02x11 - Hear No Evil, P.C. No Evil

[bunniefuu]

♪

(Honking)

Whoa!

Whoa!

Ah!

♪

PRISCILLAIt just better be

one of your brother’s practical

jokes.

Pelswick wouldn’t be that

cruel.

(Dinging)

Hey, you guys got a note too?

I don’t mind telling you, I’m

scared.

Every time your father calls a

family meeting it’s to announce

once of his nut bar schemes.

Great news!

We’re going to Brazil to chain

ourselves to an indigenous

people.

(Buzzing)

Could someone free my

mosquito slapping hand?

Great news!

We’re going to picket a biker’s

club house until they let women

bikers ride in front!

Hey, nice tattoo of a child

being eaten by a snake, heh.

Dad!

(Dinging)

Oh, okay good.

You’re all here.

I called this family meeting

because, I, uh, well.

I have an announcement.

Uh-oh.

I have--

Plane tickets to some native

land?

Protest signs already in the

car?

David Hasselhoff’s phone

number?

Well I can dream, can’t I?

No, a girlfriend!

(Gasping)

Really?

That’s all?

I mean, Dad that’s great!

Her name’s Spagna.

She’s part Asian, part European,

part African, part Native North

American.

All that and the best her

parents came up with was Spagna?

(Sighing)

Our eyes met across a crowded

pamphlet table.

It was gender stereotype free

appreciation at first sight.

Oh, she’s coming for dinner

tomorrow.

Now look, I have to start

cooking, and rearranging the

dining room chairs into a non

patriarchal, non head of the

table-ist oval.

♪ I am the very model of a

modern egalitarian ♪

(Singing)

If Dad get’s married again,

he’s going to want more kids.

That’ll be a disaster!

I was even against Bobby at

first.

No offense.

Offense.

Aren’t you at least glad he’s

happy?

I have over documented

cases of step mothers being

cruel to small children in these

books.

The cute little sister with the

great singing voice always gets

the worst of it.

Kate, they’re fairy tales.

Easy for you to say.

You’ll be out partying while I’m

scrubbing the coal scuttle!

Whatever that is.

Gram Gram, will you tell Kate

she has nothing to worry about?

There’s only room for one

alpha female in this house.

If another woman moves in here

it’ll be the Granny dumpster for

me.

Gram Gram please!

The granny dumpster doesn’t

exist.

Whoa, that’s what you think.

It’s full of old ladies, and

rats, and banana peels.

Bring out your unwanted

grannies.

Ugh, I’m a stepmother, is

there room for another granny?

Always room for another

unwanted granny.

Toss her in!

Kate, tell her that’s a myth.

With stepmothers anything’s

possible.

(Sighing)

Come on, Kate.

Let’s go build that dirt floor

hut out by the creek that we’ll

be forced to move into when that

woman arrives.

Are the women your age this

unreasonable?

(Belching)

This isn’t a pop up book.

Where’s the tennis player in

Moby d*ck?

Oh, it’s horrible what salt

water does to your clothes.

Is this some kind of clue?

Clue?

It’s a travesty!

The ball was in.

In, you hear me?

This is what I think of your

line call.

Whoa, wow!

That’s great.

When you do it down here it

doesn’t pfft right through the

cloud.

But I’m still mad.

Um, you want me to quit

school and become a tennis pro?

That’s what I think of your

call.

(Grunting)

(Screaming)

(Sighing)

"From the stern of the ship,

Captain Ahab could see that Mr.

Jimmy’s tennis ball was clearly

within the--"

(Scoffing)

Hey, change it back!

(Crashing)

MR. JIMMYOw!

PELSWICKHey, you finish

reading Moby d*ck for English?

I’m up to where Captain Jimmy

double faults in the crucial

third set tie breaker.

Uh, that was my favourite

part.

I’ve got a question for you

guys.

What do you know about the

differences between men and

women?

Uh, I know women’s ears are

on the sides of their heads.

Actually, Goon, men’s ears

are on the side too.

Oh, in that case I can’t

think of anything.

