"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Morning.
Good morning, Joe. Can I get you something?
Eggs, bacon, french toast?
What do you want from me?
Can't someone do something nice for a friend?
Sure. What do you want from me?
Wow, you really think every gift comes with strings attached, huh?
You live in a sad world, Longo... a sad sad world.
( Laughs )
Ah!
Zip!
Ow!
No bacon till you teach me Japanese.
Japanese? How did I not see that coming?
I've been wooing Kimura Industries for months now to open a new office in Toledo.
And the CEO is finally coming to meet me.
If this works out, it could lead to lots of good-paying jobs and maybe I can get one of those knives that cuts through a soda can.
Lots of new jobs would be awesome.
You know, you'd look like a hero.
Really? Oh, I hadn't thought of that.
You know I'd do anything for you.
Thank you so much.
But I can't help you.
Hey, hands off! That's payment bacon.
Yes, I learned Japanese for business, but it's not something I can teach you overnight.
Bu... you don't have to!
Manzo Kimura, the CEO, he speaks English.
So I just need to have a few phrases to show him I made an effort.
All right, fine.
But in order to teach you the right phrases, I need to know what this Kimura guy is like.
Here... that's him. He's, like, 80.
You gotta be careful with these old business executives, Mel.
Sometimes they don't always respect career women.
Well, he'll respect me. Just teach me to say, "I may be a girl, but I can drink you under the table, sucka."
I think your demeanor already says that.
Let's start with the basics, shall we?
Um, hello... "Konichiwa."
Konichiwa.
Nice. Goodbyeâ€" "sayonara."
Sayonara.
Hello, goodbye... I can already sing a whole Beatles song.
I'm great at this.
All right, give me another one and make it hard.
Okay, pleased to meet you...
"hajimemashite"
hajimemashite.
Ooh, I could say it serious: Hajimemashite.
Or I could say it happy: Hajimemashite!
Or I could say it like Yogi Bear: Hey, hajimemashite, boo boo!
Okay, uh, alright, one more. And give me something that's gonna impress Kimura.
Okay, here is, "did you have a pleasant flight?"
"Kimochi ga ii sora no tabi deshita ka?"
"Kimochi ga ii deshita ka?" How was that?
You just asked Kimura if he was pleasured on his flight.
I haven't flown first class in a while, but that would be one hell of an upgrade.
♪ it's all good ♪
♪ all good ♪
♪ it's okay ♪
♪ okay ♪
♪ it's all right ♪
♪ all right ♪
♪ as far as I can see ♪
♪ it's all good ♪
♪ all good ♪
♪ it's okay ♪
♪ okay ♪
♪ it's all right ♪
♪ all right ♪
♪ I guess you're stuck ♪
♪ with me. ♪
Toire wa doko desu ka?
Nice. Yeah, that was good. Just one small thing... when meeting a Japanese CEO, you might want to say, "pleased to meet you," not "where is the bathroom?"
Darn. I keep mixing those two up.
Why'd you teach me "where's the bathroom" anyway?
This is my city. I know where all the good bathrooms are.
It'll come in handy with Kimura and his old-man bladder.
Okay, all eyes on me because this is important.
Of course it is.
And I'm sure it's the worst thing that ever happened and the first time it's ever happened to anybody.
So get this; Everyone had to pair up to do a civil-w*r project and Mr. Beigle assigned me to work with Kelsey Moncreif.
No, not Kelsey Moncreif!
Who is Kelsey Moncreif?
I have no idea. I just like saying Kelsey Moncreif.
It almost sounds like swearing.
That guy just cut me off. "Hey, pal, Kelsey Moncreif!"
You know what? You're right... it really does.
Anyway, there's this new boy in school, Brayden.
Brayden? Doesn't anyone name their kid Steve anymore?
I mean, you know, it's all like Bristol and Syrah.
I mean, that's probably what they were drinking the night they...
Go on.
So Kelsey and I were best friends.
Then everybody told me she was saying really horrible things about me and we never talked again.
Honey, can you get the Brayden part?
