03x20 - But That's Not All, Folks!

[bunniefuu]

[Pinky] Gee, Brain,

what do you want to do tonight?

The same thing
we do every night, Pinky,

try to take over the world.

♪ They're Pinky and the Brain ♪

♪ Yes, Pinky and the Brain ♪

♪ One is a genius ♪

♪ The other's insane ♪

♪ They're laboratory mice ♪

♪ Their genes have been spliced ♪

♪ They're dinky ♪

♪ They're Pinky and the Brain ♪

♪ Brain, Brain, Brain ♪

♪ Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain ♪

♪ Before each night is done ♪

♪ Their plan will be unfurled ♪

♪ By the dawning of the sun ♪

♪ They'll take over the world ♪

♪ They're Pinky and the Brain ♪

♪ Yes, Pinky and the Brain ♪

♪ Their twilight campaign ♪

♪ Is easy to explain ♪

♪ To prove their mousy worth ♪

♪ They'll overthrow the Earth ♪

♪ They're dinky ♪

♪ They're Pinky and the Brain ♪

♪ Brain, Brain, Brain ♪

♪ Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain ♪

[Pinky] Narf!

[Brain] 'The following
is a paid advertisement.'

Are you tired?

Are you losing your hair?

Do your thighs go
thubba-thubba when you walk?

Do you need bigger teeth?

Is the hood of your car on fire? Zort!

Are you fresh out of dried fruit?

Then don't touch that dial,
my friends.

Prepare yourselves
for the most important

half hour in broadcast history.

And that includes last week's tender

and poignant episode of "Sister Sister."

But wait! There's more.

Quickly! Come with me.

You are about to be introduced

to the most amazing product
of all time,

a product so revolutionary

that I can't even tell you what it is.

It's new! It's fresh!

It's lemon-scented... Zort! It's...

It's a clock radio?

[chuckles]
No, my friend,

this digimatic countdown clock

is merely here to remind us

that in just 24 minutes from right now

you, our viewers,
will be introduced to a product

that will change your lives forever!

Doris, Channel 36.

A man with a large head
is selling something.

[Doris speaking indistinctly]

I don't know what it is

but he says it will change
our lives forever.

[Brain on TV]
'And that's not all.'

And that's not all.

Psst! Brain?

The numbers are running backwards.

Oh, no, how will those
poor little numbers

be able to see where they're going?

In just 23 minutes and 32 seconds,

when the numbers match
my partner's IQ,

we shall unveil
our astonishing product.

Remember, it hardens abs.

Has that handy, no-drip spout.

Loosens rust.

Tastes great in salads.

Stops flaking.

- Lightens liver spots.
- Whitens teeth.

- Protects your car's finish.
- Slices cheese.

And puts a shine on your shoes

as well as your face.

Yes, it gets those stubborn

tough-to-reach hidden corners.

Fits into most kitchen cupboards.

- Never fades.
- Removes gum from hair.

Slims thighs.

Needs no refrigeration.

Trims sideburns.

Sports our easy-open, childproof top.

Always sparkles.

And is available
in 12 yummy kid-friendly flavors!

But don't take our word for it.

Our hypnotic jingle says it all.

Pinky...

♪ It's lots of fun ♪

♪ Everybody shout ♪

♪ Gotta have one don't miss out ♪

[Pinky] ♪ One little spray
Gives you that glimmer ♪

[Brain] ♪ Use it each day
You're sure to be slimmer ♪

[both] ♪ Go ahead and try it
But heed our warning ♪

♪ If you don't buy it
You'll hate yourself ♪

♪ In the morning ♪

[Brain]
And now...

we proudly present

the "My, What an
Incredible Product" dancers.

[instrumental theme music playing]

Pinky, tonight's plan will unfold

in less than one half hour.

It unfolds, too! Narf!

And slides right under the bed.

- Huy-nggh!
- Shh!

We're not on TV now, Pinky.

We were on TV?

I hate to disturb
your lifelong mental nap,

but if you'll notice,
those wires I've hooked up

to the lab surveillance camera

run to a powerful 40-megawatt uplink,

which I have built from
common household tinfoil,

a standard wire coat hanger,
a number three salad fork

and that big pie plate
from last Thanksgiving.

With which I have located
and stealthily tapped

into an abandoned CM-2000 satellite

orbiting our globe.

[Pinky gasps] Does this mean

we'll finally get the Family Channel?

