02x04 - Boyd, Here Comes The Flood

[bunniefuu]

♪

(Honking)

Whoa!

Whoa!

Ah!

♪

♪

What’s with Buzzy?

Did his mom cut his hair again?

(Laughing)

Ma!

We save $ in bus fare to

the mall.

Oh, Ma!

Don’t pay any attention to

those laughing hyenas.

You look very handsome.

Mom, please!

He won, Buzzy won!

Okay, what’d he win?

You know Hoop Loop Soup?

You mean that awful soup with

the basketball noodles?

Yeah, it’s pretty disgusting.

But they put a few genuine Shaq

Jordan autographs inside

specially marked cans.

Buzzy made his mom buy a whole

crate of soup.

ALLOoh!

ACEHe opened ’em all last

night.

And he got one.

And so now, what, Buzzy’s

some major classroom celeb

’cause he’s got a piece of

soggy-noodle covered paper?

Did you hear about Buzzy?

Schoolyard fame’s a funny

thing.

My, my, it’s noisy in here.

Where’s your teacher?

In the staff room trying to

figure out how to make history

class less exciting.

♪

Mrs. Doorhammer needs an

assistant in this class.

Ooh, is that a Shaq Jordan

autograph covered in chicken

and noodles?

Boy, oh, boy, if they’d had

this great stuff for seniors

when I was younger, I would’ve

gotten older sooner.

Heya, Gram-Gram.

New catalogue?

There it is!

(Cat screeching)

There it is!

Wh-wh-what is it, what is it?

Oh, the Mach De-wrinklizer

Spa Cozy, as I live and barely

breathe.

(Coughing)

Oh, three dozen powerful jets

tone, relax, massage, and

simultaneously blast away all

vestiges of wrinkle jam.

It looks like a jet engine

hooked to a bathtub.

It is.

Old folks need a lot of

blasting.

(Cat screeching)

Boy, the overpriced garbage

they try and sell people.

Oh, I need it.

I need it, I need it!

Talk to your father.

It’s vital to my health.

(Coughing)

Oh, and, uh, other things.

Hey, Alonso, bubba, luffa me,

per favore.

Anything you say, Priscilla.

Oh, nibble, nibble.

Gram-Gram, I hate to rain on

your catalogue, but , bucks

is a little out of your range.

Your pension cheque barely

covers cat food for you and

steak for the cat.

Did you ever think of switching?

Well, I tried but it made my

coat dull.

Oh, I need cash, quick.

Quentin!

Yes, Gram-Gram?

What’s this?

Oh, it’s a bill for carrying

you in my womb.

Plus labour and delivery

charges.

$,?

Well, I mean, I do owe you that

and more.

Bingo!

Oh, I’m coming, Alonso.

But regrettably, you’re fifth

in line.

Behind who?

Well, I owe the indigenous

peoples of this big tent sky

dwelling place trillion

dollars as my portion of the

debt for taking their land, and

for the shameful depiction of

them in movies and cigar

stores.

Can you wait years?

No!

Alonso can’t wait years in

that tub!

He’ll shrivel up like a prune!

What’s with the soup, champ?

Well, I kinda want a certain

girl to pay a little more

attention to me.

Did you ever do anything that

made you stand out in school?

Only once, when Gram-Gram cut

my hair.

(Laughing)

Don’t you pay attention to

those laughing hyenas.

Oh, you looked very handsome.

Hm, now I need a job that pays

grand.

"WantedStewardess with

potential of becoming a flight

attendant."

Oh, aren’t they the same thing?

Not at all.

Flight attendant is the correct,

gender-sensitive term.

For what?

Stewardess.

Oh.

How about this?

"Instructor in the new martial

art of Bo Tae.

I heard of that.

It’s a combination of Jeet Kun

Do and party etiquette.

Mushroom cap?

Hee-ya!

Hey, check this out.

"Teaching assistant at local

junior high."

