07x15 - Quailman Vs. the Quizzler

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[whistling]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

[chuckling]

[growling]

Hey! Hey! [screams]

[barking]

[whistling]

[groans]

[screaming]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

[Doug] Dear journal, it was
one of the scariest rumors

ever to hit Beebe Bluff Middle School...

The S.P.I.T. tests are coming.

S.P.I.T. test? What's a S.P.I.T. test?

They're the toughest, most important tests
in the history of the planet!

All you losers will fail for sure.

Come on, Roger!
There's no such thing as a S.P.I.T. test!

Is so! Mr. Bone is giving
the test tomorrow.

Big deal. It's just another test.

All you can do is do the best you can.

Come on, Connie.

It's not nice to spread rumors, Roger.

That's something I would never do.

It's not a rumor!

My mother heard it from
the ex-mayor's secretary,

whose veterinarian's pen pal
used to fix Mr. Bone's car.

So it's gotta be true!

Hmm. What do you think, Doug?

You think there is such
a thing as a S.P.I.T. test?

[Doug] A really bad feeling came over me.

What if for once in his life,
Roger was right?

What if Mr. Bone is giving
the S.P.I.T. test?

[footsteps]

Hmm.

Ruff!

[yelping]

Aah!

You don't think Roger's right, do you?

That there really are going to be
S.P.I.T. tests?

No way, man!
He probably made the whole thing up.

[Mr. Bone] Yep, those S.P.I.T.
tests are gonna be big.

Big, I tell ya!

Out with the old, in with the new.

Yes, siree, Bob.

We're really gonna separate
the wheat from the chaff.

Hmm?

Well, what have we here?

-Uh...
-Uh...

Loiterers?

You want to get to class, misters,

or do you want nice, big detention slips?

-Oooh!
-Aaah!

I heard it's the toughest test
in the whole world!

That's right, dude!

If ya fail, they send you
back to nursery school!

S.P.I.T. stands for the Superior
Psychological Intelligence Test.

S-P-I-T.

Everyone knows that.

All us superior kids will get sent

to separate superior schools.

Ooohh...

[Patti] Dear Doug, Skeeter
and I love it here

here at S.P.I.T. College in Spitland.

Everyone is so... smart.

And the answer is all philosophies of life

derive their meaning
from a clear and cogent understanding

of the essence of cheese.

[Patti] I guess I'll probably
never see you again.

Too bad you didn't pass
that S.P.I.T. test.

Huh?

[kids murmuring]

I can't believe Roger
was finally right about something!

I heard this is going to be
the hardest test ever.

You better start studying, Patti.

But we don't even know
what kind of test it is.

So why worry?

It could be anything--

Math or spelling or vocabulary.

Huh? What?

Patti says it's a test of vocabulary!

Connie says Patti says it's a test
on words, and it's really hairy.

Beebe says Connie says Patti says

they want us to memorize the dictionary!

The whole dictionary?

Oh, man! I've gotta study.

Take it easy, man.

Like Patti said, it's just another test.

That's easy for you to say.

You're a genius. What if I fail?

What if they send me
to a school for losers?

I'm gonna study till my eyes fall out.

OK. Have fun, man.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa! Make way!

You'd better watch where I'm going,
mister!

Sorry, Mr. Bone.

Well, Mr. Made-an-illegal-step in-a-blind-
corridor-without a-proper-hand-signal,

I've got a good mind

to reinstate Saturday detention
just for you!

I was just a little distracted.

Distracted? Hah!

By what?

Everyone's really nervous about
the S.P.I.T. tests.

Nervous? About The S.P.I.T.S?

Yeah.

Well, yes, of course.
They should be nervous.

When Mr. Bone gives a S.P.I.T. test,

You'd better just mind your Ps and Qs!

Ya know what I mean?

Uh, not really.

It's just, we don't even know what
The S.P.I.T.s are about, and--

Of course you don't.

I'm the only one

who has any answers
about the S.P.I.T. test!

And I'm not sharin'!

[Doug] It was hopeless.

I didn't even know what to study.

Then it happened.

