01x11 - Near Deaf Experience

[bunniefuu]

[MUSIC AND RUNNING WATER IN BACKGROUND]

♪

- ♪

♪

♪

[HIGH-PITCHED RINGING NOISE]

[MUSIC BECOMES MUFFLED]

[NEAR-SILENCE]

EDDIE: [VOICE] Will you make me
the happiest man in the world?

GWEN: [VOICE] Yes!

EDDIE: [VOICE] Can you please
wear that negligee I bought you?

- Oh, which one?
- I dunno, like the one I ripped off you

last time we boned?

Excuse me, I forgot my, uh... vape.

I mean, what do you suppose I say?

"Hey, Gwen, Eddie's cheating on you?

Eddie's a giant cheating McCheater..."

[GWEN BREATHING EMOTIONALLY]

MAN:
You gonna be on the machine a while?

I'm trying to decide...
[QUIET, INDISTINCT VOICE]

Oh, sorry, I can't hear you.

I'm... I'm deaf.

I take my hearing aids out to work out

so the sweat doesn't k*ll 'em.

[QUIET, INDISTINCT VOICE]

[RINGING NOISE CONTINUES]

[MUFFLED MUSIC]

[DJ BREATHING HEAVILY]

How long... are you gonna be?

I don't know sign language.
I'm sorry, dude.

Wait, you're deaf...

but you don't sign?

[LAUGHS]

That doesn't make sense.

Are you lying to me?

Yeah, heh.

♪

Okay, people...

Our lovely colleague,

the incomparable, the unstoppable,

the one, the only Jen Hauser,

is competing in the Olympics today!

[APPLAUSE]

WAYNE: Yeah,
she continues her epic quest

to see how far she can
throw a giant toothpick.

Wayne! I'm tasking you
with setting up the TV

in the break room.

We can't miss a minute of this,

especially after she worked herself

to near death to get there.

She makes me feel like
I can do anything.

Never let that light die, Keeran.

Light? I think
the word you're looking for is...

Someone broke into my gym locker,

stole all my possessions,
including my hearing aids,

my back-up hearing aids,
and my post-workout banana

- I was really looking forward to!
- CYNTHIA: Oh!

I feel naked without my hearing aids.

And my clothes.

This is my nightmare, guys.

Even with lip-reading,
I'm gonna catch maybe 15%

of what you guys are saying.

- Can't you just...
- [RINGING NOISE]

- [QUIET, INDISTINCT VOICE]
- _

Did you say "home"? "Go home"?

'Cause yeah, no, I can't do that.

My keys were in my bag, too, so...

Uh, yes, Keeran?

- [QUIET, INDISTINCT VOICE]
- _

Didn't catch that,
but it's about the body hair, yeah?

_

Yeah, I know. It's a lot.

NAT: Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.

Why did I just see Sasquatch here

running down the street in a towel?

- DJ was robbed!
- Nat, I've been robbed!

Maybe you can track 'em down,
get my stolen stuff,

since you got a car
and so much free time.

Espionage?

That's my middle name.

[QUIET, INDISTINCT VOICE]

_

_

[RINGING NOISE CONTINUES]

- [QUIET, INDISTINCT VOICE]
- _

- I'm on it.
- Are you tracking me?

Where'd you get that photo?

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Baby bro...

_

_

Did she just call me baby bro?
I'm older than her...

Shh, shh, shh! Baby bro, let's go...

get you some clothes
from the lost and found.

♪

DJ:
Stupid things are giving me a wedgie.

I don't wanna hear it.

Which works out great, since I can't.

CUSTOMER: Um...

- [QUIET, INDISTINCT VOICE]
- _

_

Uh, uh...

CUSTOMER: Thanks.

DJ: Thanks for shopping
at One More Time. [NERVOUS LAUGH]

Dude, I suck at being deaf,
like "deaf" deaf.

I can't help customers.

I can barely communicate with my team.

I really needed to talk to Gwen today

and there's no way in
hell I'm doing that now.

_

_

It was a hard enough conversation

without the whole being
deaf as sh*t thrown in.

_

I need to... clean my hair?

"Clean my hair"? There's no way.

Clear... Clear the air!

Clear the air. Yeah! Woo! Nice.

