02x18 - Can You Dig It?

[bunniefuu]

Last night was amazing, Bailey.

You know, it's so incredible to finally be with someone as mature as I am.

No, you hang up.

No, you hang up.


- No, you hang up.


- How about I hang up? Dude, you sound like some sort of love
-struck idiot.


- Good morning.


- Hi, London.

( School bell ringing ) Hello, class.

Now before we get started, I'm going to collect your papers on Napoleon.

Oh no, the paper.

I was having so much fun with Bailey I forgot to do it.

And that's Napoleon Bonaparte.

Just give yourself an f now if you wrote about Napoleon dynamite.

I've never not done my homework before.


- What am I going to do?
- Here you go, Ms.

t.

And may I say you are looking lovely as always? You know, it's hard to believe there isn't a Mr.

t.

Well, actually, there is.

And I pity the fool who doesn't marry this one before she's snatched up.

Ahem.

Nice try, Mr.

t.

Or should I say Mr.

c
-? Napoleon was more than just "a short French dude.

" Ah, but I said, "creepy, short French dude.

" "Napoleon Bonaparte was a French m*llitary leader whose actions shaped European politics in the early 19th century.

Born in corsica, he was destined
-
-" aahh!
-
-Louette, gentille alouette Was one of Napoleon's favorite songs.

Everybody.

Je te plumerai la tête, je te plumerai la tête et le tête, et le tête Cody, what's going on? Okay.

The truth is I didn't do the assignment.


- ( Class gasps )
- Gasp! Even I did the assignment.

It's just lines you made testing lipstick colors.

Yeah, but it was on time.

Cody, what happened? Look, I was with Bailey last night Because she sprained her ankle.

The health and well
-being of others must come first.

Okey
-dokey.


- Just turn it in tomorrow.


- ( Sputters ) What? If I had an extra day, I could have added eye
-shadow.

Here, knock yourself out.

Really? Oh ay oh, oh ay oh come along with me and let's head out to see what this world has for you and for me now whichever way the wind blows
- we say
- hey
-ho, let's go!
- oh ay oh
- this boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- ain't no stopping us now 'cause we're living the suite life
- oh ay oh
- this boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- rocking the whole world round and we're living the suite life now hey ho, oh ay oh let's go! You will be in the seahorse suite and I'll get someone to help you with your bags.

Ooh! Classic.

Zack, you rigged this thing to punch me in the face? Of course not.

I rigged it to punch you in the stomach.

I forgot how short you are.

That's it, I've had it with your stupid pranks.

I only did it because you yelled at me last week.

That's because you put glue in my shoes.

Look, Mr.

moseby, what we've got here is your basic chicken
-egg situation.

Who knows what came first, you yelling or me pranking? Oh ho ho, I think it was you pranking.


- Since you're yelling, I guess I'm up.


- Okay.

All right, that is it.

I couldn't help but overhear your little kitten fight.

Meow, hiss.

Mr.

blanket, thank you,
- but this is none of your concern.


- Oh, but it is.

I'm the ship's counselor and I would like you both to come see me for a session.

No no, forget it.

I'm a very busy man.

And I Find you creepy.

Understood.

But I'm afraid you have no choice.

If I feel anyone's safety is at risk, I have the authority to relieve any crew member of duty and, if necessary, sedate them.

First of all, no you don't.

And second, that's a frosting pen.

I know.

It's time for my cupcake break.

Happy face for a happy tummy.

Mm.

Oh.

And we're the ones who need counseling? Bailey, I have a huge crisis.

I forgot to write my Napoleon paper, so I lied to Ms.

tutweiller and told her I was helping you with your sprained ankle.

What? I don't have a sprained ankle.


- Why would you do that?
- I don't know.

I panicked, okay? I can't have a blemish on my record.

It's been perfect ever since my very first "a" in nursery school when I used juice boxes to build a glucose molecule.

Cody, I don't think one bad mark is going to matter.

You don't know that.

We're supposed to go to Yale together.

But what if you get in and I only get into Princeton? Princeton! I am not going to pretend my ankle hurts.

And I totally respect you for that.


- Bailey.


- Ahh! Ow! ( Grunts ) Bailey, I heard what happened to your ankle.

Yeah yeah, it hurts like a goat bite.

But I am working through the pain.

Well, how'd you hurt it?
- Well, it was dark
- Dark.


- In the cabin and I tripped
- Tripped.


- Over ivana.


- Ivana.

London's dog.

Oh, how awful.

I can only imagine the pain that poor puppy is in.


- Hello, what about me?
- Yeah yeah, get well soon, champ.

Oh, the puppy.


- ( Thud )
- Ahh! I should have seen that coming.

I can't believe, thanks to you, I have to waste an hour here in counseling.


- I have many more important things I could be doing.


- You? I've got a box of frogs I should be hiding in the salad bar.

I mean homework.


- This is all your fault
-
-
- if you didn't catch me
-
-
- ( whistle trilling )
- Stop it! I can't stand to watch two people fight Unless they're old ladies in a vat of coleslaw.

