02x02 - Ala-ka-scram!

[bunniefuu]

There we go
-
- perfect consistency.

Mmm! Man, I love pudding.

Wow.

Beautiful.

Just one more little touch.

London, this is not a makeup class.

Huh.

Yes, that's exactly what it is.

I failed art last semester and they told me I needed to take a makeup class.

Easy "a"!
- No, London, what they meant was
-
-
- just
-
- n
-
- n
-
- n
-
- na
-
- na
-
- naaa
-
- ( all groan ) Eww.

Thanks a lot! Oh ay oh, oh ay oh come along with me and let's head out to see what this world has for you and for me now whichever way the wind blows
- we say
- hey
-ho, let's go!
- oh ay oh
- this boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- ain't no stopping us now 'cause we're living the suite life
- oh ay oh
- this boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- rocking the whole world round and we're living the suite life now hey ho! Oh ay oh let's go! Woody, I'm glad to see one guy in our school is evolved enough to sign up for home ec.

( Chuckles ) I'm just here to hit on Addison.

Plus, it's the only class where you can eat your homework.

Hey, guys! What do you think we'll make today? Maybe it'll be a salad, a casserole, a hearty soup or
-
- oh! I hope it's something with broccoli.

I love broccoli.

It's like eating little trees, makes me feel like I'm a giant.

Hello, little tree.

Na
-na
-na
-
- 'cause I'm a giant.

Whatever keeps her mouth busy.

Good morning, class.

I am Mr.

mar
-tin.

But you may call me "sir" or "chef.

" Or "Sir chef.

" I think I have a crush on the teacher.

What happened to Mrs.

westphall? She was chopping onions when we hit that big wave.

Yeah, it wasn't pretty.

So they're letting you teach? I knew I should have taken art.

Well, food is art
-
- art that you can eat.

Yes! For example, is this a tomato?
- All: Yeah.


- Looks like it.

( Knives whipping, clanging ) Or a rose for your dinner date? All: Ooh! Oh.

You are good.

All right, let's start with some basics.

Who knows how to reduce vinegar and shallots to make a beurre blanc? Okay, who knows how to flash
-caramelize filbert shards? Who knows what an egg is? All: Oh, me! I know everything there is to know about eggs.

I've collected them, candled them and even pulled them right out of the cloaca.

The single multipurpose opening in the chicken's
-
- okay! Let's save the chicken chit
-chat for the lunchroom.

Let's learn how to cr*ck an egg.

Or shall I say Four eggs? All: Ooh! When you're done with that, we are going to be making a meringue.

So everybody pick up their whisk
-
- the thing you used as a wand when you were a kid and dressed up like a fairy princess.

Wow, Addison.

I've never seen whisking that fast, not even from an electric mixer.

Well, thanks.

I'm not even on full speed.

Oh no no no, Addison.

Light touch.

( Giggles ) Oh.

That feels right.

That way the egg whites and the sugars can become one.

And once you've whipped it up to a peak, let it dance across your taste buds.

Mmm.

( Giggles )
- I'm speechless.


- That's a first.

Ooh, me me me, my turn.

Mmm, my taste buds are dancing.

They're doing the merengue.

Oh very good.

Um Aren't
-
- aren't we supposed to be whisking? Oh, that's right miss pickett.

Zachary mar
-
-
- Zack!
- ( Gasps ) My painting! Zack, I have a problem.

If this is about your polo pony needing plastic surgery, I already told you
-
- his face is supposed to look horsey! No.

This is about that art class.

Turns out you have to hand in a painting or you fail! So I need yours.

Hey hey hey, no way.

I worked really hard on this.

Hmm.

Ooh ooh! How about this one? I'll give you 20 bucks for it.

That's the canvas you ruined by making me sneeze pudding.

Hey, you see trash, I see "d
-.

" This is awesome!
- It's just $20.


- Hey, you see $20, I see an 8' churro.


- London.


- Oh, Mrs.

mccracken.


- Ah!
- Both: Muah, muah.

I haven't seen you since that benefit to buy fur coats for hairless chihuahuas.

Yes, such a worthy cause.

Although when you put the jackets on them, they still shook.

Oh, what's this? Oh, just a painting I bought.

Oh.

Wow.

Daring.

I love the way it explodes on the canvas.

It evokes the enigmatic glory of the human condition.


- Who painted this?
- Oh, pfft! He's no one.

Oh, an unknown genius?
- How much did you pay?
- 20.

$20,000? I'll give you $30,000.


- $30,000?
- Oh come on, now.

A $10,000 profit is nothing to sneeze at.

In this case it is.


- Sold!
- Yes.

And I'll buy any more you can get.


- Hey, Bailey.


- Don't you mean "miss pickett"? That's only during school hours.

After that, you're my little "hay bail.

" ( Giggles ) Cody! I think I overspiced my gazpacho.

I added salt, pepper, garlic, cayenne, cumin, turmeric, shallots, cilantro and a dash of tarragon.

Very experimental But let's try it.

( Gags, coughing ) I also may have blended in my retainer.

More cilantro, less metal.

You are so brilliant.

