Melissa and Joey has been recorded in front of a live studio audience.
We're going to miss the council president's announcement.
I'm trying. My key's not working.
Wait, I've got an idea. My dad was a locksmith.
Um, did he also have a glass-repair business on the side?
What are you breaking into your own house for?!
My key didn't work!
Oh, I put a deadbolt on the door.
You're a public figure. We need better security around here.
Your new keys.
Thanks, just in time.
By the way, Stephanie breached your perimeter with her purse.
First swing! Pop!
( hip-hop music from tv )
Lennox, what is this?
Oh, it's awesome. You want to play with me?
It's a game called "just dance." we need the tv.
Just move.
You can't.
And yet...
( music stops )
Watch, this is one of the greatest moments of my life That I can talk about in front of minors.
Your aunt was the driving force Of the new humane animal shelter project, And the council president's about to talk about How awesome and wonderful and kind and generous...
Shut it, it's on!
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for being here.
We're here to announce that the city is committing funding For two new animal shelters here in Toledo!
( applause from tv )
I'd like to thank, naturally, my beautiful wife Sylvia, My staff members Erica and Martin, And of course the little dynamo Who was the inspiration for it all...
Oh, I like that!
Little dynamo... that could be my rap name.
...My dog Poncho.
And...?!
I think he's all done, Mel.
No he's not done. He can't be done.
That can't be it!
Well, that's it.
Thanks, everybody.
( poncho barking )
He thanked his dog?! What does a dog have to do with an animal shelter?
Oh, this bites!
Aunt Mel, you know what would really take your mind off this terrible terrible injustice?
( hip-hop music playing ) * Who let the dogs out? *
* woof woof woof woof *
* Who let the dogs out? *
Stephanie, smash the tv.
Oh no!
And it's gone...
The opportunity for me to be seen as the champion of animals, instead of... You know.
The duck punisher.
You wanna unpack that one for me?
It's actually pretty funny...
In a way that's not funny at all.
Unless you hate ducks.
I have nothing against ducks! They're cute.
And they're delicious.
Aunt Mel was on this boat where everybody Was celebrating the clean-up of the lake, When a duck flew right at her.
I bajly tapped it with my oar.
You'd think something Called a duck would know how to...
See? Not so hard.
Yeah, there were bloody feathers and duck bits everywhere.
And her approval rating went byooomp.
One question: When this tragic incident occurred, Was it duck season or wabbit season?
I was counting on the p.R. Spin from the animal shelter To help me out, but now we're back at square one.
And that's only because there isn't a square zero.
You need to be seen on tv doing something good.
Oh right, that's my job.
I could call my friend at "Toledo today."
Oh, that idiotic show?
I don't want to be in one of those vapid puff pieces.
Everybody watches it. Big numbers.
I love that show. Start dialing.
You're playing with fire, Burke.
When things blew up at scanlon trust, Those news people twisted everything I said around.
One reporter gets one sound bite of you saying, "I'm going to miss my porsche,"
And suddenly you're all over the internet As the douchy I'm-going- to-miss-my-porsche guy.
( scoffs ) please.
Look I'm not an amateur.
I'm the spinmeister.
I'll invite them over to my office, they'll interview me and they'll eat a tiny little message out of my hand.
Oh here! He's tiny little message. Num, num, num, num.
It ain't that easy, Burke. You can't script everything.
Num num.
Stephanie, get them on the phone.
Here's the headline: "Mel Burke: The senator's party-girl daughter has transformed herself And is bringing major change to Toledo."
By reducing the duck population?
That's a good one, man. If anything happens to me, it's nice to know you're here.
Stephanie, I've made some changes to Tuesday's speech To the hispanic society.
Make sure we thank todas en la iglesia para las flores.
When did you ever have the time to do this?
Do you ever sleep?
The city's problems never sleep. How can I?
Cut. Take five, guys.
Did I look spontaneous?
As many times as we rehearsed it, it was still a shocker.
Oh. I took that message of competence And civic responsibility and I made it my bitch!
Oh, Celeste, hey, so did you get some good stuff?
This all felt a little staged.
