a

12-pack of brewmeister huh

i'll put this right next to the carrot

soaked in bourbon

i'm sorry i didn't bring the candy dams

but that was rosa's specialty

all right oh your late wife mr peters

i'm so sorry the holidays must be very

hard for you huh yeah but not as hard as

when i had to pull the plug on rose

oh uh

by the way if anybody asks i was at the

movies that day

okay the party

hi ma hi steven

danny

my favorite grandson

[Music]

here take grandma's coat upstairs and if

you look in the pocket you'll see some

candy right next to the toenail clippers

that's great mom really

rotted teeth and spoilers appetite huh

hello

so uh who's this this is my new

gentleman friend hank winston

hank

this is my son dr

stephen mitchell

well you just call me hank oh and uh

thanks for having me over

comedy is just one of his talents

brewmeister

you mind if i have one help yourself

thank you

you're welcome

you've bought a date what's the matter

with you what

a woman has needs and my needs have to

be attended to regularly oh god will you

stop with that you know you make sex

sound like a trip to the dentist

with your father it was

especially when he'd say helen

don't worry you won't feel a thing

besides i said i was gonna bring a

little something yeah i know but i

thought that meant you were gonna bring

a vegetable

never mind you did and adelaide

she's still wearing that toilet paper

holder on her head

ellen you forgot the spoons enough

already with the spoons i've heard

nothing but the spoon since we got off

the new jersey turnpike

and natalie

remember me

phillip

no

stephen

oh

steven

no time

macaroons today huh

and where is denise your lovely daughter

my

oh no no i i i don't have a daughter i

have i have a son his name is danny hi

happy thanksgiving

you look so very nice

shyster

what's she doing here

you're only supposed to bring fruitcake

on christmas

not her fault a television set fell on

her head

where's my two thousand dollars

that again you looney i paid you back

that money in 1962.

[Applause]

[Music]

you never called

i don't know you

uh sweetheart i i think you forgot to

pay the cabbie oh this isn't a cabbie

this is my date

i'm hank winston and i have a hankering

for turkey i get it

i'm out

get bent

please

what are you doing this is thanksgiving

you don't say get bent to the guests

get them out of here

what are you jealous that's not it at

all we only have food for 10 people now

either you're gonna kick him out or i'm

gonna kick him out hey look dad today is

danny's day please i'm i'm trying to

show that we all can get along together

like a normal family you got to do it

for him hey what's going on your mother

brought a date

oh great lucky i brought enough pie for

the cops

stephen

yeah pam is here in china oh great

thanks very much mr peters now look hey

pop it's not gonna k*ll you to put on a

happy face for one day all right i mean

big deal so your ex-wife is dating again

what's it mean it's not a big thing

look steven it's pam

and she brought a date

[Music]

