01x08 - The Wheel World

[bunniefuu]

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(Honking)

Whoa!

Whoa!

Ah!

♪

♪

Class, we have a special

guestDirector-Producer

Carsden Warner.

And who’s this with you?

Uh, Alice or something.

She’s my assistant.

She doesn’t matter.

(Blowing raspberry)

I saw one of this guy’s

showsMan Covered in Meat

Sauce and the Dogs Who Chased

Him.

(Barking)

Yeah, you’re studying junky

TV.

You couldn’t do much better than

this bozo.

Mr. Warner, explain to us why

we have to be very careful about

believing what we see on TV.

I thought I was going to talk

about how awesome TV is.

Who here likes TV?

That’s right, because TV rocks!

Uh, what new shows are you

working on?

The one I’m most proud of

is (sniff)When Clowns Love

Lions Too Much.

(Burping)

(Honking)

Could we discuss the ways in

which television--

Boring!

My job is to figure out what

young people want to watch.

So what do you guys want to

watch?

Yes, Ace?

Umh--

I’ll tell you.

You want to watch yourselves

because TV’s a mirror.

Especially when it’s wrapped

in tinfoil, like my uncle’s, to

keep the Martians from reading

his brain.

Whoa, I’m getting an idea.

It looks more like a

migraine.

I, the great Carsden Warner,

will make a show out of one of

your tiny and significant

meaningless lives.

(Students gasping)

Hmm, but whose?

Me, me!

Me!

Me, me, me, me.

Oh, me.

Me, me.

Is this guy for real?

Alice, Andrea, Alpine,

Ski Lift, whatever your name is,

get the info on these kids.

Tomorrow I pick our star.

This could be a serious

chance to show the world that

today’s kids don’t just sit

around all day watching TV.

Yeah, in my house sometimes

we eat while watching TV.

How about you, Pelswick?

What about me?

What will you do if they

choose you?

(Tires screeching)

Turn ’em down.

I don’t want to be on TV.

When I go home, I want peace and

quiet.

That’s why my house has walls.

(Snoring)

That is so Gram-Gram’s snoring

doesn’t set off all the car

alarms in the street.

(Alarms wailing)

Plus I don’t exactly want my

life broadcast to the whole

world.

But everyone wants to be

on TV.

Not me.

I didn’t even fill out a form.

I want my privacy.

What good is privacy if,

like, no one’s watching?

(All sighing)

There’s kids in that

class, Adrianna.

How come I’ve only got forms

and one from the teacher?

Uh--

I’ll tell you why.

Because one of these kids

doesn’t follow the herd.

One of the them blazes his

own trail.

One of them is a rebel, Adelia,

like me.

Who’s kid number ?

That’s the star of our show.

I think we should have, like,

an agreement that if you’re

chosen, you invite me to your

house every day, and if I’m,

like, chosen, I invite you every

day.

Deal?

Sure, whatever.

So great.

So if you could, like, just sign

here, initialling this page

saying that I won’t be replaced

by another best friend during

the run of the series without my

written consent.

Sandra, we don’t need a

contract to define our

friendship.

I knew you’d back out, you

smarmy two-faced Hollywood

lizard!

Humph!

Step aside, adoring fans.

It is I, Boyd Scullarzo, the

star of Boy TV.

They told you?

Not yet but they will.

How do you know?

’Cause I threatened them.

Boyd, I hate to break this to

you, but one day you’ll have to

go out into the real world where

the bully thing doesn’t work.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Mr. Farkley’s flying low!

What?

(Squelching)

What are you doing?

I saw a TV truck outside.

They’re picking some poor

sucker to follow around for a

month.

You don’t have to warn me.

I didn’t sign up for it or

anything.

You-- you didn’t?

No, so you don’t have to tell

me fame is is fleeting and about

how TV uses you up and throws

you up on the human trash heap.

You mean I brought this with

me for nothing?

A pyramid made of people?

It’s not a pyramid; it’s a

trash heap.

It just seems like they

wouldn’t all be so happy if they

were in a trash heap.

I didn’t want to be morbid,

okay?

There’s Joe-Joe, the Two Headed

Boy.

Oh, yeah.

I forgot about him.

Everyone did when Joe-Joe-Joe

came long and replaced him.

Don’t tell him but they’ve got a

four-headed kid waiting in the

wings for next season.

I appreciate your concern but

I already don’t want to be on TV

so I don’t need this advice.

Goodbye.

(Turning dryer on)

Ooh!

Ah, my cap!

(Squelching)

(Clapping)

(Laughing)

Pelswick, guess what?

Mr. Warner chose you!

That’s impossible.

That’s what I said.

Please sign this legally binding

new best friend contract, and

meet Mr. Henshaw, my notary

public.

