Tribal (2023)

[bunniefuu]

[dramatic

middle eastern stringer]

[high-pitched ringing]

WADE: Yeah,

we're going into Baghdad.

We're gonna take Baghdad.

The Army had been engaging

on the west side of the city.

They had

dropped some paratroopers

into the,

I think Baghdad airport.

So they had a foothold there.

But we were gonna come in

from the east and because 24

hours prior to that,

Intel had seen, or there had

been a public appearance of

S*ddam Hussein with the crowds.

And there's footage of this.

I remember

watching footage later

on in years later afterwards.

It was like, oh,

timeline connected it.

He'd done his first, like,

outside of this famous mosque,

the rally is

Citizens and then taken off.

And that was the last known

place where the-- so we were

going to these palaces that had

been bombed to look for him.

[dramatic middle eastern music]

WADE: We came in from

the west side of the city.

And soon as

we got on the outside

the enemy,

the Fedayeen Troopers,

the Fedayeen were

these guys in black pajamas.

They were, you know,

Iraqis trained sort of

like paramilitary guys.

They blew up a oil tanker

to sort of try and get us,

but also to like,

sort of mark to the city,

"Hey, US is

in this side of the city."

And as soon as that thing went

on, it was like World w*r III.

I mean, I was in the back

of a high back Humvee 'cause

what it was me and

a couple other 51 that had

been making expl*sive

breach charges to blow doors

because we were like,

we're gonna hit a pallet.

We're gonna

have some big heavy doors.

We gotta blow some doors.

And so while we're

driving into the city before

we got to the actual city,

we were making expl*sive charges

in the back of a Humvee

with lights on our heads and

bumpy traffic,

you know, movements.

And then as soon as,

like, the sh**ting started,

we lift up the-- 'cause

we were in a clear sight.

It was like little

canvas-backed Humvee.

We open up the side

thing so we can see.

And I had my

night vision 7-Bravos on,

which is like

a monocle that covers both eyes.

So it's really bad.

You don't get depth

of perception or nothing.

And you just see all

of our IR lasers from

everybody's r*fles

pointing everywhere.

And then you see all

the sh*ts going and the tracers.

- [g*nf*re]

- WADE: It was like, intense.

- [g*nf*re]

- [tense music]

[indistinct shouting]

WADE: And what happened

was we got into the city and

the Abrams, I guess

leading the way got lost.

And we had to go back

through another, like,

we called it the gauntlet

because it was intense.

I mean, there was guys left,

right, center, above,

below sh**ting at us,

the whole battalion.

It was like a sh**ting

gallery for these guys.

And they just--

our battalion loved it so much

we went back through

it again because we had

to take another turn

to get to this palace.

Later on,

I think [indistinct] palace.

We came in the green zone,

and I think it actually was in

another documentary

called Gunner's Palace,

I think, from the video--

from the footage of that one.

I think I could say, yeah,

that's the same palace we hit.

MAN: All right,

let's go get ready.

- Go ahead.

- WADE: We fight.

And you know,

that fight starts probably

like three, four in

the morning or something.

I can't remember.

But we fight and we

finally get to the palaces

a few hours later

after taking casualties.

I know Alpha company lost

Gunner Sergeant Bori got sh*t in

the Humvee in the head,

and he was k*lled.

Then, you know,

everybody, every company took

casualties,

guys got sh*t in the back

of the AAVs,

RPGs were hit, and Humvees.

MAN: We just had

an RPG impact right next to us.

[g*nf*re]

Miraculously nothing,

you know, hit us. I mean,

my buddy's Humvee got hit

with a RPG and went through

the driver's window and hit

the driver's windshield and

blew out the windshield forward.

And it had hit like

his ISO mat or sleeping mat.

'Cause he had had it on

the side of this like thing.

And that ricocheted saved

I think a lot of people's lives.

It was just like crazy

stories like that happened.

MAN: Stay back, stay back.

We're good. Good.

One guy, one of the 81s

platoon sergeants, he got sh*t.

He was wearing

a tanker's helmet 'cause had

to be audio into the AAV.

And he got sh*t.

And the b*llet literally

skipped over his head and went

out the other side.

He had like

the burn mark from it.

And you could see

like the Kevlar helmet.

You could see

the scratch mark from where

the b*llet

just went out that way.

Couldn't believe it.

You know,

like there

was stories like that.

And we got to the palace

and we breached inside,

got inside the palace,

it was abandoned.

We had JDAM it weeks prior.

Wasn't much into it.

But as soon as we got in there,

then the Fedayeen tried

to-- they were really

attacking position then.

And the mosque

was still a block away.

And that was Alpha

company's objective,

was to go clear the mosques

to make sure he wasn't there,

which I don't think

he was gonna be there.

So they go and as

they're attacking the mosques,

you know, the Fedayeen

really just poured on us.

They're trying to overrun.

But we had eight tens

come and sh**t their g*n on

the streets,

which was really cool to see.

[imitates g*nf*re, laughing]

Just stopped right there.

[dramatic music]

WADE: And since we have weapons

that we can hop frequencies and

get on like the Aircom channels,

but you'd see it and you'd

see it coming and lining up.

And then you'd see it literally

see the cloud of smoke.

And then you'd see

the jet literally slowdown

in space and in the air.

And then you just hear

the [imitates g*nf*re] of

the actual g*n we got going.

That sh*t tore those boys up.

I mean, that g*n is a badass.

It's a badass g*n,

badass w*apon.

Having that come in,

you were like phew!

And then I remember we,

you know, 'cause we had

invaded this palace,

so there was ten, 12-foot walls

that we were sort of behind,

but we were getting on positions

on palace roofs and

stuff like that to get eyes on

the alleyways and the roads

to fight these guys off.

And I remember

we had a Chinook come in.

Our FACA called in a Chinook to

get casualties and prisoners out

and also drop off amm*nit*on and

medicine and stuff like that.

So I remember it came

down and it was like small

courtyard because

all the explo-- like

from the JDAM there

was like a lot of debris.

And it like had

its tail down, basically.

Picked up the casualties,

picked out some box of a*mo.

And then

I remember it getting up,

and then I see RPGs fly by it.

You're like, whew,

that could've been dangerous.

Like if Chinook go down that's

the most vulnerable position.

Once it gets to like

that it's going down.

But yeah, so the pilot

took a face maneuvers.

I think they loaded up

Gunny Bore's body on that one.

But yeah, you know,

we had a good firefight.

A good firefight that morning

into the early, you know,

afternoon things sort of quieted

down and started doing patrols.

And we started, you know,

fortifying our position.

[high-pitched ringing]

[dramatic middle eastern music]



[music fades]

JOHN: I didn't

have a lot of direction.

I graduated high school.

Of course,

a lot of the really good

friends I have from back then,

I still have now.

But it was a lot of just getting

up every day, going to work.

I worked at a jail

before I joined the Army.

I went to

college the first time.

And like a lot of

people that joined the m*llitary,

we weren't-- I wasn't

mentally prepared or,

you know, emotionally prepared.

I was still a little, just

a little juvenile in actions.

But it was like everybody else.

You're just kinda ignorant

to anything you're gonna

go through whenever

you get in the m*llitary.

So it was just living life

every day, like I said, going to

work and playing with friends,

hanging out, seeing family.

WADE: You know,

just typical suburban life.

Played baseball as a kid,

you know, sports,

had my brothers

ran in the neighborhood,

got in trouble, you know,

all the usual, all usual things.

And then, you know,

around middle school and high

school started exploring

more and doing things my way.