so you brought a date huh the nerve of

that woman

i said i might bring a friend

yeah but i thought you meant you know

your you know your fat friend shirley

you know the one with you know the lazy

eye

hi

i'm eric

hi eric

merry christmas

he's the brawny towel man

i just love your paper towels

pam can i talk to you for a second

steven can we eat soon i mean my kids

are sizing up aunt adelaide and

you know how slow she runs

oh hi honey oh

look who's here uncle laird

uncle eric hey danny boy

uh danny he's he's not a real huncle

okay

that's right because if he was he

wouldn't sleep over in your mother's

room

mom

he doesn't sleep over oh what if he

leaves at two in the morning it doesn't

count

hey i know once you are upstairs and see

if there's any more candy in your

grandmother's coat huh

hey brewmeister my favorite

so

how do you think uh danny's gonna take

his mother coming with a date huh do you

wanna think he comes from a broken home

or what stephen you date

hey i'm the man you're the mother

i'm the queen of the druids

can i please talk to you in the kitchen

huh what already with the kitchen i just

got here uh

let me let me talk to him in the kitchen

huh no no i don't want to talk to you in

the kitchen we already spoke in the

kitchen i want to talk to the pam in the

kitchen

you'll excuse us it's his medication we

have to keep it refrigerated

you know

it's not the swelling that i mind

it's that painful itching

so your ex-wife's dating too how do you

like it hey this is completely different

than how danny is too young to

understand this

ethan you have guests out there

i'm gonna get out of here i'm trying to

have a discussion with dad huh don't you

yell at me i'm not the one who brought a

date

wait a minute

yes i am

get out of here

i told you not to marry her in the first

place

got

and darling can i get you a drink

stephen

don't worry about this i've been through

all this

uh can i give you some advice

walk tall and never let them know

anything bothers you

and whatever you do never let them see

your sweat

thanks dad and one other thing

give me some men who are scout-hearted

men who will fight for the right they

enjoy

it's not the same without rose i mean

that woman really knew how to rub

ointment on a scar

not too hard and not too soft you know

so danny is there anything else you want

to know about building a skyscraper did

you ever fall off sure just not from the

top

oh please hey danny remember the time i

fell off my chair at the office huh i

had to go to the hospital

make a fool of yourself good plan

ah hey fella

i guess you never saw a blackhead that

big before huh

[Applause]

go away al we're having a moment

i hate to tell you this helen

your moment came and went sometime

around march 1948.

too bad you were out of the room

so tell me hank what do you do when

you're not driving off the road uh so

helen can throw up on her shoes

well actually i'm a retired car salesman

oh really uh

japanese cars right

that would explain your attraction to

godzilla

are you kidding i wouldn't sell foreign

cars you know what country this is

oh

how about a drink hank well maybe later

but i will have a hunk

i mean a hank a cheese

how come your wife never wears that

dress i made for

her and adelaide it was made out of

lunch meat

did she wear it

no she didn't wear it she ate it

she ate a dress

what a cow

near the end i could get rose to moo

like a cow

if i twisted the tubes a certain way

a diaphragm right

i could play misty

you think that was something i sold

three pintos in one day as is

boy al you are a pro i think the best i

ever did was sell a guy a 12-year

extended warranty on a 72-less saber

only i sold it in 86.

[Laughter]

i need a drink

all right here we go cookies for danny

get him all the hearts i know you

shouldn't have him before dinner but hey

you got to spoil your only son am i

right huh

danny stephen he's out in the backyard

he's playing football with eric and

larry and the kids she

will this guy stop at nothing to show me

up in front of my own son hey this guy

wants competition i'm gonna give him

some competition

oh god

you see him too

stephen is playing football yeah why

don't you go out and join them they

could use a good linebacker

[Laughter]

oh my god what happened

uh it's okay things just got you know

the rough

a little rough steven you tackled the

guy he didn't even have the ball what

are you trying to prove

oh god hey eric listen

i'm sorry i hit you so hard you know but

i figured a guy who works out like you

you know wouldn't

go down like a girl you know

i guess i just don't know my own

strength huh

come on

i guarantee it'll work for you give it a

try

hi

i'm glad to b*at you

i'm laughing so hard i'm starting to cry

anybody have a handkerchief

stop it that's al i can take

let's eat damn it

larry where's arlene i haven't seen her

all day uh she's in the bathroom

last night was boys night out so she

didn't get until real late

i i don't think she's feeling too good

that's a plumbing nightmare waiting to

happen

before we start eating i think it would

be nice if we all

said something that we're thankful for

i'll start

i am thankful that i have retained my

girlish figure so i could attract this

beefy hug

you mean this beefy hank

larry what are you thankful for

i'm thankful that i only have 40 more

years to live

i'm thankful to hiking out for getting

my mind off my dead wife

damn

i'd be thankful if i could eat my

tapioca but i don't have a freaking

spoon

[Applause]

