04x07 - Hanging with Jake

[bunniefuu]

Oh, look at that coat.

No, no, come on.

No more stops.

Let's go, come on.

You're no fun at all.

You're just figuring that out?

I never said
I was fun.

I said
I was in a hurry.

Oh, ho, ho, ho,
wait a second, here.

I-I need something
in this shop.

I'll be right back.

Watch jake.

Wait, watch jake?

Nobody needs
to watch jake.

Great, 'cause I'm going
to go look at that coat.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I didn't see you standing there.

It's okay. Excuse me.

Your voice sounds
really familiar.

Do I know you?

I'm jane clayson
from the early show.

I don't see much tv.

Have a nice day.

Uh, john?

Linda?

Okay.

This can't be good.

Okay, god, I know
this is a mortal sin and all,

But I don't know what else
to do, all right?

So, if you've got a plan for me,
just give me sign.

Any kind of a sign.

Anything will do.

Oh, my god.

What's that?

W-who's there?

Hey, did you come from above?

Yeah.

So, you're here to help me?

Help you?

I'm the one who needs help.

Oh, you're just some guy.

What are you doing here?

Well, I'm lost.

Lost. Man, you don't know
the meaning of the word.

Okay, how about I'm blind
and I don't know where I am?

Well, how about
I'm about to hang myself?

Okay, you win.

You can't k*ll yourself.

Let me help you.

Look, man,
you want to help?

Tap your way over here

And kick this chair
out from under me.

Man, this is crazy.

Don't do it.

Why not?

Because I don't want

To be stuck down here
with a dead guy!

And, uh...
There's a lot to live for?

Yeah, like what?

All right, you kind of
caught me by surprise.

Just give me a minute.

What's your name?

Owen.

Owen, I-I'm jake.

Hey, jake, pleasure...

Aah!

W-w-what happened?

Nothing, nothing.

It's just,
in addition to everything else,

It turns out
I'm too stupid to live.

I-I don't know what
your problems are,

But could you at least
help me find my way home?

I-I'm kind of in the middle
of trying to k*ll myself.

I promise you,
the neighborhood we're going to,

There's a good chance
you'll get k*lled anyway.

Linda, did jake call yet?

Yeah, but don't worry,
I didn't talk to him.

What?

You've got a blind guy
wandering aimlessly

Through the streets of new york,

He finally calls, you don't
care enough to talk to him?

Well, he called collect

And you said,
never accept a collect call.

Well, you know, at least,
at least we know he's okay.

John, where is
mr. Pollan's file?

I've been looking everywhere
for it.

It's right where
I said it was--

On top of my desk.

No, it isn't.
Yes, it is.

No, it isn't.
Yes, it is.

No, it isn't.
Yes, it is.

I grew up in a family
with seven kids.

I can do this all day.

Fine, fine,
I'll get it.

It's right on top
of the desk where I said...

Where the hell is it?

Margaret:
Seems like if it was
right on top of your desk,

You'd be out here
with it already.

I'm on the phone, margaret.

Chocolate?

Oh, yeah, yeah...

(quacking)

I-I love, I love this thing.

John!

Where the hell is that?

I-it's right here.

You know, I don't know
what your problem is.

It's right where I said it was
all along.

(quacks)

What was that?

I didn't hear anything.

So, come on, who's up?
Let's go.

Christopher hayes
is in room one.

Thank you.
(quacks)

Oh... Chocolate.

Well, maybe I'll just take one.

Chris.
Hey.

What's the problem?

Well, uh...

It's kind of, um...

You know...

No, I don't.

Okay, but I want you to know
that I played ball in college

And I can bench-press
250 pounds.

Got it, got it.

You're impotent.

No, no!

God, no!

I can get up to bat...

I just can't seem to hit one
over the fence.

I'm sorry, uh...?

I can drive to the basket,

I just can't get it
through the hoop.

Gee, you know,
I'm usually pretty good at this.

I have no idea what the hell
you're talking about.

I can't get my wife pregnant.

Well, of course you can't.

You're spending too much time
playing sports.

You know, we,

We've been trying for a while
and, uh...

I-I don't want to put my wife

Through a bunch of tests,

So I just thought
I'd make sure it wasn't me.

That's simple enough.

I'm going to refer you
to a fertility clinic.

You just give them a sample
and they'll check it out.

Okay.

Hey, h-how exactly
does that work?

You know,
getting the sample and all?

Yeah, well, uh...

Just think of it
as batting practice.

Reggie:
Jake, where have you been?

I was starting to get worried
about you.

(muffled):
Yeah, we were worried sick.

Well, I got you here.
Now, I got to go.

No, no, no, don't go.

At least sit down
and have a cup of coffee.

Look, I may have
mentioned, I got plans.

Wait, th-there are some people
I want you to meet.
I don't want to...

Reggie, bob, this
is my good friend...

