01x02 - Maxine Saves a Cat

[bunniefuu]

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

[MAXINE] Talent. In the pageant world,

who you are is defined
by what you can do.

And while my competition
twirled the baton,

I excelled at something more
mysterious, more magical.

The time-honored art of escape.

[APPLAUSE]

[CHUCKLING]

[MAXINE] Harry Houdini
could barely get himself out

of a dinner reservation compared to me.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Oh!

- Oh.
- Très jolie.

- Is it too young?
- Please. You are positively a fetus.

Grayman! Assistánce, s'il vous plaît.

Is that Evelyn Rollins?

She has frozen shoulder
and can't reach her zipper.

- [CHUCKLES] Back in a jiff.
- Oh.

Shoes, shoes, shoes.

Bonjour.

- Finally. [GROANS] Up top.
- [SIGHS] Oh, my goodness.

[MAXINE] In Palm Beach,

Evelyn Rollins had been copied
more times than the Bible.

It was always tasteful.
Never out of step.

I wanted what she had and more.

Be still my brocaded heart.

[EVELYN] Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Grayman, can you please
bring me the brocade?

Is that Maxine Simmons?

Don't worry. I dressed her
like a baby dock whore.

[EVELYN LAUGHS]

I changed my mind. Uh, let me
see the, um, Malcolm Starr.

[GRAYMAN] Back in a jiff.

"Baby dock whore"?

You said young and supple.

[SIGHS]

Listen, Grayman, um,
whatever she's wearing,

I need you to help me keep up.

- Okay, please.
- Of course, of course.

- Grayman's word is gospel.
- [MOUTHING] Thank you.

[GASPS]

Mr. Starr's new maxi. Oh.

["THE SWINGER" PLAYING]

Oh. Well, look at us. We're like
a couple of twins. [CHUCKLES]

Our outfits are made of the same fabric.

I do love this skirt. [CHUCKLES]
Or do I love these pants?

Do I love the skirt or do I love
these pants? [CHUCKLES]

It's palazzo.

Galanos, Grayman. Get me the Galanos.

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

- [GASPS] Fabiani. [CHUCKLES]
- Fabiani.

Can y'all make me a Grasshopper?

[GASPS]

Yes, it's divine. Wrap it up
and bring me the Oscar.

[GRAYMAN] Oscar!

[GASPS] I love Grasshoppers.
Mmm. You ever had one?

Oh, it's the crème de menthe.

I love how it makes
your mouth feel so cold.

[EVELYN] Divine.

[MAXINE] Garçon.

- Don't step in the doo.
- Oh. Why not?

- Don't step in the doo, Maxine.
- One in every color.

- [MAXINE] Grayman.
- [GRAYMAN] Hmm?

Who do I have to k*ll to wear that?

Hold your fire, dear.

I was having it built for Norma's
end-of-season Beach Ball,

but, alas.

How is dear Norma?

That is so sweet of you to ask.

But it's not looking good.

Douglas and I pray for
a miracle twice daily.

How Catholic.

- Anything for family.
- Hmm.

Even family you haven't
seen in 20 years?

We have kept up our correspondence
with Norma religiously.

- Of course you have.
- Oh.

Isn't your husband down
the hall from Norma

at Destiny Vistas?

How's he finding the food?

Grayman, have my packages
sent to the house.

[GRAYMAN] Oh, yes, of course.

- Immediately.
- What'd I say?

You brought up her senile
salami slice of a husband.

I really stepped in the doo, didn't I?

Can I make it up to her?

Tip to the wise. Make
up without sucking up.

That's a needle I can thread.

Evelyn's either your best
friend or your worst enemy.

Stay on her good side.

With Norma sadly embolized,
as Evelyn Rollins goes,

- so too does Palm Beach.
- Oh.

- [CLICK TONGUE] Oh.
- [INHALES SHARPLY]

And how will you be paying?

Oh, um, you take a check?

Maybe as many as a million,
mostly young people,

are expected to participate in
today's moratorium against Vietnam.

[SIGHS] Well, that's the last of it.
Evelyn's taste is exquisite.

Ooh! You know, it's so pricey.

Otherwise you'd know
I'd never. [CHUCKLES]

I just don't want to
embarrass myself or you.

- [GASPS] Oh. Hello.
- [NURSE] Good morning.

- Your aunt had a rough night.
- Oh.

The doctor said the embolism
has traveled to her lungs.

You and your husband should be prepared.

Didn't think it'd be so fast.

We were just getting to know each other.