Really?
( forced laughter )
I mean, how did you get that?
Oh, Celeste, they've moved Mel's zoning hearing up to 2:00.
And guess who's presiding. Hola.
It sounds gripping. I'll let c.N.N. Get that one.
Celeste, I don't know if you've ever been to a zoning hearing, But when I run them, no one zones out!
Nah, I'm just not feeling the story yet.
It's got nothing to draw the viewer in.
Who are these kids?
Oh, that's my niece and nephew. They live with me.
Two typical teenagers... mom's in jail, Dad's on the lam, blah blah blah.
Of course! The innocent bystanders In lewis scanlon's great ponzi scheme.
( sniffs ) I smell story bacon.
Why don't I bring the crew over to your house this afternoon?
Oh no no no, the story lives right here.
Here... you know, tightly confined within these walls.
But hey, sure, let's go to the house.
Yeah, do it. Yeah.
That fire thing isn't a part of aunt Mel's approved kitchen decor.
She's not going to like it.
I think your aunt values her life more than she values her kitchen decor.
You've learned nothing in the time you've been here, have you?
Oh good, everybody's here.
Okay, now don't freak out, But coming to our house this afternoon: Celeste Vega.
I know, right?
Celeste Vega... Channel 8?
"Toledo today."
Is she the one who was standing in the hurricane when that stop sign hit her in the face?
Yeah and her hair stayed perfect the whole time.
So the reporter is coming over to the house?
I thought she was going to stay at your office.
I thought you were "controlling the message."
You know? Num num num.
I'm controlling it here.
Please, you guys, don't do or say anything to embarrass me.
Oh, you mean the way you embarrassed your dad when he was in office?
It's real simple, okay? Whenever you're getting out of any kind of vehicle, Wear underwear.
Look, the point is stay on message.
You don't have to worry about me. This is your deal.
I don't even exist.
Thank you.
I just don't want any surprises.
Fine.
Uh, what the hell is that scuba t*nk doing in my kitchen?
It's a fire extinguisher for your safety.
Okay well, it's not a part of my approved decor.
Can you make it disappear?
Joe longo, meet Mel Burke.
So, Lennox, your aunt has a colorful past.
You must've heard the stories or seen the racy pictures?
Come on. All those pictures were faked.
I mean, there's no way she ever looked that good.
But the important thing now is that she is a hard-working public official And I wear clothes all the time...
Especially when exiting a vehicle.
So, Ryder, are you rebellious like your aunt was at your age?
S-s-sure, Sure, but in a very controlled and responsible way.
Aunt Mel feels that rebellion can best be handled In a safe and loving home environment.
Although she's not here very often.
Because she works all the time.
Work work work. She loves america.
Mel Burke, how do you do it all?
I just do.
When I'm faced with a challenge, I rise to it.
It's like I tell everyone in my office: There are no problems, only opportunities.
Cookie?
How does someone as busy as you have time to bake cookies?
( kids laugh )
She doesn't even know where the kitchen is.
Yeah, Joe made these.
Who's Joe?
Are you hiding a man from us?
He's our... Nanny.
A male nanny? Well, let's meet him.
Oh, he doesn't like to, you know, talk to the media.
Which means you haven't given him his talking points?
What? Talking points?
I don't even know what that is.
Cut, boys.
Mel, can we have a minute?
All right.
Look, this whole cookie-baking thing is adorable.
But no one's buying it.
If I don't get something fresh and unrehearsed right about now, We're gonna rerun the old duck m*ssacre.
What do you say?
Wait, so you think this whole thing Has been one big set... I'll go get him.
C'mon, Joe, she's looking for story pork Or story beef or some kind of story meat.
The point is without you I'm a dead duck.
I feel for you, I really do.
Just not enough to help you out.
It'll just take a couple of minutes.
Yeah, That's what the reporter told me right before I became douchy porsche guy.
And here they are, the councilwoman and her cute guy nanny.
( scoffs ) okay.
Joe, please please?
Just two questions, that's all I'm asking. I'll do anything you want.
I'll cook dinner for you.
Don't you ever do that.
