02x05 - Smarticle Particles

[bunniefuu]

Ugh! Ew! Wow, slow night.

Are you as bored as I am? I was as bored as you.

Then you showed up and now I'm even more bored.

The most fun I've had all night was cleaning out the lint trap in the laundry room.

Wow.

Next time, can I watch? ( Grunting ) ( Screams ) ( Splashes ) Europe is to the left.

Things just got slightly less boring.

Oh ay oh, oh ay oh come along with me and let's head out to see what this world has for you and for me now whichever way the wind blows
- we say
- hey
-ho, let's go!
- oh ay oh
- this boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- ain't no stopping us now 'cause we're living the suite life
- oh ay oh
- this boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- rocking the whole world round and we're living the suite life now hey ho! Oh ay oh let's go! That was awesome!
- We have to go tell Mr.

moseby.


- Are you kidding? He didn't even believe me when I told him the men's room is out of soap.

Maybe because you never use soap.


- Now let's get out of here.


- Gentlemen.

I'm afraid I can't let you go after what you've just seen.

I didn't see a thing.

I was too busy tying my shoe.

I was helping him.

No, really.

The loops confuse him.

So we won't say a thing.

But just between us, are you a spy? Yes, I work for the n.

S.

A.

My name is Smith, James Smith.

But you can call me smitty or j
-dog.

Okay, j
-dog.

Well, clearly you have a license to k*ll or at least a learner's permit.

So we'll just be on our way.

Cheerio.


- Hold it!
- Aggh! A laser pen! No, it's just a pen.

I need you both to sign this confidentiality agreement.

Okie
-doke.

Oh, wait, right here it says, "in the event of a dispute, an arbiter shall be chosen by a third party
-
-" it may just be a regular pen, but I could still jab you with it.

"Cody Martin.

" Ooh, Mr.

Smith, that prune whiz went bad weeks ago.

Don't worry.

I'm sure it's part of his spy training to become impervious to any potentially poisonous substance.

True.

Unfortunately, I was absent that day.

I was
-
- bathroom! That's the ladies' restroom.

Don't care! Mr.

moseby, there's a spy on the ship.

And he got rid of another spy by tossing him overboard.

But don't tell him we told you because we signed our names to a confidentiality agreement.


- Actually, I signed Mr.

moseby's name.


- Good thinking.

A spy, huh? Is this like the time you were being chased by a leprechaun?
- You have to admit that guy was short.


- And green.

He was a seasick little person.

How do you explain the pot of gold? He was delivering London's allowance.

But that has nothing to do with this.

Zip it.

Just go away.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a real problem to deal with on the lido deck.

Someone spotted a unicorn.

( Cell phone beeps ) It's agent Smith.

He's in my cabin and he wants to talk to us.

Well, how do you know it's really from a spy? 'Cause it says, "this message will self
-destruct in five seconds.

" That's ridiculous.

There's no way he can make a text message explo
-
- I still don't think we should go meet this guy.

Come on, there's nothing to be scared of.

( Screams ) I told you that outfit was ugly.

Hey, guys.

What's going on?
- Nothing.


- He's lying.

Why would you say that? When he lies, his nose crinkles.

Watch.

Cody, how tall are you? I rest my case.

Okay, it's settled.

Cody's a short liar.

Let's go! Cody, I can't believe this.

We're in a committed relationship and you're keeping secrets from me? You should so break up with him.

Put it in an e
-mail.

We gotta go.

Bailey, you and I have no secrets.

I'm an open book.

I'll tell you anything you wanna know.

So what are you doing? Going to Zack's room for a top secret meeting with an international spy.

Fine, don't tell me.

But my nose didn't even crinkle.

She's so gonna break up with you.

He's not here.

See you later.

( Mr.

Smith grunting ) Sounds like he's roughing somebody up.

Probably someone who broke their confidentiality agreement.

( Toilet flushes ) Whoa! What are you doing in there, raising ponies? I have survived k*ller agents, ninja assassins and even a penguin with a machine g*n.

But you two boys brought me to my knees with one bad prune whiz.

Don't hurt me with your super spy poison spray! It's air freshener.

Still, stop.

The chlorofluorocarbons are bad for the environment.

What I released in there is worse for the environment.

He's got a point.

Look, I can't get more than five feet away from this toilet.

And by the way, you have an excellent selection of comic books.

Thanks.

Reading is my passion.

Anyway, I need you to go to the party in the piano lounge tonight and rendezvous with my contact
-
- red finger.

Ooh, little codename.

Is she a former Soviet spy? No, she jammer her finger in a door.

It turned bright red and stayed that way.

I need you to get a microchip from her.


- What's on the microchip?
- None of your beeswax.

Suffice to say, it could save mankind.

We're on it.

We're great at being sneaky.

I'm not, and I'm not doing it.

You'll do it or I'll
-
- ( Winces ) I'll tell you what I'll do when I get back.

Oh! Cody.