Uh, now, where were we?
- We were
-
-
- Cody! Can you taste my gazpacho?
- Uh, actually, we were trying
-
-
- sure.

Mmm.

Delicious.

Someone's been paying attention in class.

How can I not? Seconds? ( Chuckles ) Great! Cold tomato soup.

Bye.

Bailey, what's wrong? Nothing.

Let's just enjoy being alone, just you and me ( All chattering ) And reina and Addison and
-
- hey, you're not even in our class.

So you really want another painting? What can I say? I have a weakness for the finer things.

Now hork that gravy out of your schnoz.


- ( Moaning )
- ( Groaning ) Oh.

Exquisite exquisite.

Here's another 20.

Ha, cool.

I've made
- That's a lot of money.


- ( Chuckles ) It sure is.

See ya.

I am madder than a chicken with a clogged cloaca.

All the girls just can't keep their hands off Cody.


- Cody who?
- My Cody.

Every time I turn around, some girl's shoving her gazpacho
- in his face.


- Ooh! You're jealous.

I am not! Well, whatever you do, don't tell Cody.

Never let a boyfriend know you're jealous.

I'm telling you
-
- I'm not jealous.

Good, very convincing.

Seriously, I'm not jealous.

Wow, you could be an actress I mean if you were pretty.

Woody, what's going on in here? I don't know, but I feel this strange desire to powder my nose.

Oh! Here comes sir chef!
- Hello, class.


- Girls: Hello, Mr.

Martin.

Woody: Hello, Mr.

Martin.

Okay, girls And Woody, today we're going to knead ciabatta dough.

All: Ooh.

Now the key is not to work from the wrist, but from the upper arm.

All: Oh.

Hey, Addison.

I brought you some flours
-
- bleached and whole grain.

Get it? Woody, is my teaching getting in the way
- of your talking?
- Sorry, Mr.

Martin.

Now if you're doing it right, you should feel it in the tricep.

All: Ooh, I want to feel! What does it feel like? I want to feel.

Wait, me first! Wow! Impressive!
- Woody!
- Sorry, Mr.

Martin.

Um, aren't we supposed to be getting our assignments back today? Well, considering I ate them, I don't think you'd like that.

So instead I frosted your grades onto these cookies.

( All gasp ) Ooh!
- Woody.


- ( Gasps )
- Reina.


- Thanks.


- Addison.


- I got an "a"!
- Me too!
- A "c+"?!
- Woody, what did you get?
- Guess I forgot to look.

Um, excuse me, Mr.

Martin, you didn't like my gazpacho? It was traditional, but Addison made hers extra chunky and reina added mint.

Sometimes a guy just wants to try something new.

Yeah, sometimes the same old same old can get so boring.

( Gasps ) Mr.

Martin, Bailey broke my spoon! Miss pickett! Abusing kitchen utensils is an a*t*matic demerit! I'm afraid I'm going to have to lower your grade to a "c.

" Hey, Bailey.

They're showing "Casablanca" in the theater.


- Want to go?
- Aren't you busy with your students? Well, actually, they're the ones who arranged it.

I like to break down the student
-teacher barrier, connect with the kids.

You can connect without me.

Oh, I know what's going on here.

You're mad because I gave you a "c.

" Look, if you want, I could take another look at your grade.

Okay, first of all, you can't because Woody ate my grade.

And second, I'm not mad about the "c.

" If you don't understand what's going on here, that just shows how incredibly insensitive and clueless you are! So I'm guessing you don't want to go to the movie? What's wrong, Bailey? I'm losing my guy.

Tell me about it.

I'm losing my gal.

She's at "Casablanca" with Mr.

Martin.

It's not Cody's fault he's so irresistible.

Why don't you tell lanky
-mcstanky and her friends
- to simmer down?
- ( Gasps ) You might talk like that on the farm, but we do not speak about ladies that way in Cleveland.

You're right, Woody.

We should be working together, not fighting.

Wait a minute.

I bet we could solve this home ec problem by cooking something up ourselves.

( Gasps ) Like lamb chops? I love lamb chops.

I'm talking about making Cody jealous.

Because we have lamp chops and he doesn't! Excuse me, ma'am.

Where did you get that? Oh, it's wonderful, isn't it? It's called "inner peace.

" No, it's called "inner peas.

" Oh, you're familiar with the artist? ( Laughs ) Quite familiar.

We're about as close as two people can get.

It's rumored that he's a tortured French genius.

( French accent ) Zachary Martin is going to be the next big thing.

I'm buying up as much as I can.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa.

You bought that? May I ask how much you paid? Oh I got for a steal.

I only paid 30.

Oh, flora! $30!
- London! You open this door immediately!
- Okey
-dokey.

Zack: London, you open this door immediately again! Oh, hi, Zack.

Wait, why aren't you working on your latest master sneeze? I know your secret! Okay, so I had my ears done, but this is what I looked like before.

Not that! Wow.

No, I'm talking about you selling my paintings for a profit! Well, did you think I'd sell them for a loss?
- But you haven't been sharing with me.


- You got your $20.


- What about the rest?
- I have expenses.

Like what? Frames and hooks
-
- outfits to wear when I buy frames and hooks.

