05x05 - Sir Nigel

[bunniefuu]

This is me, Eliza Thornberry,

part of your average family.

I got a dad, a mom and a sister.

There is Donnie-- we found him.

And Darwin? He found us.

[jabbering]

Oh, yeah, about our house-- it moves,

'cause we travel all over the world.

You see, my dad hosts this nature show,

and my mom sh**t it.

Okay, so we're not that average.

And between you and me,

something amazing happened...

and now I can talk to animals.

It's really cool,

but totally secret.

And you know what?

Life's never been the same.

DEBBIE: Donnie, get back here!

[Donnie jabbering]

Hello!

Can I have a little help getting the wild child dressed?

Sure, Deb, no problem.

He went that way.

You are such a dweeb.

Uh, Scotland-- craggy peaks, murky bogs...

nothing like that sandstorm in the Sahara

that nearly buried us alive three weeks ago.

[jabbering]

[sighs with frustration]

Dad, did you have to remind him?

Well done, Donnie.

That's the kind of recall memory that some...

got me remembering

all of the things we need to do in Scotland,

like film golden eagles

in the Cairngorm National Nature Reserve...

That footage for the protected species special

is due next week.

visit my parents...

Oh, I just love your father.

And, uh, there was one other thing.

What was it?

Nigel, you're to be knighted

by the queen of England

for exceptional service to the Crown.

Of course.

Thank you for reminding me, dearest.

Except someone needs to tell the queen

that you were my knight first.

Oh, Marianne.

So, Dad, if you're, like, a knight,

does that mean I'm royalty?

Um, well, you'll always be a princess to me.

Totally not the same thing.

My dad, a sir?

That sounds pretty stuffy for someone

who loves living with his family in the wild.

Wild is vastly overrated.

Believe me, I know.

I've eaten insects off a stick.

[gobbling]

Not chimp chatting again, are you?

Try not to embarrass me

in front of Grandmomsey and the colonel

with your primate prattle, geek girl.

Well, at least I can hold

a conversation.

You can't... even...

That'sThornberry Hall?

[girls gasp in awe]

Looks more like Thornberry Castle.

I do believe this is the first time

I haven't stepped out of the commvee

and into possible danger.

Nigel!

Looks like you spoke too soon.

Ooh, thank goodness you're well.

Let me look at you.

What ho!

Oh! He's not going to...

Fear not, dearest.

Dad was a colonel in the RAF, remember?

Deborah!

Grandmomsey!

[kissing affectionately]

[seriously]: Elizabeth.

Oh, hi, Grandmomsey.

Why, you're practically in tatters.

Marianne!

Hello, Cordelia.

[Donnie jabbering]

Is this the proper way to raise children?

It's nottheway, but it'soneway.

[gasps]

[Donnie jabbering]

[crash]

Well done, Dad.

My boy.

Okay, girls, let's show your grandparents

how we work together to unload the commvee.

Um... or we could let the servants do it.

And this is where you'll be staying, Deborah.

[gasps]

You mean I get to stay here all by myself?

No sister, no chimp, no sister with chimp.

Of course!

That's not a problem, is it?

[Debbie whooping]

Yes!

Uh, no problem at all.

We have a private bath with a huge tub

and little soap shaped like seashells.

Oh, isn't it wonderful?

I guess, if you like taking baths indoors and sleeping in a bed.

Oh, I do.

Well, I don't.

And don't get too comfortable

because as soon as I'm unpacked, we're going out to...

CORDELIA: Tea will be served

in minutes, Elizabeth.

I expect you to be prompt.

[sighs]

[squeals, then grunts]

Too late, chimp boy.

[Donnie jabbering]

CORDELIA: What do you mean, I'm not permitted

at the knighting?

The letter was firm, Cordelia.

Only three witnesses are allowed

at the investiture-- Debbie, Eliza and myself.

Well, I have every intention of being there.

