02x01 - The Spy Who Shoved Me

[bunniefuu]

( Theme music playing ) Bye.

See ya! ( Giggles ) Whoa! Zack! What are you doing? Shh! Come here.

I'm playing a prank on Woody.

You see, yesterday he salted my pudding cup.

You don't salt a man's pudding cup! Men don't eat pudding cups.

So when Woody sees the plate of free goodies, he'll pick it up, which will pull the fishing line which is attached to a bucket of freezing ocean water on the upper deck which will plummet to the earth getting said Woody soaking wet Which will make me laugh until I wet myself.

And yet you never have time to do your homework.

Whatcha doing? Zack's playing a prank on you.

( Lever releasing ) Ahh! Is this somebody's idea of a joke? What is going on here? Zack just drenched Becky muldoon.

Uh
-oh.

She's captain of the wrestling team
-
- the boys' wrestling team! Who did this?
- He did.


- This guy.

Right here.

I can explain.

You can explain after I b*at you into tiny Zack pieces.

( Speaking gibberish ) Miss muldoon, will you please put him down? Oh! Uh, thank you.

Yeah, thanks.

Moseby may have saved you for now, but meet me here at 3:00.

And bring bandages.

You know, I'm sure that tough
-girl thing
-
- that's just an act.

Ahhhh! That's one heck of an act.

Oh ay oh, oh ay oh come along with me and let's head out to see what this world has for you and for me now whichever way the wind blows
- we say
- hey
-ho, let's go!
- oh ay oh
- this boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- ain't no stopping us now 'cause we're living the suite life
- oh ay oh
- this boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- rocking the whole world round and we're living the suite life now hey ho! Oh ay oh let's go!
- Oh!
- London.

I see you have your backpack.

You're ready for today's quiz? Yep! Pillow to rest my "wittle" head on while everyone else takes the quiz; night mask to cover my "wittle" eyes so I can nap while everyone else takes the quiz; and for later, a "wittle" fashion magazine to read since I'll have detention for sleeping while everyone else took the quiz.

London, you have to try a "wittle" harder.

Look, I told your father you would do better at school.

I am! I didn't fail anything last semester.

I got straight "d"s.

Look, London, you have to do better, for my sake! I just don't want to let your father down.

I mean, the last person that let your father down
-
- actually, we don't know what happened to the last person
- that let your father down.


- I miss Uncle Teddy.

Oh! Well, don't worry, moseby.

If worse comes to worst, I can set you up with a new name and life in the andes mountains.

How do you feel about being a goat herder? How would you feel if I took away your diamond polisher? ( Gasps ) Punish me, but not my babies! Ah, don't hurt me! It's just me.

I thought you were Becky coming to pummel me early.

Man, I've been so nervous today.

I've already sweated through three shirts.


- Me too.


- What are you worried about? Nothing! But if you want to win the fight, I have a great move.

Okay, come at me.


- What are you doing?
- It's called the armadillo.

It protects the face and all vital organs.


- That's it?
- Oh, no, there's more: Please don't hurt me, please don't hurt me, please don't hurt me! Man, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen.

Ahhh! Please don't hurt me, please don't hurt me, please don't hurt me! Ahh, it's the armadillo! Okay, define the placebo effect.

It's what happens when you give someone a sugar pill and tell them it's medicine, and because they believe it will help them, it does.

Kind of like when your mommy kisses your boo boo.

All I know is that you're my little boo boo! ( Giggles ) Are you guys studying in here because moseby told you to study in front of me? No, we're just doing our homework
-
- something you should try.

Why should I do your homework? If we don't ask you to do our homework for us, will this conversation be over? Look, I'm just not a very good student.

Oh, and don't blame me if moseby goes missing.

I'm guessing Mr.

tipton threatened moseby to get London's grades up.

I bet I could help her get at least a "b" on the final if she would just let me tutor her.


- I'll take that bet.


- You're on.

Ha, please.

Better than you have tried.


- Meaning you?
- Yes.

And I once taught a monkey to divide fractions and make a k*ller banana torte.


- Was the monkey Zack?
- Maybe.

( Laughing ) London, have you ever marveled at how beautiful math can be? ( Laughs ) Bailey, there are few things I marvel at: A diamond the size of a cat, a dress made out of solid gold, and me! But math? No.

These problems aren't that hard.

Okay, take this one: Your bus leaves the station at
-
- ( laughing ) I would never take the bus.

I would take my private jet.

Fine.

Your private jet leave the bus station at 6:00 A.

M.

get up that early.

What time do you think you're gonna get there? I don't know.

Ask my chauffeur.

He's the one driving me.

So let's assume that your chauffeur has gotten you to your private jet at, say, noon.


- But
-
-
- you'll have lunch on the plane! Goody! Wait, what are we having? Ah, so I see the tutoring is going well.

Oh, Bailey's an even worse teacher than you.

I mean, you didn't teach me anything either, but at least you gave me treats.

Study break! We just started.

