03x21 - Miss PCA

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN: Are you ready?

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I know you see me
standing here ♪

♪ Do I look good,
my dear? ♪

♪ Do I look good today? ♪

♪ Today, today ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ I'm just another
kind of girl ♪

♪ And you want
to see my world ♪

♪ So come and run away ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ If you wanna play ♪

♪ Come and play today ♪

♪ Let's just get away, yeah ♪

♪ I will make you see ♪

♪ All of the things ♪

♪ That you can be ♪

♪ Believe in yourself ♪

♪ Come follow me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[microwave timer beeping]

- Ah! Ah!
Oh!

- Hey, hey,
what's up, crazies?

- Turn page.

[beeping, whirring]

- Did that thing just turn
the page automatically?

- Yeah, it did.

- See, this way I can read
my history textbook

while simultaneously typing up
a few ionic photon equations.

- How do you focus your brain
on two things at once like that?

- Yeah, I can't even watch TV
and burp at the same time.

[laughter]

Yeah, like, I gotta hit pause,
then burp, then unpause.

[laughing]

- Hey, you guys.
- Hi, Zo.

- Hey.
- Hey, Zo.

Tough meeting?
- Yeah.

- What meeting?
- Guidance counselor.

- Yeah. I just spent two hours
going over everything

I'm gonna need to put
on my college applications.

- Why? We don't have to worry
about that for another year.

- You better
start worrying now.

- It takes a lot more
than grades and S.A.T.s

to get into a good college.

- Especially when your grades
and S.A.T. scores are suckish.

Y'know, like yours.
- Well, my dad--

- Daddy's not gonna be able
to buy your way into college.

- True that.
- Not this time.

- Well, what am I
supposed to do then?

- You need good
extra-curricular stuff.

- I play football
and basketball.

- Yeah, not that good,
though.

- You're gonna need
more than that.

- Where are you going?

- To do something impressive
so I can get into college.

- Hey, why do they call
this eggplant?

It doesn't look like an egg,
doesn't look like a plant.

- So what should
they call it?

- I dunno.
Vega-mush.

[laughter]

Vega-mush.
See, that's funny.

- Turn page.

[beeping, whirring]

- Hey.
- Hey, Chase.

- What? What?
- What did you just hide?

- Nothin'.

- Ooh!
Tighty whities.

- My little brother
wears these.

- Okay, that's enough.

[laughing]

- Hey, Chase.
Girl people.

- Hey.
- Why are you all happy?

- 'Cause I just got Dean River''
approval on this...

I'm starting
a new tradition at PCA.

A yearly beauty pageant,
run by me.

- This is your
extra-curricular activity?

- To impress colleges?

- Don't go snotting
on this idea.

It's awesome.

- Okay, first of all,
I'll snot on

whatever I want to snot on.

- And this is a horrible idea.

- Yeah, beauty pageants
are sexist.

- Exactly.
- Duh.

- So what's wrong with sexy?

- Ist!
Sexist.

- Beauty pageants
are insulting to girls.

- Ugly girls, yeah.
- Oh, my god.

- Help us.

- Dude, this is
the twenty-first century.

It's not cool to have a contest
where girls are supposed

to "out-pretty" each other.
- Thank you.

- Did you really think girls
at PCA would sign up for this?

- Well, so far...

seventeen girls have.
- What?

- Why would all
these girls sign up?

- I guess they're
interested in winning

the insane first prize.
- Which is...?

- Whoever wins gets to be
on the cover of Buzz magazine.

- Buzz?!
- No way!

- How'd you pull that off?

- My dad has connections.

- Gimme a pen.

- You're signing up?
- Yeah.

If I'm on the cover of Buzz,

any agent in Hollywood
would sign me in a heartbeat.

- Gimme.
- Zoey!

- It's Buzz magazine!

This could be my big break
into the fashion world,

and do you realize how jealous
Katy Peckerman'll be

if I'm on the cover of Buzz?

- Who's Katy Peckerman?

- The rotten little skunkbag

who called me ugly
in third grade.

I hate that Katy Peckerman.

- Whose are these?

- It doesn't matter!

[laughing]

- Oh.

Oh.

Uh, more thumb.

Oh, yes!

- Hey, hey, Quinn...
- Oh, hi.

- What does a hillbilly
call a deer with no eyes?

- I dunno, what?

- [southern accent]
No eye deer!

[laughing]

Oh, c'mon, everybody
laughs at that joke.

- Sorry.

- It's like you don't think
I'm funny.

- Well...

