05x03 - Fool's Gold

[bunniefuu]

This is me, Eliza Thornberry,

part of your average family.

I got a dad, a mom, and a sister.

There is Donnie-- we found him.

and Darwin? He found us.

[jabbering]

Oh, yeah, about our house-- it moves

'cause we travel all over the world.

You see, my dad hosts this nature show

and my mom sh**t it.

Okay, so we're not that average.

[panting]

And between you and me

something amazing happened...

and now I can talk to animals.

It's really cool

but totally secret.

And you know what?

Life's never been the same.

SHANE: Yo, Donnie, my man!

Need the hair mousse now!

[babbling]

[laughs]

Oh, check it out, Dar.

The old Fool's Paradise Mine

is only a couple of miles from here.

And a surprise awaits me

only a couple of inches from here.

[giggles]

Well, Shane's totally into going.

Even though it doesn't have real gold,

it does have pyrite-- fool's gold.

ELIZA: There's a tunnel that has so much,

the walls look like they're paved in gold.

[groans in disgust]

What's that supposed to be?

A project for my art class--

not that you know anything about art.

Doesn't look like you do, either.

SHANE: D-Man, that's my last tube!

Okay, girls, your father and I are off to film Dall sheep.

[grunting]

Great, see you later-- have fun!

I'm not asking you to come along.

Dall sheep are supposed to be really skittish,

so wouldn't more people just make them more nervous?

Excellent point!

They are rather famous for their fragile demeanor.

Why, the slightest commotion sends them scattering,

which is why I plan on being as quiet as...

Dad, no!

[clanks]

Oh, dear!

So sorry, Deborah.

[groans]

It took me, like, two hours

to create that abstract sculpture.

Is that what it was?

I'm just always so impressed

at how inventive you can be, Debbie.

[happily]: Well, like, what can I say?

I'm a born artist.

Good save, Marianne.

We'll see you at dinner.

NIGEL: Have fun, Poppets,

and keep up the good work entertaining our guests.

You're both so charming,

I don't know which of you

Shane enjoys spending time with more.

Me, of course!

Hello?!

Shane's going with me to find the gold mine.

Only because I haven't asked him

to stay and help me with my sculpture.

He won't-- he likes doing the things I like to do.

That's why he's always hanging out with me.

[sarcastically]: Hello!? Romance .

You win over the big sister by kissing up to the little sister.

[spits]

[gasps]

Ugh!

[screams]

[screams]

[jabbers]

[shouts]

[jabbers triumphantly]

Okay, okay, you win, D-man.

My mousse is your mousse.

We got to get going, Shane.

DEBORAH: Uh, Shane, I really need your help.

I have to create

an abstract sculpture for class

inspired by found objects,

e-mail a photo by tomorrow.

Oh, Shane!

We are only going to be here one day!

Hang on, Eliza--

found objects, right?

Uh-huh.

Here's your problem.

This is old stuff

you dragged out of the commvee.

That's where I found it.

Check out what's around you, Debbie.

The Great Outdoors is where you find inspiration.

Debbie's only inspired by the Great Indoors.

[yelling]: Not true! I love nature!

See? All natural.

Shane, we really need to get moving.

It's going to take us a while to find the mine, and...

That's it, the mine!

You'll just have to come with us.

But she...

Good thinking, Eliza,

we'll get cool stuff for the sculpture,

track down the mine, sh**t some video.

It's exactly the kind of inspiration we're all here for.

Time to face facts, little sister, Shane likes me.

He invited you along with us, not him.

Details.

Hey, Shane, wait up!

[chattering]

Come on.

I don't think there is a surprise in there.

[whistles]

Hey, check it out, Debbie!

Oh, yeah, an old branch... cool.

It's a moose antler, Miss "Great Outdoors."

It... it's not, like, alive, right?

They fall off once a year.

It's perfect for your sculpture.

Come on, let me lift it out.

But it's all... gunky.

I'll help you, Shane.

[shouts]: It's my sculpture, Eliza,

and my found objects.