I will never cook you dinner.
All right, you've got two questions. sh**t.
So, Joe longo, what is it like to have Mel Burke as a boss?
Okay, first of all, I'm freelance.
Of course. But you used to work for scanlon trust.
Hey, I ran my division ethically and responsibly.
Scanlon took down so many innocent people, didn't he?
Don't try to twist my words around...
Yes. Yes, that's true.
But where others would be bitter, you've moved on.
Now you're a nanny.
Clearly, it takes a man who is totally secure In his masculinity to take on a job like this.
Actually, it does.
How do you do it?
It's all about organization, really.
You just make a plan and you stick to the plan And then you try to celebrate the little things.
Ladies, drop everything and get one of these!
Well, actually there is only one of these So it's kinda of a first come, first serve.
Okay. That was wonderful.
Thank you, Joe. Let's leave this poor man alone.
No, this poor man's fine. Why don't you stick around?
I don't mind if I do.
So, Joe, tell me what you're making here.
Well, it's just chili. But it's my grandmother's secret recipe.
Then I won't tell a soul.
Okay, Okay, we got diced shallots, chili pepper and of course...
The secret ingredient.
Dark chocolate?
Yeah, you wouldn't believe how rich it makes the sauce.
He actually made this very same chili The night that my landmark preschool reform bill passed.
We had over 300 parents and children gathered at city hall.
I was fighting back tears and I said... fire!
Everybody back! Everybody back!
Keep rolling!
Sorry about that.
Did you see that? I mean, he's amazing!
Is there anything you can't do?
No comment.
So I told those preschool families...
Oh, screw it.
Dougie, here you go, man. Frisco, there you go, buddy.
Listen guys, reheat that at 300°.
280 and it's ruined! I'll talk to you later.
I gotta say, I was wrong. I think that went great.
Celeste says it's going to be a terrific piece.
I think I really helped you out there.
Helped me what?
Disappear into the background like that fire extinguisher?
I'm sensing a little vibe here and it's not appreciation.
I had a chance to look serious, To be Toledo's hard-working city councilwoman.
And instead I ended up the sidekick In "Joe longo's chocolate chili throw-down."
It was you're idea for me to be story meat.
Yeah well, I guess I should have gone vegan.
It was supposed to be two questions and then you got all adorable!
I bet they offer you your own morning show!
What are you worried about?
She sh*t the whole day with you at your office, right?
Oh yes, all that fascinating halls-of-government stuff.
Snip snip snip snip snip snip snip snip snip!
They're never going to run any of that democracy crap!
I'm sorry that you came off boring.
I was not boring.
I was sincere. I was like c-span and you were like cirque du so-longo!
Oh, chocolate, fire, acts of derring-do!
They loved it!
I know!
So you're pissed because it went well.
Yes!
I'm sorry I didn't screw things up for you!
Apology accepted!
And you gave away all the chili... kiss-ass.
Joe, can we install this alarm now?
I don't know. Maybe you should ask your aunt.
Because if she wants us to do it then we probably shouldn't, 'cause apparently when she asks you to do something and you do it, then she gets mad at you.
I'll tell you the kind of alarm I'd like to install, Ryder.
The kind that goes off when someone steals the spotlight.
That wasn't about the alarm, was it?
Smart boy.
* can't touch this... *
Lennox, I need to work
And that thing's distracting.
Come on, aunt Mel! It's the only place I can do this!
I'm sorry, but work takes precedence over kids' dancey games that like to...
Look, I just got 1,000 points.
Keep going, keep going! Oh look, you just got a combo!
See? Don't you feel better now?
Yeah, I do.
Wow, I should get one of these for my office.
Oh and look! Virtual me is glowing!
And is 5'8".
Hey, you want to come in?
Not really.
Okay. You want me to have Mel come out?
Oh no.
I'm gonna go to the trash can now.
Can I join you?
Sure. Yeah.
( exhales )
I feel better. Exercise releases endorphins.
Is something on your mind?
I saw my friend julie from "Toledo today"
And she showed me the piece on Mel.
Celeste made Mel look bad...
