01x06 - Man Plans, God Laughs

[bunniefuu]

[ upbeat blues theme playing ]

Did you guys
see the paper this morning?

John, we keep
going over this.

I'm blind.

I haven't seen anything
for five years.

Yeah, well, it's unbelievable.

You know, some kid
in West Virginia

gets a bad grade,
grabs his daddy's r*fle,

and sh**t out
his teacher's tires.

You know, another slice
of Americana

brought to you by those
card-carrying lunatics

who think they're defending
the Second Amendment.

Lord knows, when I want the
Constitution explained to me,

the first place I turn to
is to some toothless cretin

with a third grade education
and an Elmer Fudd cap.

Not that I have anything
against hunting.

If it makes you feel
more like a man

to blow Bambi's head off,

knock yourself out.

Just lock up the damn g*n
so when little Billy Bob,

you know, flunks gym,
he doesn't have a hissy fit

and take out half the faculty.

Reg, we gotta get to
the paper before he does

so we can cut out everything
that'll piss him off.

That pretty much leaves
the weather and Charlie Brown.

Yeah, you know, I-- I hate
that pathetic little clod.

How hard is it
to kick a damn football?

Can I help you?
Get you some coffee?

So Bob heard it right.

The rumor's true.

Reggie Kostas,
high school prom queen,

back in the old
neighborhood.

What happened? Life in the fast
lane get too dull for ya? Hm?

So that's a "no" on the coffee?

Don't remember Bob, do ya?

Well, why should you?

Bob wasn't hip enough.
Bob wasn't cool enough.

Bob wasn't disco enough
for you and your in-crowd.

I'm guessing this is Bob.

The prom queen flipping burgers
in her old man's diner.

That's really gotta sting
at your age.

He makes a good point.

So is there something
I can do for ya, Bob?

Sure, now you want me.

Well, you're a little late.

But in case you're wondering
what you passed up,

I got the seventh biggest
restaurant supply business

in the tri-state area.

A couple of terrific kids,

and a wife with two of the
greatest knockers money can buy.

So, Miss All-That,

you may have chilled Bob
in high school,

but out here in life,
well, who's the loser now?

The answer is you.

Bob was being rhetorical.

Can you believe
that weird little dink?

You were a prom queen?

Yeah, did you have the--
The poofy white dress,

the sash,
and the tiara?

[ chuckling ]

Just put it down, boys,
and nobody gets hurt.

Yeah, oh, please, Reg,
wear the outfit to work.

Just once.

Oh, give her a break, John.

No way she still fits
into that dress.

[ laughing ]

Let me ask
you guys something.

How smart do you think it is
to tick off the person

who makes your food?

'Cause I could slip in

all kinds of nasty things,

and you'd never taste it.

And you'd never see it.

You ask me,
Bob dodged a b*llet.

Good morning.
Finally!

You know,
I'm not gettin' any younger.

You wanna get any older,
drop the attitude.

Oh. Where have you been?

[ sneezes ]

Oh, what-- What is that?
You sick?

Oh, headache, sore throat,
stuffy nose.

The whole megillah.

Well, don't stand around here
feeling like that. Go home.

No, it's all right,
I'll get through the day.

Don't be ridiculous,
you look terrible.

You know, go home.
Make your family sick.

Drum up some new business.

Oh, fine. I'm sure Linda
can handle things around here.

On second thought,
you don't look that bad.

Oh, come on--
Ah, too late.

Mr. DeMarco is in 2,

Mrs. Forrester
is your office.

And I'm not sure why Mr. Gordon
is here, but not my problem.

Ya.

[ laughing ]

Linda, stop that.

Look, Margaret
went home sick.

Here's the appointment book.
You're in charge.

Nuh-uh.

I can't--
I can't do that.

I haven't been here
that long.

And between you and me, I don't
know what the hell I'm doing.

Yeah, well, trust me,
your secret's out.

It's simple.

Appointments come first
unless it's an emergency.

You know, a patient comes out,
you send another one back.

Oh, sort of like landing planes
at the airport.

So I'll be kind of like
the air traffic controller.

Yeah, w-whatever.

Although that concept
fills me with a dread

you can't begin to imagine.

Sorry I'm late, Peter.

Do you think Elle Macpherson
would go out with me?

I don't know. Ask your wife.

