01x09 - Episode 9

[bunniefuu]

camacho oh whoa that's good hold it hold

it hold it that's enough

that's a good demonstration there jesus

lobster hatfield i can uh assure you

that i'm gonna write a nice little

feature

encouraging everybody to send in their

dimes and dollars to

my lip bleeding to buy uh

athletic equipment for these scrappy

little latino youngsters here

oh nice try you're talking poetry and

motion here okay

still got the old reflexes oh

[Music]

jesus

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you

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my uh

it can't just pop in here whenever you

feel like it slap

this isn't any port in a storm anymore

you know hey i got important career

decisions little life prices to deal

with there

who else am i supposed to turn to my

mom's dead i don't hear from you for

months

then you just walk in like you're still

on the place so what are we having

you are not having anything um actually

just because i step out of the house for

a few years boom right

women i tell you if i live to be a

hundred dollars you're gonna be here in

a little while

what is he too cheap to take you out to

dinner some things never change huh

what are you just limping for oh

see we men most of us anyway we have

this

little sensitive area and every time we

get kicked in it we tend to kind of

pretzel up

i think you've been getting kicked a lot

there lately i mean symbolically

yes i have you mind if i sit down no no

go right ahead sit down

so is this guy um is he young or what

he's not old well she means he's young

youngish

what is he blonde with ripples in his

stomach phd in physiology gourmet cook

drive something red just smoking with

horsepower

dresses in those gatsby clothes like

they wear on the yachts has a

golden retriever by his side and always

brushing the hair out of his eyes

politics just just a shade to the left

what did you come here to ask me about

are you putting on a little weight or

what i don't have time for this

cause it's hard to tell in that uh moo

moo thing it's uh

it's an artsy craftsy look isn't it that

particular look you have three minutes

annie i'm

half a hundred years old i got no career

left

i've been covering sports for 15 years

15

magnificent years and now peg leg baits

has me running around like a high school

kid covering back page garbage i

not everything i write is wrong i can't

focus i'm flowering around like i'm like

a like uh like like a flounder

who's peg like baits nelson he doesn't

have a

peg light that has nothing to do with it

it seems to me he's testing you he is

k*lling me

well you have to die before you can live

oh that's beautiful see

that makes absolutely no sense at all

well then don't ask me for my advice

out well annie i'm desperate okay

you're looking at a man at the

crossroads we're talking about the lady

and the tiger i don't know which door to

choose

tooth on marked out you're a much more

giving person when we slept together

you just stayed around on purpose to

give my friend a hard time

your friend now isn't that quaint

any coffee gallons of it at the diner

i can take a hint

i think i'm gonna have to see an actual

doctor about this

do women have scrotums

sprota

oh prairie burn balm hello slap how goes

it well i don't believe this the next

door neighbor

well this is a classic year any of three

exits

and all those years annie always thought

of you as at best

asexual no i did i know i didn't i did

maybe i'm being a little kind

i swear look slap i um

well i hope you don't mind that uh your

your wife's been dead what uh a day and

a half

six years oh so you figured the

appropriate amount of time had passed

slap would you please get the hell out

of here i'm going i'm out the damn door

okay harry birnbaum my stars and garters

well we are living in desperate times

desperate times indeed

[Music]

charlie oh geez not today come here a

minute will you

there's something you want to tell me

how you mean about the guy mr kruger

hard to replace you or the water cooler

talk charlie well it's busted the

spigot's crest so it squirts all over

the place and i'm probably responsible

for getting it fixed but all i'm doing

is trying to follow her

so nelson did it to me huh your face is

all puffy

blindsided me either you got no sleep or

you stuck your face in a beehive

i can't believe i've got a new guy here

at my desk

sitting in the chair i made famous

you're supposed to sit over there now

in classified ads why don't they just

put me on the fire escape

seems like a decent guy the new guy

bleaching the sun while the vultures

pick out my liver he was uncomfortable

in your little alcohol but nelson

convinced him it would be okay

so how would you feel about having

unbridled non-stop sex this evening

i'll i'll spring for dinner you ought to

put some sav on that face

how about it i've got a lot to do today

like what i've got to find you a place

to sit just to name one thing

you know nelson is a quizzling and a

when he comes clumping out of that

office on that

wooden stump tell him i'm looking for

him actually he's looking for you i have

nothing to say to that man

what wouldn't stop you want to duck in

here for a minute oh yes sir mr kruger

sir hey watch my smoke

why don't you check with me after three

what for something about sex without a

bridle

yeah yes i shall check with you

i've seen nelson in gym shorts his legs

are real well they look real

i'll give you that but watch him

disappear when there's a woodpecker in

the vicinity

[Applause]