[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING IN BAR]

[RINGING NOISE]

MAN: Excuse me. Excuse me!

[RINGING NOISE]

Hello?

_

[COUNTRY MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]

ANNOUNCER:
[TV] It was a tough year for...

CYNTHIA: Hey, what are you guys doing?

KEERAN: Wayne's writing "Go, Jen, go!"
on my face.

Oh, great team spirit!

Ah, she should be up any minute.

I hope so.
I've been watching athlete interviews

for the last hour.

"Oh, I overcame Crohn's and
raised 10k for the cause!"

Ugh, get a job.

An hour?

You know you're still
on the clock, right?

Here you go. All done, Keeran.

Go, Jen, go!

- Ugh! Go clean your face.
- No, no, she's up.

ANNOUNCER: And there's Canada's
underdog, Jen Hauser,

warming up before her
first of three throws.

You can see the look of stern
determination on her face,

or is it... oh, no! Oh, dear...

- What's happening?
- ANNOUNCER: She seems to be coughing.

- No, gagging!
- [LOUD GULP]

ANNOUNCER: She's taking a sip
of an energy drink, though.

All better!

No, not all better!

Jen Hauser of team Canada
has spewed what appears

to be chunky vomit all over the field...

Wait...

ANNOUNCER: and it's still coming!

Are those penises on my face?!

WAYNE: Yeah.

DJ: Eddie... Hey.

Uh, I actually don't have my...

[DOOR SHUTS]

I'm such a mess, bro.

Can you believe that...

- [QUIET, INDISTINCT VOICE]
- _

[RINGING NOISE]

_

_

Eddie, I can't hear you.
I lost my hearing aids.

I'm getting a little bit by lip-reading,
that's all.

[PHONE BUZZING]

Uh...

Hello?

_

I cannot wait to, uh,
put the lien on the home.

Uh, hang on a sec.

Hey, DJ, can you really not hear?

[RINGING NOISE]

Okay...

Anyway, baby, when I said "lien,"
I meant "peen,"

as in penis, and... Oh, you got that?

[RINGING NOISE]

_

Burger Sheikh's your client?

[CLEARS THROAT] Really great guy.

Eddie, listen...

- You should know, at the bar I heard...
- [SNAPS] DJ...

when I find the person who told Gwen...

- [QUIET, INDISTINCT VOICE]
- _

EDDIE: Yeah.

Just to be clear,
did you say when you find out

who told Gwen you're gonna...
you're gonna k*ll them?

_

CHRIS: It's really about
personal preference and comfort.

- You know?
- Chris, please tell me...

sorry to interrupt; I'm deaf.

Chris,
please tell me you didn't tell anyone

that I told Gwen that
Eddie was cheating on her.

_

[SIGHS] Good.

'Cause Eddie told me he's
gonna k*ll whoever told Gwen.

_

What? Why?

[RINGING NOISE CONTINUES]

DJ: "Drove to airport. Lull in convo."

No...

Did you call
'cause you saw me vomit on TV?

You vomited on TV...?

I mean, yes,
that's exactly why I'm calling.

Are you okay?

- Yeah...
- [CROWD CHEERING OUTSIDE]

I'm, uh... feeling the pressure.

Either that or the...

[RETCHING] man drink...

Well, if anyone can overcome...
all that...

it's Jen Hauser!

You got this.

We're all behind you.

While I have you,
did you happen to tell anyone

about the whole Eddie cheating thing,

and specifically that I told Gwen?

[VOICE BREAKING UP] I didn't...
con... I'm not...

you know, huh?

CHRIS: [CHOPPY VOICE] We got...
bad connection.

Jen, just write in the
chat if you told anyone.

Please, this is important.
It's a matter of life or death.

Cynthia...?

Dammit.

- Why?
- _

These lulls are killin' me!

Damn. Eddie's gonna gut you like a pig

and mount your head like a moose.

ANNOUNCER:
[TV] Up next is Canada's Jen Hauser.

Hope she's recovered after
that harrowing warm-up.

- This is her first of three throws.
- Come on, Hauser!

- Let's do it!
- Wow, Wayne,

surprisingly supportive.

Oh, yeah.
Gimme a trip, a slip, a rotator rip.

