Teddy Told Me To (2023)

[bunniefuu]

All right, g*ng we're back in Boulder City, Nevada.

And right behind me is something insane.

Just off the main drag is this abandoned, haunted attraction

that used to be known as the Spook House

all the way back in the '90s.

And it has laid here untouched and completely forgotten

about for years.

But I think I just cracked the code

on how to get inside, dude.

No way.

Holy cow, I didn't know they left full-on props in here.

You can just see how long this stuff has been

out here decaying in the sun.

I'll try to use my flashlight as little as I possibly can

so we don't attract too much attention while we're outside.

And hopefully, I'll maybe get all the way

inside the haunt, dude.

This is where guests used to walk.

Of course, there'd be scare actors

popping out every which way.

This is unbelievable.

For those of you who haven't heard

the legend that some of the visitors to the old Spook House

were actually k*lled inside the haunt, not as part of the act,

I mean, actually k*lled here.

Hello?

Hello?

Can't be too sure.

It's so dark in here.

No way.

Do you believe how many faces there are?

Oh, yes, look at this guy.

He's still doing his duty.

This is insane.

Won't you look at the size of this place.

I could look at this for hours, but it's probably

not the best idea, given that people aren't exactly

supposed to be in here.

But at least, we got to see the inside of an abandoned

haunted attraction.

All right, guys, that's it for me.

You've done your duty.

You can go home and sleep.

No,.

This is so crazy.

That's hype.

You can't ask for better advertising than that.

You don't think it's real, do you?

Does it matter?

Yeah, it matters.

We're going to be buying this place.

I don't want to us to be next.

Well, in that case, it's not real.

It's just so weird.

This guy posts all the time, and now there's nothing.

It's just strange.

Listen.

Do you want to be slinging drinks

at the bar on the weekends for the rest of your life,

or do you want to be your own boss?

This place could make us enough money in one month

to last the rest of the year.

This is the future.

You're right.

You're right.

And there's no one I'd rather scare the bejesus out

of customers with than you, Danny.

This year.

Let's go.

Well, hi.

I'm Jan.

And you must be Dan and Zoe.

Actually, it's Danny and Zo.

Boy oh boy, was I surprised to get a call on this property.

I think every realtor in this town

has had a turn at this listing.

I

Love it already.

Can we go inside?

Yup.

You just go on right around inside.

That door's open.

Now, Dan and Zoe, you're the first couple

that I've shown this property to.

Would you let me know if you see any squatters in there?

Sure.

Thanks.

Also, it's Danny and Zo.

I didn't say anything about squatters.

She's definitely too scared to come in.

This is great.

This place is too terrifying for the realtor

even to show us around.

I mean, I was skeptical at first because of the outside,

but it's really amazing how it's like they walked out of here

and left everything.

I'm sorry.

Hey, hey, babe, check out this stuff.

That video, that's the best advertising

we could ever hope for.

Everyone already knows about this place.

It's perfect.

So what do you think?

Yes, right?

I mean, it's kind of crazy.

Yeah.

Yes.

Yeah, let's do it.

Hey, Zoe and Dan.

I just got a call, and someone wants to see this place.

Should I call them and schedule a showing for them?

Let's make her squirm just a little bit longer.

Jenny, you just sold a haunted house.

Great.

Well, I'll contact the office, and they'll email

you the paperwork to sign.

evil resides, awake in the past,

step inside.

through the walls, take your bath,

grow your.

, go go.

Hey, go go.

Hey, go go.

Hey, go go.

I should have listened to the warning.

I should have not stayed.

But a bloody Kn*fe in hand going out to play.

Hey, go go,..

Hey, go go, me alive.

Hey, go go.

cry.

Hey, go go.

Die, die, die, die.

I see you over there, yes, you.

Come on over and let Zoltar be sharing with you your fortune.

Hey.

Hi.

Would you mind putting one of these up in your window?

I'd really appreciate it.

Yeah, no problem.

Awesome.

And come down and see the haunted house.

It's going to be a lot of fun.

Oh, sure.

Bye.

Thank you.

Audition flyers are done.

Check.

But we still have a lot to do to get ready for next week.

Oh, it'll be fine.

Let's just see how many people show up to the auditions.

And trust me, speaking from experience, haunters

will love to help out, whether it means sweating your face off

behind a mask or building props, not sleeping till November.

I'll tell you what.

They're going to love every second.

True words have never been spoken

by someone who chased me with a chainsaw on our first date.

Ah.