- Oh, my God!

- Michael...

- Oh, I'm gonna make you laugh,
Quinn Pensky.

Okay, I'm gonna make you laugh
until it hurts, all right?

Ha ha.

- [chuckling] "No eye deer."

Uh...

[horn honks]

LOLA: Hey, Logan?
LOGAN: What?

- So about this beauty
pageant...

- Kissing me will not
influence my decision.

- Okay. Listen,
for the talent competition,

I'm gonna pick a monologue
from my acting class.

How long can it be?
- I don't care.

- Awesome.

It's gonna be two minutes,
and it's gonna be amazing.

- If I were you, I'd focus
on what I was gonna wear

for the evening gown
competition.

- I got that covered.
- You already got a dress?

- Yep, Zoey picked out
a couple of nice ones for us

at this cool boutique
right off campus.

- Really?
- Yeah, she's gonna fix 'em up.

Y'know, work a little
of her "fashion magic."

- And you think
that's a smart plan?

- Yeah.
Zo's got great taste. Why?

- Zoey's competing against you.
- So?

- So she's gonna make sure
her dress is better than yours.

Coming up next on "duhhh."

- Zoey's my friend.

She wouldn't do
anything catty like that.

- Sure, she wouldn't.

- Hey. How come
you haven't signed up

for the beauty pageant?

- Ugh. Please.

- What? You could win.
You have beauty.

- Thank you, Mark,
but serious scientists

do not win Nobel Prizes
by being on the cover

of pop culture magazines.

- Hey, look.
A rock.

- It's a nice one.

- Yeah, talk about beauty.

This one's goin'
right in my collection.

- Hey, hey, hey!
My pants!

Wha-hoo-hoo!
Yeah, baby! Oh!

My pants are down
around my ankles!

Whoo-hoo!

Yeah, baby! Uh, uh!
Oh, yeah!

This is not somethin'
you see every day, baby!

Uh-uh!
This is unanticipated!

Oh, you see me, right?

My pants are down, baby!
Yeah!

You can't handle it!
No, you cannot!

Oh, yeah, baby! Yeah!
[splash]

Wha-ha-ha!
Yeah-ah-ah-ah!

I'm in the fountain!

Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!

Takin' a shower
in the fountain.

Whoo-hoo!
Yeah, baby!

Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Whoo-hoo!

- Are you all right?

- Yeah, I'm all right.

Why aren't you laughin'?
- Why would I laugh?

- 'Cause I run by you,
my pants down around my ankles,

I fall in a fountain.

That is top-notch
physical comedy!

Everybody laughs
at physical comedy.

- Yeah, not really.

- Miss Rosenbloom.

- [sigh] Zoey...

- Two more minutes!

- I'm bored.

- Look at the
fire extinguisher.

- It's not that exciting.

- Just wait.
I need your opinion on my dress.

- [sigh]

You know, I don't support
this beauty pageant.

It treats girls
like they're...

prized show-pigs
at a county fair,

and I don't think
it's right that--

♪ ♪

Ohhh.

- Do you like it?

- Ohh.

- So you like it?

- Yeah, it's, uh, very, uh...

flattering.

- Do you need
a drink of water?

- Yes, please.

- C'mon.

- Oh, hey, Chase.
- Hi.

- Zoey, what time
are we gonna--

Oh, my god!
You look gorgeous!

- Really?
- Yeah, absol--

Wait, I thought you said
the red dress was for me.

- I did, but then I started
messin' around with 'em,

and I decided that the other
dress would look better on you,

and this one was better for me.

- Oh, so you're saying
I'd look bad in that dress?

- I didn't say that.

- Yeah, ya kinda did.
- Girls...

- Look, I made your dress
look just as cool as mine.

- Okay. Let's see it.

- Sure.

- She's goin'
to get the dress.

- Here.
What do you think?

- Mmm...I dunno.

I'm kinda torn between
"eww" and...[gagging]

- Hey, who likes cheddar cheese?
I know I do.

- Do you know how hard I
worked on this dress for you?!

- Not as hard as you worked
on that one for you!

- I'm gonna go
somewhere else now.

- Y'know, I really thought you
were above this kinda thing.

- What kinda thing?
- Sabotaging me.

- Okay, you're insane.

- I was insane for
trusting you with my dress!

- Y'know, I'm trying real hard
not to get offended here!

- I shoulda known you'd try to
make sure I look worse than you.

And, uh, good luck doin' that.

- And now I'm offended!
- Yay.

- You just get your own dress
for the pageant!

