01x14 - When in Rome..

[bunniefuu]

Coming right up, one "prune madness" for you and one "super fruity" for the amazing beauty.

Since when does the help make improper advances
- at the passengers?
- Since I started working here?
- Daddy, he was just
-
-
- hush, Olivia.

And you
-
- uck.

That is so funny.

Every adult gives me the same nickname.

Do you know who you just spoke to? Uh, the guy sunbathing in the suit and tie? Wait, let me guess.

The president of the I
-like
-to
-sweat club.

No, that's Monroe cabot, the Dean of admissions at Harvard university.

I'd do anything to make a great impression on him.

Consider it done.

Grab a towel.

Why? What are you going to do? I'm getting you into Harvard.

( Monotone ) Here is your prune madness.

Uh
-oh, I'm tripping.

Oh, what the
-
-
- of all the
-
-
- oh, if only someone had a towel! Uh, r
-right here, sir.

Let me get that for you.

That's a handsome cashmere so one should dab, not rub.

Thank you, young man.

( Chuckles ) Not a problem, Mr.

cabot.

It's an honor to be serving a Harvard man.

How do you know who my father is? I'll handle this, Olivia.

How do you know who I am? He knows everything there is to know about Harvard.

Go ahead, Cody.

Tell him how many bricks there are in the Harvard yard.

I went there last summer.

Counted 'em.

Going to Harvard is my life's dream.

Well, Harvard can use bright young men like you.

Thank you, sir.


- And you
-
-
- I know uck.


- ( Pop music playing )
- oh
-ay
-oh! oh
-ay
-oh! come along with me let's head out to see what this world has for you and for me now whichever way the wind blows we say hey, ho, let's go!
- oh
-ay
-oh!
- this boat's rockin'
- oh
-ay
-oh!
- ain't no stopping us now 'cause we're living the suite life
- oh
-ay
-oh!
- this boat's rockin'
- oh
-ay
-oh!
- rockin' the whole world round and we're living the suite life now hey, ho! Oh
-ay
-oh! Let's go! ( Alarm clock ringing, clucking ) ( Crows ) Rise and shine.

Shine and rise.

The cows need milking, so open your eyes.

It's 6:00 A.

M.

look, why do you always have to get up so early? The early bird catches the worm.

Is that what you farm folk eat for breakfast? It's an expression.

You know like "You're as dumb as a post.

" I don't get it.

When I asked you to go to sleep last night, you stayed on the phone chit
-chatting till all hours.

It was 7:30! Even the old people were still awake playing bingo.

That's because they did well in school and can spell "bingo.

" There's only one solution to this problem: Tonight you go sleep in that big white hammock outside.


- That's a lifeboat.


- I know.

And take your chirpy chicken with ya.

Hey, Olivia.

Want some watermelon? I'd love some, but my daddy says I'm not supposed to talk to you.

You don't have to talk.

Just sit, eat and spit seeds into this towel.

Wow, the towel boy must hate you.

Yes.

Mm.

This is so sweet.

Well, if you like things that are sweet, how about a date with me? I'd love to, but unfortunately I can only go out with boys my father approves of.


- So I guess you haven't dated
-
-
- ever.

Never.

Never dated.

He wouldn't even let me have an imaginary boyfriend.


- Really?
- Yeah.

But I had one anyway.

His name was Chad.

Go away, Chad.

Well, I know of a way to have a real boyfriend that your father will approve of.

You're going to become a boring stick
-in
-the
-mud? No, not when I can borrow one Cody.

But I don't want to date Cody.

Oh, no one does.

Just trust me.

I hate Zack.

I hate Zack.


- Hi, Zack.


- Hey, buddy.

Look, I really like Olivia so I need you to pretend to date her.

See, my father won't let me date Zack because he thinks he's a worthless good
-for
-nothing loser.

Your father's an excellent judge of character.

But my father likes you.

He does? Oh, joy! So all you need to do is pick up Olivia and then hand her over to me.

At the end of the date, you take her home.

Why in the world would I do that? Hello? More face time with Mr.

Harvard.

Ah.

Good point.

I'll do it.

But how will I explain it to Bailey? Who's Bailey? My brother's secret love.