And I always knew I was gonna

join the Marines, you know.

Young in high school I knew

I wasn't ready for college.

I didn't have the maturity,

if that's

possible to think like that.

I don't know.

I just knew it wasn't for me.

And so the Marine Corps

for me early on was something

I wanted to do at least.

And, you know, having my father

serve in Vietnam as a pilot in

the Air Force, he wasn't too

keen on me being in the Marines.

'Cause his last tour of duty

he was repatriating the remains

of servicemen to Dover,

Delaware from Vietnam.

And so he definitely didn't want

me be in the Marines, but...

OMAR: I guess

I was just a normal

mischievous kid,

you know, liked to explore.

I know we went

fishing quite a bit.

Went down to the river and just

had fun as much as we could.

We didn't have a lot of money.

So whenever those

times came that we were able

to get out,

you know, we made the best.

It's just gonna sound

silly and posterous I guess

but just watching Rambo

and Predatorand stuff

like that made me wanna join.

We had various engagements

then on my third deployment.

This was during

the surge of 2006, 2007.

And my unit was sent to Baghdad.

On that deployment,

I earned a silver star

and my first purple heart.

MAN: Oh, damn!

[indistinct shouting]

[g*nf*re]

OMAR: We were

out on a joint patrol

with the Iraqi national police.

And I was in charge

of a small team of INPs.

[camera shutter]

So we were set

up on like at a T intersection.

The enemy

was behind us roughly 100,

200 meters if that.

And as we were

setting in,

we started

receiving fire from the rear.

And I was sh*t.

I was sh*t in my right thigh.

And then two of my

men were sh*t as well.

[g*nf*re]

I didn't realize

they were sh*t until I moved to

cover behind those walls

that I was instructing the INPs

to return fire when I noticed

that I was missing two of them.

I returned some fire

to kinda like keep the bad

guys' heads down 'cause

they were still getting sh*t at.

And I ran out and I dragged

one of 'em, one of the INPs,

and I went back out there

and was still getting sh*t at.

I picked up the other

guy and carried him.

And I put him behind the wall

returned some more fire.

And my squad leader

finally got to me and

was trying to patch my leg up.

Though I was

sh*t and just bleeding,

like, just drenched in blood.

But, again, I wanted to

make sure my guys were good.

They did have multiple sh*ts.

One guy was sh*t in

his back and in his arm.

The other guy was sh*t

in his belly and his leg.

Everything was slow motion.

Everything was slow motion.

And, you know, the guys

that saw what I did were like,

"Dude, you were,

you know, moving so fast.

And it looked like

we were watching a movie."

And me, I felt like

I wasn't moving fast at all.

Like I had

sandbags weighing me down.

But my guys weren't

heavy when I picked them

up or when I dragged them.

But I felt heavy.

I couldn't tell

you what I was thinking.

It was just

get to them, you know,

get to them and bring them home.

And a lot of people,

you know, would tell me

like, "Dude,

like, why'd you do that?

You're crazy. Those

guys aren't American."

But they were fighting.

They've been fighting

beside us for a few months.

And, you know,

you get to know people.

You eat with 'em,

you sleep with 'em, you know,

you sweat with 'em,

you bleed with them.

And it doesn't matter

if they were Americans or

from Mars or whatever.

They were my guys.

[soft pensive music]

On my second deployment,

something very,

very significant did happen.

I received my citizenship,

so I accomplished the mission

that I initially set

off for and becoming a citizen

and earning my citizenship.

And of all places,

I received my citizenship in

Iraq, in Baghdad, in one

of S*ddam Hussein's palaces.

And yeah, it was awesome.

So initially on my first

deployment, my resident alien

card had expired and

the guys would mess with me,

like, "Dude,

you're gonna get deported.

Instead of going home,

you're gonna go to Mexico."

And I was freaked out 'cause

I didn't know anybody in Mexico.

You know, all my family's here.

And we tried the process

for the citizenship.

And then before

my second deployment,

I had taken

the picture and everything.

And during--

If I'm not mistaken,

like we were coming back from

a mission and I found

out that I had to go to

Baghdad to

receive my citizenship.



OMAR: So they

had an actual ceremony.

I wanna say it was over,

maybe over 300 people.

It was quite a bit.

Quite a few folks.

It was just awesome.

'Cause President Bush

gave a speech to us.

And I just

felt like I've done it.

[high-pitched ringing]

The day that I was

injured... [sighs]

we had aerosoled out

around two o'clock at night.

We rode in a Chinook

out to the middle of nowhere,

into a valley,

and walked for a couple

hours to set up on a coot.

We were out on a mission, it was

called Operation Shark att*ck.

It was gonna

last like a week or so.

And it was not

long after Bergdahl had

gone missing in '09.

I think,

by the way, a crow flies.

We were 20 miles or so,

I think away from the FOB

that he was--

that he absconded from.

But we were out to search

every coot, house,

tent, nomad, whatever.

Everything that we came

across for any kind of intel

w*apon or whatever.

It may not have

been strictly related to

Bergdahl through

the private network,

but the higher OPs knew

a little bit more about that.

So we were aerosoled out,

slept in a ditch that night.

It was the first time I had

legitimately slept in a ditch.

We woke up, had a brief

firefight that morning,

and then made it to the first

coot, searched the entire coot.

And we were there for

about two hours too long.

As soon as our fighter

pilots checked off station,

we came under fire.

And as soon as

we started receiving fire,

I rolled onto all

fours from the sitter position.

And an RPG landed under my face.

[loud blast]

[dramatic music]

JOHN: You know, I got really

lucky, to say the least.

I caught the spinoff

of the shrapnel and

the expl*si*n kinda

gave me a brain injury.

But, you know, I was conscious

through pretty well all of it.

Got to run

out to the bird after.

And if I got

to meet the Medevac pilot,

I'd love to shake his hand.

'Cause he landed

under heavy enemy fire.

It was a little

while after I was hit

that set against

the wall for a while.

The first medic that got to me,

Lauren Pearson,

later Lauren Haskins,

she made it to me,

took care of me until

the Medevac Bird got there.

We actually lost her,

I think, three or four

years after our deployment

where demons kinda

got the better of her.

And, yeah, Lieutenant Lyon

ran me out to the bird.

He tried to

get me to be carried off,

and I said that I'm not being

carried off, I'm running off.

So he picked me up,

put my arm around his shoulder,

and we ran out to

the bird and got to take

off like an episode

of M#A#S#H.

It was great.

[helicopter whirring]



Yeah. So I had my M4 sitting

next to me on the bipod.

I had just eaten my

first MRE in two or three days.

It was just, we were so

burnt out on MREs that I mean,

I lost close to 80

pounds on deployment, at least.

It was pretty great,

great for myself.

But the moment

that we came under fire,

kinda like the first firefight,

you just take cover.

So I rolled onto all fours.

And as soon as the RPG

hit it was just black,

I was able to stand up.

And as the lights

started coming back,

I could see some dust and blood

pouring over, like a bad movie.

So I knew something was wrong.

And my buddy Kat Nao was

on the exact opposite side of

me from where I was,

where the RPG impacted.

Thankfully, he got a few

small lacerations to his arm.

Years later,

I found out that he actually

rode the Medevac

helicopter with me.

I didn't tie two and

two together until I got

to take my

Lieutenant deer hunting

years ago and really

recap on what happened.

But I could

see the blood coming over,

made it over

to the wall called for medic.

My buddies got

the medic down there to me.

And she covered up my

face with some gauze,

was, you know, just tending

to me as Lieutenant Lyon,

just, you know, our hero.