Dad, brace yourself for some

news.

(Whirring)

I think I already got it,

champ.

It wasn’t my idea.

That’s okay.

We have a fine opportunity to

show everyone how well a family

committed to non-ageist,

non-sexist affirmative

inclusiveness works.

If you talk like that,

they’re going to need

subtitles.

Centuries of gender

oppression and patriarchal

stigma don’t excuse laxity in

your duties, young lady.

It’s Kate’s turn to do the

dishes.

There’s my little rebel.

What do you need?

I’ll tell you what you needa

good night’s sleep and this cap

from our sponsor, Whizzo.

We’re selling off drinks.

You’ll be in a million homes

live tomorrow, so whatever you

do, act natural.

We want to see the real Podunk

Eggwart.

Pelswick Eggert.

Ah, whatever.

Agamemnon, get me everyone on

the phone.

Are you sure you, Kate and

Gram-Gram don’t mind doing this?

♪ We were strolling along

♪ On Moonlight Bay

♪ On Moonlight Bay, ya

They’re not on.

Oh.

You did say act normally, so

I guess nothing will actually

change.

Oh, hi, Pelswick.

I was, like, walking this dog

that I found eating out of a

garbage can when I saw your

house and remembered that poem

you asked me to read to you.

Huh?

(Clearing throat)

Oh, Why, Oh, Why Didn’t They

Pick Me, by Sandra J. Scoddle.

"I am gracious and kind,

a bright future ahead of me,

so how come they picked that

goof Pelswick instead of me?"

Mmm-hmm!

Whizzo Sodas in association

with Carsden Warner presents

Boy On the Edge.

(Ticking)

(Alarm ringing)

Ahh!

(Crashing)

Peril!

What do you do?

Who do you turn to?

Armadillo, possible spin-off:

When Bedroom Ceilings Cave In.

Is that how you normally wake

up?

No, I don’t normally have a

rafter fall on my bed.

(Laughing)

It should have been my skull

nearly crushed by a falling

rafter.

(Crunching cereal)

Better not tell your mommy I ate

your breakfast, and tomorrow,

more banana slices.

Huh!

I remember when I was a girl.

Nobody cares.

Yo, Pelican, from now on, you’re

lactose intolerant.

You only like Whizzo on your

cereal.

(Cereal fizzing)

Dad, chew more interestingly

while defusing this b*mb.

B-b-b*mb?

I’ll be in the sound truck

just in case.

(Exploding)

Sorry, kid, imitatable

behaviour.

Brush up and down, and wear this

cap.

(Door rattling)

(Gasping)

They’re finished for the day.

You were great.

I can’t wait to hear what you

say tomorrow when you find out

your sister accidently erased

your book report.

"Delete w*r.peace"?

(Clicking)

Sure.

She what?

According to the TV Daily,

fireworks ensued.

So how how do you feel, kid?

Let me call you back.

I’ll tell you how you feel:

exhausted yet strangely

energized.

What’s-her-name has the first

day’s ratings, and they’re good.

(Taps squeaking)

(Squelching)

Not People Who Shower in Gloppy

Mud good but good.

Oh, and we’re changing your

name.

Pelswick sounds like an air

freshener.

Are you an air freshener?

No.

From now on, you’re Lance.

Uh, we feel sick.

How long do we have to keep

licking this backhoe engine?

(Slurping)

I was wrong about that.

It wasn’t as funny as I thought.

We cut it.

(Slurping stops)

As I was telling Lance here--

No, you’re not changing my

name, and you’re not turning my

family into a bunch of circus

monkeys.

I should have put my foot down

earlier, or picked it up with my

hands and put it down earlier.

Take your cameras and your

microphones and your crew.

(Girls screaming)

GIRLSLance!

Lance, I love you.

TOGETHERLance!

Lance, lance, I love you.

You’re so cute, Lance.

sh**t me coming out of the

house to sign those autographs,

okay?

I wonder what he’s going to

order.

Not just yet, thanks.

I’m waiting for my friends Goon

and Ace.

Uh-oh.

Here’s your food, on the

house.

Yeah?

Is that because I’m famous?

No, it made someone sick and

they couldn’t finish it.

Eat around the bite marks.

SANDRAHi, Lance.

Hi, Sandra.

Where’s Julie?

Julie?

I don’t believe I know anyone

named Julie.

That backstabbing phony!

(Giggling)

I heard it was going to be

sunny today.

Perhaps I should, like,

sunscreen your ears.

(Squelching)

So what are you going to do

today?

Oh, the usualgo home and

drink a Whizzo Soda--

Four Whizzo Sodas.

Did I mention they’re

Slurpalicious?

GIRLSLance!