[MAXINE SIGHS] That's the last of 'em.

I'll be back for these.

Ticktock.

- [HORN HONKING]
- [MAXINE EXCLAIMS]

- Where have you been? I was worried.
- [GRUNTS]

Oh. I stopped by to check in on Norma.

[DOUGLAS] How is the old girl?

[MAXINE] Well, we should be preparing.

- Clearly you have been.
- [SIGHS]

You bought out half of Worth Avenue.

There's so many events at the club.
Different outfit for each event.

[SIGHS] But you don't have to
prove yourself, Maxine Simmons.

About that proof. [SIGHS]

What do you say we just drop the
Simmons and go by Dellacorte?

- But I'm a Simmons.
- You're also a Dellacorte.

Don't you just love the way
it trips off your tongue?

Dellacorte. Dellacorte.

That name has got a lot of baggage, Max.

Well, you stow that Samsonite,
my dashing pilot.

It's your turn.

We don't have the money yet.

Maybe we should go back to
Atlanta until the time comes.

I'm not going back there.

Okay.

I've just got into the club, Douglas.

And... [STAMMERS]
... of course I wanna stay here

to look after Norma.

I've only suggested the name
change to help smooth our path.

You don't want your little wife
going back to tawdry old Atlanta

with a budding better future
on the horizon here.

- Whatever makes the missus happy.
- [CHUCKLES]

- Hmm.
- [MOTEL CLERK] Excuse me, Ms. Simmons!

- Ms. Simmons!
- Oh! I'm sorry, we're going to the airport.

I've been ringing your room.
There's the matter of the bill.

- Mr. Dellacorte's got to fly!
- Mrs. Simmons! Mrs. Simmons!

["GRAZING IN THE GRASS" PLAYING]

Bon champs, pals!

Good afternoon, Ms. Simmons.

It's Dellacorte. Mrs.
Douglas Dellacorte.

Get used to saying that.

Why don't you go ahead and
make me a Grasshopper?

You remember how I like them?

- Of course.
- Hmm.

So, you're planning on
staying for the season?

Suffice to say, you should order
a case of that crème de cacao.

I plan on consuming a
swarm of Grasshoppers.

Aren't you getting a
little bit too comfortable

for a conditional member?

- Pray tell?
- Well, first month's a trial,

a chance for everyone to look
you over to see if you fit in.

Then you'll need two sponsors
to make it official.

And no one to blackball you.

Thank you.

I'll take this by the pool.

Here you are, Dinah. Page two.

You're here too, looking so lovely.

Is that the new Shiny Sheet? [CHUCKLES]

Do we get an early delivery?

Is this seat taken?

- This is Franco, and this is his chair.
- [MAXINE] Mmm.

Mrs. Rollins.

Well, wouldn't want such a
beautiful bag on the ground.

It's, uh, bad luck in some cultures.

Hey, pal, wanna share your Shiny Sheet?

You wanna make sure...

Oh. [SIGHS] That's tough.

Just leave me be, please and thank you.

[SIGHS]

Well, if you're not gonna
read it... Do you mind?

[GASPS]

Hello, friend.

Mary!

Are you coming tonight?

Um, tonight?

FibBid, my auction for fibrosis.

Yes, those poor fibs.

I understand it's like
breathing underwater.

That's cystic fibrosis.

This is for fibrosis of the liver.

- Cirrhosis was already taken.
- [MAXINE] Oh.

Oh, it says here you've
raised quite a sum, Dinah.

Proud to say we grossed $200,000.

- Impressive.
- [DINAH] Thank you.

Where are you, Mary?

Yes, where are you?

- We are at 190,000 so far.
- [GROANS]

- Mmm.
- But we're going to make much more

on the auction items.

You guys make it sound
like it's a competition.

[GASPS]

What a ghastly thing to say.

Do you loathe generosity, Maxine?

No, I don't loathe it.
I love it. I love generosity.

I'd love to donate something
to your auction, Mary.

To donate, you have to buy a table.

I'm sorry, I don't make the rules.

Well, I'll buy a table.

I love tables. [CHUCKLES]
How much can a table cost?

[EVELYN CHUCKLES]

Ten thousand dollars
because it's last minute.

Of course. Last minute.

[CHUCKLES]

Not a problem.

- Got my checkbook. [CHUCKLES]
- [MARY] Good!

Always a good idea when
you're at the club. [CHUCKLES]

I do believe this puts you at 200,000.

- Ooh.
- If my math is correct.

- Thank you. Uh...
- No, thank you for your sponsorship.