He was running back

and forth directing fire

from three squads.

I can't say enough

good things about him.

He kept running by

asking if I had been

hit with morphine yet.

And finally just told

our medic to give me morphine.

And it felt like you hit

the bottom of a roller coaster.

I asked her to

never do it again.

It was-- I didn't really

feel a lot of pain.

My face was lacerated

from side to side from the nose

over to the right

side of the eyebrow.

My eye, we couldn't

tell at the time it had been,

you know,

cut in half a couple muscles.

My tear duct kinda

had shrapnel everywhere.

And then, of course, I had

the bleed on the brain, but all

I could do was feel pressure,

which maybe it was shock,

maybe it was just-- thankfully

I couldn't feel the pain.

But, you know,

and then I just sat there,

listened to my guys, you know,

lay down fire and get after it.

And sat there for a while 'til

medevac was able to come in.

Like I said,

I was able to run out

under my own power

and get on the bird.

And then we made it to

the first medevac station

in FOB Shank

where I was checked out.

Kat Nao actually came in because

I screamed like a little girl

whenever they were checking

me for blood everywhere.

It was kind of funny,

screamed like a little girl,

but it was still,

still pretty bad.

And then,

you know, I was medevaced

all the way

to Bagram for surgery.

I was asked in Shank to call my

folks, tell 'em what happened.

I didn't want to tell 'em.

A month earlier I'd hit an IED

and I didn't

wanna call my parents,

but I had to call my dad.

They made me.

And I told him,

"Hey, Dad, I hit an IED today.

I'm fine. I just missed-- like,

tore some muscles in my chest."

A couple weeks later,

I hit my second IED.

That one wasn't very bad at all.

We were transporting

spaghetti for our third platoon.

We got to go and take showers

for the first time in a month.

And we were bringing

hot shower to the guys.

And when we hit

the IED I was the only

one in the back of that truck.

And it just threw

spaghetti and marinara sauce

or ketchup

in the army everywhere.

So I got out of

that truck and I was covered in,

you know,

ketchup and everything.

But yeah, my second IED I didn't

have to call my folks.

After being injured from

the RPG, they asked me to call

my parents at FOB Shank,

the first medevac station.

I wouldn't do it.

Got to Bagram.

Before they even

talked about doing surgery,

they asked me to call

my parents and I said no.

The third time was

right before I went into

surgery to have my eye removed.

The surgeon came in

and told me I had to call my

parents or they were

gonna call 'em for me.

So I called my dad.

It was two or three

o'clock in the morning in

the United States in the Midwest

and got to wake him up.

Say, "Hey, Dad, it's Michael."

He is like, "Yeah, I know.

What do you want?"

You know, 'cause

I understand he's sleeping.

But yeah, I got to tell him,

"Hey, Dad, I got hit.

Might lose my eye.

They're gonna try and save it."

I had a lengthy argument

with the surgeon, with a few

threats in there

because I'm young and dumb.

And asked him to call

Mom and tell her what happened.

And not long after that,

I think the entire,

you know, my entire hometown

of a thousand people knew,

but went through surgery.

They did take out my eye.

Woke up to a priest

giving me my final rights.

I told him, "Hey, bro,

I'm not done yet." [chuckles]

And then just sat there.

You know,

I'm in Bagram's Hospital.

I can't do anything combat-wise.

I'm not any good to my guys.

And was just

waiting for the next step.

That's where--

Sat there for about a day.

And then we loaded up and

flew to Landstuhl in Germany.

And then long after that,

we flew to the United States

to Walter Reed to

be in the hospital for

almost a year and a half.

Going to appointments,

going through occupational

therapy, rehabbing

for my injuries.

[tense music]

WADE: My platoon commander,

Lieutenant Glover,

was very aggressive

and very interested

in getting into fights.

And I remember one morning we

were in Fallujah,

waking up on the squawk box.

We were kinda like--

Half of us were on awake,

half us were sleeping at night

sort of doing that.

And I remember

he comes to the squawk box,

which is like

little speaker in the NVA.

He's like, "They put

a roadblock up down by

this mosque on Michigan.

We're gonna go pick a fight."

I said, "He just say that?"

He said we're

gonna go pick a fight.

It's like four in the morning,

five in the morning.

Like, ah man, okay.

So we get on the road,

go to Michigan, we push

down to where the mosque is,

and then

the T section is route Violet.

And they create

this little like, I mean,

it's like a couple tires and

a couple obstacles or whatever.

And as soon as we get

down there an RPG flies over

the truck behind us,

this hood blows up.

And then it was game on.

They basically just

tried to ambush us from Violet.

Well, in the Marine Corps,

we're taught,

if you're in ambush,

you push through it or

you take the fight to the enemy.

So we lead g*n truck.

We literally face down

Violet and just gunning down

Violet towards these

people sh**ting at us.

And there's a guy,

Haze, our 50 cal machine

gunner in our truck,

he cut 'em in half.

He was behind a bulldozer

blade sh**ting at us.

And then the rounds--

[imitates shouting, falling]

And then, like,

I realized that we're

in an ambush, like, on Violet.

'Cause I see, like,

I don't think they were

expecting us

to come down as fast.

They were like scrambling to get

behind barriers to sh**t at us.

I remember a guy

with a PKM is, like,

behind these concrete blocks.

And I see him trying

to line up his sh*t and

I start sh**ting him.

I just remember my peripheral

vision seeing RPGs flying over

our hood and like,

and we're gunning it.

And then

you hear the squad like,

"Turn around, g*n one,

turn around, g*n one."

Me, Peter,

was our driver,

when we took

that turn onto Violet,

we're pushing down,

he'd gotten sh*t.

We didn't know what happened.

He's like, "Ah, my ass hurts.

My ass hurts." And we're like,

"Just keep driving.

Keep driving."

And he's like, "It's on fire.

Is anything on fire?

Am I on fire?"

I'm like, "You're

not on fire, dude."

'Cause I'm back right.

And I see that he's got

blood on his ass.

I'm like, "You got sh*t.

It must have been

through the firewall.

You're fine. It's not

like spurting or anything.

Just sit on it. You'll be fine."

But like then that squawk box

was like, "g*n one turn around.

g*n one turn around."

And he's like,

"Turn the f*ck around.

Turn the f*ck around."

And I remember this, like,

almost like a-- it had to

be from like Hollywood movie.

I remember we turned

around and you see the whole

platoon up on route Michigan.

We were the only truck

that had gone down Violet

to fight with these guys.

And then I remember turning

around RPG smack in the road

in front of us and some of

the guys in the other g*n trucks

and the other trucks were like,

"Dude, I just remember you guys

disappearing behind

clouds were like RPG explosions.

And then

driving through it, like,

it was like a Hollywood movie."

Like us coming through

the smoke clearing

still in one tack,

you know, like in one piece.

And we're just, you know,

f*ring our way down Violet.

And so we link back up

with a platoon on Michigan and

the platoon

commander's like, "Hey--"

Glover's like, "Hey,

we're gonna call for tanks.

We're gonna go

down there and clear it.

Don't do that again."

[laughing]

And so he calls up

tanks and tanks come up finally.

They're so slow.

And they're like, so...

I'm like,

"You guys are an armored t*nk.

We have nothing

here and we're fighting."

We call the tanks up.

And then we start pushing down.

And now what's gonna

happen is we were, you know,

we were on this side

of the city in Fallujah.

We had now taken up to Michigan

and now we had to clear West.

