01x04 - The Kidney of the Sea

[bunniefuu]

( Rock music playing ) Straighten that collar.

Suck in that gut.

Pop that zit.

What is the entire crew doing up here as opposed to
-
- oh, I don't know
-
- steering the boat?! We have a very important guest flying in on the tipton helicopter.

Your father is coming? Why didn't anyone tell me? I would've had the foghorn retuned from that melancholy b
-flat to a cheerful c.

No, not my daddy.

My doggy! Ivana's coming.

Here, hold this.

One of the cabin boys painted it for me.

It says "bone voyage.

" Get it? "Bone.

"
- Got it.


- Good, can you explain it to me? ( Groans ) Here's your four
-Berry blast
-
- boysen
-, rasp
-, blue
- and straw
-.

I only ordered three.

Then I guess you're Berry lucky.

Then I guess you won't be getting a Berry big tip.

Which will make me Berry sad.

Your turn.

( Helicopter whirring ) She's here! Just get the dog! Whoa! Oh! Oh! That way! That way! This way! Hey, Ashton! Can you believe this helicopter? I spent an hour gelling my hair.

Hold still! Don't you know how to hover?! ( Dog barking ) Ah! Snookums.

You saved me.

I can't believe you would take a cake for me.

Aw, it's no big deal.

I've still got less gunk in my hair than that guy.

Zach, that cake was supposed to be for ivana.

That would explain the liver frosting.

Here, ivana, try some.

Oh ay oh, oh ay oh come along with me and let's head out to see what this world has for you and for me now whichever way the wind blows
- we say
- hey
-ho, let's go!
- oh ay oh
- this boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- ain't no stopping us now 'cause we're living the suite life
- oh ay oh
- this boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- rocking the whole world round and we're living the suite life now hey ho! Oh ay oh let's go! Is that a freckle or a sprinkle? Ow.

You know, actually, that's my eye.

( Silent ) You got frosting on my fernucci flip
-flop.

Dude, five
-second rule you can still eat that.

Towel boy! That would be me Tragically.

Nah, actually, I'm a student here on the ship, and my brother maxed out my student cash card.

Don't care.

I asked for towel boy, not boring
-story boy.

It's not boring if you wait till the end.

Why don't you join us for dinner tonight in the grand dining room? Doesn't that sound nice, Ashton? For him, maybe.

You might enjoy eating with utensils for a change.

Dude, what gets stuck under my nails makes for a nice snack later.

You know he's not kidding, right? So you'll join us? Yeah, I'd love to grub with you guys.

Thanks for inviting me, uh
- I'm Violet.


- I'm Zach.

I'm late for pilates.

Well, thanks again.

I think we hit it off.

What are you thinking? She's in first class, and you have no class.

I'm thinking, hot babe minus the jerk equals happy Zach.

Wow.

That was almost math.

Good job, buddy.

Oh, snookums.

I'm sorry that your landing was so rough Especially since you're still recovering from your tummy tuck.


- Hi, roomie!
- ( Oinking ) Remember porkers from parrot island? He's finally out of quarantine, so I thought we could have a pet play date.

Get that pig out of here.

He does not belong where people sleep.

He's as much of a pet as ivana.

A pig isn't a pet.

It's breakfast.

( Gasps ) Don't you say that in front of porkers.


- He's very sensitive.


- And delicious.

There is no way that thing is staying in here.

Now send it to the kitchen where it belongs.

I'll have you know pigs are much smarter than dogs.

Oh, yeah? Can porkers tell the difference between a diamond and a cubic zirconium? I can't even do that.

No wonder the pig seems smart to you.

That's it.

I challenge you to a competition to see whose pet is smarter.

You're on.

And the losing pig has to swim home.

Or the losing dog has to stay in the ship's kennel.

Fine, the loser goes to the hold.

They like pretty pigs like you down in the kennel.

( Oinks ) Now porkers, you know we don't use that kind of language.

( Oinks ) I don't care if she is one.

( Gasps ) And that's why, to this day,
- I only use a left
-handed polo mallet.


- ( Mouthing along ) What a delightful horse
-att*ck anecdote.

Ladies, gentlemen Ashton.

Zach, you clean up nice.

Well, lucky my brother has eight different kinds of loofas.

You must be Violet's sister.


- Oh, please.


- Shh.

Let the boy talk.

It's a pleasure to meet you, Mrs.

berg.

Ashton: Nice tux.

Maybe you'll grow into it someday.

You know what? I admit it.

It's a little roomy.

I borrowed it from a friend.

He's a waiter here.

Good thing he's not friends with a cocktail waitress or he'd be wearing a miniskirt.

