05x37 - Captain Drex

[bunniefuu]

BOSE: Previously, in the Man Cave...

and also, in other places...

- Why are you and Henry both dressed like half a ghost?

- We were fighting the Time Jerker.

HENRY: Took his new time ray he built.

- Whoa! - Who's that?

- This is Bose. He's the Vice Mayor's stepson.

HENRY: We gotta watch him for a couple days.

- What are you doing in that sandbank?

- Just trying to find a place to learn to fight while I sleep.

And also Spanish.

- Henry. We are graduating from high school.

But you aren't. - Hmm?

- My son is a failure!

- You don't need to graduate from high school

to be a side kick. - Dude! I don't want to be

stuck in Swellview being a sidekick for the rest of my life!

- You swore an oath to defend this city!

- When I was thirteen! - So?!

- So maybe I don't wanna do it anymore!

- What are you doing? - Quitting.

- Oh so you're a quitter now, too?!

- No! - Why?!

- Grrrrrr! - Ahhhhhhh!!

SCHWOZ: Aieee!

- Remember me?

- But then Bose said, "I am Bose"

and he kicked Drex right in the dindee.

BOSE:And Drex said, "I am defeated!"

Then Bose drew his broadsword and ruled the kingdom

peacefully for a hundred years.

- But that's a story for another day.

[ Gronk laughs ]

- Thank you, Gronk. Tork.

- This is your new sidekick? - No.

- Well you're gonna need a new one.

'Cuz right about now, Henry Hart's getting a visit

from my best cavemen. - Grrrrrr!

- Aw, Gronk, I didn't mean it like that.

Cavemen are so sensitive.

- Yeah well, I hope they're sensitive to pain.

Because "your best" cavemen are probably getting

their caveman butts kicked right now...

- Owwww! My butt!

Ohhhhhh this hurts real bad.

- What is going on?! Why are there cavemen in our house?

- Isn't it obvious?

Our son hired some actors to put on a little show.

But it's not gonna trick us into thinking you're Kid Danger.

- I am Kid Danger! - Ha!

Henry, I went to acting school at Juilliard...

dot com. I think I know a fellow actor when I see one.

- I don't think they're actors...

- Not good ones.

- Uh-uh-uh. - Ahhhhhh!!!

[ Kris screams ]

- My backless bookcase!

- So you hired professional stunt men, huh?

- Okay, that's it...

- Henry, how did you do that?!

- I told you I'm Kid Danger! - False!

You stunt men expect us to believe that you were

actually flipped by my son who weighs ninety pounds?

- I'm a clean one-fifty! - More lies!

- Just get upstairs!

HENRY: Come on, come on, come on!

- Uhhhh! - Ahhh!

- That's coming out of your allowance!

- You don't give me an allowance

that's why I had to get a dang job being Kid Danger!

- Liar!

- Run! - Okay!

- We sent you a hundred million years into the past.

How did you get back to our time?

- I'll tell ya how I did it. I waited.

- For a hundred million years? - That's right.

I froze myself in a glacier on top of Mount Swellview

and waited for climate change to thaw me out.

- For a hundred million years?

- I had my hate to keep me company.

- Oh, that's nice.

- That and my army of cavemen. - Well now that's a party.

DREX: And they hate you too.

See, I had plenty of time back then.

Time to tell them stories.

DREX:Stories of Captain Man and Kid Danger...

DREX:Stories about how terrible you are.

DREX:Anytime anything bad happened,

I'd blame you and Kid Danger.

DREX:Rainstorm? Blame Captain Man and Kid Danger.

[ Cavemen grunt angrily ]

DREX:Sandstorm? Blame Captain Man and Kid Danger.

DREX:Hair loss? Stubbed toe?

DREX:Eaten by a dinosaur?

[ Cavemen grunt and growl ]

- Alright, that's enough Yappy Van Winkle!

You waited a hundred million years to destroy me.

Untie me -- let's dance.

- I have a better idea. - Than dancing?

Huh. I'd like to hear it.

- See, I was going to unleash my caveman army on you.

- But when I was hiding in the ceiling

I heard Schwoz say something...

and it gave me an even better idea.

- Of course! To use the time-ray that Ray and Henry brought back

to send Ray one-hundred million years into the past

just like he did with you!

- No. But that's a great idea, too.

- Dangit, Schwoz!

- Sorry, sorry... that one's on me.