This is the opportunity of a lifetime.

To do what, die? No, to have an adventure.

Look, all your life you've played it safe.

You didn't take the training wheels off your bike until you were 13.

And even when you did, you only took one off so you could only turn right.

You wore your retainer for three years after the orthodontist said you can stop.

You still take baths 'cause you're afraid you're gonna slip in the shower.

Live, Cody, live! You know what? You're right.

Tonight I shower.

But I'm not becoming a spy.


- You'll be Bailey's hero.


- I'm in.


- He's in.


- Good.

Okay, when you approach red finger, you must say this exactly.

"What crew threw the true blue goo that flew into my shoe?" Memorize those words and then eat the paper.

Yeah, I'd rather not.


- Nougat!
- ( Laughing ) Okay, remember, we're looking for a woman with a red finger.

Ow! ( Growls ) What are you doing here? I do not remember hiring you to work this party.

Yes, you did.

No, I didn't.

We're spies, not jedi.

Oh, that busboy just shoved a shrimp into his pocket.

I saw that, francois.

I don't see red finger.

We have to get these women to show us their hands.

Nougat! ( Laughs ) I have an idea.

London, we need your help.


- I don't help people.


- London.

You will help us.

I will help you.

( Gasps ) I am madame tipton, the fortuneteller.

And let me tell you, I'm worth a fortune.

Now take off your gloves so she can read your palms.


- ( Screams )
- What do you see? Skin like a crocodile.

I see a lot of moisturizer in your future.

It's not her.

( Gasps ) Hey, want your fortune read? All right, here.

Just trying to speed up the process.

It's not red finger.

Move on.

She sees a journey in your future.

( Crashes ) Wow, I am good! We're never going to find her.

I'd like my palm read.

Oh, good.

Then it'll match your finger.

It's her.

Excuse me, miss.

Can we talk to you for a second? No.

Say the code.

Where's the code? There you are.

You said you had to write a paper for school, and instead you're here partying? I'm not partying.

I'm on a top secret mission that could save the world.

I haven't heard a lie that big since zieg Miller said his pig was a piano virtuoso.

I mean, he was okay.

I wouldn't call him a virtuoso.

Hello, red finger's leaving.

Come on.

Oh! Let me tell you your fortune.


- ( Screams )
- What?
- Your life line.


- What, is it short? No, long.

I was hoping to get my own room.

"What crew threw the true blue goo that flew in the Kangaroo poo?" I think it's kazoo.

I think I'm leaving.

Look, it's been a long day.

This tux is itchy, I had to hire a fortuneteller, and they're all out of those miniature hot dogs.

Are you the babe with the microchip or not? Shh! Fine, I'm red finger.

I just wasn't expecting my contact to be so
-
-
- handsome?
- Dashing? Awkward and pimply.

Well, you're one to talk about skin problems, Mrs.

red finger.


- Do you have the microchip or not?
- Here.


- Don't touch the finger.


- She almost touched my nose with it.

Hello, Mr.

Smith? J
-dog?
- Just a second.


- ( Toilet flushes ) Okay, the spray's not working.

cr*ck a porthole.

We got something that'll make you feel better.

We secured the microchip.

Oh, excellent.

You have secret compartments in your shoes? Just this one.

This other one
- is a hair dryer.


- ( Whirring ) ( Sighs ) Now I need you to do one more thing.


- Rendezvous with a submarine?
- Infiltrate a Swiss bank? Get me more toilet paper.

I'll be in the little spies' room.

You know, Zack, this really was exhilarating.


- I'm glad I let you talk me into it.


- What the
-
- I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!
- I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!
- Excuse me, sir.

Can you tape his mouth shut, please? ( Grunts ) I really hate you.

We gotta get out of here.

Okay, this isn't working.

Wait, I think I can reach your phone from your back pocket.

I got it.

I got it! Here, take it.

Got it.

Okay, call Bailey.

Oh! I'm out of minutes.


- I'll just have to send her a text.


- Great idea.


- ( Beeping )
- How's it coming? Okay, I think.

I want Bailey to know that it's natural for a relationship to suffer its ups and downs.


- There are going to be some high points
-
-
- just type "help.

" I still can't believe Cody isn't telling me the truth.

I mean, the single most important thing in a relationship is trust.

You should so break up with him.


- ( Cell phone beeps )
- Oh, that's Cody texting me now.

This better be an apology.

"Dear buley I famub kakinka bubba dobba dock.

" What is that, Swedish? No, it's gibberish.

I've never been to gibber.

Is it nice? Yes, the clouds are made of cotton candy and the plants are made of bubble gum.

( Gasps, squeals ) Can the boat stop there? Yours will.

( Shouts )
- Make it simple.


- I don't know, you're
-
-
- someone's coming!
- Maybe it's Bailey.


- ( Gasps ) It's red finger!
- Oh, thank goodness.


- We were grabbed by a couple of g*ons.


- g*ons? You are aware that we kids have appropriated the phrase goon and turned it into a positive.

