WOMAN: Are you ready?
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ I know you see me
standing here ♪
♪ Do I look good,
my dear? ♪
♪ Do I look good today? ♪
♪ Today, today ♪
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪
♪ I'm just another
kind of girl ♪
♪ And you want
to see my world ♪
♪ So come and run away ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ If you wanna play ♪
♪ Come and play today ♪
♪ Let's just get away, yeah ♪
♪ I will make you see ♪
♪ All of the things ♪
♪ That you can be ♪
♪ Believe in yourself ♪
♪ Come follow me ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
[microwave timer beeping]
- Ah! Ah!
Oh!
- Hey, hey,
what's up, crazies?
- Turn page.
[beeping, whirring]
- Did that thing just turn
the page automatically?
- Yeah, it did.
- See, this way I can read
my history textbook
while simultaneously typing up
a few ionic photon equations.
- How do you focus your brain
on two things at once like that?
- Yeah, I can't even watch TV
and burp at the same time.
[laughter]
Yeah, like, I gotta hit pause,
then burp, then unpause.
[laughing]
- Hey, you guys.
- Hi, Zo.
- Hey.
- Hey, Zo.
Tough meeting?
- Yeah.
- What meeting?
- Guidance counselor.
- Yeah. I just spent two hours
going over everything
I'm gonna need to put
on my college applications.
- Why? We don't have to worry
about that for another year.
- You better
start worrying now.
- It takes a lot more
than grades and S.A.T.s
to get into a good college.
- Especially when your grades
and S.A.T. scores are suckish.
Y'know, like yours.
- Well, my dad--
- Daddy's not gonna be able
to buy your way into college.
- True that.
- Not this time.
- Well, what am I
supposed to do then?
- You need good
extra-curricular stuff.
- I play football
and basketball.
- Yeah, not that good,
though.
- You're gonna need
more than that.
- Where are you going?
- To do something impressive
so I can get into college.
- Hey, why do they call
this eggplant?
It doesn't look like an egg,
doesn't look like a plant.
- So what should
they call it?
- I dunno.
Vega-mush.
[laughter]
Vega-mush.
See, that's funny.
- Turn page.
[beeping, whirring]
- Hey.
- Hey, Chase.
- What? What?
- What did you just hide?
- Nothin'.
- Ooh!
Tighty whities.
- My little brother
wears these.
- Okay, that's enough.
[laughing]
- Hey, Chase.
Girl people.
- Hey.
- Why are you all happy?
- 'Cause I just got Dean River''
approval on this...
I'm starting
a new tradition at PCA.
A yearly beauty pageant,
run by me.
- This is your
extra-curricular activity?
- To impress colleges?
- Don't go snotting
on this idea.
It's awesome.
- Okay, first of all,
I'll snot on
whatever I want to snot on.
- And this is a horrible idea.
- Yeah, beauty pageants
are sexist.
- Exactly.
- Duh.
- So what's wrong with sexy?
- Ist!
Sexist.
- Beauty pageants
are insulting to girls.
- Ugly girls, yeah.
- Oh, my god.
- Help us.
- Dude, this is
the twenty-first century.
It's not cool to have a contest
where girls are supposed
to "out-pretty" each other.
- Thank you.
- Did you really think girls
at PCA would sign up for this?
- Well, so far...
seventeen girls have.
- What?
- Why would all
these girls sign up?
- I guess they're
interested in winning
the insane first prize.
- Which is...?
- Whoever wins gets to be
on the cover of Buzz magazine.
- Buzz?!
- No way!
- How'd you pull that off?
- My dad has connections.
- Gimme a pen.
- You're signing up?
- Yeah.
If I'm on the cover of Buzz,
any agent in Hollywood
would sign me in a heartbeat.
- Gimme.
- Zoey!
- It's Buzz magazine!
This could be my big break
into the fashion world,
and do you realize how jealous
Katy Peckerman'll be
if I'm on the cover of Buzz?
- Who's Katy Peckerman?
- The rotten little skunkbag
who called me ugly
in third grade.
I hate that Katy Peckerman.
- Whose are these?
- It doesn't matter!
[laughing]
- Oh.
Oh.
Uh, more thumb.
Oh, yes!
- Hey, hey, Quinn...
- Oh, hi.
- What does a hillbilly
call a deer with no eyes?
- I dunno, what?
- [southern accent]
No eye deer!
[laughing]
Oh, c'mon, everybody
laughs at that joke.
- Sorry.
- It's like you don't think
I'm funny.
- Well...
- Oh, my God!
- Michael...