[gasp]

I had accidentally picked up

Mr. Bone's S.P.I.T. test folder!

All my friends were
really worried and upset.

I'm not taking any dorky S.P.I.T. test!

I'll just stay home sick.

I'd give anything to know
what the test's about!

I wonder how long it is.

I wonder what I should wear.

[murmuring]

[Doug] Just one look inside that folder,

and I'd know exactly what was
on the S.P.I.T. test.

I could tell my friends,
and I'd be a hero.

Sir Douglas has conquered
the S.P.I.T. Monster!

All, chanting long live Sir Douglas!

Long live Sir Douglas!

Long live Sir Douglas!

Sir Douglas, you've saved everyone from
the S.P.I.T. Dragon.

You're so knight in shining armor-y.

Ooh-oooh-ooh-ooohh...

[Doug] I didn't know what to do.

Helping my friends would be a good thing,

but opening the folder would be cheating.

Oh, man!

I'll bet Quailman would know what to do.

[narrator] It was a day like any other day
in Megalopolis.

Children were playing,
students were studying,

and businessmen were having
important lunches,

which they would attempt to write off
as a business expense

in the hopes of lowering their taxes.

Little did they suspect
that all the information in the universe

was about to be stolen
by a mysterious--hey!

Where did the rest of my script go?

Wounding both penguins and the duck.

Ha ha! That's a good one, huh, Marcy?

Ahem. In other news,

today in Dosbeckastan...

[Reading from TelePrompTer]

Ah! What?

Wow!

Ahem! Heh heh heh. Heh heh...

My news! I want my news!

[crying]

Extra! Extra! Read all about it!

Millet stocks soar!

Huh?

Birdcage liners!

Get your print-free birdcage liners here!

[Mr. Bone] Watch out, World,
and shake with fear!

The super-nasty Quizzler's here!

[laughing maniacally]

Ha ha ha ha ha--huh? Now what?

-[engine stalling]
-Ah! Come on!

What's wrong with this thing?

Ah! That's more like it.

[Mr. Bone] I'll just take all the facts
From your newspaper story, little missy!

What?

Who are-- aah!

Oh, no!

Give me back my information!

Finders keepers, losers whiners.

And you'd just better get used to it!

But there's enough information
for everyone to share.

Not anymore, there's not!

I was once denied a library card

by an officious, small-minded bureaucrat!

So from now on,

I'm gonna control
all the information in the universe!

And I'm not sharin'!

You'll never get away with it.

Ha ha! No one can stop the Quizzler!

'Cause he's got all the answers!

Am I right?

Uh...

See? You don't have an answer!

'Cause I've got 'em all.

Bye now. Got evil deeds to do.

This is a job for Quailman!

I'll summon him using the hypersonic,
dual frequency,

effluvium-powered super signal.

[whistling really loud]

[whistling]

Hey, Quaildog, there's a personality quiz

in the new Hero Today.

"If you could be a tree,
would you be deciduous or evergreen?"

Hmm.

Evergreen.

[Patti whistling]

You're right, Quaildog.
It's the Quailcall!

Someone needs help!

Whoa-- aah!

Aah-aah-aah-aah!

[whistling continues] Oof!

Hah! Fly away!

Thank goodness you're here.

My lips are getting chapped.

A little lip balm should
fix that right up.

-Another job well done, Quaildog.
-Ruff! Ruff!

Now it's back to the thicket of solitude--

Uh... Quailman, there's one more thing.

Yes, Miss Mayonnaise?

The Quizzler is stealing
all the information in Megalopolis!

Stealing information, is he?

Hmm. He must have gone
to the public library.

How do you know he's
at the public library?

I simply used my Quail deductive powers

-and my Quail intelligence.
-Wow!

Besides, I can see the library
through his window,

and there's a super villain ship
hovering outside.

[Doug] Come, Quaildog!
We'll foil this wicked plan.

Stop your evildoing, Quizzler,

in the name of truth, justice,
and the way of the Quail.

Huh? Aaaahh!

Release my "Q," you fiend!

Not a chance,

Mr. Looks-ridiculous
with-a-belt-on-his-head!