- Piper, I think I found another cave!

- Thank god!

MITCH: Oh. Welcome back.

You're in luck, this next one is a banger.

- Awwwwww, yeah...

- This is the same cave we were trying to get away from!

- Dangit!

JASPER: Ow!

I'm trying to learn to fight while I sleep!

And also Spanish!

- You know what? Let's just call for a ride

and get out of here.

- I tried, I can't get any service!

♪ I wish I could give you a noogie of kindness! ♪

♪ A Wet Willie of what's in my heart... ♪

- I never thought I'd say this,

but I wish I was Henry right now...

- Ahhh, come on, Charlotte!

Why is no one answering their phones?!

- Better question: Why are cavemen

trying to smash their way into your bedroom?!

- They're just stunt men, honey!

- They're not stunt men, dad! Now help mom hold the door.

- Cut! That's a cut!

Take a five, guys!

[ Cavemen grunting ]

- Here, mom! Take this...

- Henry, what is this? - It's a Pulse blaster.

Dad! Heads up...

Careful, that one's got a kick.

Dad, what did I just say?

- Henry, why are there weapons hidden all over your room?!

- Because I am Kid Danger which I could prove to you

if I had my gum tube which oh my god

I forgot I do have my gum tube!

- Is there something hidden behind

every picture in this room?!

Sorry.

[ music ]

- You really are Kid Danger.

- I knew it!

- It all just kinda happened.

I wanted an after-school job.

But then, an indestructible superhero

hired me to be his sidekick. - Ah!

- Now we blow bubbles... and fight crime.

Feels good.

[ theme music ]

- Call it. - Up the tube!

- Aw, my boot! - Ha!

- Come on, people, I wanna hear some more vengeance plans!

Who's gonna be a hero? Schwoz -- go!

- I'm not going to help you get revenge on Captain Man.

- Thank you.

- Okay. I'm indestructible, too. How would you get revenge on me?

- That's easy! I'd tie you to a shark's face

so you'd end up getting chewed underwater

for the rest of your life.

[ Captain Man mumbles ]

- You can't tie someone to a shark's face.

- Don't tell me what I can't do! - Alright.

- How about this? We find Captain Man a nice woman,

they get married, have kids,

and live a long, happy life together.

- and?

- then he dies of natural causes.

- I think I'd rather do the shark face thing.

- Thank you...

- Whatever, I'm going to the bathroom.

- There's no bathroom that way...

- I'll find something.

- I think I'm going to stick with my original revenge plan.

The only problem is...

I'd need someone to modify this memory wiper

so that it would work on a whole city.

And no one on Earth can possibly do that.

- Now hold it right there...

- No, no, no, I just meant that no one, anywhere

is smart enough to do it.

- Schwoz!

- For your information, sir, I can--

- You can't do it Schwoz!

- Don't tell me what I can't do!

[ Captain Man mumbles angrily ]

- You find a bathroom? - In a way.

- Henry Prudence Hart...

- I know, I know. You guys are probably really mad at me

for lying to you for years.

- We are so...

proud of you.

- Sick turn, mom.

- You're a superhero, son!

Other than being an actor it's the most important thing

you can be in this world.

- Wait, so you're really not mad?

Even though I'm failing out of school?

- Ha! No, we're still really mad about that.

- You are in big trouble, buddy.

- Okay. Just gonna push this into the safe zone.

- So those are real cavemen out there?

- Yeah! And none of my friends are answering their calls,

and no one is picking up at the Man Cave...

so I think Ray might be in trouble.

- Your boss at Junk-N-Stuff? - Yeah.

- He's Captain Man!

- Uh, no, honey. If Henry is Kid Danger,

then Captain Man is obviously Jasper.

- Uh, no, actually, Mom nailed that one.

And I think I need to get back there

because something really bad is happening.

- Well go! - Well I can't leave you alone

with a bunch of angry cavemen!

- Henry, we can take care of ourselves.

I'm Kid Danger's daddy.

- You've got that pointed backwards.

Okay, now it's upside-down and backwards.

- Henry, we've got this. Just go save Swellview!

- Thanks. - And Henry...

- Yeah? - We love you.

- I love you too, guys.

- I didn't say it. - Okay...

- But I love you too, son.

- Who wants a taste of Daddy Danger?!

Ah, cheese. Honey, I think--

- Awwwhhhhh!

