07x07 - Doug's Dream House

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[whistling]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

-[chattering]
-♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

-[chuckling]
-Pfft.

[growling]

[screaming]

[yelping]

[whistling]

[indistinct talking]

[screaming]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

[Doug] Dear journal

it started like any other week.

Skeeter and I were making plans

to track down the lucky duck monster

With a little help from the sleeches.

Thirty one.

No, no, no. 31.7.

Ah.

Is it just me, or is building
a submersible

out of junk totally impossible?

[all] It's you.

Hey, we can do it easy with junk parts.

Plus, I believe we still have
some spare plutonium.

-Sheer atomic buffoonery, sibling.
-What?

We need the cold fusion capability

of our surplus particle accelerator.

[Doug] It was just a simple phone call

but one that was about to turn

my whole world upside down.

Hello?

Hey, Theda, listen.

I gotta go out of town to a seminar

and I want to know if you could
do me a huge favor.

We'll get this thing
built in no time, man.

No, no problem at all.

Bye.

Oh, Douglas?

Yeah, mom?

One of your friends
will be staying with us for a week.

Skeeter?

Hoo hoo!

No.

Not Ned Coffee again.

No, not Ned Coffee.

-Ventra?
-No.

-Chalky?
-No.

Patti. Patti Mayonnaise.

Oh.

[Skeeter] Doug? Doug?

Doug, are you OK?

[footsteps]

[whistling]

-Good-bye, Doug.
-Bye, guys.

I couldn't believe it.

Patti was gonna be under
my roof for a whole week.

I wanted everything to be perfect.

Just perfect.

Oh, this couldn't be more
perfect, Quailman.

I think I could spend
my whole life with you.

Hey, nice thinking.

Well, Judy's off visiting Grandma Funnie.

-So I guess Patti can stay in her room.
-Great.

And before Patti gets here

don't you think you'd better
clean up your room?

My room?

My room!

Oh, no!

Oh, I could spend my whole life with you.

Aah!

Huh?

Yuck! But not here.

What a pig sty.

You can just fly me
right out of here, mister.

I gotta clean my room!

Oh, man. It's worse than I thought.

Man, the things a guy has to go through

to get his room presentable
for the girl of his dreams.

Who's pants are these, anyway?

What?

[gurgles]

Dirt Bike, this is not the time.

Underwear. Oh, no!

Patti will know I wear underwear.

Ew, dirty socks.

I've got to destroy all my socks.

And there's dog hair everywhere.

Just look at you!

You're covered with it!

[barks]

Comic books.

There's nothing here but comic books.

Porkchop, quick!

I need smarter books.

Can I borrow some of yours, buddy?

-[doorbell rings]
-[gasps]

Oh, no. Too late.

She's here already.

[Mrs. Funnie] Well, hello there, Patti.

Welcome to our home.

[Patti] Hello, Mrs. Funnie.

I've got more stuff...

[mumbling]

Whoa.

Oh, hey, Doug.

Aah. H-hey, Patti.

Gee, Doug. Your room is pretty clean.

I thought guys were supposed to be messy.

-Well, ha ha. I'm not a guy.
-What?

Messy. I'm not a messy guy.

Hey, what's this?

[gasps] Journal!

Porkchop, get over here.

No!

-Doug?
-Uh, it's nothing important.

Let me show you to your room, dear.

See you later, Doug.

Must hide journal.

Reveals true love.

Got to hide it someplace safe.

Perfect.

-[honk honk]
-[Skeeter] Hey, Doug.

Hmm?

-Oh, hey, guys.
-Hey, man.

I got some parts
from my dad's old tug boat

and we can start putting our sub together.

No time, Skeet. Patti's here.

And I've gotta spend every minute
making things perfect for her.

Oh. Well, uh, OK. That's cool, man.

We'll let you know when it's ready.

[struggling]

Aah!

[complaining]

[humming]

Why, hello, Patti.

Hey, Doug.

What are you all dressed up for?

Dressed up? Oh, this?

This is how I always dress at home.

O... K.

What's that you're reading?

It's the constitution.

I'm just looking it over.

Working out a few kinks, you know.

Oh.

Are you comfortable enough?
How 'bout a pillow?

I'm fine.

Oh, I insist. Here, have mine.

Doug, you really don't
need to do all this.

No, no, as a guest in our home

I want you to be completely comfortable.

How 'bout a little more light?

Aah. Doug, please.

Sorry. Sorry.

That's OK.

-Mmm.
-What?

Uh, perhaps you'd enjoy some music?

Doug, really--

[Doug] I love Polish music.

How 'bout you, Patti?

[classical music plays]

I love ch-ch, ch-cha-Chop-in.

He's the most significant of all

the Polish born and bred
composers whose work...

uh... contributed daring harmonic
expansions for the piano.

Hey, Doug. Time for one
of your favorite shows.