The only reason I ask is some

woman’s interested in my Dad.

Good for him.

Well that’s what I said.

But certain members of my family

are worried.

Basically, I just want to prove

to Kate and Gram Gram that

they’re wrong.

Hey, you want us to check her

out?

How?

The Ace and Goon Detective

Agency.

With the internet there’s

nothing you can’t find out about

someone.

Take Vice Principal Zeigler.

I can tell you that this morning

he skipped his usual route to

school and cut through the

downtown agricultural parade.

And he gassed up his car.

That’s amazing, how do you

know that?

ACEOh, I have my methods.

Okay, well check her out for

me.

Her name’s Spagna

Mcouinskicanchasa.

Oh man, she’s going to be

hard to find.

You’re kidding, right?

Nah, that’s the Smith of

Asian European African Native

North American names.

(Sighing)

QUENTINOh, she’s late!

She’s not coming!

Maybe she didn’t see the house

number!

Dad, I think she’ll see it.

She’s probably putting the

last coating on the poisoned

apples.

(Doorbell ringing)

It’s her, uh-oh, okay.

Nobody use the elevator.

That’s in case of fire,

remember?

Right, okay.

Nobody move, stay where you are.

Somebody’s got to move to

answer the door.

The door?

The door!

Spagna, you found the house

all right.

I brought a Green Peace

approved apple pie.

"No dolphins were

accidentally picked for this

dessert."

Great.

Now where are those wonderful

children of yours?

Remember, this woman’s our

guest and until I find out

something personal and damaging

about her with photographs and

affidavits I don’t want her to

feel bad.

QUENTINEveryone, this is

Spagna.

Spagna, this is Pelswick, Gran

Gran, Bobby, and Kate.

To the best of your

recollection have you read or

modelled your life after any of

these Hans Christian Anderson

fairy tales?

(Throat clearing)

"The Girl who was baked into

a pie by her cruel Stepmother."

(Gasping)

(Screaming)

Quentin tells me you have the

most angelic singing voice.

Is that true?

Uh.

(Laughing)

I dabble.

I could take you.

Mrs. Egbert, I must say I

think it’s wonderful that you’re

here so the children can benefit

every day from your great

maturity and wisdom.

Oh, well I can spit a corn

cob from here into the garbage

can.

(Chewing)

(Spitting)

Brava!

(Applauding)

And from his sparkling smile,

and nothing else, I can tell

this must be Pelswick.

Hi.

Pelswick, Pelswick, Pelswick.

Hi, hi, hi.

It’s so, so, so good to meet

you, you brave brave little boy.

You are the most special person

in this household and don’t ever

let anyone tell you otherwise,

okay?

Thanks.

Did your father tell you?

I love Christopher Reeve.

Uh, no?

Oh, but here I am chatting

away and you’ve made this

wonderful dinner.

Ah, did you cook this all by

yourself?

I lit the candle actually.

Enough chitter chatter, let’s

dig in.

ACECheck her against arrest

records, traffic tickets, court

marshals, appearances on

humiliating reality shows, and

People Magazine’s Worst Dressed

List.

I got ’em.

(Laughing)

What are you doing?

You said to go through her

garbage where you were looking

on the computer.

Not where I was looking on

the computer, while I was

looking on the computer.

Oh, at least I didn’t make a

mess in the street.

She sure eats a lot.

Not really.

This is from the restaurant next

door to her house.

Why did you bring garbage

from a restaurant?

In case she doesn’t put hers

out until tomorrow.

Mrs. Eggert how do you get

your hair like that?

Oh, I just throw it in the

dishwasher, take it out when it

pings.

And Kate, I hear you have

built up an amazingly diverse

stock portfolio, is that true?

Oh.

(Laughing)

I dabble.

There, all done.

Thanks for doing that but

it’s my legs that don’t work,

not my teeth.

(Laughing)

You’re so funny too.

Goodnight.

Have a safe environmentally

friendly vehicle ride home.

Well, what do you think of her?

I guess she wasn’t entirely

wicked.

Oh yeah, she was okay.

Oh, isn’t Spagna the most

selfless giving person you ever

met?

