01x01 - The Suite Life Sets Sail

[bunniefuu]

( Theme music playing )
- ( Phone ringing )
- Ah.

I'm Marion moseby, your cruise ship manager.

Welcome aboard.

Oh, you can get a pair just like these on the Plaza deck
-
- the shorts, not the legs.

g*ng way! London tipton coming through!
- ( Bones crunch )
- Ow! Wow! Bumpy seas.


- That was my foot.


- Well, what was it doing under my trunk? Throbbing.

Moseby, enough of your problems.

I'm on vacation! Yay me! Well, actually yay you is on this ship to attend seven seas high school.

While it may be on a cruise ship, London, this is not a vacation.

Your daddy put you on this boat so that you can't jet off to Paris for lunch and miss your afternoon classes.

I had afternoon classes? What's next, classes in the morning? There there, London.

You know, the older I get, the more I realize you have to look adversity in the eye and say, "you don't scare me.

"
- Boys: Hey, Mr.

moseby.


- ( Shrieks ) Moseby, you're shaking like a chihuahua.

Oh, it's sea breeze.

Probably shouldn't have left your pants in the dryer for so long.

Oh Hello, Carey, boys.

Did you miss us, Mr.

moseby? Oh, why, yes yes.

I mean, without you, the last three months on this floating paradise
- have been sheer t*rture.


- Zack: Well Your suffering's over.

Huh? We're going to be attending seven seas high! Huh? ( Shouting ) They said they're going to be attending seven seas high he's getting old.

Believe me, it was not an easy decision, but it's such a great opportunity and I can afford it with my employee discount, so how could I say no? Well, like this.

No! ( Splashes ) He took that better than I thought.

Oh ay oh, oh ay oh come along with me and let's head out to see what this world has for you and for me now whichever way the wind blows
- we say
- hey
-ho, let's go!
- oh ay oh
- this boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- ain't no stopping us now 'cause we're living the suite life
- oh ay oh
- this boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- rocking the whole world round and we're living the suite life now hey ho! Oh ay oh let's go! I can't believe I get to study oceanography on the ocean.

I'm gonna study anatomy Starting with her ( Clears throat ) As a study partner.

Uh
-huh.

Come on.

You know, I really hope that Mr.

moseby's okay.

Yeah, but it's almost like he wasn't happy to see us.

( Crane whirring ) Not true.

I was jumping for joy.

Now put me down! Oh!
- Ow.


- Aw.

Come on, Mr.

grumpy
-pants.

You know you're happy to see us.

Yes, I'm smiling on the inside.

Now if you'll excuse me, I think I swallowed a flounder.

( Hacking ) Here's your seven seas high manual.

Don't lose it.

It will be your life preserver Or your anchor.

Don't worry.

Your children are safe.

Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

Um, is this where we get our suite assignments? Yes, but as you can see, there's a line.

As you can see, I don't care.

My name is London tipton.


- Oh.


- But let's not make a big deal about the fact ( loudly ) That my daddy owns the boat.

Deal.

I will treat you the same as everyone else.

Back of the line! I mean if that's okay with you.


- It isn't.


- And that's okay with me.

Oh, there's the check
-in line.

It's okay, mom.

I'll take it from here.


- But, Bailey, don't you need me to sign the forms?
- Got it.


- I love you.


- I love you.

Have a good flight back to Kansas.

Give a big hug to Sally
-mae, Betty
-lynne
- and all the other chickens.


- I will.


- Now don't you forget
-
-
- I won't.

Bye.

Oh, okay.

Wear sunscreen! ( Deep voice ) Don't worry.

I put the seat down.

Whoa, check out our schedule.

and doughnuts.

and omelet bar.

Man, I love this school! Zack, that's the passenger schedule.

Here's the student schedule.

Eight hours of school and then a cheese sandwich.

( P.

A.

Chimes ) Woman over p.

A.

: Attention, All ashore that's going ashore.


- Well, guess this is
- ( Cracking ) Goodbye.


- Oh, Cody.


- Oh, mom.

Oh, man.

Oh, what am I going to do without you? Don't worry.

I've prepared six months of casseroles.

They're in the freezer.

Bake at 350° for 45 minutes.

Does that include defrosting time? No, mom, it never includes def I'll email you.

I'm gonna miss you guys so much.

Hey, mom
-
- hey, not a baby.

No, you're right.

You're not.

Don't know when it happened, but you guys grew up.

You don't need me anymore to tie your shoes or remind you to wear your sweaters, which you really should be wearing because it's very breezy out here on this deck.

Sorry, force of habit.

So okay.

Well, bye, Zack.

Bye, mom.


- Honey, you okay?
- Yeah, sure.

No problem.

See you.


- Okay.


- Mommy, don't go!
- Uck, how hideous.


- You do not like the room? No, your clothes.

You know, I really have to talk to daddy about these new maid outfits.

Oh, you think I'm
-
- no no no no no.


- I'm padma.

