01x02 - Take These Pills and Shove 'Em

[bunniefuu]

[ blues theme playing ]

No time for breakfast, Reg,

just a cup of coffee.

My car broke down,
so I had to take the bus.

You done that lately?

You know, it's like being in
an ethanol-powered Fellini film.

BECKER:
The first thing I see

is some woman
breast-feeding her son,

her adult son.

Yeah, and behind them is someone

in this lovely Chanel
evening gown

who's either an unattractive man

or a really unattractive woman.

The only seat I could find

was next to some guy
who claims he's Moses.

Yeah, he may well have been too.

He smelled like some guy
who'd been dead for 3,000 years.

So, what's--?
What's goin' on in here?

Well, before you blew in,
we were having a conversation.

Yeah, John, we do have lives
that go on

even when you're not here.

Oh, gee, you know,
I always just assumed

this place
was like my refrigerator.

When I shut the door,
the light goes out.

Please, don't let me stop you.

Go back to what you were doing.

I'll just mind my own business.

Great. So, Jake, what class
do you wanna take?

There's cooking,
creative writing--

Oh, whoa, whoa.
Hold on a second.

You're taking a class
from the Knowledge Annex?

This is not a real school.
It's a joke.

I mean, look at this.

Oh, "Introductory Clowning."

It's a two-day class.
Well, that makes sense.

Day one,
get in the little car.

Day two,
get out of the little car.

Hey, that--
That Knowledge Annex,

that's a great place.

My wife takes a class there
three nights a week.

Does she learn anything?

Who cares? She's outta the house
three nights a week.

So, what class
do you wanna take?

I'm only going there
to meet women,

so it really doesn't matter. Ha.

Oh, so I have
a great class for you.

There will be lots of women.

"Lesbian Literature."

Okay, it does matter.

Give him a break, will you?
He's a blind newsstand owner.

What other chance does he have
to meet women?

Thanks a lot.

I gotta second that.

I mean, if you're a chick

and you see Mr. Magoo here

coming at you with that cane...

I'm-- I'm-- I'm sorry,

I didn't get your name.

Oh, Manny. Manny Dugan.

Right. Do me a favor, Manny?

Shut up.

Mm.

How about this? Archery.

Hmm. As much as I'd like
to see you try that, no.

Ah, here you go. Sculpture.

[ clears throat ]

That sounds promising.
Yeah.

Women who like to work
with their hands.

Oh, yeah, I like it, John.

A blind artist struggling
to express himself.

Oh, that's good.

Men's answer to everything:

lying.

Excuse me?

I've seen you
all spackled up for a date.

The hair, the makeup,

the "Hello, sailor" shoes.

Besides, what do you tell guys
you do for a living?

They don't care. They're guys.

She's right.
A woman's job is irrelevant.

Me? I like my women
like I like my G.I. Joe.

Posable

with a kung fu grip.

Manny, right?

Yeah?

Shut up.
Ow.

[ blues theme playing ]

[ blues theme playing ]

[ siren wails ]

What's that?

Huh? Oh, that's
just an air horn.

Any messages?

Oh, the pharmacy called.

They're a little concerned.

It's been almost a week

and Mr. Marino still hasn't
picked up his pills.

Ah, you know,
what is he doing?

He's diabetic.
He needs those pills.

G-get on the phone and tell him
to drag his butt down here.

Today.

Please.

That's better.

Anything else?

Uh, Mrs. Cooper called
at 11:00 last night.

She didn't want to alarm us,

but she wasn't sure
she would make it

through the night.

Seven o'clock this morning,
Mrs. Cooper called again.

Apparently, she made it.

Eight-fifteen,
Mrs. Cooper called--

Yeah, she's here, isn't she?

Room 2.
All right.

Give me TV Guide.
See what we're dealing with.

Already checked. There were two
movies-of-the-week last night.

Lindsay Wagner
had kidney failure

and Patty Duke was goin' deaf.

Usual bet?

Fine.

I'll take deafness.

You've got renal shutdown.

Mrs. Cooper?
How are we doing today?

Excuse me, doctor,
can you speak up?

Patty Duke.

Damn.

Okay.

Oh, they're sending you there
for an MRI.

Hope you're not claustrophobic,
'cause, you know,

they slide you into
this long dark tube.

And you can't move.

It's like the walls
are closing in.

And then there's this horrible,
deafening, pounding noise,

and you scream and you scream,

but nobody can hear you.

And then you wonder,

what if there's a power failure

and I get stuck in here?

It's like that movie
where that guy was buried alive.

What was that called?

Oh, right, Buried Alive.

And then-- And then there's
Buried Alive II.

How many of these movies
must they make

before people learn?

Linda, Linda,
I'll finish up here.

Why don't you go find
something else to do?

Okay.

Hope you make it.