Something, you know?

One fail was great, but two fails?

Ooh, that would bring tears to my eyes!

And ears to my podcast.

ANNOUNCER: Hauser's in place
preparing to throw, and...

What's this? Oh, dear... oh, no!

An errant toss from the discus
field is heading her way!

- Dear God, Hauser, move!
- Move... move!

ANNOUNCER: For the love of God,
Canada's Jen Hauser, move!

- [LOUD THWACK]
- [JEN GRUNTS]

[ALL GASP]

ANNOUNCER:
Jen Hauser does not complete her throw.

We'll be back after
this commercial break.

Okay, I didn't want that.

Hello? The Olympics?

Uh, connect me
to the medic tent, please.

Cynthia, I need your help!

Eddie said he's gonna
k*ll whoever told Gwen.

That's me.

And Chris told Jen, and Jen told you,

so I need to know exactly who you told.

Oh, boy.

It is always the nice guys who commit...

- [QUIET, INDISTINCT VOICE]
- _

What I got from that, I didn't like.

CHRIS: Uh, I'm out of ink.

I'll get another marker
and be right back.

CYNTHIA: Oh...

This is super important.
Cynthia, please.

[QUIET, INDISTINCT VOICE]

Oh, oh, oh!

Charades?

Book.

Dan brown book club! Uh, Bible study?

Church group. Church group!
You told your church group!

_

I know. My whole life
is a game of charades.

- CYNTHIA: Fair enough.
- All good!

Let's get outta here.
Cynthia, please text Chris the address.

CYNTHIA: Okay.

♪

Hi. So sorry to interrupt,

but we're on a bit of
a goose chase here.

Our co-worker let a story
slip about a guy named Eddie

and a guy named DJ and a gal named Gwen.

Does this ring any bells?

And if so, did you repeat it to anyone?

Especially the DJ part.

The Eddie fellow who
cheated on his fiancee.

[RINGING NOISE]

- [QUIET, INDISTINCT VOICES]
- _

[RINGING NOISE AND
INDISTINCT VOICES CONTINUE]

_

WOMAN: Yes, I told my son.

[RINGING NOISE]

_

[IN SLOW-MO] God... damn... it.

I'm so sorry.

Gosh darn it.

[SPY MUSIC]

♪

Natalie Espionage James,
you've done it again.

[LINE RINGING]

Cynthia, I just tracked DJ's
phone to a bar off Caven.

I see four leather daddies.
I'm goin' in.

Caven?!

That is the clubhouse
for Beelzebub's brethren!

- Kinky.
- Not kinky!

Well, actually, a little bit kinky.

They are the third-most violent
g*ng in southwestern Ontario!

Okay, hell no. There's no way.

DJ can just do, like,
a fundraiser or something

for new hearing aids,
'cause I'm not risking my life

for that twat waffle, so... [CHUCKLES]

Good, good choice, Nat. Play it... safe.

Safe, safe, safe, safe!

Of course,
you used to be able to sneak in and out

through the window with the red curtains

and the broken latch.

It's around the corner
from the blue door, but...

that took some real steel lady balls.

- [LOUD CRUNCH]
- Go on...

If you did go in,
you would get past the guard,

Little Petey, no problem.

He is always napping on the job.

You can't miss him.
Giant sleep apnea machine.

Next, you'd pass Sweet Rita.

She is a real battle axe.

Tell her that you are "the Mailman."

That's code for "a friend of the g*ng."

What about the real Mailman?

He is "a friend of the g*ng."

If they spot you,
you text me, "chirp, chirp!"

And I will find you.

Hey, Cynthia?

Is it worth it?

[SIGHS] If not for the thrill alone,
I mean...

Woo!

NAT: If I don't make it back,

promise me you'll tell DJ that...

[SIGHS] I know I'm
hard on him sometimes,

but it's only because...

he genuinely annoys me.

[SNIFFLES] I will tell him!

Well, well, well!

If it isn't the Korverton ca...

- [QUIET, INDISTINCT VOICE]
- _

...cutoffs!

I... I'm sure
this is a top-notch insult,

but I lost my hearing aids.

I have no idea what
you're saying right now.

Damn! You're capital-D deaf?

Yo, gimme that.

