07x05 - Doug's in the Middle

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

[whistling]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[chattering]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

Pfft.

[growling]

[yelping]

[whistling]

[chattering]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

[Doug] Dear journal,
middle school can be so unpredictable.

-Hey, Doug.
-Hey, Skeet.

[Doug] I thought today was gonna be
another ho-hum day,

but you never know what's waiting
just around the corner.

[indistinct chatter]

[boy] This is gonna be great.
A beach bash and a barbecue.

[Doug] "The Bluffington Blowout
Barbecue and Beach Bash.

Swimming, dancing,

and strictly chaperoned
social interaction."

"This Saturday, Lucky Duck Lake."

Beach party!

Skeeter, do you know what this means?

We only have a few days to get buff.

No.

This Saturday could just turn out to be

maybe the most important day of my life.

[footsteps]

[whistling]

That's me.

Huh?

[Skeeter] The beach party
sounds cool, Doug,

but how could it be the most important day
of your life?

'Cause it could be my one chance
to do something

I've wanted to do for years.

Down a gallon of root beer
and burp until the windows rattle?

No.

Ask Patti to go out with me on a...

date.

On a--

Shh.

She's right over there.

-[indistinct chatter]
-Yeah.

[indistinct chatter]

Date? But haven't you been out
with Patti about a zillion times?

Yeah, but never on an official,
real, honest date date.

It'll be a beach party
to end all beach parties.

-[surf music playing]
-[laughter]

[honking]

Surf's up!

[cheering]

[man] Cowabunga!

Come on, Patti.

I'll teach you how to tandem surf.

Oh, Moondoggie, you're my big kahuna.

Aren't these waves awfully big for a lake?

Doug? Doug?

-Doug.
-Huh?

Don't look now,

but the most popular girl
in the whole school

is checking you out.

Cassandra Bleem?

No way.

She's an eighth grader.

A girl like that
doesn't even know my name.

[Cassandra] Doug Funnie, hello there.

[stuttering] Me?

[laughs]

Of course, you.

There you go being funny again.

I saw the cartoon you drew
in the school paper yesterday.

I just love a guy
with a sense of humor. [giggles]

Me?

Say, I don't suppose you're going
to the beach party with anyone, are you?

Me?

[chuckles]

You want to go with me?

[laughs]

Skeeter, I just imagined
Cassandra Bleem ask me on a date.

It seemed so real.

Hmm?

-[Doug shrieks]
-Oh, Doug, you are so funny.

[giggles]

So, you want to go?

Uh, uh, gee, I don't know.

Can I get back to you?

Oh, Doug, you're such a tease.

Don't keep me waiting too long.

Feeling woozy.

World upside-down.

[groans] Huh?

Oh, thanks.

Did what I think happened
really just happen?

It sure did.

You, a lowly seventh grade toad,

got asked to the beach party
by the prettiest, most popular girl

in the eighth grade,
possibly the whole universe.

I did, didn't I?

Hmm.

Maybe it's that new toothpaste
I've been using.

What do you mean "toad"?

What am I thinking?

I don't want to go with Cassandra.
I want to go with...

Go with... Uh...

-Patti?
-Patti. Right.

Patti's who I want to go with.

Patti's who I'm gonna ask.

Patti's who I... I...

-Love?
-Uh, well...

Doug, I didn't know you had it in you.

-Huh?
-Your date with Cassandra.

You did all the boys
in seventh grade proud.

Date? But I'm not--

Hey, Doug. Just heard
about you and Cassandra.

[sighs]

You're the man. You're the he man.

You're the doorman.

[chanting] Roo, roo, roo!
Doug, Doug, Doug!

Gee. News travels fast.

[all murmuring]

[Roger] Just heard the word, Funnie.

You know, Cassandra only asked you
because she was too shy to ask me.

You?

Just don't let it go
to your head, lover lips.

[gulps]

I gotta get to Patti.

Oh!

[both] Doug Funnie, we salute you.

What are you doing here?

You have inspired us.

Please sign our limited edition
of How To Get Girls.

Oh, well.

If you can get a date to the party,
anyone can.

Even us.

Patti. Remember?

What? Oh, right.

Doug, you are the hero of me.

You babe magnet, you.

The whole school sings your praises,
and I join in the chorus.

[chanting]
Doug, Doug, he's our man.

If he can't do it,

no one could possibly
do the same thing.

The whole school?

-[bell rings]
-Better hurry, man.

Patti's leaving for class.

We don't want to be late.

Huh? Oh, uh...

Gee. Would you look at the time?

I'll ask her after school.

Huh?

Now, once our linoleum-lined
tentanium-propelled rocket

reaches its cruising altitude,

this payload of countless
biodegradable pamphlets

will be dropped all over town.

"Attention all girls! We want dates!

Details inside."

The hologram's a nice touch.

Girls love them.

-Secure the cargo hatch.
-Secured.

Initiate launch sequence.

Initiating.

Ten, nine, eight.

Go!

-You launched on eight.
-I like eight.

[Al] Release the payload.

[Moo] Releasing.

