03x16 - Brain's Way

[bunniefuu]

Gee, Brain,

what do you want to do tonight?

The same thing
we do every night, Pinky,

try to take over the world.

♪ They're Pinky
And the Brain ♪

♪ Yes, Pinky and the Brain ♪

♪ One is a genius ♪

♪ The other's insane ♪

♪ They're laboratory mice ♪

♪ Their genes have been spliced ♪

♪ They're dinky ♪

♪ They're Pinky and the Brain ♪

♪ Brain, Brain, Brain ♪

♪ Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain ♪

♪ Before each night is done ♪

♪ Their plan will be unfurled ♪

♪ By the dawning of the sun ♪

♪ They'll take over the world ♪

♪ They're Pinky and the Brain ♪

♪ Yes, Pinky and the Brain ♪

♪ Their twilight campaign ♪

♪ Is easy to explain ♪

♪ To prove their mousey worth ♪

♪ They'll overthrow the Earth ♪

♪ They're dinky ♪

♪ They're Pinky and the Brain ♪

♪ Brain, Brain, Brain ♪

♪ Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain ♪

Narf!

♪ Hey, drive with me ♪

♪ Let's drive, let's drive today ♪

♪ Get in my car, and we'll travel far ♪

♪ Stop for lunch, and you can pay ♪

♪ We'll watch out
For old ladies and dogs ♪

♪ Who stray ♪

♪ Hey, drive with me ♪

♪ Let's drive, let's drive today ♪

Put it in gear, Jack.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Hoo hoo hoo! Encore! Encore!

Pinky.

Uh...

Why, I was, uh, just, uh...

How long have you been listening?

Oh... Oh, since the first song
on the album, Brain.

Uh, what was it? Um...
"Bring on the Mimes"?

"Send in the Clowns".

Egad! How will they all
fit in the cage? Ha ha!

Well, believe it or not,
my little impromptu concert

is actually part of tonight's plan.

I was merely using the captivating
melodies of the great Fred Spinatra,

Otherwise known as
the chairman of the boardroom,

to test my latest invention...

Brainophonic sound.

We shall place a pair

of gigantic stereo speakers

on the north and south poles of the Earth.

Narf!

Zort! Then the whole world
can hear you sing!

♪ Hey, drive with me ♪

♪ With me, me, me... ♪

Uhh! Yeee!

You are desecrating
a work of art, Pinky.

Poit! Sorry.

How does it go again?

I don't remember.

Oh, yes, you do, Brain.

Sing it for me. Please?

Pinky, I don't sing.

Well, that is, I don't sing very well.

Though, I'll admit,

I have a certain flair for phrasing.

But believe it or not, there is a sound

even more grating on the nerves
than my feeble warbling.

[water dripping]

Brain. Do you hear that?

[drip]

[drip]

Wh... Where's it comin' from?

- Drip.
- [drip]

- [drip]
- Aah!

Drip!

Aah! Uhh!

Yes! Operation Water t*rture
works as planned.

Once our speakers are in place,

we shall broadcast
the incessant sound

of a dripping faucet across the globe.

Unable to comprehend
the source of the sound,

the populace will be driven
temporarily mad...

and we shall seize the planet!

And then will you sing?

I don't sing.

Now pack, Pinky.

To obtain the $83 billion necessary
to finance the speakers,

we must head to a place where
overweight, middle-aged people go

to party and throw away money.

Capitol Hill?

No. Las Vegas, Nevada,

where we shall build Brain's Palace,

a hotel/casino of epic proportions.

There, free-spending crowds
will squander their savings

and unwittingly finance our plan.

And they'll get to hear you sing.

How many times do I have to tell you?

I don't sing. I won't sing.

Oh. Okay. Let's go then.

Well, if you're going to beg me...

♪ Hey, drive with me ♪

♪ Let's drive, let's drive today ♪

Welcome to Brain's Palace.

Ooh!

Lovely.

Very impressive.

When completed, it will be the greatest
showplace yet built by mouse...

Er, man.