I must know someone who can get me in.

The earl of Cheswick owes me a favor or two.

[Donnie jabbering]

[bagpipes blowing]

[gobbling]

[bagpipes playing]

Radcliffe,

the indoors is no place to make that ridiculous noise.

[bagpipes slow, then stop]

Yo, Dad, what's with the skirt?

[Nigel chuckling]

It's not a skirt; it's a kilt.

Dad, what do you say we take the girls

on a tour of my old stomping grounds?

Absolutely.

Poppet...

You shall finish your tea first, young lady.

Then you may accompany your father and grandfather.

Debbie, you finished your tea...

DEBBIE:Pass.

Well, of course you do.

[bagpipe sounds sporadically]

[jabbering]

Donnie, I can always count on you.

[Donnie jabbers; bagpipes resume playing]

[slurping]

I plan on soaking up

as many creature comforts as possible.

But you're not one of them, so move it!

Deborah, you did not come all the way to Scotland

just to lay about.

You also want to meet

some nice girls your own age

and do some shopping, don't you?

Get some decent clothes.

After all, dear,

it's why grandmomsies have platinum cards.

Debbie's clothes are just fine.

No, they're not!

Your children are about to join civil society--

an event which is, frankly, long overdue.

If this is about Nigel's knighthood,

it won't do you...

I am not talking about the knighthood.

I'm talking about the professorship.

What professorship?

I've heard from the duke of Clevewood

who's dear friends with a dear friend

of the chancellor of Oxford University.

Because of the knighthood,

they intend to offer Nigel

a rather prestigious professorship.

You shall all be settling down in England--

permanently.

Dad.

DEBBIE: No way!

We're going to stay here?

Yes, and I do wish you'd stop shouting.

Elizabeth, come back here.

Can't.

[bagpipes droning]

I think the lad's got real talent.

Dad, Grandmomsey said Oxford University

was going to offer you a professorship

and that we'd stay here forever,

but you're not going to take it, are you?

A professorship?

At Oxford?

Where did she hear all this?

Oh, from some duke.

[both laugh knowlingly]

MacTavish.

Not that gamekeeper from next door.

He's putting traps out for foxes.

Blast him!

And on my grounds, no less.

[Donnie jabbering]

Your grandfather is quite fierce

when it comes to protecting animals.

In fact, this is where he and I took care

of all the sick and injured ones we found.

Hawks, hedgehogs, foxes--

nursed each and every one of them back to health.

I want to tell you a secret,

but I'm afraid you might laugh.

I'd never laugh.

Well, when I was a boy,

I used to pretend I could talk to animals

and they could talk to me.

Really?

I couldn't, of course, not really.

Oh, you love animals, don't you?

Oh, indeed I do.

The only thing I love more

is my family.

About this job--

your grandmother means well, poppet,

but try not to mind her too much.

It's just a lot of wishful thinking on her part.

There's been a lot of that on my behalf over the years.

[sighs affectionately]

Oh, you look almost as good as I did

when I used to wear it.

Oh.

We're not stopping till we find wildlife, Dar.

I mean, it's been three days.

Grandmomsey's kept Mom and Dad so busy

having tea with dukes and earls,

it's like they've forgotten all about their work.

GIRL: And I have to warn you, Debbie,

it isn't easy having a father who's a knight.

Mine was knighted three years ago,

and it's been nothing but parties ever since.

Oh, the clothes you have to buy for them.

Oh, it's so boring.

Oh, I know, Stella.

Whee!

You are so yesterday's lunch meat.

Should I take him off your hands?

Uh... yes.

Come along, young Donnie.

[jabbering]

[humming cheerfully]

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Did you know she could do that?

I have never seen her do that.

Come on.

Yes, especially after he'd met you, Nigel.

However, Lord Pensely Onstout

has assured me a seat at the investiture.

He just needs to put a call into the Lord Chamberlain's office.

I'll be back later!