As in, "what up, my goon?" Or "that car is totally gooned out.

"
- Shut up!
- Yes, ma'am.

When I spoke to headquarters, they told me my contact was fished out of the sea by a Russian trawler.

Oh, maybe that was the guy Smith threw overboard.

You think? Smith! You're working for Smith? Well, I wouldn't say working for really.

More of an unpaid internship type thing.

Smith is a bad guy.

How do we know you're not the bad guy? After all, you do have a couple of goo
-
- good
-looking guys working for you.

Smith stole the microchip from us.

( Gasps ) The c.

I.

A.

? Yep, that's her all right.

"Finger, red.

" Man, I'm so confused.

Smith seemed like such a good guy.

Well, he's not.

He's a liar liar pants on fire.

Oh, man, not j
-dog.

Well, he's in my cabin right now blowing chunks in the toilet.

How could you just give Smith up like that? Anyone can fake an I.

D.

You've done it enough times.

There's just something about her that makes me believe her.

Goon, please.

You just think she's gorgeous.

Really? Because I don't love my nose,
- and I have this red finger.


- Smith is gone! But he was definitely in there.

You have got to get the microchip back from Smith.

The fate of the world depends on it.

( Rope tears ) You can count on us.

Well, me anyway.

Now go! I can't believe we searched all night for Mr.

Smith
- and still couldn't find him.


- Maybe he went overboard.


- Maybe he's in disguise.


- Maybe he's in the hot tub.

Quick, find his shoes.

Found 'em.

That is so bad for the leather and don't even get me started on the brown socks.

London, we need your help.

We need to get that guy's shoes off.

Tell him you need to read his feet.

Great, first hands, now feet? This is more reading than I've done all year.

Greetings, weary traveler.

I'm here to tell you your destiny.

But first, I must read the palms of your feet.

Don't you mean the palms of my hands? No, I'm in training.

I'm starting at the bottom.


- I got the microchip.


- ( Whirring )
- Got it.


- Hey! Hey! Stop! Hey, unhand me.

Stop!
- Come back here.


- What, no tip? Ow ow ow ow!
- Bailey.


- I'm not talking to you.

Okay, you don't have to talk to me.

Just hide this microchip.

What? What are these marks? Rope burns.

I was tied up by the bad guy with rope that had harsh cotton fibers.

You mean that stupid spy story was real? Yes, that's what I've been trying to tell you.

Oh, Cody, I'm so sorry for not trusting you.

It's okay, Bailey.

Take this microchip back to your cabin and hide it.

And for your own safety, promise me you won't look.


- I promise.

And, Cody.


- Yes? You're my hero.

Zack: Nope! This ship is a boatload of fun.

You can play shuffleboard, ping pong
-
- and tag.

Miss finger, we got the microchip from Smith.

What up, goonizzles?
- Give me the chip.


- No! Hello.

Nice matching outfits.

Get him.

No no, gentlemen, please.

No v*olence, really.

It's so hard to find good g*ons these days.

That explains all the broken tables.

Now that microchip belongs to me.


- He's lying.


- No, she's lying.

If the liar says I'm lying, then I'm not lying.


- Unless you're a liar.


- I know you are, but what am I?
- Liar says what?
- What?
- ( Laughing ) Boom!
- Boom!
- I win.


- So you two really are spies? I can't believe you two were actually telling the truth.

It was bound to happen sometime.

Neither of you are going to get that microchip because it's someplace safe where you'll never find it.

Hey, guys, about this top secret microchip
-
-
- that's mine.


- No, it's mine.

Well, now it's mine! Called it, stepped it, locked it, no erasies! Both: Darn! Now I will put the microchip in a safe place until this matter is resolved.

Bailey, I asked you to hold on to that microchip.

You put the whole world in jeopardy.

Yeah, the world of sandwiches and tasty summer salads.


- Huh?
- Huh? I looked at it on my computer.

It's a recipe for mayonnaise.

Correction
-
- zero calorie mayonnaise.

You said what was on that microchip could save mankind.

Yes, from obesity and dry sandwiches.

But the recipe belongs to my company.

You said you were with the c.

I.

A.

Yes, the condiment institute of America.

And you're with the n.

S.

A.

National sandwich alliance.

We could have sold that zero calorie Mayo for 50 bucks a jar.

You kids may not be aware of this, but that is a lot to pay for mayonnaise.

Well, now people are getting it for free.

What? Wait.

Why? Because I sent the recipe to my aunt myrtle
- and she put it on the web.


- She put it on the Internet? Oh, no no, it's this huge spider web outside her house where she hangs notes.

You know, "free kittens, tractors for sale.

" But everyone in town looks at it.

So what do we do now? Well, I've been dying to try the buffet on the lido deck.

I'll join you.

It'll be nice to have something going in for a change.

Bailey, I can't believe you broke your promise and looked at that microchip.

How can I trust you again? All is forgiven.

Nope!