How much are you
looking to borrow?

Well, the casino will more than pay
for itself once it's open.

All we need is six million
in seed money.

Zort! If we build it out of seeds,
won't the birds eat it?

Mmmph! Oof!

What kind of collateral do you have?

Why, my word of honor.

What else could you possibly need?

- Waaaa!
- Waaaa!

Ooh!

If at first you don't succeed,

Pinky... Oof!

Cry, cry again.

[man laughing]

- Yaaa!
- Yaaa!

- Ung!
- Unh!

What happens
if at last you don't succeed, Brain?

We see a chiropractor.

Well, you have come
to the right place, little man.

Pay me back, or I'll cr*ck your back!

That's my motto.
Ho ho ho ho ho!

A little moneylender joke.

Ah, ha ha ha ha ha ha!

She's funny, Brain.

Hoo hoo. Narf!

Hilarious.

I started with one
Arthur Godfrey collector's plate.

Now I have all this.

[Brain] Lucky you.

Yes, and that's why
I consider it my duty

to make dreams come true
for young people such as yourself...

and make a considerable
profit, of course.

Of course.

Now, we'll want
big name entertainment in your casino.

And you shall have it.

All of 1962's now sounds.

Just imagine this marquee lit up
with the likes of Martin and Lewis.

Or Lewis and Lambchop!

And, uh, I have collateral.

The deed to Acme Labs,

the finest research facility
in the country.

Oh, Brain, um, do you think
you should do that?

It's the only way, Pinky.

Besides, our casino
will be such a success,

we'll never lose the lab.

Oh, thank you!

Confidentially, I would have accepted
your word of honor.

Just be sure to pay me back,

otherwise my grandchildren
will be very unhappy.

Ho ho ho ho ho ho!

Ha ha ha ha.

Well, we wouldn't want
to make the little tykes cry.

Oh, they won't cry,

but you might.

- Grrr...
- Grrr...

- [gulp]
- [gulp]

[Brain] No, no, no!

Am I the only one in this desert

who knows the difference
between Italian marble and terrazzo?

Uhh... yeah!

Rip it out! Replace it!

What kind of games
are we gonna have in the casino, Brain?

Why, baccarat, of course.

Burt Baccarat?

No, Pinky. Baccarat,
the thinking person's game.

Nothing but the finest
for Brain's Palace.

This will be the world's first
all-baccarat casino!

How do you play it?

Well, you, uh, have cards,

and then there's a guy
who speaks French...

with a shoe thing and, uh, cards.

It's like chemin de fer!

Mm-hmm. You have no idea, do you?

What is this?

Pine?! You're making
these walls out of pine?!

I will accept nothing less
than mahogany.

There is no substitute
for Diana Ross! Narf!

You want mahogany inside the walls?

Brain's Palace must stand
as a monument for generations to come.

Only the best will do.

Start over!
And do it right this time.

Okay, fellas, you heard
the little emperor.

Tear it down again.

Troz! Um, aren't we spending
an awful lot of money, Brain?

Don't bother me now, Pinky.
I'm fuming.

Uh, Brain?

I said not now, Pinky.

'Kay.

♪ What's up, puppy dog? ♪

♪ Ow, wow-wow, wow, wo ♪

♪ Puppy dog, puppy dog
Cockapoo ♪

♪ Please don't chew on my shoe ♪

[Brain] Enough!

So, when do I start?

As soon as your talent
catches up with your chest hair.

♪ Gesundheit
Honey gesundheit ♪

♪ How I loved ♪

♪ When you sneezed last night ♪

Ah... Ah-choo!

Catchy little tune, isn't it, Brain?

Cold and flu season is over.

Danke schoen and good-bye.

Danke schoen?

Hmm...

Why can't we find anyone
talented to perform

at the biggest resort/hotel/casino
in the history of Vegas?

Maybe it's because we spent
all the money/cash/moola

on solid gold ice buckets
and handwoven Turkish bathroom tissue.

We could always melt down
those Lucite toilet seats you insisted on

and get the silver dollars
out of them.