- There's plenty more where that came from!

Okay, no more where that came from.

Are you boys hungry?

- Take chapstick!

And backup chapstick!

And my wallet!

And my phone!

[ Ringtone plays Paramore's "Hard Times" ]

- They love your ringtone!

- Well it's Paramore, honey. How could they not?

[ phone stops ringing ]

[ Cavemen growl ]

- Call me so it rings again! - Okay!

[ Phone ringtone plays ]

- Hey! Quit messing with my hair gel!

That stuff's three-hundred dollars a tube!

[ Tork grunts angrily ]

- Alright, you got me, it's five-hundred.

Now don't eat it! Aw, I can't watch this.

[ elevator dings ]

- Ray are you okay, 'cuz--

Eh-- Buh-- Wha-- How-- Deh--

- Eh-- Buh-- Wha-- How-- Deh--

- What are you doing here?

- Oh my step-dad said he'd give Captain Man a statue if--

- No, no, Buddy, I was actually talkin' to Drex.

What are you doing here?

- Ughhh I've already explained this.

You guys sent me to the past, I trained a caveman army

to hate you, frozen in ice, yadda yadda yadda.

Long story short

I'm back!

- Look who else is back.

The Quitter. - I'm not a quitter.

- Oh, so you're here to apologize

and beg for your old job back?

- What? No. Why would I--

- I accept your apology. You're hired.

- I don't-- - I missed you... so much.

And I just want things to go back to the way they--

- I don't want my old job back--

- Well then you're fired again! Apology not accepted!

I barely noticed you were gone!

- I came back here because I thought you were in trouble.

- Well, clearly I am fine, so... - Oh really?

Well it looks like you're tied to a chair, so...

- Well I'm not so... - Well you're insane. I'm looking right at you--

- I just waiting for the right moment to break out.

Like NOW! Errrr!

It's not the right moment.

- Okay, I'm gonna help you.

- No! I don't need your help. Drex, stop him!

- Happy to! Gronk! Tork!

[ Gronk and Tork grunt ]

- Ugghh, I have to do everything myself.

Gronk! Tork! Sit!

Siiiiiiit...

Stay. Good boys...

[ laughs ]

- You know, I thought my cavemen were gonna take care of you

at your house, but I'm actually glad you're here,

Kid Danger, because--

- Hey, Quitter -- if you don't want your job back

then how come you're in uniform?

- I had to blow a bubble to prove to my parents

that I'm Kid Danger.

- Well I'm glad you're here 'cuz--

- You told your parents?! You're fired!

- I already quit!

- So, Kid Danger! I'm glad you're--

- So did you also tell them I'm Captain Man?!

- No but my mom kinda figured it out.

- Your mom?! Was she impressed?

- My dad thought you were Jasper.

- WHAT? - Would you two SHUT UP?!

- I'm actually enjoying this.

Did anybody ever tell you guys

your back and forth is kinda funny?

- I did it! You said it was impossible but here it is.

- Schwoz, what are you doing?

- Drex told me I couldn't modify the memory wiper

to erase the whole town's memory all at once,

but he was wrong! I did it!

- Schwoz, are you helping Drex?!

- No! No, no I just built this device

to prove him wrong and in doing so...

I helped him.

So... yes.

Schwoz smash!

- Oh caaaaaan't let you smash this.

I'm gonna need it for my big plan.

- What "big plan?!"

- Oh, I'll tell you.

- Sick villain monologue coming.

- You see... what I want is to destroy

what Captain Man loves the most.

And what does Captain Man love the most?

- Churros! - Waterslides!

- Henry's mom! - No...

the thing Captain Man loves the most is himself.

- That's right! Captain Man is obsessed with himself,

and with what other people think of him.

So... what if other people don't think of him?

- You're gonna erase Captain Man

from the memory of every single person in Swellview...

- Very good, Kid Danger!

- Ha! Good luck with that plan. - What do you mean?

- This thing won't even work unless you attach it

to an airborne object like a plane or a helio-copter.

- What a great idea.

- Schwoz! - Stop helping him, dude!

- No it's okay. Because he will never figure out

how to mount it and calibrate it without me.

And I'm never coming with you!

Over my dead body!

Heh! Bleh!

- Not even if I take a hostage?

- Yeah, okay, let me find my car keys.

- There's just one flaw in your plan, Drex!

- Oh yeah, what's that?

