[cheers]
[host] San Francisco!
How are y'all doing tonight?
[audience whistling]
[host] Ladies and gentlemen,
Dave Attell!
[audience cheering and applauding]
Welcome to the special.
[audience continues cheering]
[whistling]
Thank you.
Hey, I hope I can live up
to that four-man standing ovation.
[audience laughing]
Yeah.
- [man] We love you, Dave!
- Oh, dude. This is it now.
And you know,
even though I look
like I run my own escape room,
I want you to know this.
You can leave whenever you want.
[audience laughing]
I see everyone's having a drink,
and I like that too.
Now there's a couple of drinks
you gotta watch out for.
One of them,
White Claw Hard Seltzer. Yeah.
I've been around for a while, guys.
This is the hardest of the seltzers.
[audience laughing]
And hard seltzer is the gateway drink
to a soft penis.
- Yeah.
- [audience laughing]
That's right.
If you're up for a night of apologies,
and "this never happens to me" and...
[audience laughing]
...maybe, just maybe a game of Uno,
then that's the drink for you.
[audience laughing]
But I see a lot of couples in the room
and I'm a little jealous cause, um,
I met a girl in Texas
and I was going to fly her into this show,
but her flight was canceled,
so I guess we're going to have that kid.
- And you know... Yeah.
- [audience laughing]
Let it out. You got that one.
I know you got that.
[audience cheering]
Oh, that's all right.
[audience whistling]
That joke's about flying, everyone.
Yeah.
Everyone hates a connecting flight.
Worst connecting flight I ever had
was three years ago.
Yeah, it was, um,
Wuhan to Brazil to Florida, and...
- [audience laughing]
- Yeah.
Got on with a scratchy throat,
got off with a high fever.
Didn't think much of it.
Got on a Megabus and hit Washington DC.
[audience laughing]
I was just in Washington DC
and I gotta tell you
it is so much different
from when I stormed it, you know?
- [audience laughing]
- Come on.
I know how I look. Come on, guys.
[chuckling] I know.
I have that January 6 look.
I get it, okay?
[audience laughing]
But relax, I'm a Biden man, all right?
Yeah. Hunter Biden.
- [audience laughing]
- Now, thank you.
Nice one.
[audience applauding]
I'm in San Diego, which is my
most favorite town in Mexico
and you know, oh...
[audience cheering]
That's where SeaWorld is.
Do you know SeaWorld?
The aquatic Auschwitz.
- [audience laughing]
- Either way, yeah.
A big puddle of sad if you ask me.
Now I'm not an ocean guy, all right?
Even though I look like I know my way
around a tugboat.
I'm not an ocean guy.
[audience laughing]
Hey, you know what?
You see me in the ocean,
I'm going to the bathroom. Yeah.
[audience laughing]
I was down at the Wharf. Have you been
down there? Fisherman's Wharf?
Oh my God.
I think I did it.
That is the only place
where you can step
in dog, man, and seal sh*t.
- Yeah.
- [audience laughing]
Yeah, the trifecta, I did it.
Dog, man, seal.
Wow.
Don't you think once you do all three,
dog, man, and seal,
the mayor should come out and shake
your hand, like, "Hey, you know what..."
[audience chuckling]
I was hit by a bicycle.
Yeah. No.
No, it was my fault.
It was my fault.
I was standing on the sidewalk.
I mean, you know...
[audience laughing]
You stand on the sidewalk,
you get hit by a bike.
I mean, what?
That's the world we live in now.
And the guy who hit me was
a food delivery guy. Yeah.
A third responder.
That's right.
[audience laughing]
These guys are heroes delivering
heroes to heroes.
Yeah. Applaud them.
[audience cheering]
It's really tough 'cause
there's no late-night food anymore.
It's all gone.
I don't know when it happened,
but no food after 11.
You don't believe me?
I'll take it through it, okay?
I'm in Milwaukee, which is a great town.
Milwaukee, great town, no late-night food,
which kind of explains Jeffrey Dahmer.
- Now...
- [audience laughing]
Hey...
This guy was a monster, all right?
I am not condoning anything he did.
But you get hungry, am I right?
I mean, come on.
[audience laughing]
All I'm saying is pack a snack, all right?
[audience laughing]
Now I do trail mix. Anybody?
I always travel with a bag of trail mix,
the most unsatisfying snack, am I right?
I mean, honestly, let's call it
what it really is. Are you ready?