Family food fight.

Uh, ha ha ha.

That's my dad, always kidding.

Of course, we never watch
anything but public television.

That's it. I've had all the fun
you can have quilting.

And does grandma think you have to
put prunes in everything?

Oh. Hi, Patti.

Hey, Judy.

Ha. Halloween already, Dougie?

[classical music playing]

Hey. Who said you could borrow my CD?

But, Judy, I love Chop-in.

He's the most significant--

[Judy] ...of all the Polish
born and bred composers.

I know, Doug. That's what it says
on the CD cover.

And by the way, it's pronounced "sho-pan."

Exactly. I love Polish music.
Don't you, Patti?

Oh, dear. If Judy's home early,
we're short one room.

Mrs. Funnie, I don't mind
sharing a room. Really.

I mean, if that's OK with Judy.

Oh, I'm sure it will be.

Great. It'll be fun.

I'm sure we'll have lots
of things to talk about.

[Doug] Lots to talk about? Oh, no.

What if my sister was about to divulge

my most humiliating secrets to Patti?

And Dougie slept with his
little stuffed monkey

Monk-monk, until he was seven.

Ah ha ha ha ha ha.

Oh, and by the way

he's also totally, completely

and hopelessly in love with you.

[gasps] No!

No!

You can't stay in there.

I mean, you're our guest.
You need your privacy.

Aah!

You can have my room.

I'll sleep in the garage.

Or in the bathtub.

Or with Porkchop.

Oh, Doug, what's the matter with you?

I'll be fine.

[Judy] Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

[Patti] He did that?

Sorry, Dougie. Girl talk.

[echoing] Girl talk. Girl talk. Girl talk.

[girls laughing]

Judy was talking about me.

I just had to hear what she was saying.

[rip]

Oh, man.

You know, Patti,
despite the fact that he's my brother

in his own weird way,
Dougie actually isn't so bad.

Yeah, we have a lot of fun together.

He can be a real cr*ck-up.

Aah!

[both scream]

[both coughing]

Uh...

[both] Doug!

Ha ha. Well.

That will have to be fixed.

Ladies.

[sighs]

[Doug] OK, so Judy hadn't
spilled the beans.

And I made a complete fool of myself.

There was always tomorrow.

Tomorrow was another day.

Maybe I could convince Patti

it had all been a bad dream.

I sat up all night trying to figure out

how to make a better impression.

[alarms buzzes]

[groans]

I finally decided the best thing to do

was relax and let nature take its course.

[Judy] That's OK, Patti,
you can use the bathroom first.

[Patti] Thanks, Judy, I won't be long.

Bathroom. No!

I've got stuff in there.

Tubo' Tan, Zit-away,
He-Man paste-on chest hair

No Nose Hair, Wart Be Gone, rubber duck.

Aah.

-[shower water runs]
-[Doug] Aah!

Huh?

[gasps] Doug!

What are you doing here!

Well, this baby's
in perfect working order.

Yes, sirree.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

Aah!

You need a towel?

[growling] Doug!

[Doug] At lunch that day I decided

I'd better find Patti and apologize.

It was a great party.

Oh, my dad had his own sushi chef

flown in from japan.

Wow. I've always wanted
to try Japanese food.

[Doug] Uh, hey, Patti.

But Patti wasn't very interested
in hearing my apology.

[nervous chuckle]

Hey, man. Our submersible's
ready to launch.

Tonight we get up close and personal

with the Lucky Duck Monster.

Forget the monster, Skeet.

I really messed up.

Patti won't even talk to me.

Probably ever again.

[slurping]

Oh, sure she will.

Hey, she has to come back to your house
for dinner, right?

[ding] Dinner!

That was it.

I decided to make it up to Patti

with a dinner she'd never forget.

[Patti's voice] Wow. I've always wanted
to try Japanese food.

Hyah!

[giggles]

You honor me by enjoying
my humble presentation.

Oh, Doug-san, you're so groovyaki.

So, you gonna help us
launch our sub tonight?

I can't. I'm gonna make Patti dinner.

Oh, and by the way, Skeet

you're a genius.

Yeah, I know.

[slurping]

[Doug] I was determined to make a dinner

that would make
such a good impression on Patti

any bad ones would be totally forgotten.

OK, it wouldn't be
a romantic dinner for two

'cause my folks would be there

but at least Judy had a date that night.

Thanks for all
the gourmet cookware, Porkchop-san.

Smells yummy.

Need any help in here?

No, thanks, Mom.

Well, Douglas, I think your making

a Welcome Patti dinner
is a wonderful gesture.

[Phil] I'm starved. Where's the chow?

Uh, Dad, you're not
gonna wear that, are you?

Wh-what?

I never ate dinner in my bathrobe before.

It's for Douglas, dear.

Sorry I'm late, y'all.

Soccer practice ran long and...