Like a driven, career-obsessed workbot Who lets her nanny take care of everything.
You came across great.
I'm very photogenic.
You know, when I was eight, my mom put me in commercials.
I'd k*ll to have your eyelashes.
Naw.
What am I going to do?
It's a disaster. Somebody should let Mel know, but I don't want it to be me.
Please not me, not me!
Okay, all right, all right.
Take a deep breath... take a few. I'll handle this.
Okay? All right.
Wait a minute!
Were you the "hey, that's my peanut butter!" kid?
No, that was ricky schroeder. It was political.
( knocks )
Hey, anybody in here interested in My should-be-famous bolognese sauce?
Well, if it isn't nanny mcfabulous.
What's the occasion?
It's a bribe.
Bribing me with sauce.
Keep talking.
Yeah, you might have gotten the wrong impression about Mel When you were over at the house the other day.
That she's a work-obsessed Control freak who's handed her kids off to the nanny And lies about baking?
All right, you got the right impression, But it's, um... it's not true.
Joe, it's nice of you to go to bat for her, But I saw what I saw. The camera doesn't lie.
Yeah, neither does the cell phone.
Let me show you something that I sh*t.
This is her at Ryder's baseball game.
( cheering ) go Ryder, go!
Yeah! Eat dirt, red sox!
And that was when Ryder hit a foul ball.
And here she is at Lennox's poetry recital.
Go Lennox, go! Woo-hoo, yeah!
Eat dirt, maya angelou!
That's the side of her you didn't get to see.
She's passionate and-and caring.
And she's a great aunt and makes a really really good councilperson.
Oh my God. You two have a thing.
What?! No! No, absolutely not.
Not unless by "thing" you mean she's terribly irritating.
No, it's just that I admire her.
She's a good person And I just wish your story would show that.
Are you done?
Yes, I'm done.
No, um...
When you reheat that sauce, you have to do it on the stove top.
'cause if you do it in the microwave it will explode And clean-up is a bitch.
Enjoy.
Y'know, I think there's enough here for two.
Any particular two?
That was dynamic Mel Burke: Aunt, friend, councilperson and the focus of today's "Toledo today."
Wow, that turned out pretty great!
Thank God, because it was so horrible before.
Before what?
Before it got better?
Stephanie, come.
Sit. Speak.
Okay, I found out from my friend julie at channel 8
That Celeste's first clip made you look like a robotic, Career-obsessed superbitch.
Those words are like ashes in my mouth.
So I went and told Joe and he went and talked to Celeste...
Joe?
Yeah.
Did you know he use to do commercials as a kid?
And how political that world is?
Anyway, after he talked to her, she changed everything.
So happy ending, right?
You wanna watch it again?
'cause you look really mad at me.
Who asked Joe to intervene?
Not me!
He thinks he has to rescue me?
He thinks I can't take care of myself?
I mean, sure, I start the occasional kitchen fire and he has to put it out.
And I invite a conniving reporter into our house, Even though he warned me not to.
And I depend on him in a lot of ways, But he should let me take care of... Myself.
He's really a very appealing guy...
If you like that. Please don't fire me.
"Look, Joe, I brought you some dinner, but I didn't cook it, so you're safe."
"Hey, I hope you like dim sum 'cause I got some."
Don't say that.
Nut up, Burke, and just go in.
Stephanie, hey, it's me.
I just remembered some things I need to go over with you at the office.
Can you meet me right now?
Great. And I'll bring dinner. Okay.
♪ You can't touch this... ♪
♪ Can't touch this! ♪
♪ Can't touch this! ♪
♪ Can't touch this! ♪
♪ My my... ♪
Ha ha! b*at you again!
No, one more time.
I've actually got some homework I have to do.
No no no, I'll write a note. We're going again.
I still have the highest score. See?
Wait a minute, someone b*at me?
Who is J-Lo?
I don't know.
It's not me and it's not Ryder. He's dance God Ryder.
Hey ladies. Oh, you still wasting your time with this thing?
Yeah. Yeah we are, J-Lo.
Ha.
What?
I have no idea what you guys are talking about.
♪ Can't touch this! ♪