- Oh, I'm gonna make you laugh,
Quinn Pensky.
Okay, I'm gonna make you laugh
until it hurts, all right?
Ha ha.
- [chuckling] "No eye deer."
Uh...
[horn honks]
LOLA: Hey, Logan?
LOGAN: What?
- So about this beauty
pageant...
- Kissing me will not
influence my decision.
- Okay. Listen,
for the talent competition,
I'm gonna pick a monologue
from my acting class.
How long can it be?
- I don't care.
- Awesome.
It's gonna be two minutes,
and it's gonna be amazing.
- If I were you, I'd focus
on what I was gonna wear
for the evening gown
competition.
- I got that covered.
- You already got a dress?
- Yep, Zoey picked out
a couple of nice ones for us
at this cool boutique
right off campus.
- Really?
- Yeah, she's gonna fix 'em up.
Y'know, work a little
of her "fashion magic."
- And you think
that's a smart plan?
- Yeah.
Zo's got great taste. Why?
- Zoey's competing against you.
- So?
- So she's gonna make sure
her dress is better than yours.
Coming up next on "duhhh."
- Zoey's my friend.
She wouldn't do
anything catty like that.
- Sure, she wouldn't.
- Hey. How come
you haven't signed up
for the beauty pageant?
- Ugh. Please.
- What? You could win.
You have beauty.
- Thank you, Mark,
but serious scientists
do not win Nobel Prizes
by being on the cover
of pop culture magazines.
- Hey, look.
A rock.
- It's a nice one.
- Yeah, talk about beauty.
This one's goin'
right in my collection.
- Hey, hey, hey!
My pants!
Wha-hoo-hoo!
Yeah, baby! Oh!
My pants are down
around my ankles!
Whoo-hoo!
Yeah, baby! Uh, uh!
Oh, yeah!
This is not somethin'
you see every day, baby!
Uh-uh!
This is unanticipated!
Oh, you see me, right?
My pants are down, baby!
Yeah!
You can't handle it!
No, you cannot!
Oh, yeah, baby! Yeah!
[splash]
Wha-ha-ha!
Yeah-ah-ah-ah!
I'm in the fountain!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Takin' a shower
in the fountain.
Whoo-hoo!
Yeah, baby!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
Whoo-hoo!
- Are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm all right.
Why aren't you laughin'?
- Why would I laugh?
- 'Cause I run by you,
my pants down around my ankles,
I fall in a fountain.
That is top-notch
physical comedy!
Everybody laughs
at physical comedy.
- Yeah, not really.
- Miss Rosenbloom.
- [sigh] Zoey...
- Two more minutes!
- I'm bored.
- Look at the
fire extinguisher.
- It's not that exciting.
- Just wait.
I need your opinion on my dress.
- [sigh]
You know, I don't support
this beauty pageant.
It treats girls
like they're...
prized show-pigs
at a county fair,
and I don't think
it's right that--
♪ ♪
Ohhh.
- Do you like it?
- Ohh.
- So you like it?
- Yeah, it's, uh, very, uh...
flattering.
- Do you need
a drink of water?
- Yes, please.
- C'mon.
- Oh, hey, Chase.
- Hi.
- Zoey, what time
are we gonna--
Oh, my god!
You look gorgeous!
- Really?
- Yeah, absol--
Wait, I thought you said
the red dress was for me.
- I did, but then I started
messin' around with 'em,
and I decided that the other
dress would look better on you,
and this one was better for me.
- Oh, so you're saying
I'd look bad in that dress?
- I didn't say that.
- Yeah, ya kinda did.
- Girls...
- Look, I made your dress
look just as cool as mine.
- Okay. Let's see it.
- Sure.
- She's goin'
to get the dress.
- Here.
What do you think?
- Mmm...I dunno.
I'm kinda torn between
"eww" and...[gagging]
- Hey, who likes cheddar cheese?
I know I do.
- Do you know how hard I
worked on this dress for you?!
- Not as hard as you worked
on that one for you!
- I'm gonna go
somewhere else now.
- Y'know, I really thought you
were above this kinda thing.
- What kinda thing?
- Sabotaging me.
- Okay, you're insane.
- I was insane for
trusting you with my dress!
- Y'know, I'm trying real hard
not to get offended here!
- I shoulda known you'd try to
make sure I look worse than you.
And, uh, good luck doin' that.
- And now I'm offended!
- Yay.
- You just get your own dress
for the pageant!
- Oh, I'm way ahead
of you there!
Oh, and you know what's gonna be
so great about seeing my face
on the cover of Buzz magazine?
Not seeing yours!
- Your face should be covered
with a sack!