I'm your roommate.


- Roommate? Isn't it bad enough that daddy's making me go to this stupid sea school, now he's making me share a room with the maid?
- Oh, uh, student.


- Student maid? I hate training a new maid.

And I hate rooming with stuck
-up snobs, so I guess we're both up the Ganges without a paddle.

Look, I need my own room.

Ooh! Idea! Why don't you drop out? Ooh, better idea
-
- why don't you drop dead?
- ( Gasps )
- There is nothing you can do that will make me drop out of this school.

Really? Pick one from the top or two from the bottom.

I'm filthy rich, I'm filthy rich! Oh, hold that gangplank, I've got things to buy! Well, this is my room.

Guess this is it.

After 15 years of sharing a room, we're finally going our separate ways.


- I'll miss you.


- I'll miss you too.

Hey, I'm co
-
- holy Toledo! Nice to meet you, co
-holy.

Uh, what happened in here? Oh, I was looking for my underwear.

Oh, here it is.

You only brought one pair? Plus the pair I'm wearing.


- ( Snaps )
- Ow.

( Sneezes ) I'm Woody.

Ah.

You're one of those clean freaks.

Well, I wouldn't necessarily call myself a freak.

Better go wash my hands.

You didn't use the bathroom yet, right? Oh, yeah, I broke that puppy in.

Co
-holy? Mr.

Toledo? ( Deep voice ) Yo, I'm Bailey picket.


- 'Sup?
- Hey, broseph, what's going on?
- Zack Martin.


- ( Girly shriek ) ( Deep voice ) Oh, right, fist pound.

Whoa, what a mess.

Oh, no.

You're not one of those neat freaks, are you? Because I've dealt with one of those before.

No, man.

I'm just one of the guys.

Uh, that's my girlfriend's.

Well, I didn't think it was yours.

So, what's your girl like? She's very intelligent and she's got a great personality.

Arf arf.

Whoa.

Dude, I didn't mean to offend you.

Oh, no, I just thought I'd hang a rope and divide up the room.

I like my privacy.

Aw, you are one of those neat freaks.

No no, I'm real easygoing.

Here's the bathroom schedule.

Uh, not so sure I can go on schedule.

Helps if you eat bran.

( Labored breathing ) If you like that, wait till you hear me fart "stairway to heaven.

" That's like a 10
-minute song.

I can only do it after the Mexican buffet Which we're having tonight.

Yay.

I cannot believe you used my hairbrush
- to scratch your back.


- Back? Yeah, let's go with back.

Aw, come on! You're worse than my brother! Oh, hey, Cody.

What's going on? My roommate farts classic rock.

Cool.

Woman over p.

A.

: Attention, students.

Classroom time will begin in five minutes.

Hey, invisible voice, five minutes does not work for me.

Then why do they call him a purser? I don't know, but I do know that it is not his job to hold your purse.

Fine, then you hold it.


- Oh! Good grief, what is in this?
- My allowance.

Moving on.

This is the state
-of
-the
-art marine biology lab.

Which my daddy paid for!
- Can I go now?
- No.

Now if you'll all follow me, we will go up one deck to the planetarium.

I don't know what that is, but my daddy paid for it.


- Can I go now?
- No.

( Mutters ) Though nothing would make me happier.

Wanna feed the octopus? Yeah.

That's one good
-looking cephalopod.

Yeah, and you know, they're highly intelligent.


- They can be taught to open jars.


- Stupid jar!
- We should get a hammer.


- Yes.

Man, Woody
-
- riot.

You want him? We can switch roommates.


- You take Woody, I'll take Bailey.


- Deal.

Woody, what are you doing?
- Ooh, it's mushy.


- And delicate.


- Take this from me!
- I don't know.


- No!
- Ah ah ah ah! No no no no no.


- Can you see it?
- Yeah, it's stuck to the side of the boat.

Hold my legs and lower me down.

I think I can reach it.

Okay, I've got him.


- ( Seagulls squawking )
- Seagulls attacking! Seagulls attacking! Don't hurt the octopus! No, you're right.

It's cool.

I'll just let them peck my eyes out.

Pull me in! Are those share bears? This is a nightmare! None too pretty from this side either.

Tutweiller: Maybe they're still in the lab.

Oh! What in the world is going on here? All: Nothing.

( Chuckles ) Are those share bears? Come on! How long does it take for one guy to rinse off? ( Bailey's normal voice ) Well, excuse me for moisturizing ( Deep voice ) Which I need to do after I shave.

Shave what? You're like one of them hairless cats.

( Shower running )
- ( Shower stops )
- Hey, you see my soap on a
-
- whoa! Dude You need a haircut.

( Deep voice ) Uh, I can explain.

Please tell me the explanation is that you're a girl, because
-
- strangely attracted to you right now.

All right, all right, I'm a girl.

See, all the girl spots for this year were filled, so I applied as a guy.

And since my name is Bailey, and I did play on the boy's baseball team, it worked.