Thanks to you, I now have
two beautiful backers.

Just need one more. [CHUCKLES]

[RAQUEL CLEARS THROAT]

[SIGHS]

It would be my pleasure. [CHUCKLES]

[MAXINE] Feels good to give.

[SIGHS]

[MAXINE] At the Palm Royale,
the more you gave, the more you got.

And I'd gotten a seat by the pool,

but what good was it if no
one wanted to sit with me?

- [CLUB MEMBER] Ahoy there!
- [CHUCKLES]

What's Dougie Simmons's wife
doing sitting all by her lonesome?

No, no, you sit. I'll come to you.

[SIGHS, GROANS]

[CLUB MEMBER CHUCKLES]

Well, I'm Perry Donahue.

- Oh! [CHUCKLES]
- Dinah's better half. Yeah.

I missed you at her gala.

Yes, Douglas said you guys
went to prep school together.

- Congratulations on your appointment.
- Mmm.

Dinah is so proud.

She is always talking about her Perry.

Mmm. [CHUCKLES]

Ambassador to Luxembourg.

Well, that is just... [INHALES SHARPLY]

... marvelously continental.

- It is, isn't it?
- Mmm.

So tell me, behind closed doors,
what are the Nixons like?

- Pat's a hoot.
- Oh.

Bit of a heavy pour.

- I wouldn't have guessed.
- Hmm.

Mmm.

Is Dougie-buggy around or...

Oh, he's flying up there somewhere.

- [CHUCKLES]
- [PERRY] Hmm.

[MAXINE] You boys always traveling

and you leave us girls here
to amuse ourselves.

[PERRY] Did your husband tell
you about all the shenanigans

he and I got up to back in the day?

[MAXINE CHUCKLES]

- Dinah?
- Yes.

Let's have Dougie's wife
join us for a match.

- Oh!
- Huh?

Oh.

[STAMMERS] No, uh, I can't.

I don't have my whites.

Get some at the Pro Shop.

Maxine would make an odd number, Perry.

She's right.

Well. Ah, uh, ahoy! Eduardo!

Come on. Uh, come join
our little threesome.

[LAUGHS]

- Right?
- Yeah.

Dinah, this is so awkward.

You, me, your husband, your ex-lover.

Shut up and play.
You do know how, don't you?

[SCOFFS] Yeah. I'm a teensy
out of practice, but...

- [CHUCKLES]
- Just follow my lead, linda.

I taught Dinah everything she knows.

Linda?

- It means "pretty".
- Pretty.

You first, good fellow.

I wanna see what I've been paying for.

My pleasure.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

- [WHISPERING] I love you.
- [NORMAL] Can we play?

["CORAZÓN DE MELÓN" PLAYING]

Ah!

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

- [GRUNTS]
- [MAXINE GRUNTS]



Wow, you guys are good.

- [GRUNTING]
- [GRUNTS]

- [GRUNTS]
- [GRUNTS] Dang it.

- Okay, wait. Wait. It's okay.
- Eddie, I'm sorry.

It's okay, come here. Let me help you.

[SIGHS]

Just stand here. So, turn it.

- Swing it. Like that, yes.
- Okay. All right.

- You wanna open up?
- Thank you. [CHUCKLES]

- Okay. Let's go.
- Your serve, Maxine.

- I hit it!
- It's your... It's your turn to serve.

- [MAXINE] Oh.
- [EDUARDO] She's giving you the ball.

[GRUNTS]

Is there a hole in this thing?

Don't be cross with
yourself, Mrs. Dougie.

If it's a choice between
sporty and stunning,

- I choose stunning every time.
- Oh, wow.

Okay, for Christ's sakes. Fifteen all.

- What are you doing?
- I'm playing tennis.

Why don't you try and do it
yourself? Come on, let's play.

Let's play. Are you gonna serve?

- Yes, I will.
- [PERRY] All right, let's serve, then.

[WHISPERING, IN SPANISH] Te amo.

[LAUGHS]

Watch it there, Eduardo.

That one had a little bit
too much spice on it.

Hey, since Dinah has no need
for my lessons anymore,

perhaps I can coach you, Maxine.

Oh! Um, I'm more of a golf gal.

[GASPS]

I told you to take it easy.

Oh, you wanna go now? Come on, come on.

- No!
- [GROANING] Oh, God!

- Dinah, get me ice!
- Stop it!

- You're childish! All of you! God!
- [GROANS]

- Eddie!
- [DINAH] Shut up, Perry!