Sorry, off topic, weekend stuff.

Look, Mr.

blanket, I know you mean well, but Zack and I will always be at odds.


- Always.


- Well, you must try.


- All that stress is bad for your heart.


- Hah, poppycock.

My ticker is as strong as ever.


- Really?
- ( Voices overlapping )
- Kapow!
- ( Screaming ) Ha ha, see? Ooh, like a hummingbird after a double sh*t of espresso.

But there is a sound therapeutic remedy.

And then whatever you've got, right? Correct.

Rather than take out your aggressions on each other, you should use proxies.

Hey, Mr.

moseby, look, yours is life
-sized.

Now do to the dolls what you want to do to each other, like I do with this one of Ms.

tutweiller.

You and Ms.

tutweiller argue a lot? Heavens, no.

We love each other very much.

Don't we, snookems? Not now, honey, I'm working.

Now express your feelings to the dolls.

Okay, Zack, sometimes I find your behavior a trifle impolite.


- Hmm?
- Hey, look, I pulled his eye out.

( Silent ) ( Gasps ) Daddy cut my allowance by 100 bucks.

I am so sick of this recession.

London, we need your help.

I'll do it for 100 bucks.

Bailey, give me a dollar.

Thank you.

So what do you need? If Ms.

tutweiller asks, I sprained my ankle last night tripping over ivana.

But
-
- but that's impossible.

Ivana's not even on the ship.

She's in Rio getting a muzzle lift.

You know, she's almost seven.

It doesn't matter if ivana was there or not.

You just have to say that's what happened.

Wait a second.

That's a pretty big lie.

I don't think $100 is going to cut it.

How about we make it Mm ( Gasps ) I think we have a deal.


- ( Growling )
- Hoo hoo hoo, you like pranks, huh? Well, how about I pull your leg off? ( Laughing hysterically ) Mother goose with a side of yowza.

Okay, enough practice.

I'm ready for the real thing.

Bring it, little chipmunk.


- ( Whistle trilling )
- Stop it! I can see now that your problems are even more deep
-seated than I even feared.

We are going to have to meet daily for at least the next year.


- Both: What?
- Well, not on weekends.

Weekends is coleslaw time.

What? No no no, we're doing much better.

Yes, the doll thing was really working.


- Right, old chum?
- Absolutely, buddy.


- I'm sorry for everything.


- Okay.


- Kapow!
- Wait, what are you doing? Uh
-huh, nice try, but I can see the hate in your eyes.

Yeah, but that's mostly towards you.

This is the only way you two are going to learn to live together.

Mr.

blanket, give me the key this minute.


- You mean this key?
- Yeah, that one.

Come on.


- Ha ha ha.


- Moseby: Wait wait, no! Now if you'll excuse me, I need to see the nurse.

I hate it when the key goes down the wrong pipe.


- Wait.


- ( Grunts ) Zack: One tangerine tickle, coming right up.

( Grunts ) Do you mind? I'm trying to sign employee paychecks.


- Ooh, is mine in there?
- No.


- Then I don't care.


- Oh.

Do you ever mop up back here? London, I heard what happened to ivana.

Well, you know, that's clumsy Bailey for you.

I mean, you'd think she'd have better balance with those tennis rackets she calls feet.

Well, I just love little doggies,
- so I made ivana a get
-well gift.


- What about me?
- Why don't I get a sweater?
- Ugh, why would you even want one? Her stitch
-work is sloppy at best.

Anyway, I want to see if it fits her.

May I see her? Ivana? She's not even on board.

What do you mean? How could she be on board last night and not today? We're in the middle of the ocean.

That's because She Was eaten by a crocodile.

( Sobbing ) I miss her so much.


- ( Blowing nose )
- Wait, a crocodile? Someone must have smuggled one on board while we were docked in Australia and it got loose.


- Yeah.


- Well, ivana will always live on in our memories.

( Voices overlapping ) ( Bell chiming ) Attention, passengers and crew, this is not a drill.

A k*ller crocodile is loose on the ship!
- ( People screaming )
- ( Alarm ringing ) I think she bought it.

Poor ivana.

Careful with those.

Those are very
-
- oh, those are Bailey's.

Never mind.

Hey.


- Ms.

tutweiller, is this really necessary?
- Yes.

We have to clear every cabin until we find that crocodile.

Okay, look, this lie has snowballed out of control.


- You need to put angood, so you're going to tell her the truth? Heck, no.

I've just got to find us a crocodile.

( Screaming )
- Did you see the crocodile?
- No.

Bailey's swimsuit.

( Screaming ) Yeah.


- ( Voices overlapping )
- Okay.

I am sorry you've been inconvenienced, but I assure you everything is fine.

No, it's not.

Forget the crocodile.

Tutweiller's going to bite my head off if I'm late for class again.


- Come on.


- ( Voices overlapping ) Please please, one at a time.

