01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

[ blues theme playing ]

[ rumbling ]

[ tires squeal ]

Becker's here.

You know what I like
about this place?

Any time I walk in,
there's always a seat.

Morning, John.

Yeah, you know--

You know
what's k*lling this country?

Those idiotic TV talk shows.

You know,
I watched one last night.

I should have just
stuck a fork in my eye.

You know, it's like
America stepped in something

and is scraping off its shoe
directly over my TV set.

I'm telling you,
Jerry Springer, Jenny Jones,

they're all broadcasting
straight from hell.

You know, I watched
one the other day.

I don't even know
what the hell it was.

Apparently, some guy
wanted to be a woman,

so he chops it off.

Then he decides
he likes chicks after all,

so he becomes a lesbian.

Tell me there's not a wasted
step in there somewhere.

You know, Becker, you
could have changed the channel.

I did.

I ran across a bisexual guy

having a three-way
with his aunt and his uncle.

I tell you, if I were his dog,
I'd be on my toes.

Well, here's a wacky idea:
turn it off.

Don't you get it, Reggie?

He leaves the TV on
so he can get upset.

Hey, nobody called on you.

It doesn't matter
if you turn the set off.

The people
are still in there.

Frankly, I like knowing
exactly what they're up to.

Trust me on this one.

White trash;
it's the only natural resource

this country
will never run out of.

You're really
a miserable human being.

Doesn't mean I'm not right.

You know something?
I'm sorry your father d*ed.

You know, when he
was running this place,

he was a lot nicer
to me than you are.

[ scoffs ]

My father
was hard of hearing.

Just give me one of
my cigarettes, will ya?

Why don't you get
a nicotine patch

like the rest of the world?

I tried one.
They're too hard to light.

Jake?

Yeah.

You don't want people
to know you're blind,

you might wanna stare
into that shiny metal part

instead of directly
at the napkin.

Oh. Damn!
Right.

[ sighs ]

So, uh, John,
how much will you pay me

not to go down to your office

and tell Margaret you're still
sneaking cigarettes, huh?

How much will you pay me

not to paint
your white cane brown?

You know, if you ever
pick up a handicap,

I'm gonna be all over you.

All right, John,
I'll see you tomorrow.

And, Reggie,
I'll see you for lunch.

Okay, Jake, have a nice day.

Yeah, well, I'd better hurry

if I'm gonna get
where I need to go.

Phew!

Hey, John,
you're k*lling me here.

Why don't you park that smelly,
oil-burning

heap of yours
down the street, huh?

You're just jealous, Jake,
that you can't drive it.

Looks like he already did.

You know something?
You both can go to hell.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

it's time for me to go heal
the sick and comfort the dying.

So, what do you think,

that stethoscope
is gonna stop people from seeing

the stains on your shirt
and the stubble on your face?

The not-shaving is a look.

I saw it in a cologne ad.

As far as the clothes,
what's the point?

I can almost guarantee you
by the end of the day

some kid will have
thrown up on me.

REGGIE:
Well, then, it's true
what they say.

Kids are wonderful
judges of character.

Bite me.

You sure he's really a doctor?
I mean, he's such an ass.

He's not just a doctor,
he's a brilliant one.

As far as I can tell,
that's his only flaw.

Otherwise,
he'd be a perfect ass.

[ blues theme playing ]

[ indistinct chatter ]

I know, I know,
I know, I'm late.

You're late!
And you forgot to shave.

No, I didn't. It's a look.

Well, it's
not a good look.

And you've been smoking.
I can smell it.

That's not true, Margaret.

It was Jake
down at the newsstand.

He blew it all over me.

What was I gonna do,
yell at a blind guy?

John Becker,
you're a damn liar.

Mrs. Zellman's in 1.
Oh, perfect.

How's she doing today?
All hands on deck?

Well, she remembered her teeth.

Well, thank God for that.

Otherwise, it's like
talking to a sock puppet.

Whoa, get back.
Back, back, back, back, back.

Mr. Capelli's waiting in 2.
Yeah.

Marvin Johnson
is in your office.

You wanna tell me
why they're here, please?

Not especially. That's why
I gave you their charts.

Aw, jeez! Mrs. Zellman,
put your clothes back on!