But just in case, I did call in a reinforcement, who should

be here in 5, 4, 3, 2, now.

Guess who?

Jim.

Oh god, it's good to see you.

Good to see you, brother.

Give me some of that.

Of course.

Oh--

Please--

beautiful.

--join us.

We're just sitting here, plodding away

at our entire life's future.

Well, then allow me.

Now--

Hey, can I get you something to drink?

Oh, no.

That's OK, gorgeous.

All right.

You guys good?

Yes.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I like this town.

Now, where were we?

Let's see, all right, oh, I see long lines.

Oh, that's good.

Long lines, lots of people, screaming-hot people.

Danny, some of these people have pissed in their pants.

Oh, I see sexy babes, hot, sweating, heaving, sexy babes.

And I'm here to turn this visualization into a reality.

Now, when Zo told me what you guys had going on up here,

I knew I had to come up here, check it out for myself, set

you guys up with the most k*ller security

camera system in the world.

Hey, you don't have to do that.

We just want you to come and have a good time.

Oh, I do.

I do.

Guys, this is my passion, all this techie camera

stuff that no one knows anything about ever.

And guess what?

It's not like I can have a conversation with any chick

about this kind of stuff.

You know what I'm saying?

So yeah, this is how I have fun with you.

Oh.

Hey, it's Jan.

OK, so the groundskeeper is going to meet us in 15 minutes

to give us the keys.

Shall we?

We shall.

Come on, groundskeepers.

Said 15 minutes.

It's been 25.

So you're the folks that are here to take my job.

You must be the groundskeeper.

Yeah, Ron.

How are you?

Hey, I'm Ron.

Hi, I'm Zo.

This is Jimmy and Danny.

It's nice to meet you all.

So you've been taking care of the place for long?

Yeah, yeah, I've been taking care

of the place since the beginning of time almost.

Been here through all the good times,

the bad times, the k*lling.

And ever since then, it's been extremely quiet.

So the YouTube video--

That was real?

Well, 10 years ago, a young boy, he put on a bear mask,

and he k*lled a lady, is what he did.

Then he k*lled his family.

And so I understand he's in an insane asylum now.

What's up with the Kn*fe?

This little girl?

Keeps the bums away, a little bit of the riff-raff.

Kind of makes me look like a bad ass.

So I got keys for you, front door office and the prop room.

I've also got a list for you, some of the older employees.

Some of them are gone.

Some still come by.

My brother Eric, somewhat nosy, but he comes by periodically,

so you'll probably see him.

Wow, thank you so much for doing this for us.

Yeah, yeah, speaking of, have you ever

thought of scaring them?

I mean, you've got a great stature for it.

Maybe you could help us out.

No, no, my time to move on.

I've seen a lot, but it's time to let go.

Well, maybe you could stop by when we

have the place up and running.

Maybe.

This might come in handy.

Thanks, Ron.

I hope you guys all know what you're getting into.

Good luck.

Bye, Ron.

Did that dude just give me his gigantic Kn*fe?

Did he just say there were real murders here?

He just completely legitimized everything

we're about to do with the true and terrifying back story.

Yes.

Dude, your scariest horror story, scary ass dude.

Look at what you're wearing.

Look at what you're wearing.

Oh, your beard.

Oh, your beard.

Look at you.

Look at look.

Look at me looking at you.

You're scary.

Scary.

You're scary.

Scary.

Bro.

Bro.

Yo.

Oh!

So you two know each other?

No.

No.

We just met outside.

And they're already auditioning together.

We're going to k*ll me.

Yeah.

Not really.

Allegedly.

Oh.

I'll do anything.

I've always wanted to work at a haunted house.

Can you do a mad professor?

It's alive.

It's alive!

So one of the absolutely unbreakable rules that we

have here is don't do dr*gs.

Well, that's a given, but--

I mean, look, I'm sober.

Oh, good.

It was heroin.

Oh.

But I kicked that black devil to the curb.

Congratulations.

That is--

I lost two toes and a girl.

Oh my god.

The heroin?

Your toes?

Oh no, diabetes.

You guys got any energy drinks?

No.

I was done with that stuff anyways.

It's bad for you.

All right, well, so the unbreakable rule--

No dr*gs?

Always have fun.

I'm all about fun.

Do you think you could play a ringmaster?

Absolutely.

Come one, come all, to the greatest haunt

of all time, the scariest nightmare that

will haunt you forever.

Boom.

Halloween is great.