So Alpha and Bravo

company now had to start

clearing west of all

the ground we had just

taken on Michigan so

our flank wasn't exposed.

And so they start clearing

and we push down Violet to do

a blocking

position to hold Violet.

And it's pretty kinetic.

There's fighting,

our tanks are sh**ting

its main cannon,

and stuff like that.

[loud blast]

WADE: And we're like,

"Hey, [indistinct].

He-- you know,

he's good for now.

He's sitting on the wound,

but he'll need to be medevac'd."

So we hold the line for

like maybe an hour or two before

Alpha and Bravo come

we can finish clearing

all the buildings

that are south of us...

[g*nf*re]

...of bad guys so they can take

this now new position.

And that's our,

you know, line of--

anybody in front of that,

bad guys. k*ll 'em.

MAN: All right, let's

watch each other's back, baby.

Watch each other's back.

- Go! Go!

- [indistinct shouting]

Roof is clear.

We got roof.

WADE: Yeah,

that was a crazy day.

It got pretty kinetic

real fast.

[pensive music]

OMAR: So later on that day,

we made another movement.

And that's

whenever I got injured.

My w*apon squad

leader was sh*t in the head.

[g*nf*re]

And I went to

try and retrieve him so that my

medic and I can work

on him and I can call it in.

And as I was dragging him,

the ground

collapsed underneath us.

And we fell roughly 50, 60 foot

into a [indistinct]

into a hole.



You couldn't tell

there was anything there.

Like it was covered up,

camouflaged so, so good.

So good even

that the w*apon squad

was posted

up almost on top of it.

And there was a small

little berm that I wanted

to get my w*apon squad

leader behind so it could

provide us some sort

of cover or something.

'Cause there were

still rounds coming in.

And as I was dragging him,

I can remember, like,

the rounds coming in

around us like a cookie cutter.

They were just

landing around us,

but not hitting us,

thank God.

And I remember that there

was another guy that was sh*t

as well, through the femur.

And again, it was three injured.

I think I remember

exactly what I was thinking.

I was thinking like,

man, it's gonna be, you know,

booby traps, it's

gonna be some punchy sticks.

[exhales]

And everything with

me seems like forever, right?

Like when we fell,

I just, I felt like I was

falling for an eternity.

Like I had

time to think about, man,

there's alligators in there.

There's expl*sives down there.

There's-- you know,

any type of

scenario that you can

possibly think of

probably went through my

head at that time

just thinking about it.

And I remember

hitting the ground and just

instantly feeling

an enormous amount of pain.

And soon as I hit the ground,

my w*apon squad leader

landed on top of me.

And so I had not only my

weight but his on top of mine.



We could barely,

barely fit in there.

And I remember having

to call up and let the guys

know that we were in there.

They seen us fall and I remember

having to assess Bouchard's

injuries, having to see

if he was alive, if he was okay.

But I guess with all the pain,

we were both in

and out of consciousness.

[brooding music]

OMAR: I fell straight down.

I felt like I hit so hard.

And maybe, you know,

you talking about close to

500 pounds of

meat and gear impacting.

My fib, tibs broke.

I have so much hardware

in there right now and they had

to split my-- my legs

open in order to save them.

'Cause there was a possibility

that I would lose them.

We were in that hole

for roughly two hours.

JOHN: And so

we secured that site.

I had S*ddam's

revenge that night, again.

WADE: So I stayed

up on the turret

the whole night

for my truck.

'Cause I was like,

"I can't sleep.

I'm puking sh1tting myself,

so it'll be fun."

- [loud blast]

- WADE: And I remember the first

mortars that came in

and they hit and it was

early light,

like just first light.

They weren't near us,

but we're like,

"Hey, sir, I think

we're getting bracketed."

Bracketing is when

you sh**t a mortar and

you sort of adjust

and you sh**t again.

Kinda-- okay,

now where are we going?

[loud blast]

WADE: So the two commander's

like, "Hey, yeah,

let's mount up.

Let's start moving

our g*n truck positions.

Let's move." And as

we're doing that a mortar

lands in between

our truck and the high back,

which the high back

has no arm in the back.

It's literally an open,

like, bench seat.

And guys are just

hanging out there and

they get pepper sh*t and all.

So then now we have casualties.

So Lieutenant Glover's like,

"Hey, we're gonna have

to call this one out.

We're gonna have to bounce.

We're not gonna

hold this position."

'Cause what we were

gonna have to do was hold

that position

until they could get

like a wrecking crew out there

with a big 18-wheeler

flatbed truck that they--

with a crane, that could pick

that [indistinct] put it on

this truck thing and

then haul it out of there.

That's got like two or

three days' worth of sitting

around in the desert

waiting for that to happen.

And we had a similar

mission later on that sucked.

So he's like, "Hey,

we're gonna call it in.

They're gonna have

to blow it in place.

They're gonna have to

drop a JDAM on it or something."

Just 'cause we have casualties.

And as we get together

and we start pushing down

out on this road,

we take this road and that's

when the real ambush happens.

We're in this road

that's literally lined

up with just reeds.

Deep, deep, deep gullies

and reeds 'cause it's farmland.

So they have

this natural defense

that they can hide in and

they just start chewing us up.

And we're pushing

north through this town,

this little itty bitty town.

And it's bad folks in there too.

They're waiting for us,

RPGs, all that sort of stuff.

And we fight

our way through that.

Somehow in the firefight,

our crypto and our radio gets

kicked and it drops.

So we're only able to

talk on unsecured comms

to the other trucks.

And the rest of its-- our

private channel's just garbage.

We can't communicate

with the rest of the platoon.

But anyways,

so I think we have to

fall back in and let

someone else take lead.

And the whole goal is

to get to the cloverleaf.

That's casualty

collections point.

And we're a few clicks away.

We're like 20 minutes away.

As we're driving

through that firefight,

Boye is in one g*n truck

and he's in a high back,

but he's on a mounted-- he has

his light machine g*n saw.

[brooding music]

WADE: So he's on

the top of that Humvee,

basically pretty exposed,

sh**ting.

And an RPG hits and hits

his leg and cuts

his femoral artery,

I believe.

And he dies that day.



WADE: He fought

through that ambush.

I'm sicker than

hell at S*ddam's revenge.

So I'm, like, totally,

like, just beasted out on me,

like nothing in me.

I'd fired all my rounds.

I had like 14 or 16 magazines.

I'd gone through all my a*mo.

We fought in that fire really.

And we get to

the cloverleaf and we give

Boye to the medics.

And they're trying

to do the resuscitation.

I didn't really observe.

I was away from

that looking at other things.

And then we go from

the cloverleaf back to our soda

factory where we're

sort of staging our operations

and all of our trucks

have like a lot of damage.

So the mechanics are

working on our trucks to

keep us operational.

And that's

when Lieutenant Glover...

[somber music]

...he called us together,

let us know Boye didn't make it.



The day was still

young and we were still QRF.

And I think it was

Charlie Company's AAV,

it might have been Bravos.

One of them they had

pushed past Violet.

They were doing like a little

patrol mission and their AAV,

I think got disoriented or

whatever and it went past Violet

and it got ambushed

and got mobility k*ll.

The driver,

he got hit with a couple RPGs.

The driver was k*lled instantly.

The lieutenant and

the platoon commander

had a, basically, RPG

that was like a armor piercing.

So it basically turns into

liquid hot copper and burns.

He had gotten

a critical hit through his leg.

Luckily it cauterized his wound

so he didn't bleed to death,

but he was done-zo.

So his guys got out

and took over a building

next to them where

the AAV was immobilized.

