01x11 - Scriptus Interruptus

[bunniefuu]

[ blues theme playing ]

[ knocks ]

Ah, come on, Reg.

Open up already.

God, it's the creature
that doesn't sleep.

Come on, will you?

Why are you keeping me
waiting out there?

I've already been hit on
by a junkie,

two bums and a hooker.

Always nice to see a family
working together, though,

isn't it?

I need coffee to go.

It's brewing.

Don't you ever just wake up
and think:

"Wow, what a beautiful day.
Isn't it great to be alive?"

W-W-Where did you grow up,
in a greeting card?

Well, you're always so cynical.

I don't understand
why you can't be more positive.

Oh, I'm positive.

I'm positive
that every single day

the evil forces of nature
are out there

waiting to screw me.

Wow, how do you get through
a day with that attitude?

I have a cup of coffee.

All right,
I heard you the first time.

So why are you up
so early anyway?

I've gotta get into the office.

I promised a friend of mine
I'd do him a favor.

It's already biting me
in the ass.

Gee, you're making such a fuss.

What did you promise him
you'd do, give him a kidney?

No, I'm gonna need my kidney
for my coffee.

[ sighs ]

I told him I'd write an article
in his medical journal.

It's due in two days.

I don't even know
what I'm gonna write yet.

You know,
when am I gonna learn my lesson?

You know,
I-I just can't say no to people.

Oh, yeah,
clearly that's your problem.

You're too accommodating.

Okay.

Mmm.
Mmm.

Had a great time last night.

I had two great times.
[ chuckles ]

See you for lunch?
Yeah, I'm hungry already.

Hey.

Mmm.
Mmm.

I'll miss you.
I'll miss you more.

Bye.
Bye.

Bye.
Bye.

[ chuckles ]

I have gotta get rid
of that woman.

Morning.
Yeah, morning.

What's going on, Jake?
I thought you liked Amy.

Oh, I do. We have a great time.

But this morning,
she went and she ruined it.

How?

Left her toothbrush
in my bathroom.

The bitch.

Come on,
first she leaves her toothbrush,

then it's some makeup,
then it's a change of clothes.

Which means?
Come on, Reg, it's obvious.

She wants to move in.

I mean, women are like armies.

Before they inv*de,
they stockpile supplies

at the border.

Hey, she's already talking about
rearranging my furniture,

which doesn't work for me
on a number of levels.

I don't know, Jake.

Maybe she's looking for
the relationship to progress.

See?
That's what I'm talking about.

What is it with women?

Why do they have to take
a beautiful thing like dating

and then just
suck all the fun out of it?

They're practicing for marriage.

[ blues theme playing ]

[ blues theme playing ]

[ Linda screams ]

Stop it!

Why do women always have to
scream when they're surprised?

Can't you just clutch your heart
and drop dead like a man?

Oh, brother.

What-- What are you doing here?
Sleeping.

Oh, coffee, thank God.
What? Oh, no, no.

What's going on?

What are you two doing here?

What are you two doing here?
What are you doing?

I came in to open the office.
What are you doing?

I came to write
that stupid article.

You haven't done that yet?
No, I haven't done that yet.

Well, what is she doing here?

Do I look like the concierge?

I walked in here,
she's sleeping.

You were sleeping here?

I was till he came in.

Well,
why were you sleeping here?

Well, the table in Exam Room One
was too hard.

The table in Room Two
was too soft.

But Dr. Becker's chair
was just--

Linda.
Linda.

I live here now.

Why is she living here?

Ask her.
Why are you living here?

Okay, here's the thing.

I found this great
new apartment.

So I left my old one
and I rented the new one.

So why aren't you living there?

Okay, here's the thing.

The end of my old lease and the
beginning of the my new lease

didn't exactly dovetail
the way I'd hoped.

So I just need to stay here
for three more days.

Can I, please? Can I?

Oh, fine. But just get out
of here right now.

I need to write this article.
Oh, thank you, Dr. Becker.

I really appreciate it.

And to prove it, I'm gonna
show you a whole new Linda.

Thank you.
No, do--

I'm gonna be the best assistant
that you ever had.

Shouldn't be too tough.

The last one robbed you
at gunpoint.

[ blues theme playing ]

Hey, Becker, you got a minute?
No, I-I really don't.

I need to write this article.