You know, $30,000 doesn't go as far as it used to.

( Squeals ) Dollars? Look, I know it's not that much,
- but you're just starting out.


- Well yeah, it's not that much to you, but that's more than I'll make in my entire life! Ooh! That's sad.

Well, you know what's sad? That you're my friend and you're exploiting me! ( Laughs ) No, I'm not.

( Gagging ) Yu
-
- wu
-
- uh
-
-
- ( grunts )
- Wuh
-
- ( sneezes ) Ah, beautiful.

Let me get your $20.

No! No! If you want an original, you can pay market price.

( French accent ) Zachary Martin is going into the business for himself!
- ( Door slams )
- I hope it's not as a dialect coach, because that accent
-
- wow.

Today, we will be exploring the glory of the potato or, as the French call it, the apple of the earth.

( Girls cooing, giggling ) Woody, could you help me with my potato, you big handsome man? Sure, but aren't we supposed to be
- starting the plan?
- This is the plan.


- Oh.


- Could you maybe help me mash some potatoes? You're so strong and cut.

( Giggling ) That tickles.

Oh.

( Loudly ) I mean, I would happy to help out a gorgeous female person such as yourself.

( Grunting ) Almost got it.

( Groans ) You might want to use the cooked ones.

Oh.

Oh
-
- oh! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot
-
- ( thuds ) Woody, are you okay? Woody: Yeah, my hair took most of the blow.

Okay, this plan is not working.

We need to do something that doesn't require any skill or manly abilities.

Oh! I got manly abilities.

Check this.

Bailey, what are you doing? Clearly she's interested in another guy.

Lucky you, because you get me.

Oh ho ho, that's it, miss gazpacho.


- You're going down!
- Ow! Yeah, uh
-huh.

That's what happens.

( Yelps ) Oh ho ho! All: Fight fight fight! Help! Help! There's a fight! Someone get a teacher! What are you doing?! Oh, yeah.

Rats.

Ladies! Ladies! Put those utensils down! You'll damage the non
-stick coating!
- Ladies!
- ( All shouting ) How dare you kiss my boyfriend? Well, what do you care? You're into Woody now! Woody?! Oh please! I wouldn't date him if he was the last guy on the planet.

Hey! Oh, Woody, I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean it like that.

( All gasp ) Oh, that's it! ( Screams ) The beater, the beater, the beater! Cody: Can't we settle this
-
- all: Fight fight fight fight! ( Screaming )
- ( Squeals )
- I'll protect you, Addison!
- Oh ho ho
-
-
- ( Thuds ) ( All gasp )
- Woody!
- Oh.

I'm just glad I could take a roll for you.


- ( Timer dings )
- ( Grunts ) My souffle is done! Le shh! ( French accent ) Uh, this is your prime opportunity to buy an original Zachary Martin from ze artist himself.

That would be moi.


- What's going on here?
- Oh, as if you didn't know.

Zachary Martin is auctioning off his latest works.

Ah, zis is the first piece up for bid.

I call it "portrait of a fat lazy American.

" ( Laughs ) ( Chuckles ) We will start the bidding at a mere, mmm, $30,000.

Don't think you're going to outbid me.

Actually, I'm not buying any more Zachary Martin.

You aren't? Okay okay, times, zey are tough.

Why do we not say $20,000? Do I hear a 10? 'Cause all I hear is the sound of people leaving.

You know, I can see why you're disillusioned.

When I first saw his work, it spoke to my soul in the hushed breathy tones Of a weeping angel.

And now
-
- now it just looks like Someone sneezed grape jelly on canvas? Bingo.

How about 100? 50? I'll give you 20 bucks for it.

I still need something to hand in for class.

I don't understand.

Yesterday people were willing to spend $30,000 on my art.

Look, I told you
-
- you needed me.

Look, people only wanted your stuff because I wanted it.

London, you took advantage of me for thousands and thousands of dollars! Hey, times are tough.

Daddy cut my allowance down to three gold bars a week! Eh
-
- I can't even afford three chocolate bars a week! You could have shared the profits evenly.

( Sighs ) Look, you're right.

I'll give you your half.

I spent the money on this outfit, so what days do you want to wear it? London! Okay, I'm sorry.

Look, it's just hard to get away from what you're taught growing up.

When I was a little girl, my dad used to always say ( yells ) "Money is more important than friendship!" That's awful.

Why did he yell? Oh, he didn't.

Everything just sounded really loud 'cause I had those big ears.

Bailey, what's going on with you? You're acting up in class.

You're fighting.

You're horribly misusing kitchen utensils.

Well, excuse me if I'm upset because all the girls in class Fawn all over you.

What? I see the way they flirt with you.

And you don't do anything to stop 'em.

Really? They're flirting with me? Yes.

It's disgusting.

Ch
-
- yeah! All of 'em? How could you not notice? Because you're the only girl I notice.

Oh.

But then how come you treated me so coldly in class? Well, I'm the teacher.

I can't show favoritism, especially to my favorite girl.

( Giggles ) From now on if you're upset, just tell me.

You're right.

I heard there was a food fight! Sick! Oh, man, I missed it? Ooh, ciabatta.