- [PERRY] Get me some ice!
- I-I'm gonna go check on her.

[DINAH] Flirting with my husband,
taking lessons from my lover.

It's always the new
girl you have to watch.

How long before he's whispering,
"Te amo, mi patata" into your ear?

No, no, Dinah, it's not like
that at all. I love Douglas.

And I love Eddie, but he wants
nothing to do with me.

Are you kidding me?

He just tried to k*ll
your husband out there.

That's true love if you ask me.

Eddie's so passionate,
but he's so Catholic.

If he knew I'd been pregnant...

Cross your heart you'll never tell him.

Secrets between lovers can be sexy.

Douglas doesn't know
everything about me.

Incuriosity is the ultimate
aphrodisiac. Trust me.

So you think I can still
be happy with Eddie

if I keep him in the dark?

[SIGHS] Honey, that's the only way
to be happy with him, I'm afraid.

- [PERRY] Dinah!
- [GROANS, CHUCKLES]

- Oh... Oh, Dinah!
- Yeah.

Um, I'm still one sponsor short in
cementing my position at the club.

Do you think maybe you could
talk to Evelyn in being my third?

Oh, silly goose.

So wise about some things,

- so naïve about others.
- [PERRY] Dinah!

Coming!

Toodles!

Think about it!

Is this seat taken?

- Make yourself at home.
- Ah.

[EXCLAIMS]

Maxine.

- Ann.
- Hello, Ann.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

Oh, Ann, you have such lovely toes.

Excuse me?

Long, sincere, positively Roman.

No one's ever told you that?

[CHUCKLES] People usually
praise my personality.

I'm sure that's lovely too.

- You're new in town.
- Oh, guilty as charged.

[EVELYN] That vulgar woman,

hovering over Norma like
a buzzard over roadkill.

"Douglas and I are just praying
for a miracle." [CHUCKLES]

The only miracle is that
she's made it this far.

You should have seen her
at Grayman's aping me.

- Oh.
- Absolutely no taste, no couth.

Who let her in in the first place?

- [RAQUEL] Dinah.
- [EVELYN SIGHS]

[RAQUEL] And now, Mary has seconded her.

We all make sacrifices.
Anything for fibrosis.

Well, she'll never get a third.
[CHUCKLES] Mm-mm-mm.

Norma confided in me.

[GASPS]

Before she embolized?

Yes, Mary, before she embolized.

- Long before.
- Yeah, right of course.

- "That little tramp," she says...
- Excuse me...

a little too much hot air in here.

"Tricked Douglas into marrying her.

He thought he had to."

[GASPS]

So, she was pregnant.

[RAQUEL] Mm-hmm.

[GASPS]

Yes, Mary. Right again.

[RAQUEL CHUCKLES]

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

Oh, f...

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

Please everyone, alienate no one.

Find an item for the auction and
do it with a smile, Maxine. Smile.

Don't sweat it. It just
means they noticed you.

I believe that one of the reasons

for the deep division about Vietnam,

is that many Americans
have lost confidence

in what their government has
told them about our policy.

The American...

It wasn't trickery Norma, it was love.

[SIGHS]

If you say so.

Norma? Did you say something?

Can you hear me?

[SIGHS]

Oh, God. It's just not
the way to treat family.

Now everyone thinks
I'm a liar and a fraud.

They think I'm circling,
waiting for you to die.

- Aren't you?
- [GASPS]

Norma.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

No! Of course not.

What if I am?

Answer to all my problems

would be if I could smother
you with this pillow.

I dare you to try it.
You don't have it in you.

You don't have the guts, the
pizzazz, the do-or-die sparkle.

But I could have it in me.

- [PANTS, GRUNTS]
- [STRAINING]

Die! Why won't you just
freaking die, Norma?

f*cking die already! Norma!

[PANTS]

See? [CHUCKLES]
You don't have it in you!

[GASPS] Oh, my God. Oh, my God. [PANTS]

Oh, my God.

Of course I would never do that!
Bad Maxine, bad! [SIGHS]

[NIXON] The question
of the issue is not,

- [SIGHING]
- "How did Johnson's w*r become Nixon's?"

But you sure have made
things so much harder for me.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

And there is not a gosh
darn thing in this room

for me to donate for this auction.

[NIXON] ... The fundamental issue.

Why and how did the United
States become involved

in Vietnam in the first place?

- Hmm. No.
- Fifteen years ago, North Vietnam,

with the logistical support
of communist China...

- Evelyn? Oh.
- Oh.