Not enough M&Ms.
I mean, that's what trail mix is.
[audience laughing]
Every handful is just another handful
of disappointment. Am I right?
It's kind of like the hug of a stepdad.
- I mean, it just doesn't...
- [audience laughing]
Yeah. I knew we had a couple
of broken toys in the room.
This crowd is hot.
I mean, you guys are
really doing it for me.
[audience cheering]
Today... Yeah, it's good.
It's all good.
[audience cheering]
Today I, um, I treated myself
to a little trip to Subway.
You know it? The sandwich shop.
Yeah, it's open, full capacity, and um...
[audience laughing]
I go in and it's just me and the guy
making the sandwiches, you know?
And I'm like, dude, this is awesome.
I can't believe it,
it's just you and me in here.
[audience chuckling]
Take the gloves off.
- All right, yeah.
- [audience laughing]
Bareback me a sandwich.
I said it.
I'm not making it up, I said it.
Raw dog me a BLT, come on!
[audience laughing]
I wanna feel you on that meat!
[audience laughing]
Oh. They know
what they're doing over there.
I had a 6-inch,
but I swear to God, 12 came out.
It was that good.
Boom. I'm crushing it, am I right?
k*lling it here tonight.
And even though you guys kind of
have the energy of a Salesforce meeting,
I really appreciate you coming in here.
[audience cheering]
You all right? Good.
[audience laughing]
[Attell chuckles]
Oh, guys. I'll never forget
where I was when the Queen went down.
Yeah.
[audience laughing]
I went down to Burger King.
[audience laughing]
People were so upset they were ripping
the crowns from their heads.
[audience laughing]
One guy was so distraught
he jumped behind the counter
and p*stol-whipped the cashier
as he screamed, "mo' ketchups."
Now,
mo' ketchups.
She would have wanted it that way.
[audience laughing]
Mo' ketchups.
If that isn't a catchphrase, what is?
[audience laughing]
All the great catchphrases
have been taken, am I right?
Like, um, Dyn-O-Mite,
or um, Talk to the Hand,
or um, Allah Akbar.
All the good ones are gone.
- [man] sh*t.
- [audience laughing]
Let it out.
You know who's my queen?
I'll tell you who's my queen. My mom.
She's 87 years old.
Yeah.
[audience cheering]
87 years old.
No, you don't have to applaud,
she's not trans.
But um...
[audience laughing]
87 years old, people.
I'm a good son, people.
You know what I did for my mom?
I built her a ramp, yeah.
It was time for her to come back in.
- That's right.
- [audience laughing]
For two years she was feral
and wild, living in the yard.
She was naked, I was afraid.
[audience laughing]
But now she's back in
and better than ever.
[audience chuckling]
Old people.
They need companionship.
Loneliness, that's right,
is one of the big K*llers of the elderly.
Loneliness, and salt.
- Loneliness.
- [audience laughing]
I'm a good son.
I would not put up with that.
You know what I did?
I signed her up for OnlyFans.
- Yeah, that's what I did.
- [audience laughing]
I did the photography.
[audience laughing]
I took a tasteful pic,
I'm talking very tasteful,
of her trying to get out
of her shower chair.
And you know what?
[audience laughing]
Like a mermaid.
- Yes.
- [audience laughing]
She looked like a mermaid.
By that, I mean wet and she couldn't walk.
Either way...
[audience laughing]
Can't a boy love his mother anymore?
Is that a crime?
- [audience cheering]
- Thank you. Thank you.
My mom sprained her arm
and now it's in a sling
and you're not allowed to touch it.
So I'm a good son.
You know what I did for her?
I bought her a falcon.
Yeah.
[audience laughing]
[chuckling] He guards his arm.
Relax, that joke sucks. Either way...
[audience laughing]
When I was a boy,
my mom used to read me Dr Seuss.
Now I know that's considered hate speech.
I mean, I know it right now.
So forgive me in advance,
but back then it was just a mom
and this boy enjoying some reading.
She would read me some Dr Seuss
right before bed.
She would read me Dr Seuss,
kiss me on the forehead,
seig heil me and turn out the light.
And you know what?
[audience laughing]
[Attell laughs]
I was her little fhrer.
Either way...
[audience laughing]
Guys, racism is wrong no matter
how funny and dead-on it is
so don't do it, all right?
[audience laughing]
Like this next couple of jokes.
