01x17 - The Wrong Stuff

[bunniefuu]

- Do you see dad?
- Not yet.

I can't wait.

A whole weekend of just guy stuff! Please try not to un
-guy it.

Don't worry.

I went with the musk
-scented hand sanitizer
-
- musk.


- Hey, guys!
- Both: Dad! You guys look great! Hold on a second.

Something smells like a zoo.

Sorry I'm a little bit late, but my cab driver, she was hot.

Nice.

Did you get the digits? Cha.

And she waived the bridge toll.

So are you boys
-
- pardon me
-
- are you men
- ready for a crazy guys' weekend?
- Both: Oh, yeah! Nothing but late nights, piles of junk food
- Both: Mmm!
- Hanging out by the pool,
- scoping out the hot
-
-
- both: Mom?
- Hot moms?
- Surprise! Oh ay oh, oh ay oh come along with me and let's head out to see what this world has for you and for me now whichever way the wind blows
- we say
- hey
-ho, let's go!
- oh ay oh
- this boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- ain't no stopping us now 'cause we're living the suite life
- oh ay oh
- this boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- rocking the whole world round and we're living the suite life now hey ho! Oh ay oh let's go! I'm so happy to see my babies.

Mom, we're men now.

We shave.

Yep.

First Monday of every month.

Carey, what are you doing here? I knew you had a little gig in L.

A.

So I thought I'd fly out so we could have a nice little family weekend.

Little? I am writing the music for a television show about two frogs who live in a cup.


- Oh.


- No, it's great.

I love "croak and dagger.

" My back is k*lling me.

Cheap Charlie's started their own airline.

They cut fares by eliminating frivolous amenities like seats and bathrooms.

So why don't the boys and I go have some guy fun while you rest up?
- Oh yes.


- Great idea! I get it.

I crashed your guys' weekend.

All: No! Not at all.


- Maybe a little.


- Totally.

All right, you guys go ahead, have some guy time.

As a hot single mom, I'll have a little guy time of my own.

Hi.

All: Eww! Ah, Carey, Kurt, what a lovely family tableau! Mr.

moseby, it's so good to see you!
- Here's your bill.


- I haven't even checked in.

It's for everything the boys have broken since they've been onboard.

An anchor? Zack, how do you break an anchor? Why do you always assume it was me? Okay, it was me.

But in my defense, I was trying to impress a girl.

It worked.

( Laughs ) You think it's so funny, you pay for it.

How do you break a propeller? Easy.

You drop an anchor on it.

( Phone ringing ) Oh, it's mother.

For once she actually remembered my birthday.

Hello, mother! Oh, you called to tell me the cat likes the hat you made for him.

Ah, matching mittens for the kittens.

Isn't that wonderful? It isn't even their birthday.

Oh, it is? Yes, mother, I'm sorry I didn't send a card.

I'll get one out next week.

Okay, I love you.

Bye.

Even though you forgot my birthday again! ( Gasps ) Moseby, it's your birthday? You have a birthday? Since when? Pretty much since the day I was born.

Hence the term birthday.

Oh, I never put that together.

So how old are you? Age is but a number.

I have a feeling I can't count that high.

Well, that's just the cherry on top of the birthday cake I didn't get.

Aw, who's a sad birthday boy? Don't worry, I'm gonna get you the best present ever.


- Hmm.


- What size pony do you ride? I don't ride ponies.

I know.

They can be pretty scary.

It's so nice eating together like a family again.

But you miss my cooking though, right?
- Nobody cooks like you.


- Delicious.


- Scrumptious.


- Your lasagna! ( All laugh ) All right, enough chit
-chat.

I think we've waited a suitable amount of time before asking this.

Both: What did you bring us? What did you bring us? I got you something awesome.

B.

R.

B.

All right, mom.

Looks like you're up first.

Well, my gift to you was flying out to be here.

But a present is supposed to be something we want.

And what we want is to spend more time with you.


- I love you, mommy.


- ( Laughs ) I love you too, which is why I got you these.

Both: Socks? There might be a little something special inside of them.

If it's more hug coupons, I still haven't used up last year's.

By the way, you're the only one who accepts them.

Awesome!
- Thanks, mom.


- Actually it's a bond.

We have to wait five years to cash it.

I couldn't afford stocks and bonds so I got you socks and bonds.

Get it? Wow, this is a great gift, mom.

( Horn beeping ) ( Tires screech ) But not as great as that! Whoa! Sweet ride! Well, boys, I always promised you I would teach you how to drive once you got your learner's permit, and being out in the middle of the ocean wasn't gonna stop me.


- Can we drive it now?
- Of course.

I'm not gonna get you something you can't use for five years.


- Who wants to go first?
- Both: I do I do I do!
- It's my day! It's my day!
- Whoa whoa whoa.