Hey, what's going on?

It's a Japanese dinner, dear.

Really? I hope you're not
going to all this trouble on my account.

[Doug] Not at all.

Friday night is always exotic cuisine

and cooking night at the Funnie house.

-It is?
-Dad...

-Oh.
-Tonight is Japanese night.

But I'm not really dressed for it.

No need to worry.

Take off your shoes and relax.

I'll pour some green tea.

It's a Japanese tradition.

Sushi and teriyaki steak
coming up next. Aah.

So far, things seemed
to be going very well.

You keep an eye on that steak.

I'll get the sushi ready. [gasps]

This stuff is alive!

Good idea. Go with the avocado rolls.

I'll make more rice.

Just a few more minutes.

[Mr. Funnie] Don't worry, son,
we'll keep Patti entertained.

Uh-oh.

[plays Oh, Susanna]

Oh, no. Faster, Porkchop, faster.

It's a Japanese tradition.

The presentation is everything.

Whoo!

[glass breaks]

[gasps] aah!

Arigato, Porkchop-san.

And now, teriyaki steak
cooked on the hibachi.

Aah. Doug!

Sorry. That marinade is slippery.

I'll get it.

Ha ha. Oops.

Doug, I've suddenly lost my appetite.

No, wait. We still have avocado rolls.

[Mrs. Funnie] Now in this picture

I'm giving the little guy a bath.

Oh, no! Baby pictures.

Isn't that the cutest little rear end
you've ever seen?

[Patti laughs]

[Doug] Mom, no!

Aah!

Mmm. Oh.

Not bad.

Doug, tell me I do not
have a squid on my head.

Uh, no...

It's an octopus.

Whoa.

Aah!

Part of the japanese tradition, dear.

Let's just go with it.

That's it!

Thanks for your hospitality,
Mr. and Mrs. Funnie

but I'm just not comfortable

being under the same roof as your son.

I'm gonna call my dad

and see if I can spend
the rest of the week

at Beebe Bluff's.

Patti, wait!

We still have green tea ice cream.

[submarine horn honks]

[Skeeter] Dive! Dive! Dive!

Man, I can't believe we built a submersive

out of recyclables.

[gasps]

[all gasps]

Whew.

Hey, man, you decided to join us.

How was dinner?

A disaster. She's leaving five days early.

Skeeter, I don't get it.

I tried everything I could to impress her.

I tried being sophisticated.

I tried being smart.

I even tried being Japanese.

Hmm. Have you tried being yourself?

No, that would never work.

It's always worked before.

I don't know, Skeet.

Well, what have you got to lose?

[Doug] Skeeter's advice
may have been good...

But it looked like I was too late.

[sighs] She's gone.

Not now, Porkchop,
I'm not in the mood to play.

Patti, you're still--

Doug Funnie, why have you
been acting so weird?

Uh, it's just...

I wanted to impress you.

-How? By throwing an octopus on my head?
-Well, I--

By spying on me in the bathroom?

I wasn't spying, Patti.

I... I had all this
embarrassing stuff in there

that I didn't want you to see.

And I was trying to hide it

but you came into the bathroom and--

Why would you care if I saw your stuff?

I don't know, Patti.

I got all nervous when you came over.

I really wanted
to be the kind of guy you would like.

But you always were
the kind of guy I would like.

I was?

Sure. Why do you think we're friends?

Gee. Yeah.

Patti, please don't go.

I'm sorry for the way things turned out.

I just... I wanted your stay here

to be something you'd never forget.

Well, it was something
I'll never forget all right.

[both laugh]

I'm sorry, Patti.

That's OK, Doug.

[sniffs]

Pee-yew!

Where have you been?

Come on. I'll show you.

OK, turn right here.

No, no. Left.

You distinctly said right.

I meant right here you should turn left.

That's ridiculous.

You're ridiculous.

You are the quintessence of tomfoolery.

[Al] Stop using my words!

-All this navigational hunk of humbug.
-Humbug?

If the hump fits...

Uh, hey, hey, hey, guys. Guys!

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

[Doug] What happened, guys?

Did you find the lucky duck monster?

No, man. Our navigational system
hit critical meltdown.

You make a mockery of
the nautical sciences.

Me? You're the one who steered us into
algae-encrusted doom.

-Did not.
-Did so.

-Did not.
-Did so.

Did not infinity.

Did so infinity!

-Well, anyway, guys...
-[still arguing]

Guys, thanks for saving me.

-Your fault.
-Your fault.

Huh? We thought you saved us.

Well, then who?

[gasps]

[all] The monster!

[Doug] I couldn't have been happier

than if I had seen the lucky duck monster.

Those last five days were
the best in my whole life.

And I learned that
I didn't have to be smart

or sophisticated or even
Japanese for Patti to like me.

All I had to be was me.

[closing theme playing]