03x19 - Son of a Dean

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN: Are you ready?

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I know you see me
standing here ♪

♪ Do I look good,
my dear? ♪

♪ Do I look good today? ♪

♪ Today, today ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ I'm just another
kind of girl ♪

♪ And you want
to see my world ♪

♪ So come and run away ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ If you wanna play ♪

♪ Come and play today ♪

♪ Let's just get away, yeah ♪

♪ I will make you see ♪

♪ All of the things ♪

♪ That you can be ♪

♪ Believe in yourself ♪

♪ Come follow me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

- Slow down.
- And hold your wrist still.

- Will you guys stop already?

- No.
- Not really.

- What's the matter
with you two?

It's just a date.

- With the son of Dean Rivers.

- Which means you need
the right bracelet.

- And properly brushed hair.

- Yeah, we don't want him
to look at me and throw up.

- Listen, woman, third dates
are extremely important.

- Yeah.
- See, on the first date,

a guy and a girl are just
checking each other out.

- And second dates are like
a compatibility test

to see whether you guys
get along.

- But the third date
is the real turning point.

- It's when he decides whether
you're girlfriend material.

- Or the dreaded
"just friends."

- God forbid.

[students talking excitedly]

QUINN:
What's going on over there?

- Ooh, the contest.
- We have to sign up.

- What contest?
- You know that movie

they filmed here last summer?

- Beaches and Cream?

- Yeah?
LOLA: Well,

as a promotional thing,
they gave

Dean Rivers
one free ticket to raffle off.

- And whoever wins gets to go
to the premiere in L.A.

- You get picked up in a limo
and everything.

Come on, let's go sign up.

- Why?
If there's only one ticket

and figure 85%
of all PCA students

enter the raffle,

the statistical odds
of winning

are less than one in--

[laughter]

Wait! I want to enter!

You guys, wait up!

I have dreams!

[hip-hop dance music]

MAN: ♪ Come on ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Understand
the concept of love ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Understand
the concept of love ♪

♪ ♪

- Should I even ask?

- I'm making a video of me
dancing.

- Yeah,
that part I figured out.

The, uh, burning question
would be why?

- To give out to girls
here at PCA.

- Okay. Why?

- So they can take it home,

play it on their TVs,
and then

pretend they're dancing
with me.

MAN: ♪ Understand
the concept of love ♪

- Hey.

♪ ♪

What is he--
- You don't wanna know.

♪ ♪

- Well, did you see the email
we got?

- What email?

- Check it out.

- Hey, it's from the head guy
at Toon Juice.

- Read it.

CHASE: "Chase and Michael,"

da-da-da-da-da.

"Your cartoon has gotten

over 20,000 views this month."

Ooh, that's good, right?

- Yeah, it's good.
Keep going.

- Uh, da-da-da-da-da...

"Which is why we'd like you
to produce 26 more episodes

by the end of next month."

- Our toon's an online hit.
[chuckles]

- 26 episodes?

- Yeah.

- How are we gonna think of
and make

another 26 cartoons
in seven weeks?

It took us a whole week
to make the first one.

[electronic beep]

[country music playing]

♪ ♪

- Some PCA girls
are from Texas.

♪ ♪

Yeah!

Whoo!

♪ ♪

- I really, really, really
hope I win.

- It's gonna be like a real big
Hollywood premiere, right?

- Yes,
but you're not gonna win

'cause it's my destiny to win.

- Your destiny?
- I'm gonna be

a huge movie star one day,

so going to this premiere

will be excellent practice
for me.

- If only she had a little more
self-confidence.

- So what time's Lance
supposed to meet you here?

- Um, I think now,

but my watch may be running
a couple of--

[spritzing]

What? Are you trying
to exterminate me?

- It's an awesome French perfume
called "Jambon."

- Quinn, I don't wanna
be sprayed with--

- [groans]

[joints cracking]
Ow, ow, ow!

- What?
- Oh, it's my back again.

- Can you stand up straight?

[joints cracking]
- No, no.

The answer would be no.

- Hey, Zoey.

- Hi, Lance.

This is Lola,
and that's Quinn.

- Hi.

And...hi.