Wait wait.

Shouldn't we check the tire pressure first? Mmm, prudent.

Sucker! ( Crying ) It's okay, honey.

You'll get your turn.

I know.

Zack ran over my foot! What do you mean, they quit? Try and find someone else! Happy Birthday, moseby! I hope you love it.

I'm sorry I couldn't find any wrapping paper, so I wrapped it in $100 bills.

I love it already!
- Take one
- Oh, I hate when people try and save the paper! Whoa
-
- aw, you're taking
-
- it's a diamond buffer! It's beautiful, but I don't have any diamonds.

I do, and boy would this baby make them sparkle! Would you like it? Really? Oh, thank you! This is the best your birthday ever.

Why don't you look happy? Because, London, it's customary when you buy someone a gift you get them something they would like.

Oh.

But you don't like anything.

You're a bitter little man full of hate.

Well, this day just gets better and better.

Ooh! Ooh! Idea! In order to get you the perfect present, I'm gonna learn everything there is to know about you.

How do you plan to do that? By never leaving your side! So, what do you do for a living? I'm a ventriloquist.

( Gasps ) Do you have a dummy? Oh, yes I do.

What is taking so long?
- It's my turn to drive already!
- ( Horn beeps ) Carey: Here they come.

Yeah.

They should be here in five hours.

Carey: Good job, sweetie! That's my little defensive driver.

Did you ever get above one mile an hour? Once, when an old lady pushed us out of her way.

All right, my turn.

Get out, flash.

You know, this has been the best visit ever.

Too bad you guys can't stay any longer.

All right, ready to burn some rubber, dad?
- Careful, sweetie.


- Your mom's right.

Did you check your mirrors? Oh.

Yep, I look good.

Well, you are my son.

Okay, that's enough.

Both hands on the wheel.

Dad, relax.

Hello, ladies! Watch out for the waiter!
- Watch out for mom!
- Be careful! Watch out for the
-
- ( crash ) Juice bar.

Zack honey, are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.


- I'm good too.


- Favorite song?
- ( Gasps ) My heavens! Hmm.

Likes gospel music.

Favorite animal?
- Zack!
- Ah.

A combination of a zebra and a yak.

Well, of course it was you.

I gotta take some of the blame for this one.

The car was my gift to the boys.

For the record, that's why I went with socks.

This is just what I needed.

First my mother forgets my birthday and then my lounge singers jump ship in Seattle, and now you have left skid marks on my sky deck!
- It's your birthday?
- Here, have some socks.

Happy Birthday, Mr.

moseby! What is so happy about it?
- At least no one got hurt.


- ( Growls ) Not yet, anyway.

I feel terrible about this.

I'm gonna bail you out.

You forget about your lounge singers.

Tonight, you have got yourself a rock legend.

You're not a rock legend just because you wear pants that are too tight.

My guests are expecting a famous husband
-and
-wife duo.

What about a completely unknown divorced duo?
- I'm not singing with him!
- Oh, no way.

I'll rip up the bill for the anchor.

Both: la! You know, we could do a couple of numbers from "paper or plastic?"
- Oh!
- What's that? It's a musical about a supermarket your dad and I did together.

It's where we met.

But dad told me he met you at one of his concerts
- when you flung your
-
-
- I never said that.

If you guys are a hit, maybe you could stay onboard permanently.


- Permanently?
- While we're traveling the world, doing our thing, becoming young men? Yeah! You said how much you love having us here.

Now it never has to end! Both: Yay.

Listen, let's run the finish.

Now that I've found you my love will surround you I know I'll never roam it's so fantastic paper or plastic together we found a new home!
- You were good.


- Don't act so surprised.

Oh, bravo! Brava!
- Wasn't that great?
- No, it wasn't.

Are you joking? They're wonderful.

They were fantastic.

That one note
-
- look.

If they do good, they'll be stuck here on the boat.

It's bad enough I'm already stuck here with you.

This is just like old times, isn't it? I can't wait to meet all your little friends.

Ow.

Get used to it.

If she stays, she'll be pinching our cheek every day in front of girls all over the world.

They'll be mocking us in 45 different languages! Hey guys, what say after this we go over to the pool and surf down the water slide? Whoa! Will do, dad.

How old does he think he is? I know.

It's embarrassing.

I guess there's only one thing we can do.

Put on mustaches and change our names? Or make sure their show tanks so they're not asked to stay.

That's evil! You're getting more and more like me.

I know.

I'm worried.

Favorite book? "The complete history of the pocket hanky"
-
- first edition, not that paperback with the foreword by prince Charles.


- Who's your favorite famous person?
- Prince Charles.

I am a mass of contradictions.

London, I have work to do.

But I need to learn everything about you.