Mr. Lyles, relax.

An MRI is nothing
to be afraid of.

[ mutters ]:
But you sure wouldn't
catch me in one.

[ whispers ]:
Doctor, do you need any help?

[ whispers ]:
No.

[ whispers ]:
Are you sure?

[ whispers ]:
Yes.

Oh, no. I am going deaf.

I can hardly hear
either one of you.

That's because we were
whispering.

What don't you want me to know?

Nothing, nothing.

Linda, why don't you go
have a cup of coffee?

I don't really drink coffee.
Can I have tea?

You can have a sh*t and a beer.
Just get outta here.

Mrs. Cooper, I've looked
in your ears.

I-I can't see anything.

I am so relieved.

But while I'm here--
Mm?

--there was something
on the news last night

about five warning signs.

I definitely have three of them.

Fatigue, sore joints,
and disorientation.

Ho-- Hold on, hold on.
Five warning signs f-for what?

I don't know. I walked into the
room after the program started.

I just have this feeling

that something's
terribly wrong with me.

Well, no argument here.

[ blues theme playing ]

Mr. Marino, the pharmacy--

[ tut-tuts ]

Well, tell her
I got all my guys out there.

Look, a frigging pipe burst.

What makes her flooded basement
so special?

Okay, okay, I'll be there
in 20 minutes, yeah.

All right,
this won't take long, right?

I gotta go see
some broad's basement.

Let me ask you something.

What the hell were you thinking

not picking up your pills?

Oh. I, uh--

You know, I don't like to put
all these chemicals in my body.

Yeah, yeah,
clearly it's a temple.

All right, look,

I didn't get around to it.

You were probably too busy
having a heart att*ck.

What?

Oh, good. Got your attention.

Yeah, according to this EKG,

since the last time
you were here,

you've had a small heart att*ck.

[ scoffs ]:
You're nuts.
I didn't feel anything.

Well, it can happen that way,
Mr. Marino,

when you're severely diabetic.

Now, I want to see
if your arteries are blocked,

so I'm gonna schedule you
for a treadmill test

and maybe an angiogram.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Now you're
starting with the tests?

Look, this is just some scam
you doctors run.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
it's a scam all right.

Just like all the other things
I prescribed

that you chose to ignore,

like testing
your blood sugar,

low-fat diet,
getting your exercise.

Oh, well, that's a lot
to remember.

You remembered to keep smoking.

Who says I'm smoking?

You're a lying, smoking bastard.

I know because I'm one too.

Look, you know, right now
you're being stupid.

You wanna be stupid and dead?

Use that
with all your patients?

Only the stupid ones.

Look, it's real simple,
Mr. Marino.

You're walkin'
across the street.

A bus is coming at you.

I'm trying to help you
get out of the way.

Even a 5-year-old
is smart enough to do that.

You think you might take
directions

as well as a 5-year-old?

You know what, I got
some directions for you, pal.

Why don't you
go straight to hell,

take a left at Up Yours,

and make a right at Kiss My Ass?

BECKER:
Oh, that's brilliant.

Yeah, that's just brilliant.

You wanna die?
Fine, go ahead and die.

I could care less.
It's okay with me.

Huh.

Who's next, Margaret?

[ blues theme playing ]

Well, when Mr. Marino
gets back to the office,

tell him to call Dr. Becker,
please.

He told you to tell me that?

Well, I'm a doctor,

and that's not
physically possible.

Just-- Just tell him
it's important.

Thank you.

Linda, let me see you here
for a second, will you?

Sure.

What's this?

Uh, it's my air horn.

Um...

Please, sit down. Ahem.

Oh, no, not
the "please, sit down" speech.

I'm getting fired, aren't I?

This is just the way it happened
at all my other jobs.

The temp agency,
the movie theater,

Supercuts, the movie theater.

Linda,
you're not getting fired.

I just want to talk to you
in private for a minute.

Oh, no, this is the donut shop
all over again.

Dr. Becker,
I have a boyfriend.

I'm not coming on to you.

Oh, then I don't have
a boyfriend.

Well, I did, but we had a fight.

You see, what happened was I--

Sit down.

Now, listen to me.

Last night I was on the phone
for an hour with a Mr. Lyles.

He wanted to cancel his MRI.

You scared him half to death.

I didn't mean to.

Well, you might not have
meant to, but you did.

I mean, here's a guy

who's going in
for a serious test,

and you're talking to him
about being buried alive.

You're right.

I should put myself
in the patient's shoes

like you do.

Right. Right, like that.

I'm sorry, doctor.

No, it's all right.

Um, when is Mrs. Schwartz having

her gall bladder operation?

Tomorrow.

You may wanna call her.

[ blues theme playing ]

Any other doctors call
for Marino's records?

For the tenth time, no.

What the hell's he thinking?
He has diabetes.