Well, I hate to brag, but I do have the legs for it.

I'm gonna sit down.

I have an announcement.

Dude, you don't gotta announce it.

Just go.

You were saying, Ashton? Why say it, when you can show it? It's the kidney of the sea.

That's one tricked
-out organ.

Louis xiv had it made for his sweetheart.

She had a kidney stone problem and once passed one the size of, well, this.

Ouch.

And now it will grace the neck of my Violet.

She loves it.

Mother, I can speak for myself.


- It is beautiful.


- And she loves it.

She can wear it to my birthday gala tomorrow night.

I'm going to be 30 Five.

Okay, 40 but that's as high as I'll go.

Come, Violet.

Let's see how your kidney sparkles under the lights of the disco ball.

Wasn't that a wonderful gift? Sure beats the candy bracelet I was gonna give her.

Cody, I want to thank you for being our referee.

I know you'll be fair And impartial.

You forgot honest.

Honestly, make sure I win But not right away.

I don't want it to be obvious.


- Obvious? You just bribed him.


- No, I didn't.


- Yeah, you did.

Yeah, you did.


- No, I didn't.

No no.


- La
-la
-la
-la.


- Cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater.

Ladies, respect the striped shirt.

( Sighs ) All right, now let's start with some basic commands.

Sit! ( Oinks ) All right, one point for porkers, one point for ivana and One point for London.

Yay! I'm tied for first place! Moving on.

And this time just for the animals
- Speak!
- ( Barks )
- ( Oinks )
- That wasn't a bark! Porkers doesn't bark.

He's a pig.

Can we have a ruling here, judgie
-wudgie? Squeal is good.

Now, animals, play dead.

Look at mommy's little girl.

She's playing dead so well, mommy's sad.

Oh, yes, she is.

Who's a smart, dead doggy? Ahem.

Check out porkers.

That's a winner, and extra points for presentation.

What part of "bribe" don't you get?
- Hi, Zach.


- Oh, hey, Violet.

What's going on? ( Squeaks ) Oh, here.

It seems I'm always cleaning food off of you.

You know, if we were apes, that would make us married.

Well, don't tell my mother.

She'd go bananas.

She doesn't like me, does she? No no, it's not that she doesn't like you.

She just likes Ashton and his money.

She's hoping there's a merger in our future.

You mean a marriage? No, merger.

Our family makes olive oil.

His makes vinegar.

Together we could have a salad dressing empire.

You know, just for the record, olive oil and vinegar don't mix.

So where's your necklace? Oh, I left it in my room.

It's a little too ostentatious for me.

I don't know about that, but it sure is flashy.

So what are you doing today? Whatever you're doing.

Well, right now, I'm just picking up empty smoothie cups.

Sounds like fun.

You've never worked a day in your life, have you? Nope, but I'd like to give it a sh*t.

Well, then today is your lucky day.


- Start picking up some empty cups.


- Okay.

Whoa whoa whoa.

Hey, wait till they're done.

( Slurping ) So are you done yet? I wanna see it.

( Sighs ) You know, it really doesn't do you justice.

Oh, just let me see it.

No, it's amazing.

I love how you made my eyes bigger than my head.

The spaceships are excellent.

I love the one with the monkey in it.

That's me.

Well, that doesn't do you justice.

( Shivers )
- Whoa, are you cold?
- A little.

I'm gonna run and get my wrap.

No no no.

I'll get it for you, my little mermaid.

Why, thank you, my little merman.

Hey, now we're going a bit too far.

I agree.

My wrap is in the top drawer of my dresser.


- I'll miss you.


- I'll miss you, too.

I'll miss you more.


- Too far again?
- No.

I just don't think those simple commands are a fair test of a dog's intelligence.

I mean, sit, speak, roll over? Those are pig tricks.

Well, according to the latest issue of "dog
-obsessed monthly," a simple way to test your animal's intelligence is to throw a towel over its head and see how long it takes them to get it off.

We'll start with ivana.

Ready, set, go.

( Snoring ) She's snoring.

She fell asleep.

Because it's dark under there, which means beddy
-bye, which shows she's smart.

Give her points for that.

Your turn, bacon bits.

( Oinks ) You don't get points for falling asleep.

You get points for shaking the towel off your head, like this.

Wow, that's a record.

Yay, that deserves a hug.

Well, if you insist.

I think this entire competition is rigged.

Oh, please.

( Snoring ) Me me me me me me me me.

( Classical music playing ) Look, I know how hard it is to put fruit in a blender and push a button, but this isn't a smoothie
-
- it's a lumpie.

( Blender whirring ) Here you are.

Enjoy your drink.