We love you!

(Girls screaming)

That’s fine.

Thank you, Sandra.

Lance!

Oh, look, it’s a jealous

unidentified glory grabber!

You know what I’m going to with

that cheap lipstick of yours!

Commercial!

So what do you think?

Swimming tonight?

Totally.

Goodnight.

(Slamming)

You thought about what I

said?

You didn’t say anything.

What I implied then.

This guy was replaced by--

Yeah, I knowTV uses you up

and throws you on the trash

heap.

But I already took the gig.

Haven’t you been watching TV?

It’s the curling semi-finals.

Nova Scotia looks good this

year.

Look, I’m not an actor.

If they cancel me, so what?

Guys, sorry.

It looks like I dragged you out

again for nothing.

How about Women Who Eat Far

Too Much Yummy Cake?

No.

(Cake crashing)

Well, how about Women Who

thr*aten To Eat Pet Toys Unless

They Meet Regis Philbin?

No.

Is that your final answer?

(School bell ringing)

(Yelling)

Good morning, students!

Here are the announcements.

Is this thing on?

TOGETHERYes, it’s on!

Is the PA broken?

As usual, I’ll do them in

song!

♪ Will Billy Levy

come to the office ♪

♪ Please

♪ And will the owner

of a bicycle chained to my car ♪

♪ Remove it, remove it

♪ Boo-boo bee-doo

Mrs. Doorhammer?

That’s not my teacher.

Our casting director thinks

the to year old males in

our audience will like this

teacher better.

I did your homework for you.

♪ Today’s lunch special

is sausage and eggs ♪

Thanks, Boyd.

That’s very considerate.

♪ And hair from

the chef’s legs ♪

It would be even more

considerate if any of these

answers were right but still.

Kid, your ratings are great.

You’re even b*ating my other

show,Who Wants to Marry a Guy

Who’s a Million Years Old?

Good, I guess.

Did you tell my dad?

Oh, uh, he’s out.

What?

Your brother and sister too,

but we’re keeping the old lady

because she’s screwy, funny,

whacky.

Here’s a picture of your new

family.

You replaced my family?

You obviously didn’t read

your contract.

By the way, I need you to drink

between and of these a

day, starting now.

My real family is living in a

trailer behind the TV station.

My dad thinks it’s great.

He get to watch me on TV all

day, and my sister and brother

are writing a tell-all exposé

called Lance Musgrave, the

Baseball Cap Wearing Sicko

Behind the Smile.

Musgrave?

Eggert’s out.

Tested too, uh, chickeny.

I don’t know who I am

anymore.

Don’t be silly.

You’re like Lance Musgrave,

Whizzo drinker and best friend

to me, Sandra Scuttle.

Hi, Pelswick, my main dude.

Which one of these helpless

kids’ lunches would you like?

I ate, thanks.

Would you like their clothes?

Lance, bad news, son.

(Playing organ)

I’ve come down with a disease

so rare, even I don’t have it.

(Tires screeching)

(Gasping)

He was so young.

(Speaking in French)

Mr. Warner, I don’t really

like these people.

Angela, ideaKids Who Hate

Their Families.

They’re not my family.

My real family is--

(Playing organ)

Stop that!

(Doorbell ringing)

Hi, Julie, come in.

They told me I can’t unless I

juggle malfunctioning

chainsaws.

I brought your homework.

Thanks.

So are you watching the show?

No; why would I?

It’s not you anymore.

I want out of this.

I quit!

(Gasping)

(Gasping)

(Gasping)

Commercial!

How did he test?

Not good.

Replace him!

(Creaking)

Sorry, kid, you’ve got a

run-of-show contract and you

test great.

You’re going to be on the air

drinking Whizzo for a long time.

Okay, I need help.

CARSDEN’S VOICENot good.

Replace him, replace him,

replace him!

That’s it.

You weren’t warning me about

being replaced; you were telling

me how easy it is to be

replaced.

You got it.

All I need is someone to be

replaced with.

But how many people can do it

under their knee?

(Knee squeaking)

He-he, excuse me.

Mr. Warner, I have an

original idea for my character.

Ah!

Huh?

You can’t have an original

idea on TV.

If we have one, we’ll need a

second one, and where are we

going to get that?

You’re fired, as soon as we can

replace you, but with who?

(Doorbell ringing)

Here’s a guy who’s never had an

original thought in his life.

Hi, Lance.

You called me?

He’s not Lance; you’re Lance.

Where do you live, kid?

Over by the--

Not anymore.

From now on, you live with

Whacky Circus Family!

(Laughing)

New ideaWhen Assistants Go

Crazy and Smash You Over the

Head With Their Clipboards.

(Crashing)

(Tires screeching)

♪