You haven't done that yet?
No, I haven't done that yet.

And I don't even know
what I'm writing.

So would you please
just leave me alone?

Sorry I bothered you.

Wait, wait.
I don't wanna be insensitive.

You're not dying, are you?

No.

Great, then take a hike.

Jake, I really like you.

The time we spend together
is great.

Hell yeah.

And we just get along so great.

[ chuckling ]
Hell yeah.

And I think it could be
even better

if we move in together.

But there's a problem.
Oh, yeah?

I mean, what problem?

It's your cat.

You know how allergic I am,
and the pills just don't help.

So if you wanna take this step,

well, I'm sorry,

but you'll have to find
another home for the cat.

Oh, boy. I don't know, um...

I've had that cat for so long.

I mean, when he curls up
in my lap and purrs,

I get this safe warm feeling.

I mean, it feels good
when you do that too,

but...

Well, but getting rid of him
would be like

losing a part of me.

I've lost enough already.

I feel terrible.

I had no idea your cat
meant that much to you.

I'm sorry, I don't know
how we can get past this.

I need to think.

I'll call you, okay?

All right.

Jake, that was low.

You just got that cat
and it doesn't even have a name.

Well, why? Look, I like Amy.

I'm just not ready
for that kind of commitment.

And it was a clean out.

And the best part,
I'm not even the bad guy.

[ laughs ]

I'm just a poor blind guy
who loves his cat.

[ laughs ]

Suddenly, I'm hungry.

Perhaps I'll have some cake
and eat it too.

[ laughs ]

All men are not evil.
It's only a few.

All men are not evil.

It's only a few.

You want a refill?
No.

Damn it, Reg,
I was this close to an idea.

Well,
as long as you're on a break,

I need to ask you a favor.

Oh, good, another favor.

This isn't like that article.

This is something you can do.

This woman I know,

she and her husband
have been trying to have a baby.

They haven't had any luck,

and, well, they can't figure out
what they've been doing wrong.

Take them into your men's room.

There's a doodle on the wall

that illustrates
the whole process.

Becker.
[ sighs ]

All right, fine.
Tell them to come see me.

But please just let me
have five minutes.

Okay.

John.

What?

I just used my cat
to get rid of a girlfriend.

Was that wrong?

You got a cat
that gets rid of people?

Can I borrow it?

[ blues theme playing ]

[ door opening ]

Hello.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Who the hell are you?

I am super.

You're a super what?

Oh, excuse me.

My English is not
so freaking good.

I am Alexei,
new super for building.

I come to fix light in bathroom.

Wait, hold on a second, pal.
What happened to the other guy?

What's his name? Ernesto?

Went back to Dominican Republic

to pick bananas
or run for president.

Who cares?

Now, you want me to fix light,

or should I just
go screw off myself?

Look, I'm trying to write
an article here, you know.

I need some peace and quiet.

Can't you come back
some other time?

Hey, you think
you're the only one

who is needing Alexei
in the building?

I got freaking Mrs. Muchnick
bitching me up

about her noisy toilet,

and this big nose, uh,

Wilson from 2-C, bugging me
about his stinking oven.

You can all go
kiss me on my ass.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

Gorby, relax.

You can fix the light.

May I?

Thank you so very freaking much.

Like I am needing this.

Back home in Russia,
I was leading economist.

Yeah, right.

That explains why they're
doing so well over there.

[ electrical charge ]

ALEXEI:
Son of a bastard!

It's son of a bitch.

ALEXEI:
Excuse me so very freaking much.

[ blues theme playing ]

[ blues theme playing ]

[ clears throat ]

[ screams ]

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

I live here, remember?

Oh, yeah, right.

But can't you go right now?
I gotta write this article.

Haven't done that yet?

No, I haven't done that yet.
Now go.

Oh, thank you.
What? Oh, no, don't.

[ knocking on door ]

Sorry. Forgot my hair dryer.

[ knocking on door ]

Sorry. Forgot my brush.

It's right over here.

Excuse me.

[ knocking on door ]

You come through
that door again,

you're in big trouble!

[ footsteps sounding ]

[ knocking on door ]

Sorry. Forgot my towel.

[ blues theme playing ]

[ phone ringing ]

Dr. Becker's office.

Oh, hi.

Really?

You haven't gotten
that article yet?

Well, I know he finished it.

I'm sure you will have it, um...