DJ: Ca... py... bara...

Korverton capybara?

- Okay.
- No bueno?

I mean, it's not your best work,

but I appreciate you accommodating me.

Listen, I need to know:

Did you tell anyone that I
told Gwen about Eddie cheating?

[RINGING NOISE]

- [QUIET, INDISTINCT VOICE]
- _

- You didn't tell anyone?
- No.

No one?

Thank God!

Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Oh! Oh...

Oh... muah!

I'm not gettin' m*rder*d today!

Oh, thank God! Oh...

Get off of me!

I value loyalty above everything.

That's why I despise you!

And that snake in the grass, Chris.

You fired me!

Oh, look who decided to show up!

Chrissy wissy p*ssy pants!

Huh?!

I didn't catch any of that.

[CLIPBOARD SNAPS]

Okay.

So you wanna trade in... bras?

Huh?

No, sport...
these are sports bras, okay?

These are painful reminders
of how much I love Gwen.

I can't even bear the
sight of these things.

- Oh... oh!
- No, no, how did that get in there?

Ahh, that's...
that's my sister's, so, uh...

I think I should run this by DJ.

No, no, he's good, man.
We're bros, okay?

Why don't you ask him?

DJ: Man, today was rough...

Hey, DJ?

But I think I managed pretty well.

KEERAN: Hey, hey, DJ!

With a little help from my friends,
of course.

- KEERAN: DJ, DJ...!
- And my enemies.

- KEERAN: DJ...!
- Carlito's commitment

to accessibility is commendable.

Ah, hey, DJ!

- [QUIET, INDISTINCT VOICE]
- _

Yeah, yeah... heh. Good job, Keeran!

EDDIE: That's what I'm talkin' about.

Vape bros for life.

I love you.

Yo, Cynth! I got the hearing aids.

Oh... Boom!

Madame Mailman here
infiltrated the g*ng.

It turns out it was a
drug deal gone wrong.

They just hit up the wrong locker.

Almost made it out,
but then I got made by Sweet Rita,

and I just bolted.

Jumped in my car, gunned it here, and...

Damn, what a rush! [LAUGHS]

You are a natural.

Thank you.

By the way, I got some sad news.

Uh, Little Petey,

he's been dead now for 14 years.

d*ed in his sleep.

Oh, sleep apnea?

m*rder*d.

Pretty brutally. [CLICKS TONGUE]

DJ!

NAT: Deej! Deej!

DJ! DJ! Deej!

Ugh, God.

- DJ!
- Don't...!

Oh! Ow!

[ENUNCIATING] Bag!

Nat! Thank you!

NAT: Everything's in there.

Hearing aids, back-up hearing aids.

My post-workout banan...

Sure, your banana's in there, too.

Those bastards...

Your weird listening device thingy.

[QUIETLY] Listening device...?

EDDIE: [VOICE] Wear that
negligee I bought you, please!

Which one?

EDDIE: I dunno, the one I ripped off you

last time we boned?

Excuse me, I forgot my, uh...

vape. [ECHOING VOICE] Vape, vape...

Hang on one second.

God, I missed you, Simon.

You too, Garfunkel!

Muah, muah, muah!

EDDIE: Were you spying on me?

Deej, do you even vape, bro?

[RINGING NOISE]

Five, four, three...

[QUIET, INDISTINCT VOICE]

[HUMMING]

[QUIET, INDISTINCT VOICE]

And we're back!

[LOUD THWACK, ALL GASP]

[DJ FALLS TO FLOOR]

CHRIS: Come on, man, wake up!

- KEERAN: DJ, say something!
- CHRIS: DJ, DJ!

CYNTHIA: DJ!

EDDIE: Guys,
he can't even hear good, okay?

- GWEN: DJ!
- Am I... in heaven?

- [HARP MUSIC]
- Are you okay?

- CYNTHIA: Gotcha.
- CHRIS: Take your time.

EDDIE: Babe...
are you really gonna believe

what some deaf dude heard over me?

That's like taking an eyewitness
account from Stevie Wonder!

DJ: Gwen, you gotta believe me.
I know what I heard.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

Wow, I've never actually
said that before.

You should have stayed down...

NAT: Hey! Get over here!