[g*nf*re]

And then

they were getting overrun.

And so we as QRF

have to spool up

and we go in there

to try and get 'em out.

We get out to that location

and it is very kinetic.

It's a hornet's nest.

They're trying

to overrun those 'cause it's--

they want

that AAV for propaganda.

They wanna

k*ll that platoon

and get shown

on Al Jazeera news.

And so Glover calls up

the Abrams tanks

and is like, "Hey, you guys are

towing this thing outta here.

Figure out how to rig

this thing for tow

but you're

towing it out there."

And I just remember hearing

like the Abrams tanks guys

were like, "Well, it's getting

dark." So he is like...

He's like, "We're out here.

You're in an armored vehicle.

I don't wanna hear it.

You're rigging this thing

for tow and you're

pulling it out here.

It's not gonna be used.

There's a dead marine in here.

You're not leaving him."

And so we were

holding down the position

and I think

it became too dangerous

for our Humvees

'cause we had an RPG

hit under

our vehicle and blow us up.

And we were

all sitting there and quiet

and like,

"Nobody's injured. Nobody's--

And Lieutenant Glover's like,

"Hey, pull the Humvees back

and just

hang out this phase line

and we'll come

to you and pull this out."

So we got the AAV

outta there that night.

And it was a long day.

In between Boye's

death and, you know,

us responding to that

QRF call, I had been, like,

given a bunch of IVs

'cause I was just done.

The medic--

the Corman was like, "Hey,

you need some liquids."

And so they've put me

like four or five bags

of IV and I was

still barely hanging on.

I was real sick.

That was a long day.

That was a tough one.

You know, but I think

what shown was the leadership

of my platoon commander

and he was like,

"We can sit around

and wallow about it

or we can

continue our job."

And I think that was the best

thing for the platoon, you know.

Boye's death really affected

the platoon I know that.

Universally loved, you know.

I remember

in Okinawa he'd gotten

in a drinking incident

and we were only there

for like three months,

but they have this unique thing

in Okinawa called CCU,

Correctional Custody Unit.

And he'd gotten

sent there because he'd gotten

another NJP

busted down a rank.

And in CCU what they do

is they take small rocks

and make 'em

into smaller rocks

and move those smaller rocks

across

the parade deck in bags.

Like, that's all they do.

Then they'll move

the other rocks and break 'em

with hammers,

make 'em smaller,

put 'em in sandbags,

and bring 'em up.

That's their days of activities.

And they march

around like bootcamp

and it's like

real crappy to be at CCU.

I remember he being

lunched in the chow hall,

and we were

already combat vets,

and we'd make fun

of like the MPs

that were guarding and

we'd get him in so much trouble.

[laughing] We would

just talk to his guards

tell 'em they're, you know,

pussies, pogues, you know.

And they would

just take it out on Boye.

[laughing] But, yeah,

Boye was just loved, you know.

He could sing,

he could sing his ass off.

Dude could play a guitar.

[somber music]

Sparsky,

this is when Sparsky

really started

to shine as a sergeant.

You know,

cold as ice on the comms,

not freaking out

when we're in an ambush,

just being like, "Yeah,

contact, right," blah, blah.

Just like monotone.

Like, I don't know.

I'm behind him,

but it's like...

I'm sh**ting and shouting.

You know,

like at some points

it's pure terror

in those ambushes.

And it's a miracle, like...

I mean, our Humvee

was riddled with holes.

We had RPG blasts

in it, we had--

It was amazing

how that truck looked

at the end

'til it got blown up.

But yeah, Fallujah

then the sad thing was is,

you know, after that day,

a couple weeks, days later,

maybe a couple days

they came and told us

that we were

pulling out of Fallujah.

[tense music]

MAN: Whoa.



And that really,

really was a gut punch,

because like,

we had taken all this territory.

We were, you know,

a quarter way through the city.

We were gonna finish the city.

We had the momentum.

We had 'em on their ass.

They'd politically been

trying to delay our offensive.

That's why we had

a halt in operations at Violet.

We couldn't go any further.

They didn't want us--

They had done

a political agreement.

And our sn*pers

were k*lling these guys.

I mean, we were just--

we had 'em on the run.

We were gonna

take that city.

and politics

came in and squashed it.

And, like,

had us walk, you know,

basically,

they pull outta the city

with these like Iraqi army units

that didn't know which side

of the g*n to look at

to sh**t, you know,

take over our positions.

And like, of course,

they were hand in hand

with the insurgents.

We'd spend a month in Fallujah.

And to have that sort

of taken from us was really--

it eats at me today,

you know, 'cause three, five

and all those other units

we had go in there

in November

shouldn't have had to.

We could have finished

it and been done with it.

So yeah, that's something that

always eats at me to this day.

I decided to do this because

I got tired of losing people.

I mean, I got out around 2013,

I separated from the service.

And I'm probably

averaging

around six to seven people,

or at least one a year.

And I think I just got

tired of losing people, man.

It's one thing to put money

towards the charity or,

you know, say I, you know,

I support veteran su1c1de,

or I wear a bracelet for 22,

you know, veterans

the day that commit su1c1de.

But I wanted

to do something

and it kills me

that I can't be everywhere.

So I hope that this film is

some sort of force multiplier,

what we call it

in the m*llitary

to help veterans know, like,

"Hey, man,

you're not the only one.

It's okay."

And then also

to bring awareness

to the general public

that it's not always PTSD.

It may not be

this thing or that thing,

but they're struggling

with something.

And just recognize

that and just understand that

one veteran

is okay, you know.

f*cking ask for help.

Sergeant Kershaw,

you know, needs help sometimes.

Sergeant Hernandez need help.

Sergeant Span.

You know, Sergeant Gomez

or Specialist Gomez,

or whatever it is,

it's okay, man.

You know, we got your back.

It's not-- And again,

like I'm sitting up here

talking like it's f*cking easy

before you ask me that question.

It's not.

There's no pill, no matter

what the VA prescribes you,

it's always gonna be there.

You're changed forever.

You just gotta deal with it.

You gotta surround

yourself around people

that make you know,

like, hey,

you're not the only one going

through it, you can b*at it.

It's like an ongoing battle,

right? It's--

I don't think I've beaten it,

but I've gotten better.

That thing starts

crawling up my back again.

Like I know how to deal with it.

And everyone

deals it their own way.

I know how to deal with it.

But my daughter,

because at the time

my son wasn't born.

And I remember...

like my wife would--

so the kind

of like the battle rhythm

we had every day was--

and granted,

if you were to look

at me outside of everybody,

like if you were

to look at me like in a box

of like,

how is his transition going?

I think you would probably

think I was doing okay.

I work for a major company,

doing well.

But that sh*t

doesn't matter to me.

And I was chasing something.

I think I fell

into that purpose, community,

and identity bucket personally.

And it didn't hit me

'til five years later.

And I can remember

the battle rhythm we had was,

I would always take Camilla

to school, no matter what.

That was my thing.

Daddy took her to school.

And I worked,

I drop her off, go into work,

travel, do whatever,

go to DC, do some meetings,

come back, and then, you know,

if I could pick her up

for the most part,

I picked her up.

And then we got home.

Joanna,

my wife, kinda took over.

Like she was, you know,

the one that was really good

at putting her to bed because

she wasn't a good sleeper.

She would do that.

She was the nurturing one.

So I had

this dead space of like,

from 7:30, and I didn't

go to bed 'til like 2:00

every night of just like,

up in my own thoughts.

And around 2019,

I would just sit there

and stare

at a f*cking blank TV screen.