Hey! Back off, you crybabies.

The man's hands are tied to me.

So quit your whining and go back to eating your body weight in shrimp.

Okay, come on.

What he means to say is we have a lovely selection of dining choices.

I will get someone to escort you.


- ( Bell dings )
- Uh! Okay, here I go.

( School bell ringing ) All right, class, now remember, even though there is a raging reptile on the loose, we must carry on as usual.

There is nothing to be afraid of.


- Present.


- Ahh! Whoa, sorry I'm late.

Well, I hope you have a good excuse.

I'm handcuffed to a workaholic who can't take a punch.


- Huh, that's a new one.


- Hello, Emma.

Well, Zack, I knew you'd end up in handcuffs one day.

I guess I'll be seeing you both in detention for the next week? What? No no, I can't.

Emma, I think you're overreacting.

Oh, really? Let's make it two weeks.


- No no no
-
-
- you want to make it three, Buster? Ooh! No, Ms.

tutweiller.

I got your message.

You saw the crocodile?
- Yes, it went into Zack and Marcus's cabin.


- It was so scary.

Yeah, it was all, "snap snap, grr.

I'm gonna eat you.

Croco
-doodle
-doo!" Yeah yeah, that'll doodle
-do.

All right, boys, we're going in.

You mean it's go time?
- ( Thudding )
- Marcus: What the heck?
- Get back, back!
- ( Girls screaming ) Marcus: You stupid croc! Marcus, don't worry, we're coming in.

No no, stay out.

Save yourselves.


- Take that, you scaly demon.


- ( Girls screaming ) That's it, I'm going in.

( Shouting ) Marcus, are you okay? Yeah, I think so.

It was the craziest thing.

I opened the bathroom door and a 14
-foot crocodile leaped out of the bathtub and att*cked me.

Yeah, he clamped onto my neck and we went into the death roll.

Oh yeah, we went back and forth and back and forth.

Oh oh, I wanted to run.

I wanted to run so bad.


- But I knew I had a duty to protect my fellow man.


- Yes! So I mustered up every ounce of my strength and pried open his mighty jaws and fought back.

Eventually I was able to subdue the mighty beast and throw it out the window.


- Boy: No
- ( Cheering )
- Wow.


- Wow.


- Wow.


- And this is all that's left of it.

Well, thank goodness you're all right.

And I'm sorry about what happened to your room.

Though it looks like it mostly destroyed Zack's things, which is funny.

Well, I guess we can call off the search and put this crazy incident behind us.

I guess so.

Good job.

Come on, guys.

Marcus, you fought the crocodile and saved everyone.

You are so brave.

London, remember there was never any real croc
-
- ( humming ) Oh, Emma, your eyes shine like two black buttons.

( Humming ) Excuse me.

If you're thinking of cutting in, you can forget it, mister.

No, we're here to get these stupid handcuffs off.

Yes, please, we're begging you to free us.


- We cannot spend so much time together.


- I'll say, it's a pain.

Every time moseby turns around, some obnoxious passenger is complaining.

"My cabin wasn't clean.

" "My room service was cold.

" "I'm afraid a crocodile's going to eat my baby, wah wah wah.

" No wonder he's always on edge, ready to snap.

Well, Zack's life is worse.

A crummy job, piles of mindless homework, unreasonable teachers
-
- oh, no offense, Emma.

Look, no wonder he wants to let off some steam with a little harmless tomfoolery.

Aha, he's smiling because for the first time the two of us understand each other.

Actually, I was thinking of Emma in the new outfit I bought her
-
- ooh.

But it's great that you two had a breakthrough.


- Yeah, I guess we did.


- Hmm.

That's the blanket method.

You can read about it in my new book, "the blanket method" by Mr.

blanket.


- Kapow!
- Ahh! Plus, if you flip the corners, there's a bear with a hula skirt.

( Laughing ) Shake it, Teddy.

Well, thank you, Mr.

blanket.

I'm so glad that a man like you decided to study psychology.

Right, I studied psychology At a school.


- Distraction!
- Ooh, shake it, Teddy.

Well, there's still the matter of the handcuffs, so if you'll just hand us over the spare key Spare? Spares are for bowling.

I only had the one key.

And it hasn't Shown up yet? Nope.

Could take at least a week.

I'm all stopped up from all those cupcakes.

Oh, angry face for angry tummy.

Good morning, class.

I have graded your papers on Napoleon.

And, Cody, you may pass yours forward.

Oh no, I was so busy chasing fake crocodiles,
- think, Cody, think.


- Cody? Well, you see, Ms.

tutweiller, on my way to class, a giant seabird swooped down aw, heck, just forget it and give me the f.


- ( Class gasps )
- Gasp! I got a d+.

I'm more "smarticler" than you are.

D+? The eye
-shadow really brings out the margins.

Mr.

blanket, we agreed you are to come no closer than 100 feet.

Farther.


- Farther.


- Whoa whooaa.

( Water splashes ) Perfect.