Mrs. Doorhammer needs an

assistant in this class.

No!

Teaching, huh?

Oh, I can do that.

Are you gonna eat those eight

cans of soup?

Suddenly I’m not hungry.

Mr. Jimmy!

Yo, did you know there’s a

pea under your mattress?

And a comb, and a half a French

fry, and a small coin, possibly

Portuguese.

(Cat screeching)

Nah, it was just your cat.

I have a problem.

Well, I don’t have it yet, but

tomorrow I’m gonna have it.

We never had that talk about

altering the past, did we?

What?

It’s a bad idea.

(Growling)

You go back in time and step

on one Jurassic butterfly.

(Squishing)

And all of a sudden, back in the

present, they got entire cities

of flying, man-eating monkeys.

(Screeching)

It isn’t the past I wanna

change, it’s now.

Gram-Gram’s getting a job as a

TA in my class.

Do you know how mortifying

that’ll be?

I’d love to help you, but you

don’t know how delicate this

changing the past stuff is.

You eat one BBQ potato chip in

, and back in the present

day, all the doors in the

world become upside-down

triangles.

It’s not the past I want

changed.

(Grunting)

Told ya.

Why couldn’t I have just got

that cute teenage witch from the

TV show?

Mrs. Doorhammer is busy

today, so I want to introduce

you to your new teacher’s

assistant, Ms. Eggert.

Eggert?

Ooh, ooh, I object to this

woman’s employment, on the

grounds that she has no valid

teaching credentials.

Not true, I studied at

Matchbook Cover University for

over three hours.

And got this diploma.

I’m also licensed to remove

teeth.

Uh, I’d prefer that.

I’ll leave you now, but not

as your vice principal.

I’m going to leave as a mother

bird feigning a broken wing to

distract a badger from her eggs.

Ooh, ooh.

Ms. Eggert, how long are you

going to be our teacher?

Until $,.

(Cash register bell ringing)

Now, I want you to know that

even if some of you might be

related to me, there’ll be no

favouritism.

You, Pelswick, sit up straight,

no slouching, and what is on

your face?

(Spitting)

ALLEw!

It wasn’t that bad.

Compared to what, the

destruction of Alderaan by the

Death Star?

Actually, I don’t think

anyone noticed.

(Laughing)

Are you crazy?

Uh, uh, I mean, that’s right.

At Redfern Elementary today,

a kid got his tongue stuck in

the merry-go-round.

He had to be fed by tube for

four hours until he could be

face-greased and extracted by

firemen.

You know the first thing he said

when they got him out?

(Gasping)

At least I’m not Pelswick

Eggert.

Oh, she tried acting hip.

Dr. Livingstone, I presume.

Or as my young, happenin’

grandson would say, "Hey, dude,

what is the happenin’?"

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, booyah!

(Laughing)

PELSWICKThen she tried to

do me a favour by not going easy

on me.

The answer is--

Wrong!

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong,

wrong!

Grow a brain, why don’t you, you

big, brainless person!

Man, days like today I bet

you wish you had a guardian

angel or something.

Yeah, or something.

(Bell ringing)

Roll call!

My little Pelsy-Welsy Eggert?

(Desk opening)

He doesn’t seem to be here,

ma’am.

Just us firemen checking the

desks for back drafts.

(Laughing)

Mrs. Doorhammer is busy again

today.

She’s found an interesting

element on the atomic table.

So this week, Ms. Eggert will be

teaching you about the

hopelessly dull Bayview flood of

.

(Groaning)

I will now play the part of the

badger, wondering whether to

pursue the eggs or the wounded

bird.

(Sniffing)

(Screaming)

What a fruitcake.

(Clearing throat)

All right, the great Bayview

flood.

Oh.

"The waters rose an average of

. centimetres an hour,

covering an area of--"

Wow, that’s boring.

ALLHuh?

Let me tell you what really

happened.