Well, it worked right up until the moment when you walked out when you were scheduled to be taking a shower and ruined the whole thing! So somehow this is my fault? Yes! Don't you knock when you leave a bathroom? Lucky I was raised by a woman, so this sort of irrational behavior doesn't throw me.

Now, wouldn't it have been easier and
-
- just thinking aloud out here
-
-
- to wait and apply next year?
- No.

And if you'd ever swilled hogs, you'd know why.

Not that I don't love kettlecorn, but it's just too little.

If you blink, you miss the whole town and suddenly you're caught up in the hustle and bustle of kettlepot.


- Ooh.


- I just can't go home now.

I can't.

You have to promise not to tell anyone I'm a girl.

Please? Please, I'm begging you.

Don't worry.

It'll be our little secret.

Woody said he's willing to trade
-
- why are you guys holding hands? Uh, secret handshake.

Yes.

Oh, by the way, I am not trading roommates.

So why didn't you want to switch roommates? Uh We figured opposites attract.

And by opposites, he means, like, in clean and messy Not like boy and girl.

Uh, why don't we go play some pool and let Cody and Woody work out their issues, huh? We have issues? No no no.

Yes.

Here, let me show you how to do it.

Thanks, Zack.

Why can't we get along like that? What are you doing?
- Uh, how about them patriots?
- Yeah.

I hate this stupid sea school
- and I hate this stupid boat.


- Hey, galaxy raider game is open.

I love this stupid boat.

Dibs on the gold headphones! They match my outfit.


- ( Game beeping, blasting )
- Woman over p.

A.

: Attention.

We will now conduct our first lifeboat drill.

Report to your assigned muster station.

( Alarm blaring ) Boy, that's a loud bell.

I can barely hear myself not think.

What does three consecutive alarm bells mean? Uh, I don't know.

Let me check.

One bell, breakfast.

Two bells, lunch.

Three bells, sinking ship.


- Sinking ship!
- ( All screaming )
- Which way?
- Uh, port! Cody: London, your other port! Hurry! The boat is already tipping over! No, you just broke your heel.


- Worse!
- Look, life jackets.

Uck! Are they all orange?
- I need to go change.


- Uh, London Look, an exit.

Let's get out of here.

One at a time.

One at a time.

All: Right.

( All yell ) ( All splash )
- We fell overboard!
- Why is the ocean so hot? Probably because it's a hot tub.

Why is there a hot tub in the middle of the ocean? Here's your hat, Bailey.

Dude, you're a girl.


- ( Clatters )
- Oh! I am? That explains so much.

Miss picket, why on earth would you masquerade as a boy? Well, I
-
- I don't know.

Yes, you do.

It was her only way to get out of popcorn, Kansas.


- Kettlecorn.


- Whatever.

This girl was meant for bigger things than to shuck hogs.

No, you shuck corn.

If you try to shuck a hog, it bites you.


- Work with me.


- Okay.

Anyways, seven seas high was Bailey's one chance to get off the farm which she's dreamed of doing her whole life.

You can't send her back to carmelcorn.

Kettlecorn! If you've ever been to kettlepot, you've driven right through it.

Well, Bailey, your application was by far the most impressive
-
- wait a minute.

What? What about my essay on barnacle reproduction? I had pictures.

Can I see them? Bailey, I'd let you stay, but unfortunately, we don't have a cabin to put you in.

She can stay in my room.

I'm willing to take one for the team.

I meant a girl's cabin.

Every girl has a roommate.

Except for me! London, thank you, thank you!
- Huh?
- London, so nice of you to offer to share your room with Bailey.

I wasn't offering, I was gloating.

Here's a diamond necklace.

Drop out.

I wouldn't drop out of this school for all the money in the world.

I can get that.

No, I want to stay here and be your b.

F.

F.

! Get o
-f
-f.

I will not share a room.

You will if you want to stay in this school.

I don't.

Hasn't anyone been listening to a single word I've said? ( Emphatically ) Stupid sea school.

Oh, it's just a big pain in the butt.


- Tutweiller: Mr.

moseby!
- Moseby: Uh
-huh.

Read this note from London.

Ech.

"I can't take it anymore.

No one understands me.

No one cares about me.

I'm going to a place where no one will ever find me.

P.

S.

Please send my luggage to daddy's villa on parrot island even though that's not where I'm going.

" What are we gonna do? Mr.

tipton is not gonna like my losing his daughter on the first day of school! ( Stammers ) You need to relax.

The point of putting London on the boat
- is that there's no way off of it.


- ( Helicopter whirring )
- You're right.


- Yes.

Except by helicopter.

Oh, my word! Can I borrow these, please? Would you Oh! And the pilot is wearing London's diamond necklace.

Oh! Frank, you turn that whirlybird around! You are so on report, Frank! Frank!
- Frank! Frank!
- Mr.

moseby.


- Mr.

moseby!
- ( Moseby yells ) ( Splashes ) Man overboard again.