Here I come, Shane.

[yelps]

[phonily]: This is so much fun!

[distant animal roars]

[laughs]

[laughs in a forced way]

She is so faking this.

[animal roars]

[roars]

[Shane and Debbie laugh]

[roars]

[snorts]

Hold on, stop!

It's okay.

Shane, Debbie, drop the antler!

Nice try...

[screams]

[moans]

[gasps, sighs]

[moose snuffles]

ELIZA: Sorry... sorry,

they were just fooling around.

I'm afraid I don't find your games amusing.

Another moose has been trying to claim this area.

Oh, hoo, we'd never do that.

We-we're just passing through.

[snorts]

Someone woke up on the wrong side

of the bog this morning.

I bet Debbie's completely freaked out.

She probably wants to go back to camp!

[Debbie and Shane laugh]

[they keep laughing]

I'd love video of the look on your face

when you saw that moose.

And the look onyourface.

[both laugh]

SHANE: And the look onyourface.

We're wasting time, here, guys.

[laughs]

[fake screams]

[Shane and Debbie laugh]

[they keep laughing]

I'm getting the camera out

so I don't miss another Debbie screamfest.

[laughs]

[keeps laughing]

ELIZA: Hey, I have the map, remember?

[jabbering]

The narrow hooves of the Dall sheep

make it easy for these agile creatures

to flee into the nooks and crannies of the cliffs

at the slightest indication of danger.

This is nature's clever way of protecting them from predators.

[bug buzzing]

Huh? huh?

What was that?

I'm not sure, my love.

Ah, well, let's try it again.

The narrow... hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm.

Is that a mosquito?

[bugs buzzing loudly]

[muttering]

Get them out of here!

Nigel, what do we do?

Mosquitoes are known

to be attracted to strong, sweet scents.

Perhaps I can lure them away with my strawberry jam sandwich.

[groans]

[groaning]

Quick, Marianne!

I'll keep the nasty creatures at bay while you film the sheep.

[swarm buzzes]

[Nigel groaning]

MARIANNE: Oh, too late.

[Nigel groaning]

[jabbering]

Oh, we must be getting close,

because the map shows the mine

is right off this creek.

Check it out!

[jabbers]

[drums]

Nice rhythm!

[jabbers]

Fool's Paradise-- this is it!

SHANE: Cool!

ELIZA: Come on, let's go in.

Uh, it looks awfully dark...

and dirty.

You don't want to go in there, Shane.

Are you kidding?

You can wait out here, Debbie.

We don't mind.

Wait a minute, Shane,

if you film some sh*ts

of the creeping everything,

it would sort of, like, set the scene.

Right?

I like the way you think, girl.

Shane...

Go ahead, Eliza, we'll catch up with you.

But the tunnel with the pyrite--

you wanted to see it.

Eliza, Shane said we'd catch up with you.

[angrily]: Well, I'm going in.

Come on, Darwin.

SHANE: Great, great! Hold it higher.

[Debbie and Shane laugh]

DEBBIE: Oh, Shane!

ELIZA: I can't believe Shane's really interested

in somebody so shallow.

I can't believe my own sister would be so selfish.

[softer]: Actually, I can believe that part.

DARWIN: Eliza, we should slow down.

Debbie and Shane won't be able to find us,

we've turned down so many different tunnels.

ELIZA: I have to find the one with fool's gold ore.

It's the only way to make Shane

forget about Debbie.

Dar, why the tracks end...

[screams]

Eliza!

Where are... [screams]

[Eliza grunts]

[grunts again]

[Darwin chatters]

[keeps chattering]

[whimpers]

[groans]

ELIZA: Help!

Help!

Help!

[jabbers]

[puffs]

Great effect, Donnie.

ELIZA [inside cave]: Help!

[gasps]: That's Eliza!

You think she's just fooling around?

ELIZA: Help!

No, I know Eliza's fooling-around scream,

and that is not it.

ELIZA: How deep is it? Can you see?

I don't know, I don't want to find out.