He loves her, but he keeps it a secret From her.

You know, I really wish we got tickets to the earlier show.

At this rate, I won't be in bed before 10:30 and then I won't be able to wake up early.

Hmm.

I did not think of that.

Dumb as a post.

Come on, the show's starting.

( Fanfare ) Ladies and gentlemen, welcome! I am enzo biscotti, the world's greatest hypnotist
-
- according to "cruise weekly.

" May I have some volunteers from the audience?
- Oh oh!
- How about this lovely couple?
- Okay!
- What? No.

Come on! It'll be fun.


- Yeah, like dinner with your mother?
- Shh! Let's hear it for the happy couple! Okay! I am now going to put you under.


- Are you ready?
- Yes!
- No.

Yes.


- Okay.

Just relax.

Focus on the sound of my voice and only my voice.

You are getting sleepy.

You feel more and more relaxed, falling deeper and deeper asleep.

And on the count of three, you will go under.

One two three! You will now act like the person next to you.

( Snaps ) I don't hate your mother.

But if I did, who could blame me? Now get out of the way.

I'm trying to watch the game.

( Whimpering ) You pay more attention to the Yankees than you do to me.

That is a ding
-dong riot.

( Southern accent ) That is a ding
-dong riot! And remember, young man, my daughter's curfew is 10:00.

Glad to hear that, sir.

But I intend to have her home by 9:30.

on the fiesta deck.


- Excellent.


- I also took the liberty of jotting down my cell phone number, my pager, my email address and Internet link that will show you where I am within 50 feet
-
- thanks to a global
-positioning system in my boxers.

Well done.

Looking more like a Harvard man by the minute.

( Sniffles ) Thank you, sir.

What took you so long? You're cutting into my babe time.

( Giggles ) I'm his babe.

Only until 9:30.

Don't forget her curfew.

Hello? Curfew! Gesundheit! London, isn't that my nightgown? ( Southern accent ) Yessiree! I hope it's okay I borrowed it.

Don't I look purdy? Wait a minute.

Are you making fun of my clothes again? Heck, no! I love your clothing, especially this nightie.

It's warm and comfortable and totally unflattering! What about your handmade silk pajamas from Paris? Too flashy.

Now we better get to bed.

I set the chicken for 5:30.


- A.

M.

?
- Of course, silly Billy.

You know, you've been acting really weird ever since we went to that hypnotist's show.

Have not! Here, hold this.

What are you doing? I want to practice my milking.

I want to be just like you.

I'll have a glass for you in a minute.

Oh! I get it.

When that hypnotist said "be like the person next to you," you became like me.

You're under post
-hypnotic suggestion.

I don't know what that means, but I do know that piggy and I have to get up early, scrub the bathroom, wax the floor and stop hogging all your closet space.

Now what were you saying?
- Nothin'.


- Okey
-doke.

Nighty
-night.

Don't let the bedbugs bite.

All right, Olivia.

Get ready to go from dude to dud.

( Laughing ) ( Mock laughing ) Thanks.

Where have you guys been? Olivia has to be home in 30 seconds.

We had a crazy night.

We danced, ate mini hot dogs, and for three whole hours I didn't have to say "yes, daddy.

" Zack is so dreamy.


- ( Chuckles )
- Yeah yeah yeah.

Save it for your blogs.

I have to get you home to dad in Five, four, three, two Ah, right on time.

Very good, young man.

Thank you, sir.

Permission to shake your daughter's hand? Permission granted.

No squeezing.

Of course not.

Good night, Cody.

Good night, Olivia.

Later, babe! Sorry.

I hate this tree.

It's so leafy, all this foliage.

"Later, babe"? ( Grunts ) ( Elevator bell dings ) Whee
-ew! I am plumb tuckered out.

I told you you'd love square dancin'.

Who wouldn't? It's more fun than a basket of kittens.

Plus it's wholesome exercise.

You're telling me.

I'm getting calf muscles like a wrassler.

Just
-
- ( Giggles ) I sure love this new London.

Yep, I'd rather go to the rodeo than shop on "rodeo.

