07x06 - Night of the Living Dougs

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[whistling]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

[chattering]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

-[chuckling]
-Pfft.

[growling]

[screaming]

[yelping]

[whistling]

[indistinct talking]

[screaming]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

Dear Journal, sometimes
even a bad day can start off good.

Patti had promised to meet me
after her soccer practice,

and then we were going
to head over to Swirly's.

Spiral it, man. Spiral!

-Hey, look, I did it, a spiral!
-[Skeeter] Whoo!

Interception!

-Hey!
-[laughs]

Take notes on how a real pass
is thrown, losers!

Boomer, go long!

Huh? [laughs]

Hey, over here. I got it.

I... Oh! [groans] Oh!

Uh-oh!

-[Mr. Bone groans]
-Oh.

Nice throw, Funnie!

-[Mr. Bone] Who threw that?
-Oh, no!

Who threw that?

Uh... [gulps]

Sorry! My fault. [laughs]

[Doug] So, there I was,
stuck for two hours in detention.

I guess I could have lived

with getting blamed
for something Roger did,

but when it made me miss

being with the one person
who can make a good day great...

Patti! She's still waiting for me.

Patti! Patti!

Unacceptable behavior, Mr. Window-waver!

You'll be adding time to your sentence

if you don't straighten up
and fly right! Clear?

[Doug] Oh, man! Guy Graham?

[Doug] And away they went. Perfect.

This was all Roger's fault.

Oh, man!

That's it for you,

Mr. Stand-up-and-grab-your-head
smarty-pants!

You just earned yourself 30 more minutes.

Man. Sometimes I wish
Roger Klotz would just...

Would just...

I'm afraid it doesn't look good,
Mr. Klotz.

Any last words?

The thing I'm most sorry about
in my whole life

is how I treated Doug Funnie,

especially that thing
with Mr. Bone and the football.

Huh! What am I thinking?

[Doug] It's a lifelong problem.

I never could really enjoy a bad thought.

Anyway, by the next morning,
I'd pretty much put Roger out of my mind,

until he shoved his way right back in.

Like my new ball, Funnie?

It's amazing the stuff you find
just lying around the field.

Come on, Roger, give it back!

[both grunting]

-You want it?
-Whoa!

[groans]

You got it! [laughs]

[screams]

[groans]

Okay. That's it, Funnie. You've had it!

[Mr. Bone] All right, rabble-rousers,
what's going on here?

Uh-oh! Ow!

Uh, I think I broke an ankle.

Oh, now I'm going to miss
at least two weeks of school.

Oh! My education!

And it's all Funnie's fault.

Huh? It is?

You know something, mister?
You've got a real mean streak.

Oh! You saw it. It's all Funnie's fault.

You're to blame, Funnie. You!

[groans]

[Doug] I thought all I was trying
to do was get my ball back,

but the truth is,
I was still pretty mad at Roger.

What if I really wanted him to get hurt?
What if I was to blame?

-[rock music playing loudly]
-[laughing]

-[knock on door]
-Huh? Oh!

Uh!

[meekly] Ahem. Yes? Come in.

You have a visitor, Roger.
Are you feeling up to it?

I guess I can try
to ignore the throbbing pain

long enough to be pleasant.

Who is it? And what did they bring me?

Hey, Roger.

What is it, Funnie? You come over here
to break my other leg?

I... Oh...

I just brought over
your homework assignments.

Yeah. I'll be working from home a lot.

So, uh, how are you feeling?

What's it to you?

Uh, no big deal. Just curious.

Oh, here, let me get you some more water.

Hey, just what are you up to, Funnie?

Nothing. Just making sure
you're comfortable.

I mean, I could ask your mom
for another blanket.

How about a pillow for that ankle?

Feeling guilty, are you? Well, you should.

Hey, while you're over there,
get my slippers.

And I could really use a sandwich.

Make it salami with gorgonzola.