Here we go.
[audience laughing and cheering]
We live in a crazy world, guys.
And you know who I have my eye on?
I'll tell you who I got my eye
on right now, this Kim Jong Un.
Yeah.
And I'm going to say it tonight.
I don't care if I lose
my entire North Korean fan base.
I don't give a sh*t.
[audience laughing]
I don't care if I never work
Panmunjom again.
[audience laughing]
That's the Sacramento of North Korea,
all right?
[audience laughing and cheering]
This Kim Jong is a meanie.
He is a mean mean.
But he looks so ticklish.
I mean, look at him.
[audience laughing]
Don't you just want
to tickle, tickle, tickle him till he
queefs duck sauce all over the dojo mat?
[audience laughing]
It's over now.
It's over, guys.
[audience laughing]
Thank you.
I love it, guys.
[audience chuckling]
I've got to give a shout-out to my man
Optimus Prime for turning into a stage
and um...
[audience laughing]
You know, since I'm the only comic
in America who doesn't have a podcast,
this is my moment, all right?
- Here we go.
- [audience cheering]
Vape.
Vape.
Vaping is k*lling people.
We're losing an entire generation
of Joshuas, Noahs, and Logans to vaping.
[audience laughing]
Think about the scooters
that will never be scooted.
- [audience laughing]
- [Attell chuckles]
The TikTok challenges
that will never be answered.
[audience laughing]
Dying of vape is the lamest of all deaths.
Dying of vape is like drowning
in an above-ground pool.
[audience laughing]
You could have stopped swimming
and walked to the ladder.
But you were too proud. Now you're dead.
[audience laughing]
Do you think if you drown
in an above-ground pool you go to heaven?
I don't think so.
- [audience laughing]
- [Attell chuckling]
I think you go right back
to Bakersfield and start again.
There you go.
It's a local joke. It's a local joke.
- [audience laughing]
- Easy.
Easy.
- [audience cheering]
- Yeah.
That's the part
of California no one knows.
[audience laughing]
That's where the almonds come from, yeah.
I was out that way,
I went to a strip club, not the best.
That's what it was called, Not the Best.
[audience laughing]
There were some rough
and ready ladies in there,
tatted from head to toe.
Do you guys like tats?
- You do, don't you?
- [man] Yeah.
Aren't tattoos way more erotic
than unexplained bruises?
Am I right?
Yeah, they are.
You know they are.
[audience laughing]
One of the ladies had
a big owl tattoo on her back,
which I thought was kind of classy,
but underneath was written,
"Hoo's next?"
And I didn't like it. Nice one.
[audience laughing]
I met someone on one of these apps,
I think it was, uh, CarMax,
and you know, yeah...
she was old and I was old,
and we really went at it.
Old on old, have you seen it?
You'll smell it before you see it,
I'll tell you that.
She knew what she was doing.
She got on top of me, yeah, and rode me.
She rode me, people, yeah.
Not like a horse.
That's for young people, no.
She rode me like a bus.
- Yeah.
- [audience laughing]
She just sat there
wearing her coat, holding her bags.
[audience laughing]
- For like an hour and a half.
- [audience laughing]
An hour and a half, everyone.
I didn't want to wake her.
[audience laughing]
[cell phone ringing like a siren]
Oh, awesome.
I just moved up on the kidney list.
Yeah.
[audience laughing]
Now, I never lie to the crowd,
so I might as well tell you.
This is performance-enhanced.
You know that right now, right?
Right before I hit the stage,
I popped a Centrum Silver.
- Did you know that?
- [audience laughing]
- That's a multivitamin.
- [audience cheering]
Yep. I've got a bukkake of health
and nutrition coursing through my body.
[Attell chuckling]
I have the prostate
of a 21-year-old pick a pronoun.
But you know what?
[audience laughing]
I take vitamins every day.
I know they don't really work.
They're kind of like prayers.
But you know what?
[audience laughing]
Tummy prayers, that's what I call them.
Relax, everyone.
I'm talking about selfish prayers.
They don't work, okay?
Prayers for the world, they're working.
Look outside.
Am I right?
[audience laughing]
It's fantastic out there.
Here's a little story.
I'm sitting at the dog park 'cause when
I sit at the playground, things happen.
- [audience laughing]
- And um, yeah...
I get it.
I'm serious, I can clear a playground
in like three minutes, honestly.
[audience laughing]
You know what weather I look the best in?