- Hello. Nice shoes.

- Uh, why is she--

- She has a bad back.

- It's happened before.

- It's not my back's fault.

My mattress is all lumpy
and worn out.

- Like Miss Conroy
in the cafeteria.

- Well, why don't you just call
the housing office

and tell 'em to send you
a new mattress?

- I did.
It's like a two-month wait.

ZOEY: She'll be fine.

Come on, let's go.

- Kay. Nice meeting you.

- Bye.

- Okay, Lola, you're gonna

have to help me
back to the dorm.

Um, if you could
pick me up in--

in sort of like
a fireman's carry,

or we could do
a piggyback type thing

if that would be easier.

Here, just lean over,
and I'll--

Lola?

Lola!

[mellow acoustic music]

MAN: ♪ And I will ♪

♪ Listen to you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Hold you if you wanna cry ♪

- Okay, okay.
How 'bout this?

Your character
and my character,

we're dolphins in the ocean,
right?

And we're being chased by...

by kangaroos.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's good.

That's--that's really good.

Uh, just one question.

How are kangaroos chasing us
in the ocean?

- They're very special
kangaroos.

- No.
- It's good.

- It's not good.

- Will you two idiots go to bed
already?

It's almost 2:00
in the morning.

- We can't go to bed
till we come up with

at least one good idea
for our cartoon.

- I've given you,
like, nine good ideas.

- All of which involve dolphins
and/or kangaroos.

- Those are funny animals.

- All right.
You want an idea?

How about...

your characters
are bowling pins,

and you're terrified
of being hit

by the bowling ball?

How's that?

- That could be really funny.

How'd you think of that?

- I am good at everything.

And now that you have
your funny idea...

[electronic beep]

Good night.

- Hey,
what if the bowling pins

are shaped like dolphins?

- [sighs]

[smack]
MICHAEL: Huh!

I like being hit in the head.

♪ ♪

- Oh, there's no room

in this little refrigerator.

- Zoey, will you come
turn my heating pad up

a little bit?

- Sure.

[electronic beeping]

Your back feeling any better?

- Maybe a little.

[knock on door]

- It's open!

- Hi.
Uh, what's going on?

- Got a new mattress
for Quinn Pensky.

- New mattress?

[stammers]
But I thought--

- Surprise.

- Hey, Lance.

- Hey, Zo.

- How'd you get me
a new mattress?

- Hey, when your dad's
the dean of the school,

you know, you can
make stuff happen.

QUINN: Oh. That's awesome.

Oh!

Thank you so much.

- You couldn't get us
a new full-size refrigerator,

could ya?
[chuckles]

WOMAN: ♪ I'm in love ♪

♪ I'm in love with him ♪

♪ ♪

- How's that?

BOTH: We love him!

♪ ♪

[quirky cartoon music]

♪ ♪

MICHAEL: Oh, no! Oh, no!

CHASE:
Calm down! Calm yourself!

MICHAEL: Oh, no!
CHASE: Calm down! It's okay!

Calm down!
- I can't calm down!

We're about to be hit
by a big, black ball!

- [stammering]
But maybe it'll miss us!

- How's it gonna miss us?
We're right in front.

Oh, man.
He's about to roll.

He's gonna roll!

CHASE: Hey, I got an idea.

- Tell me, tell me,
tell me, tell me!

- When the ball rolls at us,
hop up and down.

- Why?
- 'Cause m-m-maybe

when the ball gets here,
we'll be up,

and it'll roll right under us.

- Here comes the ball!
Hop!

- I'm hopping!
I'm hopping up and down!

- Are you hopping
up and down?

- I'm hopping!
I'm hopping up and down!

I'm hopping up and down!
- Oh! Faster!

- I'm hoppin'!
I'm doin' the hop!

- Faster!

[both screaming]

- Ha-ha...

Ah, we're cute.
- Yeah.

Now we just need


- Yeah.
Okay, okay.

How 'bout this?
- Yeah.

- Our characters
are two dolphins

that are afraid to be hit
by a boat.

- Yeah.
See, that's the same thing

as the bowling pins.

- No.

We're dolphins.

Yeah.
- Yeah, dude--

CLAIRE: Hey.