- Linda... [CHUCKLES] ... are you stalking me?
- [CHUCKLES]

Are you stalking me? [CHUCKLES]

I'm just visiting my husband's
aunt, Norma Dellacorte.

- Of course.
- [CHUCKLES]

I'm here visiting my father.

But that's Evelyn Rollins's
husband's room.

It is.

But if...

- Let me help, Evelyn's my stepmom.
- Your stepmom?

I took my mom's maiden
name a long time ago.

- Excuse me, Maxine, I'm late.
- Oh... [STAMMERS] Wait, Linda.

Um, did you... She's...

You're... [CHUCKLES]
... Evelyn Rollins's stepdaughter?

- Now you got it.
- But you dress like a...

indigent Mennonite railway priestess.

I am just not a sl*ve to corporate
ideals of feminine beauty.

But you're so rich.
And wonderfully thin.

My stepmother controls the estate,

and she's not very generous with it.

Sorry, Maxine. I'm late,
okay? For my circle.

I love circles. You mind if I join?

- [LINDA] Oh, okay. Yeah.
- [GASPS] Great. [CHUCKLES]

- [LINDA] Sister in need.
- Mm-hmm.

- [LINDA] After you.
- [MAXINE] Oh.

So, you can sit anywhere and,
uh, help yourself to the food.

- Sorry we're late.
- It's okay. You're so welcoming.

Linda.

Your friend seems upset. Maybe
you shouldn't have brought me.

Oh, please, are you kidding?

[CHUCKLES] Don't be silly.

Our doors are open to everyone. Enjoy.

[WHISPERING] Don't be mean.

- Mmm. Nice to see you again.
- Hmm.

How's your friend?

Oh, she's right as rain.
Thank you for asking.

Oh, is this a sign-in
sheet or something?

Uh, just a little statement of
purpose that says you agree...

- Oh.
- ... that what you hear and see here,

- stays here.
- Okay.

And also that you
denounce corporate greed,

the subjugation of women,

environmental r*pe of
indigenous lands...

- And Nixon.
- Right.

That's a lot.

[VIRGINIA] Mmm.

I understand you're writing a book.

I devoured Chariots of the Gods.

Uh, we're writing about women's power.

[GASPS] Like I Dream of Jeannie powers?

No, like Judith decapitating
Holofernes power.

Oh. Of course.

Oh, but that midriff.

And her husband? Sexy. Astronaut.

You mean the one she calls "Master"?

Jeannie is basically a sl*ve to
the m*llitary-industrial complex.

Who do you think funds NASA?

Um, I never thought about it.

Have you ever thought about
who picked that fruit?

Uh, no.

Well, we did.

It was picked by a unionized
Mexican women's collective.

So, you can eat it.

Good, I was planning to anyway.

- Yeah.
- Um, oh, do you mind if I sit here?

- [LINDA] Sure.
- Look at this.

[LINDA] Does anybody
else want some cheese

or anything before we get started?

Welcome. I'm Sylvia.

Sylvia. Look at you, bun in the oven.

- [CHUCKLES] Yeah.
- How far along are you?

- Seven months.
- Mmm.

Do you have any kids?

Douglas and I were not blessed.

Well, I'm here to build
her a better world.

What if she's a boy?

Boys can be feminists too.

[CHUCKLES] Y'all are such a hoot.

[LINDA] Sisters.

We all know what's happening
in Washington right now.

[VIRGINIA] Mm-hmm.

A million people are marching,

demanding the end of the w*r in Vietnam.

Oh! I just saw that on TV.

And you know what it makes me dream of?

It makes me dream of a million
women marching on Washington,

- demanding the end of the w*r on us.
- [FEMINISTS] Mmm.

Because the same men who are
trying to control the world,

- start by controlling our bodies.
- [FEMINISTS] Mmm.

[LINDA] Once upon a time,
we gave birth at home.

And now, male doctors put us in stirrups

and make us labor on our backs.

You know what I'm talking about.

What if we couldn't raise that child?

We're either forced to carry
it or forced into back alleys.

And we're made criminals

- just because we want the right to choose.
- [FEMINISTS] Mmm.

[LINDA] If we have these
hard conversations now,

in 20 or 30 years we won't
ever have to look back.

Our daughters will never have to
fight for their personal freedom.

Hear, hear!

So start by deciding, who's
in control of my body? Me?

Or some guy who pinches my
ass and tells me I'm pretty?

- [CHUCKLES] Right?
- [VIRGINIA] Mmm.

Somebody hurt you, didn't they?

This isn't about me, Maxine.