The fog.
That's really where I look the best.
I'm serious. In the fog holding a lantern.
[audience laughing]
Who goes there?
- Friend or foe?
- [audience laughing]
You know, fog talk.
[man] Yeah!
Better late than never.
[audience laughing]
[Attell] I love you, buddy.
I will give you that ride to rehab.
San Diego, here we go.
[audience laughing]
You ever do mushrooms?
- [audience cheering]
- [Attell] Yeah.
I know in this town, mushrooms...
yeah, exactly.
You all got to do them,
it's like jury duty.
Either way...
[audience laughing]
One time I took mushrooms
and I went to a petting zoo, I think.
Or maybe it was a poorly-guarded farm.
- I'm not exactly sure what it was.
- [audience laughing]
But there were animals there.
And I didn't go empty-handed.
I brought a bag of baby carrots with me.
The wet ones,
you know what I'm talking about?
Baby carrots at a petting zoo, awesome.
They were into it.
Now at first, I was a little nervous.
Okay, it's late.
So I just put a baby carrot in my hand
and I put it over a fence,
and closed my eyes.
And something ate it, all right?
You guys have been downtown.
You know what I'm talking about, right?
[audience laughing]
Then I got a little bold.
I put one in my mouth. I did.
And I lean in.
Out of the dark this goat,
this big old goat,
comes right
and he eats it right outta my mouth.
Like he's giving me a little kiss.
[audience laughing]
Now would you quit? 'Cause I didn't.
[audience laughing]
I've got a big bag of baby carrots.
I put one in this ear, one in that ear,
and this goat had a buddy.
He had a friend,
and they both came at me at the same time
and they started nibbling it outta my ear,
like they were telling me a secret.
[audience laughing]
Now I can't be the only one in this room
who's been Eiffel Towered by two goats.
That's impossible.
[audience laughing]
Then the mushrooms kicked in, all right?
[audience laughing]
Now I've got five baby carrots
in my assh*le, all right?
I've got five in my A. Yeah.
And you're like, "Dave,
how do you do five? I can only do three."
[audience laughing]
You gotta train with a sweet potato
- You gotta do it. Train like you fight.
- [audience laughing]
Now I never thought
a goat could call a cop,
but either way...
[audience laughing]
As they led me away, I swear to God
I heard, "Mo' ketchups."
- Now...
- [audience applauding]
Thank you.
I'm not much of a storyteller,
but you guys were there
with me the whole way through.
[audience cheering]
Thank you, buddy.
You're too good to me.
You know what I'm trying to say
with that joke? I'm lonely.
What does real loneliness look like?
I'll tell you.
Your own reflection in a microwave door.
- That's what it looks like.
- [audience laughing]
That sad face, staring at it.
Turn, turn, turn!
Turn into a woman, do it!
[audience laughing]
Oh. You guys are really...
you're cheering me up, that's for sure.
[audience laughing]
The other days I had it bad.
Yeah, I had it real bad the other day.
I was sitting in my car,
windows up, engine on,
letting the carbon monoxide do its job.
- Yeah.
- [audience laughing]
And just as I was about to go out,
I'm talking final exit,
that's when God sent me the angel.
And the angel just knocked on my window
and said, "Are you my Uber?"
And then I drove the angel. Yeah.
[audience laughing]
Let's talk money now. Are you ready?
Let's do it. Here it comes.
A lot of people do crypto.
I don't do that sh*t.
I don't do it, people.
I'm old-school.
I metal detect.
- Anybody else metal detectors?
- [audience laughing]
Metal detecting. That's right, guys.
Even though I'm dressed
for collecting cans,
I'm a metal detector man.
[audience laughing]
Where are the other metal detector guys?
Thank you, brother. Yeah.
It's mysterious, isn't it?
Another treasure hunter in the room.
[chuckling] Yes.
Cans on, stick on the ground.
[whirring]
[audience laughing]
I'm gonna give you guys a peek into
the mysterious world of metal detection.
Here it comes.
Here's something you'll never hear
a metal detector guy say. Ready?
"Well, I'd better be getting home.
She's probably worried about me."
You know?
[audience laughing]
There is no home and there is no she.
[audience laughing]
You just keep going and going
and going till the battery dies.
NFTs, you know what I'm talking about?
I don't do that.
Okay? I'm old.
I do it old-school.
I buy and sell ivory.
Yeah.