No crust! And cut on the diagonal!

Sure! No problem.

[humming]

There you go. Be right back.

Oh, yeah. This is going to be
one sweet deal.

Here you go.

[Roger] Make sure you get
all the wrappers, Funnie.

[video game beeping]

[crunching] Oh, yeah. Hmm!

I think you're well enough
to turn your own page, Roger.

Okay. I'll try.

[groans] My ankle! The agony!

All right, all right.

Ah! That's more like it, Funnie,

since you are the reason
I'm flat on my back.

[snoring]

-Hey, Doug? Are you okay in there, man?
-[continues snoring]

[snoring]

Huh?

Oh, hey, Skeeter.
What are you doing in Roger's room?

We're at school, Doug,
and what is that thing on your head?

Oh, this? Roger bought it for me
from the Sharper Schlemmer catalog.

It's kind of a beeper.

[screams]

Got to go. Roger needs me.

But you've been over there
every day this week!

Give it a rest, man.

Can't. Got errands to run for Roger.

About time you showed up.

These cookies are crunchy! I wanted chewy!

I'm starving!

And where have you been?

Running your bike through the car wash,
like you asked.

Did you remember to use double wax?

The water is beading on my skin, isn't it?

Listen, Roger, I've had enough of this.

I'm sensing some attitude here, Funnie!

It's not like I can do anything for myself
after you m*nled me.

Remember?

Okay, Roger.

-Now, where's my homework?
-I'll get right to it.

[Doug] I never knew guilt
could be so exhausting.

If only I had the power
to make things better,

like Quailman would do!

[announcer] The Adventures of Quailman,
strange visitor from the planet Bob.

He glides, he navigates,
he can dress in the dark...

Well, maybe with a night-light.

Yes, Quailman!

A pleasant day in an idyllic setting,

a day in which nothing could go wrong,
or so it seems,

yet something is amiss.

Is it the subtle change
in wildlife appetites?

Or could it be this panicked mob?

[people screaming]

There! It's the klotzenburg!

[announcer] And at the helm
of the Klotzenburg,

we find the evil Dr. Klotzenstein himself,

deploying his latest mega-w*apon,
the Eye of Klotz...

[laughing evilly]

Which turns helpless citizens into...

[horn honks]

...rodeo clowns.

Can no one stop the dastardly plot
of the evil Dr. Klotzenstein?

[Klotzenstein] No one can stop
the dastardly plot of the evil Dr. Me!

[laughing evilly]

[announcer] But this villain
hadn't counted on the timely arrival

of our three daringly
punctual superheroes.

[people screaming]

[Quailman] Fear not,
citizens of Megalopolis!

[screaming]

-[screaming]
-[honking]

Yee-haw!

It's worse than I thought.

He's turning helpless citizens
into rodeo clowns!

[honking]

How are we going to stop him, Quailman?

Fight fire with fire, my shiny friend.

This is a job for my Quail Eye!

Fly away!

-Why is he leaving us out?
-I don't know.

Once every citizen is busy spritzing
and throwing pies at each other,

my fiendish intention
is to loot this city for all it's worth!

[laughing evilly]

Dr. Klotzenstein! Have you
no good intentions in you at all?

Let me check.

Oops! Must have left them
in my other zeppelin.

Now prepare to be clowned, Quailman!

Your evil clown ray
is no match for the Quail Eye.

Good shall prevail once more!

Prepare to be helpless and stupefied!

We'll see about that, frail eye!

[grunts]

You leave me no choice
but to engage... [grunts]

my rarely deployed Quail Eye high beams.

Those of you watching at home
might want to avert your eyes.

High beams away!

[grunts]

[screams]

Whoa! [screaming]

[groans]

[babbling]

I've never seen anyone
so helpless and stupefied!

Fear not.

Dr. Klotzenstein will recover
in mere moments.

[announcer] Hours later...

[doctor] He may never recover.