Well what’d you find out

about her?

We did a cursory examination

of municipal records and a name

check against newspaper stories

going back five years.

And?

She’s clean as a whistle.

And the restaurant next door

serves a piquant but earthy

risotto pfeffernusse.

(Kissing)

So, that’s good news, right?

You proved your sister and your

grandma wrong.

But you don’t look too thrilled.

Don’t be ridiculous.

It’d be selfish of me not to be

happy for my dad.

Thanks for meeting me, I really

wanted to get a different female

perspective on this thing.

So, who’ve you been talking

to so far for the female

perspective?

Ace and Goon.

Do you, like, see it yet?

(Laughing)

See what?

Rower’s arm.

You get that little, like, vein

down your bicep.

You’ve been out here, like,

five minutes!

Getting buff takes a long term

commitment.

So, like, what?

I’ve got to do this again

tomorrow?

(Grunting)

So what’s this woman like?

She’s pleasant, friendly.

She’s helpful.

I just got this uneasy feeling

like she’s always--

SPAGNAPelswick!

Looking at me.

She has a good swimming arm

considering she’s carrying

pounds of metal.

You, forgot, this.

Thanks but actually there’s

no room for it in the kayak.

Those non accomodation-ist

boat renting hooligans!

Okay, I’m going to swim back and

give them a piece of my mind.

(Spitting)

So, what do you think?

Nut ball.

Dump her.

Great news.

I, like, found a clinic that can

hook my biceps to powerful

electrodes that’ll exercise them

for me while I sleep.

And there are no side effects

except, you know, you

occasionally, like, punch

yourself in the face.

(Grunting)

Nut ball!

Dump her.

ACEand seconds.

Paper boy leaves paper on front

step.

Paper boy leaves paper on

front step.

Oh.

and seconds a cop taps

on shoulder.

Actually, I don’t see that.

Good evening, officer.

Hi.

Oh Mr. Jimmy.

(Cameras flashing)

MR. JIMMYNo pictures.

Didn’t you hear me?

No pictures!

I’m trying to have a quiet meal

with my family here.

Sorry, paparazzi.

Wasn’t he Pinocchio’s father?

You go somewhere and try to

be a major celebrity in peace

and just be left alone with your

person entourage, and car

washing guy, and person who

carries your phone, and people

just get in your face!

Exactly where are you a

celebrity?

That waiter looked at me

funny.

I should’ve decked him.

Okay, I’m putting two and two

together.

You were an angry tennis player

and now you’re an angry famous

person.

You’re behaving badly!

So if I mouth off to Spagna

she’ll see I’m just an ordinary

kid and stop treating me like...

Like...ah!

Like she’s treating me!

Thanks!

You talking to me?

You must be talking to me

because I don’t see any other

major celebrities here!

Oh, except that shark from Jaws

over at table .

(Grunting)

SPAGNAOh I hope your father

likes these.

Oh, remind me later to give you

a tip on a green friendly bio

tech stock that’s risen

percent in the last five fiscal

quarters.

Hm, thanks, if it’s that good

I might even dump amalgamated

polluters.

Spagna, sweetie, did you

happen to get a chance to pick

up those new walker tips?

Oh, the cheap rubber ones in

the store weren’t good enough

for you.

So I carved these out of

driftwood.

I gave them a themeThe Many

Moods of David Hasselhoff.

See, smiling, frowning, brave,

and um just about to swim.

Holy moly!

Thanks!

Pelswick, could you please

hand me a piece of string, hon?

No, I can’t hand you some

string.

Get it yourself.

BOTHPelswick!

What?

I’m in a bad mood today, I’m a

kid, it happens.

Deal with it.

I am so, so, sorry.

(Coughing)

Huh?

Look at you.

Look at all the things you have

to reach for in your life with

no help from anyone.

I can darn well get that string

for myself.

(Grunting)

Do you need--

No!

No, I can do it, sweetie.

(Grunting)

Oh no, look what I’ve done.

I’ll fetch the mop.

How dare you talk to Spagna

in that tone of voice!