I can't pull us both up, Darwin.

Try, Eliza, please!

[groans]

[timber groans]

[groans, screams]

Eliza!

[whimpers]

Hold on, Dar, we're going down.

[both yell]

[both groan]

[gasps]: Darwin, this light

was below us the whole time.

How was I to know?

Everything's so dark in here.

ELIZA: Look, Dar,

they started another tunnel.

Oh, I bet there are tons of them

running off this shaft!

Lovely...

How do we get out of here?

I don't know.

ELIZA [calling]: Debbie!

Shane!

NIGEL: I think we're far enough away

so that the sheep won't notice our movements now.

MARIANNE: Nigel, try not to scratch, don't stand up--

you're moving out of frame.

Actually, dearest, it's quite the other way around.

Nigel, I'm sinking.

Of course, it's the summer thaw!

Uh, Nigel...

The melting snow

waters this dry, rocky surface

and brings on the stunning blooms

of the purple mountain saxifrage...

Nigel...

...once again,

nature at her most brilliant.

Nigel! Nature's swallowing me alive!

Hold on, my love... I have you!

[grunts]

[both grunt]

[they keep grunting]

[panting]

Oh, no, not again.

[sheep bleating]

Eliza!

Where are you?

Eliza!

[screaming]

Now which way do we go?!

Eliza!

Can you hear us?

ELIZA:Debbie!

Eliza!

Eliza!

Here!

We're down here!

[Debbie and Shane panting]

Just don't fall!

SHANE: Oh, no!

[screams]

[thud]

Eliza, are you okay?

[Donnie shrieks]

Yeah, are you?

Uh-huh.

Man, it was pretty scary

hearing you yell like that.

You planned this whole thing.

You'll doanything to get Shane's attention.

That's not true, I...

SHANE: Hey!

We can use this to climb back up--

it should reach.

Think it will hold us.

Then let's get out of here.

I'm with you.

Wait, I think see something.

I don't see anything.

Let's go!

Wait, I got a monster spotlight

on my video camera.

It's the tunnel lined with fool's gold.

Okay, we've seen it.

Can we just get out of here?

We got to check it out, Debbie.

It's why Eliza and I

wanted to come here in the first place.

Eliza, this is totally awesome.

You're totally awesome.

No... you're totally awesome.

No, you're totally awesome.

Look, it's not real gold,

so can we just get going already?

Maybe we should take a piece, you know, as a souvenir.

[both grunting]

Oh, they're wedged in too deep.

Oh, man.

I'll get a piece for you, Shane.

Debbie, I don't think...

[Debbie yells]

Okay, I want out of here now!

Now where do we go?

I'm not sure.

We're going to be stuck in here forever, I know it!

Hey, wait, what's that?

[laughs]

D-man, you've done it again.

[chuckling]

I'm brimming with confidence this time, Marianne.

The Dall sheep come to the mineral lick below us

to replenish the minerals

they've lost during the winter.

Not only will we be completely out of sight

of the sensitive creatures,

but these licks often attract multiple herds at once.

We could strike ovine gold!

Good idea, Nigel.

We just have to keep our eyes...

[yells]

Nigel!

[both yelling]

So much for keeping out of sight.

Well, at least the camera is still in one piece.

Fortunately, the mineral lick

is really just mineral-rich dirt.

So it softened our landing and, um...

[tasting]

provided us with a daily multivitamin.

[guffaws]

I wasn't really worried.

I knew Shane would get us out.

[Donnie muttering]

SHANE: There it is, the entrance!

[struggles]

[rumbling]

Shane, look what I...

Get out of here, now!

[crashing and screaming]

[crashing and yelling]

Wow, that was close.

Hey, are you guys okay?

Eliza!

Oh, no, Dar, Donnie, help me!

Shane, Debbie, are you all right?!

We have to get them out of there, Eliza.

But even if we move

all this dirt and rock out of the way,

there's still this!

I suppose all three of us

might be strong enough...

I'll be right back.

Keep digging!