They rerun that show I like,
you know, um,

with Buffy and Jody and Cissy.

Oh, what's it called?

This idle transmitter was yesterday

but a floating piece of space flotsam.

But now it is a workhorse

broadcasting my infomercial

to every man, woman, and child

reaching the Earth's
entire population as we speak.

- Here it is. "Family Affair!"
- Yes! Oof!

Poit. Sorry, Brain.

Try to pay attention, Pinky.

I've compiled the ultimate list

of advertising phrases.

No one viewing this infomercial

will be able to resist
making a purchase.

And once they've ordered our product,

I'll be just a short step away

from taking over the world!

Ooh! How exciting, Brain!

Oh, but now, wait. Um...

Just what exactly
is the thing that we're selling?

[instrumental theme music playing]

[Brain] No time for that now, Pinky.

The song is almost over.

It is time to create a buying frenzy

with stilted, yet sincere,
consumer testimonials.

[Pinky] And now a brief word

from satisfied customer

Police Chief Orrin Hauser.

We were having a rash of car thefts

so we decided to give this
incredible product a try.

And after only one week

the rash was gone.

No more itching or scratching

except when we wanted to.

[fanfare music plays]

I used to have a large nose
and a small mole.

Then I made the purchase
of a lifetime.

As you can see,
I still have a large nose

but the small mole moved on
to my neighbor's garden.

My name, Dr. Peter Patterson.

Consider the story
of Patrick Pickerweed

who was a tremendous 654 pounds.

Mr. Pickerweed placed his order
and in just one week...

It arrived in the mail.

Never has the postal system
moved so efficiently.

- Narf!
- Yes, but, uh...

after just one more week

Mr. Pickerweed is now
a svelte 157 pounds.

[Pinky] When he's wet!

But that's not all!

[man 1] Sir, we have extreme activity

with Dummy Station CM-2000.

It appears
that some t*rror1st group

has fallen
for that abandoned satellite

we put up as bait.

Oh, yeah, that's-that's fine,
Corporal. Carry on.

They're transmitting some sort of signal

all across the globe, sir,

but I can't seem to pick it up

on any of the m*llitary frequencies.

Sir?

Huh? What?

I said carry on, Corporal.

I can't be disturbed right now.

I'm in the middle of some, uh,

important, um, uh...

requisitioning.

But, sir, this may be a code red!

What should I do
when I trace the source

of the transmission?

What? Ahem.

- And you can wipe it clean.
- Wipe it clean.

Uh, wipe it clean off
the face of the planet!

Yes, sir!

Now... let me get back
to the important stuff.

♪ Think better
Than any human should ♪

♪ Buy one or many ♪

♪ And change your life for good ♪

Narf!

[Brain] You may already have

many of these familiar
household supplies.

Our product
makes them all obsolete.

[laughing]

Whee! Narf!

Plus, it'll pick up
this hard-to-clean mess.

Yeesh!

I am a careful shopper.

I have comparison-shopped
at all the major discount chains

and bait-and-tackle outlets.

Something that does all of this

must be a real budget-buster!

Careful comparison-shopper,

how much would you expect to pay

for a product that does all this?

Um... a thousand dollars?

Not while I can tear up an invoice.

"99.95"?

Ha ha ha!

I'll stand on my head
before I'll charge that much.

A whole wagon load of nickels?

Not even.

But, Brain, that's all I've got.

- Arrgh!
- Ow!

Ha ha.

Then you can use your leftover money

to buy a lovely new wardrobe.

Because right here, right now

we are offering
this miracle product, today only,

for only, only, only $12.95!

[gasps]

In 24 easy payments

with no money down

and nothing due
until September of 2014.

Only 14 minutes left.

Don't touch that remote control!

Doris, are you watching this?

[Doris speaking indistinctly]

Yes, for $12.95, it's irresistible.

Honey, get in here!

This thing is irresistible!

Hi there, my name is Jill

and I'm standing by
to take your phone order.

In just a minute, we'll be giving out

that most important number.

So be sure to have
something to write with.

This is irresistible.

I need a pen.

These t*rrorists are pretty clever, sir.

I still can't decode their signal

but they're uploading it
to the satellite with...

w-w-what looks like
a standard wire coat hanger

a number three salad fork
and a big pie plate.

What should we do, sir?

Just handle it, Corporal.