And I couldn't understand it.

If I could

explain it visually,

and this is what

I tell the other veterans

when I'm explaining it,

is like, it feels like

if you could look at my body

and something would represent

like that feeling,

it feels like black tar.

Is like slowly creeping up

and you're trying internally

in your head to fight

that m*therf*cker off.

And then you're just like,

"What the f*ck? What the f*ck?"

And then, you know,

it creeps up there,

and then you're just

super f*cking depressed

and angry

and you can't figure out why,

you don't think anyone

f*cking understands you.

All of us have f*cking g*ns.

So you're fighting to, you know,

to not make yourself a target,

a 50-meter target, right?

You know, your closest thr*at.

And for me, my purpose

and who saved me

was my daughter.

'Cause I couldn't imagine--

And it was bad.

And I couldn't

imagine her waking up

and seeing me like that.

And more importantly,

this may sound weird,

in my head, I was like, "f*ck,

who's gonna take her to school?

She's gotta get to school.

She counts on Daddy

to get her to school."

So I think it was less

of her finding me.

'Cause I feel like, you know,

somebody else would've found me.

But it was more like,

you know,

my baby counts on me

to take her to school.

So, you know, one day...

I think one day,

she's gonna know.



She's gonna know that

she saved her daddy's life.

Yeah.

Yeah.

[brooding music]

So getting outta

the Marine Corps, I was eager.

I got home on a Thursday

and by that Tuesday

fall semester

community college started.

So like my brother

flew out to Camp Pendleton.

We got in the truck

and we did a road trip

for like ten days across

country, which is awesome.

I needed that.

It was a good experience.

But it really

helped me decompress,

but then hit the books

right ahead right from then on.

And the suicides

and all that stuff

started happening

a few years later.

All the traumas finally

caught up to us, I think.

We lost some guys in combat,

but we lost more to su1c1de.

You know, the first one

that I knew of was Nelson.

He was in 80 ones. I knew him.

Evidently,

he'd been recalled back

to the Marines and I don't know.

Either wasn't

allowed to be infantry,

or they weren't gonna

let him serve in that role.

I've heard mixed stories,

but he took his life.

And then Sparsky

and another Sergeant Mansfield,

they went up to pay respects

at the funeral as our unit.

w*r takes a toll

and a price that, you know,

you can never

necessarily justify,

but it's something

that's gotta happen.

It's gonna happen,

you know, inevitably

just like kids

on the playground,

they're gonna

fight at some point.

w*r's a heck of a lot worse.

But in a lot of instances,

you can't get around it.

Luckily you've got

people that'll go out

and fight it for you.

So you can sit back

and have that argument.

You know, you can

armchair quarterback

anything that you want,

but until you've been there,

you'll never really know,

you know, what w*r means

to a lot of us guys that

have been there and fought it.

The transition was scary.

It was scary because...

I mean, all I've done for

the past 16 years was the army.

And I was afraid.

I was afraid that

I would fail as a civilian.

I was still learning

to walk whenever I was retired.

I had to wear braces

for a long time.

And even to this day I still do.

But having a good...

support group like family

and, you know,

your brother-in-laws

and stuff like that

was very, very beneficial

for the transition

'cause they just showed me

all kinds of love

and letting me know that

everything was gonna be okay.

I have lost

quite a few actually.

And...

And just

not too long ago,

we had a guy

that committed su1c1de.

I mean,

these are all good guys.

These are all

great, great, great guys,

and you wouldn't

expect that from them.

You wouldn't expect them

to take their lives

and put their pain

onto somebody else.

And the thing

is that when we as veterans

commit su1c1de,

we don't stop the pain.

We inherit it

our loved ones, to our kids,

to our wives...

our husbands, our parents,

our siblings, and just

anybody else that care for you.

And so I think

it's very important

that we have

a support group.

I was in school by time I think

I was going to college in DC.

And Ski. I'd talked

to Ski the week before

he was gonna get out.

He was getting

medically separated,

'cause of the brain damage

from the expl*si*n

that we had had together.

And I was like,

"Well, that's good.

You got all these options.

You got school, man. You're

gonna be great. No worries."

You know, wife and kids,

he's two sons.

And he came

back from that funeral

and Lieutenant Russell

had dinner with him that Sunday.

I barbecued with him.

And then Monday

he k*lled himself,

sh*t himself in the head.

[somber music]

[exhales]

That's the toughest one.

'Cause, you know,

Ski was a great leader.

We got along.

We were best friends.

And...

to see how quickly

he deteriorated

and he was still active duty.

And he'd been promoted

meritoriously from sergeant

to Staff Sergeant,

and made Gunny real quick.

It was an unheard

of in the Marine Corps.

And...

yeah,

for him to take his life,

I wasn't expecting it,

didn't believe it.

I still,

at times don't believe it.

And that was a hard one.

The whole platoon

felt that one, I think.

You know, I've tried

to make amends with it,

but it's something

that lingers with me.

And then from that,

we learned about Heinzic,

who was my platoon.

Heinzic had gotten out around

the same time I got out.

He had a baby mama

in San Diego,

and he was having custody

battles with her, evidently.

And his dad came out to help

him try and get him on his feet,

help him, you know,

get right with things.

I think his dad

was a veteran maybe too.

And Heinzic comes home

from work one day

and his dad comes in,

walking in,

and then Heinzic sh**t himself

in front of his father.

k*lled himself

right in front of his dad.



WADE: And I only learned about

this because few years later,

back about five years ago,

2016, I took a road trip.

I visited the graves

of the guys that we lost.

And I left, you know,

my contact information

and a little memento

and a t-shirt,

I think, of the unit.

And Heinzic's

grandma got ahold of me.

And she had

been down at the plots

a week later after

I'd visited for her husband,

her husband

had finally passed away.

And she told me the story

of what happened to Heinzic.

And then she told me

that five years after

Heinzic k*lled himself,

his father k*lled himself.

So this grandma

was out there burying

her husband

at a grave family plot

where her grandson

and her son were buried

because of this w*r.

And Boye, I went

and visited Boye's grave

and Lieutenant Childers's grave.

And at Boye's,

I met his mom.

She met me out there.

She took a break

from her factory job.

What was it?

Hornady.

She works for Hornady.

And she met me

at the grave site.

And then I noticed

that there was

another headstone

with Boye on it.

And she told me

the story that Boye's brother

was in the Army

when he got k*lled

and he was

getting out already.

And a few years later,

Boye's brother

took his own life, you know.

And I totally believe

it's because of the w*r.

You know,

he lost his brother

and he probably

had his own traumas

that the m*llitary wasn't

dealing with properly, so.

And the tragedy just keep going.

You know, I lost

a lot of guys to su1c1de.

It's tough.

And, you know.

You don't know

who to point the finger at.

I do know that some of

these pharmaceutical companies

they put these guys up on

wasn't helpful.

I know, without a doubt

that caused a lot of the issues.

The VA couldn't handle it,

handle the volume of patients.

Couldn't give

the one-on-one care,

the direct counseling they need.

Just give 'em dr*gs,

numb 'em out, cope 'em out,

make 'em numb.

They won't

respond to anything then.

And it's been fatal ever

since they started doing that.

And in the m*llitary

we always talk about like,

not failing,

not letting people down.

And that was

one of my fears too

of letting my mom and dad down

or letting my nieces

and nephews down.

And just thinking about all

the people that I would hurt,

just because I thought

that it would end my pain.

And just opening up,

opening up to somebody.

And that really helped

me out quite a bit

'cause you feel lighter

at the end of the day.

