07x06 - Baptists, Catholics and an Attempted Drowning

[bunniefuu]

Good morning.

[GRUNTS]

Since when do you drink coffee?

Since I didn't get any sleep last night.

Aw, honey. Bad dreams?

I wish. I had to hear
people doing it all night.

Oh.

You heard that?

Yes, and it was disgusting.

I'm sorry.

It's just that your father and
I were apart all summer...

Oh, my God. I was talking
about Mandy and Georgie.

Oh. Right.

Ew! You were doing it, too?

Well, it's... different.

Your father and I are married,

so when we're... amorous...

I don't want to hear about this.

[GEORGE SR. YAWNS]

What's for breakfast? I am hungry.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Nope.

[SIGHS]

- What's her problem?
- MISSY: Thin walls.

[SIGHS]

She heard Mandy and Georgie...

- You know.
- Oh.

[GROANS]

At least she didn't hear us.

[SIGHS]

♪ Nobody else is stronger than I am ♪

♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪

♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪

♪ I am a mighty little man ♪

♪ I am a mighty little man. ♪

You need to talk to your son.

About what?

I'm not sure I'm comfortable

with him and Mandy being intimate.

They have a baby, Mare.

You're a little late to the party.

But, now, they are
living under our roof,

and they are still not married.

[SCOFFS] This again?

I am serious.

We have teenagers living in the house.

What kind of example are they setting?

Same example you were
setting last night.

- We are married.
- And they're engaged.

Well, what are they waiting for?

Why are you asking me?

We have to say something.

Or we mind our business.

It is a sin, George.

And like a good Christian,
I choose to forgive them.

Cheers.

[SIGHS]

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- MARY: Hey.

You two decent?

MANDY: Yeah, come on in.

Oh, hi, sweet girl.

She keeping y'all up?

Oh, no, she's a good sleeper.

- She gets that from me.
- [CHUCKLES]

So, uh, what's going on?

Well, I want to talk to
you about your wedding.

Uh, what about it?

When's it happening?

Oh.

Well, honestly, since
the tornado and moving,

we haven't really given it much thought.

Of course, that makes sense.

So, let's think about it now.

What's the rush?

Well, you're living together,

sleeping together, doing...

other things together.

Told you we were being too loud.

I'm ticklish, I can't help it.

- [SIGHS]
- Okay. I just think,

if you're gonna be doing that,

you should be married.

I thought when you got
married you stop doing that.

No, in fact... Don't change the subject.

I'll get the monitor and the
computer, you get the printer.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- Don't forget the modem.
- SHELDON: Mm.

I thought you were in school.

Oh, I was.

Evan and I just came
here to get my computer.

I'm guessing this is Evan.

- Yes.
- Isn't he great?

Uh, Shelly, we're kind of
in the middle of something.

Oh, still? I was hoping we were done.

No, not done.

Just pretend we're not here,
as I'm doing with you.

I mean, she does have a point.

What are we waiting for?

I guess nothing.

Okay, then.

- Let's plan a wedding.
- SHELDON: Wait, a wedding?

Does that mean I have
to be the best man?

No, Sheldon.

Okay. But I am the best,

and I am a man, just listen to my voice.

Okay, I'll do it.

- Can I come?
- Sure.

- No.
- No.

Aw.

[DOOR OPENS]

- Hi.
- This is a nice surprise.

- Mom around?
- Why?

I'm not looking for a fight.
I just have a wedding update.

Mm, sounds like fighting words to me.

- Dad.
- Audrey!

Mandy's here. She says she's
not looking for a fight.

- Hello, Amanda.
- Hi, Mom.

[SHIVERS] Just get chilly
in here or what? [LAUGHS]

- Mm.
- MANDY: Just wanted you both to know

that, uh, Georgie and I
are gonna be going down

to City Hall next Friday, and
I was hoping you'd be there.

City Hall?

Is that really what you want?

Well, it's not our first choice,

but, you know, after the tornado,
it's kind of all we can afford.

'Course we'll be there.

If you want a bigger wedding,
we'll pay for it.

What? I-I thought you
were too embarrassed

for us to have a big wedding.

Excuse me, I'm j... I'm gonna, uh...

AUDREY: I don't want to argue.

I just want to be part of
my granddaughter's life,

part of your life.

