03x04 - Brain's Bogie/Say What, Earth?

[bunniefuu]

Gee, Brain, what do you
want to do tonight?

Same thing we do
every night, Pinky.

Try to take over the world.

♪ They're Pinky
and the Brain ♪

♪ Yes, Pinky
and the Brain ♪

♪ One is a genius ♪

♪ The other's insane ♪

♪ They're
laboratory mice ♪

♪ Their genes
have been spliced ♪

♪ They're dinky ♪

♪ They're Pinky
and the Brain ♪

♪ Brain, brain, brain ♪

♪ Brain, brain, brain,
brain, brain ♪

♪ Before each night
is done ♪

♪ Their plan
will be unfurled ♪

♪ By the dawning
of the sun ♪

♪ They'll take over
the world ♪

♪ They're Pinky
and the Brain ♪

♪ Yes, Pinky
and the Brain ♪

♪ Their twilight campaign ♪

♪ Is easy to explain ♪

♪ To prove
their mousy worth ♪

♪ They'll overthrow
the Earth ♪

♪ They're dinky ♪

♪ They're Pinky
and the Brain ♪

♪ Brain, brain, brain ♪

♪ Brain, brain, brain, brain. ♪

[Pinky]
Narf!

Come quickly, Pinky.

We must begin lesson four
of Hooked on Dutch.

[Pinky] Uh, in a minute, Brain.

If we do not gain a fluent
command of the language,

we will never be able to assume control
of the wooden shoe industry,

and my plan of hypnotic
clogging will almost surely fail.

Pinky, we don't have time to...

By the flaming ham of Xerxes!

Pinky?

Aah!

Do you like all my Cher ware, Brain?
Ha ha.

Pinky, cease this talk of Cher.

[gasps]
Please, Brain.

Not in front of the can smasher.

Pinky, do you know
what obsession is?

A Calvin Klein marketing scam?

Well, yes.

However, I am referring

to an unnatural fixation
with a singular goal...

something we have no time for
in our quest to take over the world.

Oh, I love it
when you're ironic, Brain.

Eeee! Oooh!

Hooked on Dutch, lesson four.

Repeat after me.

Were his het gouda?

Where is the cheese?

Gouda met de muisjes.

The cheese is with the mice.

You can't go wrong when you buy
the Cher home tattoo kit.

Have the name of a loved one
indelibly etched into your skin

in the comfort of your own home.

Truly nothing says,
"you're mine" more than...

"You're mine."

Take a look at
where I put "Ed Koch."

[zipper unzips]

- Ew...
- Ew...

Pinky, you recorded
over the lesson tape!

Now I... wait a minute.

What is it, Brain?

Call it a harbinger
of the apocalypse,

but I have come up with
a world domination plan

inspired by Cher.

Oh, Brain!

You mean we're going to be married
to Gregg Allman

for three weeks?

No, Pinky,
something far less painful.

I shall simply tattoo
the words "property of Brain"

on a discreet area of the Earth.

Thus shall it be forever mine.

Let's see,
a gigantic tattoo pen...

I can do that part in my sleep.

We will, however,
require a needle

made of a substance capable of repeatedly
puncturing the Earth's crust.

Say... clam dip?

Funny, I was thinking
of something with less dairy.

A hollow tube made of a titanium
corundum super-alloy

should do the trick.

Where to find such an item?

Where indeed?

Solar panel extension
arm of space shuttle,

or Chico Gonzales' putter?

Brain, I think...

Not now, Pinky,
I'm trying to figure out

how we can dismantle a solar panel


But I don't think
you have to. Look!

"The Chico Gonzales Celebrity Pro-Am
Golf Tournament this Saturday."

Yes!

There's only one way
to describe such a stroke of luck...

Contrived?

Precisely.

I got one right!
Ha ha! Narf!

First, I disguise myself
to enter the tournament.

Can I help you?

I'm here to offer my celebrity status
to your tournament.

I see.
Um, who are you?

Who am I?
Here's a hint.

I was the star
of the movie Moonstruck.

Oh, my gosh!
Olympia Dukakis!

No.
How about, uh...

Sonny and...

Olympia Dukakis?

I am Cher.

Loved by millions
for my couple of talents.

Oh. Well, I'm afraid
we're completely full.

But if anyone falls out,
you're first on our list.

I see.

Uh, say, isn't that
Olympia Dukakis over there?

Where?

Nope. That's
just Michael Douglas.

Now, where did she go?

Yes?

Good afternoon,
Mr. Bellow.

I am Lud Finkel
from the Pulitzer Prize Committee.

But I won the Pulitzer in 1976.

You all just now getting here?

Yes, well, we just
wanted to remind you

that John Updike
has two Pulitzers.

So? Updike's
a two-bit hack!

Thinks he's
Mr. Big sh*t.

Two Pulitzers!
Rabbit this, rabbit that,

blah, blah, blah, blah.

He's writing a new one...
Rabbit swallows his tongue.

Looks like a shoe-in
for a third Pulitzer.

I doubt it!
I'll show 'em.

Updike ain't winning again.