Chase and Michael, right?

- Uh-huh.
- That's us.

- I'm Claire Jefferies
with ToonJuice.com.

- Oh, yeah.
- Right, right.

- Um, we talked to you
on the phone.

- That's me.

- What are you doing here?
[chuckles]

- Well, my boss wanted me
to drive up here personally

to tell you
some interesting news.

- Oh, okay?
- Okay.

- You know the last toon
you sent us,

the scared bowling pins?

It's now
the third most viewed video

in the history of Toon Juice.

- [gasps]
No way!

- That is insane.

- [laughing] Yeah.

So Clark wanted me to pass on

the good news to you
in person.

- That is so nice.

- Thank you, Claire.

- And the bad news.

- What's this?

CLAIRE: It's a letter
from the lawyers

who represent the TV show
Friday Night Live.

- They saw our cartoon?

- Yeah, they did.

They also saw it
four months ago

when they did it.

- What?
- [stammers] Huh?

- Yep. They're suing you
for stealing their idea.

Later.

- [gasps]
- We're being sued.

- [groaning]

I told you we should've gone
with the dolphins.

♪ ♪

- Good evening.
I'm Jeremiah Trottman

coming to you live

right outside
Dean Rivers' office.

In just seconds,
I'm gonna be handed

the winning raffle ticket,
which will determine

the lucky PCA student
who gets to go,

via limo,
to the Los Angeles premiere

of the new movie
Beaches and Cream.

- [gasps, squeals] Please,
please, please, please, please!

- The movie, of course,
stars Johnny Depp,

Natalie Portman,
Bruce Vilanch--

- Here.
- Ah, I've just been handed

the winning raffle ticket.

- Here we go! Here we go!

- You're squishing
my deltoid!

- And the winning
raffle ticket is...






GIRL: I lost.

- 1...

ZOEY: Aah!

- 6!

[all groaning]

- I got it! 9-1-3-1-6!

[all murmuring]

GIRL: You're so lucky!

- Congratulations.

- Yeah, if it couldn't be me,

I'm glad it's you.

But I wish it was me.

- Hey, hey, way to go, Zo.

- Hi.
I can't believe I won.

- And...
you're not going alone.

- You're going?
- We're going.

- But how did you--
- The movie studio

gave my dad two tickets--
one to raffle off,

and then my dad
gave this one to me.

Wanna go together?
- Yes.

- Awesome. Friday night.

[chuckles]

- How incredible is this?

- Very incredible.

- A little too incredible.

- Too incredible?

- Oh, don't act all dumb.

- Your little boy buddy
rigged the raffle.

- What do you mean rigged it?

He couldn't do that
even if he wanted to.

- He's Dean Rivers' son.

He got me a new mattress.

- And he got us
a big new fridge.

- With an ice maker.

LOLA: If he can do that stuff,

he can sure rig a raffle
so you win.

- Which he did.
- Oh, come on.

There's a big difference
between

doing you guys
a couple of favors

and him rigging a raffle.

And I'm a little offended
that you'd accuse him of that.

- Well, we're a little offended
he did it.

- Let's go.

- Have fun in Hollywood.

♪ ♪

[pins clattering]

MAN: Oh, here comes
the bowling ball!

Here comes the bowling ball!
[laughter]

Hopping! I'm hopping!

I'm hopping!
[shouting]

- Yeah. That's pretty close.

- It's not close.

It's almost exactly the same.

Of course, they're suing us.

They have every right
to sue us.

- But I don't wanna be sued.

[TV switches off]

I'm too young for suin'.

[door clicks open]

- What up, girly girls?

- We're about to make you
a girly girl!

- Why the hostility?

- You stole that idea.
- What idea?

- Two bowling pins
scared of a ball

that's about to hit 'em?

- They did it on
Friday Night Live.

- I know. It was awesome.

I laughed my butt off.
Ha!

MICHAEL: Dude!

- Why would you pitch us
an idea

you saw someone else do?

- 'Cause I was tired,
and you clowns

were keepin' me up.

- Where are you goin'?

- The lounge,
to pass out more of my

Dancing With Logan DVDs
to girls.