-[thud]
-Huh?

[engine stalling]

Whoa!

Aaaah!

My Q-ship is malfunctioning again.

What the--

Mayday! Crashing! Help me!

Ooh!

Ooh!

Ooh!

This always happens right
after the warranty runs out!

Oh!

Problems?

Having some technical difficulties,
that's all. Go away!

Are you sure you know
how to work your ship?

Don't question me!

I got 98 out of 100

on the scholastic
Super Villain University Q-ship quiz.

Humph!

[turbines whir]

Never doubt the technical proficiency
of the Quizzler.

Huh?

Heh. Ahem.

[whistling]

Heh heh.

There she goes-- told ya.

Return our information right now,

-or answer to Quailman!
-Ruff! Ruff!

Hah! The Quizzler answers to no one!

'Cause I've got all the answers.

-What's that?
-It's my info-buster.

It fires deadly useless information.

Useless information?

That doesn't sound like fun.

It's fun for me!

[Info-Buster] Water is wet... wet...
Information is informative.

Shoes can be found on feet.

Action figures are always
sold separately...

Separately... separately...

Steve's middle name is
Inwood... Inwood... Inwood...

[Doug and Porkchop yelling]

Action figures are always
sold separately...

[Doug] Too much useless info...
Blacking out...

Must fight... fight...

[Info-Buster] Action figures are
always sold separately...

-Quaildog!
-Arrrooww!

My keen Quail intelligence tells me

we must fly against the current
of useless information.

Reverse the spin!

[Doug] Whooah-oh-oh-oh! Whoah! Oh! Oh!

[groans] He got away!

We need a clue.

Hmm... hmm... hmm...

Huh?

Rrrrr!

Excellent clue, Quaildog.

It's the Quizzler's super villain license,

complete with a bad picture
of the Quizzler.

"If found, please return
to the Fact Fortress--

Space station F."

Hmm. Let's see...

It should be someplace right about here.

Ruff! Ruff!

Oh. And there it is.

[Quailman reading]

Great grains of millet, Quaildog!

How will we ever get in?

This appears to be
a giant computer keyboard.

My Quail logic tells me

that we must enter an intricate
combination of letters

that, when pressed,

will result in the opening
of those massive doors.

Or perhaps we should
simply press the "enter" key.

Wow! Brilliant, Quaildog!

You are indeed a superhero's
super best friend.

Ruff!

Hmm. This super villain's lair

is certainly intimidating.

I wonder if anybody's home.

Hmm.

Yep, his Q-ship is outside,

Parked in a reserved for the handicapped
space docking station!

Only a true villain would sink that low!

He's gotta be around here somewhere.

Perhaps over by that big desk.

Quailman!

I see you've broken into

my now-semi-invincible Fact Fortress.

This is going on your permanent record.

-We've come to get our information back.
-Ruff!

Yeah? Well, you can't have it!

-You know why?
-No.

I knew you wouldn't have an answer
to that question.

-You know why?
-No.

Because I have all
the answers, that's why!

I'm the Quizzler, and I'm bad to the bone!

[laughing maniacally]

-Trapped!
-[yelps]

You trifled with the wrong super villain
when you trifled with me,

Mr. Truth-justice
and-the-way-of-the-Quail.

What are you going to do?

You're on super permanent detention,
mister!

And you have homework!

Homework?

Yes! Write a 15-million page report

on all the information in the world.

And it's due now!

-No way!
-Way!

I guess I'll just
have to show you what happens

to people who say no to the Quizzler.

Now experience the ultimate power
of the Quizzler!

Eh... what happened?

Who turned off the lights?

Oh. I did.

Sorry. Wrong button.

Now experience the really ultimate power

of the Quizzler!

[laughing maniacally]

No!

Huh?

Curses! Missed! Uh...

now experience the power of the Quizzler!

Now!

Whoa!

We're going to need a lot of Quail
patience on this one, Quaildog.

Whoa!

Aha!

Arrrgh!

Eh... almost ready.

Get back down there and tie yourselves up.

I've almost got this thing figured out.

You don't know much about
your fact fortress, do you?