Might as well give up now.

No.

We still have time before that final.

I know inside London there's a smart girl screaming to get out.

Yeah, she's screaming, "help, I'm trapped inside a dimwit!" Stop saying that.

I just need to get her to focus.

Not gonna happen, unless you got some magic potion.

Or a placebo.

Man, what am I gonna do? You know, if I dodge Becky, everyone'll think I'm a wimp.

But if I stay here and get my butt kicked by a girl, everyone'll think I'm a wimp! If I kick her butt
-
- Martin! Ho ho! You know what I'm gonna do to you? This is your head now.

Ahhhh! Oops.

That's your head when I'm done with you.

I'm guessing kicking her butt isn't an option.

You know, Becky, what say instead of getting in a tussle and making some poor crew man mop up my blood from the deck, we just shake hands and let bygones be bygones? You know what? You're right, you're right.

Put her there.

Does anyone else see a bright white light? Grammy, is that you? Ahhh! Look Becky, I have nothing against you.

I've always liked you.


- Yeah, right!
- Ow! I did that prank to, um, get close to you.

I've always admired you since I saw you punch out that shark.

Really? Really! You know, in fact, you might even say I have a crush on you, kind of like what your butt is doing to my ribcage.

Oh, please.

Ahh! Are you saying you did all this because you want to go out with me? ( High voice ) Isn't it obvious? Okay, yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

Friday at 8:00 Right after you help them raise the anchor.

See ya.

( All screaming ) Wow.

When did you start liking Becky? When my spine went through my chest.

Ready for school? Almost.

I just have some last
-minute studying to do for this quiz.

Okay, let me see: A
-squared plus b
-squared equals, um.

Equals ( Spraying ) Oh, that's right
-
- c
-squared.

Magic perfume, what would I do without you? Uh, Bailey? Why are you thanking your perfume? I'm gonna give you my secret w*apon for doing well in school.

Oh! Perfume that smells like donkey? It's made with special amino acids, vitamins and minerals that when combined seep through the pores of your skin and act as a brain
-neuron enhancer.

Huh? Stinky help you thinky.

Oh! It has smarticle particles? Yes.

It'll make everything easier to understand, and help you to focus.


- And I'll be a better student?
- Yes.


- My daddy'll be proud of me?
- Yes.

And moseby won't have to become a goat herder? Yeah! Huh? Oh! Let's do it.

( Spraying ) Whoo! My brain is tingling.

I feel smarter already.

I think I need another spritz.

( Horn blows ) Oh, look, another ship.

Aren't the lights pretty? Where? Here.

( Grunts ) For the fifth time tonight, please stop lifting me.

Sorry.

Habit.

Which reminds me, I have a big wrestling match this weekend.

We're taking on a visiting team from the Ukraine.

Oh, daggummit! Means I won't be able to see you.

No.

You'll be in the stands cheering me on with the other guys' girlfriends.

Right? So now I'm a girlfriend? Which reminds me, I signed you up to bring the team snack.

Well, I have to go use the little girls' room.

Will you miss me? I can't.

You're still here.

Okay.

Bye.

Wow.

I think she really likes you.

Man, I can't take this anymore.

I need to break up with Becky.

First I have to make lemon squares for 12.

Can you make it 13? ( Bell ringing ) So what'd you get? An "a.

" Same old, same old.

What'd you get? I got a "c+"! A "c"
-pl
-
- pl
-
- plus? And it's all thanks to Bailey! I told you you could do it.

You're the bestestest teacher in the whole widestest world! We'll
-
- we'll work on grammar next week.

I have to admit, I'm impressed.


- How'd you do it?
- Easy.

I was patient, organized
-
- make sure you have enough of that magic brain perfume so I can ace the final! Yeah! And you lied.

I prefer the word inspired.


- Lied.


- Motivated?
- Lied.


- Integrated?
- Lied.


- Enlightened? Lied.

What are you doing? I'm trying to make myself look ugly so Becky will break up with me.

But it can't be done! I don't have a bad angle.

Why was I cursed with these drop
-dead good looks? Let's not forget your charming modesty.

I know.

I'm the complete package.

Look, woodford, I need your help.

How do you repel girls? Well, it usually starts right after I say hello.


- Oh.


- Besides, they're usually interested in some other guy.

Wait, that's it! You're a genius.

I am? Yes! I need you to woo and win Becky muldoon.

I told you, I'm not good with females.

Don't you worry, plywood.

I'm gonna teach you how to flirt.

Oh! Okay, now just pretend this is Becky.

Now watch and learn.

Excuse me, but Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Ooh, that's good.

I know.

Or Are you from Tennessee? 'Cause you're the only Okay, now you try.

Hey, there.

Did it hurt when you fell from Tennessee? Oh, no no no.

That's wrong.

That's wrong.

You know what? Just be bold And sweep her off her feet.

"Come here, gorgeous.

Ooh, I'm sorry.

I just couldn't help myself.

" Okay, now you try.