[WHISPERS] But why did
you ask that question?

Well, you just seem so quick
to go to the worst thought.

Friendly pinch from a man can
be kinda flattering. [CHUCKLES]

So, all attention is good attention?

[MAXINE] If it's taken
in the right spirit.

For example, just today
when I was at the club,

I accidentally overheard
some of the ladies.

And they were saying some
very ugly things about me.

And... [SIGHS] ... a lesser woman
would have just stomped off,

or gotten drunk or gone on
a m*rder spree, perhaps.

But I realized you have to
get into someone's head

to change their mind.

This is about Evelyn, am I right?

Who's Evelyn?

Her head has the most
exclusive real estate.

Exclusive all right.

No people of color. No Jews.
A real WASP's nest.

Our club has a member
who is a sugar heiress,

and she happens to be
from the island of Kuba.

So, she's a fascist?

Ladies... [CHUCKLES]
... we don't have to be enemies here.

I see us all as... as one sisterhood.

If you hadn't approached me, Linda,

offering to help my friend
exercise her choice.

Well, in doing that she ended
up sponsoring me at the club.

[CHUCKLES]

So in a manner of speaking,
I owe you everything.

Thank you.

And to that point,
I need your help again.

Just understanding your stepmom.

I think we should just take a break.

You should think about
what you're saying.

And just give everybody
five minutes, um...

Oh, try the fruit!

What is your obsession
with my stepmother?

Well, she has the wrong idea

about my marriage and my husband.

What'd Evelyn say about your husband?

Oh. Not everything needs
to be workshopped, Linda.

I have two sponsors already.

I just need Evelyn to sign.
[INHALES DEEPLY]

And then they'll accept me.

Why do you wanna be
where you're not wanted?

Isn't that what makes a revolutionary?

- Touché.
- Don't compare us to them!

Are you kidding me?

They're day drunks by the pool,

with their big hair and needing
to be part of everything

when they've got all
the money in the world

and they're f*cking this country.
[BREATHES DEEPLY]

We are women fighting for our future.

I don't have children.

So, what matters to me,
as a woman, is not the future.

[INHALES DEEPLY] What matters
to me is happiness and beauty.

Today.

And Evelyn is my key to that.

Don't waste your time, Maxine.

That woman always wins.

You're in over your head, and,
girl, you don't even know it.

I am never in over my head.

It would be disrespectful
to my hairdresser.

[MAXINE] Unwittingly, Linda had
given me the intel I needed.

If Evelyn had to win,

I could give her
something worth winning.

An auction item so spectacular

it would make her cream in her Cardin.

She'd see who was in control.

Escape and entry are two
sides of the same coin.

I was adept at both.

[GRUNTS]

Whoo!

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

I'd k*ll for that crown, Norma.

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

You'll have to do.

- [g*n COCKS]
- [GASPS, YELPS]

- Don't sh**t!
- How did you get in here?

How did you? Look, would you
put the w*apon down, please?

I live in the pool house.

Norma has never said a word about that.

'Cause she's in a coma.

This is our, what? Fourth interaction?

And the first indication that you
even know my husband's aunt.

[SCOFFS]

I find that a tad suspect.

You're the one climbing
through windows, suspect.

As a Dellacorte, I demand
to know your purpose.

I take care of the house and Norma.

Some job you're doing.

She's on death's door.

She's gotten worse?

Her embolism has traveled.

We should prepare ourselves.

No, she'll... she'll get better.

[STAMMERS] You don't know Norma.

She'll be fine.

Wait a minute.

This is why you were asking how
long I was staying around here.

You're worried about your digs.

Well, you listen to me, pal.

When Norma goes, so does your wet,

glistening, rippling, tight behind.

Out on the street.

So don't get too comfortable,
conditional pool boy.

- [KNOCKS]
- [MOTEL CLERK] Mrs. Simmons?

We really need to discuss
the bill, Mrs. Simmons.

Mrs. Simmons?

- [TV PLAYING]
- Dellacorte.

I know you're in there!

- There's a plan to end this w*r...
- [MOTEL CLERK] Mrs. Simmons!

- ... and serve the cause of peace.
- Mrs. Simmons!

Not just in Vietnam, but in
the Pacific, and the world.

[MAXINE] The auction,
of course, is the main event,

but every woman has her
own preparatory ritual.

Thank you so much.

She looks beautiful. Thank you.

Hurry along, dear. I've got
a lot of things to attend to.

- Grayman?
- Mmm?

Could I trouble you for a quaalude?

Avert your gaze.

