02x01 - It's Only a Paper World

[bunniefuu]

Gee, brain,

What do you
want to do tonight?

The same thing
we do every night,
pinky,

Try to take over
the world.

♪ They're pinky
and the brain ♪

♪ Yes, pinky
and the brain ♪

♪ One is a genius

♪ The other's insane ♪

♪ They're
laboratory mice ♪

♪ Their genes
have been spliced ♪

♪ They're dinky ♪

♪ They're pinky
and the brain ♪

♪ Brain, brain, brain

♪ Brain, brain, brain,
brain, brain ♪

♪ Before each night
is done ♪

♪ Their plan
will be unfurled ♪

♪ By the dawning
of the sun ♪

♪ They'll take over
the world ♪

♪ They're pinky
and the brain ♪

♪ Yes, pinky
and the brain ♪

♪ Their twilight campaign

♪ Is easy to explain

♪ To prove
their mousey worth ♪

♪ They'll overthrow
the earth ♪

♪ They're dinky ♪

♪ They're pinky
and the brain ♪

♪ Brain, brain, brain

♪ Brain, brain,
brain, brain ♪

Narf!

[Clank]
ow! Ha-ha ha ha!

[Clank]
ow! Ha-ha ha ha!

[Clank]
ow!

Papa needs a plan.

[Clank]
ow!

Oh, for a creative impetus.

[Clank]
ow!

Ha-ha ha ha!

Pinky, end this
infernal tomfoolery.

Ow! Ha-ha ha ha!

Oh, you should
try this, brain.

It's like
falling down,

Only without
the ground. Ahh!

Oof!

Like that.

Your very presence
is making me itchy.

Why not finish
reciting that milk ad
you started last week

And let me get
back to work?

Right.

Got, um...
Something.

Poit!

I wonder if
we have any bagels.

Oh!

Ohh!

Grrr!

Pinky, stop chewing
on that ball of foil.

It's making me queasy.

Oh. Sorry, brain.

Finished working out
your plans

For world domination?
Narf!

No, pinky.
If you must know,

I am suffering
from an acute case
of conqueror's block,

So kindly make like
oppenheimer's theory
of nuclear fission

And split.

Righty-o, brain.
Oh, if you need me,

I'll be in the corner
practicing my clapping.

[Claps]

Oh, I'm good.

Finally, a conducive
work environ.

Hmm.

Right now,
I'd k*ll for...

A bear claw
and a mocha cappuccino.

Tv: and with
the happy little brush

Maybe paint
a happy little cloud

In the happy
little sky.

Happy cloud.

Happy sky.

Happy pinky!

Narf!

Oh. Tastes just
like chicken.

Tv: maybe a happy
little bluebird

On a happy
little branch

And a happy
little meteor,

Like the meteor
that's about
to decimate

Our happy
little earth.

Ha ha ha
ha ha ha!

Wha-ha-ha!
Ha ha ha ha!

So, uh...
Whatcha doin'?

Getting happy.

How about you?

Tonight's plan
finished yet, brain?

Uh...plan.

Uh, the plan.

Yes, oh, I've...

I've cooked up
a juicy one, pinky.

Trust me.
Oh, it's a doozy,

A real humdinger.

Narf! Goody.

What's the plan,
brain?

Uh...guess.

All right. Um,
are we going to...

Take debbie allen
hostage,

Depriving
all of humanity

Of enjoyable
choreographed
production numbers?

Hmm.

Nope.

Guess again.

Are we going to...

Oh. Create a riot
by forcing people
to listen

To the touchy-feely
mandy patinkin?

No.

Guess again.

Hmm. I got it.

Use the talents
of paul anka
and carrot top

To stage
the comeback

Of the lovable
tv genius jamie
"klinger" farr.

Come now, pinky,

Let's remain
within the realm
of possibility.

I give up, brain.
You win.

How do we take over
the world this time?

The plan, pinky...

Uh...the plan.

Tv: you can use
these oily rags

As a rustic
oven mitt

Or glue these
flea-market-find
corncobs together

To make an inexpensive
yet chic hard hat

To protect you
from that pesky,
destructive meteor.

Now let's check
on the progress

Of our papier-mâché bust
of art buchwald.

Yes!

Pinky, are you pondering
what I'm pondering?

I think so, brain,

But isn't that why
they invented
tube socks?

Grr!

Old friend,

I'm loaning you
to a cigarette company.

Not again?

Narf. [Coughs]

My plan.

We shall use something

That is utilized
by toddlers, the aged,

And the criminally
insane.

Disposable diapers?

No, pinky, papier-mâché.

We shall construct
an exact replica
of mother earth

Out of papier-mâché.

