01x05 - Showgirls

[bunniefuu]

So then the dude punches the shark in the face! And surfs this k*ller tube all the way back to Honolulu where he and his hula babe feast on opacapaca With cheese.

Woody, this is a class on world culture.

You were supposed to do a report on a city, not some low
-budget surfer flick.

Hey, "waves of terror" was very educational! I learned about waves and terror! Well, you're terrifying me.

Sit.

Hawaii is in fact a beautiful state with a rich history and a wealth of natural resources.

Now who can name one of the chief exports of Hawaii?
- London?
- Huh? Can you name one of the chief exports of Hawaii? Hawaiians.


- How about coffee?
- Oh, please.

I would love a cup.

Make it a nonfat decaf with cinnamon sprinkles.

Do I look like a waitress? Never mind.

Ah, a traditional fur ushanka.

You must be doing your report on the icy capital yakutsk of Siberia's sakha Republic? Close.

I'm listening to the Red Sox game.

Okay, the next report is on Please say kettlepot.

Please say kettlepot.


- Tokyo.


- Goose darn it! Don't even come up here if everything you're about to say was in "ninja zombies 3.

" You people should be ashamed of yourselves.

Do you think this class is a joke? Yes! Unless the right answer is no!
- ( Pop music playing )
- oh
-ay
-oh! oh
-ay
-oh! come along with me let's head out to see what this world has for you and for me now whichever way the wind blows we say hey, ho, let's go!
- oh
-ay
-oh!
- this boat's rockin'
- oh
-ay
-oh!
- ain't no stopping us now 'cause we're living the suite life
- oh
-ay
-oh!
- this boat's rockin'
- oh
-ay
-oh!
- rockin' the whole world 'round and we're living the suite life now hey, ho! Oh
-ay
-oh! Lets go! I can't believe miss tutweiller didn't let me give my report on kettlepot.

I had pie charts made of actual pie.

Oops.

If it's any consolation, your homework? Delicious.

Well, you'd better go tell miss tutweiller you ate my a+.

( Both giggling ) Looks like she's busy with moseby.

Yeah, look at those two.

Do you think they're courtin'? First of all, no one's been courtin' since 1922, which, by the way, was the last time moseby had a date.

London, did you hear what moseby and tutweiller were saying? Mm! He asked her if she was free tonight and she said yes.

( Gasps ) It sounds like he was asking her out on a date.

Moseby and tutweiller sitting in a tree k
-I issing.

Please.

The only woman moseby's kissed in the past 30 years was his mother, and even she's not too thrilled about it.

And I just don't see miss tutweiller dating.

I mean, she's so uptight.

( Falsetto ) "Don't be tardy.

Do your homework.

Don't eat chalk!" Come on, let's follow them and then eavesdrop on their conversations.

London, it's not right to spy on people.

Don't think of it as spying.

Think of it as science.

We're merely observing their behavior from behind a plant.

Works for me.

So, Cody, what say tonight we take advantage of the most enticing experience this ship of dreams has to offer? Done and done.

I signed us up for the "cooking with seaweed demonstration.

" Tonight's special? Quiche a la kelp.

That sounds scrum
-diddly
-naseous.

But I'm talking about the starlight follies.

Ah, you want to look at the stars? No, we're gonna look at dancing girls! Oh, those heavenly bodies.

The kelp can wait!
- ( Clipper snips )
- Ah!
- Was that a toenail?
- Yeah.

I was aiming for the red hat.

Dude, why aren't you in your jammies? 'Cause I'm going out.

It's almost curfew.

Woody, you can't corral this wild stallion.

( Knocking pattern on door )
- What's that?
- A secret knock to let me know it's Zack.

Or someone captured Zack, put the screws to him until he gave up the secret knock!
- Or
-
-
- Zack: Or Zack wants to do the secret knock on your head! Now come on, buddy.

The show starts in 10 minutes!
- One sec.


- You guys are gonna break curfew
- to see some stupid show.


- Not just some stupid show
- the starlight follies.


- That's got ( Giggles ) Girls.

( Giggles ) I'm in.

Okay.

Wait wait.

Woody Aren't you forgetting something? Oh, right! My camera! There it is, boys.

Behind that velvet rope lies the promised land.

Tonight we become men.

Wha
-
- well, we'd better.

Because "no one under eighteen admitted
- without an adult.

"
- Hey, relax.

Age is up here.

Yeah, too bad "up here" is barely four feet off the floor.

You know what? If you carry yourself like an adult, people will believe you're one.


- Looking good, buddy.


- Hold it.

I'm gonna need to see some I.

D.

Wow.

Haven't been asked for that since law school.