Because I'm just not that riveted by the buildup.
So for 11 straight days, I said hi to Brayden at lunch.
And the day I was going to make my move and sit with him, guess who swoops in and offers him half her sandwich?
All: Kelsey Moncreif!
You know, honey, just because Kelsey talks to Brayden doesn't mean he likes her.
Oh yeah? They make out every day on the baseball field.
Oh, they do. They even stand on the correct base.
You spend a lot of time watching them kiss, do you?
'Cause, you know, it's okay not to.
I just want to put that out there.
You know, honey, this sucks.
But maybe you can find a way to channel your anger into creativity, you know?
What's the assignment?
Kelsey is coming over here later to make a diorama of the battle of Buffington Island.
It's the only major battle ever fought in Ohio.
You mean until you and Kelsey?
Honey, look, I know you're in a tough spot, but when Kelsey gets here, I'm sure you're going to handle this in a mature way.
Diorama.
I wish she'd die-orama.
Mature... very mature.
Steph, I'm getting worried.
Mr. Kimura is late and almost 80.
If he's not here in five minutes, I'm googling him to see if he died.
Mel Burke?
Yes, and you are?
"Toshi Kimura." You must be Mr. Kimura's son.
Hajimemashite.
Hajimemashite.
I must admit, I practiced that all day.
Could you tell?
Yes, thank you.
Well, where's your father?
Yes, thank you.
Okay, you don't understand a word I'm saying, do you?
Yes, thank you.
Ah... I'm just gonna make a phone call.
You know, "beep beep beep." I don't know why I'm miming.
I'm just gonna do it.
( Dialing )
( Ringing )
Yeah?
Joe, Mr. Kimura can't make it and he sent his son, a delightful gentleman who speaks exactly three words of English.
Can you please get your translating butt down here now?
I don't know, Burke. ESPN's running this beach-volleyball marathon.
Longo, I'm dying here.
All right, fine, but it's gonna cost you a lot more than breakfast bacon.
How much more?
You're gonna be doing my laundry for the next month.
What?
Yeah, haven't you heard?
Joe Longo lives in a sad sad world where every gift comes with strings attached.
Sayonara, baby.
I wanted to help all of the people of Toledo.
So I ran for office and was elected a City Councilperson... the youngest ever.
Uh, can I buy you more glug-glug-glug-glug?
Yes, thank you.
Everybody speaks booze.
Joe! Joe, thank God you're here.
I've been nodding like a bobblehead.
This is my translator.
He's not deaf, Burke.
( Speaking Japanese )
Yeah, we've been communicating entirely through charades.
Toshi's dad couldn't make it because he ate some bad shark or else he was eaten by a shark?
I don't know. I'm better at giving clues, okay?
Relax. Longo's got you covered.
( Speaking Japanese )
( Both laughing )
Ah, don't mind me.
My stupid little business deal can wait.
It's polite to socialize before you make a deal.
These Japanese customs are so frustrating.
I'm talking about in America.
When you're done with the small talk, could you sneak in a word about how great it would be to open a new office in downtown Toledo?
( Speaks Japanese )
He says please forgive him for conversing in a language that you cannot understand.
Well, tell Toshi I said I'm sorry for the inconvenience for making him wait for a translator.
( Speaks Japanese )
What'd he say?
He says sitting with you could not possibly be considered an inconvenience.
Oh. Kind of a charmer, huh?
Tell him I said... ( Laughs )
He's not blind, Burke.
I like your smile.
Aren't you gonna translate that?
Are you trying to close a deal or close the deal?
You know what, Longo? If you don't like it, you can just leave.
Okay, great, I'll see you back at the house then.
No no no! No sayonara. Everybody sit-tee.
Talk talk, glug glug.
That was really smooth. You may not really need me at all.
So you and Kelsey are doing the history project, huh?
I'm glad you smoothed things over.
Well, we're not making friendship bracelets, but I've decided to be the bigger person.
( Doorbell rings )
That's her. Aren't you gonna get it?
No! Let the devil in my house?
Are you crazy?