NIGEL: Have fun, poppet!

Honestly,

the way those girls are being raised!

oh, I don't worry about Deborah, but Elizabeth...

Is it true her only companion is that chimpanzee?

Eliza has plenty of friends.

I mean, there's... and, um... oh... oh, what was her name?

Sorry to interrupt, Momsy,

but Marianne and I are on something of a working holiday.

And we've been doing too much socializing.

We have golden eagles to film.

CORDELIA: Well, golden eagles do not get one into investitures.

Marianne, I want to talk to you

about the professorship my son might be offered.

The operative word being "might."

Be that as it may, it would be the perfect opportunity

for the girls to settle down and receive a proper education.

You're in danger of raising two misfits!

Uh, Nigel.

Dearest.

What if this professorship offer isn't just gossip?

What if it's true?

Do you think you should take it?

Maybe it is time to put down roots

for the sake of the children.

Debbie'd be all for it,

but we'd never convince Eliza.

Well, perhaps she'd be opposed to it

because she doesn't know what she's missing--

a regular school life, parties, human friends.

They are at that age when peers become so important.

I worry we're leaving them unprepared for the real world.

It was our decision to live this life, not theirs.

Except... I love this life.

But, my love, there is no professorship.

[chuckles]

Oh, Momsy-- she certainly has a way

of working her way under one's skin, hasn't she?

[chuckles]

Good thing she's my mother.

Otherwise, I might be terribly annoyed.

Now, if I were a golden eagle, where would I be?

[Eliza panting]

The problem is, Dar, we haven't been climbing high enough.

This is Ben Macdui, one of the tallest mountains here.

[eagle shrieks]

[Darwin cries out]

ELIZA: Hey, come back!

I'm Eliza.

I've never talked to one of you before.

Now get off my mountain!

Your mountain!

I don't see your name etched in stone anywhere.

[mumbling]

[laughs nervously]

However, I could be wrong.

Let's go, Eliza.

Cool it, Dar.

Even if you do live up here,

it doesn't mean you have the right to chase us off.

Brianag and I have a family to protect,

and you humans are nothing but trouble--

always bothering us in our nests!

Oh, how true.

Come along, Eliza.

I'm sorry you feel that way about humans.

I mean, I understand, but...

I don't understand.

I mean, who does that eagle think he is anyway?

DARWIN: One that doesn't like humans.

He couldn't have been any clearer.

I just don't want him to think we're all bad.

[Donnie jabbering]

I've just had it with that MacTavish.

What's wrong?

Now I've found out

that he's put out a dead sheep laced with poison.

I've got to alert the authorities

of the Cairngorm Nature Reserve

so they can go look for it.

Why would he do that?

Another way to destroy foxes.

MacTavish hates them,

thinks they're k*lling off all his lambs.

But they only go after ones that are dying anyway.

But that old slug won't listen to reason.

[jabbering]

Hold on there, lad.

Where are you going?

The dining room's that way.

It's the MacTavishes of the world

that give us a bad name.

We have to convince the eagles

not all humans are like that.

You mean, you have to convince himyouaren't like that.

[chirping]

[Eliza panting]

Okay, I know you didn't want me coming up here again, but...

Wh... where's your mate?

Conal's getting food.

He found a dead sheep.

Oh, no, that sheep's poisoned.

It'll k*ll him if he eats it.

You've got to find him.

I can't leave my eaglet

alone with a human!

You're going to have to.

Conal will die if he eats that sheep.

We'll take care of your eaglet,

I promise.

Where do you think you're going?

Watch the eaglet, Dar.

I've got to get my family to help.

They need to be reminded what the Thornberrys are about

for their sake and the eagles.

But I thought we were going to watch him together.

Eliza!

DARWIN [screaming]: Eliza!

DARWIN: Well, this is typical.

Once again, I've been left all alone to mind the unhatched,

or rather recently hatched.