I've called

the hotline and...

I was a bit disappointed

with it because it's not like

you talk to somebody right away.

And I wish that

we could talk to people.

I now have a lot

of regrets or things

I've had to come

to grips with as far

as understanding

my role in a w*r

that you look back on,

it don't make sense.

It was tough

to see Afghanistan

go the way it did,

especially knowing

all the sacrifice

put in that country as well.

And the treasurer.

f*ck the money.

People made plenty

of money off this w*r.

It's really

the guys, the lives.

You know, even

the Iraqis and Afghans,

you know, I feel bad for them.

Worse.

We f*cked them up.

Made 'em dependent,

then left them behind to dry.

And it's something

I have to accept my role in.

You know, at the time

I wouldn't take anything back.

If you give me the experience,

I'll take it over again.

I'll do it again.

But it's tough to realize

the consequences

of these decisions

our country made,

our leadership made.

I definitely think,

you know,

it could have

been done differently.

It should

have been done differently.

But I think there's money

to be made and people

are wanting

to profit off of this.

It's sad.

But yeah,

I got into college.

After I graduated

from my four-year university,

I got

into private security myself.

It was good money. And I was

addicted to the adrenaline.

It's a simpler life overseas.

You have your job,

sleep, work out, eat.

You know,

job, sleep, work out, eat.

So it's simple. You

don't have like the gossip.

You don't have the

"what's going on in this city"

or what's going on here,

this controversy.

It's a simplified life.

And I loved it.

And I got addicted to

the adrenaline rush of combat.

You know, my whole time

in university

I kept on trying

to join m*llitary.

Like I joined LRS unit,

a National Guard LRS unit,

a Long Range

Surveillance unit,

because I wanted to get trained

and I wanted

to continue to fight.

And when Ski got k*lled,

I got real close to joining

back in the Marines

and going back in

'cause I was like,

I gotta get in to fight.

I have some anger issues.

[laughing]

And luckily I talked

to Lieutenant Glover still.

I was really

in good contact with him.

And he sort of said,

"Hey, do yourself this.

Go to school, complete school.

If you wanna go in,

you can go in afterwards."

And so I'm really glad

he told me to do that

'cause, at the time, I didn't

have a real good compass.

I go with any direction.

And to have him

encourage me to stay in school

and I did it,

it's an accomplishment for me.

Especially going to,

like, the school I went to.

If you would

ask my peers in high school

they probably

would've never thought

I could get into it

and go to that school.

So I was kinda spiteful.

I think I mentioned

early on about, you know,

being enlisted,

of taking the dummies route,

going enlisted.

So for me, you know,

I had this chip on my shoulder

for sure, and I probably

still do about the wasted lives.

And I finally have accepted

that we probably shouldn't

have gone into Iraq.

You know,

looking at the facts now,

knowing we kinda all

were lied to.

I mean, they used

General Powell

and all those people

as pawns to set something up

that I think didn't

need to happen, you know?

And it's sad that

nobody's been held accountable.

Our government

lets them get away with it.

I definitely

have some issues with the way

we abandoned things in Iraq.

And hell, if I would've lost.

I remember

being in Kuwait,

searching the desert because

someone lost a bayonet.

We weren't allowed to leave.

You know, get on line

and look for a freaking bayonet

that's maybe

$20 worth of equipment.

Yet the generals

were allowed to leave

billions of dollars

of equipment in Afghanistan.

And nobody's

held accountable.

And it's just hypocrisy to me.

And I can't accept

that like, they taught me

all these values

and these things

that were important

to me then to turn around

and them not even live by 'em

and hold themselves up

to the same accountable

things that I was held to.

It really is frustrating to see.

So, that's my gripe

of the year, I guess.

[laughing]

You know, I like to go hunting.

You know, I go deer,

go with some buddies,

and go elk hunting and all that.

And there's no comparison.

You know, you're taking a life,

but one's feeding your family.

One's taking

another human off this world.

You know, at the end of the day

while we were deployed,

it kinda turned into

who's making it home tonight?

You or me?

And I wanna go home worse.

You know, I wanna go home more.

Whenever I came back, I went

and found my childhood priest,

tried to talk

to him a little bit about it.

He's an older gentleman and

he definitely gave me his time.

But when you haven't been there,

you don't really understand.

There's one priest

I wish I could run into

back home near Kansas City.

He was a, I think

he retired as a captain

in the Marines from Vietnam.

Yeah, the Vietnam era.

But I mean,

it's really something

you've gotta come

to grips with yourself.

You know, you're sending

18, 19, 20-year-olds over there

if they're fresh

and they're taking lives.

You know, if they're

not lucky in a facetious way.

But the part

of the m*llitary

that actually sees direct

combat is very, very small.

So if you are lucky

in the fact that you're part

of that percent you need

to have your head on right.

I've got some friends

that grew up, you know,

they're the same age,

grew up close to the same way,

but in different parts

of the country.

And I know that a lot of us

have handled it all differently.

Taking a life is...

it's not something

to be taken lightly.

But at the end of the day,

it's I wanna go home more

and I'm going home

to my family.

So you made

your choice and I made mine,

and you're going to meet

your maker and not me today.

You know,

when you leave the m*llitary,

you lose your purpose,

your identity,

and your community.

I was fortunate I came home

and I came back

to my old high school buddies

that were still around

and family and friends

that were still

there in the community.

And so I sort of had some people

to safeguard me a little bit.

Like, I did implode.

And I wasn't--

They told me to do something,

I was gonna do the opposite.

But they at least, you know,

they kept the rails on.

It kept me on the rails.

I think for a lot of people,

they lose one, you know,

two or three of those:

purpose, identity, community,

and it creates

a downward spiral.

So much so.

I think with Ski,

I look back,

they were taking away

his purpose.

They were taking away

his identity.

He was no longer gonna

be allowed to be a Marine,

a very good marine.

And I'm sure

he had his own issues

with the w*r

and his own family issues.

You know, I don't know exactly

led him to pull that g*n out.

But I know he was suffering.

And, you know,

like I lost my identity,

but I still retain it.

You know, I still will

tell people I'm a marine.

[laughing] But I think,

yeah, I think people--

the m*llitary does

a good job at taking people,

making 'em the K*llers.

It doesn't

do a good job

processing 'em out

to be "normal."

And it's not

their job to really.

They have a mission.

It's not to always

do the backend stuff.

I think we're realizing now

I think they put a great effort

into counteracting

the negative things.

It's changed, you know,

the talks of mental health.

You didn't talk

about it in 2004, 2005.

Kidding me?

No, you're not talking about it.

We're not pussies here.

[laughs] I knew

I was f*cked up,

but I always knew I wanted

to work in the government

with a security claim,

so I never brought it up.

It took me

over a decade to finally

admit that I had PTSD.

And it was only

after I was working overseas

I was like,

"I need to get help."

I need to have a quality

of life that it's worth

what I've done,

what I've put myself through.

I think that's

one of the bigger things.

And I think it plays with

some of my childhood trauma,

was I've never

felt worthy of love.

And, uh...

MAN: What are your hobbies now?

So, I weld sometimes.

I do fishing,

take the kids fishing.

Heck just last week

I took my niece

and my nephew's Tito's kids

to go look at alligators.

And like,

I just enjoy seeing

their smiles and their--

That's what makes me wanna

wake up in the morning

to where

they call for me.

And...

I don't

wanna let them down.

And so I think if

we as veterans find something

that makes

you wanna wake up,

then we need to look for that,

for whatever it is.