It's no trouble.

Mm-hmm.

Mmm.

Darling, would you come zip me up?

[MAXINE] The art of getting ready
has been perfected by these women.

These rituals are sacred.

They are both the marble
and the Michelangelo.

And tonight I will take
my place among them.

Mrs. Dellacorte,

I'm honored that you trust
me with your special night.

Maxine, please.

You do so remind me of
me, not so long ago.

Oh, I'd love to be you when I grow up.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Hey, how's modeling school going?

My boyfriend says I don't
have a face for catalogs.

What?

He says, "sh*t for brains, you got
the grace God gave a sea bass."

You need to find someone that...

that treats you the way
Douglas treats me.

Someone who believes in you.

Get up. Come on, show me your walk.

Confidence.

Okay.

Let's see it.

That's no good, is it?

It wasn't bad. But Rome
wasn't built in a day.

[CHUCKLES] And neither
was a perfect sashay.

[CHUCKLES]

[AUCTIONEER] Ladies and
gentlemen of the Palm Royale,

welcome to FibBid,
an auction to battle fibrosis.

Or, as we call it at
the club, pickled liver.

[GUESTS LAUGHING]

Mmm.

[INHALES SHARPLY] All kidding aside,

our chairwoman, Mary Davidsoul,
is a real good gal.

[GUESTS APPLAUDING]

[CHUCKLES] Oh, no.

Here's to new livers.

Sit down, Mary.

So drink up and bid high.
It's for a real good cause.

Listen up, everyone. Hear! Hear!

I have an offer for the
man who has everything.

A six week sh**ting safari in Rhodesia.

Huh? Who's up for the hunt?

Courtesy of my sister's
ex brother-in-law

who practically runs Cape Canaveral,

you and a guest can have a
private tour of mission control.

Eva Peron's Gold-Gilt
Cuckoo Clock sent to me

by an old friend in Argentina.

Danke schön, Rudolf.

- [KISSES]
- [GUESTS EXCLAIM]

- [MAXINE SIGHS]
- That's Stoned Mabel.

- Stoned who?
- Norma's cat. You stole her.

I borrowed her. Norma and
I have an understanding.

How could you have an
understanding with Norma

when she's unconscious?

And what do you know about
her state of consciousness?

I haven't seen you
over at Norma's lately.

Maybe you're not a friend
at all, just a user.

Maybe you belong here after all.

Maxine? Maxine?

- Oh.
- You will never believe.

Perry was so furious
after our tennis match,

he called the club and
tried to have Eddie fired.

- Fired? Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.

But Perry was so blotto
he won't remember.

But wait, it gets better.

Once Perry passed out, I went
to see Eddie to apologize.

I couldn't get the words out before
my clothes were off. [CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS DEEPLY]

You were right, Maxine.

The secrets made it all
the sweeter and spicier.

Oop. Why don't you stay here
with me and tell me everything?

I'd catch my death out here in Siberia.

I'm a tropical flower.

You understand, of course. [CHUCKLES]

- Thanks, pal.
- [CHUCKLES]

Hello, boys!

[DOOR OPENS]

Is anyone watching the door anymore?

Evelyn, we need to talk
about Maxine Simmons.

Ah. So you sniffed her out.

I did no such thing.

It was a chance encounter
in West Palm Beach.

And hence you should return.

You don't belong here.

Well, neither does Maxine.
And you've been chatting.

I can assure you I have not.

Well, you better not. We have a deal.

Mutually assured destruction.

Stand down, Dr. Strangelove.

For once, you and I are in agreement.

The Dellacorte Simmonses will
join this club over my dead body.

Okay, good.

Nice dress Daddy bought you.

I know.

I'm wearing the open toe.

[EXCLAIMS] Flaunt it, sister!

- Mind if I join you?
- Please. Please.

So, what did you bring, Maxine?

Nothing. [CHUCKLES] It's humiliating.

Wait, is this it?

I wanted to bring something exquisite,

but I was confronted by the pool boy.

I didn't have a chance.

Why are you making that face?

Well, you're about to steal the show.

Huh?

You really don't know the
value of this, do you?

[AUCTIONEER] Table 13.
Mrs. Douglas Dellacorte.

Maxine Dellacorte is putting
up a rare stone offering

to the Egyptian goddess Bastet,

protector of women and
wife to the Sun God.

The only other two comparable
statuettes are at the British Museum

and the New York Metropolitan.

[GASPS] Mmm.

On second thought, maybe
I should hang onto...

I'll bid a 1,000.