[audience laughing]
[Attell chuckling]
It's a joke.
It's a joke. Relax.
It's a joke.
[audience laughing]
I'm just kidding around. It's a joke.
And some jokes should only be told
on the deck of a whaling boat.
- I get it.
- [audience laughing]
How did I make my money? How did I do it?
Stock market! Yeah.
Don't listen to the experts.
They're chumps.
Go with your gut, see which way
the wind's blowing. Go all in.
[audience chuckling]
Three years ago I saw
what was happening and I did it.
I put every cent I had,
I'm talking everything,
into Confederate flags.
Yeah.
- [audience laughing]
- Crushing it!
I heard that if you come
on a Confederate flag and bury it,
a cr*cker Barrell will grow. Is that true?
- [audience laughing]
- Boom.
Get a test.
All right.
[audience laughing]
[Attell chuckling]
You gotta love that cr*cker Barrell.
Am I right?
Southern cooking. Mmm!
It is amazing what you'll eat
when you don't believe in evolution.
That's for sure.
- [audience laughing]
- [Attell chuckling]
p*rn, yes or no?
[audience cheering]
People, we're talking p*rn.
Now do I watch p*rn?
Is that what you wanna know?
Yes.
I watch p*rn, but not as much
as I look like I watch, all right?
[audience laughing]
I only watch it
till the library closes, okay?
[audience laughing]
Everybody's in these three-ways now.
How many people have had a three-way here?
- [audience cheers]
- Yeah? Okay.
Here's a little heads-up.
If you see me with two women,
that's a wellness check, all right?
[audience laughing]
Rough play. Anybody, rough play here?
Yeah. Okay, cool.
BDSM, do you know what I'm talking about?
Bondage.
One time a woman on the web wanted
to tie me to a mortgage.
But other than that...
[audience laughing]
What's going on now is
there's a renaissance of sex toys.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Sex toys. Watch this.
How many women own a vibrator?
- [audience cheers]
- Yeah. There you go.
Not as many as I would think.
I guess this is kind of
the farm-to-table crowd, so...
[audience laughing]
We're talking fingers, am I right?
Fingers, you know, acoustic.
Is that what you guys are doing?
[audience laughing]
How many guys have seen
a woman use a vibrator? Get that hand up.
Go ahead, buddy. Come on, yes.
How many...
How many women have seen
a guy use a vacuum?
- Yeah.
- [audience laughing]
Weird, isn't it?
One time a woman asked me
if I enjoyed watching
and I had to give her an answer, you know,
because she was a judge.
But other than that...
[audience laughing]
Guess what's back in style? That's right.
Bush is back and better than ever.
Who's in? I'm in.
Anybody? Oh, yeah.
In the back. Exactly.
How about the balcony, pro-bush?
- Yeah, you're into it.
- [audience cheering]
Here you go. Keep it down,
the VIPs wanna listen.
All right. Here we go.
[audience laughing]
Bush. Mmm.
How do I like it? I like it big.
Bigger than you're thinking.
- I like it big.
- [audience laughing]
I like it so big I can't see her balls.
That's what I say.
[audience laughing]
Because balls are ugly.
Am I right, Gus, Tom, or Billy?
I mean, they just are ugly.
[audience laughing]
Balls are the ugliest thing
I've ever put on my chin.
I can't have that.
[audience laughing]
[Attell] You gotta know what you're doing.
Like, going down, I'm not that good at it.
Even though I look like I'll eat fries
out of the garbage,
I'm not that good at it.
[audience laughing]
Let's go around the room now,
focus group this.
Let's get it going.
How many guys think they're good at it?
- Yeah, okay.
- [audience cheers]
And what's the technique?
Would do you guys do?
What did you say? Alphabet?
I'm not an alphabet guy.
I'm a Roman numeral man.
- Yeah.
- [audience laughing]
I... I... I...
I gotta go.
[audience laughing]
I'm not good at it.
I eat p*ssy like a deer drinks
from a stream during hunting season.
[audience laughing]
I'm terrified but I'm thirsty.
[audience laughing]
I'm like, lick, lick, did you hear that?
[audience laughing]
Then I run out and get hit by a truck.
[audience laughing]
Thank you.
Let's talk tech, and this is a tech town
if ever there was one.
They got this app that tells you
how much you weigh on other planets.
Have you guys seen this?
Oh, it is awesome.
