03x16 - The Play's the Thing

[bunniefuu]

Class, I've finished reading your one
-act plays.

And I learned a lot about the inner workings of your minds, In some cases maybe a little too much.

Woody, I made an appointment.

For you with the school counselor.

Why? When I wrote that my stepdad Steve.

Was flattened into a pancake by a rogue steamroller.

And devoured by wolves, That was just a metaphor.

Okay, your appointment's at 3:00.

Some plays were a little wordy.

Sorry, miss tutweiller, I tend to write run
-on sentences.

Because I get a little bit confused of when I should use a comma.

And when I should use a semicolon because I know semicolons.

Are really supposed to go between closely
-related independent clauses.

But sometimes a comma is just not what you want to do Can we just get to a period?! And some plays.

Had almost no words at all.

There was a lot of subtext.

That was just a description of a guy eating a sandwich.

What were you thinking when you wrote this? I was thinking I had five minutes to get to class.

And I could really go for a sandwich.


- Did you like my play, miss tutweiller?
- Not really.

And Cody.

Cody, Cody, Cody! Your tortured touching drama.

About hearts torn asunder was so brilliant I think it deserves a broader audience.

Wow, thank you, miss tutweiller.

Now, class, for your final drama assignment.

Everyone will participate.


- In the production of Cody's play
- No.


- No!
- What? To be performed next week on the sky deck! What does his play have that mine didn't? Dialogue, plot, characters, emotions, accurate spelling, Proper grammar and the absence of a bologna bookmark.

Oh ay oh, oh ay oh Come along with me ♪ And let's head out to see ♪ ♪ What this world has ♪ For you and for me now Whichever way the wind blows
- We say
- Hey
-ho, let's go!
- Oh ay oh
- This boat's rocking
- Oh ay oh
- Ain't no stopping us now 'Cause we're living the suite life
- Oh ay oh
- This boat's rocking
- Oh ay oh
- Rocking the whole world round And we're living the suite life now Hey ho! Oh ay oh Let's go! Then there's my newest kitty Pablo "picatsso.

" He's the artist of the group.

Ugh, I can't believe Emma is dating Bruno.

The guy who cleans the sewage flap? I thought she hit rock bottom when she dated you.

I mean, what does he have that I don't have?
- Apparently her.


- Oh! Whatever! I couldn't care less who she dates.

I mean sure, we went out a couple of times, Took a tango class together.

But apparently that means nothing to her.

You really like her! Mind your own beeswax! .

Fine.

If you don't want me to tell you how to get her, I'll just go back to squeezing my kumquats.

Please! Like I need advice from you.

Mmm, let's see.

I'm 17 and you're like what? 60.


- Who's dated more babes?
- Okay, what's your advice? Well, obviously she's dating Bruno because he's a manly man, While you're more of a manly woman.

I'm all man! Said the lady in the pink jacket.

It's salmon! When does the ridicule end and the advice begin? Well, I guess I could help you find a more macho look.

You'd be willing to do that? It would be my pleasure.

Although it's going to take some time, So I'm going to need you to cover my shift.


- Okay.


- Right there.

Thank you! He did it to me again.

I can't believe miss tutweiller said she'd fail us.

If we didn't do Cody's stupid play.

Now before I announce the cast, let us set the scene A bored classroom.

No.

My play takes place in Paris, 1940.

You wrote a play about e German invasion of Paris? Well, it's a backdrop.

The heartbreak of the young, Handsome, intelligent Brody.

Who will be played by Zack Martin.

Ugh, that sounds boring.

Can't I play a flesh
-eating zombie? Now why would I.

Put a flesh
-eating zombie.

In a love story that takes place in 194os Paris? So people will show up.

Bailey, you'll play the female lead.

And for the rest of you, remember that there are no small parts, Only big actors playing small parts.

Why'd he look at me when he said that?
- And addison
- I really don't care what part I play, honestly.

I just want to be a part of the fantastic team that has.

The honor of bringing your words to life.

You're the mime.

I'll have one watermelon whip.

And 37 sardine sunrises.

I really hope those are for your cats.

That was a good workout.

Thanks for picking out my outfit for me.

You're welcome.

Oh, I still feel pretty pumped.

Boom shacka
-lacka.

Wow, marion, From looking at you I would have never guessed you were into body building.

Of course I am! I just hide it under my pink Salmon blazer.

Boy, this jar sure is hard to open.

It would take a real he
-man.

With big booms and huge shacka
-lackas to open this thing.

Let me help you with that, son.

Okay! Sometimes these things form a vacuum seal.