My favorite, favorite, favorite horror movie of all time,

though, is Neon Maniacs.

Oh boy.

Charles, we like your energy.

Yeah.

You do cosplay, right?

Oh, yeah.

You want to see my Instagram?

No.

We're thinking that you'd be a really good fit for playing

some of our creatures.

I can do all types of creatures.

Can you show us?

All right, here's Tarman, from Return of the Living Dead.

Brains.

You're hired.

All right, what's your name?

And what do you do?

Dude, I'm a chainsaw clown.

Do you have a lot of experience being a chainsaw clown?

n of the Dead, Field of screams,

13th Floor, Netherworld, Danby Haunted Village,

Calls Haunted Farm, Arabic's Haunted Hotel,

Knotts, Terror Behind the Wall, McCamey Manor, The Darkness,

Fears Game, Freakling Brother, Terrorized,

in Horror Night.

And I was at this real crappy Jaycee's Haunt for 16 years.

That's quite the resume.

What's in the cases?

This one's Betty; Old Faithful, my favorite; Lola.

This is Parker.

Kayla, Tofer, Sally Hoop.

Ha, ha, ha, what's a haunted house without a clown?

You guys are amazing.

Ha, ha!

No way.

I want to be a monster.

Mommy says I'm a little monster.

I always scare my brother Cooper when he's

coming out of the bathroom.

Can you be scary?

Oh, hired.

Yeah.

What?

Oh, ha, ha.

Well, you guys have really great presence.

That's for sure.

What's your specialty?

Actually, I'm a makeup artist.

And we're both, I guess you could say, natural performers.

Hey, we could have them as vampires with the other girl.

We've got our vamps and bonus makeup artists.

Yeah, yay, yay.

You again?

Charles, you did great the first time.

Hey.

Oh.

I'm Papa Chango.

We really want him.

Don't you know who I am?

Oh, it's just not in the budget.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Would you mind signing this headshot?

We just can't do licensed characters, guys.

Love you, though.

Oh.

Hoo-hoo, hoo, ruff, ruff, ruff.

Oh?

Is this good?

Not that kind of audition.

Hey, did you call back Evil Ned?

Yes.

Really weird.

I'll tell you later.

Yeah, I did.

Weird good or evil?

Both.

We really love your uniqueness.

I mean, there's not many haunts out there with horror hosts.

Yeah, and we've got a lot of great ideas for you too.

Such as?

Glad you asked.

When the customers leave, at the end of the haunt,

we'll have you set up, playing any number of horror movies.

And if they want to stick around, they can have a seat

and enjoy the show.

Yeah, interesting.

Tina.

Tina is great with her hands.

My lady will assist me, of course.

Of course.

What exactly does your lady do?

My lady will greet the customers while they

stand in line, lonely, eagerly anticipating

the horrors and excitement that lie inside for them.

My girl increases the anticipation.

She arouses and entices the animal instinct.

My girl guarantees a maximum number

of paying customers spending their hard-earned money on not

just tickets, but concessions and gifts from your lovely gift

shop.

We don't have a gift shop.

No gift shop?

Well, then, how will you be selling my t-shirts

to the masses?

T-shirts?

Tina.

That's really cool, but we don't sell merchandise.

It's just a haunt.

Tina, advertise.

I'm sure we can work something out.

OK, I think we have one more.

Woo-hoo, yeah, Yeah.

Woo!

Woo!

Ha, ha.

Charles, you already got the job.

That's what I'm saying.

I'm your guy.

That was one heck of a day.

Oh.

Yeah, they did a really good job.

Yeah.

I'm thinking this is going to work.

Of course, it is.

It's going to be great.

And I'm starving.

Do you want to get some dinner?

Yes, I do.

Sorry, auditions are over.

Auditions?

I'm just being nosy.

Where's Ron?

Oh, Eric.

Right, right, right.

Hey, babe, this is Eric, right?

Remember the groundskeeper said--

Yeah, yeah, hi.

--his brother would be coming by?

How do you feel about working in the haunt?

All right.

All right, well, what's your favorite part of the haunt?

k*lling.

Perfect.

Great.

All right, well, come back tomorrow at noon,

and we'll get started.

Yeah.

All right.

See you later.

Is this everybody?

I don't know.

Yeah.

All right, welcome, everyone.

I hope you're just as excited as Zo and I are.

I know we spoke individually at your auditions,

but we just wanted to say how happy we are to have you

as a part of our haunt family.

Woo.

Because the most important word here is family, right, Zo?