- You'll pay for that one,
Brooks.
- Hey, Zo.
- Hi!
- Aah!
WOMAN: ♪ So you lie now,
lie now ♪
♪ You're never true,
you make up lies ♪
♪ I see right through it ♪
- Oh, if only you could
stay this sharp forever.
- Is Zoey in here?
- No. Just me.
- Good, 'cause I don't want
to be in the same room with her.
- Then you better leave
'cause here I am.
- I'm not going anywhere.
I'm just gonna ignore you.
- Ooh, promise?
- Can I please borrow
your lip gloss?
- Sure.
- Careful, Quinn.
If she ends up not liking it,
she'll accuse you of trying
to sabotage her mouth.
- Huh?
- I wish your mouth
would stop moving.
- I thought you were
ignoring me.
- I was, then I stopped
for a second,
and now I'm
ignoring you again.
- All right, I'm leaving!
I can't wait until
this stupid beauty pageant's
over and done with!
- Well...don't leave.
- All right, I'll stay if you
two'll be nice to each other.
- I'll be nice
if she'll be nice.
- Oh, so it's all on me now?
- You're the one who started
acting like a jerk yesterday!
- No, you started it
by hijacking my hot red dress
and trying to squeeze me
into some hideous mom frock!
- Bye!
- What's a "mom frock"?!
- A frock that a mom wears!
- What's going on in there?
- Zoey and Lola are fighting.
- Oh, that's such a shame.
LOLA: Well, you deserve it!
Ugh!
ZOEY: No, I didn't! I worked
for hours on that!
- Um...what are you wearing?
- Oh, this is my evening gown
for Logan's beauty pageant.
I'm having it altered 'cause
it's a bit snug in the bosom.
LOLA: I can't believe
you'd say that!
[fabric tearing,
glass breaking]
ZOEY: Yaah! Crazy!
- Lola! Put down the melon!
- Oh, I adore melons.
You know,
my favorite is the honeydew,
but then I also enjoy
the occasional cantaloupe.
Oh.
LOLA: Go get my melon!
- You okay?
[Stacey groans]
- ♪ So what's up now?
Are you... ♪
- [sighs]
- You're up.
- Girls, my cue?
- Here you go.
- Six in the side.
Man, b*ating you
is really making me thirsty.
I'm thirsty.
- He's thirsty.
[giggling]
- How sweet are they?
- They're not sweet.
They're just sucking up to you
'cause they know
that you're the only judge
in your little beauty pageant.
- I know.
How did I not think of this
three years ago?
- I got it! I got it!
- Whatcha got?
- A foolproof way
to make Quinn laugh.
- You're gonna show her
a picture of that mustache
you tried to grow?
[laughing]
- Hey, it woulda grown in.
I just needed more time.
Anyway, Quinn's like
super smart, right?
- Yeah.
- So I just gotta hit her
with an intellectual joke.
- Oh, god.
- Yeah, just--
just watch this.
Hey, there, Quinn.
- 'Sup?
- Well, y'see...
two hydrogen atoms bump
into each other at a party.
So one of the atoms says,
"Why do you look so sad?"
So the other atom says,
"Aw, I just lost a proton."
So the first atom says,
"Well, are you sure about that?"
And the other atom says,
"Oh, yeah, I'm positive!"
[laughing]
C'mon!
That's funny!
- Protons are
positively charged,
electrons are
negatively charged.
If the hydrogen atom
lost a proton,
it would cause the atom
to skew negative, not positive.
- Well...okay, yeah,
but still, I mean...
- I don't find
scientific errors funny.
MAN: ♪ This is our song ♪
♪ This is our song... ♪
♪ ♪
- What happened?!
Are you okay?!
- Yeah, why wouldn't I be okay?
- 'Cause you sent me
a double 9-1-1 text message.
- Yes, 'cause I need you to
help me decide which earrings
I should wear in the pageant.
- Oh, sorry, I didn't
realize the seriousness
of the situation.
- Yeah, yeah, so do you
like the topaz, the pearls,
or the little red balls?
- Um, they all look very nice.
- What are you,
running for president?
Take a position.
Make a choice.
- Uh...okay.
Um, the--the topaz balls?
- [sighs] All right, look,
just pick up those index cards
and read me the questions.
- What are they for?
- The interview.
The pageant consists
of four sub-competitions:
talent, evening gown,
interview, and swimsuit!
- Can I help you
pick out a swimsuit?
- I already
picked a swimsuit.
Just read those.
- Okay, okay...um...
"If you could,
what would you do to help
the hungry children
of the world?"