There's a road to the Pulitzer,

and it passes
right through Mr. Saul Bellow!

Ow!

Uh, but what about
the golf tournament?

You're paired with Chico.

Bah!

We're in.

[Announcer]
It's a beautiful day for golf

here at the Chico Gonzales
Celebrity Pro-Am.

A small change
in today's pairings

as novelist Saul bellow
has withdrawn

and has been replaced by
everyone's favorite, Cher.

Let's go over it
one more time, Pinky.

You take care of Chico's caddie
the way we planned.

Right.
Then, on the 18th hole,

I shall slip
Chico's putter to you,

we skedaddle,
and no one's the wiser.

Um, but, Brain,

how am I going to carry
that big bag of clubs?

Simply, Pinky. I have installed
a remote control motor

in that rolling bag caddie.

Brilliant, Brain!

Hi. I'm Chico.

I must say, you look much
different in person.

That's because
I'm actually a lab mouse

bent on taking over the world.

Ooh! [hisses]

Hot and spicy!
I like it.

So, are you ready
to play a round?

Oh, yes.

Ha ha!

Good jeu de mots.

Way to go, Chico!

Psst!

I hear they're casting the caddies
for Happy Gilmore II.

Whoo-wee!
I'm gonna be a movie star!

See ya!

Aah! Oof!

[Whoopi Goldberg]
See, the thing is that it is what it is,

if you know what I mean?

'cause, that's
what I'm saying, you dig? Yeah.

[William Shatner]
It's the fans like you

who make the life
of an actor worthwhile.

That'll be 25 bucks.

[Brain] Fore!

sh**t, sh**t, sh**t!

What, Brain?
Something wrong with the plan?

That last sh*t!

I should have used a 7-iron.

What was I thinking?

Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

Ahh!

Yes! Take that, Chico.

Hoo! Haa! Hoo! Haa!

Aah!

- Ohh!
- Ohh!

[gasps]

[Announcer] Cher and Chico
are locked in a close battle

at five strokes under par,
and, uh...

Ooh! Chico misses the putt.

Psst!
Brain, this is it.

I'll grab the putter,

and we can be tattooing
Antarctica by midnight.

Yes, yes, yes.

Just one more hole,
and I can win this tournament.

I can feel it, Pinky!

But, Brain...

Shh! I'm in a zone.

Time to put baby to bed.

Mwah!

Ah ha ha ha!

Ha ha!

I'm number one!

I'm number one!

I've got it, Brain.
Here's the putter.

Quick, we can make a run for it.

Don't be ridiculous, Pinky.

All I need to do
is sink this putt.

I can taste it, Pinky,
and it is sweet.

Nothing can stop me.

Brain, don't you see
what you're doing?

You're obsessing.

Grrr!

We've been treated to a match
between two titans of the links,

ladies and gentlemen.

And this is what
it all comes down to.

You said it, baby!

If Cher misses this,

it's lights out,
good night, Irene.

Quiet!

Okay.

[Crowd] Ohh!

[Announcer]
It's all over, folks!

Chico wins the pennant!

Chico wins the pennant!

Aah!

Aah... whoa!

Brain, the putter!
The tattoo thingee!

No!
What have I done?

[Whoopi]
Hey, that's not Cher!

That's... that's...

That's Olympia Dukakis.
Get her!

[crowd yelling]

- Aah!
- Aah!

- Aah!
- Aah!

[horn honks]

Steer us back
to the lab, Mr. Pinky.

We must prepare
for tomorrow night.

Why, Brain? What are we going
to do tomorrow night,

dress up like Judy Garland
and race cars with Paul Newman?

Close. We'll try
to take over the world!

♪ They're dinky ♪

♪ They're Pinky
and the Brain ♪

♪ Brain, brain,
brain, brain... ♪

[Pinky] Can I open
my eyes now, Brain?

Oh, please, can I?

Pretty please with sugar on top

and bacon bits
and those fish in the supermarket

with their heads still on,

their eyes staring longingly
at the grocer's dairy case?

Narf!

Very well, Pinky.

You may now behold

the oscillation linguafactor.

With it, I can rule the world.

Oh, it's one of those
world domination dinguses, eh?

Hmm, I was hoping you were
throwing me a surprise party.

You know, funny hats,
noisemakers,

a piñata filled with hot soup.

Ha ha ha! Olé!

If we attached a tube
to the vacuum that is your head,

we could clean the whole city.

Forgive the following
new-age babble,

but every inanimate object

contains its own unique energy,
its very own aura.

The oscillatron linguafactor

will interpret this energy force

and bring said objects to life.

Example...

this ordinary road pylon.

Me pylon.
Orange me I.

Road me guard.

You brought it to life, Brain.

Now let's do me.

I Pinky.
Pinky is me.

Pinky winky link... ow!

Pinching.

Pinching Pinky pain!

Ha ha ha ha!

It only gives a voice,
not intelligence.

Now give me those.

Me Earth.

You've brought
the Earth to life, Brain.

Earth? You speak?

Yes.

Me Earth.

The Earth itself
is speaking to me.