- I'm Captain Man.

Even if you erase the memory of me from everyone in this town,

I'll just get them to fall in love with me all over again.

I mean... look at me.

- He's right -- those eyes? That hair?

This guy's a Swellview ten.

- Here's the thing...

You're not gonna be around for that

because I'm gonna do to you what you did to me.

- What, tell you that headbands look cool on you as a prank?

- Stupid... - So stupid to have that...

- The 's calling you...

- No, I'm gonna do Schwoz's idea.

And send you back in time.

One hundred million yea--

Y'know what? One hundred and one million years.

And with you out of the way,

Swellview's gonna get a new Captain Man.

Ta-dahhhh.

- Nooooo!

- This town's gonna love Captain Drex.

Heck, they might even give me a statue.

- Ahhhhhh!!!

- But they don't give statues to cowards

who hide behind their big smelly friends.

[ Gronk grunts ]

- You want a piece of me?

- Let's dance, monkey man!

- Finally, some dancing!

- Gronk! Tork! Up!

- Should someone put on some music, or...

- Shame you came a hundred million years

just to get your face pounded.

Okay, okay.

You can handle the salt but can you handle the pepper?!

Alright, alright, alright.

He likes the spice.

Here comes the cayenne!

- I think you forgot I'm indestructible.

- I did forget that, yes.

- And now you get to watch... as I send your boss--

- Ex-boss.

- One hundred and one million years into the past!

- Ahhhhhh!!! - Ray!

- Don't worry. If you ever want to see Captain Man again

I'm gonna leave the time-ray right here.

And here.

- Found my keys!

Anybody have to pee before we leave?

- Okayyyy... sent Captain Man to the past,

b*at the spices outta Kid Danger,

got the memory wiper...

I'm good to go.

- Hey...Don't forget your hostage!

- I love this guy! So helpful. Gronk, Tork!

Grab the science guy and let's go find ourselves a plane.

- Aieeee!!

- Wait, Drex! I'm not done with you!

- Yeah but I'm done with you.

- Aaaaaahhhh!

SCHWOZ: Henry!

- Byeeeeee!

- Byeeeeee!

- Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, okay, think.

Think. Thinkthinkthinkthinkthink.

I don't think, Charlotte's the one who thinks.

Wait a second.

Charlotte's the one who thinks.

If Charlotte were here,

she would probably say something like...

"Mmm. I don't know guys, this looks pretty bad."

And then I would say...

"Wow, Charlotte, that's not very helpful."

And then Schwoz would say...

"I might have a device."

And I'd say, "Nice, Schwoz, what does that device do?"

And then Ray would probably say...

"I've got a device that can fix this!

My fist!"

And then Jasper he'd say...

"I got a device that can comb my hair!"

And then Piper would be like... "Jasper, that's a comb!"

And I would be like, "Guys can we please focus!

"Because Drex is back and he just sent Ray to the past

"and he just kidnapped Bose and Schwoz

"and he's gonna erase everybody's memory

in Swellview and I'm freaking out, guys!

I'm freaking out!"

And then Charlotte would probably be like--

CHARLOTTE: Everything's gonna be fine.

- Hang on, Charlotte! I'm trying to--

You guys came back!

Good to see you. Okay, things are bad.

Drex is back and he sent Ray to the past

but I b*at him up pretty bad but then he got away--

- Henry. - We heard you.

- Right. Okay that'll save us a lotta time.

But I'm still freakin' out. I don't know what to do!

- Just don't freak out. - Yeah.

Because we're here and we're gonna help you.

Yeah. This guy messes with you, he messes with us.

- Okay, I'm just gonna push this into the safe zone.

You really think we can do this?

- Absolutely. - No doubt.

- Fifty fifty. - I like those odds.

- Team Danger on three.

- One... - Two... - Three...

[ in unison ] Team Danger!

- Let's gooooooo! - Let's do this!

- Whoo!

- I honestly don't know why I left.

PIPER: I don't know what I was doing.

I just did it 'cuz you guys were.

Let's just listen to Charlotte.

- Welcome back.

- Weeeee... don't have a plan.

- I know. - Do you have a plan?

- She always has a plan.

- She's always got a plan.

No, but seriously do you have a plan?

- I have a plan.

- Let's gooooooo!

Yippee kay yay!

- Where's he going?

- I honestly have no idea.

[ music ]