How much more do you need to know?
- Favorite play?
- Go away.


- Favorite movie?
- Go away.


- Based on the play?
- Please go away?
- Is that the sequel?
- ( Screams ) "Screams like a girl.

" Oh! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to an evening of singing under the stars.

Tonight we have a very special treat for you.

Reprising their roles from the off
-off
-Broadway production "paper and plastic," please welcome Carey and Kurt Martin! All right.

Ready to make mom and dad look bad? I think whoever made the costumes already did that.

Glitter should be a flavor, not the whole meal! Commence phase one.

Roaming the aisles looking for smiles all day long the little kids shove me hear how I squeal with my wobbly wheel how could anyone love me? I'm soup of tomato not of potato I'm the delicate type Sound system's a Nakamura 450.

Piece of cake.

With a dent in my rump
- how long can I
- program universal remote.


- Now that I've found you
- ( Cd track changes ) I roam looking for smiles all day long little kids shove me
- hear how I squeal
- ( Cd track changes ) With my wobbly with my wobbly ( Banging ) Wheel how could anyone love me? I'm soup of tomato not of potato I'm the delicate type I'm red and I'm plump with a dent in my rump how long can I ever stay ripe?! now that I've found you my love will surround you ( straining ) Now I know I'll never roam! it's so fantastic, paper or plastic together, we found a new home.

Both: Ta
-da! Oh, who am I kidding? Okay.

A little more tape and I will have salvaged enough wrapping paper to buy myself a real gift.

Oh, that's perfect! Thanks.

What? No.

Happy Birthday! Thank you, London, but my birthday was yesterday.

I'm early for next year.

And I got you the perfect gift.

Maria travano.

My favorite opera singer.

I don't know how you listen to this stuff.

I played it and dead fish rose to the surface.

Nevertheless, I love it, London.

Thank you.

Wait.

There's more.

It's a pocket hanky display case.

With days of the week! London, this is wonderful.

That is something I will use every day and cherish forever.


- Thank you.


- Oh, wait.

I saved the best for last.

What are these? They're "London, leave me alone" coupons.

See? That's me waving goodbye.

Oh! That's adorable.

I got idea when I saw these hug coupons in the garbage.

I realized the thing you liked most is when I leave you alone, so there you go.

Wait a minute.

That is not true.

I love being with you, London.


- Really?
- Yes.

I love being with me too.

I'm so pretty and charming and fun to shop with.

Want to go shopping with me? I'll let you tell me how good I look in stuff! Eh? Eh? Ooh, and we can go all day long and you can carry my bags.

It'll be so
-
-
- use your turn signal!
- There is no turn signal! Then use your hand signal, and not the one you gave me when I told you to slow down.

Hi, guys.

Hey, what are you guys doing in your costumes? Getting ready for our show tonight.

Both: What? But your show stunk.

You got boos from a ship that was just passing by.

We had a few lighting and sound glitches, but we'll fix them.

Yeah, and great news, zackster: I'm gonna be bunking with you.


- Really?
- Yeah, we can borrow each other's pants.

And I'm gonna be right down the hall.

I can tuck you in bed at night and make sure you go potty first.

Mom, dad, we're not kids anymore.

Really? You sure? Yeah, because mature people would come and talk to us and let us know they don't want us to stay on the boat.

Yeah, whereas kids would do something stupid, like, I don't know, sabotage our show.

I think they're onto us.

Zack, I could smell your sock all the way down here onstage.

Look, guys, we didn't really take the job.


- Oh, thank goodness.


- Yes! I mean, really? Yes, really.

Why didn't you just tell us if you didn't want us to stay? You seemed so happy about us all being together.

We didn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you that we're almost 16 now and we don't want you guys barging in here and embarrassing us.

Thanks for sparing our feelings.

( Sniffs ) We understand, but next time be mature enough to tell us to our faces.

Yeah, talk to us
-
- man to man, or man to can.

I'm sorry, guys.

Yeah, really sorry.

I know it may be embarrassing, but no matter how old you get, you're always gonna be my little boys.


- Oh, mommy!
- Oh, mom.

Chicks to stern! Can it, mom! Hey, ladies, want a ride? This baby's a 12 volt.

Aren't those stars beautiful? They're almost as sparkly as your eyes.

Oh, it looks like you forgot to lock your door.

( Imitates lock ) ( Siren wails )
- ( Police radio )
- Is there a problem, officer? License and registration, please.

Well, I don't have a license and I don't have the registration, but would you take a hug coupon? Step out of the vehicle, sir.

You're going downtown.

And by downtown, I mean your cabin.

Come on, come on.

Wait for me.

You could do so much better.

Good evening.

Care to take a spin around the sky deck? I once got this baby up to five.

Put your seat belt on.

I'm a demon.

Slow down! Wait up!