01x15 - Shipnotized

[bunniefuu]

No no no.

No, come back.

Come on! Oh! Oh, Cody! Good good good.

I have 300 guests coming onboard in India, and my computer keeps shutting down.

Sounds like every girl after Cody talks to them.

Sorry, I wish I could help, but Zack and I are off on a trek up mt.

Kangchenjunga, the fourth highest Mountain in the world after Everest, k2, and the pile of dirty laundry in Zack's cabin.

We're off in search of the world's preeminent yoga master
-
- swami bhanu kapatu.

I've studied his shaktis, memorized his mantras, contemplated his kumbaka.

I looked him up on the web.

He wears a funny hat.

Cody, I find it admirable that you're pursuing spiritual enlightenment.

Zack, why the heck are you going? Cody says we're gonna find nirvana.

I bet she's hot.

I'm going to tell him nirvana's not a girl after we reach the top of the Mountain.


- Eh?
- Mmm.

Oh ay oh, oh ay oh come along with me and let's head out to see what this world has for you and for me now whichever way the wind blows
- we say
- hey
-ho, let's go!
- oh ay oh
- this boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- ain't no stopping us now 'cause we're living the suite life
- oh ay oh
- this boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- rocking the whole world round and we're living the suite life now hey ho! Oh ay oh let's go! ( Knocks on door )
- Come in.


- Oh, London, thank goodness you're here.


- Who are you?
- Padma.


- Huh?
- Your old roommate.


- Huh?
- Your maid?
- Student maid.


- Oh, hey, how have you been? Fine until now.

I need your help.

You need a recommendation? No, I need you to pretend I'm your roommate.


- Why?
- Well, I've been using the emeralds from the necklace you gave me to pay for my auntie and me to go on a worldwide shopping spree.

Ooh, shopping, that's my favorite kind of spree.

What did the big one buy you? A month on a tropical island with a two
-story hut.

Wait, never mind.

My mother thinks I've been at this school, and now that we've docked in India, she's coming for a visit.

If she finds out I've been shopping instead of studying, she'll get so mad, her face will be as red as the bindi on her forehead.

I'd love to help you.

Well, actually I wouldn't.

But either way, I already have a roommate.


- Bailey.


- Wait, you didn't bribe her to leave? I tried but she can't be bought.

That girl was not raised right.

Where is she now? Oh, she signed up for a school trip to see the taj mahal, but I'd rather go to a shopping mahal.

So your roommate is gone?
- Mm
-hmm.


- Great, that makes it even easier.


- But you can't
-
-
- please, it is just until my mom leaves, and then I'll be off the boat and back to the boutiques.

That is a noble pursuit, my sister.


- I must help you.


- Great! Okay, so just smile, nod, and don't say anything.

Perfect.

Oh, wow! That was the most invigorating climb of my life.

( Wheezing ) ( Coughing ) I need to go back.

I think I dropped a lung.

Wow.

Isn't this place amazing? Can't you just feel that energy? I can't even feel my legs.

Plus there's nowhere comfortable to just lie down and die.

The center is designed for function, not comfort.

In order to achieve enlightenment, one must embrace simplicity and give up their worldly possessions.

Oh, I am not giving up my cell phone.

I just downloaded the funky frog ringtone.

( Ringtone playing ) Ribbit, ribbit ribbit ribbit ribbit ribbit ribbit ribbit.

Put that away, put that away.

There he is.

That's kapatu.

His hat's even funnier in person.

Namaste, swami bhanu kapatu.

Yo, yogi, where's boo boo? Wow, first time I ever heard that one.

Welcome.

I see you have made the journey of the foot and the spirit to my humble sanctuary.

What do you seek? Right now? The men's room? We've come to study your yogic teachings.

Then you have arrived at a fortuitous time.

A class is about to begin.

Excellent.

Bring on the babes.

Um, where are all the girls? This class is strictly male.

It makes it easier to focus on your higher self.

Unfortunately, not what I was hoping to focus on.

And once, when I got an a
-minus in chemistry, my mom got so mad, she made me clean out our mongoose cage.

Oh, big deal.

When I flunked kindergarten, my dad cut my allowance to one pony per week.

It was t*rture.

( Knocks on door )
- Woman: Padma?
- It's my mother.


- Go ahead.


- Okay.

Come in, mommy.

( Speaking hindi ) Mommy, I'm so happy to see you.

Let me introduce you to my roommate, London.

Hello, I am gitanjali.

Ooh, that's kind of hard to pronounce.

Got a last name? Shinivasanvaswanathan.

How about a nickname? You like "Buffy"? You know, padma has told me all about you in her letters.

I understand you are a very studious girl.

Absolutely.

They don't come any studiouser than me.

What part of smiling and nodding don't you understand? Oh, right, right.

What is this? Well, I did a little shopping at some of the ports.

It's so Western and not very attractive.

I told her not to buy that tablecloth with buttons.

You sent me to the sea school to experience new things, like the Hillbilly washboard jug band.

"Featuring one
-eyed slim and his singing donkey"? She'll be coming 'round the Mountain when she comes ( Mimics donkey ) Oh, oh.