And Georgie's?

Mm-hmm.

And if a big wedding is what's
gonna make you happy,

then I want to do that for you.

- Okay, what's the catch?
- No catch.

And if you want to get
married at City Hall,

that's fine, too.

Dad, Mom's being weird.

JIM: I'm not here.

I just...

I just want to make
things right between us.

Okay.

Thanks.

So what happens now?

I'm not used to ending a conversation

where one of us doesn't storm out.

How about a hug?

Okay.

Oh, that is weird.

Yeah, it was real nice of you
two to pay for the wedding.

Well, you know, parents of the bride,

- tradition.
- Yeah.

If you need us to help out
at all, we can kick in.

- No, we got it. [LAUGHS]
- Good, 'cause we can't.

It's okay. I get to walk my
daughter down the aisle.

- Can't put a price on that.
- Mm. Yeah.

I was real happy to hear Mandy
and her mom are getting along.

Oh, me, too.

You know, I wouldn't say
this to either of 'em,

but they're both a little, uh...

Willful?

- Sure, let's go with willful.
- [CHUCKLES]

I'm so glad they're
having a real wedding.

- Mm.
- I got married at City Hall,

and I've always kind of regretted it.

We went all out.

I had a gown made special in Dallas

with shoes to match,

and a white cowboy hat
with a rhinestone brim.

Oh. You must've been so beautiful.

Did Jim wear a tux?

Probably. I don't really remember.

Do you think Mandy'll let us
help her pick out a dress?

- I hope so.
- Mm.

When she was a TV weather girl,

you wouldn't believe
the outfits she wore.

Oh, I'm sure she looked cute.

Maybe if she was doing the
weather on the street corner.

Oh, my.

Well, I'm sure she'll dress
modestly for church.

They are having a church wedding, right?

Oh, they are definitely
having a church wedding.

That is one thing I am not budging on.

Good, you and I are both
on the same page there.

In fact, I already talked
to Father Donovan.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Oh.

Uh, is that your father?

No. [LAUGHS] He's our priest.

Oh.

So, you think they're getting
married in a Catholic church?

Well, of course, we're Catholic.

Oh.

Well, Mandy said that you don't
go to church that often, so...

how Catholic could you be?

That's a funny question

coming from a woman who
left her own church.

I went back.

And... my granddaughter is
not gonna be raised Catholic.

She's gonna worship Jesus, not the Pope.

We don't worship the Pope.

Well y'all sure bought
him a pretty fancy car.

You want another beer?

Hang on.

Yes.

[LAUGHS]

You people don't even dance.
What kind of a wedding is that?

It is about the union of two souls,

- not doing the hokeypokey.
- Well, George,

- it was nice while it lasted.
- AUDREY: Hell of a lot more fun...

- Yeah, you take care of yourself.
- ... than a reception

- with no alcohol.
- All right.

That's all you people
care about, drinking.

Jesus drank wine!

Well, he probably had to to
put up with people like you!

[SCOFFS]

She just thinks she can take
over the whole wedding.

Well, they are paying for it.

So they can just buy CeeCee's soul?

- No, no, no, you're right.
- [SIGHS]

How can you be eating right now?

I was up at 4:00 a.m.
spritzing this thing.

Come on, try some.

I'm not hungry.

You sound hungry.

Fine.

- [DOOR OPENS]
- Okay, it's delicious,

but it doesn't change anything.

Ooh, smells good.

Hey, where are my folks?

Oh, what'd she do?

I-I don't want to put you in the middle.

Great. I'm gonna make a plate
before Dad finishes it all.

What? I... There's 14 pounds.

We're saying the same thing, big boy.

MARY: It's just...

Your mother's trying to get
you to do things her way,

and I... want you to have
the wedding that you want.

Which would be the
wedding that you want.

Or do we want the same thing?

- [STAMMERS]
- MANDY: Spit it out, Mary.

[SIGHS] Your mother is insisting

that you get married
in the Catholic church.

And you want us to get married
in the Baptist church.

It's an option, but anywhere is fine.

Is it?

Yeah, but you can't drink and dance

- at a Baptist wedding.
- Was I talking to you?

[WHISPERS]: Dumbass.

It's just a little water on her
head, it's not a big deal.

Sure.

Um...