As long as it's productive,

then I think we'd be okay.

But I really think,

like the brothers I served with,

I'm so glad I can be

in contact with a lot of them.

We've stayed together,

we stayed pretty close together.

And a lot of us have found

our paths in unique ways.

You know,

I think for a lot of them.

And I encourage all

of them that I served with,

you know, to do

alternative therapies.

There's not a silver b*llet

that's gonna fix a veteran.

There's multiple paths

to find a purpose,

a place in society

and your new tribe.

I'm so grateful

that I have the guys

I served with still around.

They'll check

me when I'm fooling around

and being an idiot.

But they'll

also tell me, "Oh no,

hey, it's not

that big of a deal.

You screw that up. Who cares?"

You know,

bigger picture of things.

They put thing

in perspective for me

that a lot of times I forget.

Especially

like my buddy Joe Wells,

he lets me know that like,

I don't owe anybody anything.

You know? If I wanna do this

for the rest of my life,

I'm good. I've made my peace.

I have my friends.

I don't need

to prove anything to anybody.

If there's something

I want to accomplish,

I can accomplish it.

But I think

a lot of veterans

get themselves

into trouble is

in our society I can order

everything to my house

and not have to deal

with a single human being.

I don't have to engage

with anybody.

And that's not a good thing,

is what I try to tell people.

We're social creatures we need

to have social interaction.

We need to have connections.

And where our fear is like

we had this deep, deep bond.

And I know--

What's that author's name?

Sebastian Junger

and he talks about that.

And I agree

with his book, Tribe.

You have these deep

connections with these guys.

They're intimate, you know.

[laughing] Deep jokes, like

just meaning with each other.

And then they part

ways and rip each other out.

It's hard. For years after

getting out in the Marines,

my goal was I wanna

be wealthy enough

to be able to pay

for everybody's family

to come to a reunion

for a week from each deployment.

'Cause each deployment

we had different guys with us

and do a big, huge way

and be able to be so successful.

That was my big heritage goal.

Be so successful

that I could afford

to pay for everybody's

families to take the week off.

You know, all that stuff.

Have all the sorts

of therapies and, you know,

ways to reconnect.

And I realize like, I'm not

gonna get there professionally,

but maybe there's

a way for me to be a part

of a nonprofit that can

do something like that one day.

But it's tough to see guys

go home and suffer,

especially when you knew

them in the m*llitary

as like the good-to-go guy,

the guy that was reliable.

The guy

who will watch your back.

And to see how this rot

has set in with our country,

with dr*gs, with meth,

with opioids,

and the same problems

that plague these veterans

are the same problems

that plague our nation.

And it sucks that

nobody wants to step up

and try to really go

after these things.

It's disheartening

to see my buddies,

some of them, you know, I love

seeing the success stories.

I've got guys

that are successful

and it's not always

the boohoo thing.

They've taken those experiences

and turned it

into something positive,

used it to make themselves

plenty of money and build

a family that's full of love.

Then [indistinct]

guys that have really

self-destructed and,

you know,

done every bad decision

they could think of if not more.

And I think a lot of it is lack

of services initially maybe.

Or, you know, had something

gone a different way,

break another way, maybe they'd

have a better step forward

and never a new start.

But it's tough to see,

you know,

that's probably like the road

trips I've done cross country

multiple times

is like, it's for me.

I'm gonna be selfish.

It's a lot of--

It feeds my heart to be

able to see these guys again.

But it's also part

of it is me checking in on 'em.

And like, you see

the guys that are really proud

to show off themselves,

they're like,

"Hey, this--"

My best friend Staples.

I lived with him

for four years in the Marines."

And Stack, nicest dude

ever from Youngstown, Ohio.

Big brother.

Looks like Mike Tyson.

Has a lisp.

And me and him were roommates

and we fought

with each other initially

and then

we became brothers after.

And he came home

with me on leave.

And when he got out,

he is a big guy.

So people like to try

to test themselves with him.

And he wasn't gonna

back down from a fight.

Evidently, he got

into a fight in Ohio

and got arrested

and got put in the system

and that system holds onto him.

I did that road trip part

of it to reconnect with him.

And I did meet up with him.

I got to hug him, I'd see him.

But I could tell he was shy,

didn't wanna talk

about his past,

didn't wanna talk

about what

he's up to these days.

'Cause he was in and out of,

like, the legal system

and didn't have a whole

lot of opportunities

in front of him, especially

in, like, Youngstown, Ohio.

It's hard.

But his family's there.

Guys like him I wish

I could get ahold of

and give another opportunity

or just offer 'em

whatever they need.

You know, like

they're the ones

that I want

to encourage, get services.

I'm fine.

I can advocate for myself.

It's those guys like him.

And since I saw him, I've

been outta contact with him.

You can't get

ahold of him anymore.

I've gone back

to Youngstown, Ohio

on my road trips

and knocked on doors

and asked around

but still can't find him.

And that's like I guess

my big hairy goal eventually

is to have a real reconnection

with him and other guys.

You know, I'm not

worried about the guys

that are still texting me

and I see on social media maybe.

It's the guys

that have quieted up, sort of.

You see them extract

themselves outta life.

Those are the guys

I worry about.

'Cause it's never good.

You know,

guys shouldn't have to fight

these battles

by themselves, you know.

Ancient tribes,

they're warriors.

They came home

to different settings.

And I think for our veterans,

we need to figure out

a way to bring

these guys home and let them

integrate into a society

that understands them.

There should never be

a m*llitary-civilian divide

or veteran-civilian divide.

That's just veterans

trying to put up walls.

I read a good story

from a ranger who wrote it,

basically said,

"Yeah, I had best friends,

best brothers in my life

but that was 20 years ago

and I have 60 years

of my life ahead of me."

He said, "Is that the last

of my relationships

I'm ever gonna have?"

No, you have to build

new relationships.

You have to find people

that may not be that.

Now, I still have

a habit of finding veterans

and they just gravitate

towards each other.

But I do try to find people that

aren't veterans to engage with.

You know,

they might think my humor's

a little sick or weird.

I probably cuss too much.

But, you know,

I do try to connect with them

'cause they're Americans

just like me and you.

And I want them

to understand what sacrifice is.

That's why I tell my story

or parts

of it to anyone that asks.

It doesn't mean

no good to hold onto it.

Nobody knows what sacrifice is.

Nobody knows what the cost

of sending our youth to fight.

You know, what's the true cost?

Well, I'll tell

you the true cost.

People like Heinzic.

That's whole family's destroyed.

Boye, a whole

family's devastated.

[sniffling] You know,

that's the hard part.

[somber guitar music]

Trouble dies

And not out at the rocks

Does help praise

As the b*llet

shell struck

Be careful

Don't be eager

When your fingers

on the trigger

Out in the open,

and your g*n's all you got

Sin is like a wildfire,

souls are quick to burn

When will I learn

That sometimes

pain is underserved

Be careful

Don't be bitter

When you

could be a forgiver

Out in this world left alone

with your thoughts

And I wish

I could revive my soul

But maybe I'm too broken

Don't hold me liable

If I'm not outspoken

They say

I'm tribal [indistinct]

Leading all my life

full revival

But a broken tribe

is all I know

Would you care

To try to understand

Hurt that was felt

was more in our hands

Be cautious

when you listen

'Cause the tears

don't seem to glisten

Out in the middle

of the desert sand

Would you come running

And show me your love

If I said the memories

are all creeping up

Be cautious

with you talking

Don't you know

that I was walking

Or carrying weight

of a hurt friend?

[music fades]