03x04 - My Oh Maya

[bunniefuu]

I need four cherry chillers, six banana breezers, nine tangerine tickles and one kumquat kapow.

Wow, you're a thirsty girl.

They're not for me.

I'm Maya, the new waitress.

Actually, the kumquat kapow is for me, but don't tell Mr.

Moseby.

I've been not telling Moseby stuff since I was 12.

I'm Zack.

Where have you been all my life? Just hoping a guy in knee socks and an apron would hit on me.

I gotta go write this in my diary.


- What's up, Maya?
- Hey, Maya.


- Hey, guys.


- How come everybody knows the new girl but me? Oh, she started school yesterday.

You would have known that if you'd bothered to show up.

Well, excuse me for observing a religious holiday.

Secretary's day is not a religious holiday.

Maybe not to you, but I happen to be secretarian.

Oh ay oh, oh ay oh come along with me and let's head out to see what this world has for you and for me now whichever way the wind blows
- we say
- Hey
-ho, let's go!
- oh ay oh
- This boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- Ain't no stopping us now 'cause we're living the suite life
- oh ay oh
- This boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- Rocking the whole world round and we're living the suite life now hey ho! Oh ay oh let's go! guys, I have the greatest news ever.


- Bailey went home!
- She did?
- Yeah.


- I guess she had to quit school because the pain of seeing me every day was just Too much for her.

I know it's too much for me.

She didn't quit school.

She had to go home because a tractor fell on her Uncle clem.


- Is he all right?
- Oh, he's fine.

But the tractor's broken so they need her to pull the plow.

Finally her oxlike shoulders will come in handy.

Oh, Maya, I made you a honeydew dream because today your dreams come True.

I'm gonna dance with a giant rabbit while lady gaga plays the spoons? Not that dream.

But wow.

I meant the one where you get to go out with me.


- So what do you say?
- No.

Great, so I'll pick you up at 8:00? Maybe a little dinner
- did you say no?
- Yes.


- Oh good, that's what I thought you'd say.


- Not "yes," "no.

" I'm kinda getting mixed signals from you.

Look, Zack, I've only been here a day and I already know you've hit on every single girl on this ship.

Including that mermaid statue in the neptune lounge.

Hey, she came on to me.

She was staring at me for like an hour.

Uh, come in.

Hey, man, how you doing? Dante? Whoa, nice place.

I brought you some pastries.

These are free from the buffet.

But I wrapped them for you.

What are you doing here? Remember when we met in Paris and you said we should work together someday? Guess what? According to the calendar, it's someday! According to me, you're headed out the doorway.

But wait wait wait wait.

I've giving you the chance to produce my new album.

Why would I want to produce you? I'm already sorry your parents produced you.

Look, I still have my career ahead of me and there's room for you on my coattails.

I don't need you or your coattails.

Oh yeah, big talk from a guy working as a maid.

I happen to be cleaning my gold record.

Now why don't you go back to your cabin and leave me alone? Uh, okay, here's the thing: I don't exactly have a cabin.


- Every passenger has a cabin.


- Yeah.

I'm not exactly a passenger.

Then how exactly did you get on board? A rope.

Zack.

What is this? Dental floss for a giant? Very funny.

What I want to know is why I found it hooked to a deck rail.

How should I know? Because the last time I found a rope hanging over the ship, Cody's leg was attached to the other end! No, this isn't my work.

Maybe somebody used it to sneak onto the ship.

A stowaway? Impossible! This ship is equipped with the finest security system money can buy.


- You mean Kirby?
- Oh dear.

Ow ow ow! What are you doing? Trying to condition myself to stop thinking of Bailey.

Ow! She's not even on the ship.

Out of sight, out of mind.

I wish.

But instead I'm just thinking about her more Back in kettlecorn in the barn with her old boyfriend moose.

He's probably helping her fix that tractor Gently guiding her hand as she works the wrench.

Maybe there's a smear of tractor grease on her forehead and he says, "lemme get dat.

" He pulls out his bandanna and gently wipes her face.

Their eyes meet and next thing you know, they're getting cozy under the shelf where they keep the locust poison.

Oh goodness! Ow ow! Okay, enough.

I've got a real problem.

Maya won't date me.

What do you care? You always say girls are like socks.

They're basically all the same, so if you lose one in the laundry room, you can just steal someone else's.

I know! There's just something different about this sock.

It's just so soft and smells so nice and I just want to hug it and kiss it.

Are we still talking about a sock? I don't know what's happening, man.

You're in love!
- Zacky loves Maya!
- Hey! I do not! Love is a very strong word reserved for the special things in life, like Like the Red Sox and deep
-dish pizza, and zombie slayer 4.