Owen.

Right, owen.

I was downtown earlier

And I kind of ran
into owen.

Hey, look, you know,

Jake, jake here
is being nice, all right?

He wandered in on me
as I was about to hang myself.

Well, I got to go.

Hang yourself?

No, no, no, no, no...

Please sit down.

Maybe I can help.

I'm only six credits shy
of being halfway through

My junior college
psychology degree.

So you're in good hands.

Bob, this is serious.

The man is talking
about k*lling himself.

Yeah, take notes.

Listen, you know,
it's very nice of you,

But you're not going to be
able to help me, all right?

This is something I...

You know, I struggle with
every day of my life.

You could never understand
the kind of pain I'm in.

Oh, yeah?

This morning I had
a zipper accident.

You don't forget
those in a hurry.

Jake:
Anyway...

I'm sorry
about him, go on.

No, it-it's all right.

I mean, y-you know,
who am I to say

My problems are any worse
than anybody else's?

I mean, after all,

You're blind and...

There's obviously something
deeply wrong with this guy.

But my problems are not
going to go away, you know.

Maybe it would help
to talk about them.

No, I-I... I can't,
I can't see as talking

Would change anything,
you know,

But if you really want me to,
sure, I'll tell you about it.

I mean, there was
this-this girl.

Uh... Her name, name is valerie
and, uh...

You know, I fell in love
with her

When we were, like,
six years old, you know.

W-we, uh, you know, we dated
all through school,

Went to the prom together,
and, uh, you know,

A month ago we were, uh,
we were supposed to get married.

So, what happened?

She go lesbo on you?

Right?

No. No, no, she didn't go...
"lesbo" on me.

No, the day before our wedding,
she, uh...

Well, valerie ran off with a guy
she'd always been in love with.

Not you, right?

Psychology.

You know, then,
to make things worse,

I got fired
from the family business.

Ouch.

Yeah, well, you know...
To be fair,

My dad didn't really want me
hanging around

After he hooked up with valerie.

But, uh, things kind of
went downhill from there.

There's more hill?

Look, owen, don't give up.

Your luck's bound to change.

After all, you're,
you're still young,

You're interesting,

And you're a
good-looking guy.

Hey, I-I'm flattered,

But this
is a really bad time for me

To start a new relationship.

Great.

Guy would rather hang himself
than go out with me.

They say eating chocolate

Produces the same chemical
reaction in your body

As having sex.

You know what?

Eat from your side
of the box.

Hey, you know that
box of chocolates

Mr. Gordon gave me for
helping his cousin?

Have you guys seen it around?

Both:
Uh-uh.

Are you sure?

Both:
Mm-hmm.

Dr. Becker, hey.

Guess what.

I'm not going to need
the results

Of that fertility test
after all.

Yeah, we're pregnant.

Wonderful news.

Congratulations.

Well, just wanted to
tell you the good news.

Come on, honey.

Let's go look at
baby furniture.

Nothing but net.

John, I know you don't
like children,

But you could have at least
said, "congratulations."

Yeah, well,
I got the results back

On his fertility test
this morning,

And let's just say
that someone hit a home run,

But mr. Hayes
was not the batter.

You know, john,
I can't believe

That his wife would cheat
on him.

Maybe we should call
the lab

And double-check
on mr. Hayes' results.

No, I already did.

Let's put it this way.

You have a higher sperm count.

Dr. Becker, mrs. Hayes is here
to see you.

No, no, no, no,
I-I don't want to see...

Tell her I'm busy.
Tell her I'm out

Of the office.
Hi, dr. Becker.

I told my husband
I forgot something

In our apartment so I could come
back here and talk to you.

Oh, all right.

The doctor will
see you now.

Oh, could we
speak privately?

Oh, of course.

(whispering):
Tell me everything.

I just need to know if...

Excuse me.

Ow!

I just need to know

If you got the results
of my husband's fertility test.

Yes, I'm sorry, but I'm not
allowed to share

That information with anyone
except my patient.

Well, dr. Becker, I've shared
a bed with the man

For the last seven years.

I'm, I-I'm pretty sure
I know the results.

Well, what do you want from me?

Well, you saw how happy he was.

Isn't there any way
you could just...?
Well, I'm,

I'm sorry, the best I can do

Is give you a head start
so you can talk to him first.

Where would I begin?

Well, maybe it would help

If you saw a therapist
or your clergyman.

Oh, I've seen them both...

...A-and there's
a very good chance

That one of them might be
part of the problem.

You slept with both of them?

I mean...

I see, I see.

Okay, I've made some mistakes,

But I promise you,
that's all behind me.

I'm going crazy trying to think
of some way to explain it.

Well...

All right, how about this?

Could it be possible that, uh

Because you suspected
that your husband was infertile,

You, you made a huge sacrifice

And, uh, allowed yourself
to be impregnated

By some other donor,

You know,
just so...