No, Pinky. They've already been
sanitized for your protection.

We'll never find a decent headliner
who's willing to work for peanuts.

Poit! I know someone
who'd work for food pellets.

Yes, I'm sure they're
tremendously talented.

Oh, I think you're
very talented, Brain.

You've got the goods, Jack!

Ha ha ha ha!

Me? Why, I couldn't.

I've never sung for an audience.

Then again, it is all in the phrasing.

Oh, that's absurd!

A casino headlined
by its own chairman.

Yoo-hoo, boys!

I just thought you two
nice young fellows would be hungry,

so I baked some
fresh oatmeal cookies.

Oh, joy!

Mmm, yummy!

I put them on my Durwood Kirby
collector's plate for good luck.

Oh, that reminds me.

You promised big name
entertainment, little man,

but I see no big names
on the big marquee.

That's because it's, uh,
a big surprise.

Surprises can be very aggravating
for people my age.

Now, be a sweet boy and tell me
who the headliner will be.

Unh... I can't.

The way things are going,

it'll probably be our chair man.

Ha ha ha! Narf!

Oh! The chairman?

Oh! Old brown eyes?

Oh! Mr. Fred Spinatra?

- All right!
- All right!

[second thug]
This is great!

I can't wait to tell my friends
in the Burt Mustin Fan Club

that the chairman is playing here!

Ptoo, ptoo, ptoo.

Brain, what'll we do?

Where will we find a man
made out of a chair who can sing?

No, Pinky. They're
expecting Fred Spinatra,

and we can't deliver.

Oh, poor Bernice.
She'll be heartbroken.

And we'll be back-broken.

Unless... Pinky, are you pondering
what I'm pondering?

Well, I think so, Brain.

But how will we get three pink flamingos
into one pair of Capri pants?

No, Pinky.

When your back's against the wall
and the chips are down,

you've got to grab
the brass ring, my friend.

Since we cannot afford
the great Fred Spinatra,

another chairman will
have to take his place.

Jack.

[Pinky blows into microphone]

[Pinky] Ahem.

[Pinky] Good evening, ladies and germs!

Zort!

Without further ado-do,

give it up for my close
personal friend,

a performer who's bound
to take over the world by storm...

Brain... natra!

Who? What?
Brainatra?

[all jeering]

[crowd chanting] We want Fred!

Hello, young lovers.
Welcome to Brain's Palace.

My first song is about
a certain type of mouse.

He's a fighter.

A mouse who, just when you think
he's down for the count,

dares to get back up
and fight for his dream!

Because in this crazy, koo koo,
knocked out, groovy, nutty,

mixed-up world, my friends,

your dreams are all you have got.

♪ Yes, plans, I've made a few ♪

♪ But I'm not through ♪

♪ I am tenacious ♪

♪ I'll do what I must do ♪

♪ To take the world
But I'll be gracious ♪

♪ My plan will soon unfurl ♪

♪ And I won't fail ♪

♪ Citizen Kane's way, and, oh ♪

♪ One thing is clear
You'll do it Brain's way ♪

♪ In time, you're going to bow ♪

♪ And then you'll kneel
Right here before me ♪

♪ I am not a sacred cow ♪

♪ You will avow
And you'll adore me ♪

♪ It is my destiny
To lead you now ♪

♪ Not in Mark Twain's day, and, oh ♪

♪ One thing is clear
You'll do it Brain's way ♪

♪ I'm not just a mouse ♪

♪ No, I am not ♪

♪ Nor am I some evil despot ♪

♪ I'm going to rule, that is my fate ♪

♪ I'll be the supreme
High potentate ♪

♪ No need to fear, my will is clear ♪

♪ You'll do it Brain's way, yes! ♪

[man clapping]

You have moved me, Jack.

It's Fred Spinatra!

He likes it!

I hereby ordain you
the latest thing, my friend.

Koo koo, Daddy-o.

Now, that's amore.

I know that dude!

[crowd cheering]

That was beautiful, man.