You know what? Must've left it in my other pants.

Me too.

Well, I can't let you in without I.

D.

No problemo.

They're with me.

Boy, this is a baseball card.

So? It's got date of birth.

Oh, my mistake, ichiro suzuki.

Next! London? What are you doing here? It's past curfew.

Bailey and I were tailing moseby and tutweiller to prove that they're dating.

But we lost them.

Where's Bailey? ( Gasps ) I guess I lost her too! But I know where I am.

( Chuckles ) Oh, I just came up with the best idea.

London, will you be our mom? No way! I will not dress like Carey.

I have three words for those cheap Charlie outfits: Hi
-de
-ous.

He means pretend to be our mom so we can get into that show.

And best of all, what you're wearing? Perfect.

I know.

( Chuckles ) Zack: Hi, we're back.

And we brought our mom.

You're their mom? Yep.

The happiest day of my life was when the doctor told me I'd given birth to adorable identical twins.


- Ahem.


- Identical triplets.

Next! Cody: This is never going to work.

Not with that attitude, sailor.


- Where's Woody?
- Still in the drama classroom trying on costumes.

Apparently he's played a sailor before and wanted a stretch.

Ahoy there, Matey.

My shipmate Body and I thought we'd take in a show while on leave.

You're on leave from the Navy and you're spending it on a ship? We get nauseous on land.

Oh, well that makes sense.

Hold on.

Mm
-hmm, it's pretty full in there, but I guess I can squeeze in two fellow servicemen.

Fellow servicemen? You're a security guard.

That's right.

I like to think of us as the unsung sixth branch of the m*llitary
-
- the thin beige line between order and chaos! Well, you're doing a bang
-up job.

Aw, man, ( choked ) That means a lot.

Enjoy the show.

Uh
-huh.

Nice try, but I was trained by the c.

I.

A.


- You mean
-
-
- that's right.

Carl's investigative academy.

That's why I can spot a phony disguise a mile away.


- I'm here to relieve you.


- Okey
-dokey.

Let me get me a sandwich or something.

Woody, you're a genius.

After you, body.

( Chuckles ) What do you mean your replacement showed up? Oh! You there, freeze! See I told you! Kirby He's not a real security guard.

He's a student.

And this uniform is from last semester's school play
-
- "a sweet trip to candy town.

" Is what he's saying true, sheriff sherbet?
- Well, actually
-
-
- Kirby, Kirby, his badge is a cookie.

Hmm? And it's missing one point.

Keeping the peace makes me hungry.

Oh, just get get get get get get.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the starlight dancers! ( Burlesque music playing ) I think I'm in love.

With which one? Her.

No her.

Her.

No her.

Her.

Sorry, boys, but I told you
-
- dang.

Show's over.

So just then, down comes her stiletto heel this close to our faces.

This close.


- Greatest experience of my life.


- I'm telling you.

You went to the starlight follies to stare at scantily
-clad women? No!
- Uh
- What? No.

I went for the music.

The band was awesome.

The ira dinkelman combo? Off the hizzy.


- Good morning, class.


- Good morning, queen tut.

Okay.

First report
-
- Zack.

Vegas, baby
-
- the place to be.

It's all about the cards though.

You need to know when to hold 'em, when to fold 'em and when to deal 'em Wow, someone who's actually getting a lower grade than Woody.

Yes.

Oh my Zack, is there a problem? No, just, you know, shuffling.

Cody, I need your help now! See if you can find a heart.

Found it.


- ( Clamoring )
- Hey hey! So the showgirl with the great legs
- was tutweiller.


- No way.


- Way.


- No way.


- Way.


- No way! I'll handle this.

Way.

But she couldn't have been in the show last night.

She was on a date with Mr.

moseby.

Uh, did you see her? Well, we were following them,
- but then we lost her.


- Then that's not proof.

She was in the show.

We saw her anklet.


- Did you see her face?
- No.


- Then that's not proof.


- Proof of what? ( All stammer ) Proof that There are an infinite amount of prime numbers.

Whoa, who knew? You know? Infinite.

Oh, I love that you guys are discussing academics outside of the classroom.

I guess I've inspired you.

I get a kick out of that.

( Burlesque music playing )
- ( Music stops )
- Why are you boys staring at me?
- Uhh
- Look, I mean, first we're not paying enough attention to you; now we're paying too much? We can't win with you! Meanwhile, miss tutweiller probably wants to go back to her room to get ready for her date.

Oh, I don't have a date tonight.

Oh, if you really have no plans, then I guess you're free to tutor me tonight? Tutor you? You wrote tomorrow's lesson plan.

Then tutor Zack.

