01x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

annie

you would you wouldn't you

maybe you would you would but i'm

convinced you would

from the bottom of my heart i i'm

convinced you would honey i know you're

upset i can tell that

and probably i would be upset too if

someone broke into my house at this hour

but let's let's consider why i did it

all right i did it to ask you to marry

me

to renew the old vows you don't want to

blow anybody to smithereens over

something like that besides that

good news i'm on the cover of a magazine

my picture honey they're gonna do a

story on me a whole article on me

and my work my god annie life is worth

living now so why do you why don't you

put the heater down and we'll talk

okay that's the spirit

now then let's see if we can't uh

pick a date that's good for you for us

to get married okay

two weeks from today all right let's

just say

let's say two weeks from today then that

that would be the

last friday friday the 13th

all right uh friday the 13th she is

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right there ain't slap huh

was that four black and two without

no there's three black two with sugar

two no what's what's going on

copy sir and plenty of it no no i mean

somebody d*ed or nelson running another

one of his uh

fundraisers what you don't have any

sweet low on your desk do you sir

what are all these uh these memos oh now

look i'm out of cream

what am i gonna do now well i'll tell

you

i'm gonna ask you one more time and then

i'm gonna start pulling your fingernails

understand what's the story well i

thought you knew sir

start with your thumbs you're the story

in the magazine

it came out today all over the country

and ever since then the phones have been

ringing and people have been leaving

messages for you and

mr kruger says it's a red letter day for

the ledger and i've been going like 60

to getting coffee

kidding okay like 50. lap

in my office isn't it amazing all this

and you're getting married on the very

same day

where's judy i don't know she was here

then she left

well maybe she went shopping for your

wedding present

rang master hey the slapper come on in

look i sent the legal boys down to the

files here come on right over here

sit all right sure here you go atta boy

and

look what they found

no kidding what is it don't play ducks

with me you know what it is it's your

contract

it makes you exclusive to this newspaper

it's 10 years old but

it's tight as a button solid as steel

all you have to do

is sign it whoa go ahead

wait a minute what have you been playing

in the kitty litter again huh your eyes

are all bugged out your teeth are

clattering like an old xylophone what's

eating you pal

this this is what's been eating me and

that phone's been ringing off the

ceiling since seven o'clock this morning

ever since that edition came out with

your bean on it on the east coast

this is big slap bigger than we figured

at every newsstand in america

every street corner every mom and pop

drug store people are buying and reading

about you

and they're interested it's amazing

super fine

and where have you been home motel

getting ready for a wedding oh yeah is

that today

tonight i'll be there appreciate it now

sorry

wait wait wait wait slow down will you

you want me to beg i'll beg

look you don't have to do it for me do

it for the paper our

paper comes the dawn look

let's just say for the sake of argument

that you're the biggest thing to come

down the pike since wrong way corrigan

mm-hmm do you know what that could do

for the ledger it could just

save this old rag unless i decide to

walk right

that's what you're afraid of you're

afraid i'm gonna go hollywood on you

right

fast cars fancy women beluga for

breakfast

i can handle that pal beluga i've seen

it

it ain't a pretty sign i can handle it i

know you can handle it

no science okay nelson

what do i get at my side what do you

want i want my car waxed a painted