You really just gotta get right Come on! Miss tutweiller, this costume makes me look fat.


- You're the moon.


- Why does the moon have to be full? Because a full moon illuminates the night sky.

And has a powerful effect on the tide of human affairs below.

Well, can't a Crescent moon do that in Capri pants and a cute halter top?
- I'm gonna give you a moon, all right.


- Okay, that is enough!
- Oh whatever!
- And you give me that! Yeah, I could have done that.

It's just my hands are.

Still a little slick from rubbing my pecs with this baby oil.

And who opened that for you? Welcome to our first rehearsal.

Now remember, people, it's April in Paris, 1940.

Love is in the air, About to be blown away by the ill winds of betrayal.

Um, shouldn't we read the play before we rehearse it? No.

I want a spontaneous outpouring of emotion.

Trust me I know theater.

Making your rubber ducky talk in the bathtub is not theater.

Did you do that? Moving on.

Bailey, let's take it from your entrance.

And Action! Hello, Brody, my beloved.

Hailey, my love for you is as strong as my love for Brains
-sss!! Zack, we've been over this.

There are no zombies in this play.

Fine! My love for you is as strong as carbon graphite, As deep as the marianas trench, And as pure as the fallen snow on mighty mount I don't know who this Brody is based on, but he's a real windbag! Can we just move on? We're going to be together forever and ever.

Of course we are, honey.

Or so he thinks.

Paris is full of men and I plan.

On shaking my bonbons for each and every one of them?! This hailey character is awful!
- I don't know if I can play her.


- You'll be fine.


- Actors.


- I know.

No respect for the written word.

Shiny shiny shiny! .

Cut.

What are you doing? Letting everyone see what they came for me! Yay moon! London, wait for your cue.

You don't come out till you hear the line "you're an idiot.

" Okay! Wait wait a minute.

Brody bartin? Hailey chainlink? Miss tutweiller, this play is a thinly
-veiled portrayal.


- Of my breakup with Cody.


- Wow, ego alert! My play has nothing to do with you.

Oh really? We broke up on the top of the eiffel tower.

Your characters break up on top of the arc de triomphe.

Please.

Hailey chainlink is nothing like Bailey picket.

She has a pet pig named snorkers and comes from carmelcorn, Kansas.

Sheer coincidence.

Now why don't we take it from the part.

Where hailey cheats on Brody with a homely street mime? You know what? No! I refuse to do this piece of trash.

Hmm, too bad she can't bring that intensity.

To the performance, huh? It's not trash.

Now why don't you get back up on stage.

And shake your bonbons? Oh, that's it! You know what? I quit! And I'm taking my bonbons with me.

Fine! Go! I'll find another hailey.

I'm never gonna find another hailey.

Oh, you will.

You just need some Fresh meat!
- Bailey!
- You're an idiot! Oh oh oh! Shiny shiny shiny! .

Blah blah blah! Zack, I'll take the usual for my kitties.

Sorry, miss t, none of the cats are getting smoothies today.


- The blender's busted.


- But baryshni
-paws needs his energy boost.

Don't worry, I called maintenance.

They're on their way! I heard someone call for a maintenance man.


- Marion?
- Actually I'm going by my nickname now Thor.

Well, you're gonna be "thor" When you hit your thumb with that thing.

Oh, there we go.

That ought to do 'er.

The blade! Duck! It's okay it landed in the wall.

Wow, that was a close shave.

You have no idea.

Wait wait wait.

This is not enough seats for my audience.

We've only sold seven tickets.

Woody, Enough with the sketches.

The play is tonight.

You'd better start building the actual set.

This is it, pal.

This is my arc de triomphe? More like barf de triomphe.

I'm just carrying it in.

Your new set designer made this.

Oh, it looks better than I thought.

You're my new set designer? Yeah, miss tutweiller said she'd fail me.

If I didn't do something for your stupid play.

By the way, here's your park! Why are you being so hostile? You're the one who's hostile attacking me in your play.

For the last time, my play has nothing to do with you.

By the way, could we borrow some of your clothes for wardrobe? You all right there, sheriff? No.

You told me this outfit would make me look macho.

But it didn't impress Emma at all.

Really? Well, don't you worry.

You know what's gonna make you look really tough? A beach cop On roller skates.

Aw, forget it, Zack.

It's no use.

But I am touched.

Despite our differences in the past, You genuinely tried to help me.

You're a true friend.


- I am?
- Yeah.

Well, guess it's time for me.

To mosey back to my cabin and cry into my pillow.

Again.

Oh, hello, Emma.

Lovely hat.

Oh well, it better be.

I'm gonna be wearing it for a year.