There's an empty table right behind you.

Mr.

moseby! Yes, Mrs.

berg? Do you think this ice sculpture makes me look like I have a double chin? Wait an hour.

One of them will melt.

Oh, Violet.

You look lovely But why aren't you wearing the kidney of the sea? Well, it's so valuable, I only want to wear it on special occasions.

What could be more special than my 40th birthday? Next year, when you're 50.

Your mother's right.

You should wear it.

Go get it.

Okay, the truth is I can't find it.

I look everywhere.

I tore the room apart.

Really? Well, perhaps it's been stolen.

Did I just hear the "s" word? Yes, the kidney has been stolen.

Well, have one of the little hot dogs.

They're delicious.

No, he means my diamond necklace, not the kidney of the sea.

How could you let it out of your sight? Has anyone else had access to your room? I didn't see anybody when I was up there.

I probably shouldn't have said that.

Kidney thief! Check his pockets.

Whoa, back off.

You wanna see what's in my pockets? I'll show you what's in my pockets.

In this pocket, I have a half
-eaten peanut
-butter
-and
-jelly sandwich.

And in this pocket, I have The kidney of the sea.

Good gobstoppers, that's a big rock.


- It's always the help.


- Arrest him.


- What?
- Zach.

Violet, I swear I didn't do it.

Zach, I wanna believe you, but why was the necklace in your pocket? I don't know.

I thought there was a brownie in there.

Make him walk the plank.

Sadly, our plank was removed in the late 1700s.

Furthermore, I know Zach Martin and he is many things.

He's annoying, lazy, unreliable, often unkempt, careless, reckless, tardy, obnoxious, destructive, a trifle gassy Zach is also loud, irresponsible, devious Is there a "but" coming anytime soon? And a pain in the butt.


- Thanks.


- However, he is not a thief.

Then how do you explain the necklace in his pocket? One of the diamonds is missing.

He must've sold it to feed his bubblegum habit.

I can quit anytime I want Starting tomorrow.

Obviously, he has no impulse control
-
- a sure sign of the criminal mind.

This event is the scavenger hunt.

( Oinking ) The animal who finds the most objects wins.

Bailey: We're ahead, porkers.

I know you can do this, but no matter what happens, mommy loves you.

Listen, you loser, you win this event or mommy will cancel your doggy debit card.

Ready, go! Bailey: He found the rope! You're the best and I'm not faking I won't turn you into bacon give me a "p"! No no no, not on the deck.

This is unfair.

That pig's used to being led around on a rope.

We should be looking for things that ivana knows.

I want someone to find this missing diamond.

( Growling ) Ivana, where are you going? ( Barks ) Get this filthy mutt off of me! My ivana is not a filthy mutt.

Mrs.

berg, is this the missing diamond from the necklace? It can't be.

Well, it's a perfect match.

Ashton, what was it doing in your pocket? Uh, well When I gave you the necklace, it must have fallen out.

No, you gave it to me in a box and all the diamonds were there.

You stole the necklace to try and frame me.

( Dramatic musical sting ) Yes, and I would've gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling kids and your dog! I'll get him! Stay right where you are.

That's enough.

Whoa! Okay.

Stop it! Stop it right now! Ladies and gentlemen, I just want you to know I have everything under control.

( Shrieks ) Zach, wait! Careful, ice berg dead ahead!
- Mrs.

berg: No!
- Whoa! ( Splashes ) No! I'm wearing silk! Seltzer with a little salt will take that right out.

Remember: Dab, don't rub.

Violet! Violet! Zach, take my hand! Don't ever let go.

I'll never let go.

I promise.

It's a hot tub! Just stand up! Solved a crime.

But ivana that's a lot smarter than finding some stupid rope.


- No, it isn't.


- Is so.


- Is not.


- Is so.

Judgie
-wudgie, we need a ruling.

I'm calling it a draw.

It's not enough that ivana solved a crime, now you want her to draw something?
- No, a draw is a tie.


- Ivana looks ridiculous in a tie, and she was clearly the winner.

Get your bathing suit, other white meat.

Time to swim home.

Cody: No, London, what I'm trying to say is that both pets are winners.


- That is so lame.


- Bailey: Yeah, totally.

No one likes a wishy
-washy judgie
-wudgie.

You know, we should've asked that lifeguard to be our judge.


- Yeah, he's really cute.


- And he'll take a bribe.

You guys aren't mad at me, are you? ( Squealing ) No, I'm sorry.

I don't speak pig Latin.


- ( Necklace splashes )
- Yeah I'm getting rid of last year's jewelry also.

( Splashing ) You might want to get rid of those earrings, too.