You get the door.
Why should I help you?
Because I'm the only sister you have.
Damn, that's very effective.
Hey, Ryder. Come on, Lennox, let's get this thing over with.
Look at you two... getting along.
Sisterhood is powerful. See ya.
I am not working with her.
It's 25% of your grade.
Fine.
Tell her that the dark ground-up foam is for the riverbank and the green ground-up foam is for the trees.
No, I refuse to be part of your immature game.
Man, you got that down.
The dark stuff is for the river and the green stuff is for the trees.
Okay, if that's how it's gonna be, tell your sister I brought all the soldiers.
Oh, what a surprise she'd have her hands on all the men.
She said...
I heard her!
( High-pitched ) She heard you.
( Speaks Japanese )
This could be an excellent opportunity for our company.
Oh, and for Toledo as well.
( Translates )
What'd he say?
Um, he said that he admires your choice of champagne tonight.
Only the best for my friend from Japan.
He says he needs to go to bed.
All that was he needs to go to bed?
Well, he used the polite form. You know, it's...
What a shame. But, you know, I should probably get home too.
I'm stuffed.
You know, always tired after a big meal.
What's geri?
Stuffed. Full.
Yes, geri. Mucho mucho geri.
He says good night and the onion-ring loaf was an exotic treat.
Still no word from Toshi or his office?
No, nothing.
You know, I thought things went so well last night, and not just about the new office in Toledo.
I kind of got the feeling that Toshi was, you know, sort of attracted to me.
But you don't speak Japanese. How could you tell?
You know, it was just a feeling, like body language.
Oh, yeah, like Mark from personnel who always rubs up against me in the elevator.
( Doorbell rings )
That's a different kind of feel.
You should report that.
And take the stairs next time.
Delivery for Mel Burke.
Oh, it's from Toshi.
Long-stemmed roses in a crystal vase?
That means the same thing in every language... this Toshi's got bank.
"Please forgive bad Google translation.
It was pleasurable doing the business with you."
You did the business with him?
"Hope you're enjoying more healthy today.
Your eyes are beautiful even when you are sick with diarrhea."
You told him you had diarrhea?
Blondes can say anything and guys still want you.
I didn't tell him that.
Joe must have told him I had diarrhea!
Why would you tell Joe that?
I didn't tell him that.
Joe must have come up with that all on his own.
Why? Why would Joe say you had diarrhea?
That's something we'll never know, because before he has a chance to tell me, I'm gonna k*ll him.
Hey, I just wanted to thank you again for translating last night.
I'm glad I could help.
You know, it's funny... at the end of the night, I felt like there was a little spark between Toshi and me... you know, an unspoken connection?
But then it just kind of fizzled out mysteriously.
Really? I mean, I know you made a couple of jokes, but I didn't see any real connection there.
I felt something, I'm sure.
Yeah, well, you know, with matters of the heart, Burke, you can never really be sure.
True true. Unless you get flowers and a card that says, "I really like you. Hope your DIARRHEA is all better."
Wow, Toshi's English is really improving.
What were you thinking? I mean, it's got to be one of two things... either it was temporary insanity or permanent insanity.
Burke, let me explain...
No no no.
And if it was insanity, I could forgive you, but I'm just not buying that defense.
So it's got to be, what? Jealousy?
Jealousy? Now who's talking crazy? I was doing you a favor.
What favor?
What favor? I'll tell you what favor.
All right, the favor was... look, Toshi is a very important businessman, okay?
But he is not the right guy for you.
Based on what?
Based on what? Based on a feeling.
No, you know what? It was more than a feeling; I had an intuition.
You had an intuition?
Yeah, I had an intuition.
Well, Joe, I can't see up your skirt from here, so I've got to ask, are you a woman?
I see. What, men can't have intuitions?
Oh, no no no. Men have intuitions all the time.
The only difference is when men have them, they are always wrong.
Look, what you did didn't only affect me, it could have k*lled the whole deal for Toledo.
Look, if Toshi truly is not a scoundrel, he will not k*ll the deal over something like this.