- Oh, I'm way ahead
of you there!

Oh, and you know what's gonna be
so great about seeing my face

on the cover of Buzz magazine?

Not seeing yours!

- Your face should be covered
with a sack!

- You'll pay for that one,
Brooks.

- Hey, Zo.

- Hi!
- Aah!

WOMAN: ♪ So you lie now,
lie now ♪

♪ You're never true,
you make up lies ♪

♪ I see right through it ♪

- Oh, if only you could
stay this sharp forever.

- Is Zoey in here?
- No. Just me.

- Good, 'cause I don't want
to be in the same room with her.

- Then you better leave
'cause here I am.

- I'm not going anywhere.
I'm just gonna ignore you.

- Ooh, promise?

- Can I please borrow
your lip gloss?

- Sure.
- Careful, Quinn.

If she ends up not liking it,

she'll accuse you of trying
to sabotage her mouth.

- Huh?

- I wish your mouth
would stop moving.

- I thought you were
ignoring me.

- I was, then I stopped
for a second,

and now I'm
ignoring you again.

- All right, I'm leaving!

I can't wait until
this stupid beauty pageant's

over and done with!

- Well...don't leave.

- All right, I'll stay if you
two'll be nice to each other.

- I'll be nice
if she'll be nice.

- Oh, so it's all on me now?

- You're the one who started
acting like a jerk yesterday!

- No, you started it
by hijacking my hot red dress

and trying to squeeze me
into some hideous mom frock!

- Bye!
- What's a "mom frock"?!

- A frock that a mom wears!
- What's going on in there?

- Zoey and Lola are fighting.

- Oh, that's such a shame.

LOLA: Well, you deserve it!
Ugh!

ZOEY: No, I didn't! I worked
for hours on that!

- Um...what are you wearing?

- Oh, this is my evening gown
for Logan's beauty pageant.

I'm having it altered 'cause
it's a bit snug in the bosom.

LOLA: I can't believe
you'd say that!

[fabric tearing,
glass breaking]

ZOEY: Yaah! Crazy!

- Lola! Put down the melon!

- Oh, I adore melons.

You know,
my favorite is the honeydew,

but then I also enjoy
the occasional cantaloupe.

Oh.

LOLA: Go get my melon!

- You okay?
[Stacey groans]

- ♪ So what's up now?
Are you... ♪

- [sighs]

- You're up.

- Girls, my cue?

- Here you go.

- Six in the side.

Man, beating you
is really making me thirsty.

I'm thirsty.
- He's thirsty.

[giggling]

- How sweet are they?
- They're not sweet.

They're just sucking up to you
'cause they know

that you're the only judge
in your little beauty pageant.

- I know.

How did I not think of this
three years ago?

- I got it! I got it!
- Whatcha got?

- A foolproof way
to make Quinn laugh.

- You're gonna show her
a picture of that mustache

you tried to grow?
[laughing]

- Hey, it woulda grown in.
I just needed more time.

Anyway, Quinn's like
super smart, right?

- Yeah.

- So I just gotta hit her
with an intellectual joke.

- Oh, god.

- Yeah, just--
just watch this.

Hey, there, Quinn.

- 'Sup?
- Well, y'see...

two hydrogen atoms bump
into each other at a party.

So one of the atoms says,
"Why do you look so sad?"

So the other atom says,
"Aw, I just lost a proton."

So the first atom says,
"Well, are you sure about that?"

And the other atom says,
"Oh, yeah, I'm positive!"

[laughing]

C'mon!
That's funny!

- Protons are
positively charged,

electrons are
negatively charged.

If the hydrogen atom
lost a proton,

it would cause the atom
to skew negative, not positive.

- Well...okay, yeah,
but still, I mean...

- I don't find
scientific errors funny.

MAN: ♪ This is our song ♪

♪ This is our song... ♪

♪ ♪

- What happened?!
Are you okay?!

- Yeah, why wouldn't I be okay?

- 'Cause you sent me
a double 9-1-1 text message.

- Yes, 'cause I need you to
help me decide which earrings

I should wear in the pageant.

- Oh, sorry, I didn't
realize the seriousness

of the situation.

- Yeah, yeah, so do you
like the topaz, the pearls,

or the little red ba*ls?

- Um, they all look very nice.

- What are you,
running for president?

Take a position.
Make a choice.

- Uh...okay.

Um, the--the topaz ba*ls?

- [sighs] All right, look,
just pick up those index cards

and read me the questions.

- What are they for?
- The interview.