Ohh! Ow, ow, ow!

I got him, Deej!
Take a free sh*t while you can!

Nat, you always do this. I had him.

- I was just about to...
- DJ?

I believe you.

EDDIE: Babe!

Babe, come on, it's me.

It's your Eddie Teddy.

Come on...!

This is bullshit.

GWEN: No, Eddie, this is bullshit!

He's in here.

I went through your contacts.

And I texted Burger Sheikh, Serrano's,

Taco Chime, and Ethos.

Got your usual.

Why do you have the
Ethos guy's number saved?

Because it is delicious!

Anyway, babe, baby, bb, boo boo...

Stan... Hear me out, okay?

You told me I was your one and only.

Yes, I know, I know...

But you've been eating
out all over town!

WOMAN:
You told me I was saved as Taco Chime

because my hoo-ha made
your d*ck go dong!

EDDIE: Yes! It does, baby!
I promise you, I just...

Not totally, but, like,
I can explain everything.

- You are going to pay for this!
- Okay...

We're gonna make you pay for this!

ETHOS GUY:
Someone's gotta pay for this...

EDDIE: You know I'm sorry
to drag you into this, Stan!

Gwen, I... uh...

[BOTH SIGH]

Do you wanna...

WAYNE: I think Jen's about to throw.

Come quick! Come quick, come on!

KEERAN: Hey, Wayne, what's a hoo-ha?

WAYNE: So innocent.

I've been watching inside
the medic tent updates,

and after two painful hours they
finally cleared her to throw.

CYNTHIA: Oh,
thank God she is not badly injured,

but you really should be working!

I will! She's up, she's up.

ANNOUNCER: [TV] This Canadian
hopeful just won't stay down,

but I guess nothing else could
possibly go wrong, right?

Although that distant storm
cloud does look ominous.

Anyway, Hauser steps up,

lifting her javelin with determination,

high into the air,
an aluminum rod held aloft,

a steely beam pointed to the skies!

[THUNDER CRASHES]

WAYNE: Oh!

[ZAPPING SOUND AND JEN GROANING]

[BODY HITS GROUND]

ANNOUNCER:
A devastating blow for team Canada.

- Is Jen... dead?
- Oh...

ANNOUNCER: But wait!

Ah!

ANNOUNCER: Jen Hauser is
rising up like the undertaker

and stumbling over to her javelin!

Oh, good heavens!

DJ: Fancy running... after you here.

[GWEN CHUCKLES]

DJ: May I?

GWEN: Yeah.

[SNIFFLES]

Ah!

I'm sorry I blurted out
about Eddie cheating,

all 75 times.

I wasn't trying to hide it from you.

I debated it, but only
'cause I didn't want to hurt you.

You're not the one who hurt me.

I can't believe I didn't see the signs.

I feel so stupid.

No, no, you're not stupid.

And if it makes you feel any better,

you're talking to the guy who
ran through several playgrounds

in just a towel this morning.

[LAUGHS] What kind of towel?

What kind of towel would make it okay?

None.

That does make me feel better.

Hey, didn't you get
all your clothes back?

How come you're still rockin' the jorts?

This is who I am now.

Ah. [CHUCKLES]

ANNOUNCER: In a stunning turn of events,

Jen Hauser is quite
literally back from the dead,

and incredibly,
cleared to throw by the doctor.

What kind of doctor, you ask?

Don't.

- Probably a naturopath.
- Western medicine.

ANNOUNCER: Here she goes for
her third and final throw.

Hauser lets go of the
javelin and it flies...

Whoa, is that...?

- DJ: Go, Jen, go!
- ANNOUNCER: Yes, it is!

Hauser has just thrown 65.73 metres,

edging out Latvia by a hair!

That's right, despite food poisoning,

a severe concussion,
and a smiting from God himself,

Jen Hauser from Canada places
second at the Olympic games.

- [ALL CHEERING]
- Oh my God!

[ALL EXCLAIMING EXCITEDLY]

That's almost first!

CYNTHIA: She did it!

I mean, it almost k*lled her,

but Jen achieved her Olympic dream!

GWEN: Incredible.

I wonder when we'll ever see her again.

Tuesday. She's in at noon.

Yeah, she took my shift.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