we start at 9am around here case you

weren't familiar with the routine

oh forgive me sir i was i was at a

funeral dude

adjust my brothers i want you to say

hello to somebody i think you may know

him by reputation

this is phil brogan phil slat maxwell

uh nice to meet you now same here you

two know each other

no ah no uh slap maxwell i heard him

never met him you know

broken i've heard you too cedar rapids

uh

yeah for a while it was a demon reporter

mm-hmm a few years ago

right yeah a few years ago more than a

few years ago

anyway slap phil's to be working with us

here and i know you want to join me in

welcoming him to the ledger

tickle pink to have you aboard i mean

pink literally

you know i realize i'm sitting at your

desk out there if you want me to move

no nonsense more of me i mean me desk

sue desk what's in a desk anyway

whoa where's the time gone here i'm a

little bit behind here i could just kick

myself for coming

so late today because time is a gift you

know and it's too precious to waste

on me that's the way i feel anyway i'll

talk to you fellas later all right

can i talk to you for a minute slap if i

may well is there time for that skipper

no no no i'll get out of your way here

no phil um if you happen to need

anything just holler okay cause i'll be

back over here

in the cloud surprise this snug it's a

bug thank you

okay and there's some stuff on your desk

now that's mine

it gets in the way check it out

so what can i do for you sir smooth is a

pig in a barrel aren't you

pardon me you know what i'm talking

about i never know what you're talking

about what the hell are you up to

in which particular context you know

this guy don't you i know lots of guys

nelson and yet who of us really knows

anybody

you're making monkeys with the wrong guy

how do you know him is that your leg

squeaking

you better not pull some dumbass stunt

here are you gonna find yourself working

the far end of the truck

you know what you should do is squirt

little pins oil on it works great on my

cabinets

listen damn it i'm fighting for my life

here this newspaper isn't doing blintzes

i'm tired of putting myself on the line

for you slap the only reason you're here

is because of me

so don't keep giving me your mumbo jumbo

cause i heard it all and i'm sick of it

what did you have for breakfast just

straight garlic get out of here

i'm gonna tell you something nelson

you know i'm tougher than you are and

i'm smarter than you are i'm gonna go

out there and write the best features

you've ever read

reams of them i'm gonna have you crying

in your beer

i'm gonna sit back in those cheap seats

and i'm just gonna keep slinging stuff

under that door

i'm gonna breslin you to death my best

years are still ahead of me

and sure sure i have feeling for you

because of your handicap

but don't expect me to wallow in that

back of self-pity that you flail around

in

a and e will be right back with daphne

coleman in slap maxwell

amd is back with dabney coleman as slap

maxwell

[Music]

you're telling me the modern day ball

player is not coddled

and grossly overpaid what happened to

your face you know the most money enos

slaughter ever made

a man played till he was 42 years old

played heard

played bleeding would have played dead

if they asked him to

the most money guess how much 45

65. pretty good nothing well see i was

thinking 45.

these flash in the pan jerks that play

today couldn't hold his jock

if he played with the jock which he

probably didn't that's how tough he was

ain't you got stories about not sports

not anymore

friend nelson seemed to that well in

that case you put an abram help me

out i'm talking to a wall here i should

have stayed in football

tavern business ain't no place for a

sane person you ever played football in

iowa

semi-pro barnstorming toward the end

name phil brogan ring a bell long time

ago

good writer bad drunk as far as i can

recollect

no that's the guy how how good compared

to you

well yeah i mean you think he could uh

hold your job yeah

nope he was gifted though said i was a

mighty slab of beef who refused to be

tenderized by the pounding of enemy

linemen

i like that pack beef reference it's

been done

can i talk to you yeah

sure it's been a long time

yeah so how are things out in the

heartland phil

this is it for me slap i'm out of chance

that's my last horror

well you eating right you look a little

pasty

how's annie good

she's good look slap i uh

i didn't think i'd be taking your job

i didn't think i'd be taking any job

i've just been sending out resumes all

over and

nelson gave me a call so naturally i uh

that night with annie i uh i was out of

it

well i doubt if anything would have

happened anyway even if you hadn't

thrown up all over

and it's not really that important she

was just just my wife

looks like uh nobody knows me around

here

nobody the paper i'd be

real grateful if you didn't say anything

about

my uh alcoholism these lips are sealed

buddy

i know you don't owe me any favors but

can i count on you

death and taxes that's pretty much the

spectrum of what you can count on these

days

and ain't no slaughter then count on him

[Music]

i'll see you later and good luck to you

he's gonna blow the whistle on me hasn't

he think so

excuse me mr maxwell speak up sean

oh i was gonna leave now

hmm my brother's flying in from lebanon

on leave and my mom wanted me to pick

him up at the airport

mm-hmm i haven't seen him in over two

years sir

[Music]

