07x26 - Doug Plays Cupid

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[whistling]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

[chuckling]

[growling]

Hey! Hey! [screams]

[barking]

[whistling]

[groans]

[screaming]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

[swing jazz music plays]

Jeepers, Daddy. Lookin' sharp.

Wanna cut a rug?

Well, all reet.

Who could say no to a cutie patootie
like you?

[Skeeter] Hey, thanks, man.
You're pretty spiffy yourself.

Huh? Oh, sorry, Skeet.

I was thinking what I'd say

if Patti asked me
to the Bumpkin Day hoedown.

I bet she'd be proud to go

with any guy who called her a patootie.

I don't know. Having a dance
where the girls invite the boys

makes things so weird.

If Patti does ask me to the dance,

I want to answer in just the right way.

I know what you mean. I spent all day
figuring out what I'd say.

Hey, Skeeter. Want to go
to the Bumpkin Day hoedown Saturday?

Sure.

That's great.

I decided to go with
a minimalist approach. Ha ha.

I don't know. I don't think
that'd work for me.

Maybe I should just be honest and say,

"I've been hoping forever you'd say that."

Oh, man. Here comes Patti.

[to himself] I've been hoping
forever you'd say that.

I've been hoping forever you'd say that.

Doug, would you tell Ms. Kristal
I'm going home sick?

My stomach's feeling kinda gross.

I could barf any minute.

I'd been hoping forever you'd say that!

You have?

Excuse me.

Huh?

What'd she say?

[click]

That's me.

[whistling]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

So, Roger...

Any girls invite you to the hoedown yet?

You kiddin'?
Me, the Bluffington Babe magnet?

They all want to go with me.

So which one are you goin' with?

Well, so far

they've all been too shy to
actually ask me.

But that's just 'cause they know
I got high standards.

For one thing, I want a girl who's
richer than me.

Ohh.

But, Roger, nobody's richer than you.

Well... except Beebe.

And she's gotta be a real spark plug.

Somebody as bossy as I am.

[panting] Here go.

But, Roger, nobody's as bossy as you.

Well... except Beebe.

But most important,

she's gotta obey my every word

and worship the ground I walk on.

Ehh... you're right, Roger.

There ain't nobody.

What do you mean you're going
to the hoedown with Connie?

What about me? What about my needs?

We were dating!

But you broke up with me.

Oh, and I suppose you think that
lets you off the hook?

Skeeter Valentine, you stand still when
I'm yelling at you!

Well, Skeeter, you know what?

I was gonna make you a really delicious
meatball dinner, but...

Huh?!

Fellas, I think I'm in love.

Beebe? But you said you want someone

who'd obey your every word.

That's what you losers are for.

Come on! Back me up. I'm going in.

[sighs]

And don't you forget it!

Great, now who am I
gonna ask to the dance?

Oh, there's gotta be someone who's not
a total geek.

Ahem. Say, Beebe, uh,

shocking as it may seem,
I'm still available.

Let's see. There's gotta be someone.

Hmm.

Huh?

So, it looks like I'm gonna have to

find some way to make Beebe
notice my many outstanding qualities.

[foreign accent] You could be trying
the foolproof

Yakestonian method for cruising the foxes.

We are putting socks on ears, like so,

and swinging.

Next!

[humming] Hey, Fentruc.

Doug, how are you suggesting Roger may wow
his sugar pie of love?

Hmm? Oh, I don't know.

Why not just tell her you really like her

and treat her like she's special?

Funnie, you are a laugh riot!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Hmm.

See, I know women,

and they all want to be dazzled by
wealth and suavitude.

I just show 'em my toes.

Your toes?

[remarking about toes]

Hmm.

[boys continue chattering]

All right, what's going on in here?

We got a gym class to run.

What are y'all starin' at? [gasps]

[boy] Skunky's webbed feet.

Ooh...

Come on, Wallace.

We still have three more stores to get to.

Oh, yuck! What's Roger Klotz doing here?

Operation Dazzle Beebe is about to begin.

Hey, Beebe, look up!

Huh?

"Aks me ow Bleeby"?

What's that supposed to mean?

Roger, I don't have time for dopey games.

[Roger] You knucklehead,

I drop three grand
on your dumb skywriting,

and you don't even check my spelling!

[boy] All right, this is the place.