Who could have done
such a monstrous thing?

[whistling]

Hmm...

The parallel flexibility of his
transitional pump response mobility

is phlegmatic and falling!

Yes. I can see that, nurse.

You have to perform an emergency.
Semicolon funky pumper glandectomy!

Hang it, Jim!
I'm a doctor, not a magician.

I know, but if we don't try,
we'll lose him.

What have I done? It's all my fault!

Oh, woe, it's me!

You didn't do it on purpose, Quailman.

You were just trying to stop him.

I know, but maybe a part of me
wanted to hurt him,

and for no better reason
than that he's pure evil.

If only I could somehow help him.

If only I could, say,

find a miniature submarine that would
shrink us to the size of microbes.

Then we could go inside
Dr. Klotzenstein's body

and fix that funky pumper ourselves!

Um, you mean like this?

"Miniature submarine shrinks you
to the size of a microbe!

Order today!"

Holy molecules!

Yes! We'll send for it right away.

Oh, and order me
a couple of those sea chimps.

[Quailman] There it is. There's our craft.
No time to lose.

Okay, team, fasten your seat belts.

We've got a villain to save.

Engage shrinking system!

[Silver Skeeter] Wow! Look at the size
of those nose hairs!

Hang a left, right?

[Quailman] Left is right,
my faithful friend.

Hmm!

Whee!

Oh, sorry. I love water rides.

[laughs]

Whoa! Whoa!

-Helm, report!
-[barks]

You know, sometimes I have
a hard time understanding him.

Quaildog warns
of rhythmic contractions and expansions

for an increased oscillation rate.

You know, sometimes I have a hard time
understanding him.

That means Klotzenstein's pulse is racing,
and so are we!

Whoa!

-[screaming]
-[whimpering]

[all] Whoa!

Oh, man, now we're really in a pickle!

Steady, my mighty metallic friend.

I know it looks grim, but--

No, no! I mean we're really in a pickle.

Doesn't this guy ever chew?

Reverse thrusters, then resume course.

Hmm... What's our position?

-Entering the Gland Canyon.
-[Computer] Danger!

Sensors detect
the body's natural defense system,

Klotzenstein corpuscles.

And there they are, dead ahead!

[laughing evilly]

We're surrounded. Initiate evasive action!

Load the guilt cannon!

Yes, sir! One cluster charge

of pure, unadulterated,
unconditional guilt

coming right up!

Where did that come from?

[all] My mother.

[Silver Skeeter] They're f*ring at us!

[screaming]

Huh?

[Guilt] Shame on you!

When was the last time
you changed your power briefs?

Hey, I turned them inside out!

[Guilt] You once brushed your teeth
with Quailman's toothbrush.

Bad dog!

You used my toothbrush?

[Guilt] And you never put down
the toilet seat, do you? Do you?

I... I did! Once.

[Guilt] Only once?

Don't listen, Silver Skeeter!
Cover your ears!

[Guilt] When are you going
to get a real job?

You forgot your mother's birthday!

[screaming]

Oh, no! He's been overwhelmed by guilt!

Quaildog, get us out of here, now!

I'll get the translucent vacuum bottle
we always carry

in case of Silver Skeeter meltdowns.

[all] Stop them!

[screams]

[grunts] Don't worry, Silver Skeeter.
We'll get you back in shape in no time!

Huh?

Acid! We're in the river Bile!

It's eating away at the hull!

We're going down!

Whoa! [screams]

-Mayday! Mayday!
-Red alert! Panic!

[Quailman] The bile is rising.

Abandon ship! Abandon ship!

Whoa!

Could it be? Is it?

Yes! This is it, the semicolon!

[Quaildog barking]

That must be the funky pumper.

Now to find out what's blocking it
and save Dr. Klotzenstein!

Wait! Did something
just move inside there?

[corpuscles muttering]

More guilt! Take cover! [screaming]

[Guilt] You wear white after Labor Day!

