02x05 - It Must Be The Shoes

[bunniefuu]

♪

(Honking)

Whoa!

Whoa!

Ah!

♪

Boo yeah!

A little Eggert Shake ’n Bake,

he sh**t and ohh he scores!

And the ball is back in play.

(Computer beeping)

Dude, you faked me right out

of my underwear.

Eww, putting them on wrong is

probably a factor.

TV ANNOUNCERHe scores, he

scores, he scores!

Three pointer!

You really are amazing, you

ought to play real b-ball.

I do play real b-ball.

Real B-Ball by Talbendo.

You press R to harass the

coach and get a three game

suspension.

BASKETBALL PLAYERWhatdo

you mean I’m out?

Actually, I mean, real real

basketball.

You know, with people and sweat.

Do you think?

(Crowd cheering)

ANNOUNCEREggert weaves

through the defence, he stops,

locks and scores!

An incredible three pointer, a

lucrative shoe contract and his

own hip hop CD.

I’m serious, you’ve got

moves.

This joystick, that one.

What’s the difference?

Don’t get me wrong, I like

pro sportsthe jets, the limos,

the girls, the money.

Thegirls holding the money, in

the limos, on the jets.

But there’s stuff I don’t like

about real sports, like

exercise and pain and having to

pretend you actually read books

in public service announcements.

Yes, I’m out, woo hoo!

(Crashing)

♪

(Horn blowing)

(Crowd cheering)

ALLTouchdown, touchdown,

yeah, yeah, yeah!

(Whispering)

(Girls giggling)

Basket, basket, yeah, yeah,

yeah!

Hmm, maybe I will go out for

the team.

They could use someone who can’t

accidentally trip over his own

feet.

Over here, over here!

Yeah!

Ah!

(Crashing)

(Crowd booing)

ALLOuch, ouch, yeah, yeah,

yeah!

Boo, you stink!

On the other hand, there’s a

lot of pressure on an athlete.

Pressure?

There’s no pressure, as long as

you don’t stink!

You guys stink!

What do you care whether our

jocks b*at their jocks?

Yeah, we know we hate

our jocks.

Like, their jocks might be nice.

Well, we want our team to win

because, well, because their

uniforms are a better colour.

And the other team’s mascot’s

a p*ssy cat.

A wild cat, ohh, it’s scary.

Roar, roar.

ACEYeah, right.

We’ve got Beaky the Birdman.

Somebody help me, I’ve been

smelling my own face sweat for

three hours.

Okay, Beaky’s lame, but

sports are cool.

Not the way boys play them.

If the girl’s, like had a

basketball team we’d play just

for fun.

The girl’s don’t have a team?

How dare you deny us women, our

rightful opportunity to dribble!

Girl’s, you’re the victim of

budget cuts.

Sadly, there’s not enough money

for a girl’s team and this

year’s Charles Dickens themed

spring musical!

Ah.

Like wow, costumes,

choreography, Cockney accents.

♪It was the best of times ♪

♪ It was the worst of times

Can we focus here?

It was a hard decision.

Years ago, Alcatraz had a proud

tradition of girl’s basketball.

We also had a proud tradition of

holding our hands like this, as

if eating a big submarine

sandwich.

Munch, munch, munch.

(Throat clearing)

Sorry, ahem, in those days, the

star of the team was Pricilla

"Elbows" Eggert.

(Crashing)

The hoop was just a peach

basket, it was Elbows who

ex*cuted the first slam dunk.

Thereby, inventing the hole.

Glory days girls!

We can’t use the gym because

he wants to rehearse the

musical, so let’s just do the

musical!

And add a few basketballs,

hoops, whistles and a score

board!

♪

Eggert fakes left, behind the

back pass, ohh yeah!

I got skills!

Exciting news!

I’m tutoring some under

privileged children who

need a responsible father figure

right here in our home.

That’s great dad.

...okay.

(Computer beeping)

Homeboy’s all that with the

joystick, but can he take a real

ball to the hole?

You want to trash talk?

Try this.

Ow, ow, ow!

Dude, watch the nose.

Oh!

Not bad, why don’t you try out

for the team?

The school team?

They’re hopeless they can’t even

dunk their own doughnuts.

(Sizzling)

Ahh hot!

Sorry!

Cream?

Ohh.

Plus the fans are hostile,

they’d boo me like they’d boo

everyone else on the team.

(Throat clearing)

The day they boo is the day

you’ll play.

What kind of advice is that?

I could do better with one of

those plastic -balls.

Great ’cause I need a break.

(Zapping)

(Ship horn blowing)

(Water bubbling)

The day they boo is the day

you’ll play.

Whatever.

♪

Before we start, I must say,

it’s nice to see students so in

love with chemistry, they come

to class with their favourite

atomic numbers written on their

shirts.

We’re just trying to pass the

dumb makeup finals, so we don’t

get kicked off the dumb team.