Very good.

Now we finish with the corpse pose.

That I can do.

Namaste.

I hope I have helped you on the path to enlightenment.

Oh, absolutely.

This has been a life
-altering experience.

Thank you and may your path to nirvana be as smooth as the pebbles in the great river Ganges.

And may my spine someday regain its original shape.

Swami: One thing.

I'm afraid the path to enlightenment is a toll road.

The class fee is $20.

Oh, of course.

Sorry.

And mat rental
-
- the same.

Oh, right, right.

And a little something for the sitar player.

You rock, laji! ( Sitar riff ) Phone recording: Thank you for holding.

Your call is very important to us.

Well, if it's so important to you, why don't you let me talk to a real person? Are you talking to a leprechaun? Yes, London, yeah, I am.

Ask him where he buys pots for his gold.

I need a new one.


- It's not a leprechaun.


- Oh.

I'm on hold with tech support, which is something else I now believe doesn't exist.

Thank you for your patience.

Thank goodness! A real person.

There are now only 643 callers in front of you.

You may be able to find a solution to your problem on our website.

Well, I could if my computer were working! This is the sky deck again.

I thought you were going to show me the twisty slide.

I brought my water wings.

I'll get you a drink at the juice bar.


- Who's that?
- Who? Buffy? She's a business associate of daddy's.

She owns the oldest deli in new Delhi.

Ironical, huh? We're thinking of serving their knishes in all of the tipton hotels.


- Hello, London.


- Buffy, I'd like you to meet moseby.

It's very nice to meet you.

I'm on hold.

Endless hold.

Mr.

moseby manages the hotel part of the ship.

Yes and Mr.

tipton also has me manage this one.

Then you must know London's roommate.

Oh, sure, yeah.

Great girl.

Yes, very smart.

Funny too.

She's into all that hog
-calling and square
-dancing.

Really, that does not sound like my
-
- kind of thing! Of course it's not.

We're gonna go have some delicious knishes.

Recording on phone: There are now only 642 callers in front of you.

( Growls ) I got you a banana fofana.

These Americans and their funny
-sounding names for everything.

By the way, what is a knish? I don't ka
-know.

Padma, shouldn't we go study? We have that big test in Geometrology.

Geometrology? What is that? It is the study of the shape of the planets.

Yes.

Are they round? Are they square? I don't know.

Let's go find out.

Wait wait, I smell something fishy here.

Well, we are on the ocean.

Right, okay.

Fishy? No, nothing fishy.

I have been at this sea school since you dropped me off six months ago.

Yeah, it's not as if she's been pretending to be here while she's really been flying around the world shopping.

Oh, oh.

The problem is You have become too westernized.

I don't like these cowboy clothes.

Oh, right, because cowboys and Indians are sworn enemies.

Now I hear you are doing square
-calling and hog
-dancing? It is not right.


- Well, but
-
-
- ( Speaks hindi ) I sent you here to study and not fritter your time away like some frivolous ferengi.

I have decided.

You are moving back to our village.


- What? No.


- I will call your brothers to come move your things.


- But, but
-
-
- ( Speaks hindi ) Oh, this is terrible.

I cannot go back to our little village.

It is so boring, even our elephant ran off to join the circus.

Well, what are you gonna do? See ya! Not so fast.

If you don't help me, I'm going to tell Mr.

moseby how you forced me to leave, and you will be expelled.

If I get kicked out, daddy will send me to m*llitary school, and I hate camouflage clothing.

They're so hard to find in my closet.

Six bucks for lemonade? Well, it's a little steep, but you do get to keep the cool swami sippy cup.

All right, everyone, don't forget to buy your swami swag.

Perhaps a t
-shirt? "My yogi bends over backwards for me"? Excuse me, swami.

I couldn't help but notice that you seem to be doing a lot of business here.

I mean, video games? Cool, "sitar hero.

" Why are you selling all this stuff? Well, there are a lot of costs involved in the upkeep of a center.

Plus, people like them.

Come on, Cody, let's blow this tourist trap.

Oh, you cannot leave now.

Night is when the cobras come out.

It is too dangerous to leave until morning.

What are we going to do?
- You are welcome to stay here.


- Oh, thank you so much.

We're out of cash.

No problem, my little disciples.

We can work something out.

Man, all this sweat is disgusting.

Well, mop it up or sleep in it, 'cause that's where our beds go.

We need a plan to stop my mother from taking me home.

Come on, think! I do something nice like give you that necklace, and you repay me by making me think? That necklace was a bribe,
- and now your karma is coming back.


- My car's coming back? With my chauffeur and everything? No.

Karma.

It's a cosmic principle that says what goes around comes around.

You did something wrong and now you need to fix it.

Well, how am I supposed to do that? By helping me trick my mother into thinking that I'm still in touch with my traditions.

Trick? What about your karma? I don't believe in all that mumbo jumbo.

Now go pick up your sister's things and skip anything you would wear to a hoedown, whatever that is.

( Indian music plays ) Padma? That is my daughter! Thanks for doing this, moseby.