It's your wedding, it's your child,

if you are okay, I'm okay.

I'm okay.

Then I'm also okay.

MARY: Hi, Pastor Jeff.

Can you come over right now?

I need you to save someone's soul.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Whose soul needs saving?

Is it Sheldon?

- I've been waiting for this.
- No. We're still praying for him.

Come in, we don't have much time.

- What's going on?
- Mandy and Georgie are out,

so I was hoping that
maybe we could sneak in

an early baptism for CeeCee.

You know we don't do infant baptism.

Yeah, yeah. But I'm afraid
that if we don't do it now,

CeeCee's gonna end up... Catholic.

They do love to get 'em early.

Yes. Come on.

Do you trust in Jesus Christ

as your personal Lord and Savior?

[COOS]

Close enough.

It's on your profession of
faith that I baptize you

in the name of the Father,

- Son and the Holy...
- Hey.

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- Hey, sweetie. How was school?

What's going on here?

- Just washing CeeCee's hair.
- Mm.

With Pastor Jeff?

It takes a village.

Whatever.

- [WHISPERS]: Go, go, go, go.
- ... and the Holy Spirit.

- Amen.
- [GASPS]

In your face, Catholics.

You know, I was thinking,
for your something old,

you could wear my veil.

You know, Georgie's 11
years younger than me.

I-I think I am the something
old. [CHUCKLES]

Don't worry.

When he loses all his hair, he's
gonna look way older than you.

Aw.

Thanks.

Hey, would you be upset
if we didn't get married

by Father Donovan?

Did that woman convince
you to get married Baptist?

She says it's not a cult,
but I'm not so sure.

No, no. We're just... We're
thinking maybe no church.

It's just causing fights, and
Georgie and I don't really care.

What about CeeCee? Aren't
you gonna get her baptized?

I don't know. Maybe when she's older.

If that's what she wants.

It's your wedding.

Whatever makes you happy makes me happy.

Thanks, Mom. That means a lot.

Look at that sweater.

That would look so good on you.

Actually, that is cute.

- You should go try it on.
- You think so?

Yeah. I'll watch CeeCee.

We'll go do a lap around the park.

Really?

Here. Take my credit card.

It's on me.

Thanks.

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

♪ ♪

- [PANTING]
- I baptize you in the name of the Father

and the Son

and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Amen. [PANTING]

Here's a little something for you.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

- This is delicious.
- Mm.

- You should've tried it two days ago.
- [CHUCKLES]

I wanted to. But, instead, we left.

[LAUGHING]

- That's all in the past.
- Right.

It was silly of us to put
our stuff onto the kids.

[CHUCKLES]: It's their wedding.

Weddings make everyone crazy. [CHUCKLES]

They're also a celebration of love.

Sure.

Well, whatever they decide with CeeCee,

- that is up to them.
- And the Lord.

- Amen.
- Amen, indeed.

- [LOUD CLACKING]
- [GRUNTS]

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- Shelly, everything okay?

No, it is not.

Both my computer and my
trust have been betrayed.

Okay. Well, we-we're with company now.

You can fill us in later.

I won't ruin your dinner
with the suspense.

Evan upgraded my computer.

Oh.

That sounds nice.

He didn't even ask me.

- Is it better?
- It's different.

What kind of person takes something
that doesn't belong to them

and changes it behind their back?

Well, m-maybe he thought

he was doing the best
thing for your computer.

It's my computer. It should
have been my decision.

I don't even have a
room to storm off to!

[CLACKING]

He gonna be okay?

Oh. Tonight, sure.

Big picture?

ADULT SHELDON: I've got a
hot wife and a Nobel Prize.

I turned out fine.

Hey. You need a hand?

Oh. Yeah. Thank you.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Sounds like things went
better with my parents.

Yes. All good.

We were both being stubborn before.

Yeah, I know this is hard, but...

thank you for letting us make
our own decisions for our kid.

Mm-hmm.

- [CLEARS THROAT]
- You okay?

Yeah, yeah. Mm.

But, um... there's something
you should know.

CeeCee...

accidentally got splashed here
in the sink this morning.

So what?

Uh, Pastor Jeff did the splashing

while he was baptizing her.

[GASPS]

[STAMMERS] That's all.

Can you believe it?

I'm not surprised she would
do something like this.