You’ve got a lot of

explaining to do, big brother

and former role model.

Whoa, hey, what happened to

the evil wicked strange woman

and the granny dumpster?

Ooh, that’s a myth.

We were wrong about her.

She’s a considerate, caring,

wonderful young woman.

Better learn to like her,

Pelswick, because I’ve a feeling

that if we’re very very lucky

she’s going to be our new

stepmother!

(Groaning)

No, no!

Darling, are you coming?

You go on ahead while I stay

here and push Pelswick’s little

chest in and out so he doesn’t

have to do his own breathing.

(Panting)

I can breathe by myself!

(Sighing)

Morning, champ.

Hi, Dad.

Listen, about Spagna.

Isn’t she something?

Uh, yeah, Dad, how serious

are you about Spagna?

Well I threw out my mega dirt

boxed set.

(Gasping)

PELSWICKGive me anything!

(Screaming)

Anything you’ve got.

She must’ve abandoned a puppy,

or driven a new car too fast

during the mile break in

period, or tripped a big Charlie

Brown at the Ice Capades, or

something!

Well, actually she once--

Yeah, yeah.

It was probably in a moment

of weakness.

Ooh, weakness, ha ha, great.

We’re all weak sometimes, what’d

she do?

She threw a rare library book

out the window.

Vandalism!

My dad thinks vandals are the

lowest form of human being.

Wait ’til I tell him about this.

I know I shouldn’t ask but why

did she throw a rare book out

the window.

It was on fire.

She saved the library, and

lives.

of them young children.

I ask for dirt and that’s the

best you can come up with?

What kind of detectives are you?

(Panting)

KATEPelswick, we’ve gotta

dump Spagna.

What are you talking about?

I thought you were crazy about

her.

I was blinded by an imminent

stock split but that tip she

gave me went belly up.

She’s a pious jargon spiting

phony!

Hi, little bird.

You like your step mommy bird?

I bet she doesn’t still cut up

your worms for you, huh?

(Honking)

Huh?

For bucks I expect a

magazine the last guy hasn’t

blown his nose in.

I know, throw a fit.

I tried that already and it

didn’t work!

And if you want to entertain

us, try showing a movie that

isn’t older than the pilot!

Okay, I’ll try it again.

Well, dinner was as lovely as

a bowl of uncooked unsweetened

gravel mites can be.

They live between railroad

ties, and eating them has no

impact at all on the world’s

food chain.

I can see why.

I rented us a special movie

about a baseball player who had

no legs.

Oh, Pelswick!

Would you like to watch it with

us so we can profit from your

unique specially abled insights?

Now that you ask I’d rather

slowly pull a super stick

bandaged off a grizzly bear’s

butt.

(Gasping)

I also don’t want to be carried

out to your car so I can see

your honorary handicapped

parking sticker.

And since we’re on the subject

of bad ideas.

Who ever told you you could eat

gravel mites?

That’s just sick!

Pelswick, look I think

perhaps you should apologize to

Spagna.

How dare you?

Quite right, she’s a guest in

our house and--

No, not how dare him.

How dare you!

How dare me?

How dare him?

This is the power of speech

they’re so proud of?

I thought you were an

enlightened father.

But you dare criticize a poor,

helpless, cr*pple child!

(Gasping)

I used the c word!

(Gasping)

Scrub those naughty words away!

(Gargling)

Bad word.

(Spitting)

QUENTINSpagna, I think you

ought to go.

Oh, bad me!

Oh boy, I’m sorry guys.

Look, I know how much you all

liked Spagna but I’m positive

it’s over between us.

Did you ever see anyone who was

so P.C. in all of your life?

KATEWhat a phony!

Her real name’s Linda Smith.

She’s about as multi ethnic as

Hanson.

And hey, it’s okay I converted

back to amalgamated sweat shops

and made a bundle so it’s happy

time in Kate land!

Goodnight.

(Knocking)

Goon?

I found something else about

her.

The soil under the window of the

son of the guy she’s dating,

it’s real soft!

(Grunting)

Maybe not that soft.

♪