You're here
about an eye infection.

Serves you right
for being late.

Hey, doc,
how you doing?

What?

That diet I put you on.

The one you asked me for.
Right.

Perhaps I didn't
make myself clear.

You have to do more than
just read the piece of paper.

You've gained six pounds.

You sure about that, doc?

'Cause, you know,
this sweater is pretty bulky.

Yeah, right.
It's the sweater.

I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna stand
way over here,

and I'm gonna give you
my diagnosis, free of charge.

Your blood pressure's
too high,

your cholesterol's
through the roof,

and your legs are k*lling you.

But then why wouldn't they be?

Look what
they're trying to hold up.

Geez, doc,
I kind of thought that--

Kind of thought what?

That I'd give you
a pat on that continent

you call a butt?

Tell you everything's gonna be
fine and send you home?

Whoa, whoa, aren't doctors
supposed to be nice?

Check out the Hippocratic Oath.
It doesn't mention nice.

Look,
Mr. Capelli, I like you.

More importantly, your wife
and your kids probably love you.

So if you care
about them at all,

or, hell, if you
just care about yourself,

I want you to remember
this one word:

salad.

Hey, you can do this.

Morning, doctor.

Ah, yeah, good morning...?

Linda.

Right, right.

I knew it was
something weird like that.

I know you said
never to talk to you

unless it was absolutely
necessary--
Right.

--but I-I just
wanna say thanks a lot

for making me a nurse's aide.

I never thought
I'd be a professional anything.

And this is way better

than sweeping up hair
at a beauty salon.

Although the fumes
from those hair dyes

can give you
a pretty good buzz.

You know--

You know, this one time,
I had a--

If you shut your mouth,

it keeps the words
from just falling out like that.

I know. I know, I talk too much,
and I'm working on that.

But you just don't know
what it's like in here.

All these thoughts
keep flying around, and...

I'm sensing a little hostility.

Go with that.

You mean--?
I mean go.

Yeah.

Hey, doc?

Yeah?

What's this?

Uh...that's called an ovary.

Don't worry about it.
You don't have one.

Where's your mother?

She had to work,
but my brother brought me.

Should I get him?

No, no, that's all right.

You and I can have
a little talk right here.

So, what's the deal?

Well, M.J.,
the deal kind of stinks.

Remember last week how we talked
about good and bad blood cells?

Yeah.

Well, the bad guys are--
Are winning.

You mean, my T cells
are down again?

Boy, you're getting
the hang of this, aren't you?

Uh, yes,
they are, but I, uh--

I don't want you
to worry about it,

'cause I'm gonna try to come
up with something new for you.

I could use a new bike.

Nice try.

Um...

Okay, next week I want you to...

Oh, hell, you know the drill,
don't you?

Yeah.
Yeah.

Are you okay?
You don't look so good.

No, I'm fine. Thank you.

Are you smoking again?

Oh!

Yeah, I'm-- I'm, uh--
I'm trying to quit. It's just...

Hey, do me a favor, will you?

Please, don't--
Don't tell Margaret.

Oh, yeah. All right, what--?
What are we talking?

Candy or cash?

[ blues theme playing ]

[ exotic foreign music playing ]

Hey, foreign guy!

Do we have to go
through this every night?

Just finish k*lling your cat
and go to sleep!

Turn it off,
or I call Immigration!

[ music stops ]

[ groans ]

Dr. Kagan, please.

"Whom may I say is calling?"

Hey, just drop
the Harvard attitude

and tell him
it's an old friend.

Lee, hey, it's Becker.

Uh, I know it's been
a long time since I--

No, no, don't hang up. Just--

I have no idea
how your ex-wife is.

As of a year ago,
she's my ex-wife too.

Yes, really.

Yeah, well, screw you too,
you Ivy League quack.

Hey, can you do me a favor?

Yeah, I've got
a kind of tricky case here.

Yes, yes, me.

I got a--

I got an HIV-positive
7-year-old.

Uh, transfusion.

Yeah, the ice under
this kid's getting pretty thin.

Look, I-- I-I'm afraid
that I maybe missed something.

You know, some new treatment,
some-- Some drug.