[struggling]

Ow!

Keep digging.

Hello, I'm breaking fingernails here.

Come on, Debbie, if Eliza were here,

she'd be doing everything she could to get us out.

Look at how she faced down that moose.

Oh, please, I could have done that

if I knew how to t...

Knew how to what?

How to, um,

scare off mooses, meese, whatever.

[groans]

Does my face look any different to you?

I'm still me, aren't I?

Who else would you be?

I don't know.

[laughs]

Not a baboon, that's for sure.

Don't go cracking up on me, Debbie.

Hello, don't I look calm?

[electrical buzzing]

[screams]

Get me out of here!

Oh, brother.

Hey!

[thud]

[moose snorting]

I'm trying to defend my territory here!

But I need your help!

[snorting]

I don't have time for this.

Get out of here!

Do you hear me?!

Go, this is not your territory!

[snorts]

That was unbelievable...

a human helped me protect my territory.

I'm desperate.

Now, let's go!

When I tell you to,

pull as hard as you can.

Okay... go!

[struggling]

[coughing]

Are you guys okay?

[sobbing]

Do you know how many hot-oil treatments

it's going to take

to get my wave perfect again?

She's okay and so am I.

It looks like we'll never see

that special tunnel again.

Now, I really wish I'd gotten a souvenir.

Why? To remind you

of our intense experience together?

It was more than intense, it was... inspiring!

[gasps]

You can get a song out of it?Uh-huh.

Thanks for your help.

[snorts]

So, I'll be in the song, right?

You're interrupting my flow here.

Oh, sorry.

[sighs]

What, not happy you saved them?

No, not happy they're happy.

[Donnie yelling]

Donnie? Bath?

[jabbering]

Thanks for getting us, you know, out of there.

It was a little scary

when the light flickered on Shane's camera

but, you know, I stayed cool.

At least you got to spend

some one-on-one time with your boyfriend.

[Shane and Donnie laughing]

Please, he may be a famous celebrity

and really cute and unbelievably rich

and super-talented and everything,

but, when you get to know him,

he's just so... he's like you,

really into all this nature stuff.

Okay, so, you don't really like-like Shane,

but he still like-likes you.

Oh, then how come the whole time

we were stuck in the mine

all he'd do is talk about you?

He knew how you'd get us out of there,

how cool it is that you're so brave,

how he's learned so much from you,

blah, blah, blah.

He likes you, Eliza.

In fact, I think he like-likes you.

What?

No way.

Yes! And you like-like him, too!

Shh!

I knew it!

♪ Eliza's first boyfriend!

♪ Shane G.!

Oh, you have no idea how weird that sounds.

Look, Deb, Ido like-like him.

But you're not going to tell anyone, are you?

Well...

Oh, don't worry,

your secret is safe with me.

Just like that other one!

Thanks, Deb.

You know, you're pretty cool.

Hello?

Like there was ever a question?

[sneezing]

You know, the mud actually makes

the mosquito bites feel better.

Oh, Nature, she may sting with one hand,

but invariably delivers a balm with the other.

Well, I guess she does know best.

If for some reason, Nature doesn't want us

to film the Dall sheep,

who are we to argue?Marianne...

After all, Nigel, we shouldn't fight nature

or try to control it.Dearest...

Isn't that the message of our show, after all?

Shh!Nigel, why are you...

Behind me, you see the pristine, white coats

and beautiful, amber horns of the Dall sheep--

Ovis dalli dalli--a subspecies of the bighorn sheep.

SHANE: Looks totally... avant garde.

That's good, right?

It's what I want to do musically.

I don't know, it's still not right.

It's so... earth-toned.

Wait, I know what it needs.

It's the piece I found,

um... on our way out.

Cool, thanks.

[gasps]

Oo, perfect!

Glads it up a bit!

[squeals]

I call it...

uh...

um...

Oh, who cares?

They didn't say you had to name it.

[shutter clicks]

[Shane imitating animal]

DEBBIE: You have no idea how weird that sounds.