Yeah, exactly.

In just a few minutes, we're going

to go inside and check out the haunt,

take a look at what we're going to be doing for the next two

weeks leading up to the grand opening.

And like Danny said, hopefully you'll

feel like this is a family and not just some fun

Halloween job.

So if you are ready, let's go inside and check it out.

Yeah!

Oh, oh, oh.

Great.

Follow me.

Come on.

Well, as you can see, there's plenty of scare rooms,

ready for you to turn them into whatever your imaginations can

come up with.

And I say your imaginations because you

get to create your own room, whatever theme you'd like.

All right.

OK.

That's right, Beast.

Not only, though, do you get to make your own room,

you get to create your own characters.

Wait, we get to make our own monster, whatever we want?

Yeah.

Yeah!

That's what it means to be a part of this family.

We help each other out.

Each of you is going to help the other make their dream--

Or nightmare.

--come true.

Right, we're haunt family now.

That's how it's done.

Woo-hoo!

f*ckin' A.

All right, everyone, so this is the makeup room.

And there's a ton of costumes and tools

that you can use to create your own character,

help each other create characters.

A lot of it was left behind from the previous owners,

but I mean, use what you want.

So why did this place shut down, anyways?

m*rder.

Ah, we.

That's a story for another day.

Oh, come on.

Are there any other questions?

No?

OK, great, so for the next two weeks,

starting today, we are going to be bringing this old place back

to life and making it the best haunt going.

Now who's ready to build?

Everyone's staring, see what you will do.

Everyone's staring at you.

Everyone's screaming, freaks out tonight.

Everyone's excited to get a fright, get a fright.

Everybody's haunted for the weekend.

Everybody wants to get a glam.

Everybody's going off and creeping.

This haunted house needs a second chance.

No!

You want to rip out a haunt?

You better start on the..

You're going to put on a show.

Come on, haunted, let's go.

Everyone's spooking, ghosts, goblins,

and vamps, too.

Everyone together, we'll say, boo.

Everyone's helping to pull this thing off.

Everyone's working their butts off.

Everybody's haunting for the weekend.

Everybody wants to get a glam.

Everybody's going off and creeping.

This old haunt needs a second chance.

You want to rip out a heart?

You better start on that saw.

You're going to put on a show.

Come on, haunted, let's go.

Well, we did it.

Here we are.

Just a few days ago, we were complete strangers.

And now I really think we got something special

going on here.

And I know I can speak for Zo and myself when I say,

thank you.

Thank you, thank you so, so much.

We really are a haunt family now.

We love you guys.

And this, this is just the beginning.

Tomorrow, when we open those doors,

it's going to be two straight weeks of scaring the hell out

of paying customers.

What could be more fun than that?

f*cking A.

Anyone else have anything they want to say?

Hey, Danny, are you ever going to tell

us what actually happened here?

Yeah, man, tell us what happened.

OK, sure, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, built the haunt, so here goes.

From what the groundskeeper told us,

there was a kid in a bear mask that worked at this very haunt.

Until one night, he flipped out and totally

m*rder*d a woman for no reason.

Shucks.

Cops found his family slaughtered in their home.

He was taken away to a mental institution

and was never heard from again.

Wait.

Didn't that place burn down 10 years ago,

k*lling every patient?

I think even some doctors and nurses d*ed, too.

Yeah, that's true.

That's true.

Every patient was accounted for, except one.

Geez, Jimmy.

Wait, OK, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

That was pretty bad, but I just wanted to have some fun.

See, they liked it.

You're all full of sh*t.

You want know what happened?

You want to know the real story?

His name was Teddy.

Happy birthday, buddy.

Huh, you like that?

The kid was five years old when he got a bear for his birthday.

Oh, it is a Teddy bear, Teddy.

That bear would become the only friend he ever knew--

well, the bear and his mama.

He sure did love his mama.

You just hold onto that Teddy bear for the rest of your life.

Yeah, yours was no better.

Mine went further, so..

His daddy started feeling left out of the group.

And his eyes started to wander.

Oh, hey, mind giving me a hand?

Well, of course, of course.

Here.

Careful now.

I'm Theo, but they call me Big Ted.

Theo!

Theo, come here.

We're putting the tent up.

Looks like I have to go.

See you around.

The kid never stopped carrying that bear around.

He was a teenager now, and his daddy couldn't stand it.

Huh, too old for this sh*t.

He wanted to see that boy become a man.

He's playing.

It's too hot.

Is it?

Is it?