You’re looking at the original

flood-proof skin.

ALLOoh!

That’s right, I was there.

Let me take you back.

Lightning!

(Crashing)

Thunder!

(Crashing)

Oh, we knew we had a wet year

coming, ’cause of the mysterious

omens.

That year, my daddy grew a

rutabaga the size of a two-door

hatchback, that looked just like

Mother Teresa.

ALLWho?

Uh, Christina Aguilera.

ALLOh!

GRAM-GRAMThere were strange

lights in the sky.

The old folks said it was a

horrible omen.

Repent, the end is near!

The end is near!

Uh, you wanna go that way.

GRAM-GRAMBut it turned out

to be a couple of newlywed

aliens who had taken a wrong

turn on the way to Niagara

Falls.

All the dogs born that year had

two tails.

(Barking)

And instead of barking, they

lowed like cows.

(Mooing)

Uh, what does any of that

have to do with the

well-documented Bayview flood?

Sh!

Finally what tipped us off

that a flood was a-comin’, it

rained for weeks.

ALLOoh!

This is so bogus.

But the flood made Floyd

Scullarzo a rich man.

That’s right, Boyd, your

grandfather.

Floyd had got up early to rotate

and humiliate the soil on his

farm, when the flood washed a

fortune of gold nuggets out of

the hills, and plopped them down

on his land like Easter eggs.

What?

Then why aren’t we rich today?

Sadly, the Floydster invested

every dime in the telegraph

internet.

"Got mail."

We went to school by gondola.

Dry socks were going for

$,.

But the town pulled together

like drowning rats, and we came

through it with flags flyin’

high and spirits soarin’.

(Applauding)

You’ve got the coolest

grandmother in the whole world.

Can I call you tonight?

They made her chairperson of

the Bayview flood of ’ parade

committee.

Thanks to Gram-Gram’s stories,

I’m the most popular kid in

school.

I had to get an unlisted locker.

(Chewing)

What are we eating?

Non-packaged TV alternative

dinners.

From an organic fibre wearing

collective.

Yeah, but what is it?

Well, the girl at Fibre Mart

recommended it.

It’s soy-free tofu with no

dairy, no meat, no additives, no

wheat, no whey and no whales.

What does it have?

Sawdust.

We’re eating sawdust?

I want Gram-Gram’s barn-burner

chilli!

Where is she?

Here.

Oh, and by treading water

for days, with two cats on

his head, your grandfather

saved Bayview.

My Gramper saved the...

I mean, welcome back.

We’re talking to Priscilla

Eggert, Flood Days’ flood of

’ authority.

Gram-Gram.

She’s a star.

But what she said isn’t true.

(Phone ringing)

Dad, chill.

Truth, untruth, she was there.

Julie, babe.

She was also there at the

drive-thru last week when she

thought the food-ordering clown

was an ex-pro boxer.

MANHi, may I help you?

Bite off his ear, will ya?

Come on, this isn’t doing any

harm.

You watching the news?

Talk us through some of the

floats we’ll be seeing this

year.

Well, I’d be happy to, news

boy.

The Alcatraz Junior High

cheerleader pyramid is sewing

together skirts for a float

that’ll commemorate, uh, some

story I told ’em earlier.

Of course I’ll sit with you

at lunch tomorrow.

Third table from the cafeteria

door?

Next to the barf?

NEWS ANCHORWhat is the

square-headed young lad doing?

GRAM-GRAMRehearsing his

role as Mayor Harbinger, who

cured himself of his hiccups by

drinking Bayview town centre

dry while standing on his head.

Oh, I remember it well.

No, mother, you don’t

remember it well.

You made it up!

Ciao, bambina.

It’s kinda nice having everyone

pay attention to me.

Oh, hi, Pelswick.

When did you come in?

(Dog growling)

No, not grrr, moo.

Hey, hey, looking good.

Hey, look, it’s the old

lady’s grandson.