i'll be thankful we'll skip all this

crap and start to eat

danny what are you thankful for i'm

thankful uncle eric's okay hey listen

why don't we just like save some time

and skip right to uh

danny why don't you come meet your new

dad huh

doctor my water just broke

excuse me

what's the matter pam got another

boyfriend in the kitchen

hank off helen

i never liked her

she's catholic

chick's a

steven what are you doing out there

don't you know how hard this is for me

oh this is hard for you and what about

me i have to watch you with you know

uncle eric

i i just think it's the right thing for

danny

look as long as we only date people when

danny's at the other house he'll never

learn to deal with the fact that we have

separate lives now

i know

i know

you're right

how did we end up like this

you left me have you forgotten

stephen don't start this again

i'm sorry but i lost you okay and i

guess i'm just afraid i'm going to lose

danny too

hey hey

you'll never lose danny okay

or me

i may not be your wife anymore but i am

still your friend huh

wow

oh wow

you want to sleep with an old friend

no

no no

i'm i'm sorry

really

you want to make out against the wall

no

no i'm sorry really but what about if

you like you know close your eyes and

turn around for a few minutes huh

you're so pathetic

yeah i know i'm really pathetic

but in kind of a sexy way huh

come on let's go rejoin the family while

everyone's still on speaking terms

damn helen how many cranberries you got

stuffed in those cheeks ah go to hell

oh do we have to rejoin this family

goodbye

and uh

hanks for the memories

what a jerk

so will we be seeing him again

when pigs fly out of my bus

i only brought him here to make your

father jealous and he blew it

now i'm gonna have to find somebody else

speaking of which

what do you think of that cute korean

man that works at the mini mart

good-bye mom

and don't forget about aunt adelaide you

know she got about a two and a half

blocks stalling you so you better hurry

up

all right arlene we're coming we're

coming heavy look

i'm sorry about your bathroom steven you

know arlene when she eats turkey hey

don't worry about it sorry really don't

worry about it and goodbye guys and do

you have enough food no

all right stop at wendy's

what's along mr peters

hey listen are you gonna be all right to

ride your bike

my bike i'm walking

this oh that's for when i'm going

downhill real fast

oh listen uh i i'm sorry about the uh

ankle and everything eric oh that's okay

we're gonna say it happened to work so

thanks to you it looks like pam and i

can go on a little paid vacation

well that that's that's great you know

what a french four huh

goodbye steven huh oh yeah oh okay

listen you know i can come over it and

you can pretend that i'm anybody you

want

i feel like i've never done that before

yeah but uh you've never seen me as

kookafran and ollie

good night

oh wow

well danny's all tucked in

so stephen

how does it feel seeing your wife with

another guy

isn't easy is it no no you're right it

isn't

and believe it or not i take comfort

from knowing that you've actually

went through this

i just thank god that this day is over

who are you get out of my house don't

make me k*ll again

[Music]

push me don't let your anger overshadow

the importance of the family today

please hey

don't blame me

blank cheese

[Music]

[Applause]

you don't see it with a broom and a

hi-hat

coming into a lot of money

okay

dinner for 30.

[Laughter]

one of these guys likes to go full out

for the dinner party

for 30.

a lot of mushrooms on the bottom

[Laughter]

flashing

who's growing

uh here's my new buick

put a horn on my ass and drive me around

the highway for a headache

you know i'm off it you know

what is it i don't know what if this is

richard's i'll die

anything he touches you're dead here

mark's getting ready to give somebody an

enema

yeah

remember that when your kid you were too

young for that you used to have big big

hoes mother used to hold it up and you

had a clip they put water in your can so

you know hold it up like this and then

they let the clip go and a lot of water

coming you go no more stop the water no

more soap

all of a sudden your ass would stop the

bubble

and then if you didn't have any money

you pretend you're in hawaii

you're a lonely guy

[Applause]

why can't you walk up to me like a man

instead of creeping up like a blue snake

[Music]

spray me sweetheart so i can look as

pretty as geronimo

[Music]