Quiet, you guys.

Oops! Aah!

Shh!

Shhh!

Why are we doing this?

Girls just eat this serenade stuff up.

That's Beebe's room up there.

You guys ready?

[mariachi music playing]

♪ Da la su apache ♪

♪ La mi a di pene ♪

[Beebe] Daddy, what's that awful noise?

[Daddy] Release the dobermans!

[dogs bark]

Hey, hey! Look out!

[high-pitched scream]

[dogs bark louder]

It was the weirdest thing.

There was a tuba just sitting on
the front lawn.

[Roger] Hey, Beebe!

Just picked up some new wheels.
Want a ride?

Roger, you're not old enough to drive
a motorcycle!

I'm not driving...

He is.

You want me to drive around,
getting bugs in my teeth?

No, thanks!

But that's the best part!

Ooh, rats! Oh.

-[engine starts up]
-Huh?!

-[high-pitched scream]
-[crash]

Mmm...

I just don't get it.

I try and wow her with suaviosity,

with cool wheels, with
romantic song stylings... Nothin'!

I mean, what does she want?

I don't know who to ask
to the dance, Sally.

I just want someone who really likes me
and treats me like I'm special.

Tell her you really like her and treat her
like she's special.

Joey Cucamonga, Funnie was right!

I gotta go see him now!

[humming]

Hello, Patti? It's Doug.

I was just calling to see whether
you're feeling better.

No, Doug, I'm about the same as I was

when you called 10 minutes ago.

Oh, OK. Well, I hope you feel better.

-I'll let you know. Bye.
-Bye.

-Still sick, huh?
-Yeah.

What am I gonna do, Skeet?

If Patti stays sick all week,

she won't be able to ask me
to the hoedown.

Look on the bright side, man.

She can't ask anyone else either.

Say, that's right.

And maybe by the time she gets better,

everyone else will already have dates.

She'll have to ask me.

-[doorbell rings]
-Huh?

Funnie, you're a genius.

How did you learn so much about women?

Whaaa?

Let's not waste any time.

We got work to do.

Funnie, I want you to turn me into the man
of Beebe's dreams.

Shape me, mold me,

make me as sappy as you are.

Hey!

I meant that in a good way.
Come on, Funnie,

I'll get you front row Beets tickets

the next time they get back together.

I'll buy you a new mountain bike.

Anything you want.

Just help me impress Beebe.

Roger, first of all,
I have no idea what you're talking about.

And secondly, Beebe used to go out
with Skeeter,

and I don't think--

Aw, he doesn't mind. Do ya, Valentine?

Um, no, man. Why should I?

You see? No problem.

So it's a deal. See you tomorrow, 4:00,

for our first session.

You be there, too, Valentine.

You can give us the scoop on Beebe.

Pfft. Typical Roger.

Like I'd actually help him get a date
with Beebe.

Why wouldn't you, man?

I don't have a problem with that.
Do you have a problem with that?

I don't have a problem with that.

Why shouldn't we help him date Beebe?

Uh...

OK.

The key to a perfect gainer

is to keep your legs tucked. Got it?

OK, everybody watch me carefully.

[grunts]

Now, did you see how I kept my--

Hey! Where'd everybody go?

Just what the molly malloy
is going on here?

Is this a gym class
or some kind of circus?

Ohh!

Those toes again!

So are you, like, part duck?

All right, whoop-de-do hour is over.

Beaumont, those toes are an incitement

to mayhem and tomfoolery.

From now on, no more sandals or bare feet.

You will wear socks,

and you will wear shoes at all times.

Is that clear?

Now, let's pretend I'm Beebe,

and you're picking me up for a date.

You knock on the door. Ready?

You betcha, teach.

I'm all set for my first lesson
in Beebe-ology.

OK, when I open the door,

you say hello and give me a compliment.

OK.

[knocking on door]

Why, hello, Beebe.

Say, you look real nice tonight.

You can hardly see those sweat stains
under your pits.

No, no, Roger! A compliment.

You're supposed to say something nice.

I thought I just did.

[sighs]

Try it again.

Hey, Beebe,

Great-lookin' sweat stains,

and they don't even stink.

-[chuckles]
-Roger!

Well, I can't help it.

You don't look nothin' like Beebe.

How's anyone supposed to think of Beebe

while lookin' at your pie hole.