green and a set of new tires okay and a

new jacket

designer label tied a match you got it

how about tahiti trip for two first

class round trip

little cabana on the beach what are you

trying to do break us and your glass uh

now never mind your glass eye it's all

fogged up anyway

okay now if you'll excuse me i'm gonna

catch a limo sit by my pool and iron the

shirt

take the rest of the day off thanks pal

oh and slap

remember your writing may belong to the

agents

but your ass belongs to the ledger

poetry nelson sheer portrait

it's problematical all right tricky

elusive amen to that poets and

philosophers they never figured it out

andy warhol says we're all gonna have it

for 15 minutes

what andy we'll all know about getting

ain't married what we're talking about

getting married we're talking about

being famous

well see i was talking about getting

married you are still getting married

aren't you i am indeed

glad to hear it and he's a good woman

annie's the best

well see there that's all it counts as

for the rest of it

mr dog and pony show that's what you're

going to say right

not exactly nothing wrong with a little

publicity

depends on what you do with it yeah you

know

don't get me wrong i mean i'm i'm

flattered and all that

but this uh career achievement award i

mean what are they really saying to me

end of career out to pasture that's all

he wrote

and what am i supposed to do for an

encore wandering around waving that

magazine

talking about who i used to be telling

tall tales of past glory like some

landlocked sailor you're a funny guy

slap

one minute is this the next minute that

one day you're flying high

next day you're on a bus leaving town no

no not anymore i'm planted i mean this

is this is where i make my stand

i'll tell you this the real slap maxwell

story has not been written yet

i'll tell you why excuse me mr maxwell

could you

oh yeah sure is he there that's not so

bad maybe i should name a cheeseburger

after you

race your fame huh say what is it you do

anyway

slap slap open up it's me

hey i was uh i was just uh standing

around in your shorts

well something like that yeah cute

valentine's gift and if i come in

you can put your pants on if you'll be

more comfortable

thanks i missed you at the office this

morning

yeah i was just there a little while big

doings huh

i look for you judy i couldn't take it

there couldn't get into it

i had other things on my mind you know

yeah things like

the fact that you and i have hardly

spoken a word to each other in the last

two weeks

things like how much i miss our times

together

even though they were never much of

anything to brag about

and now here i am engaged to be married

and your weddings in just a few hours

doesn't that strike you as kind of funny

i don't know funny is a funny word

laurel and hardy were funny about

costello and funny sometimes

first season of cheers it's also a

colossal mistake

judy hear me out i've thought it over

and i realized just how wrong this whole

thing is

not really for me i mean

neil's a wonderful guy i guess you'd

have to say he's perfect

in every way and of course he's handsome

and i get the picture but i'm not sure

slap i'm just not sure

if i'm ready to settle down with

somebody who's that flawless

i guess that's what i'm saying

so you came here maybe i'm looking for

some kind of sign

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we all need a sign every once in a while

don't we

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wouldn't have to be a big one not of the

head

glimmer in the eyes a simple yes or no

just something to go on

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well i guess that's that

you know i have a feeling i'm going to

want to thank you for this

next time i see you

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wedding present

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amd will be right back with susan anne's