Oh I'm so sorry about that.

Hey you! I hear you've been hitting on my woman.

Oh, it's okay, Bruno.

He was just Quiet, toots.


- The men are talking.


- Uh, Bruno, That is no way to treat a lady.

Oh yeah? And what are you gonna do about it? Okay, it's on! Ow.

You're a big bully! Marion, that was amazing.

I mean, I always admired your intellect, but I had no idea.

You were such a tough guy under that salmon jacket.

Acally it's pink.

But a real man can pull it off.

I'll say.

Yo, Zack, your plan went great.

I got rid of that crazy cat lady without the big break
-up boohoo.


- Oh, good job, man.


- Thanks, man.

Oh, Cody's play is starting.

He told me he found a last
-minute hailey.

I hope she's good.


- Um, would you like
- Love to.

Bonjour, street mime.

I'm here to meet hailey, the love of my life.

Is she beautiful? Only the most beautiful woman who has ever walked the earth.

Here she comes now.

Hello, my beloved.

Cody? I knew this day would come, But I didn't expect it so soon.

This is kinda creepy.

Hailey, my love for you is as strong as carbon graphite, As deep as the marianas trench.

And as pure as the fallen white snow.

On mighty mount Everest.

Now you're supposed to kiss me.

No, that's not going to happen.

It's in the play.

Just do it! Oh, fine.

We're going to be together forever and ever.

Of course we are, my beloved.

Or so he thinks! For Paris is full of men and I plan on shaking my bonbons.

For each and every one of them.

Oh, I'm gonna k*ll him.

Unless the audience beats you to it.

Now, Pierre, as soon as hailey comes in, Start playing some romantic music.

But of course, senor.

You have gone to a lot of trouble for this hailey.

She must be one beautiful girl.

She's gorgeous every man's dream.

Okay, this is the worst play I've ever seen.

And I saw vin diesel in "les mis.

" You wanna duck out of here? I'm the teacher.

I've been supervising this production.


- Aw heck, let's bolt.


- Okay.

Hailey's four hours late.

Where could she be? Why don't you look through the binoculars? How hard could it be to find one woman in all of Paris? I did not lock lips with a mime.

He was a painter and it was at most a lingering hug.

Happy anniversary, my beloved.

Hailey, where have you been? And don't lie! I saw you making kissy
-face with a mime in the moonlight.

Hello? Oh hi, Chelsea.

Oh nothing.


- Say good night, moon.


- Good night moon.

Oh, Brody, I'm so sorry.


- Can you ever forgive me?
- No, that's it! We're through.

I have lost.

The best thing that's ever happened to me.

I guess I will live out the rest of my days.

As a lonely spinster.

On the farm.

Watch out for that loose Rail! The end.

I can't believe you hate me so much that you k*lled me off.

Well, at least she stayed till the end.

Most people ran off crying during the first scene.

I think I made a big mistake tonight.

Yeah.

You don't have the curves to pull off that dress.

Not that! I'm talking about the play I wrote.

Yeah, that was pretty bad too.

The truth is Brody and hailey.

Are actually based on me and Bailey.

No! Yeah.

When I wrote the play, All of my hurt feelings kind of just poured out.

When I saw Bailey run off, I realized how much.

My play had actually hurt her.

Dude, it hurt all of us.

You know, maybe that night on top of the eiffel tower, I was just too angry to really listen to Bailey.

For the last few months I've been blaming her for the breakup.

But the truth is maybe I'm just as much to blame.

Well, you certainly were a lot happier when you were with her.

And clearly less confused.

I'm not confused anymore.

Breaking up with Bailey was the biggest mistake I ever made.

Then fix it! Go apologize and get her back.

You're right.

I'm not gonna waste another minute.

Uh, you might want to change.

Or at least pull your dress out of your pantyhose.

Look, Bailey, I'm really sorry.

Can we put this whole play thing behind us? Oh yeah, we can put it behind us.

We can put everything behind us.

That's great.

'Cause I was just thinking the two of us Should never speak to each other again? I agree.

You two should split the lobster.

This is a decision no king should ever have to make.

Grilled cheese.

Or peanut butter? That is the question.

I must seek guidance from my counselors.

You called us to your side, my liege? I hear you're in a pickle.

Yes, I am faced with a terrible quandary, One which will not only affect my life, But all the lives of Woody! You are eating my props! He tried to take a bite outta me backstage.

Get back here with that grilled cheese! I wouldn't be so hungry if there would have been.


- A fruit basket in my dressing room!
- Hey! If I raised your grade to a d+ can I leave now? And scene.