Big Ted wasn't feeling the love from his wife and kid.

So he found it elsewhere.

Hey, stranger.

Oh my god.

Oh, oh.

Tore their family apart that night.

It can't be.

f*ck!

Sorry.

f*cking sorry.

You're f*cking destroying this family.

OK, you're destroying this family.

I said I'm f*cking sorry, all right?

What more do you want from me?

Oh,.

f*ck, f*cking sorry.

What did you do to yourself?

You're a f*cking psycho?

What did you do to me?

You're a f*cking--

No, you are!

Oh.

Oh!

And even though he was trying to save his mama,

Theo still took everything important from the boy

that night.

Years later, he found himself in an unusual line of work,

working in this here haunted house.

He was trying to get by in life best as he could,

given his past.

Come on, bro, b*at it.

Get out of the way.

But when he saw that woman, the woman who k*lled his family--

Move it, creep.

He snapped.

Let's say his eyes were dead, no soul behind them.

His face was blank, the only thing, a smirk.

And with that, he was proud of what he did.

All right, well, I guess that's it for tonight.

We've got a big day ahead of us tomorrow.

So let's all just go home and get some rest.

And be back here at 4:00 ready to scare, huh?

Oh, ho, ho, you're looking good.

You want to come and check out the office?

Guess what?

this door right here.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Jimmy, you are doing such a good job.

Everything looks amazing.

We are going to have the best opening night.

Oh, oh.

What?

What's that?

Can you make it go bigger?

Hmm.

Oh.

What?

What the hell is that?

Hey, Danny?

Yeah?

Danny, get in here.

What?

What's going on?

What is this?

Oh, look.

This is unbelievable.

It's disgusting.

What?

Why?

Because people d*ed here.

Oh, it's like folklore.

No.

We can't have local's spending their hard-earned money

and ending their night with this.

Zo, Zo, come on, you're looking at this all wrong.

People in this town already know the Teddy story.

This just adds a little personal flair to the scares--

the haunted house down the street, the girl

k*lled by the train tracks.

This is one of those local legends.

What about the victims?

What about their families?

What if their parents come here and see this.

Well, they're long gone by now, probably--

even if not the point of this was

to make as much money as possible.

Money?

You're talking about money?

This is supposed to be fun.

Making money is fun.

You know what?

I'm not listening to you.

Go home, man.

You're pissed over this?

Come on, Zo.

Gee, I bet you'll be singing a different tune when

we're cashing the checks.

Gawd.

Anybody see my cleaver?

Does anybody have any Tums?

All right, listen up, everyone.

It's almost show time.

I got one more rule.

No phones.

Please drop your phones in the pumpkin.

Come on, no one's going to be scared if you're

scrolling on Instagram.

Thank you.

Look, hey, I'm going to do it, too.

The thing is my mom.

She'll be fine.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

And remember, never break character and have fun.

All right, let's get to our places, party people.

Let's get them, Chippy.

Roo!

Roo!

How are you doing?

Feeling good?

We're ready, boss.

We're going to k*ll it tonight.

We're going to k*ll it.

How are you two?

Yeah, woo!

Right on.

Are you clowns ready?

Yeah.

We are going to be the scariest room in this haunt.

We are going to scare the piss out

of everyone who comes through this room, right?

It's going to be amazing.

We are going to get that silver pin, right, guys?

Woo-hoo.

We are going to k*ll it.

It's our night tonight, Chubby Unicorn.

It's our night.

Looking good, man.

Thanks, man.

Here we go.

Yeah.

We're going to scare the sh*t out of everybody.

Sure.

Totally insane.

grrrr!

My mask is awesome.

Oh, you're right.

Oh, thanks, man.

Oh, it's going to be so scary.

All right.

I know.

Look at it.

Check this out.

It looks great, doesn't it?

Looking rad, man.

I know.

Awesome.

I can't wait.

Oh, let's see.

Very nice.

Very nice.

Zo?

Yeah, what's up?

Do you think we're going to scare a lot of people tonight?

I certainly hope that we will.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Is this too tight?

No, it's good.

Zo?

Yeah, what's up?

Will the real Teddy come back to k*ll more people?

That is just a story.

And we are all fine.

Danny said he escaped.

You know what?

Danny doesn't know everything.

And we are perfectly safe here at the haunt.

OK.

Am I scary.

So scary.

How are we doing?

Well, we are all set here, my friend.

Now, look I've got my cameras up,

and my eyes are on everyone.

The question is, how are you doing?

