01x06 - Episode 6

[bunniefuu]

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so

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um

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uh

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um

what steaks anita always said start the

day right

breakfast is your most important meal

eggs

bacon bits chives a little milk

of course anita always use heavy cream

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whoa watch that judy's leftover french

fries

from last night finely chopped

thank god you didn't want to cross my

little cigar butts

you got any butter i need to always use

butter

she's trying to k*ll you you know that

man no anita always use

lard i'm creating my own recipe here and

i told you

i don't need anita anymore i'm an

independent guy a free man

hey diddle dee dee the bachelor life for

me

oh by the way i'm not going into work

today

i got to do some shopping i want to

replace that roach motel they're falling

out of the windows

so you two guys are gonna have to handle

it down there uh

i just have two things to say before i

go one

nelson i quit two slap

it's been a pleasure so butch

sundance have a great life

wait a minute what are you doing leaving

leaving

leaving what town the paper your parents

leaving me leaving what

all of the above

i thought everything was okay you moved

in

and now you're moving out yeah that's

right don't you think i deserve an

explanation make it fast

char's almost ready and it's no good

cold look

okay um everything was going pretty well

which is

the way everything's usually going which

also seems to be

in no direction in particular so

so nowhere in particular isn't good

enough for me anymore

what are we really talking about here we

really talking about that

commitment thing again slap

you've been alone this long for a reason

you don't need me yes i do

i've given our relationship such as it

is

a final sh*t my conscience is clear and

that's it

wait a minute three days is that your

idea of a final sh*t

well what's your idea a week

hey look why don't you wait till we're

alone okay nelson will be gone in a

second

i'm not listening slap you're not

gonna change my mind i've got my ticket

i've gotta pick up a few things at my

parents house

and then i'm leaving on a jet plane

don't know when i'll be back again oh

damn nice to see you go

goodbye slap

i'm sorry to bother you when there's

actual work going on over here mr

maxwell but

it's miss walston she hasn't come in yet

and it's way past 9.

judy won't be under there mr krueger sir

doubt if he'll be in either

what is your actual problem charlie well

there's no one at the helm sir no

captain steering our course and

and and we could run aground or into a

sandbar

this is true our leader has fallen

mortally wounded in the uh divorce wars

so i guess it's time for the next in

command to step in

only the next in command is not here

either so i guess we'll have to uh bring

up one of the soldiers from the ranks

you mean me sir well do you watch nelson

work

you don't think his job is tough do you

well it must be hard to get your face at

red sir

all you have to do is hold your breath

now's the time charlie i mean if you're

going to get ahead in this business you

got to

take the bull by the horns yeah but i

don't have a glass eye well there's

plenty of spares in the bottom drawer

why are you i just go get them

excuse me reception's over there mr

maxwell

am i correct dba slap maxwell

what are you a fan no but my uh husband

reads your column every day he thinks

you're a fabulous rider

i'm rachel flores mexican huh

great little fighters you will be my

first major case and

i am so nervous

well this is a lawsuit i represent your

estranged spouse

annabel elizabeth bates maxwell

so annie's finally going through with

the divorce thing huh i need to explain

about these

what answers to written interrogatories

what is this

background financial information um

do you own this typewriter or does it

belong to the company

belongs to me why she wants it

and um you have i believe a 1967

chevrolet

she wants that too honey look she's

already got

the house the furniture the nova she

already has

practically everything she wants it all

you know we're walking right on the

razor's edge of sanity here you know

that

you know that your client happened to

pull she happened to pull the 38 p*stol

on me at one point in time did you know

that

did you file charges no you should have

you might want to get yourself an

attorney my husband's pretty good

when he's not boxing right now um

these papers are all certified documents

that we filed with the court in my

client's behalf

was it motion for divorce abandonment

well it says here i owe for for back

child support

unpaid personal loans we're hoping this

will be a landmark case for the state

uh your wife is also requesting one half

of all the money you've made in the last

15 years which uh fortunately for you

isn't all that much

i'm just beginning to get it you're one

of those penny sucking attorneys except

you have the

the seamless stockings right and he told

me you might get abusive

did she well so what do we do now just

sit here and negotiate

what is it she really wants what does

she really want

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she only wants one thing she wants you