Later today.

Mm-hm. Bye.

Does this--
Does this look like later today?

This is not later today.

This is later today.

This is next week sometime.

Well, somebody had to put
some fire under your butt.

All right, fine.
You know something?

I don't have a patient
for an hour.

I'll just go lock myself
in the office

and write this stupid article.

I tell you something, though,
I'm never gonna do a favor

for anyone else ever again.

Oh, there's a couple
waiting in your office

that Reggie sent over.

You said that you would see them
as a favor.

All right, all right, all right,
I'll...

You know, I just can't catch
a break around here.

Need some help
carrying that cross,

or can you make it alone?

Mr. and Mrs. Carbone,
I'm John Becker.

Maria.
How do you do?

This is my husband, Benny.

Yeah, how are you?

So I understand you're having
some trouble conceiving.

I'm not doing it in no cup.
Shut up.

Yeah, let's not jump to
the party quite yet, shall we?

Um...

Look, this could be
a medical problem,

or it could be as simple as your
husband's choice in underwear.

I don't wear no underwear.

Okay. Glad to know that.

Doc, I want a baby so badly,
I'll try anything.

No, she won't.
I suggest things all the time,

but she won't go for it.
Shut up.

You know, doc,
I got a theory about this.

In high school,

it was never the nice girls
that got knocked up.

It was always the sluts.
Shut up.

So if she would just
spice things up a little bit,

uh, you know, outfits,
bigger breasts,

that sort of thing,

maybe my guys would have
something to sh**t for.

Look, Benny, we could sit here
and talk science all day, but...

You know, it could be
any number of things.

It could be
environmental factors.

Hear that? Environmental.

I told you
we should do it outside.

Shut up!

Look, here's what I wanna do.

I wanna take
some baseline tests,

check out your general health,

then we'll take it from there,
okay?

Thank you. You're very kind.

I'm gonna thank Reggie
for sending us to you.

Oh, believe me, so am I.

Hey, doc, talk her into
some bigger breasts.

There's more
where that came from.

[ blues theme playing ]

[ door unlocking ]

Well,
at least the power's back on.

[ phone ringing ]

Yeah?

Oh, hi.

No, you're kidding me.

Y-You haven't gotten
that article yet?

Well, damn it, you know,

Margaret was supposed to
fax that to you this afternoon.

I-- I promise.

First thing in the morning.

I am lying my ass off.

[ knocking on door ]

I-- I'm sleeping.

LINDA:
Dr. Becker, it's Linda.

And I know you're not sleeping
'cause you're talking.

[ sighs ]

All right, all right.

What?

Okay, here's the thing.

My new apartment fell through,

so I'm gonna need to stay in
the office for a few more days,

just until I find a new one.

Fine. That couldn't have waited
until tomorrow?

I'm starting to get creeped out
down there by myself.

I was wondering maybe
if I could stay here.

Oh, no, no, no, I gotta work.
I gotta work.

Got any cookies?
No, no, don't.

LINDA:
See you in the morning.

I've gotta stop
answering the door.

Hello.
Oh!

What the hell
are you doing here?

Drain in Alexei's shower
is stuffed, so I use yours.

You need shampoo.

You--

You didn't even fix
your own shower?

I'm on list.

Well-- Is that my towel?

Oh, you want it back?
No, I don't want it back.

I don't want you
coming in my apartment

without permission.

And I sure as hell
don't want you using my shower.

Okay, okay.

You Americans with your
one person to an apartment.

[ chuckles ]

I go to 5-A and watch TV.

They got big screen and DVD.

Yeah, well, just go, will you?

I got an article to write.

You haven't done it yet?
Just leave.

[ blues theme playing ]

[ blues theme playing ]

Certainly look happy today,
Jake.

You're looking at a man in love.

I was at home last night
and I realized

I'd be out of my mind
to let Amy go.

Couldn't stop thinking
about her.

I just lay there in my bed
fondling her toothbrush.

That's romantic,
in a non-hygienic sort of way.

She's on her way over here.

I'm gonna ask her
to move in with me.

Oh, so you're gonna tell her
that you lied to about the cat.

Reg, I'm trying to start
a relationship with this woman.

I can't tell her the truth.

Jeez, no wonder you're alone.

Thank you, Jake.
Thank you so much.

Morning, Jake.
Yeah.