I don't... I don't know what...

My mouth is all dry.

Here water.

Glorious!
You did that for me?

You ask, Earth do.

Me Earth.

Amazing.

The Earth can do
anything I ask it.

Pinky, are you pondering
what I'm pondering?

I think so, Brain.

But calling it
"poo poo" platter?

What were they thinking?

No, Pinky.
Don't you see?

Now I can truly rule the world!

Greetings, future minions.

I, the Brain, literally have
the planet Earth

at my command.

And now every country, city,

and neighborhood in the world

must pledge
their unfaltering allegiance to me

or be faced
with most dire consequences.

Observe.

Now, Pinky.

Um, Mr. Earth,

if you could please
shake your groove thing,

um, Brain would be
most appreciative.

Earth shaking.

See what I mean?

We, the people of New York City,

hereby refuse to submit
to the Brain.

[cheering]

What I really meant
to say was...

hail Brain!

Praise Brain!

We, the people of Golobia,

having nothing else
to do but sweat,

hereby pledge
our allegiance to Mr. Brain!

[cheering]

And while every state,
country, and municipality

have vowed
their servitude to Brain,

only Cuba has failed
to recognize Brain

as their most sovereign leader.

Our strong, independent people
serve only one person...

El Presidente!

[cheering]

[screaming]

Um, what I meant to say is...

we serve only
super intelligent lab mouse

called the Brain.

Yes!

The planet and all
its inhabitants

now belong to me.

[Pinky laughing]
Pinky?

Earth's made me
my very own hot tub.

Oh, but there's always
room for you, Brain.

Please, Pinky. Earth has more
important matters

to attend to.

But Earth no want to work now.

Earth want to play.

Ha ha ha ha!

Ah-choo!

Ah-choo! Ah-choo!

Gesundheit!
Gesundheit! Gesundheit!

[both laughing]

There isn't any time for games.

And just to remind
you two of this,

I'm afraid the Earth
will be disconnected for a while.

No!

Brain try to destroy Earth.

Now Earth try to destroy Brain.

[gasps]

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Oh!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Yoo-hoo!
Wait up, Brain.

Where you go, I go.

Overlord Brain,
we've been expecting you.

Hit it, kids.

And now that we've demonstrated
our loyalty toward you, Brain,

how about asking Earth

to do something
about our city's pothole problem,

like filling them all
with solid gold bullion?

No, you don't understand.

The Earth has turned against me.

It's trying to destroy me.

Please, I need your help, I...

Aah!
Whoo hoo!

Run away.
Ha ha!

Pinky, we can't outrun
the Earth.

We shall have to outsmart it.

[gasps]
Our Halloween costumes.

♪ Trick or treat,
smell my feet ♪

♪ Give me something
to good to... ♪

Pinky, you must pretend to be me

and divert Earth's attention

while I figure a way
out of this.

Oh, I love role-playing therapy.

Blah blah blah.
Take over the world.

Yes!

Divided by the cosine...

Blah blah blah. Big words.

Blah blah blah.
Pondering, pondering.

Yes! I'm good.

Blah blah.
You can't catch me, Earth.

Me and my chubby
blah blah head. Ha ha!

[quietly]
Good news, Pinky.

My genius has created
a solution to this dilemma.

You mean?

Yes, Pinky.

In order to escape the Earth,

I will have to live
in outer space.

What Pinky say?

Uh, nothing, Earth.

Just the usual.

Narf! Poit! Zort!

Boink.

Boink?
Pinky no say "Boink."

- Aah!
- Aah!

Brain try to trick Earth.

Now Earth will destroy him.

[grunting]

Oh, sweet irony.

k*lled by the thing
I love the most, the Earth.

k*lled?

I'm tired of fighting,
old friend.

Good-bye.
[spluttering]

No. No, Earth.

You can't k*ll the Brain.

That's not your way.

You create beaches and daffodils

and amber waves
of skunk cabbage.

You can't k*ll someone.

You can't!

[sobbing]

Oh, sorry, Earth.

No. Pinky right.

Earth not like this.

Earth not bad.

Ptooey!
Aah!

Earth want consciousness
no more.

Ptooey!

- Aah!
- Aah!

Earth want to go back
to way it was.

Help me, Pinky.

I'll miss you, Earth.

Don't worry, friend Pinky.

Earth always be around.

Uh?

He's gone, Pinky.

Now please get this
accursed contraption

out of my sight.

The Earth was correct.

There are some things

that even the mighty Brain
mustn't tamper with.

And one of them
is the course of nature.

You know, I'm reminded
of an ancient parable.

I think Euripides
said it best when...

[boom]

Pinky!

Well, you said
to get the whatchamacallit

out of your sight.

And what better way

than sending it far, far away?

But, Pinky,
don't you realize what this...

[boom]

Me moon.

What are we
going to do now, Brain?

There's only one thing
we can do, Pinky...

Try to take over the moon!

♪ They're dinky ♪

♪ They're Pinky
and the Brain ♪

♪ Brain, brain,
brain, brain. ♪

[music playing]