- I dunno. Feed 'em?
What other answer is there?
- I think they're looking
for something more specific.
- Okay, meatloaf.
I'd give 'em all meatloaf.
Next.
- Um, if you could be
an internal organ,
which organ would you be?
Heart, lung, liver,
pancreas, or bladder?
- What kinda question is that?!
- It's a Chase question.
I made it up myself.
Oof! Aah!
Hey.
You dented my 'fro.
- You're not taking
this seriously.
- Well, ya got that one right.
- This is important to me!
I want to be
on the cover of Buzz!
- No, you don't.
You're just obsessed
with b*ating Lola because
you guys are in a fight.
- Okay, I do not need
a therapist,
so if you're
not gonna help me--
- Maybe you do need a therapist
because you're not even
acting like you.
- Oh, I'm not?
- You're the one who said
contests like this bring out
the worst in people.
Well, guess what?
It's bringing out
the worst in you.
- That's so not true.
- It's like you to run around,
freakin' out,
dying for Logan to pick you
as the prettiest girl at PCA?
- Topaz, pearls,
or red balls?
♪ ♪
- [amplified]
All right, ladies,
please sign in over
there at that table,
then proceed to the stage area
over by the quad.
- Hey, Logan.
Nice tuxedo.
Do you like my dress?
- No.
- Oh. Well, thanks
for the constructive criticism!
- Can I have the pen,
please?
- Course.
- Why don't you take a picture?
It'll last longer.
- Pardon?
- You were checking
out my dress. Jealous?
- I don't think so.
- Right.
- What's up, boys?
- What are you,
the lifeguard?
- This is my judging chair.
[feedback]
Let's go, ladies!
This pageant starts
in four minutes!
Get your primp on
and get over here!
- [gasp]
You yanked off my wrap!
[gasp] And now
there's mud on it!
- I didn't yank your wrap.
It fell off.
And I don't appreciate you
accusing me of yanking your--
STUDENTS: Ooh!
- You did not just do that.
- Maybe I didn't, maybe I did.
I guess you're just
gonna have to wonder--
STUDENTS: Ooh!
- Aah!
Aaah!
- Aah!
[students shouting]
- Hey, what's
going on over there?
[Zoey and Lola screaming]
- Looks like a girl fight.
[both grunting]
- All right!
C'mon!
Stop it!
Let go!
What are you guys, crazy?
Stop fighting!
[both laughing]
- You look so funny.
- So do you.
[both laughing]
- I'm so sorry.
- Don't even say it.
- I have to.
I've been acting
like such an idiot.
- Not just you.
What do you think?
Huggin' time?
- Oh, yeah.
STUDENTS: Aww!
- Hey, hey, hey!
You two are outta the pageant!
Out! So both of you just--
[laughter]
You are kidding me!
You are kidding me!
I'm telling Dean Rivers
about this,
and both of you
are gonna get detention!
[both laughing]
- Then I guess we have
nothin' to lose.
[everyone laughing]
- Oh! No! No! No!
Oh! Oh!
- Aah!
- This is so much better
than a beauty pageant.
- So much better.
- It's so cold!
Oh! No!
Oh, my God!
- Girls.
Always fightin' dirty.
- [laughing]
Fighting dirty...
'cause they're muddy.
I get it! That's funny!
- It is?
- [laughing]
- [laughing] Yeah,
that's right, it is.
It sure is.
You just laugh it up, Quinn,
compliments of Michael Barret.
Whoo!
- It wasn't that funny.
- I know.
But now he'll stop trying
to make me laugh.
- Clever.
- Ow! Ow!
Let go of me!
I'm the judge!
I'm the judge!
I'm the judge!
- Poor Logan.
- Yeah, he's really getting
pounded down there.
- Let go of me!
I'm the judge!
- Wanna get some coffee?
- Sure.
- Ow! Ow! Ow!
Let go of me!
I'm the judge!
I'm the judge!
I'm the judge!
WOMAN: ♪ If you wanna play ♪
♪ Come and play today ♪
♪ Let's just get away, yeah ♪
♪ I will make you see ♪
♪ All of the things ♪
♪ That you can be ♪
♪ Believe in yourself ♪
♪ Come follow me ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
[ding]
MAN: Mmm.
- No eye deer.
03x21 - Miss PCA
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
Series centers around Zoey Brooks as she enrolls in Pacific Coast Academy, a prestigious Southern California boarding school that previously only allowed boys to attend.
Series centers around Zoey Brooks as she enrolls in Pacific Coast Academy, a prestigious Southern California boarding school that previously only allowed boys to attend.