What it is is you put your weight
in on Earth,
and... [mumbling] ...something Jewish,
it tells you...
[audience laughing]
[chuckling] ...how would you weigh
on another planet. How cool is that?
So you guys are fun,
let's work on this, okay?
On Earth, I weigh about 160
and change, you know?
Now yell out some planets.
- Let's hear it.
- [audience yelling]
Woah. Woah, woah.
That is a lot of planets.
Let's split the difference. Okay.
Puerto Rico.
Now in Puerto Rico...
[audience laughing]
I weigh about 160 and change.
And my name's Kiki and I like pegging.
- So there you go.
- [audience laughing]
It's all right.
You've given it more than it deserved,
but thank you.
- [Attell chuckling]
- [audience chuckling]
What I'm trying to say is
virtual learning didn't work, am I right?
[audience laughing]
I can say this as a virtual janitor.
These kids are dumb and weak.
They need to get out there
and really experience life, am I right?
You know what I'm talking about.
Summer camp.
- How many people went to camp here?
- [cheers]
Yeah.
Nice.
Now they've got this camp
called Space Camp.
Do you know what that is?
It's a special camp for these kids
who want to be astronauts,
A-K-A, can't run, throw,
catch, or paddle a canoe.
[audience laughing]
These uber-nerds are going to wheeze
their way to the stars.
[audience laughing]
No, I'm not putting them down,
I'm jealous 'cause I couldn't go.
I was too old
so I just observed all this from my van.
But either way...
[audience laughing]
Now I didn't go to Space Camp.
I went to Boy Scout camp,
where I learned to keep a secret.
That's right.
- [audience laughing]
- That's right. I was in the Boy Scouts.
I was in the Boy Scouts.
Even though I look like I run a GameStop
in Syria, I was in the Scouts.
[audience laughing]
Even though I look like I put the "ha"
in Hamas, I was in the Boy Scouts.
[audience laughing]
Boy Scouts of America, you're not allowed
to say that anymore, it's triggering.
[audience chuckling]
I think now they're called
the, uh, Proud Boys. Yeah.
[audience laughing]
Awesome.
- [audience laughing]
- [Attell chuckles]
I was proud and I was a boy.
[audience laughing]
Out in those woods.
In those scary woods.
Two biggest fears in the woods,
what are they?
That's right. Bear att*ck. Yeah.
And who said it up there? Yep.
Scoutmaster f*cking you.
- Yeah. Nailed it.
- [audience laughing]
And the best thing to do
in both situations?
Play dead, and I did.
[audience laughing]
Finally, a crowd that gets it.
[audience cheering]
We're doubling down.
More scout stories, here they come.
[audience cheering]
One time I went to a Boy Scout jamboree.
Do you know what that is?
That's a buffet of boys, yes.
Boys, boys, boys, wherever you looked.
Chopping wood, tying knots.
You could say it, yum, boys.
[audience laughing raucously]
We were camped
in the middle of a baseball field
during a lightning storm.
A tactical mistake.
[audience laughing]
Huddled together, terrified.
Then our scoutmaster came over to calm us.
He goes,
"Boys, don't worry about that lightning."
"I'm going to teach you the 30 rule."
"When you hear thunder,
count backwards from 30."
"And when you hit one,
put your cock in my mouth."
And you know what?
[audience laughing]
We did not lose one boy that weekend.
That's right.
We all made it home.
[audience laughing]
Some of us went on to musical theater.
[audience cheering]
This crowd loves the great outdoors.
[audience chuckling]
And I gotta tell you,
when I was gonna do a special,
I said, what town am I going to do it in?
And you know what I said? San Francisco.
- Yeah.
- [audience cheering]
I had to do it here.
Cobb's, always good to me.
You guys, always there for me.
How can we not take it to the next level?
We have to.
[audience cheering]
This crowd, we are synced up.
And you know what?
This country needs some of that too.
We're all divided.
We need common ground.
We gotta come together.
A mutual experience will do it.
And I got it, okay?
As Americans, we all kinda sorta
know how to play the recorder.
Now...
[audience laughing and cheering]
This is mine.
[audience applauding]
May I?
Here we go.
[recorder playing]
Then the white man came.
- You know?
- [audience laughing]
Thank you, everyone.
Sorry, you play the recorder,
you gotta say something
a little, you know, thoughtful.
- [audience chuckling]
- You can't be like, you know...
[recorder continues playing]
You eating that?