Seems like you have something
Evelyn Rollins wants.

I'll bid 1,200.





Nice. Bid her up and
then let her have it.

- 1,500.
- [MARY SCOFFS] Oh.

I'm out. [CHUCKLES]

- Sixteen.
- 1,601.

- 2,000.
- I'm out.

$2,000?

[CHUCKLES]

$2,000 for this old stone puss?

Do I hear $2,500?

$2,500 going once, going twice...



Let her have it.



- 10,000.
- [GASPS]



- $75,000!
- [GUESTS GASPING]

Going once.

- Going twice.
- [GASPS] Oh.

Sold to Maxine Dellacorte.

- [GUESTS APPLAUDING]
- [AUCTIONEER CHATTERING]

[DINAH] Evelyn.

You win some, you lose some.

Yeah.

- Well played.
- Ooh.

- Hello, Ann.
- Oh. You know my friend Ann?

Everyone knows Ann Holiday
of the Shiny Sheet.

The Shiny Sheet?
But I know every byline.

- New editor, society column.
- [MAXINE] Oh.

So, what possessed you to
bid on your own auction item?

Ann, you were the only one
to recognize its worth.

- No one else did.
- [SCOFFS]

I simply couldn't let it go undervalued.

And, of course, all the
money goes to the Fibs.

[CHUCKLING]

The Fibs.

[LINDA] Maxine.

Linda. [CHUCKLES]
What are you doing here?

You made quite a splash in there.

Congratulations.

Linda, I've ruined everything.

Douglas is gonna leave me for sure.

- What? Why?
- [CRYING]

[SNIFFS]

Because I was 23 and I got
pregnant and... [SNIFFS]

... and we got married
and I lost the baby,

and everyone said I did it
on purpose just to trap him,

because he would tell everyone

that one day he was going to
inherit millions of dollars.

But I didn't do it on purpose.
I swear, I didn't.

[BREATHES SHAKILY]

Don't worry, Maxine.

If a man like that was gonna fly away,

he would have done it a long time ago.

- He wanted to come home to you.
- No.

Oh, no. Linda. But he was
supposed to be here!

He was supposed to be here!

[BREATHES SHAKILY]

No, he never said it.
But I could see it.

He was yearning for this. His old life.

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

And... And when I read about Norma's
embolism in the Shiny Sheet,

I just knew I had to give this to him.

And it was supposed to be a win-win.

I was gonna come here. I was
going to take care of Norma,

and then we were just gonna
seamlessly slip into this new life.

Douglas, he thought I had a plan,
but I didn't have a plan.

I didn't.

I just...

I just had a... [CHUCKLES]

Maxine.

[SIGHS]

I just had a feeling.

[SNIFFLES]

[SIGHS]

And while he's off flying American
businessmen from coast to coast,

I'm here bidding $75,000
that we don't even have

on a tacky Muslim cat that I'm
probably gonna inherit anyway.

Ancient Egypt wasn't Muslim.

I know my geography, Linda.

- [SIGHS]
- [SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[DISTANT LAUGHTER]

You really want all this, huh?

More than anything I've ever
wanted in my whole life.

[CHUCKLES]

You got a pen?

- A pen?
- Yeah.

[SNIFFLES]

Think so.

Give me your card.

I've been coming here
since I was a little girl.

Once a member, always a member.

Evelyn won't dare blackball you.

[SNIFFLES]

"Penelope Rollins"?

The old me.

My family name was a burden.

So, I changed it so I could be free.

Yeah, but, Linda?

- What's wrong with Linda?
- No, nothing.

- You know it means pretty?
- [CHUCKLES]

Whoa.

Feels good, doesn't it?

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

Goodbye, Maxine.

Have a good life.

Bye. [CHUCKLES]

Thank you. [CHUCKLES]

[ROBERT] I'm sorry
I haven't been here, Norma.

I... I didn't know if you wanted me.

[PLAYING MELANCHOLIC TUNE]

Hello?

[CLEARS THROAT]

I was just putting Stoned
Mabel back where she belongs.

You should be thrilled to know
that I just visited Norma,

and she's taken a miraculous turn.

She's breathing on her own.

She even opened her eyes.

Norma's awake?

No, the doctors called
it a-a twilight stupor.

Apparently she could go on like this
for weeks, months, years even.

Great.

So, I'm not going anywhere.

- [GASPS] Oh.
- [THUDS]

Oh.

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

[WHISPERS] Oh, no.

What are you lookin' at?

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

["DAY IS DONE" PLAYING]