I'm waiting
for an important phone number.

Uh... perhaps

your requisitioning
can wait, sir?

Now that's just what
the t*rrorists want, Corporal.

To interfere with peaceful trade

in a thriving consumer economy
like ours!

Are you on the side
of the t*rrorists, Corporal?

- No, sir.
- Then just handle it.

[man] Arming response missiles, sir.

And remember, there's only
one genuine original

with our name on it.

Accept no imitations.

Can you accept an imitation

to your best friend's birthday party?

[Brain] Whoa!

But wait, there's more!

[laughs]
Ooh, I love saying that part.

[blowing party whistle]

Standby for that
most important phone number.

[instrumental flourish plays]

Hurry, Pinky,
we must set the computer

to start receiving calls.

[music box chiming]

And now, back by popular demand,

the "My, What an Incredible
Product" dancers!

[Brain] We will soon be deluged

with telephone orders.

Oh? What will the telephones
order us to do, Brain?

Nothing, Pinky.

For instead, telephones
shall do our bidding!

Using my own modification
of caller ID technology,

I have set up this massive computer

to automatically answer the phone

and store each caller's
personal specifics.

To keep the computer
from overheating,

I've hooked up an elaborate


water-cooling system.

It's all extremely safe
and environmentally friendly.

Just like our product!

Whatever that is.

But the important puzzle piece

of this plan, Pinky,

is to get everyone's address.

[Brain] The world's
most complete mailing list.

Because everyone in the world
will be on it.

Then we shall overload
the global postal system,

choking every single
PO Box and mail slot

with gross amounts
of unwanted junk mail!

The nuisance of it all

will surely drive everyone mad!

But I shall be the savior.

Put me in charge of your world

and I promise to remove
each and everyone's name

from all junk mail lists!

[crowd cheering]

Jumping at the opportunity,

people will only realize too late

that I am their new ever-powerful

and unimpeachable ruler!

You-you know, Brain,
I never get any mail.

Pinky, you are a laboratory mouse.

In addition, you cannot spell
the word "cat."

Who would wish
to correspond with you?

Hmm...

Someone who promises

to never use the word "cat"?

Excuse me, Pinky,
but the dance is almost over

and I must continue my conversation

with intelligent life.

But, Brain, wait! Narf!

Uh, you haven't told me
what we're selling.

Now, friends, it is time
to give out our number.



- Oof!
- Call now!

That number again



Hang up, Doris.
I have got to order this thing.

I'm gonna order four!
It's irresistible!

[British man] Hello. I'd like
to place an order, please.

[speaking Japanese]

[speaking in foreign language]

I'll take a dozen.

[President] Hello? Yeah, I'd like to order

a Good-Old-Boy pizza
with extra pork rinds.

[woman on phone] I'm sorry.

All circuits are busy.

Please try your call again later.

[man] Huh?

Drat! I can't get through.

[busy tone]

[phone ringing]

Yes, sir? That's right, sir.

The telephone circuits
all across the nation

are apparently overloading
as we speak.

We're working on
tracing the problem now, sir.

Apparently, some satellite t*rrorists

with some kind of grudge
against capitalism.

What's the world coming to

when the President
of the United States

can't even order a pizza?

Yeah, yeah.
Well, we've all got problems.

Sir.

This is incredible, sir.

All those phone calls
are going to one place,

which is also the source
of the satellite broadcast!

It's a business called Acme Labs.

Hmm... domestic t*rrorists, eh?

Now, this could be delicate.

Disarm those missiles.

Get me Special Weapons
and Tactics. Area 39A.

We welcome all credit cards,
checks, money orders...

[Pinky] Piggy banks,
school lunch vouchers,

silver dollars from the Tooth Fairy.

We're moving out to get
those t*rrorists, sir.

[General on radio]
Good work, Commander.

Remember, you must call in
and give us your address

as this offer
is not available in any store.

And, even if it was,

we wouldn't know which aisle! Narf!

[Brain] Less than two minutes to go

before we unveil
our incredible product.

I'm all a-tingle.

[laughs] Narf!

[heart monitor beeping]

Clamp.

Sponge.

Why not call now and avoid the rush?

Cell phone.

[beeping]

Can I borrow that
when you're through?

This infomercial's irresistible.

[man over P.A.] Harv, we've had
a request in the press box.