Then lure all
of civilization

To this new terra
not-so-firma,

Rendering us
the sole inhabitants
of the real earth.

But--but how will
they all fit?

It shall be
actual size.

Egad! That's
brilliant, brain.

It's 2, 2,
two earths in one.

[Sighs]

Eeee-yooph!

Fire up the kiln,
pinky.

Tonight we cook up
an alter-earth.

Brain:
your mission, pinky,

Is to make
a supply run
to big stuffs,

The local bulk-and-bundle
warehouse.

You are only to purchase
what I have written
on this list.

"Flour, flour,
flour, flour, flour,

"Flour, flour,
flour, flour, flour,

Flour, flour."

Flour?

Flour. And a carton
of tube socks.

What are you going to do
while I'm gone, brain,

Construct a core
from a synthetic magma,

Encase it in a thick
layer of shale

Created by centuries
of sedimentary disuse?

Pinky, where
did you learn that?

Well, that's how they did it
on the wayans bros.

Fasten
your oral cavity.

We have no time for
verbal bric-a-brac.

Hie thee hence

And fetch me fast
my flour.

If I'm not back
in an hour,

I've probably made
another huge mistake.

Ha-ha ha!

[Dial tone]

[Ringing]

Alabama bugle,

Please deliver a subscription
of your fine newspaper

To acme labs.

Thanks...y'all.

Albuquerque times,

Please deliver
a subscription
of your newspaper

To acme labs.
Expeditiously.

Gracias, y'all.

Eehh...

Uhhh!

[Angelic choir sings]

Regis philbin's
I'm only one man.

Ah! "As read by...

Regis philbin"!

[Rings]

Hello.
Zacabimbabwe news?

[Glotalizing
in african dialect]

Y'all.

Hello, brain.

Sorry I'm late.

Yes, pinky,
happy new year.

Did you obtain
my flour?

Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.



And I got somebody
some presents.

A value-pak bottle
of skin stinger,

A vat of tortoise wax,

And an assortment of
magnified reading glasses.

Yay!

Wooo...

Boo.

Ehh!

Ha-ha ha ha!

[Horn honks]

Ah, my newspapers.

While you
were frivolously
spending my funds,

I ordered
every periodical
on the planet.

Pinky, fetch me
my papers.

Ha-ha ha!
Heh heh heh heh!

Whoa-ooph! Wow!

Narf.

Whaaah!

Yes.

Today, a recycling problem.

Tomorrow, the world.

This is an historic
day, pinky.

Because we haven't
failed yet, brain?

Yes,
but besides that.

Now quiet.
I'm ruminating.

This is where
we shall build
our earthly decoy.

First we will
rip the paper up.

Then we shall dip it
in this goopy
flour-water chowder.

Would that be
the new england
or the manhattan?

Pinky, simon says
go like this...

When the paper
is wet,

We shall layer it
in the shape
of mother earth.

Lest you forget,
pinky--

Round.

[Muffled] mm-hmm,
mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Let the ripping
and dipping begin.

[Muffled]
mm-mm.

Simon says.

Yes!

There you are,
happy little planet.

Happy laboratory.

Happy sign.

Happy little
deoxyribonucleic acids.

Pinky, where
on alter-earth are you?

Pinky: um,
I'm in ylati.

Oh. Sorry, brain.

I was reading
upside down.

I mean, um, italy.

Stay where you are,
pinky.

You might make a wrong turn
at ouagadougou

And end up
in addis ababa.

Pinky, I'm a stone's throw
away from the vatican.
Where are you?

In here, brain:
the sixteen chapel.

This from a mouse

Who thinks a fresco
is a can of carbonated soda.

Well, what do
you think, brain?

Hmm.

Remind me.

What were your other
artistic endeavors?

Um, the great cubes
of egypt.

Snake eyes.

I smell jihad.

What else?

Who are they?

They're the founding
fathers, brain--

Beloved tunesmith
neil sedaka,

Actor's actor
nick nolte,

Tv funny man
abe vigoda,

And, of course,
abe lincoln.

Pinky, you are
a fistful of stupidity,

But we can't worry
about that now.

We must implement
phase 2.

While you were building
the 7 blunders
of the world,

I was busy genetically
altering these seeds.

When we mix them into
a flora-paste formula,

The molecular structure
of all things papier

And all things mâché

Will be altered forever.

It will make
our brave new world...

Pinky: like
the 'fraidy-cat old one.

No, pinky, the seeds
not only grow vegetation,

They create mountains,

And they make our buildings
more building-like,

Our deserts
more desert-like,

And our basketball players
more mike-like.

In other words,

Absolutely
indistinguishable
from the real planet.