Of course I do!

I passed the Scholastic Super Villain
University Fact Fortress final test

with flying colors!

Watch this!

This isn't good, is it?

What are we gonna do?

I don't know how to fly this thing!

You went to Scholastic Super
Villain University.

You passed every test you took.

How come you don't know anything?

I said I passed the test!

I didn't say I learned anything.

I cheated!

I am a villain, ya know--

Aaaahh!

Quick, Quaildog! The owner's manual!

We've got some serious studying to do.

Ruff!

Ruff!

Luckily, my Quail eye allows me to read
at super Quail speeds.

Fascinating. Hmm. Oh, I didn't know that.

Aaaah! Watch your head!

Whoops! Comin' through!

Ouch! Aah!

If I save your space station,
can I have all our information back?

Yes! Yes! Just save my fortress!

Hurry! It might be too late!

Ah! The blue button.

Guess I'm too clever for you,

Mr. Smarty-pants save-the-day-superhero.

I was just pretending
to panic and give up.

[Doug] Don't twist that knob!

Oh, yeah? Why not?

Don't have an answer for that one, do ya?

Ah! Wedgie!

[Doug] Told ya.

OK! OK! This time I really do give up!

It's my space station.

How come you can do all this neat stuff?

It's not fair!

-I studied the manual.
-Studied?

If you promise not to steal
any more information,

I'll help you study.

Oh! All right!

This learnin' thing is kind of fun.

And when you're done,
you actually know stuff.

Amazing.

You learned a valuable lesson.

You never learn anything when you cheat.

That's right.

And now, I know everything.

Uh, not quite everything.

No. Watch. By simply
pressing this green button,

all of the information will be restored.

D-aah!

Actually, it's the pink button.

[Mr. Bone] Maybe I'd
better study some more.

That's a good idea.

Something, something,
something, something.

Ssomething, something.

Oh! My news is back!

Ahem. This just in.

Quailman returns
all the city's information.

More at 11:00.

Keep studying, Mr. Quizzler.

Remember, you can't steal information.

You have to get it the old-fashioned way.

-You have to learn it.
-Uh-huh.

-Fly away!
-Ruff! Ruff!

[Doug] Now I knew what I had to do
with the S.P.I.T. test folder.

What is it you want, Mr. Funnie?
I'm a busy man.

Yes, well, today when I ran into you,

I accidentally picked up
some of your papers.

You're in big trouble, mister!

I-- I didn't read it.

Of course you did!

Now you know that S.P.I.T.

stands for Scholastic
Purchasing Interest Test.

No, I don't.

You know we're buying new books,

and this test will help us decide

which books to recycle.

Out with the old, in with the new.

No! I--

You know that students
will only have to answer

a few multiple choice auestions.

Mr. Bone, I didn't open the folder!

That's what they all say!

Now, Mr. Bone, do you really think

this young person would tell a non-truth?

Why, both his parents are
probably registered voters.

Isn't that right, Donald?

Doug. Uh... yeah.

Mr. Bone, just check the seal.

Seal? What seal?

You brought an aquatic animal in here?

He means the seal on the test.

That's right. All the tests are sealed,

just like votin' results.

Look. This young person never opened it!

You were lucky this time, Funnie.

I'll let ya get away with a warning.

A warning?

For what?

To never give up

the youthful ideals you've displayed today

and the moral victory
you've achieved here.

What moral victory?

Never mind that.

Just don't forget it.

You're the kind of young person

I'd like to have in my administration
someday, Donald.

-Doug.
-Exactly.

You know this reminds meof the time...

[Doug] So, Journal, I guess
I made the right decision.

I didn't cheat,

And I learned the S.P.I.T. tests weren't
anything to be afraid of.

They weren't until the next day,

but I felt like I already passed
the most important test.

Hey, man, you don't seem nervous about
the S.P.I.T. test anymore.

I'll do the best I can.

That's all you can do.

Besides, it's just another test.

Let's go, man.

Where to, the library?

How about Swirly's instead?

Cool, man. Ha ha!
Spoken like a true genius.

Fly away!

[theme music playing]

[scatting]