Instead of showing a lot
of silly instant replays,

we're switching to

the miracle product infomercial,

which is just moments away
from that special unveiling

we've all been waiting for.

[Brain on TV] Offer valid
in all countries, states,

provinces, territories,

principalities, island groupings

and even Canada.

What happened to all the trading?

The what? Oh, the stock market
crashed 15 minutes ago.

We've been watching
this irresistible infomercial.

Ah, so I was watching
this infomercial and... Ha, ha!

And they say this miracle product

hardens abs, always sparkles,

fits into most kitchen cupboards

and has a no-drip spout.

So I'm thinking...

Richard Simmons, ha!

Congratulations, sir.

You are caller four billion!

And you're just in time for...

the unveiling
of our miracle product.

Breathtaking, isn't it?

Oh! Zort! Oh!

What a lovely pedestal!

Not the pedestal, Pinky.

What's on the pedestal.

I don't know, you tell me.

Our miracle product!

Just look at those classic lines,

the soft shape, the easy-to-clean finish.

Of course, those of lower intelligence

will see nothing

but the highly educated
and cultured

easily see the beauty
of our miracle product.

What? I don't see anything.

I'm canceling my order.

[speaking in foreign language]

Um, Brain?

You don't really expect anyone
to fall for that, do you?

It doesn't matter, Pinky.

Even if they cancel their orders

all of their addresses

are in our water-cooled
supercomputer.

Oh, good!

I thought you'd really lost it. Zort!

Red Dog Leader here.

All units in place and ready to att*ck.

[man on radio]
Affirmative, Red Dog.

Just waiting for word "Go"
from the general.

Er, I see it! Don't you?

Goodbye now

and don't forget to check
your mail boxes.

Toodle loo-oo!

[instrumental flourish plays]

What a waste of time.

I gotta make a pit stop.

I'll call you back, Doris.

After that whole show
without a break,

I need to use the little girls room.

[clamoring]

[flushing]

[General] What in tarnation is that?

[Corporal] Water supply levels
have dropped to the danger point.

Hmm, just like when they aired

the final episode of The Fugitive.

What are you
blathering about, Corporal?



Almost everyone in the country

was watching the same TV show.

And when it was over,

they all flushed their toilets at once.

If that explanation was
any more ridiculous, Corporal,

you'd be in line for a promotion.

[Brain] Finally, Pinky, success!

Over four billion addresses.

The world will soon be mine.

- [computer fizzing]
- [Pinky yelps]

Computer's overheating.

What's going on?

Oh, I'll bet some silly-billy scientist

forgot to pay the water bill.

[Brain] Quickly!
Open up the water valves

or we'll lose all the data.

The water pressure's coming back up, sir.

Toilets. Told ya.

[water gushing]

Uh-oh, Pinky.

Uh, close the valve!

[both screaming]

Whoo-hoo-hoo! Narf!

Oh, that was fun, Brain!

Pinky, our computer is ruined.

And all four billion addresses are gone!

Don't worry, Brain. I'll try
and remember some of them.

Let's see. Oh, yes!

There was one lady
on Waverly Drive.

Um, or was it Driverly Way?

- [officer] Freeze!
- [g*ns cock]

You're under arrest for pirating

a m*llitary satellite,

jamming telecommunications systems

and sabotaging
the nation's water supply.

I'm sorry I caused
such a problem, Officer.

I'm afraid my friend and I

are a pair of
genetically-altered lab mice

who have failed in our attempt

to use an elaborate
mail order scheme

to take over the world.

[officer] Yeah, right,
you better come up

with something better
than that old line.

Uh, well, uh...

How about we were trying to hook up

our entertainment center

so we could watch
my friend's favorite program,

Family Affair,

and, uh, we left the bathtub running?

What do you know?

Same thing happened to my wife.

Say, you know how
to get that VCR clock

to stop blinking?

Uh, afraid not, Officer.

We'll be happy
to pay for the damage

if you'd care to bill us.

Aw, nah. These things happen.

Sorry to bother you, boys.
Enjoy the show.

Pinky, let's mop up
and prepare for tomorrow night.

What, Brain? What we going
to do tomorrow night?

In just 30 minutes?

The same thing we do
every night, Pinky.

No matter how long it takes.

Try to take over the world!

♪ They're dinky ♪

♪ They're Pinky and The Brain ♪

♪ Brain Brain Brain Brain ♪

[President] Where's my pizza?

[♪♪♪]