" So what should we do next? Read "the farmer's almanac" or make clothes out of household items? Well, they both sound Jim
-dandy,
- but I was sorta hopin'
- Yeah? We could make each other friendship bracelets.


- Yes!
- Both: Out of alfalfa! ( Squeals ) You're late Again.

Daddy and Cody were blabbing about Harvard again.

He's talking scholarship.

You see? I told you this arrangement would all work out.

Come on, babe.

Uh, don't forget her curfew! She has to be home by 9:30! ( Screams ) What happens at 9:30? Applying for a loan? My credit is impeccable.

( Giggling ) No no, the waterslide on the fiesta deck closes.

( Silent ) Yeah, that looks awesome, but I'm too scared to go on it.

Really? It's not so bad if you slide down with a partner.

How would both of us go down the slide at once? Easy.

If I may You would go in first and I would follow closely behind and wrap my arms around you like this.

As long as you're in my arms, you're completely safe.


- Cody, where is my daughter?
- ( Thuds ) Huh? Where is Olivia? Uh
-
- uh, Olivia She's in the ladies' room.

( Chuckles nervously ) Wow, been in there a long time.


- Who's Olivia?
- She's my daughter and this boy's date.

Cody, that's so sweet.

You're dating someone? Uh no, I'm not dating anyone.

I mean, we just started dating.

It's completely casual in the most devoted kind of way.

Okay, well, good luck to you lovebirds.

I gotta go teach London what "calico" means.


- Who is that girl?
- No one, sir.

Just met her.

A complete stranger.

No involvement at all.

Then why were your arms around her? Sea sickness, sir.

I was helping her to not fall over.

I'll go get Olivia.

( Sighs ) The ocean's beautiful.

So what are we gonna do tonight? I don't know.

How about this? ( Kissing ) You wearing a retainer? Here's your daughter, good as ever.

I'm sorry, daddy, but I stopped by the gift shop.

Cody said you went to the ladies' room.

Actually there's a gift shop in the ladies' room.

It's huge.

And there's a day spa.

Not
-
- not that I would know.

( Chuckles ) Help me.

Uh, you don't have to worry about anything, daddy.

Cody was a perfect gentleman.

Carry on.

See you at 9:30.

Oh, what the hey? Okay, you can take your hands off my girl now.

So far you're doing better on my date than I am.

( Scoffs ) Her father thinks we're an item, I had to get friendly with her.

You were looking a little too friendly if you ask me.


- Do you think I enjoyed that?
- You didn't?
- No, I did.


- You did? Not in the way you think.

And not in the way you think either.

Just go on your stupid date already.

Come on, babe.

I've got tickets to see that hypnotist guy.

I'm already in a trance.

Oh
-ee! Ringer! Oh.


- London, what on earth are you doing?
- Pitchin' horseshoes! You wanna play? You against me.

Works out perfectly, like two June bugs on a peach pit.

You don't play horseshoes indoors.

That's what the people downstairs said.

Maybe I'll just practice my ropin'.

Roping? Since when do you rope? London! Hey, watch it.

You're gonna
-
- no! The other direction! Get along, little Bailey! Get along! I didn't get
-
- London! Wait, stop! Stop right now!
- ( Grunts )
- What was my time? It's time for you and me to have a little talk.

Wow, you're good at this.

Okay.


- London.


- Mmm, not now, hopalong.

I'm right in the middle of a really great book.


- "Getting to know your tractor"?
- Can't put it down.

Chapter four, "fun with plowing.

" Will you stop talking about tractors? You want to talk about combines? No.

London, untie me.

Look, the truth is you're acting this way because you're under a hypnotic spell.

You're not really a farm girl.

( Gasps ) Course, I am! And I will always be.

I want to marry someone named clem and have three children, one of each.

This isn't you! Well, the one
-of
-each part was, but
-
- I'm gonna snap you out of this.

Hoo
-ee! That was like standing by a silo in a lightning storm.

Okay, enough with the farm talk
-
- silo this, corn that.

Oh my word, no wonder you find me annoying.

We gotta go find that hypnotist.

( Gasps ) But my tractor book, I want to know how it ends.

When I snap my fingers, you will become a race car.


- ( Snaps )
- Vroom! Vroom! Vroom! ( Imitating car sounds ) That race car is my date.