The pageant consists
of four sub-competitions:

talent, evening gown,
interview, and swimsuit!

- Can I help you
pick out a swimsuit?

- I already
picked a swimsuit.

Just read those.

- Okay, okay...um...

"If you could,
what would you do to help

the hungry children
of the world?"

- I dunno. Feed 'em?
What other answer is there?

- I think they're looking
for something more specific.

- Okay, meatloaf.
I'd give 'em all meatloaf.

Next.

- Um, if you could be
an internal organ,

which organ would you be?

Heart, lung, liver,
pancreas, or bladder?

- What kinda question is that?!

- It's a Chase question.
I made it up myself.

Oof! Aah!

Hey.

You dented my 'fro.

- You're not taking
this seriously.

- Well, ya got that one right.

- This is important to me!

I want to be
on the cover of Buzz!

- No, you don't.
You're just obsessed

with beating Lola because
you guys are in a fight.

- Okay, I do not need
a therapist,

so if you're
not gonna help me--

- Maybe you do need a therapist
because you're not even

acting like you.
- Oh, I'm not?

- You're the one who said
contests like this bring out

the worst in people.
Well, guess what?

It's bringing out
the worst in you.

- That's so not true.

- It's like you to run around,
freakin' out,

dying for Logan to pick you
as the prettiest girl at PCA?

- Topaz, pearls,
or red ba*ls?

♪ ♪

- [amplified]
All right, ladies,

please sign in over
there at that table,

then proceed to the stage area
over by the quad.

- Hey, Logan.
Nice tuxedo.

Do you like my dress?

- No.

- Oh. Well, thanks
for the constructive criticism!

- Can I have the pen,
please?

- Course.

- Why don't you take a picture?
It'll last longer.

- Pardon?

- You were checking
out my dress. Jealous?

- I don't think so.
- Right.

- What's up, boys?

- What are you,
the lifeguard?

- This is my judging chair.

[feedback]
Let's go, ladies!

This pageant starts
in four minutes!

Get your primp on
and get over here!

- [gasp]

You yanked off my wrap!

[gasp] And now
there's mud on it!

- I didn't yank your wrap.
It fell off.

And I don't appreciate you
accusing me of yanking your--

STUDENTS: Ooh!

- You did not just do that.

- Maybe I didn't, maybe I did.

I guess you're just
gonna have to wonder--

STUDENTS: Ooh!

- Aah!

Aaah!
- Aah!

[students shouting]

- Hey, what's
going on over there?

[Zoey and Lola screaming]

- Looks like a girl fight.

[both grunting]

- All right!
C'mon!

Stop it!
Let go!

What are you guys, crazy?
Stop fighting!

[both laughing]

- You look so funny.

- So do you.

[both laughing]

- I'm so sorry.

- Don't even say it.
- I have to.

I've been acting
like such an idiot.

- Not just you.
What do you think?

Huggin' time?
- Oh, yeah.

STUDENTS: Aww!

- Hey, hey, hey!

You two are outta the pageant!

Out! So both of you just--

[laughter]

You are kidding me!

You are kidding me!

I'm telling Dean Rivers
about this,

and both of you
are gonna get detention!

[both laughing]

- Then I guess we have
nothin' to lose.

[everyone laughing]

- Oh! No! No! No!

Oh! Oh!

- Aah!

- This is so much better
than a beauty pageant.

- So much better.

- It's so cold!

Oh! No!

Oh, my God!

- Girls.
Always fightin' dirty.

- [laughing]

Fighting dirty...

'cause they're muddy.

I get it! That's funny!

- It is?
- [laughing]

- [laughing] Yeah,
that's right, it is.

It sure is.

You just laugh it up, Quinn,
compliments of Michael Barret.

Whoo!

- It wasn't that funny.
- I know.

But now he'll stop trying
to make me laugh.

- Clever.

- Ow! Ow!
Let go of me!

I'm the judge!

I'm the judge!
I'm the judge!

- Poor Logan.

- Yeah, he's really getting
pounded down there.

- Let go of me!
I'm the judge!

- Wanna get some coffee?
- Sure.

- Ow! Ow! Ow!
Let go of me!

I'm the judge!
I'm the judge!

I'm the judge!

WOMAN: ♪ If you wanna play ♪

♪ Come and play today ♪

♪ Let's just get away, yeah ♪

♪ I will make you see ♪

♪ All of the things ♪

♪ That you can be ♪

♪ Believe in yourself ♪

♪ Come follow me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

[ding]

MAN: Mmm.

- No eye deer.