Stressed.

Yeah, you look it.

Listen, relax, Danny boy.

Relax.

You are going to have a great night tonight, lots

of money, lots of honey.

You don't think that Teddy thing's a little much, do you?

You mean this, that crazy, psycho

sh*t that that other guy was painting?

Yeah.

Zo is pretty pissed over it.

She says it's gone too far.

Oh, maybe she's got a point.

Bzzzz, whatever.

Look, I mean, listen, you, my friend,

are going to make a lot of money off this urban legend

tonight, OK?

Yeah.

I get where she's coming from.

Don't get me wrong.

But the green is important, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, this is Jimmy here.

Would old Jimmy steer you wrong?

No, no, he wouldn't.

That's right.

That's right.

Give me some.

Now you, OK, you get out there, and I

want you to get those customers full of fright.

I'm going to break character.

Here we go.

Old boy scout comes through again.

All right, boils and ghouls, it's show time.

Welcome to the freight zone.

Come on down.

Hello.

Hello.

Two for you.

Come in there and have a good time.

I am so excited.

Oh, we're going to have so much fun.

No, you're not.

I'm going to scream a lot.

No, you're not.

Here is one for you.

And remember, don't touch the monsters,

and the monsters won't touch you.

Come on.

Hello.

That shirt's amazing.

I love it.

Two tickets.

Which one of you is going to be more scared?

Let's hear it?

It must be really scary.

That's pretty exciting.

Get in there.

Take your ticket.

Come on, dear.

All right, looking good, ladies.

I think it's about time we get you two out there.

We're almost ready.

Almost.

You know, boss, how are you feeling?

You're looking a little stressed.

Stressed?

I'm fine.

I'm OK.

Just OK?

Sure you're OK?

I think we can make you feel a little bit better.

One for you.

This better be good.

Oh, it will be.

And for the record, don't touch the monsters,

and the monsters won't touch you.

Right.

Miss you.

Cute.

Welcome to the greatest show on earth--

my k*ller clowns, Ralph, the elephant boy.

b*at it, Bozo.

You cannot leave.

You cannot leave.

Take a seat, big top kiwi.

Thank you.

Enjoy.

Oh!

All right, what's this big deal?

Look at it.

It moves, man.

Moves a lot better than you do.

You, huh?

You threatening me?

Hey, don't be touching it.

Did I touch you?

You can't be touching that.

Oh, no, I can touch you, but you can't touch me.

I did.

I did.

did.

I did.

Take it easy.

Why don't you go back to punk rock..

Yeah, whatever.

Whatever, man.

Take it easy.

You know what, man?

Just stand over here.

Just leave me alone, all right?

Are you guys ready for the greatest show on earth?

You're going to have the time of your afterlife.

Come on, the show is about to begin.

Follow me.

Welcome, my wicked and filthy minions, to the theater

of doom.

I am your host evil Ned.

Sit back.

Enjoy the show.

And remember, it's only a nightmare when you sleep.

It's horror when you open your eyes.

It's like digital stuff.

I don't believe in it.

All right.

If I can't touch it.

All right,.

Stay so all right.

Plastic.

I could make this.

Horns stuffed.

Yeah!

Ah!

Idiot.

Don't touch the monsters--

grrrr-- and the monsters won't touch you.

Oh, no.

He's not part of the show.

Hello.

Hi.

Are you excited?

Definitely.

Let me hear how excited?

Beautiful.

There you go.

Enjoy.

Come on down.

Hey, Danny, where are you?

You're supposed to be up here.

Whoa, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Where are you going?

Whoa, oh, oh!

Oh.

Hey, Angela, have you seen Danny?

He was supposed to go and come back.

And I have not seen him anywhere.

Oh, geez.

Hey, Jimmy.

Jimmy, do you copy?

Yes, yeah, go ahead, go ahead.

Can you see where Danny is?

He's supposed to meet me at the front by now.

Yes, ma'am, give me a sec.

Yeah, it looks like he is still in the makeup room helping

some of the actors get ready.

OK, thanks, Jimmy.

Hi.

Hello.

Welcome.

Thank you.

Thank you so much for coming out.

Mm-hmm, feel a little bit better?

Hmm?

Much better.

I think so.

Oh, ho.

Well.

Frank, baby, you beautiful, beautiful man.

I'm ready.

Are you ready?

I'm psyched.

We're going to take the title this year, huh?

This place is going to be so much

better than the Slaughterhouse.

That place sucked.