M-maybe there's a program
you could, uh, get him into?

Do me a favor, let me just fax--
Fax this chart to you, will you?

Oh, come on, you owe me.

If I hadn't met your wife,
you'd still be married to her.

You're welcome.

Yeah, please. Thank you.

And get-- And get back
to me quick, will ya?

I wanna make sure this kid
gets to his next birthday.

Yeah.

[ blues theme playing ]

Hey, man. Spare change?

You mean extra change?

Money that if you weren't here,
I'd just throw away?

Uh...

No, man. Spare change.

Oh, like a spare tire.

For when something goes wrong
with my regular change?

O-oh, no. You're that doctor

from over on Lester Avenue,
aren't you?

Forget it. I don't need this.

Your reputation's growing, John.

These-- These car ads
are such a crock.

You can't even buy
a used car anymore.

They're all "previously owned",
you know.

"Formerly experienced."
"Well-serviced."

If I added the word slut,

you could be talking
about my ex-wife.

You were married?

Yeah. Why?

[ laughing ]:
Well...

[ laughs ]

Who would--?
I mean, why would--?

So, what kind of car
are you looking for?

Basic transportation.

Something to get me
from here to there.

Get a bicycle.

Uh-oh.
What?!

They're inexpensive, great
exercise and pollution-free.

Oh, yeah.
That's just what I wanna be:

another schmuck
riding down the street

with a little bell
and a stupid helmet,

trying to save the environment.

Like my little two-wheeler's

gonna make a difference
in a city

with 50 million cabs
belching out toxic smoke.

Oh, little Timmy can't breathe,
but don't worry,

Becker's riding a bike.

I tried to warn you.

I swear, Becker,
if you're not talking medicine,

you're, like, just an idiot.

I think she likes you.

You know,
just 'cause you're blind

doesn't mean you have some
sixth sense about these things.

It just means you're blind.

[ blues theme playing ]

[ whistling ]

[ presses button ]

[ pressing buttons ]

So, Linda, just curious.

How long have you had
the nipple ring?

Uh, gee, what makes
you think I even do?

See, I-I-I just wondered
what it would look like.

It looks like that.

That machine is not a toy.

If you keep
x-raying your breasts,

you're gonna
grow a third one.

Would you like that?

I've got all the trouble
I can handle with these two.

Hello, doctor.

Uh, hello...?

Linda.
Right.

Did my, uh, friend from
Harvard Med call back yet?

No, not yet.

All right, uh,
get M.J.'s mom on the phone.

See how he's doing,
will you, please?

And then would you, uh--?

Would you mind
draining Mrs. Salazar's boil?

What did I do?

Nothing.

I-I just found a car
I'm interested in,

and I wanna go check it out.

Oh, finally.

The only downside

is dealing with
those parasitic car salesmen.

I tell you, if there's one
form of life on this planet--

Don't you start.

If you're trying
to get me to choose

between another one
of your tirades

and Mrs. Salazar's
infected behind,

I'll take the butt.

[ mouthing ]

[ blues theme playing ]

No, no! No more lies, Phil!
We're over!

You can go straight to hell!

Hi, I'm Beverly Stone.
Can I help you?

Uh, yeah. Hello.

Now let's let that do it
for the pleasantries, shall we?

Now before we get started,
let me say something.

I know all the gimmicks,
all the angles.

There isn't anything
you could say to me

that I haven't heard before.

I've been sleeping
with the manager of this place,

and I just now found out
that he's married.

In order to get even with him,

I'm prepared to give you
a deal on this car

that you won't believe.

[ mouths ]

Well, I haven't heard that one.

What do you think?

Think I'm an idiot.
Think I'm gonna fall for that?

Sticker says 18-five.

I'll give you 16,
not a penny more.

He told me he loved me.
You can go lower.

[ stammers ]

You--? You want me to pay less?

Yes, I really wanna hurt him.

What do you mean? Like 15-five?

We were talking
about having kids.

Fourteen?

Thirteen. Sold.

No, no, no, wait a second.
Wait a minute.

Just... Let...

I'm not saying yes.

But if I did, would you, uh,
throw in a new set of tires?

Absolutely.

Oh, wait a minute.

All right, all right,
what's wrong with the car?