to say you're sorry

but you have to mean it well i've done

that before

not according to your wife um we're in a

sort of catch-22 situation here because

mrs maxwell doesn't want to speak to you

or see you ever again in her entire

lifetime

mm-hmm so how do i say i'm sorry

well let's let's give it a sh*t here

okay are you ready uh

hi annie um this is the slapper here i

can't hear you

you pepsi speaker i'm sorry um listen

honey uh

i must say i'm a little disappointed

that you would hire a uh

a cut-rate uh ambulance chaser to do

your dirty work

you're doing great so far what now i

meant that in the most positive sense

believe me

why don't you try it again all right

fine

the battery's working here okay well

annie

i regret many things actually i i regret

i regret the ground ball that rolled

through billy buckner's legs in the 86

series i

i regret that uh roger maris didn't make

it into the hall of fame

i regret our vacation where we lost our

little trailer rolled down the

mountainside remember that

however i still hold you responsible for

checking that cotter pin

no hard feelings though no honey i i

can't do this i i i don't know

if you could be more specific see then

maybe i could make it sound a little bit

more sincere

what about i punch rewind and you try it

one more time all right we'll try it one

more time

annie all right let's talk about this

apology thing now now to me

that's always been a a two-way street

i i i what are you doing

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hey i had a little bit more to say okay

all right look i'm sorry

too little too late mr maxwell we'll see

you in court

yeah since then it's been a whole

different ball game

can't count on anything sports or

anything else

i don't know about that seems the kiss

is still a kiss

a sigh still aside oh yeah

judy moved out on me packed up and moved

out

that's what i heard her father told me

this morning

buddy ralston was in here looking for

you

his eyes were like hot coals i believe

he might have been packing a ride

no if he kills me he goes to jail for

life he knows that

on the other hand there have been

interesting twist of fate in recent

m*rder trials

acquittals cases built around extreme

duress

twinkies msg and i believe that sexual

liaisons were the father's only female

child might fall under such murky

category

okay i'll pay you take a check

uh rather have cash again that's how i

just put the place on the market

you what time for a new dutchman maybe

an asian this time

asian they don't buy bars they buy

7-elevens the point is the place is up

for grabs

yeah i don't believe that when i see it

it's time for me to go back to my roots

judy has left me annie is suing me for

my typewriter

and nelson is rearranging my medicine

cabinet changing panorama of life

i can't you know share my innermost

private thoughts with just any barkeep i

need you

man i feel the only thing you cared

about besides yourself of course

what's the newspaper oh no man me

the newspaper and you

me the newspaper sports men and you

uh-huh mr maxwell you got to come back

to the office

i was sitting in mr kruger's desk and

some guy came in to talk to me and uh

i think i sold the paper

a and e we'll be right back with daphne

coleman in slap maxwell

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so

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e you were driving rancho

gloves tragic end

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was it an accident tuesday at 9