- Okay, you are
the worst roommate ever.

- But I am good-lookin'.

- I can't believe him.

- I'm really upset.

[door clicks open]

- I am really upset.

- Wow, that was weird.

- What are you
ticked off about?

- Yeah, I heard you won
that raffle thing.

You should be psyched.
- I was psyched

till Quinn and Lola accused
Lance of rigging the raffle.

- Who's Lance?
- Dean Rivers' kid,

the guy Zoey's been
going out with.

- Yeah, and just 'cause
he's Dean Rivers' son

and he's going, they think that
he rigged the raffle

so he and I could go together.

- Well, did he rig it?

- No, he wouldn't do that.

- Then who cares what
Quinn and Lola think?

- I have to live with them.

[sighs]
Should I not go?

- Nah, they're just mad
'cause they didn't win.

- Yeah, you'd be crazy
not to go.

I mean, come on, a limo,

a big premiere in Hollywood--

- I know. I'm going.

And I'm gonna go pick out
something to wear,

and it's gonna be super cute.

How about that?

- Super cute.

- Hey, hey.

- Hey, hey, what?

- Zoey's going to L.A.
Friday night in a limo.

Lot of room in a limo.

- So?
- So we hide in the back,

go to L.A., and we explain
to the producers

of Friday Night Live
that it was an honest mistake,

that we didn't mean
to steal their idea.

- Interesting.

- Oh, ho-ho!

- Oh, ho-ho-ho!

- Oh, ho-ho!

- Huh-huh!

♪ ♪

SINGERS: ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

- Hi.
- Ready, Teddy?

- Ready, ready.
- [chuckles]

♪ ♪

ZOEY: Oh, my God.
Look at this limo.

♪ ♪

- Ah!
- Oh, ho!

♪ ♪

MAN:
♪ Which way I treat her ♪

♪ I still need her ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I'm searching for the key ♪

♪ Secrets stare back at me ♪

♪ But I know it's worth it,
see ♪

♪ When she's... ♪

- [laughing] No way.

- I swear.
I thought I was gonna fall off.

[laughter]

I cannot believe how cool
this limo is.

- Yeah, lot of room.

- I know. You could
land a helicopter in here.

- Oh! Huh!

- Shh! Shh!

[telephone rings]

- Hey, Gus,

we in L.A. yet?

- Yep.
We'll be at the premiere

in about five minutes.

- Great.

- Oh!
- You kicked me in the mouth!

- [grunts] Ohh-ho!

- Shh! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet!

Shh!
[brakes squeal softly]

- Hey, we're at a stoplight.

- Dude, let's bail.

Come on.

♪ ♪

MAN:
♪ I'm searchin' for the key ♪

♪ Secrets stare back at me ♪

♪ I know it's worth it,
see ♪

♪ When she smiles... ♪

♪ ♪

[music fades]

- Come on!
Let's get to the TV studio.

Come on!

[horn honks]

- I gotta tell you.

This is the coolest night ever.

- Yeah.

"Lucky" you won the raffle.

- Uh, why did you put
the air quotes around "lucky"?

- Come on, you know
why you won, right?

- Yeah, I had
the winning ticket.

LANCE: [chuckles] Yeah.

'Cause I rigged it,
so we could go together.

How romantic am I?

- Lance.
LANCE: What?

- You rigged the raffle?

- Yeah.

You can do
that kind of stuff

when you're
the son of the dean.

- Dean Rivers knows?

- No.
Why would I tell my dad?

Hey, you think we'll be able

to get Bruce Vilanch's
autograph?

- You can. I'm not going.

- What's your problem?

- You rigged the raffle.
That's wrong.

- Uh, you didn't
have a problem

with me gettin' your friends

a new mattress
and a big refrigerator.

- That didn't
take away anything

from someone else.
[scoffs]

You know, my roommates
accused you of doing this,

and I defended you.
- Zoey.

- Just go to the premiere
by yourself.

- Fine. Whatever.

- Whatever.

♪ ♪

- Arg..yle sweater!

MAN: [over PA]
Does anyone have eyes

on Robin Weiner?

I need Robin
in the booth now.

ROBIN: [over radio]
On my way.