Someone's coming.

Here we go.

I've got you.

I'm going to catch you.

I'm going to get you Man,

I thought you were a customer.

I was all ready to go and everything.

What are you doing here?

Wait.

Danny, seriously, where are you?

Gawd, I love my job.

Not a clue.

Let's go, ya!

Oh, oh my.

It's the chain saw fights.

Oh my god.

Oh, it's so realistic.

This is the best haunt I've ever seen, man.

For real, oh my god, it's amazing.

Oh!

Ah!

Oh, oh!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah.

Don't, don't go in the basement.

Don't, don't with the..

Don't, don't f*ck with a Ouija board.

Stop--

f*cking.

One f*cking arm of your old g*dd*mn life.

If the lights go out, if there's a weird noise,

if there's a crazy dumb sh*t a front door.

Don't, don't go in the the basement.

Don't, don't down.

Don't f*ck with creepy dolls.

Don't, don't be a dumb sh*t.

It doesn't matter.

I'll probably end up k*lling you anyway.

Angela, I need you to go and get Danny right now.

Nope.

It's too creepy.

Oh, move.

Get out of my way.

Well, I'm sorry, ma'am.

You have to wait in line just like everyone else.

Sorry

Ooh, what is wrong with you people?

You cannot open this.

Whoa, whoa.

You know what happened here.

What is wrong with you?

Danny, Jimmy, I need you guys down here now.

Drop whatever you're doing and get Danny out to the front.

Now!

Yes, ma'am.

Where are you, Danny boy?

Oh, let's see.

Where are they?

Uh-huh.

Hey, ringmaster, are you there?

Ring master, pick up.

Hey, ringmaster, get there, moron.

You're not at your post.

What the hell?

Oh.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Danny, what are you doing?

Am I the only one doing their job tonight?

Hey, Zo, you there?

Hey, Jimmy, what's going on?

Did you get Danny?

Is he on his way up here?

Ah, not yet.

Listen, three of the rooms are empty.

What do you mean?

What's empty?

Yeah, look, the carnival room, the mad lab, the meat room,

they're all empty.

What?

Where are they?

I don't have time for this.

I need Danny up here now.

I don't know, no ringmaster, no Spot, no Dot, no nobody.

Well, there's Teddy.

What's he doing in there?

There's Teddy.

See, you knew.

How dare you open this?

I'm putting an end to this now.

All right, hey, Zo, are you still there?

Listen, I'm going to go get Danny.

I'll be right back.

Jimmy, Jimmy.

Well, you know, the doors have been open for a while.

I think you ladies should go out and get started.

Oh, we can get it started.

Let's definitely get started.

You know, I should probably be at the front.

I think Zo is going to be looking for me.

I'll be at the front.

Why is no one in their rooms?

Go back to toy box.

They know it's us.

We can still have fun with each other.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, get out of here creep.

Why are they looking at us?

What are you?

What?

Hey, computers.

Guys, I don't want to break up the party.

I don't really want to see any--

what?

My god, Jimmy, what are you doing?

Jimmy?

Jimmy?

Please pick up.

Zo, it's Danny.

Listen, do not let any more customers in, OK?

It's Jimmy.

I think he k*lled Roxie and Zin.

Where is everybody?

Nobody's in their rooms.

I've got to stop him before he does anything else.

I'm sorry, everyone, we're closed.

What?

That's horseshit.

We've been waiting for hours.

OK, I need you to stay here.

You are in charge, OK?

I'm the boss?

Yes.

f*cking A.

Come on.

Come on.

Where is everyone?

Pretty sweet hammer, am I right?

Check this out.

I'm going shock them screams out of them tonight.

There, you want to check it out?

And so the coolest part is it's all self-contained up here.

It's all wrapped around.

Hold on a second.

OK, someone's coming.

Go ahead and use that for now.

Danny.

Jimmy?

Jimmy, I know you're in here.

Stay back!

I said stay back.

I know what you did.

I saw you.

You what?

I saw you standing over their bodies on the security camera.

No, no, no, no, no.

Zo sent me to find you.

Now, you were in there with those babes, who were alive.

And they were all over you.

And then when I get there, you're gone, and they're dead.

Well, if it wasn't you--

Well, then who was it

Who's there?

Teddy.

Eric, we know it's you

Not Eric, Teddy.

Teddy who?

Teddy told you to.

Who.

The haunt!

Roar!

Charles!

Stop.

I got you.

I got you, didn't I?

Come on, it's not safe in here.