Oh, yeah.

[ chuckling ]:
Yeah.

So, what's the verdict?

Well, tests
are all fine.

Your cholesterol's back down
to where we want it.

You're in great shape.

Oh, I have to warn you though,

next year it's the dreaded
sigmoidoscopy.

Is that where they, uh...?

With the, uh...

[ whistles ]

Yeah, yeah, basically
we stick a camera in your pants

and give you a wedgie.

[ chuckles ]

I can't wait.
Yeah.

Hey, did you see
that Ranger game last night?

Ah, yeah, it was
a blood bath, wasn't it?

How about that sh*t the goalie
stopped in the second period?

Oh, I hope he's had
all the kids he wants.

[ chuckling ]:
Yeah.

Hey, listen,
I don't know if this, uh,

If this goes against
any doctor-patient rules,

but, uh, I have an extra ticket
for Friday night

against the Flyers, interested?

Oh, no, thanks a lot.
That's, uh...

I got-- Kind of got plans
that night.

Oh, you got a date, huh?
No.

There's this,
uh, nature series

I-I'm watching about turtles.

Uh, they're--
They're kind of endangered,

and, uh, this would be the part
where the turtles, um...

lay-- Lay the eggs.

Uh...Friday?

Yeah.
Screw the turtles. I'm in.

Okay.

Thanks a lot.
All right.

Mrs. Forrester.

You were in last week.
What's wrong?

I'm dying.

We're all dying.

Yeah, but I'm dying
next Tuesday.

Okay.

Look, I was on
this elevator yesterday,

and all of a sudden this voice
out of nowhere started singing,

"Goodbye, Ruthie, Tuesday."

You hear me?

It was like a--
A message from God.

N-no, no, it's "Ruby Tuesday."

It's a Rolling Stones song.

And although you're roughly
the same age as the Stones,

I don't think-- I don't think
they were singing about you.

Mrs. Forrester,
you're doing just fine.

I don't usually make guarantees,
but if you drop dead Tuesday,

you come straight back here,
I'll give you your money back.

Maybe you're right.

But I do have to make
some decisions

about my final arrangements,

and I was hoping
you could help.

Me? No, my job
is to keep you alive.

After that, you're on your own.

Please, I promise I won't
tell anyone you were nice to me.

Oh, all right.

Oh, thank you.

I could've talked this over
with my husband,

except he d*ed before me.

But that was just like Harold.

No matter what,
he always had to finish first.

Way, way too much sharing.

[ doorbell rings ]

[ sighs ]

Hello, sir.

Have you given
any thought to the afterlife?

It depends.

Are you two gonna be there?

Well, yes, sir.

That's why we're here,
in fact--

[ knocking on door ]

WOMAN:
Dr. Becker?

How do people find out
where I live?

Mrs. Forrester,
what are you doing here?

I was in the neighborhood,

so I figured I'd drop off
these casket brochures.

Oh, how thoughtful.

Oh, I'm sorry.
You're in the middle of dinner.

I-I'm imposing.

Well, kind of.
But, that's all right.

Let me just, uh...

I'll give these
a look-see, here.
Thank you.

I-I got my eye on the mahogany
casket with the gold handles.

I'll be eager to hear
what you think.

Right about now I'm thinking
Ziploc bag and a catapult.

Jake, I'm looking
at some brochures, here.

If you were gonna
pick a casket,

would you go with the "rich,
deep texture of mahogany"

or "the sleek sporty lines
of aluminum"?

Frankly, I'd prefer to stick
with the bumpy, jostley feeling

of walking around.

Why are you picking out
a casket?

Oh, it's for one
of my patients.

Boy, you give up easy,
don't ya?

REGGIE:
Oh, God.

That's right.
Bob's back.

On his previous visit,
Bob may have been a tad harsh.

True, you were a stuck-up bitch
in high school,

but bygones
are bygones.

Hug?

I'd rather set myself on fire.

Ah, you missed
your chance, loser.

So, uh, the next time you're
scraping grease off the grill,

you think about Bob.

Well, you know that I mean.

Bye, Bob.

Can you believe that little
creep just walks in here

and calls me a loser?

I mean, maybe this isn't
Tavern on the Green,

but that doesn't
make me a loser.

Excuse me.

What? You're from
the Science Club?

You want
a piece of me too?