10 pacific

amd is back with dabney coleman as slap

maxwell

yeah we're talking baraxial here

this warehouse for this cup what's going

on

anita called she's taking me back

hey what where wait a minute i i got a

mop out in the car i got uh cornhuskers

lotion i bought

the place out anita said she couldn't do

better than me anyway

and besides everyone's entitled to one

mistake

what'd she say one big mistake well none

of that matters anymore

all that matters is that i love her and

she loves me

the only thing that matters is that i

gave my word to that woman 31 years ago

what if she had it on tape or what and

i'm going to live up to that promise

i'm gonna do better than that i'm gonna

take her on a vacation

someplace romantic like iowa

iowa

okay hi there slap

well what a sight for sore eyes

and your luggage you brought your

luggage

hello nelson kruger this is kitty nolan

uh nelson was just leaving leave

but you two went together in high school

in texas

that's right would you describe texas

as a romantic place i mean you know for

a vacation look hey we got a little

private conversation we're due here

right now okay

you mind yeah oh go right ahead don't

mind me yeah i'm just packing up

had a little disagreement with the

missus what are you doing here i came to

see you slap

the last time we talked you were the

last time we talked we were going away

together

i know i i couldn't slap

i guess i just wasn't ready i'm sorry i

left you in the lurch like that

but well a lot of things have happened

since then

and i i couldn't get you out of my mind

so i

came here well that's great

that's uh that's wonderful

when you say here you mean uh

it's a real nice place i mean it's clean

and

besides i'm kind of excited to see you

in your own environment

you know like you said you know pounding

out a

story and deadlines coming home tired

every night

right well it's uh

actually it's not as big as it looks

certainly

not as nice as what you're accustomed to

i know that

well it does need a few touches

but uh you know i'm i'm kind of good at

that

yeah uh-huh

wow that's all i wanted to hear

don't worry slap huh i'm not gonna stay

my ticket takes me all the way to

california

i just uh i just couldn't go through

life

wondering about us california the

beaches are kind of romantic huh

my brother lives out in livermore he

said it's a pretty fun town

yeah i'll bet livermore

name itself conjures up

fiesta

well i like to stay in chat but i

i guess i better catch that bus oh i'm

sorry for the interruption but

i got to go i'm going home

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[Applause]

thank you for what

you really don't know do you

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take care

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so

take care

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me

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so

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oh no

am i all right have i still got

everything

my arms my legs tahiti club med

anita wants to stay at the gargant you

know that's the artist that cut off his

ear because he couldn't look at all

those bare-breasted native women

van gogh nelson fresh towels free soap

complimentary shower

hey i'm talking okay i'm sitting up look

at me

it sounds like heaven attention must be

paid to this man

you know i've never seen a dead guy

before how did they get the tread marks

off his face

dutchman come here a voice of reason

how's business you know i really love

those little paper lanterns it gives the

whole place a nice touch

where's judy she didn't even bother to

come back

and elliot my son my boy elliott

there you are say some kind words about

your old man

isn't this great the way it all worked

out it's a good thing uncle nelson it's

a good thing he d*ed

what are you saying you know he was like

a ballplayer one of those

boys of summer that stayed a little too

long at the fair pop wouldn't have

wanted to hang around past his prime

thanks a lot it was time for pop to move

over huh

you know elliot you really got away with

words congratulations on your new

job the new sports writer at the ledger

the gas is on

and the torch has been passed i think

i'll keep the glove

pop always said he was gonna buy me one

wait a minute

don't you think you're being a little

callous here a great man walked amongst

you

this gives me the willies why don't we

get out of here well i'd like to stay

and throw a little dirt on the coffin

i still got to catch that bus livermore

here i come

i'll drive you to the station miss nolan

it was great meeting you

thank you let me walk you two out huh

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not out brief candle

mr maxwell i never got a chance to tell

you this when you were alive i wish i

had

i never really liked you that much

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hello slap

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i thought you left town you almost got

run over

you didn't leave town i did i flew to

chicago

then i flew to portland then i flew to

miami and then i flew home

beefing up the frequent flyer mine would

you say i saw alien three times

it reminded me of you well the point is

you didn't leave

you're here well i figured i was running

out on something pretty good

you see most good relationships

are destroyed by hopes that can never be

fulfilled

but with you there's no reason to hope

so i can never be disappointed

besides my father will k*ll you

eventually or you'll die of natural

causes and i'll still be a relatively

young person

plus i got all that frequent flyer

mileage i can get out of town anytime i

want

are you wearing anything at all

underneath that trench coat

no that's what i can't figure out

set off all those alarms at the airport

what do you think that means

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well

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[Applause]

we'll be right back with slap maxwell

coming up on a e explore the mind of

history's most notorious mass m*rder*r

in the conclusion of

the fatal attraction of adolf h*tler

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come on let's go maxie

[Applause]

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it was not a dream she doesn't exist yes

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wow

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oh