All right, stop.

What is going on?

Come on.

Charles.

They were just here.

Who was just here?

Teddy.

Look, there's the blood.

That's just fake blood, the same stuff

we've been using all night.

Look, good, old-fashioned corn syrup.

Oh.

Oh, God.

Oh, no.

That big stuff tastes like pennies.

Go to the box office.

Call the police.

Stay with the little Angela.

And tell him to get here fast.

Zo.

Go!

Do it.

Oh gawd.

They know it's us They know it's us.

They know it.

Teddy.

No!

No.

No.

How do you like my toy box?

You.

It can't be.

Who, Teddy?

The only thing he ever loved was that bear.

It's the only way I can feel close to him.

The age doesn't match.

Ted Sr. b*at up big Ted.

But you said he k*lled his whole family.

That ain't entirely true now, is it?

Makes more better folk tale saying he k*lled us all.

Truth is he was only ever after me.

But he couldn't do it then, and you ain't going to do it now.

No!

Hey, you all, carpetbagger here, coming

to you live from the West.

I'm actually at an abandoned haunted house.

There was actual murders that were

thought to be connected to the haunted house in the '90s.

And they actually reopened after that.

But actually, the door is open, and we're just

going to go in and poke around.

So please follow me.

What's this?

A face right there.

I don't know.

It looks like someone's been camping out in here.

It's a Teddy Ruxpin.

It's face.

Oh my gosh.

Oh, what is that?

Look at that, freaking terrifying.

Oh, gawd.

What?

Oh where are we even?

Oh!

Oh!

Not, no!

Are you ever going to tell us what actually happened here?

Yeah, man, tell us what happened.

There was a kid in a bear mask that worked at this very haunt.

He was taken away to a mental institution

and was never heard from again.

Didn't that place burn down 10 years ago?

You're all full of sh*t.

You want to know the real story?

His name was Teddy.

Be careful what you wish for.

It's a steal.

Make a deal with the devil, that's

struggle you're going to love.

You don't see what you're buying.

Knee deep in sh*t, I'm not lying.

You've been warned by the crazies..

All you see is making money, having fun and the laughter.

You got it, the people who set up the stage,

but when Teddy comes to play, you're

all trapped in the same cage.

Terrible, terrible Teddy, try to make Yo Yo, one chainsaw clown,

flying guts out of the slow mo.

And the camera still catches.

It's too busy with Al..

That night that Ron Kate..

And you tell her what the f*ck she just

started, bringing Teddy you

can tie-in the theme park.

These people all around are getting

,, a record player with us, every

the pit star.

is coming down for revenge,

face off with.

Teddy, Teddy, Teddy's going to meet you.

We're going to k*ll it tonight.

We're going to k*ll it.

Teddy told me he's going to ,, b*at

your ass out back, where your friends have d*ed.

Teddy told me to, Teddy, Teddy.

Teddy told me to.

We're going to scare the sh*t out of everybody.

Teddy.

His daddy.

So Teddy.

So farmers have to die.

Carmen, man, you're so good.

with heavy mallets in your face.

When Teddy comes ,, ain't

no such thing as a safe place.

In the worst way, it's kind of like our first date.

Teddy puts and you squirt out

like your toothpaste.

Teddy, your dad, he d*ed, in the dirt blood,

caught up in them Teddies while your friends were

getting phones.

What a sight, stud.

I know you might love if you saw your girl getting bad

with the.

They don't show mercy, end up dead like

that.

Like a mouse, you are caught.

Face off with a k*ller, Teddy f*cking..

Teddy told me he's coming back for revenge.

Face off with a bunch of Teddy girls again.

Teddy told me to, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy told me to.

We're going to k*ll it tonight.

We're going to k*ll it.

Teddy told me he's going to break inside, leave

your ass out back, where your friends have die.

Teddy told me to, Teddy.

Teddy.

Teddy told me to.

We're going to scare the sh*t out of everybody.

Teddy tole me he's coming back for revenge.

Face off with the legend, Teddy kills again.

Teddy's going to, Teddy.

Teddy.

Teddy told me to.

We're going to k*ll it tonight.

We're going to k*ll it.

Teddy told me he's going to break your spine,

leave your ass out back, where your friends have d*ed.

Teddy told me to, Teddy, Teddy.

Teddy told me to.

We're going to scare the sh*t out everybody.

Will the real Teddy come back to k*ll more people?

Don't touch the monsters, and the monsters won't touch you.

You're all full of sh*t.