♪ ♪

- There.
That guy over there

is the executive producer.

MICHAEL:
How do you know that's him?

CHASE: I've seen him interviewed
a bunch of times.

- You're having a problem
with my "arg"?

- Yes.

- Come on.

- This is unbelievable.

- What is unbelievable?
- I'm a professional!

You're telling me
how to say "arg."

CARLTON: Yes, but you gotta
hold it out longer.

CHASE: Uh...
- It's "Arrg!"

Just say it
the way I tell you.

- [scoffs]

- Excuse me? Mr. Carlton?

- Yeah? Who are you?

- My name is Chase Matthews,

and this is my friend
Michael Barret.

- That's a handsome sport coat.

What's that made of?
Sateen?

- What, did you guys sneak out
of the audience

or something? 'Cause I really
don't have time for

this kind of--
- We're the guys you're suing.

- [laughing] Well, could you
narrow it down a little?

I'm suing a lot of guys.

- Uh...
bowling pins?

Scared of the ball hitting 'em?

- On ToonJuice.com?

- Ah, I see.

Well, I hope you two
got a really good lawyer

'cause you totally ripped off
that sketch.

- We didn't know we stole it
from your show.

- [sighs]
We're really sorry.

- So you think I'm just gonna
let you get away

with ripping off
our bowling pin sketch

just 'cause you're sorry?

- Hey, hey, Dave.
Cool off, will ya?

- Oh, hey,
you're Topher Lane!

You're Puke Man.

He's the superhero
who pukes all over the bad guys.

I love that sketch.
- Thanks.

- Don't thank them.
They'll probably steal it.

They already stole
our bowling pin sketch.

- Oh, come on.
Like we were the first show

to do
the scared bowling pins?

- What are you talking about?

- Yeah, what are you
talking about?

- Dude, they did the same bit

on The d*ck Van d*ke Show
in '65.

And I'm pretty sure Sid Caesar
did it before that.

- Seriously?

- Yeah, seriously.

It's a classic.

MICHAEL: Well, well, well.

About that lawsuit...

- All right, all right,
forget the lawsuit.

I'll call off our lawyers.

- Thank you.
- Oh, thanks, man!

- Hey, George, Amy,
hurry it up.

We got the dolphin sketch up
in about 90 seconds.

[dolphins squealing]

[muttering] Have to
embarrass me like that for?

- Uh, dolphins!

I told you the dolphins
are funny.

[chuckles]
- You never mentioned dolphins.

- Oh! Oh!

Oh, ho! Oh!

[man singing indistinctly]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[cell phone beeping]

[cheerful song
playing over cell phone]

- No.

[phone beeps]

[sighs]

[upbeat song
playing over cell phone]

That's a good ringtone.

[door clicks open]

- Hey, there.

LOLA: Well, look who's back.
- What are you doing here?

- Shouldn't you be at
your fancy Hollywood premiere?

- I didn't go.

- Why not?

- 'Cause you guys were right.

Lance rigged the raffle.

- He told you?

- Yeah.
He thought it was funny.

- So what'd you do?

- Came back here.

I'm sorry. I should have
listened to you guys.

[both sigh]

- Well, you were just blinded
by his cuteness.

- And, look, we could have
been nicer about it.

It wasn't your fault, really.

- I guess.

Dancing With Logan?

What is this?

- He made a video
of himself dancing.

- And he's giving it out
to girls all over campus

so they can dance with him
virtually.

- [chuckles]
- No way.

What girl would want this?

[dance music playing]

MAN: ♪ The concept of love ♪

♪ ♪

- Oh, Logan.

You're so hot.

♪ ♪

That's right!

Shake it, baby!

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

[murmuring]

Oh, back up.
Ouch!

[country music playing]

Oh, country western!

Ooh! Ah!

I love lassos!

♪ ♪

WOMAN: ♪ If you wanna play ♪

♪ Come and play today ♪

♪ Let's just get away, yeah ♪

♪ I will make you see ♪

♪ All of the things ♪

♪ That you can be ♪

♪ Believe in yourself ♪

♪ Come follow me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

[ding]

MAN: Mmm.

- I laughed my butt off.