He needs to be
under a doctor's care.

We can't force him
to take care of himself.

We sent him
the certified letter,

and I even included a list
of other doctors in the area.

It's up to him now.

You know, I was just
being honest with him, you know?

I mean, I can't change
medical facts

for every person that walks
in this place, am I right?

And how many times
did you call him stupid?

That has nothing to do with it.

That has everything
to do with it.

You're dealing with people,
John.

Sometimes you have to be
a little tactful.

I don't have time
to be tactful, Margaret.

Am I wrong here?

A guy's crossing the street,
a bus is about to hit him.

I yell out at him to watch out.

You keep yelling at me
like that,

I'll shove you
in front of that bus,

climb inside,
get behind the wheel,

and then back up over you again.

All right, all right,
all right.

This is silly.

Now, if anyone calls
for Marino for anything,

let me know so we can get it
straightened out, will you?

Absolutely.

You'd really back up over me?

Only to put you
out of your misery.

Oh, well, thank you.

[ blues theme playing ]

Hey, Jake,
let me ask you something.

Say you're crossing the street
and some guy yells at you

because you're about
to be hit by a bus--

What street?

What's the difference?

Well, John, I'm trying
to help you here. So--

F-fine, Fordham Road, you happy?

Th-th-the point is--

Is it a local or an express?

What difference does it make?

I wanna know how fast
it's going.

If it's local,
I know it's gonna stop.

But if it's an express, it's
just come barreling through.

I don't know what kind of bus
it is, all right?

Okay, fine, fine.

So I'm crossing the street

and here comes some kind of bus

which may or may not be going
fast enough to hit me, right?

No, yo-- You know what?

The bus was going faster
than I thought. You're dead.

Okay, okay, but why does it
always have to be

the blind, black guy
crossing the street--?

All right, all right, Jake.

Fine. It's a white guy
crossin' the street.

Now we're talking.

Is he big and slow?

He's me, okay?
I'm crossing the street.

Oh, well, that's easy.

The bus hits you
and nobody calls for help,

because everyone
in this neighborhood knows you.

[ chuckles ]

So who'd you piss off
this time, Becker?

Some patient.

You probably bored him
with that bus story.

No one's talking to you.

You asked for my opinion.

Yeah, fat lot of good
it did me.

You have race issues,
don't you?

I didn't used to.

Ebony and ivory, shut up.

All right, you know,
I-I can't stand it anymore.

W-w-what the hell
is that thing?

Oh, this? This is my sculpture
from last night's class.

You like it?
Well, it depends.

What is it?

It's an abstract.

Then I'd say you nailed it.

Did you get
any telephone numbers?

Heh. Oh, yeah. Ha-ha-ha.

Horny guys and desperate women.

It's the Renaissance
all over again.

What is that?

Oh, it's just my air horn.

Uh, let me have a muffin there,
will you, Reg?

Gotta get back to the office and
practice being tactful

all afternoon.

It's gonna take more than one
afternoon.

Go to hell.

Good start.

Jake, I gotta be honest
with you.

I can't believe you're scamming
on those women.

You know, I thought you were
a better person than that.

Hey, you think I'm proud
of myself for doing this?

When I lost my sight,
I had to accept a lot of things.

And-- And one of them was

that I might never be
with a woman again.

Look, Jake, I'm sorry,
maybe I was too harsh.

No, when this first started off,
it may have been a scam,

but once I got into it,

it became something else.

They had a nude model there.

I couldn't see her,

but I sure could imagine her.

This thing probably looks
ridiculous to you,

but to me, this is every woman
I've ever been with.

Right here?

This is the part
on the small of her back

where I'd rest my hand
when we danced.

And this, this is smooth like--

Like the slope
of a bare shoulder.

And this is that spot right
behind a woman's ear where--

Where the smell of her perfume
would just drive me insane.

And right here?

Did you ever have a man
kiss that little spot

right behind your knee?

Oh, yeah.

Well, maybe now you understand.

Wait a minute.

You know, I can't believe
I bought into this.

You? Never be with
a woman again?

You go out all the time.

And now you know why.

[ blues theme playing ]

Oh, hey, Mr. Agler,
I'll be right with you.

Anything on Marino?

John,

if anyone calls,
I promise I'll tell you.

In the meantime,
Mrs. Cooper is in Room 1.

Cooper again?
Mm-hm.

Well, it's nice to know

we have something to count on
besides death, taxes,

and God talking to southerners
with no teeth.

What is it this time?

Who knows?

Maybe she walked past a tree

and thinks she has
Dutch elm disease.

Mrs. Cooper?

Oh, doctor, I don't seem
to be able to find my--

[ giggles ]
So, Mrs. Cooper,

what seems to be
your problem today?

Well, I was watching
the news last night,

and there was a story
about how power lines

are giving people headaches.