Well, luckily, Toshi didn't k*ll the deal.
His assistant called from Japan and set up another meeting.
Toshi said he wants to continue our conversation at his hotel tonight.
That's great. That's fantastic. And I promise you, tonight I will translate every single word you say perfectly, all right?
Great. You can meet us at a quarter past... you must be crazy if you think I'd hire you again!
I need another guy.
Just take one like you always do.
Almost done, almost done, almost done.
Thank God, thank God, thank God.
( Cell phone rings )
It's Brayden. Excuse me.
Yeah, since when do you need my permission?
Oh my God.
What happened?
He says, "getting my license Friday "and, babe, I need my freedom.
"We'll always have second base."
Did Brayden just break up with you?
Yeah.
You win. He's all yours.
I'd never go out with him now.
He broke up with you in a text message.
Nobody does that to my ex-best friend.
You mean that?
Yeah. After all we've been through?
I mean, you were there for me when I had my big crisis in second grade.
Well, cursive is tough.
You know, when I transferred here, I heard you were still a bitch, but you're not like that.
Yeah, and I heard you were a two-faced slut.
I think the only reason we stopped getting along was because of a bunch of stupid rumors.
I am so done with all that petty gossip.
Me too.
Who said I was a bitch?
Who said I was a slut?
Konichiwa.
Konichiwa.
Thank you.
Oh, I've got a new one. Um...
Toire wa doko desu ka?
( Speaks Japanese )
Oh, no no no, I don't actually have to use the bathroom.
I was just showing off.
So, I'm... tummy is all good.
Thumbs up. No problems down there at all.
Whew.
Yeah. "Thank goodness" is right.
You know, Toshi, even though we don't speak the same language, I really like you.
( Speaks Japanese )
I'm not sure what you just said, but you sure look pretty saying it.
See, like that. Usually when I meet a cute guy, I spend so much energy trying to hide what I'm thinking, but with you I can just say it.
Sake?
Oh, we'll get to that.
First, business before pleasure.
Um, your assistant said there'd be a translator.
What time is the translator coming?
Hi, I'm Passion.
You're the translator?
Sure. I'm whatever you want me to be.
Okay, I think there's been a misunderstanding.
I got a call; I came over. I understand it.
No no no, you see, Toshi doesn't speak the language.
Yes, thank you.
See, he doesn't know English. He only knows three words.
Yes, threesome.
Well, what do you know? Toshi learned a fourth word.
Okay well, Toshi, you can translate this...
Kelsey Moncreif!
Kelsey Moncreif?
Sure, but it'll cost you extra.
( Sighs )
I didn't expect you home this early.
Yeah, well, Toshi's a busy guy.
Turns out I wasn't the only thing on his to-do list tonight.
What happened?
It's just that... ( Shudders )
I can't talk about it.
All right, I get it.
You don't want to talk about it, you don't have to talk about it.
Toshi's gross, you know? He's a slimeball, a sleazebag.
Don't we have enough pervs here in Toledo?
Now we have to start importing them?
So, yes, Longo, your intuition was absolutely right.
It was? I mean, yeah... yeah.
That's right, it was.
Lucky for you I had such good intuition.
Well, I'm gonna head upstairs and have the Hazmat team hose me off.
Joe, you remember yesterday when I, you know, accused you of being kind of jealous?
Yeah?
Now I know I was wrong.
You know, it wasn't about that at all; You were just protecting me.
Yep, that's right. That's what I was doing... just looking out for you.
Thanks.
Hey...
You know, sometimes we all misinterpret.
Hey.
Hey.
Good news.
Toshi's dad had parasites.
Yay! Go, parasites.
No, that means Manzo Kimura wasn't eaten by a shark.
He's coming here to talk to me about opening that new office.
Does Kimura know what his son tried to pull on you?
Well, he will once I tell him, Toshi wa ookina soseji o motte imasu.
You know what you just said, Burke?
Yeah... "Toshi is a huge weiner."
"Has."
You just said, "he has..."
Man, this is one tricky language.