But don't worry...

I was one move ahead.

What does that mean?

It means my granddaughter's
soul is safe.

What did you do?

Is that the sweater I bought you?

Oh, it looks so cute.

What did you do?!

- I baptized her. Grow up.
- [GASPS]

Hey! Thought I heard you... Okay.

MANDY: And they both
went behind our backs.

I mean... [SCOFFS] can you believe that?

Well, my mom's pretty religious,
so that makes sense.

And you're just... okay with this?

Is it that big a deal?

They sprinkled some water
on CeeCee's head

and asked God to look out for her.

- Where's the harm?
- Do I have to explain it to you?

No.

But could you?

They're making decisions about
our child without talking to us.

That's totally unacceptable.

I'm right there with you. Not cool.

Okay, so what are we gonna do about it?

Well, I'm gonna talk to both of 'em

and make it real clear
there'll be no more baptizing.

We are done with that.

I forget sometimes what a child you are.

You know, when you say
hurtful stuff like that,

you sound a little like your mother.

Say that again.

Kind of wish I never
said it the first time.

Mm-hmm.

[QUIETLY]: Why do I even talk?

ADULT SHELDON:
Evan upgraded my computer,

which made it smarter.

There was one problem...

the darn thing was smarter than me.

COMPUTER VOICE: Check.

- [GROANS]
- [DOOR OPENS]

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

Mandy and I had a little disagreement.

I'm giving her some space to cool off.

That seems wise.
You can be quite annoying.

I thought you were staying at your dorm.

I was. My roommate violated my Tandy.

Who's Tandy?

Oh. That's sick.

That's what I said.

Mind if I crash here tonight?

I do.

Yeah, well, I'm crashing here tonight.

Fine.

Let me ask you a question.

Can you un-baptize somebody?

Well, since it's a magical ceremony

that doesn't mean anything,
then, sure, why not?

In the name of science and
reason, I un-baptize you.

No, not me. Put it back.

Oh. Okay.

Control-Z. You're baptized.

Thanks.

And it's not for me.
It's for my daughter.

Mom baptized her in the kitchen sink,

and Mandy's mom did it
in a Catholic church.

Sure. Baptists versus Catholics.

Much blood was shed
over that in the 1500s.

They did it without telling us.

- Rude.
- Anyway, Mandy's on a warpath,

and all they were trying to do is help.

Well, you're lucky it was just
a baby and not a computer.

It don't look broken.

- "Doesn't." And it isn't.
- "Ain't."

Point is, my roommate
went behind my back.

Did he at least mean well?

Absolutely. He's a nice fella.

Then what's your problem?

I'll show you.

[CLICKS MOUSE]

COMPUTER VOICE: Check. Checkmate.

Computer wins.

And it's set to novice level.

I don't understand a damn
thing I'm looking at.

I'm not a lawyer, but you
could make the argument

that my child was kidnapped, twice.

And you'd think Georgie
would be on my side,

but he wasn't even upset.

Well, you know, sometimes
men can be... idiots.

Lovable idiots.

Look, they crossed the line,
and there is no defending that.

- Thank you.
- You know,

sometimes grandparents just think

they can do whatever they want.

- And they can't.
- That's right.

Great-grandparents, on the other hand,

well, they get a free pass.

'Cause they got one foot in the grave.

Take a break.

So, what am I gonna do?

I mean, I live with Mary, and...

I'm stuck with my mother.

Well, there have to be consequences.

Maybe you could start

by cutting off access to
CeeCee for a little while.

Yeah, but then I have no babysitters.

Well, let's keep thinking.

Unless you two are volunteering.

Keep thinking.

[KNOCKING]

- Morning.
- Morning.

What do you want?

I brought you some flowers.

You didn't have to do that.

I had to do something to apologize.

For?

For... not being on your side?

Attaboy.

Thank you.

Y'all got anything going on today?

Not much.

Well, I had a nap on the docket.

How do you feel about
coming down to City Hall

to witness me and
Georgie getting married?

- We're getting married?
- Shh.

What about your parents?

Well, you're the one that said
there had to be consequences.

So we're really not
gonna invite our folks?

Is that okay?

Mm, I guess the only person
I need there is you.

Oh. A spite wedding.

I had one of those.

Shut up. Let me get my purse.