Hey! I got an idea.

Now, that's more like it.

[Doug] I can't believe I'm doing this.

Come on, Funnie, I needed your help,

you're a nice guy,

and besides, how many times
have you seen me beg?

[mumbling] But this is so humiliating.

How do you think I feel?

I'm dating the ugliest girl in school.

Ha ha ha.

Thanks.

All right, now, you walk up to me

and say, "Beebe, may I have the pleasure
of this dance?"

Gimme a break.

Beebe's not gonna buy
something as antsy-fancy as that.

Would she, Valentine?

I really don't know, man.

Oh, all right, then. Here goes.

Beebe, may I have
the pleasure of this dance?

Why, yes, Roger. That would be lovely.

Now offer me your arm.

[giggles girlishly]

Oh, all right.

-[music plays]
-Whoaaaaaa!

As usual, I apologize in advance

for the tedium of my family's boring
suburban mise en scène.

Whoa!

Hmm, I see what you mean.

Feather boas are so passe.

Where's the eats?

I'm starving out here.

Roger, when you take a girl to dinner,

you're supposed to show
how considerate you are.

Now, when the food arrives...

All right! Gimme that.

No! No, no, no, no.

You pour her a glass first, then yourself.

For real?

OK!

Pfffft!

Yuck!

Roger, how am I supposed to
teach you anything

when you're not taking this seriously!

Look, Funnie, sappy is one thing,

but we're talkin' complete dorkarola here.

This stuff's too much.

Beebe's not gonna go for a total wimp.

Is she, Valentine?

Why do you keep asking me?

Beebe and I only went out, uh... I mean,

if I knew what made her--

Oh, forget it, man!

What's his problem?

Talk about thin-skinned.

Oh, man. Talk about thick-headed.

Huh? Hey, you talkin' about me?

[Roger] So you really think
this polite act

is gonna make Beebe like me?

I don't know. But it sure beats
spitting in her drink.

Uh-oh.

It's Maryann Pinefresh.

She doesn't have a date
for the hoedown yet.

What if she invites me?

I gotta stay free for Patti.

Not to be insulting, Funnie,

but I don't think you got much
to worry abou-aahh!

[both] Huh?

Hmm?

[Roger and Doug] Aah!

Whoa, sorry, dudes.

I thought you were Coach Spitz.

I just had to set my little webbed friends
free for a while.

Yeah, I heard about the shoes and socks,
Skunky. Bummer.

Hey, if I was you, Beaumont,

I'd march right up to that blowhard

and give him a piece of my...

Money.

Can I get ya a 5? Or how 'bout a 10?

All right, Beaumont,

I want socks and shoes

on those non-regulation feet right now.

And don't let me see even one little piggy
going to market,

you hear that?

Now, move it, move it, move it, move it!

There she is.

Do your thing.

Ohh, here goes nothin'.

Hee hee hee.

Beebe, my, but you look enchanting today.

Pray, allow me to offer you a seat.

Roger?

Uh, I'll just take this one.

Oh, I beg your pardon.

Did you prefer that side of the table?

Is there some foodstuff I can get for you?

Anything your heart desires.

It would be my pleasure.

Nay, privilege to obtain it for you.

OK, Roger. Just what is going on here?

Why, nothing more
than two irrepressible youths

exchanging pleasantries
on a fine spring day.

Awful lot of weather
we're having, n'estez-paz?

I do hope it'll be fair for the hoedown.

Roger, if this is some wacko scheme

to get me to ask you to the dance,

you can just forget it.

But, Beebe, you gotta ask me.

You just gotta!

I changed my whole personality.

I can't get any sappier than this.

What more do you want?

Roger Klotz, why on earth

would I ever ask you to the--

[giggling]

Oh, Skeeter.

[laughing]

It would make Skeeter jealous
and get even with him for taking Connie.

Hmm...

You may pick me up tomorrow night at 8:00.

OK.

Yes!

Ha! What'd I tell you, Funnie?

No one can resist the old Klotz charm.

Howdy, partner.

The name's Sidewinder.

You know, this mirror ain't big enough
for the both of us.

[doorbell rings]

I'm coming.

Ooh.

Great bumpkin outfit.

Listen, Skeet, I'm sorry about Roger.