This'll really help with the deli deal.

The things I do for your father.

What kind of dance are you doing? Oh, sorry, sorry.

I got caught up in the hold music.

What? Yes! No, no, I'm here! I'm here, yes.

I have my laptop right here.

Okay, right, got it.

Hold down control, shift
-
- say that again? Enter.

Alt
-f7.

I don't have enough hands.

Oh, yes, that's helping.

No, I meant the hands that are on the keyboard.

Not you, I need you.

Don't transfer me! No, no! Oh, great.

Disconnected.

( Moseby playing pungi ) ( Gong sounds ) And to think I was worried she had become so westernized.

I think it worked.

Wave! Men: Aum ( Holding syllable )
- Where's the snooze bar?
- Ow! Men: Ow What the heck? We are having our sunrise meditation class and did not want to wake you.

Couldn't you save your sunrise class for noon? Men: Noon
- ( Grunts )
- ( Men stop ) There is still room in the class if you wish to join.

Only $35.

No, we're out of money.

I came here for spiritual enlightenment, and the only thing that's been enlightened is my wallet.

Ah, then you have learned a valuable lesson.

Oh, I get it.

This has all been for some higher purpose.

I knew you would come through for us.


- What did I learn?
- Never climb a Mountain without a credit card.

Come on, Zack.

It's a long trek down the Mountain.

For $9, you can take the cable car.

There's a cable car? It doesn't matter because we're broke anyway.

If it's money you're in need of, I can provide employment.

Deal.


- ( Phones ringing )
- What is all this? Excuse me.

( American accent ) Thank you for calling tech support.

This is Steve.

Please hold.

Dipanchu, your break was over five minutes ago! Oh, you've gotta be kidding me.

What does any of this have to do with purifying the soul? Everything.

Right livelihood is one of the elements of the noble eightfold path.

Just because one practices healthy living and meditation does not mean he has to live like a peasant.

It doesn't? I thought swamis were supposed to take care of others.

I do.

Charity begins at "aum.

" Men: Aum The poor get donations from all my businesses
-
- the yoga school, the call center, the toasted sandwich franchise.

So wait, let me get this straight.

This place is just the base of your worldwide corporate operation? Absolutely.

Bhanu kapatu industries is a billion
-dollar business.

Dude! You are my guru! Thank you, Cody.

I have achieved enlightenment.

Yeah, I've had my eyes opened too.

I assumed to achieve spiritual bliss, you had to be a penniless mystic.

What's blissful about that? Sounds like a bummer to me.

Now finish your shift.

You don't want to miss lady's yogaerobics.

Talk about achieving bliss.

I love this guy.

Thank you for a wonderful visit.

The two highlights
-
- your lovely dance, and the twisty slide.

It was rad, yeah? Well, it was a pleasure to meet you, Buffy.

Oh and mazel tov on the knish deal.

What are you saying to me? Nothing, he's talking on the phone.

Ordering lunch.


- I'll have a pastrami on rye!
- ( Groans ) I don't understand.

I thought you were an associate of London's father.

No, I am London's roommate's mother.

You're Bailey's mother? Who is this Bailey? My daughter is padma
-
- a student here.

I've never seen her before yesterday.

That's because I'm always in my cabin studying.

Yep, that's us.

Study buddies.

Really, London? Study buddies? What is going on here? The truth is, I never went to school here and I've been traveling the world with auntie manjula.

That woman.

She has always been a pain in my bundi.

Now you, you are coming back to our village, where you will do nothing but study and clean the mongoose cage.

Well, good luck to you.

No no no.

Karma's not going to punish me alone.

Since we're telling the truth here, you should know that London
-
- has something to say! Sure, padma messed up, but this ship is a place for second chances.

I got kicked out of more schools than you can count.

Well, than I can count, anyway, but since daddy sent me here, I think I'm a more responsible person.


- Just ask moseby.


- That is true.

She's only tried to escape a handful of times, and none at all in the last two weeks.


- You have managed to keep her here?
- Yes.

Focused on her studies? Okay.

Mommy, I am truly sorry.

Please, may I go to school here? Please, please? Yes.

Next semester.

All right, mommy.

When the time is right, padma will be welcomed back.

And I can assure you that when she graduates, she will be an intelligent, confident woman, not unlike yourself.

Oh, Mr.

moseby, I see you can charm more than just snakes.

Goodbye, London, and thanks for trying to help.

At least I won't have to live a lie anymore.

Besides, who needs to fly around the world traveling and shopping all the time? Me! I hate this stupid sea school.

I'm running away! If you put me down now, I'll buy you both sports cars! I'll throw in a driver! Oh, finally! Yeah, I've been on hold for two days.

My computer is completely frozen.

No, I don't think covering it with a blankie will help.

Yo, dip, I'm totally punking this guy on line five.

Stick to the script.

Have we solved all your issues today? Zack? What are you doing there? Please hold for a supervisor.

Hello, how may I help you?
- Cody?
- Yes? What are you doing working at a call center? Can't chat right now, Mr.

moseby.

I have like But what about my comp
-
- ( dial tone ) No!