He's as dumb as cork.

Dumber.

Cork serves a function in society.

I can't tutor anyone this evening.

I actually do have plans.

( Gasps ) Really? Anyone special? Bailey, from 9:00 to 3:00, I'm all yours.


- After that, I'm all
-
-
- whose?
- Whose are you?!
- All mine.

Miss tutweiller, may I talk to you in private for a moment, please? Of course, Mr.

moseby.

Anything for you.

Are moseby and tutweiller off on another date? Yep.

They're having a "private moment.

" She said she'd do anything for him.


- It's a date!
- No no no.

I'm sure her plans are another performance in the starlight follies.

Nuh
-uh.

She's keeping moseby after school.

You know what? That's it.

We're gonna go back to that show tonight and get you your proof.


- How are you gonna do that?
- Don't worry, baby.

I've got a plan.

What other plans you got? What are you talking about? It's a great plan.

A really great plan.

Okay, so if tutweiller's under one of those masks, we're right.

And if she's not, then you're right and she's dating moseby.

Either way, loving the plan.


- Where's Woody?
- He was caught by the hall monitor.

He's not very good at tiptoeing.


- Wow!
- Bailey: What? I look good in glitter! You know, London is really into this I don't see why you need me to wear a showgirl costume too.

It's part of the plan.

Don't question the plan.

Whoa.

Easy, tiger.

Sorry, it's just Such a great plan.


- You go there.

I'll go there.


- Got it.

( Grunts ) Ooh.


- ( Both gasp )
- No no.


- Love your shoes though.


- Excuse me.

Thank you.

None of them are wearing anklets.

I knew miss tutweiller wouldn't do this.


- Let's get out of here.


- In a second.

I need more glitter.

You're on, ladies.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

What? Oh no, I can't
-
- we're not
-
- help! Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the starlight dancers! ( Burlesque music playing )
- London: Get out here!
- I can't! If you screw up, just smile and sell it! Here's something you could probably do, cowgirl.

Bailey: Wait a minute, I'm stuck.

( Grunting ) London, help! Where do you think the girls went?! Hey, what are you boys doing back here?
- Looking for our friends.


- Oh, there they are.

Hey! Found 'em.


- What do we do?
- Smile and sell it.


- What are you doing out here?
- Looking fabulous.


- No one's wearing an anklet.


- Well, maybe she took it off.

You were gonna check under all their face masks! And we gotta hide 'cause there's Kirby! Oh! Get your own hiding place! Mind if I borrow your lid? Ta
-da! Bailey, let's get to the stage! Okay.

Coming.

Hi.

Sorry.

Pardon me.

Oh.

Never mind.

Keep going.

Good show, ladies.

Good kicks!
- Oh, hi, London.


- Hey!
- Hey, Bailey!
- What? Have you found miss tutweiller yet?
- I did.


- Good.

Which one is she? The one standing next to moseby by the door.

( Gasps ) Oh no! Run! I cannot believe you would sneak into a restricted show
- On a school night!
- Dressed as showgirls?! How did you know where we were? Woody gave you up.


- ( All groan )
- I raised his grade to a d+ and he sang like a canary.

It was the boys' plan.

They thought you were one of the showgirls.

The girls thought you and Mr.

moseby were dating.

( Shouts ) The girls thought you and Mr.

moseby were dating!
- You're shouting.


- ( Shouting ) Oh, sorry! That drum really messed up my hearing! And you're messing up mine.

We told you she wasn't in the show.

Maybe not tonight, but how does that explain the anklet? ( Shouts ) But how does that explain the anklet?! Okay, so maybe she's a showgirl and dating moseby.


- Can we all agree on that?
- Oh, please.

A showgirl is so out of moseby's league.


- Excuse me?
- And miss tutweiller is way too old to be a showgirl.

Excuse me! It is none of your business whether I am a showgirl or not, or dating Mr.

moseby or not.

And that would be a not on both.

I don't care what you do as long as I can be in next week's show.

Where you and your cohorts are going to be is in detention.

( All groan ) ( Shouts ) Why was she talking about her pension?!
- That was a close one.


- Yes it was.

Thanks again for filling in for Annabelle in the show last night.

Yeah, well to tell you the truth, I had fun.

As much as I love teaching, I do miss my days in the chorus line.


- Ha!
- Oh my
-
- you just kick so high.

It's wonderful.


- Thank you.


- Brava.

Do you believe the kids actually thought we were dating? Oh, I know.

How.

silly.

Ridiculous.

( Chuckles ) As if I see you as anything other than a teacher.

( Burlesque music playing ) ( Record scratches )
- ( Music continues )
- ( Sighs )