well what about the uh coffee situation

uh

thoughts empty but but i can make a

fresh pot

well if you have ash in your pants and

you absolutely have to go

plain lambs in 20 minutes an airport's

10 minutes

i'll make that fresh pot of coffee

you're not on my account

what do you suppose that uh that new

column is here

i haven't seen them all afternoon sir

kind of an unorthodox first day on the

job isn't it

charlie how'd you beg after the airport

uh yes ma'am i was just about to go when

mr maxwell here was uh harassing you yes

ma'am

uh but but in a very subtle terrifying

way

slap he hasn't seen his brother for two

years

i don't have a brother over here on the

dark side of the room we don't have

anything drip copy

light nothing see you tomorrow charlie i

was gonna make that call i'll make it

he made a pass at me you know of course

he did kids hormones

run amok to him you represent every

centerfold he ever hit under his

mattress but if you want i'll have him

k*lled

not the kid brogan said something about

how sensuous my lips were

tried to wedge me into a corner against

a file cabinet really

broken that was before lunch i haven't

seen him since

that's amazing so i looked in the mirror

they are sensuous

i mean if that's indicative of anything

i guess it's better than if they were

scabby and cracked all the time

phil brogan is a complicated story you

want to hear it

i guess that's why they invented lip

gloss actually i'm faced with a problem

your

moral dilemma he looks older than you

and sometimes you look plenty old

yourself

compared to say me well your ideas in a

nutshell but

you have to promise that nelson will

hear none of this he drinks doesn't he

you see brogan drinks and you knew him a

long time ago

i knew him a long time ago and he still

drinks and he knows you know

and he's confided in you that he's at

the bottom of the barrel so

you're faced with an ethical decision i

hate it when people know what i'm gonna

say before i say it

are you just gonna hover around here

dressed like that smelling like that

smelling like what

a citrus medley you mix your scents

don't you

i mean you mingle them with your natural

fragrance

that is an art form isn't it why are you

here so late

brogan's supposed to phone in a story

i'm supposed to take it down according

to nelson you look pete

maybe i am maybe you're the mosey on

home maybe i will

maybe i'll call you later maybe you will

[Music]

miss wilson i'd like you to meet my

brother a little later charlie okay

uh mr maxwell i'd like you to meet my

brother

yo slap

mr maxwell i told my brother

morning racer

anyway miss ralston

first of all let's talk about the hack

piece don't scream at me okay nelson

i'm not screaming you got a screaming

tone i got the makings of a migraine

i didn't tell you to stay out all night

i'm at home in bed

i'm here the next day on time precious

pie what is a whistle

well we can't all lead the idyllic

reader's digest light that you and the

mrs lead nelson some of us might get a

little tired of giggling all the time

what do you want you call a meeting oh

yeah

the hat piece screaming don't do it okay

i liked it i'm sure you did it speaks of

bygone days when life was simpler before

the world got all

jammed up you know what era it calls to

mind

the era of hats yeah

snap brims derbies and skimmers you

remember them

i do let's name all the different hats

only once did you lapse into a sports

mode

you just can't stop yourself can you try

nelly if it isn't enos slaughter it's

oscar robertson or seattle slew or

somebody

why maybe it's because i'm a sports

writer

well no but you got one of those don't

you that's right

i do a great one that piece that brogan

wrote was sensational

you read it me no when would i break i

would have thought maybe out of

curiosity

no it's not my baileywick anymore i

write about hats

hell of a wordsmith that guy let me just

jump right off the page at you

is that it if so i think ought to get

out there maybe start another story

maybe one about

shoes

which is all the more astonishing since

brogan

checked himself into a detox center last

night

he called me from there so it must have

been very difficult for him to write the

story

no not necessarily unless i had him

strapped into a straight jacket

that's true as long as his fingers were

free i mean they weren't giving him a

lobotomy or something like that

right there you go and the way he ended

the story

my god and finally i'd like to pay

tribute to the man i'm succeeding

what do you say about a symphony how do

you describe a diamond

slap maxwell's poetry wasn't high rise

or high tech no glitter no chrome no

dazzling dizzy ride in a sleek sedan no

the maxwell poetry was the simple song

of the black kids with dreams in their

eyes

holes in their pants playing hoops on a

project playground

old men huddled around a pot-bellied

stove at the country store listening to

ernie harwell

whittling distant memories that musty

cr*ck

leather johnny mize mitt in the attic

the dead on earth for little rusty one

april day when the first sh**t of

spring dot the perimeters of the pond

that was slap maxwell's canvas

and he painted it like a rembrandt so

from now on

the byline may be broken but the magic

will always be maxwell

what can i say the guy's good

mit for little rusty

maybe not perfect did a decent thing

slap

wow i don't know what's gonna happen to

brogan but you can have your old job

back don't

thank me

well that's amazing it's amazing what

they can do with oak now you know that

that's remarkably flesh-like get out of

here

you know there's just one thing i don't

get

why didn't you check up on brogan before

you hired him

who says i didn't

[Music]

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a and e will be right back with slap

[Music]

maxwell

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um

[Music]

mm-hmm