♪ I'll tie the world up in rope ♪

♪ Stick it in a closet ♪

♪ Slide some food under the door ♪

♪ What a plan, what a planet ♪

♪ I'm in charge ♪

♪ I'll fill the oceans with soap ♪

♪ Watch the tides deposit
Bubbles all over the shore ♪

♪ What a mouse, what a monarch ♪

♪ I'm in charge ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ What could make
A brave little mouse ♪

♪ Think he'll live
Inside the White House? ♪

♪ You'll never hear
That mouse grouse ♪

♪ He's not wearing no blouse
But he has ♪

♪ Big dreams
He has big dreams ♪

♪ He has angel food cake
In the lake schemes ♪

♪ So if you want to dominate
Don't be second rate ♪

♪ Just remember that mouse ♪

[kids] ♪ Ooh, hey, wow
The mouse is in the White House ♪

[Brain] ♪ Ooh, hey, wow
That mouse is in the White House ♪

♪ Ooh, hey, wow, the mouse
Is in the White House ♪

♪ White House ♪

♪ These fins
Are built for swimmin' ♪

♪ That's what they're gonna do ♪

♪ Stay out of the pool ♪

♪ Or else these fins
Will splash in front of you ♪

Okay, fins! Start flippin'!

[snoring]

It's impossible! How can
the casino be empty?

I'm doing three sold-out shows a night.

That's how!

All baccarat all the time!

Baccarat is the thinking
person's game.

But no one knows how to play it.

Oh, you play it with a shoe
and a Frenchman.

Er, I can't be bothered
with trivialities.

I'm a big star.

If you people can't
appreciate baccarat,

put in some new games for all I care.

So then Ernie Borgnine says to me,

"What are you, a man or a mouse?"

And I said, "What do I look like,
my friend? I am a mouse."

Hey! We got a mouse in the pack.

The mouse pack.

Oh, ain't that a kick in the head?

The love in this room...

Dig it.

You are koo koo.

Narf poit, man!

I'm hep, Daddy-o.

Zort, baby!

Hey, Granny wants to see you.

Tell Granny I'm busy.

Ughh!

[excited chattering]

What is your name?

Uh, Stan?

That's right! You win!

Oh! Wow! We won!

Everybody's winning.

Yes! And isn't it wonderful?!

You said to put in games
people like to play,

so that's what I did. Heh. Narf!

Unfortunately, we're going bankrupt.

We're going to have to foreclose.

You can't foreclose on me.

My show still packs them in.

[Pinky] Please welcome, Brain... natra!

Hello, young lovers.

Welcome to...

Pinky, where is everyone?

Um, well, they went over
to the Purple Pelican with Spinatra

to see that Dwayne Fignewton fellow.

His "Danke Schoen" song
is the new latest thing.

But Dino, Sammy, Fred,
they're my friends.

Ah, yes, well, Fred said
to give you a message.

Um, what was it now?

Oh, yes.
"I hereby ordain you passé, baby."

Fame is a fickle mistress.

Poit. Does this mean
we'll lose the hotel/casino?

Yes, Pinky. Come.

We'd better go back to the lab
and prepare for tomorrow night.

Why, Brain? What are
we going to do tomorrow night?

Are you going to sing a song?

Yes, my friend. I'll sing a song

about that long and winding road,

about the plans that failed

and the dreams that flew the coop.

Not so fast, little man.

What do you want from me?
Brain's Palace is yours.

So is Acme Labs.

♪ I did it Brain's way
Cha-cha-cha ♪

Good night, everyone.

Don't forget to stop by the gift shop

for your Brainatra collector's plates.

Encore! [whistles]

Narf! Sing it one more time, baby!

No, Pinky, you'll have to wait
till tomorrow night.

Why, what are we going
to do tomorrow night?

The same thing we do
every night, Pinky.

[sighs]

Sing that stupid song
another 50 times

until we can buy back the lab.

[chorus] ♪ He did it Brain's way ♪

♪ Way, way, way, cha-cha-cha ♪

[♪♪♪]