I shouldn't have gotten you mixed up
in anything to do with Beebe.

Hey, man, don't sweat it.

Me and Beebe are ancient history.

Ha ha ha... Hey, is my tie straight?

I wouldn't want Beebe-- uh, Connie,

to see me at the hoedown
with a crooked tie.

Looks straight to me.

-Can I use your phone?
-Sure.

Hello? Oh, hi, Mr. Mayonnaise. It's Doug.

I was just calling to see whether
Patti was feeling better.

She is?

She did?

Oh, OK. Thanks, Mr. Mayonnaise.

Bye.

What's the news, man?

Patti felt better,
so she went to the hoedown.

She must have gone with...

another guy.

[country music playing]

You are such a great dancer.

Oh, I think you may be
the man of my dreams!

And just think, if Doug Funnie
had been around,

I might have been stuck dancing with him.

[Doug] Mmm...

All right, move it along.

There's laws against being this pathetic.

Perfect.

[country music playing]

Beebe, I must tell you
what a great honor it is

to be your date this evening.

May I be so bold as to check your coat?

Why, thank you, Roger.

My pleasure.

Isn't it great?

The gym looks so beautiful and rustic.

Yeah, whatever.

[sigh] I wonder if Beebe's here yet.

Come on, Skeet. Let's dance.

Oh, OK.

[gasps] Uh-oh. There's Patti.

I wonder who she's here with?

Hey, Doug.

Hey, Patti. I'm glad you're
feeling better.

Yeah, it was really last minute.

The decorations sure are nice, huh?

Yeah. Oh, they're great.

[both] So, who are you here with?

Nobody. I just...

[laughing]

By the time I decided to come,

it was so late I figured everybody
already had a date,

so I just came on my own.

Oh, well, I was waiting...

That is...

I don't have a date, either.

Well, since we're both here alone,

we might as well hang out together, right?

Sure.

Great dance, huh?

Now for the real fun...

A stink b*mb!

Roger Klotz, absolutely not!

You will not ruin this dance
while I'm here with you.

Oh, all right. No stink bombs.

Huh?

Listen up, people.

Who's ready for a bite
of the traditional farmyard cream cake?

[chuckles]

[beeping]

But I didn't say no water balloons.

Huh?

Ohh...

I...

Doh...

Roger, noooo!

[whinnies]

Whoa!

Whoa!

Aah!

Oh...

I gotta be me!

Oh, yeah? Well, then you gotta be history,

'cause this date is over!

OK, Mr. "throw a water balloon

and make me fall down,"

you're in big trouble now.

I only invited you to make Skeeter
jealous anyway!

Hey, Beebe. Ha ha.

Oh...

It is my pleasure to announce

the highlight of every
Bumpkin Day hoedown,

the barefoot step-a-roo!

Yay! Yay!

Huh-huh-huh, cool.

Go, Skunky! Go, Skunky!

Go, Skunky! We want the toes!

Not so fast, Beaumont!

I said I want those toes kept under wraps.

Coach Spitz, man...

Just because my toes are webbed

is no reason to keep me

from barefootin' like any other kid.

Like, everybody in the world
is different, you know?

And, sometimes, that'll cause problems.

But the fault for that
lies not in our differences,

but with those who allow prejudice

to overcome their faith in the humanity

of their fellow... Like, man.

We are all born with the right

to dance the barefoot
stomp-a-roo, Coach Spitz!

Would you dance it with me,
fellow human dude?

[sobbing]

[all cheer]

[chanting in Yakestonian]

Oh, Connie, would you be caring to
stomp-a-roo with me?

Oh, Fentruc, I would so love to!

Nice socks.

Looks like we both lost
our dance partners.

Yes, we did.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

[Doug] So, journal,
everything was back to normal,

and I think we all learned
a really important lesson.

Namely, like Skunky said,
be who you got to be.

Oh!

Ha ha ha ha!

Huh?

[Doug] Although Roger might
want to work a little

on who he's got to be.

Unless he wants to spend
the rest of his life

in detention.

Hi, Skunky. Want to dance?

I've been watching you since kindergarten.

Hey, he's mine!

Uh, like, sorry, girls.

I came with a date.

Say, uh, Skunky,

I was wondering...

have you and your friend here
thought of signing up for the swim team?

Huh-huh-huh-huh.

[theme music playing]