Hey there, gorgeous.

I'm sorry, but I just couldn't help myse
-
- elf! Uh, Zack? I think I broke Becky.

I can't believe London thinks that cheap perfume is making her smart.

Cheap? All right, you bought me that perfume.

That's how I know it's cheap.

Well, cheap or not, it made her smart.


- So pay up.


- Uh The bet was a "b" on the final, and the final's not till tomorrow.

Meanwhile, I'm sure London's back to figuring out how doorknobs work.

Good day, fellow smarty
-arties.

Uh, London, I love this new look.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

It's your basic smart
-person look.

So are we discussing something smart? We're talking about Cody's job.

Mmm.

Is it a smart job? I hand out towels.

Are they smart towels? Yeah, they absorb everything.

So does my brain! Oh, and it's all thanks to Bailey's tutoring.

I don't know.

Don't you smell
-
- shouldn't you be studying? Oh, that's right.

I even called my daddy and told him I plan on getting an "a.

" So bring like a bucket of that smart perfume! Okay.

London, is it true? I heard from your teacher you got a "c.

" Nope.

Oh! I got a "c+"! P
-p
-p
-plus! Oh, joy of joys! London, I haven't been this proud of you since you learned that socks don't go over your head.

Keep up the good work! Oh! I don't have to herd goats! I don't have to herd goats! I don't have to herd goats! Wow, I'm good.

I made someone smarter, but I also saved a bunch of goats from a dangerously inexperienced herder.

I still don't think it's fair that you lied to London about that perfume.

Hey, a bet's a bet.

You never said I couldn't use a placebo.

Well, are you ever going to tell London that it's just ordinary perfume and it can't make her smart? What London doesn't know won't hurt her.

And in her case, that's a lot.

Hey, London, how's it going? I'm not really smart.

I just smell smart.

Well, that was odd, even for London.

Hey, woodchuck.

You clean up nicely.

Oh, okay, now remember what I told you.

You go over there and you sweep Becky off her feet.

Okay.

But if she hurts me, it's on your conscience.

I'll take that chance.

Hey there, Becky.

I just wanted to know if it hurt When you fell from heaven.

No.

But it's gonna hurt when I throw you from the crow's nest.

'Kay.

But I wanted to know if you're from Tennessee, because you're the only Get it? 10? Like you're hot.

You think I'm hot? Yeah! Wow, this herbal shampoo is really paying off! But you should know that I'm with somebody.

Okay.

Uh, look, Becky Oh, jeez! Ooh, what is this I see? My best friend in the arms of my best girl? Zack, you don't understand.

No, I do understand, you two
-timer! This relationship is over.

Zack.

Zack, it's not what you think.

No, words cannot help.

I must try and mend my broken heart with a pudding cup.


- Oh Zack, please!
- Haven't you hurt me enough? Armadillo! Please don't hurt me! Please don't hurt me! Please don't hurt me!
- Hey, what's up, London? You look kinda down.


- I am.


- I don't suppose you have a perfume for that.


- What do you mean? I mean, I know all about your phony
-baloney perfume.

How did you find out? I overheard you and Cody talking about fooling me with that fake perfume that's just a gazebo.

But on the bright side, it did get you to study.

And you got a better grade.

You've always been able to do it, on your own.

No, I can't! I'll never be smart again! ( Wailing ) And I like being smart! You can still be smart.

You just have to believe in yourself.

( Wailing ) Believe in yourself, and Use my special smart lipstick.

You have special smart lipstick? Yeah, here.

It's working! I feel smarter already! Oh! You even look smarter.

Let me at that final! You know, it hurts being smart.

Hey, gorgeous, what can I get
-
- Becky? Wow.

You look like a
-
- like a girl.

Thank you I think.

Well, you know, if you've come here to win me back, you've won! I actually already have a date with someone else.

What about us? What happened? What happened is I met someone who really connects with me.

And he makes me feel beautiful.

Who is this Casanova? Hola.

Woody? Can I talk to you for a second? Come here! What are you doing dating my girl? You told me to.

You were so worried about looking like a wimp, you didn't even notice Becky is sweet, smart, funny And she can burp the minute waltz in 30 seconds.

She's every man's dream.

Well, she swept me off my feet.


- ( Grunts )
- Literally.

Let's go, my little curly fry.

Bye, Zack.

I miss being lifted.

Don't look at me.

Ahhh! London, what happened? I got a "b+" on my math final.

Oh, bravo! Oh, your father will be so proud.

And I won't have to learn how to speak goat.

Meanwhile, um, have you been kissing a clown? Oh, this? Oh, it's just something to help me study.

Oh, well, in that case, you've never looked lovely.

Thank you.

Oh! So Cody, now that Bailey and my new smarticles have won your bet, what does she get? A limo, a boat, a million dollars? A kiss on the cheek.

Pay up.

My pleasure.

Ech! Poor people! I bet you a foot rub I can convince London a giant merman is holding up the ship.

You're on.