Reg, can I have a cup of coffee,

eggs, toast
and some orange juice?

Full breakfast this morning.

You must have finished
that article.

Nope. I decided not to do it.

I got thinking about the friend
that asked me to write it.

I realized I was doing it
because he's a friend of mine

then it occurred to me,
if he's really a friend,

he wouldn't have asked me
to do it in the first place.

You mean you just quit?

You spin it your way,
I'll spin it mine.

Hi, Jake. Are you all right?

You sounded so serious
on the phone.

Okay. Here it is.

I want you to move in with me.

Oh, Jake, that's great, baby.

I'm so happy.

But what about the cat?
Ah, forget about the cat.

We'll take him out to
the country and make a ceremony.

We'll open his cage
and sing "Born Free."

If he doesn't come back to me,

then he wasn't mine
to begin with.

Or something like that.

But how will he survive?
What will he eat?

Eh, a few days in the woods,
he won't be so finicky.

So, what do you say?

You know, it's funny.

I was the one who asked you
to get rid of the cat.

But when you told me
how much he meant to you,

I was touched.

Yeah, it's all good.

AMY:
But now,

well, if that's how lightly
you take commitment,

just how long would it be
before you cut me loose?

Oh, I'm sorry, Jake.

No, I think things worked out
for the best.

You take care.

Take him out to the country
and sing "Born Free."

I just screwed myself, didn't I?

You better get used to it.

Benny, come on.
I don't wanna do this.

Shut up. We're doing this.

Hi, Reggie.

Hi, Dr. Becker.

I'm sorry to bother you,

but we were really anxious
about those tests.

Did you find anything?

Wouldn't you be more comfortable
in my office?

See, he don't wanna talk
about it either.

You don't wanna talk about it

'cause your afraid
your guys aren't getting there.

Oh, my guys are getting there.

Maybe they don't like
what they see

and they turn around.
You're a pig.

And you married a pig.
So who's stupider?

Hey, shut up, both of you.

You want my diagnosis?

Here it is, free of charge,
you can't have kids.

Oh, my God.

No, I mean, you can't have kids
as in you shouldn't have kids.

Y-You don't need
a fertility counselor,

you need a marriage counselor.

Medically, you're probably fine,

but until you learn
how to deal with each other,

you shouldn't have a kid.

Hell, you shouldn't even have
a goldfish. Now go away.

Well, I can see you're just not
the doctor for us.

Thanks a lot, Reggie.

Come on, Benny.

BENNY:
Maybe we should get a goldfish.

I didn't say they were nice.

I just said I knew them.

But you were right.
They should never have kids.

Well, medicine isn't always
the best medicine.

You know something?

That's not a bad title
for my article.

That could be the hook
that I need.

Yeah.

Being a doctor is not just
about tests and symptoms,

but sometimes sensing another
person's unique emotional needs.

Hey, John, my girlfriend
just broke up with me.

You got a second to talk?

Buzz off.
I'm trying to write here.

[ blues theme playing ]

Morning, everybody.

Margaret, what's going on?

Oh, You got a couple
of messages.

Mr. and Mrs. Carbone called

and suggested you go
and have a child by yourself,

but not exactly in those words.

Your friend
from the magazine called.

Same message.

Yeah, well,
I can't help the Carbones,

but I did finish the article.

Look at that.

Scraps of paper?

John, this isn't an article,
this is garbage.

Well, you could at least wait
till you read it.

I'm gonna need your help
typing all of this.

Oh, John.
Don't worry about it.

It's all numbered,
it's all there.

Fine.

I have to run out
to the post office.

I'll type it when I get back.

Linda, watch the desk.

Okay.

Morning, doctor.

Huh?

Oh, yeah, morning.

Good news. I found an apartment.

Actually, it's my old one.
I'm gonna move back in.

Oh, well, Godspeed.

Okay, here's the thing.

They raised the rent,

so I'm gonna have to come up
with a security deposit.

It's $800.
Oh, now, Linda, I can't do--

I don't have that kind of money.

Well, okay, I guess I'm just
gonna have to keep living here.

My checkbook's in the office.

Oh, Dr. Becker, thank you!
You really saved my life.

And I'm gonna return the favor.

I'm going to work
extra hard around here.

Look at this place.

The first thing I'm going to do
is clean up this mess.

[ blues theme playing ]