I-I don't think so. No.

Actually, I was just
looking for--

Oh, there he is. Thanks.

Hey, Peter.
Hey.

Uh, your office told me
I'd find you here.

Listen, I have a late meeting.

I wanted to give you
your ticket.

Is it okay if we just
meet at the Garden?

Yeah, no problem.

I would've left it
with the girl at the office,

but, uh, it seems
a little chaotic over there.

By the way, is, uh--?
Is she new?

To pretty much
everything, yeah.

Um...what--?
What's going on?

Uh, well, let's just say
we'll probably see less v*olence

at the hockey game.

[ all shouting ]

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!

What's going on here?

This is a doctor's office,
not an Iranian pep rally!

Everybody,
sit down.

Not you.

What's going on?

Okay, this whole appointment
thing is not working for me.

Well--

But I've come up
with something new.

What if I changed the exam
room numbers to letters?

So in Room A would be
Mrs. Shelton with arthritis.

See? A in A.

Go on.

Okay, then in Room B,

I could put Mr. Gordon
with bursitis.

And in Room C,
that guy with cataracts.

If I could find him.

He was kind of wandering
all over the place.

We have three exam rooms.
That's A, B and C.

What happens
if someone comes in with,

oh, I don't know,
M for "migraine"?

Headache. A for "ache."

Pregnancy?

B for "baby."

X-ray?

C for "see-through."

Is this really that tough
to follow?

Just send them back.

Okay. Colitis,
you're on deck.

[ phone rings ]

[ raspy voice ]:
Hello?

She wants to bring the patients
in alphabetically, Margaret.

She's turning the place
into Sesame Street.

"How am I feeling?"

Oh, thank you for asking.
I'm feeling a little better.

I was going to ask. I'm--
I'm just a little rushed here.

Peter DeMarco and I are gonna
go to the Rangers game.

At this rate, I'm never
gonna get outta here.

You're kidding?
You're going out?

That's not like you.

Well, uh, w-why is that
so hard to believe?

You know, I like having
a good time. I like people.

No, you don't.

I'm trying to like people.

It's just, you know, so hard
to weed through the stupid ones.

You--? You gonna--?
You gonna help me or not?

All right.

I will drag myself out of my bed
and spend one hour on the subway

so that you can get to
your precious hockey game.

"Thank you, Margaret."

I was gonna say "thank you."

You know, nobody
gives me a chance.

[ sarcastically ]:
Aw.

Oh, there you are.

I brought in
several dresses.

What do you think
about this one?

Uh, fine, I guess.
What are you dressing up for?

Eternity.

Oh.

Mrs. Forrester, isn't there
someone else you can talk to?

A friend? Family?

Just a sister in San Diego.

But she's completely loopy.

Last week,
she drove her scooter

right into a mural
of the sunset.

Doctor, my granddaughter
just had a baby.

Any chance I'll get out of here
in time for his graduation?

Your x-rays are fine,
Mr. Gordon.

I'll go over them with you
in a minute here. Let me--

You know something?

I want-- I want you
to meet Mrs. Forrester.

Now, she's having a little
trouble pickin' out a dress

for a very special
occasion.

Maybe you could
give her a hand.

Forty years
in the Garment Centre.

Oh.
I think I could
be of some help.

Uh, if the lady
doesn't mind.

Oh, I'd be flattered.

Just call me
"Dr. Becker, Geriatric Pimp."

Okay, Mrs. Kapelos,
you're gonna be just fine.

A couple weeks, you're gonna
be flat on your back,

your legs up in the air,
screaming like a banshee.

Pretty much what put you
in that condition

in the first place.

Okay...

who's next?

We're done.

I've seen the entire alphabet?

Yep, except for Mrs. Mancuso.

I sent her
to get her roots done.

I know she was here
for a flu sh*t,

but the hair problem
was way worse.

Sorry it took so long.

Some lunatic was on the subway
tracks in a Superman outfit

screaming that he was
more powerful than a locomotive.

He wasn't.

Where is everyone?

Well, you--
You know, Margaret,

I think I was a little premature
in giving you a call, there.

Um, looks like we're done.

Oh, I know I didn't
just hear you say that.

Yeah.

Don't worry, your job's safe.

I know my limitations,

and I'm so far past them,
you have no idea.