Oh, Hecuba.

The hatch has malfunctioned.

You make a mockery of the space program.

Please silence yourself.

No. You silence yourself.

-Hey!
-Stop it!

-What are you doing?
-Give me that!

-Move. Huh?
-Huh?

[both screaming]

[alien] "Beach Party."
What does this mean?

Haven't you heard?

Doug Funnie got a date
with an eighth grader.

If he can get dates, we can, too.

[Doug] I don't know, Skeeter.

I just can't make up my mind.

You're still gonna ask Patti, aren't you?

Uh, I guess.

I mean, I really want to,

but everybody's making
such a big deal out of Cassandra.

[Beebe] Doug.

I heard all about your upcoming date
with Cassandra.

Well, I really haven't decided
if I'm going with her.

What? Doug Funnie, there you go.
Always thinking about yourself.

What about me? What about my needs?
How can you be so selfish?

Ow!

If you don't go with Cassandra,
how will you introduce me

to all her important eighth grade friends?

After all, they are
the creme de la cool.

The creme de la cool.

[birds chirping]

What are you thinking?

Thoughts. Cool thoughts.

Want to run down the beach
in slow motion?

Cool.

[Beebe] Face it!

They make seventh graders
look like kindergarteners.

[children screaming]

[laughing]

-Huh?
-[giggling]

[muttering]

[wailing]

I don't know, Beebe.

Doug Funnie,
you just march right up to Cassandra

and tell her you're going
to that beach party.

Now!

And be sure to work my name
into the conversation.

[indistinct chatter]

[Dough clears throat] Excuse me.

Oh! [chuckles] Hi, Doug.

Uh, hey, Cassandra.

I'm glad you came over.

So, are we going together?

Well, uh, you see...

Of course I'd like to.

Great. Then it's a date.

But...

[giggling] Doug, I'm really
looking forward to it.

Uh-oh. It looks like
he's gonna faint again.

[Doug groaning]

-Hey, Doug.
-[Doug] Hey, Patti.

[gasps]

Patti?

I've heard about you
and that older woman.

Oh, Doug, how could you?

But, Patti.

I was hoping the beach party
would be our first

official, honest...

[sobs]

real life date.

It would have been the highlight
of my preadolescence.

[Doug] Please don't cry.

[Patti] That's my plane.

I'm off to Antarctica.

I'm leaving behind the us
that never was.

Maybe if I run to the bottom of the world,
my poor heart will have a chance to mend.

But I doubt it.

Antarctica?

So, you and Cassandra are going
to the beach party together?

Uh, yes, it's true.

Well, that's great.
It should be a fun party.

See you there.

Now, let's plan
every little detail of your date.

[Doug] Oh!

I don't want you messing up my debut
in eighth grade society.

Get real.

Funnie with the eighth graders. [scoffs]

You know he's gonna b*mb out big time.

Put a sock in it, Roger.

Face facts, Funnie.

Eighth graders are the coolest.

They've been places, they know stuff.

What's a loser like you
gonna talk to them about?

Hey, I've been places.

Well, some places.

[seagulls cawing]

How about going for
a spin in the hydrofoil?

Excellent. Then it's off
to a relaxing sauna.

Followed by an elegant gourmet meal.

After which we discuss
the subtle metaphors

of classic literature.

I do so love being privileged.

And sophisticated.

-[Doug exclaims]
-[all gasp]

[sputtering noise]

Lookie there at all that water.
Let's go swimmin'.

I ain't never swum with britches before.

Face it, Funnie. You're on a one-way
train ride to humiliation.

[Al] Attention, peers.

Prepare to be dazzled.

[Al] It's Al and Moo's Date-O-Rama.

♪ Al and Moo and you ♪

♪ In a rendezvous
With you know who ♪

♪ Al and Moo and you ♪

We want girls.

Party!

♪ Valuable prizes
You can't lose ♪

A once in a lifetime opportunity
for two lucky girls

to win dates... [blows kisses]

with the fabulous Sleech brothers.

Plus valuable prizes
and bonus frequent flyer miles.

Hmm.

[both chuckle]

-[music stops]
-[both] Huh?

[indistinct chatter]

[fire alarm blaring]

I think the blonde liked me.

You are sheer buffoonery in pants.

[Doug] So, journal,
as the day of my big date approached,

I had to make sure

I'd be cool enough for the eighth graders,

so I decided to go
to the coolest guy I know.

Ow!

[telephone rings]

Hello.

[Al] Congratulations.

You have been chosen for a date
to the upcoming beach party

with one of the devastatingly popular
Sleech brothers.

Press one to date Al.

[Moo] Press two to date Moo.

[Beebe scoffs]

[Al and Moo] Press three for both.

[Doug] The day of the party
finally arrived.

It was time to pick up Cassandra.

[doorbell chimes]

-Why, hello. You must be Doug Funnie.
-Uh-huh.

Would you like me to see
if Cassandra is ready?

Uh-huh.

Cassandra, Doug's here.

[exhales and sniffs]

[Cassandra] Hi, Doug.