You read trashy Hollywood novels!

And when no one's looking,
you drink out of the toilet!

Bad dog! Bad dog! Bad dog!

-[yelps]
-Bad, bad, bad, bad!

-Quaildog!
-Bad, bad, bad, bad!

[Guilt] You never wash behind your ears!

You never send your aunt a thank-you note!

Your handwriting is atrocious!

You've got bad breath...

No! No!

Must. Get to. Funky pumper.

[Guilt] Vice Principal, lawyers,
overpaid athletes,

they're all your fault!

Load the big bombshell of blame!

Fire!

[screams]

[Blame] You have
critically harmed Dr. Klotzenstein,

and your superhero friends
will be destroyed because of you!

It's all your fault! You're to blame!

You! You! You!

No!

[Silver Skeeter] Quailman? Quailman?

Quailman, you've got to rise and shine,
or it's all over!

Hmm? [groans]

Silver Skeeter!

You're back together!

Yeah. We've been listening
to Quaildog's self-esteem tapes

-to get over our guilt att*ck. [chuckles]
-[barks]

Now hurry!
Klotzenstein's lights are going out.

He's only got minutes left!

I can't. I failed! It's all my fault.

That's not you talking, Quailman.
That's the guilt cannon.

You can't control everything,
so how can you blame yourself?

-[barks]
-What?

-Yes, Quaildog. Yes! Yes!
-What is it?

Quaildog's trusty
paw-top computer explains

how the funky pumper only shuts down
when someone keeps their good intentions

locked inside for years and years.

Without good intentions,
people can't survive.

-So?
-Don't you see, Silver Skeeter?

That means I'm really not to blame!

It wasn't my Quail Eye
that did this to him.

Dr. Klotzenstein brought this on himself

by trapping his good intentions
inside there!

[Silver Skeeter]
So that must have been what we saw,

a good intention trying to get out!

Exactly! Good going, Quaildog.

The answer always lies
in better understanding the problem.

You've earned yourself a Quail point.

[barks]

So there's only one way
to save Klotzenstein.

We've got to release that good intention,
and fast!

[Silver Skeeter] But how, Quailman?
It's too far away!

There's one chance in a million,
but we have no choice.

I'll throw the power belt!

[grunts]

Oh, no, you don't!
You're not taking this hill!

Oof!

Yes! I see it!

The good intention is coming out!

And the funky pumper is reactivated!

-Klotzenstein will live!
-Yay!

Throw them into the river Bile!

What?

Hey!

Hooray!

Huh? No one twiddle fingers me!

Come on, men. We've got a good intention
on the loose! After it!

So, navigator, how do we get out of here?

Uh, you don't want to know.

Hey, Funnie, no sleeping on the job!

Wha... Huh? Where?

Stinky needs her teeth flossed
and her ears cleaned out.

[purrs]

And so do I.

Roger, I just realized something.

Oh, yeah? Like what?

I'm not the one
who made you hurt yourself. You did!

Hey!

And even if I maybe thought about it,
that's not what made it happen.

People shouldn't feel guilty
for things that are out of their control,

and you, Roger, are out of control!

That's bad advice, Funnie!

What loser sold you that load?

Let's just say a little birdie told me.

So you can just go floss your own ears!

And I noticed
your ankle suddenly got better!

[meows, sniffs]

Huh? [grunts, screams]

Whoa!

[groans] My ankle!

[Doug] So, Journal,
bad thoughts do happen to good people,

and it's natural to blame yourself
for stuff you see going wrong around you,

but you got to remember,
not everything is your fault.

Bad things happen
for all sorts of reasons,

and sometimes for no reason at all,

and when that happens, the best you can do
is try to make them right again...

Whoa!

...even if it means
helping someone like Roger Klotz...

Unless, of course, you are Roger Klotz,

then, well, you do the math.

[theme music playing]