You can't walk on the beach with zombie slayer 4.

You can with a handheld.

Look, if you really want to date Maya, you should use my six
-month plan.

It worked with Bailey.

Ow.

I don't know, man.

Maybe Maya's just too much work.

And there are plenty of other fish in the sea.

Please, li'l, I wanna stay and work with you.

You're my idol.

I wrote my first song in a li'l little notebook with this li'l little pen.

Didn't you get the recall notice? These pens have a li'l little problem with the Springs.

I know.

It took out my granny's good eye on Christmas morning.

And you didn't send it back?! No! That's how much of a fan I am.

And nothing's going to make me move from your side.


- Marcus?
- Uh
-oh! we're looking for a stowaway.

Have you seen anything suspicious? Well, um um um Mrs.

pepperman hasn't lost a bingo game in months.

I think she's got something going on with the caller.

I'm the caller! I hope you two are very happy together.


- Thanks for coming by.


- Aww, someone must be helping this person.

And when I find out who, I will throw them in the brig! Is that a li'l little pen you have there? You know, I've always wanted one but for some reason they stopped selling them.


- It's all yours.


- Oh! Really? You'd just give it to me? I'll keep it in my li'l little lunchbox.

So, Gina, thanks for agreeing to go out with me at the last minute.

How could I say no? You blast off at 0600 to destroy that asteroid and save the world.

Yes yes, I do.

By the way, you're welcome.

I can't believe I'm holding hands with an astronaut.

Here you go, commander.

Commander? I thought your name was Zack.

Can she read the menu or should I get the one with the pictures? Oh, come on.

Those are only for kids.

Stupid connect the dots! Where the heck is two? Zack, when you're standing on that asteroid, the wind blowing through your hair as you hurtle toward earth, remember, I'll be here waiting to "cuggle what? I made that word up.

It's a combination of cuddle and snuggle! Oh, you are so adorable.

Oooh, what's that a combination of? Nothing.

That's an actual English word.

Ooh.

I only speak American.

Here are some extra crayons for your menu.

Please don't eat them.

Why are you staring at the waitress?! Heh, I'm not! You are the only girl I see.

Is something wrong? No.

For a minute, you just looked like Never mind.

Like who? Oh, I found two! Yay me! Stupid three! I can't believe this.

I think I'm falling in love.

Really? Me too! Can we get married on the sun? We can do it at night so it won't be too hot.

I'm not talking about you.

I meant her! What? You're revolting! That's gross and revolting.

Psst, Marcus! Who said that? Down here.

I think this fish is undercooked.


- I need your help.


- It's too late for that.

Half of you is already on that lady's bagel.

It's me Dante! What are you doing down there? I told you to stay in the cabin.

It's boring in there.

But I got a great idea for my new song.

It's called "I'm starving, now pass me a scone.

" Marcus! Hey, Mr.

Moseby! I am so sorry abt your eye.

It's not your fault.

You didn't make the pen, you just endorsed it Without actually checking the product.

Anyway, the doc said I will be fine, but for now I cannot see anything on my left side.

And we still can't find this stowaway.

If you see anything,
- let me know.


- I'll keep an eye out.

Sorry, bad choice of words.

Hey, Maya.

Ouldn't you be duct
-taping a nuke to an asteroid right about now? No, I did that before lunch.

And you're wcome.

Hey, listen, I think you have the wrong idea about me being a player.

Truth is I'm actually a great guy.


- Just ask anyone.


- Rehearsed ) Oh, there you are, zacky
-poo.

I just wanted to say that you were the best boyfriend I ever had.

So respectful, loving, sweet, and very non
-playerish.

Oh, why, thank you, london.

What an unexpected yet entirely accurate compliment.

Really? You you two dated? We sure did.

That's so weird! Because the other day when I asked you about him you said, and I quote, "yuck!" You asked about me? Well, when I first met you I admit I thought you were kinda cut you thought I was cute.

Wa a second.

Did you just call my man cute?
- London.


- Are you tryig to move in on him?
- London!
- Honey, hold my earrings.

I'm about to throw down.


- London, stop stop!
- No no no!
- It's that I'd make a great boyfend.


- Let go of me, you jerk! I don't know why I ever dated you! You're so controlling.

All right, six
-month plan.

Six
-month plan Hey, five bucks.

Oh, Cody, Cody, Cody.

Like I don't know the combination is mom's birthday.

Hey, mom! Yeah yeah, I miss you too.

Hey, quick question: When's your birthday again? Oh Well, then Happy Birthday.