Wow!

Oh, noble Dougius. To yon Olympus gate

we must needs fly
ere the silver orb of Diana

doth bathe us in its transcendent glow.

But pray, let us feast on sweet ambrosia.

Ah! That's good nectar of the Gods.

[Cassandra] Shall we?

Uh-huh.

Oh.

[shrieks]

[Cassandra laughs] Oh, Doug.

[grunting]

-[Doug chuckles nervously]
-[Cassandra laughs]

Didn't I tell you he's funny?

You two kids have a good time now.

This is going to be so cool.

Wait till you meet my friends,
Hunter, Summer and Devon.

Yeah.

[clears throat] Yeah.

And you'll really like my friends, too.

Skeeter and Chalky and Pa...

Well, all of them.

Oh, Doug. [chuckles]

You are so hilarious.

Imagine me hanging out
with seventh graders.

-[laughs]
-Huh?

-Thanks for the ride, Mrs. Funnie.
-Thanks, Mom.

[indistinct chatter]

[Skeeter] Yo, Doug!

Hey, you're just in time.

The g*ng's starting some beach croquet.

[laughs] I'll make sure
you're both on my team.

Hey, sounds great.

Beach croquet?

Doug, Hunter, Summer, Devon,
they're waiting.

Uh, sorry, Skeet.

I think Cassandra wants me
to hang out with her friends.

Oh. That's cool, man. [chuckles]

Well, see you later.

[sighs]

[Skeeter] Hey, guys.

-Did you find dates?
-[Al] Negative.

But the results of our campaign

did provide us
with an interesting hypothesis.

Girls find us repulsive.

Just another of the many burdens
of having huge brains.

Well, come on.
You can play beach croquet with the g*ng.

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, here he is now.

Hey!

[Doug chuckles nervously]

I was just telling everyone
how funny you are.

Yeah. She says you're a laugh riot.

Say something funny, Funnie.

Me? Well, I don't know. [chuckles]

-Go on, Doug.
-Ooh. Huh?

Say something funny.

Well, uh...

Something funny.

Get it? [chuckles]

You all said, "Say something funny,"

so I said, "Something funny."

If he's so funny,
how come we're not laughing?

What's wrong with you?
I told all my friends you'd be funny.

Well, uh, my friend Skeeter told me
a joke the other day.

I could tell that, I guess.

Hey, everybody.

Doug has a story to tell,
and it's hilarious.

[gulps]

Well...

[chuckles nervously]

What do you get
when you cross an elephant with a--

Oh, give me a break.

Not an elephant joke.
What are you, five?

Typical seventh grader.
They're so immature.

Well, hey, I--

[Hunter] Dougie, your mommy's calling.

[all laughing]

I'm feeling kind of sick.

Oh, he's sick.
Does Oogum's tummy hurt?

[Summer] Oh, is he gonna throw up?

[all laughing]

No, really. I'm getting sick.

Doug.

[Summer] Ugh. He actually threw up.

You are wild.

[all laughing]

You were right. He is funny.

Funny? He's a riot.

-[sighs]
-Told you.

He's hilarious.

[laughing] Doug, you gotta come with us
on the eighth grade ski trip.

We could use somebody
to give us a few laughs.

[stutters] Me?

You can go with me, as my date.

Oh, no, you don't. He's my funnyman.

I knew they'd like you.

You're so funny. [laughs]

-I am?
-Of course.

Why do you think
I asked you to come with me?

Just to be funny?

Sure. What else?

I never knew
a seventh grader could be so cool.

I thought they were all losers.

Losers?

Yeah, like that Beebe big bucks.

Too bad all that money can't
buy her some class. [chuckles]

[Hunter] And that
Skeeter blue boy. [chuckling]

[Cassandra laughs]

[Cassandra] And then there's
perpetually perfect Patty Mayonnaise.

[Cassandra laughing]

Right. Miss goody two-shoes.

Stop it!

[chuckles] What?

You all think you're so smart?

But you know what you are?

You're... You're...

You're not my friends.

What is wrong with you?
My friends were starting to like you.

I don't care.

I'm gonna go play beach croquet.

Maybe my friends aren't as cool as yours,

but at least I don't have to
perform for them like a trained seal.

They like me
when I'm funny or unfunny or...

just plain Doug Funnie.

Fine! Don't bother coming back,
you, you seventh grader!

I'll get a ride home with my friends.

[Doug] Well, journal,
even though the beach party

didn't turn out like I thought it would,
I ended up having fun.

I wasn't too great at beach croquet.

[Skeeter] Way to go, man. [laughs]

That was great.

[Doug] But it didn't seem to matter.

I guess that's the thing
about real friends,

they like you for who you are,
not for what you can do for them.

Besides, they don't laugh
when you throw up.

So, it turned out to be a great day
after all with my friends.

And I think even Cassandra
found what she was looking for.

-Knock-knock.
-Who's there?

Thirty-seven.

Thirty-seven, who?

Thirty-seven point five. [laughs]

[laughs]

Now, these guys are really funny.

[closing theme music playing]