I mean, it doesn't work.
[audience laughing]
This is the recorder,
or as they call it in the Middle East,
the saxophone.
Now...
[audience laughing]
I'm gonna take you through it
'cause I know we got a lot
of homeschoolers in the room
who never played the recorder.
It's a musical instrument.
It's somewhere between a flute
and a bong, all right?
[audience laughing]
And there's three pieces,
the head, the shaft, and the taint.
And...
[audience laughing]
I've played this out of every hole
in my body and...
[recorder continues playing]
Sometimes I like to play it
in my own shadow.
[recorder continues playing]
Till one of us comes.
Now...
[audience laughing]
I get it, guys. I know this looks
like a talent show at a shelter.
I understand that.
[audience laughing]
[recorder continues playing]
Sometimes I like to play at the clinic
when the results come in.
[audience laughing]
[recorder continues playing]
Sometimes I play in the park
as they pull down the statues.
- [audience laughing]
- [recorder continues playing]
[audience cheering]
But mostly I play at Trader Joe's
till they give me something to walk away.
So...
[audience cheering]
Here I am having all the fun
playing the recorder.
Now I want you to look under your seats.
Go ahead, look under your seats.
Yes.
Yes, a recorder.
Oh my God.
It's out of control in here.
[audience chuckling]
[audience screaming]
Calm down, Miss. Calm down.
I knew I left that somewhere.
- Sorry about that. [laughs]
- [audience laughing]
Wow.
- This goes right back on my dashboard.
- [audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
Now if you play the recorder,
there's one tune you have to play.
- Do you know what it is?
- [men] "Hot cross buns."
"Hot cross buns." Who said it?
Yeah. Tonight when you go home
make sure you high-five your cat
because you know what?
[audience laughing]
That is the "Anna Goda Davida"
of the recorder.
- [audience laughing]
- Can we hit the screen back here?
Let's do it. Projector it up. There it is.
[audience cheering]
And I see there's one guy
in the back wearing a mask.
Thank you for that.
We need someone to live to tell the story,
so thank you, sir.
[audience laughing]
This is going to get ugly.
We're going to do it all together.
Here we go. Ready?
[all recorders playing out of melody]
We did it!
[audience cheering]
You guys are awesome.
[audience applauding]
This is something that I've only seen
when I was in a K-hole.
This is great.
[audience laughing]
Anybody can play the recorder,
but how many people can play
two?
- Well, here we go.
- [audience cheers]
Now the last time I did this
the entire front row had to get tested.
All right?
[audience laughing]
[two recorders playing in melody]
[audience applauding]
I'm not going to stop till you tase me.
[two recorders continue playing]
[audience cheering]
Sorry.
[audience applauding]
I don't know what happened,
but my catheter popped out.
That's it for me. Thank you, guys.
Good night.
[audience cheering loudly]
Good night.
We did it.
[recorder continues playing]
- [bicycle bell rings]
- [Dave groaning]
[Attell] You know what?
Skyler, let's walk through the crowd.
This crowd's awesome. Bring up the lights.
[audience cheering]
[recorder continues playing]
It's great to see the cast of Yellowstone.
Take a look.
Guys, thanks for coming.
[audience laughing]
Remember, it's about the water rights.
[recorder continues playing]
See, when you play the recorder
no one will ask you to stop
'cause they think if you have a recorder
you also have a Kn*fe.
- [audience laughing]
- So, back it up, Skyler. Let's back it up.
Ladies, how are you?
Everything okay? Thanks for coming in.
I know you have to get up early
and rename a public school.
- Either way...
- [audience laughing]
[recorder continues playing]
How's it going, guys?
I don't know what season
of BattleBots you guys are on,
but you really crushed it.
- [audience laughing]
- [recorder continues playing]
What's happening here?
- Blow.
- Blow. Okay.
Blow.
I'm sorry, but I do it a little toothy,
so here we go.
[recorder continues playing]
How are you, sir?
I didn't know Putin had a son.
- Either way, thank you.
- [audience laughing]
[recorder playing high-pitched note]
I'm calling in a drone strike. Either way...
[recorder continues playing]
[audience clamoring]
[audience cheering]
Give that man a cigar.
Good night.
[audience cheering]
[Attell] I know what I'm doing.
[camera clicking]
[cow mooing]
Dave Attell: Hot Cross Buns (2024)
Moderator: Maskath3