You and your husband could
finally have a family?

Let's say that I did.

All right, owen,
we've been at this

For a long time now

And we still can't find anything

To convince you
that your life is worth living.

Doesn't that tell you something?

But think of all
the great things you'll miss.

Like what?

Like the simple pleasures...

Like playing with your dog
in the park.

My dog was hit by a bus.

What about...

Warm summer nights, huh?

Summer was my dog's name.

Should've named him spring.

Then maybe he could've jumped
out of the way.

Okay, so you're not ready
to laugh yet.

Chocolate is
just like sex.

I've had too much,
and I still want more.

I can't believe
we ate the whole box.

What kind of people are we?

We're not people, we're pigs.

True.

There's one piece left.

Yeah, milk chocolate
with coconut cream.

Oh, I love that one.

Yeah, well,
it's mine.

No, it isn't.

Is, too.

Is not.
Is, too.

Listen, linda.

I grew up in a family
with seven kids...

Yeah, yeah, you can do this
all day.

Meanwhile,
I'm taking the chocolate.

Okay.

Fine.

You want it?

Take it.

No, no, margaret, I insist.

You have it.

Hey,

When chris hayes
gets here, tell him

I want to see him
straightaway, will you?

Oh...

I've been looking
for these chocolates.

You know, oh, that's great.
What, there's one left?

Yeah, well, this one's mine.

Milk chocolate,
creamy coconut...

And something else.

Whatever it is, it's delicious.

(quacking)

Dr. Becker?

(quacks)
what? Oh.

Yeah, come on in.

Linda said to
come on back.

Yeah, please, please.

So, can you believe
we're having a baby?

I've never been so
surprised in my whole life.

Well, the day's young.

Uh... So have you...

Have you talked to your wife?

Are you kidding?

We're making plans like crazy.

We're picking out names,
colors for the nursery.

I just can't wait to see
who it's going to look like.

Yeah, about that, um...

You know, I think you...

I think you should hear

The results
of your fertility test.

I think I know the results.

My wife's pregnant.

(chuckles)

You know, let's, uh...

Let me put this
in sports terms, all right?

Uh, see, you're a,
you're a baseball player...

Who's sterile.

But that's impossible.

I mean, if I'm sterile,

The only way my wife could be
pregnant is...

Wow.

You know what this means?

Yeah, I think I do.

It's a miracle.

Excuse me?

Well, after all these years
of trying and trying,

The lord has finally reached out
and blessed us with a child.

You really believe that?

Let's say that I do.

Wait a minute, owen.

I've got a great reason
for you to live.

Nah, forget it.

Look, I don't know why
I'm wasting my time here.

Look, there's no way

You people would ever understand
what I'm going through.

I mean, you lead lives
of privilege and happiness.

Privilege?

Happiness?

Lives?

Look, hangman, let me set
you straight, all right?

You think you're the only one

Whose life is a flaming
bowl of crap, huh?

Yeah, I used to be
a successful model,

But I lost every dime I made

And then my father d*ed
and left me this hellhole.

Yeah, but...

I live upstairs.

Bob:
And what about bob?

I'm broke, I
got no friends,

And I haven't had
sex in three years.

But what about
that one...?

Look, I lied about
that one time, okay?

And then on top of that,

My wife ran off with
my business partner

And now I eke
out a living

Sticking my hands up
strangers' toilets.

By the way, I,
I'm a super in a building.

And what
about me?

I grew up in
this crappy
neighborhood

And I never left.

I run a failing
newsstand, and I
have no future.

And don't forget, you're blind.

Yes! Yes!

Thank you, I
forgot about that.

So, you see?

You're not
the only one

In the world
with problems.

So if you really
want to go

k*ll yourself,
go right ahead.

Wow, uh...

I got to admit,
after hearing your stories,

I feel kind of silly
complaining about my life.

But really, I mean,

You guys didn't really have
to pour it on quite so thick...

As if anyone could live

The horrible lives
you guys described...

But, you know,

Thanks for lying to me
and making me feel better.

Yeah...

That's what we did.

So I can go now, right?

Yeah, you know,

As long as you promise
not to k*ll yourself.

Oh, yeah, you know, look,
I, I got my problems,

But, you know, I think
until I'm a blind ex-model

With my hand stuck
up someone's toilet,

I'll muddle through.

Whoo...

Boy, is it
my imagination

Or is the stench of
failure hanging on the air

A little thicker
than usual?

That guy you just passed?

We stopped him
from k*lling himself.

That's a good thing,
though, right?

Yeah, for him.

The only way
we could make him feel better

Was to tell him
what losers we are.

And we were very convincing.

Yeah, well, I don't
care what you say.

You saved a man's life.

You know, as far
as I'm concerned,

That makes you
anything but losers.

You really believe that?

Let's say that I do.