By the way, whatever Cody sent you, it's from the two of us.

Yeah yeah yeah, can't talk now.

Goodbye.

Wow, this kid's got issues.

Here it is.

"Month one: Admire her from afar"? Lame! "Month two: Admire her from slightly ss afar"? More lame.

Oh, this might work.

And he'll never know.

Please! I don't want to get off the ship.

You should just be grateful I waited until we were docked.

Goodbye and enjoy your day ashore.

Uh
-oh, Mr.

Moseby's Manning the gangplank.

He'll never let a little kid leave the ship alone.

Well, guess I'm staying.

Let's hit thwaterslide.

No, how about you slide back here? Now look, you can't leave alone, but you can leave with parents.

All right now, come on there, Sonny.

We want to get to the museum of, uh Old things.

I don't want to go to a stupid museum.

I want to stay on the ship.

Look, I don't care what you want.

If my baby doesn't want to go,
- he doesn't have to go.


- Honey, we're leaving!
- Mom!
- Boy, you keep crying, I'll give you something to cry about.

You are not the man I married.

My friends were right about you all along.


- What are you doing?
- Yes, I'm curious about that too.

Hmm
-hmm.

And this, I presume, is the stowaway! Ha! Care to explain? Well, we were supposed to be having a lovely family vacation, but when my husband doesn't get his way, he goes right to the screaming and the yelling.

Forget it, london, we're done.

Oh, we've been done for a long time! Surprise! Welcome to the kettlecorn mulch festival.


- What's mulch?
- I have no idea.

You're about to be crowned the queen of the corn.

Isn't that a horror movie? No, and you don't look very happy.

Doesn't all this hay remind you of home? I'm from New York.

The only hay you get there is, "hey, give me your money or I'll break your face And thanks for shopping with us!" Then fuhgeddaboutit! Come on, Bob for a cob.

You know what else we say in New York? Huh? That's gonna put a damper on my do
-si
-do.

Hey.

Hay Corn bobbing? Mulch festival? You're using my six
-month plan.

Guess you don't think it's so stupid after all.

Yes, I do.

You tore my six
-month plan?! B
-but I bound it myself in genuine Italian leather.

And love.

Why are you mad? I'm the victim here.

Your stupid plan backfired.

Because it was designed specifically for Bailey.

You can't just use it on someone else.

Every girl is different.

That would have been a good thing to put in the forward.

It was there.

You just didn't bother to read it.

Look, if you want to be Maya's boyfriend, why don't you start by being her friend first? Boring.

Plus that sounds like a lot of work.

It is, but That's how you find the love of your life.

Only to have her rip your heart out and toss it off the eiffel tower like a wheel of moldy brie.

Ow ow! Okay.

So if I try this friends thing, when do I get to kiss her? Month six.

Six months?! How do I spend six months with Maya and not make a move? Here.

Every time you think about how pretty she is as opposed to what she's saying, give yourself a little snap.

All right.

Can I have one without blood on it? Please let Dante stay.

A little boy needs his mother.

I wish I could help, but I just can't turn a blind eye.

Don't say it! Passengers pay a lot of money to ride this ship and I can't let you ride for free.

Okay, but maybe I could earn my way.

I could perform on the ship.

That's my boy! Like an angel he sings.

Hearing him almost makes me forget about the 32 hours of agonizing labor.

What do you say, Mr.

Moseby? Can I stay? We are short an entertainer since our Kn*fe juggler had that mishap on
-stage.

You know, to his credit, he worked his severed hand right into the grand finale.

Look, but you can't work on board without your parents' approval.

Why don't you give my dad a call right now to discuss it? Here's his number.

Oh, all right.

I guess I could give him a call.


- Yeah, you could.


- You really think your dad'll be cool with this? I think so.

Oh, now remember, your name is Reggie.

Maya Can I talk to you for a second? Depends.

Are you gonna hit me with a corny pickup line or actual corn? Neither.

Sorry about that, by the way.

Okay, look, I admit in the past I was a player, maybe even the most valuable player Ahem.

But that's over.


- Really?
- Really.

So you'd be willing to just be friends? Sure buddy.

How about we head over to the sports lounge and watch the sox
-yankee game? Okay.

But try anything and the Red Sox won't be the only ones striking out.

I'm okay with that.

Ow ow.

There.

Good as new.

Cody, Maya's gonna give me another chance.

You were so right! Who knew this getting
-to
-know
-a
-girl thing would actually work? I did!
- That's why it's in the plan.


- Yeah yeah yeah.


- Speaking of which, I need the next part.


- No no no! Thanks, bro.