Oh, that reminds me,

there's some cups
in the bathroom

with pee in them.

And there's some labels on your
desk with patients' names.

I'm not sure which
belongs to which.

Good night.

Well, you--
You look much better.

I mean, that-- That fresh air
did you a world of good.

Oh, yeah, Mrs. Forrester,
I'm sorry.

I got a little
carried away there.

Uh, if you wanna
go over the brochure--

Oh, that. I think I decided
which cruise to take.

Cruise?
What about the cas--?

Shh! You want him to think
I'm some kind of a nut?

Good night.

Night.

She's a hottie.

I-I don't know
how to thank you.

Well, just seeing the two of you
leave is thanks enough.

Stay well.

[ phone rings ]

Dr. Becker's office.

It's Peter DeMarco's secretary.

Hi, uh, Dr. Becker.

When?

How?

Yes, ahem.
Well, thank you very much.

John?

It's Peter DeMarco...

he collapsed at his desk
this afternoon.

Massive cerebral
hemorrhage.

Paramedics rushed him
to Mount Sinai.

He didn't make it.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

What are you doing?

I gave him a complete
work-up, Margaret.

He was fine.

Damn it.

John. John.

John, you didn't
miss anything.

You know as well as I do
that it was probably an aneurysm

that he had his whole life.

This could've happened
at any time.

You know,
this does not make sense.

The last two days,
I've been planning a funeral

with some woman
who's out on a date,

and making plans with some guy
who's on his way to a funeral.

[ sighs ]

I could tell you
that it was God's will,

but I know you don't
wanna hear that.

Truth is, Margaret,
I envy you and your Bible.

You know, at least it's
someplace to look for answers.

I have one in my desk.

Would you like to look at it?

No, thanks.

Then I'd be one of those people
who reads the Bible.

You know, I have a--

I have a bottle
of Scotch in my desk.

You wanna join me?

No, thanks.

But my way won't give you
a headache tomorrow.

Wanna bet?

Maybe you and I oughta just, uh,
stick to what works for us.

I guess.

Come on, let's get
out of here.

Ah, thank you.
Actually, I'm gonna just...

Ahem, I'm gonna sit here
for a while.

Night.

Good night, John.

What are you doing?

Eating pie.

[ register dings ]

I can see that.

Do you usually sweat
when you eat?

It's really good pie.

Yeah, it must be.

What the hell happened
to all my cigarettes?

I bummed a few.

You don't smoke.

I had to do something

while I was waiting
for the pie to be delivered.

You know, I'm a medically
trained professional.

Let me take
a s*ab at this.

You're upset.

It's Bob.
Bob?

That little dink
from my high school.

[ groans ]

He was right about me.

I'm nowhere, I have no plans.

Yeah, well,
plans are overrated.

They change.

I don't know what I'm doing
with my life.

And I'm stuck here
in this stupid diner.

Oh, come on,
don't say that.

Come on, that's not true.

You're smart,
you're talented.

You know, I have no doubt
you're gonna achieve

whatever you set
your mind to.

That's it?
That's the best you can do?

Give me the cigarettes.

No, hang on.
Hey, don't do that.

Forget the cigarettes.
They're bad for ya.

And you're--
And you're wasting them.

I stink at giving advice.

If I was any good
at giving advice,

I-- I'd give some
to myself, you know?

I have as many problems
as anybody else.

Have some pie.

No, then I'd just be one
of those people who eats pie.

Okay, so you stink
at the big picture.

Got any words of wisdom
to get me through the night?

You know,
what I like to do

is, uh, find someone who's
even more miserable than me.

And then hang out
with them.

Hey, that's not bad.

I could call Mary Anne Mahoney.

She's been divorced three times,

gained 50 pounds,
and she works in a tollbooth.

Now, her life's
in the toilet.

There you go.

See, now you're all
happy again.

Good night.

Hey, Becker?
Did you mean what you said?

Absolutely.

About what?

Me being smart and talented
and able to do anything I want.

Well, how can I say no to that?

Thank you. That's the nicest
thing you've ever said to me.

My pleasure.
Have a nice weekend.

I'm just gonna go grab
some Chinese food and go home.

Wait a minute,
I thought you were gonna

go to a Ranger game
with that, uh, friend of yours.

No.

No, like I said,
plans change.

Good night.

[ upbeat blues theme playing ]