Uh
-oh.

You have a flat tire.

Buh
-bump buh
-bump buh
-bump.

Wait, Mr.

biscotti! Here's another volunteer.


- Excuse me?
- My friend London was in your audience the other night and accidentally got hypnotized.


- Now she thinks she's me.


- Okay, so So she's annoying.

I can't get her to be her again.

I even tried this.

Now you're annoying.

But I'll still help.

Olivia, put it in park.

Oh, looky here.

There are more people out there than fleas on a hound dog.

London, I want you to relax so I can put you in a trance.

Look, I am sorry, I cannot be hypn
-
- sleep! When I snap my fingers, you'll become the person you really are, not the person anyone else wants you to be.

Get ready to become your real self.

( Snaps ) Hey, how'd I get up here.

I was sitting over there? ( Screams ) How did these hideous clothes get on me? I'm wearing plaid! ( Screaming ) She's fine now.


- Now then
-
-
- sorry, there's something I need to do.


- What's that?
- Have fun! Live! Cut loose! Whoo
-hoo! Hey wait! If you're gonna cut loose, cut loose with me! Oh no.

Not again.

Cody! Cody! Cody!
- Have you seen Olivia?
- Don't tell me you lost our date! I didn't lose her, she lost me.

So we went to that hypnotist's show and he was all, like, ooh
-ooh! And she was all, like, vroom vroom! And next thing you know, she went whoo
-hoo! And now I can't find her! Well, as long as you have a reasonable explanation.

Whoo! Look out below!
- ( Olivia chattering )
- Olivia, I've been looking all over for you! Did you try the crow's nest?
- No!
- Well, ya should.

It's easy to get to if you know how to climb.

Ooh! Hot tub! Last one is a rotten egg! Olivia, no! No! No!
- Don't jump!
- ( Splashing ) ( Squeals ) The water feels great! Ooh, I want a rubber ducky.


- She's all yours, dude.


- Are you serious?
- I can't take her home like that.

Fix her.


- I don't know how! I can't even figure out how to work velcro shoes.

Do you know what her father's going to say when he sees her? ( Squeaks ) What did you do to my little girl? What's going on? Uh, well, I, uh
-
- I'll tell you what's going on, daddy.


- I'm not dating the brainy nerd.


- That would be me.


- What?
- I'm dating his brother.

The hot bad boy.

Ha.

Guilty as charged.

Olivia, you disobeyed me.

Why? Because I felt like it.

Daddy, please stop telling me what to do and who to date.

And another thing, I don't want to go to Harvard.

I want to be a sponge diver because I love water! ( Squeals ) You're never going to date my daughter again! And you! You can forget about getting into Harvard.

When I'm done with you, you'll be lucky to get into clown college.

( Whimpering ) I don't like clown college.

Whoa whoa whoa.

Wait a minute.


- Don't blame him, he was just helping me out.


- All the more reason.

Hey, listen, buddy.

You'll never get a better candidate for Harvard.

He's got a 5.

0 grade
-point average.

He's brilliant.

He's written a novel, three cook books, an opera, all of my papers and he even got a patent on a mechanical spice rack.

And if Harvard is too stupid to recognize those qualities, then it's your loss.

( Sighs ) Come on, buddy.

There are plenty of other colleges like the one that sounds like the big fish.

You mean Yale? Yeah, Yale.

He's going to Yale.


- Uck!
- The dorms are nicer! And they have an atomic particle accelerator! ( Scoffs ) Well, Harvard had one of those.

But it broke.

Yeah, that's because no one there knows how to factor negative isotomic transition.


- Mmm!
- Do you know how to do that? Yeah.

But I'm going to Yale.

And I'm going to be a fountain! Throw pennies at me! Oh, dude, you got change for a dollar? So you raise? Well, I fold.

Hey, Cody.


- Hi, Bailey.


- Hey, you know how we were talking about the waterslide
- on the fiesta deck?
- Yeah.

And that I would feel safer if I went down the slide in somebody's arms? Yeah.

Yeah! I tried it with Frank.

And you were right.

It's fabulous.

You should try it with your girlfriend.

I hate Frank!