(Applauding)

Thank you, thank you.

Get your genuine flood

water.

$ for this water taken at the

flood’s height.

Receding water only $..

So long, sucker.

Huh?

Boyd with a dinghy and an auger?

Or as children the world over

know them, drilly thingies.

Hi, guys.

Pelswick, we want to, like,

apologize for thinking Buzzy

Loopner’s soup autograph was,

like, interesting.

Oh, shucks, that’s okay.

Your grandma’s the most

awesome old lady on the planet.

Pelswick?

I know, my Gram-Gram’s pretty

amazing.

Yeah, but she said my

great-uncle plugged the dam with

his big toe, saving the town.

Uh-huh?

Actually, my family only

moved to Bayview years ago.

Plus my mom says my great-uncle

didn’t have a big toe.

Okay, I’ll level with you

here.

What you didn’t know about your

uncle was...

Look at that pigeon!

Did you know birds have a lot of

trouble with badgers?

(Belching)

Go on about my great-uncle.

Right.

You...you see, he was a, uh, a

pirate, who happened to be in

Bayview for a pirate convention

during flood month.

And he plugged the dam with his

big, wooden toe.

Wow, that means we have to

redo my float with a pirate

theme.

Plus completely change our

family album.

Did you guys hear that about

Ace’s great-uncle?

Wow, just like that, Ace’s

ancestors are now pirates.

Hi, Buzzy.

Careful, Pelswick.

I used to be somebody too.

♪

(Cheering)

(Mooing)

(Hiccupping)

Now I will drink Bayview town

centre dry.

(Barking)

No, it’s like, "Moo."

Sure ain’t like last year’s

flood parade.

Boyd’s up to something.

But what?

You know, if you went back to

ancient Egypt and flicked the

Sphinx’s nose, back when he had

a nose...

Holy guardian angels, will

you quit with that?

I didn’t change the past.

But Gram-Gram did!

And I helped her!

Those who don’t remember the

road they took in the past, are

condemned to drive over the same

potholes of life.

(Popping)

Potholes?

(Water splashing)

(Gasping)

Water!

Boyd!

The Scullarzo kid?

Just had him in my hardware

store.

I need one of those drilly

thingies.

And the pointy thingy that goes

in the end.

Are you drilling through wood

or metal?

The Bayview Dam.

(Drilling)

When I’m rich, I’ll hire someone

to do the bullying for me.

(Drilling)

(Cheering)

Gram-Gram, Boyd has a drilly

thingy, and he’s gone to the

dam.

You mean an auger.

He’s gonna flood the town!

Why?

I don’t know, for

miscellaneous evil bully

purposes?

Aargh, yo, ho, ho.

Ace, follow us!

I was just about to yo my ho.

Hey, if you don’t come, Goon

may have to drink the real town

centre.

Okay, but I might need some

pretzels.

Uh, ignore that stuff around

your ankles.

That’s from the next flood.

It’s worthless.

(Screaming)

(Drilling)

The hole’s growing!

Ace, your big, wooden toe.

His ancestors were pirates.

It’s a long story, I’ll explain

it later.

Hey, urban climbing’s illegal.

Scoot!

Gram-Gram, throw me off the dam.

Okay, but you gotta make me

mad at you first.

I’m not gonna plunge to my

death.

I’m tied off.

Oh, well, in that case.

(Screaming)

Phew!

(Groaning)

It worked!

I did it!

I actually...of course, I did.

ZEIGLERPelswick!

That should hold the water

until it can be repaired.

You’ve saved the town!

What can Bayview give to repay

you?

Say about...$,.

The flood water rose at the

rate of . centimetres per

hour.

Graph the water’s rise with a

different colour for each day.

This is boring.

Yeah, Boyd, but at least this

stuff did happen.

I hope this won’t rust my

wheels.

Ooh, try the spouter option.

(Splashing)

Yee-haw!

♪