back in slap maxwell

amd is back with dabney coleman as slap

maxwell

here we are at the altar once again

everything's beautiful

and that dress geez like it

i love it so will slap i think he's

gonna shower

sorry everything is gonna be fine annie

maybe that's what i'm being nervous

about you know it took me three hours to

put this dress on

i kept staring in the mirror thinking

about how i used to hate the way slap

dumped his coffee grinds in this thing

i used to do that maybe that's why i

asked him to stay at the motel till the

last minute

cause he was a slob no so we could both

be sure

you two belong together like liver and

bacon or nitro and glycerin

oh well after today it'll be decided

so he won't where do you want this mom

oh um find your favorite b*llet hole

he's coming i promise you i talked to

him he's a happy man

everything is gonna be fine nothing is

gonna keep him from being here today

afternoon hi got a little problem here

you think you could fix it well all

depends uh

you in a hurry yeah i'm on my way to get

married

a little too old for that ain't you uh

you think you can fix it or not well me

uh i just mainly pump gas

my son can fix it though he does all the

mechanical work he owns this place

can i talk to him we ain't here took off

in the wrecker

probably some fool ran out of gas

someplace you know how people are these

days

right uh tell you what uh benson you're

in such a hurry to go get married

maybe i should just uh look here and

check yeah

had a little experience with old buckets

like this yeah

spent uh 40 years in the navy motor pool

and right the old navy yeah you got a

payphone inside

yes right inside the office a grandson

will show you where it is

telephone son

do you have any change on you by any

chance no quarters one

don't tell me it's dead again it's dead

again it seems like nothing ever works

anymore does it town

think i found the problem mode of your

car oh good busted radiator hose

uh it won't take long to get you all

fixed up though oh great great uh

tell you what why don't you just relax

take a seat over there by my grandson

uh tommy slide on down william

real fisherman yeah supposed to go out

with his dad this morning but he uh

had to go with the record all right that

sort of ruined tommy's plans

so why don't you uh try to cheer him up

okay well wait a minute um

is isn't that uh more or less your job

you gonna fix the car oh

this is your dad's place huh

nice place

you don't find him like this much

anymore

nice rod did i see it

thanks

yeah yeah i used to do a lot of fishing

years ago with my son

he's about your age of course he's big

boy now

we used to go down this path this

winding path

is all covered over with thistles

and it wound down to this pond it was

just

brimming with bluegills it was i mean it

was really something

a sacred place yeah yeah nobody knew

about it

i got a place too yeah yeah

you ever hear of a baseball player named

ted williams

he happens to be a a great fisherman

also

and there's a story around that says

that he once caught a bone fish that

weighed 30

pounds

i don't get it i phoned the motel he's

checked out

where is he maybe he's having car

trouble yeah that's it

car trouble i have a canopy uncle nelson

huh cheese and crackers

oh yeah i knew that it's a big day for

pop isn't it

the magazine and all i told him slap i

said

things are going to be different now

betty hated that all the fuss the

pressure pops never liked that kind of

thing

are you kidding this is what he always

wanted this is a dream come true

maybe that's why he's not here

there you go all set yep filled up your

t*nk too while i was at it you was

getting mighty low oh good thank you

very much how much how much do i no you

don't owe me nothing

we worked a little swap in there it was

pretty good you know

oh yeah well yeah he's quite a kid

well thank you thank you very much you

know uh

he reminds me of me about 60 years ago

yeah impatience you know

always uh chomping at the bit yeah

chasing his dreams

following his heart's desire nothing

like me and you

excuse me oh there i was just battling

no no you said something about

you and me well uh nothing really i

guess

uh well you know we're a little older

and uh

we got our feet on the ground we got

responsibilities we don't go

gallivanting around uh every time the

urge comes up

all our good times i guess are behind us

not that we ain't had them

they're kind of like a scrapbook you

bring them out every once in a while and

you'll look

at them nothing wrong with that oh did i

mention i had been in the navy

yeah i've had my times plenty of them

i was shipwrecked in the darkness

i've watched a mountain of fire raise

right out of the pacific ocean

you know once in sanzibar i saw a man

swallow a monkey take

he didn't he why what is it 20 or 30

dollars just take it okay

no really take it i thought you and me

no popeye not you and me don't include

me in your club

you see this face you know who i am

gene hackman slap maxwell

sports writer of the year

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he's crazy

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[Applause]

charlie i didn't mean to somebody get a

broom

[Applause]

[Music]

you okay mom yeah just looking at the

backyard

gonna miss it i think a lot of nice

memories

remember that treehouse pop built for me

out there ain't built you a tree house

no but he bought a ladder

used to love it especially at night

walking under the stars listening

through your window

hearing your father tell you bedtime

stories just as dawn was coming up

you remember those stories i remember

the one where he went five for five

off harry the cat for keen in a spring

training game including three homers

and the cardinals asked him to stay for

the regular season but he couldn't

because he had to go back and finish

elementary school

yeah that was a good one do you hear

that other one about the

boy and the tattered coat who one day

found a wish at the bottom of his pocket

and couldn't decide what to wish for

food friends gold in the end he left it

there in his pocket

to hold on to forever and ever it wasn't

what the wish could bring

but the having of the wish that was his

true heart's desire

i guess we should go inside don't keep

them anymore huh

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[Applause]

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this is big bigger than we figured

we all need a sign every once in a while

don't we

impatience you know always uh jumping at

the bit

chasing his dreams remember slap

your writing may belong to the agents

but your ass belongs to the legend

i'll tell you this the real slap maximum

story has not been written yet

[Applause]

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a toast friends

to family to life

and to the boy in the tattered coat

god bless us everyone

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[Applause]

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i'll tell you this the real slap maximum

story has not been written yet

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a and e will be right back with slap

maxwell