Nothing.

Come on, what is it?

What, is, uh,
the engine block cracked?

There is no engine?

Was it a cab in Mexico City?

Come on, what is it?

There's nothing wrong
with the car!

[ crying ]:
He broke my heart.

Oh, no, don't--

[ sighs ]
[ sobbing ]

Th-- This is not working.

Can I talk to
a man salesman, please?

[ blues theme playing ]

[ groans ]

Okay.

I got the latest
lab work in.

And to tell you the truth,

M.J.'s numbers are not quite
as good as I was hoping for.

Maybe they're wrong,
'cause I feel pretty good.

M.J., honey, why don't you--?
I know.

You guys wanna talk about me.

So I'll go out
and talk to that new girl.

She's weird.

I like that in a woman.

Now, M.J., don't be rude.

He's right. She is weird.

Mrs. Johnson,
I have to be honest with you.

M.J. needs better care
than I can give him.

He needs a cutting-edge program,
the newest treatments.

We don't have
that kind of money.

Nobody does.

That's why hospitals name
buildings after rich people.

Don't worry about it.
There are ways.

But where will I find
a program like that?

I already have.
A friend of mine--

Actually, he's, uh--
He's not really a friend.

It's more like
we share custody of an ex-wife.

Anyway, uh,
h-he's recommended

a program
downtown at Mount Sinai,

and I really think
that we should give it a try.

Now, I know that you work,
so if you can't take him,

I thought maybe that I--

Well, uh, you know,
maybe somebody from this office

could take him down.

And I promise not, uh...

[ snaps ]

Linda?
Right, Linda.

Jesus blessed us
when he sent M.J. to you.

Yeah. Jesus, right.

Uh, if you're
gonna talk to him,

you might wanna
leave my name out of it.

We don't exactly have
a great working relationship.

You gotta admit
that if he's really

sitting up there,
uh, watching us,

I think he fell asleep
at the wheel, you know?

I mean, how else could you
explain how a disease like this

could slip through
the cracks, let alone--?

Sorry.

Obviously, I have a little work
to do in the faith department,

so why don't I just,
uh, say amen and shut up?

Thank you, doctor.

You just may go to heaven
whether you like it or not.

Thanks, that's the first time

anyone's ever suggested
I go in that direction.

[ blues theme playing ]

[ blues theme playing ]

Oh, John,
your accountant just called.

He said to tell you
that he transferred the money

into your checking account
for the new car.

Uh, you know,
I changed my mind about the car.

Ahem.
I couldn't make a deal.

I knew it was
too good to be true.

All right, I'll tell him
to transfer the money back.

No, don't do that.
Uh, just keep it in checking.

I've got
some expenses coming up.

What expenses?

Just stuff, okay?

Don't worry about it.

Okay, fine.

Oh, I forgot to tell you.
M.J.'s all squared away.

But there seems
to be some mistake.

The hospital said
that they would

contact you
personally for payment.

Is that what--?
Yeah, that's-- That's okay.

Uh, thank you. See you Monday.

[ blues theme playing ]

Hello, Reg.

I'll have a club sandwich,

French fries
and a cup of coffee.

No, make that a milkshake.
Chocolate.

Do you have any of that pie
left over from yesterday?

Oh, hi, Becker. It's you.

I'm not getting my dinner, am I?

I have a date.

Well, this isn't right.
Who goes out on a Friday night?

Look, Becker,
he's gonna be here any minute,

and I don't wanna waste the
first two hours explaining you.

Who is this guy?
Wh-what's he do?

Why do you care?

I don't. I--

You know, forget it.

Okay, well, if you must know.

He's a dentist.

A dentist?

You're going out with a guy

who couldn't even
get into medical school?

Good night, Becker.

All right, all right.

I'm not being fair.

Uh, you and your dentist
go have a wonderful dinner,

and I'll-- Let me just
grab one of my smokes.

You know, when you came in,
you sounded...different.

Almost, I don't know, happy.

Happy?
Well, for you.

No, no, no, no.

No, just end of the week,
that's all.

Well, have a good time.
Don't forget to floss.

[ blues theme playing ]

Would it have k*lled you to say
something about the dress?

[ blues theme playing ]