I see, so you aren’t

academically needy, so much as

you are um--

Stupid jocks?

We never ever use that word.

Sorry.

Stupid athletes?

Enough thinking you eggheads,

you want to give him brain

bruises?

Time for a sh**t round!

(Whistle blowing)

Gram-Gram, they have to pass

chemistry or they can’t play.

Oh, don’t sweat it.

I’ll drill them during layups.

Hydrogen, helium, tsk boom ba!

Lithium, beryllium, ra ra ra!

♪

Oliver Twist, don’t forget

when you’re being double-teamed

you have to pitch up to the open

guard.

Yes Sir!

Oh, I mean...(in cockney accent)

yes, sir.

Work on your lines while I go

fetch the Tale of Two Cities’

guillotine.

♪Tis a far far better♪

♪thing I do ♪

He’s gone, let’s play!

Remember, we’ll all make

mistakes, so let’s remain

supportive not like those silly

boys.

(Buzzing)

Good try!

Yay for Kelly, she hit

something!

(Gasping)

It like, went in, cool!

Yeah, if your goal is to make

others feel inadequate!

Like sorry.

Sorry!

♪

Sorry!

Hi Pelswick.

Hey Julie, why are you

dressed like Dr. Quinn?

It’s a long story.

So, uh, Ace says you’re a

basketball hot sh*t.

You know how Ace exaggerates.

I need a full time personal

coach.

He doesn’t always exaggerate.

Sandra’s better than me and

it’s coming between us.

Can you teach me to play as well

as her so we can still be

friends?

Sure, I can do that.

I’m like, so much better than

Julie it’s coming between us.

I want you two to teach me to

play worst than her so we can,

like still be friends.

I’ve seen her play, oh that’s

going to be tough.

What made you come to us?

(Crashing)

Ohh.

Yeah, just like that.

♪

I did it, I did it!

I made a sh*t, I’m just like

Sandra now.

Way to go Julie.

Maybe we should quit here,

since we have to be in school in

three hours.

Thanks, really, I think I owe

you a little something.

Oh yeah.

(Lips smacking)

So you can find your way

home!

Another session before

tomorrow’s rehearsal-- I mean,

practice?

If you think the neck can

stand it.

Great, I have to be careful

though, I don’t want to get

better than Sandra.

I think you’ve got a pretty

comfortable buffer zone there.

♪

Luke, I am your guardian

angel.

And did I mention, the day they

boo is the day you’ll play!

Welcome to the dark side.

(Heavy breathing)

♪

SANDRAWhat’s up first

governor,I mean Kelly.

Layups.

Sandra!

(Grunting)

(Crashing)

Sandra, are you okay?

Did it like go in?

Uh no, it rolled into the

supply cupboard.

Then I feel great, I’m just like

Julie!

(Door creaking)

Julie, you wouldn’t believe

what I just did!

Oh yeah?

Watch this!

♪

Wow Julie!

I know, I know.

You’ve become a vain boastful

show-off who makes the rest of

us look like garbage.

C’mon Sandra, us girls who

play with equal non-competitive

awfulness want to buy you a

burger.

But but--

Thanks a lot Pelswick!

But you asked me to make you

good!

In a more better kind of way.

Not that good!

(Bubbling)

Personally, I favour

abolishing tests and exams, but

if you don’t pass today’s

chemistry test you’ll be

benched.

This pudding tastes weird.

You’re eating a petri dish

full of slime mould, Einstein.

(Dramatic organ playing)

Not bad.

♪

So Julie got real good and

now the team’s mad at her

because they’re not trying to be

so good so they won’t be like

the boys who aren’t good but

want to be good.

It’s kind of confusing-ish.

Pelswick, Pelswick, Pelswick!

No, it’s Goon, Ace, Pelswick.

Vice Principle Zeigler wants

to know if you’ll play a key

role in tonight’s big game.

Oh he does, does he?

That’s what he was saying,

our team’s lousy they’ll boo,

I’ll play and save the day!

Of course I will!

Great, he was right, he said

your nose would fit perfectly

inside the beak.

I don’t understand.

Our last Beaky the Bird had

an accident.

Are there any eggs you need

me to sit on until you recover?

(Squawking)

Oh, Mr. Jimmy!

Come out of there you coward!

Don’t look straight into

that, you’ll go blind.

Or, no wait, was that the sun?

Anyway I got some advice for ya.

I know, when they boo you

will play.

You call this playing?

I’m a bird, they’re going to

mock me!

That’d make you a mocking

bird.

This looks more like a cardinal.

I don’t want to be any bird!

I thought I’d be on the court.

Want the -ball again?

That depends if you’re

planning on standing within

throwing range.

I’ve seen your sh**t, I’d

have to be pretty close.

You will meet a tall dark wasp,

it’s for you.

Is this thing on?

ALLYes, it’s on!

Welcome to the final game

between the Birdmen of Alcatraz

and the Wasps of Gated Community

Private School.