Oh, but you are cute, aren't you?

[cheeps]

[thunder roars]

[screams]

[whimpering]

[brakes squeal]

Nigel, you have a call on the shortwave.

Oh, dear.

Thanks.

[panting]

[jabbering]

Debbie, have you seen Eliza?

I think there's a storm coming.

[squealing]

Please, she's been through every kind of storm ever invented.

CORDELIA: There's a storm coming in.

Where's Elizabeth?

Debbie's about to go looking for her.

No can do, Mom.

The maid's drawing me a bath,

and then I'm meeting Stella in town.

It's not Deborah's job to watch over her sister.

Her job is to strive to become a young lady.

Right!

And striving I am.

[yells]

Give me that, creature!

[whines]

Oh, cool!

My new watch.

Dearest, you're not going to believe

who that was on the shortwave.

ELIZA [in distance]: Mom! Dad!

That sounded like Eliza.

[babbling]

ELIZA:Mom!

Dad!

Who's sounding the alarm?

Poppet, what is it?

I found some golden eagles, and I'm afraid

they'll eat the poison sheep.

We have to go look for it.

Let's go.

Nonsense!

Let the authorities take care of it.

We are the authorities, Cordelia.

[thunder rumbling]

[chirping]

[nervously]: We're going to be all right, little one.

Eliza will be back any minute.

[wind blows strongly]

[screams]

Yes, any minute.

However, if she thinks

I'm just going to sit up here in the rain...

I think I can find my way back.

You'll love Thornberry Hall.

It has soap shaped like seashells,

electric towel warmers, tea cozies, servants.

[chuckles]

Oh!

Is your life always like this?

Actually, this is pretty mild.

Isn't this watch great?

Teenage Wasteland named it

"must-have accessory" of the year.

It tells the time anywhere in the world.

Do you want to know the time in Tobago?

No!

[thunder crashes]

[grunts]

[all scream]

Well, I think it's for the best.

We should just sit here and quietly wait for the storm,

or my queasiness, to pass-- whichever comes first.

No, we can dig!

Excellent suggestion, Eliza.

But it's pouring out there.

This watch is only waterproof to three feet.

Debbie, eagles eat whether it's raining or not.

And who cares about your stupid watch?!

We so have nothing in common.

Look what this life is doing to your children.

What they need is a good long stay in a boarding school

to get them back on track.

How can you drag them about like this?

We do not drag them about!

Mom's right.

Actually, Grandmomsy, it's true.

They don't drag us about.

Thank you.

It's more like a forced march.

Debbie!

I'm tired of crisscrossing the world.

That may be your idea of a life, but it's not mine.

We'll talk about this later.

Why? I'm still going to feel the same.

You really need to think things through before...

I have been thinking... a lot.

And I say that after Dad gets knighted, we stay here...

permanently!

Uh, Nigel, aren't you going to say something?

Well, the funny thing is, we mayallbe staying.

BOTH: What?

It turns out Momsy heard correctly.

Oxford University called.

I've been offered a rather prestigious professorship

in their Animal Behavior Department.

But, Dad, I...

[gasps]

[all screaming]

NIGEL [whispering]: Limit ourselves to shallow breathing

and move quietly towards...

DEBBIE: Get me out of here!

[grunting]

[babbling]

[chuckles]

Talk about Thornberry luck!

The storm is down to a mere drizzle.

Dad.

I do apologize, poppet.

I got caught up in things when Debbie made her announcement.

I haven't accepted the job yet.

"Yet"?

You mean you might?

No one's mind is made up, Eliza, about anything!

Yes, it is.

Otherwise, you would have said no right away.

Poppet, this really isn't the time.

We have more immediate concerns.

And that's the poison sheep.

You may be too busy with teas and professorships

to care about animals, but not me.

Eliza, come back!

NIGEL: Eliza!

[thunder rumbles]

RADCLIFFE: What ho!