Brilliant, brain.
What do you call it?

I call it chia earth.

Oh. Trademark?

Yes, pinky, trademark.

[Panting]

Egad. What
a long night,
brain.

Do we get
to rest now?

Not yet, pinky.

It's time to implement
phase 3.

There is
a mysterious power

That no human
can resist, pinky,

A thing so great

That the strongest
of souls

Bend and surrender
to it instantly.

[Gasps]

You mean...

The ark
of the covenant?

No, pinky.

The most tremendous force
in the cosmos--

Oh, brain.
That's even nicer

Than the one you
brought me back
from dollywood.

Here. Put this on.

Oh, thank you, brain.

Let us begin.

Humanity will come
running to chia earth

For their free
t-shirts,

Leaving earth vacant
for my conquest.

[Flies buzzing]

Hey! Did you
hear the news?

Like, gosh, they have
free t-shirts.

All: free t-shirts?!

Gee, brain, you
think they'll come?

All: buy! Sell!

Huh?

Free t-shirts?!

Oh, yes, pinky,
they'll come.

[Shouting in chinese]

Perhaps no one
heard me say--

[Ground shaking]

[Indistinct talking]

Free t-shirts.

Uh!

We did it, brain.

Planet earth
belongs to us.

Now, to send
stepmother earth

Into orbit.

[Both grunting]

[Panting]

Very well,

But don't expect me
to be neighborly.

Behold, pinky,
our new domain

Where we shall
be the masters
of our own destiny.

From this day forward,

Our lives shall be filled
with vim, vigor,

And verisimilitude,

Lording over
every living creature

With fists of fury.

We shall no longer call
this planet earth, pinky.

When was it called
"earth pinky"?

From this day forth,

It shall be known
as...brainus.

[Playing happy music]

All right. Now
let's try this
one more time,

And let's try
to get it straight.

♪ Miss mary mack,
mack, mack, ♪

♪ All dressed in black.
Black, black ♪

And, uh,
the number one reason

Chia earth is better
than the old earth...

Ha ha!

Free t-shirts.

[Glass shatters]

[Cheering]

Hey, uh,
brother gingrich,

Would you, uh,
care to dance?

Brother clinton,
I thought you'd
never ask.

Hey! Whoa!
Whoa! Hey!

Yeah! Go, go!
Go, go! Yeah!

[Feedback]

Citizens of brainus,

Today is the start
of a new era,

An era without crime,

An era without taxes,

An era without
quentin tarantino.

Whoo!

Fjord!

Troz!

Why are you
so far away, pinky?

I got here late

And couldn't get
a better seat.

Well, move closer, pinky.

I'm lonely.

Ah! He's talking to me.

Lord brain
is talking to me!

Oof!

For the last time,
pinky,

There is no such word
as "chramecirum."

Well, there is now,
brain,

Because we own
the world!

Ha-ha ha ha!

You know what,

Let me just play
against myself
for a while.

Why not go back
to the amy carter
tree house

And amuse yourself
with her oscillating fan?

All righty, brain.

Poit!

"Chramecirums."

Now that's a word

And a triple word score
to boot.

Boingy! Boingy!
Boingy! Boingy!

Pinky, that's
a brilliant idea.

Let's draft some
bureaucratic legislation,

Then veto it,

Creating massive
governmental gridlock.

Oh, that sounds
like fun, brain.

Then maybe we can
fill our trousers
with marshmallow fluff

And parade around
to the music of xuxa.

Brain:
now to find a place

To unleash
my fearsome anguish.

♪ King vitamin

♪ Have breakfast
with the king ♪

♪ King vitamin

It's going to be
a long dictatorship.

This world tour
is getting to me.

Let's go, pinky.

That beef brahouna
is making me uneasy.

Oh, one second,
brain.

What do you
think?

Does it make me
look chunky?

This is
getting so sad.

♪ Yeah yeah

♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪

Hurrah!
My monarchy
is monotony.

I almost wish...

I-i had a dream
last night.

Oh? About what, brain?

There's
this huge meteor

Headed straight
toward us.

Egad, brain.

Happy bob the painter
must have had
the same dream,

Because--[gasps]

There's a huge meteor
headed straight for us!

How utterly ironic.

Run, pinky! Run!

Pinky.

[Both coughing]

What do we
do now, brain?

The same thing we do
every night, pinky:

Try to take over
chia world.

♪ They're dinky ♪

♪ They're pinky
and the brain ♪

♪ Brain, brain, brain

♪ Brain, brain,
brain, brain ♪

♪ Brain, brain,
brain, brain ♪

♪ Brain, brain, brain,
brain, brain ♪