(Crowd cheering)

On a personal note, I hope

you’ll all turn out next week

for our spring musical!

Don’t you even look at her

Sandra, if she’s going to work

hard and excel she’s not worth

bothering with!

Can we crawl under the

bleachers to look for lose

change?

Don’t you want to see your

brother in a bird suit?

I’d rather play in sticky

stuff.

And now, our beloved mascot,

Beaky the Birdman will lead us

in a cheer!

This bites.

ALLThis bites, this bites,

yeah, yeah, yeah!

And here to throw out the

ceremonial first elbow, is

Alcatraz Junior High’s own--

Hush up and play some hoop!

I got next.

Where’s Pelswick go?

What a move, you’re missing a

heck of a game.

You can’t see anything under

here but saggy seats and gum

stalactites.

How are you watching the game?

On the future channel.

What?

Well, I’m going to go watch

next year’s game.

Popcorn’s fresher in the future.

Remember--

I know, when they boo I’ll

play, I heard ’em already,

thanks.

Look Bobby, some primo change

dropping butts and your

humiliated big brother.

♪

ZEIGLEROh, nice try by the

big mean triangular boy.

(Crowd cheering)

Hum the jaunty going in the

net song.

♪ Going in the net

♪ I’m going in the net ♪

♪ I’m a biggie bouncy ball ♪

♪ I’m going in the net ♪

(Buzzer sounding)

It’s half time and our boys are

down by ten.

But they’ll be right back.

No they won’t, they’ve failed

chemistry, they’re disqualified.

(Gasping)

Oops.

The school’s rule is pass or

don’t play.

Time’s about to run out on

Alcatraz Junior High.

In a long long history of

humiliating Alcatraz Junior High

sporting events, this baby takes

the cake.

You know Sandra, there’s no

reason for us to argue.

I only got better to be more

like you.

You did?

I like, only got lousy at

sh**ting and passing and

dribbling and almost unable to

walk to be more like you.

Really?

Pardon me in coach!

I’m sorry Elbows, you can’t

play, we have no girl’s team.

Yes we do!

Vice Principle Zeigler!

Hello little bird!

South is that way.

Fly, fly to your warm winter

heaven.

Right, uh, but before we

forfeit can you give me five

minutes and the key to the

costume room?

(Nervous laughing)

♪

I’m tickled pink to announce

that the game will continue.

(Crowd gasping)

But for the second half,

Alcatraz will be represented by

the high kicking, fun singing,

smash hit musical of the year,

Little Dickens.

(Gasping)

Play this right boys and

there’s soundtrack money in it

for all of us!

Timpani!

♪

What is this?

We may look like David

Copperfield, Martin Chuzzlewit,

Oliver Twist, Tiny Tim and like

one of the beggars from Bleak

House but we’re all academically

qualified.

Little Dorrit?

Oh here’s my chem. final,

there was only four chemicals

then but I knew them all.

Let’s play some ball!

(Crowd cheering)

It’s the famous urchin chorus

line.

♪ We had the expectations to

♪rise above our stations ♪

♪ In this filthy dirty world

♪ of ours

(Crowd cheering)

Alright!

Boo!

Buzz off!

(Crashing)

Ow.

(Whistle blowing)

(Buzzing)

ZEIGLERAt the break with

three seconds on the clock and

two free throws to Alcatraz,

we’re behind by one point.

(Crowd cheering)

We’re pounding them!

We’re creaming them!

(Weeping)

We’ve hurt and humiliated

them.

We’ve become the same as the

boys.

Except sweeter smelling with

a better offensive rotation.

But we did this to make a

statement that it’s not about

winning, it’s about having fun

and being with friends.

(Weeping)

We have to lose.

But how?

If I like take those last two

sh*ts, they’re going in, I’ve

got nothing but net.

Me too, my hands are swish

machines.

If we can’t take the sh*ts,

we all foul out of the game.

Don’t look at us, Walkie and

me are on fire.

(Crowd booing)

CROWDPlay ball, play ball,

play ball, play ball!

Pelswick, you passed

chemistry.

Of course, have Pelswick take

the foul sh*ts.

Me?

Like what a wonderful way to

say we don’t care about winning.

Please Pelswick, could you do

it?

Excuse me.

Good game next week.

They weren’t booing before,

they were laughing at me.

Uh huh.

Now, they’re booing.

You got it.

Now they’re booking, I better

take these sh*ts and lose the

game.

They’re counting on ya.

What if I through it and it

goes in?

Just have faith in yourself

kid and there’s no way you can

win.

(Crowd booing)

♪

I can do this.

(Gasping)

That was awfully close.

One more chance folks.

Is it overtime, or must I fill

this bucket with my salty tears?

C’mon Pelswick!

Please Pelswick!

(Buzzing)

Hooray!

Oh yeah, yeah!

Oh, Pelswick!

(Team cheering for Pelswick)

(Crowd booing)

You hate me, you really hate

me.

♪

♪