And I have this headache,
so I was wondering--

It's not impossible.

But really,
we have to have a talk.

Mrs. Cooper, you have to
turn off your television set.

Is that what's giving me
headaches?

No, it's what's giving me
headaches.

Every time you watch a program,

you're in here the next day
with a new ailment.

You gotta get a life. Get a dog.

Dust off Mr. Cooper.
Make him take you dancing.

Anything.

You gotta stop coming in here

with symptoms you don't have.

For God's sake, leave some room
for people who really are sick.

I'm sorry, Dr. Becker.

I won't bother you anymore.

Hey, now, wait, wait, wait.

Wait, um--

P-perhaps I'm not being

as tactful as I should be.

I like you.

I'd hate to see you
if you didn't.

All I'm trying to say is,

I wanna see you start spending
more time living your life

instead of worrying
about what might end it.

Now, I don't want you
to stop coming here.

I just want you to be
a little more sick when you do.

Okay?

Okay.

All right.

A-ac-- You know,
one more thing actually.

And this is just something
to think about.

You know, th-there's stuff
that goes on inside all of us

that makes us act the way we do.

Now that said,

you might wanna talk
to a therapist.

It might be helpful.

I've thought about it.

Have you?

[ blues theme playing ]

[ blues theme playing ]

[ doorbell rings ]

What the hell
are you doing here?

Mr. Marino,
we need to talk.

What, did you come to apologize?

Not really. But if it will
move things along, I apologize.

Oh, I don't wanna hear it.

What the hell kind of game
are you playing?

I'm here to save your life,
you big meatball.

If you can't get--

[ doorbell rings ]

[ sighs ]

I'm really, really trying here.

We were about
to have dinner.

Whatever you're selling,

we ain't buying.

No, I'm not selling anything,
Mrs. Marino.

I'm John Becker.

Until earlier this week,
I was your husband's doctor.

Are you aware of his condition?

She knows
I'm never seeing you again.

Why is the doctor
coming to our house?

What didn't you tell me?

You're letting him in our house?
It's my house too.

Oh, not a day goes by
that I'm not aware of that.

Can I get you something
to drink?

No, that's--
I made lemonade.

I'll get you some lemonade.
Angelo, help me.

He doesn't want any.

MRS. MARINO:
Angelo, I said help me.

Thanks a lot.

MRS. MARINO:
Make yourself comfortable.
We'll be back.

Mrs. Marino,
that's really not nec--

MRS. MARINO:
Make yourself comfortable.

ANGELO:
Why are you giving him lemonade?

MRS. MARINO:
Why shouldn't I?

You know, you and I

are gonna have to have
a little talk, mister.

Oh, God.

ANGELO:
I'm the king of this house.
Not you.

MRS. MARINO:
You ain't the king of nothing,
let me tell you.

Here you go, doctor.

Oh, thank you.

Uh, listen, uh, about
your husband's condition.

The diabetes.
Yeah, I know about it.

Yeah, see? She knows about it.
So you can drink up and get out.

See here, sit down.

Mrs. Marino, I'm sure you care
about your husband a great deal.

D-didn't you tell her
what happened?

Nothing.

This jerk says
I had a heart att*ck.

A heart att*ck?

How could you not
tell me that?

I forgot. I mean, you know,

I do have plumbing business
to run.

You know, I think you're
spending too much time

with your head
in people's toilets.

Hey, hey, hey, those toilets
put food on your table.

Oh, how the hell
could you not tell me

you had a heart att*ck?

So you were saying, doctor?

I was about to ask you
if you were any good at nagging,

but I think we're there.

Um, the point is your husband's
condition needs monitoring.

There's a doctor in the
neighborhood who's excellent.

I've told him about
your husband's condition.

He'll be happy
to take care of him.

No, no, no. I'm not going
to some quack he recommended.

You're going, Angelo.
Dot, dash, end of story.

I'd like to thank you very much
for coming by, doctor.

Well, it's just something
I felt I needed to do.

You know, if you'd like
to stay for dinner,

we're having some ravioli

with some nice homemade
sausages.

Neither of which
is on his diet.

Come on. Her cooking

is the only perk
in this marriage I got left.

I'm standing right here.
I see you.

Don't start with me.
Now, don't you start with me.

Because you know what?

You've been a thorn in my side

since the day I met you.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey.

Listen to me.

I know why you wanna k*ll him.

And now I know
why you wanna die.

Best of luck to both of you.

Oh, my God.

The hell, I'm glad he's gone.
Don't wish it on me.

Where'd you get him?

[ blues theme playing ]

[ phone rings ]

Hello?

Excuse me?

Am I interested in changing
my long-distance carrier?

[ screeches ]

Thanks for calling.

[ blues theme playing ]

[ blues theme playing ]