Melissa & Joey is recorded iin front of a live studio audience.
Just think, Lennox, now, thanks to Costco, we can cross toilet paper off of our checklist till the year 2035.
I don't know, Aunt Mel, you did buy a lot of fiber bars.
(Glass breaks)
Ryder: Ow!
Okay, you better go help Ryder with that case of light bulbs.
Hey, oh, good. You're home.
Joe, how are your eyes?
Perfect.
Damn! I just bought 24 pairs of reading glasses.
Why would you do that?
Because they're cheaper by the case.
And because I imagine us growing old together.
I like the sound of that. And you know what?
I can top it. You know how you've been saying lately that now that we're a couple I should think of our house not just as your house, but as our house?
And that, you know, I should feel free to put my little personal touches everywhere?
Yeah, and I meant it, sweetie.
Well, the universe must have heard you because you are not gonna believe what my mom just sent me.
All right, babe, I want you to say hello to the newest addition to our living room.
Hi.
You recognize this chair, right?
This is my grandmother's chair.
Sure, yeah. And as I recall, that's the one she d*ed in.
It is. It is.
This the very spot my Nona took leaving nothing here, but her.. Cold lifeless body.
Now the chair's ours!
You know, Joe.
I really don't deserve this.
(Theme music plays)
♪ I guess you're stuck ♪
♪ with me. ♪
So I guess my mom finally started to divide up all my grandmother's things.
And it was her special bequest that this chair go to me.
Well, it certainly is a large bequest.
You know, my grandmother used to keep a bunch of stuff in this chair.
You know, normal grandma stuff, like her...
Her poker chips, and her flask, and, uh...
You know, her, uh... wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Yup, her switch blade.
This takes me back.
You never told me. Was your Nona a shark or a jet?
Hey, look, I know you spent a lot of time decorating this room and the whole look of it is... it's a big deal to you.
Oh, it's not that big a deal.
It's just like a window into my soul.
I just want you to know that now that this chair is in here, I really feel like it's my home too now.
I thought you felt at home when I added this adorable baby picture of you and your mom.
And that was very nice of you to do that, but like I told you before, that's my brother.
No. No, no, no. It's you.
But, honey, this chair here is very important to me 'cause, honestly, this chair is very symbolic of our whole relationship because if it wasn't for my grandmother and this chair, you and I would never have gotten together.
That's why it's so special to me.
Oh, well, if it's special to you, then it's special to me.
Oh, yeah, you can really smell the specialness.
Ready, dude?
Yeah, dude.
What's going on with you two?
You guys are suddenly best dudes?
I just need his help to move some stuff.
And Ryder's the strongest guy you know?
Sadly, yes.
All my friends are artists so amongst my peers, Ryder's a gorilla.
Oh, you know what? Honestly, I believe that judging by all the hair he leaves in the shower.
Look, look, want to be technical about it, he's not helping me move. He's helping Jordan move.
She just bought a new bed.
Oh, that's right.
You have those girl roommates with beds they need moved.
Shouldn't their boyfriends do that?
They don't have boyfriends.
Well, we should go.
We don't want to keep the girls waiting.
Oh, yeah, all right. Let's go lift some stuff.
Why is Ryder so excited about lifting things?
I can't even get him to pick up his own socks.
They're helping move furniture for Zander's helpless and obviously manipulative female roommates.
Hmm, one might say you are displaying some possessiveness about a certain ex-boyfriend whose name begins with Zander.
Okay, for the record, I have no feelings for him.
I don't care what he does with those harlots.
"Harlot"? That's highbrow for skank.
Anyway, it doesn't matter.
Okay, he can go over there and move whatever he wants.
I got something that needs moving.
It's in the living room. It's the color of hummingbird vomit.
And it's already k*lled once.
Okay, if the chair bothers you so much, what is it doing out there?
Well, Joe is very attached to it.
It's the very spot where Nona went to heaven.
(Groans) Why couldn't she have taken it with her?
I'll tell you why. Because heaven is a beautiful place and they don't sit around in crap like that.
But you let Joe believe you were okay with it?
Well, I kind of half-smiled and he saw a whole smile.
Oh, so you faked it and he believed you.
It's not the first time I've faked it with Joe.
No! No, no, no, no, no.
When I tasted the smoked duck he made...
Okay, "hmm, smokey and ducky."
So, um, how are you gonna fake your way through that photo sh**t on Sunday?
Oh, is that magazine guy coming here on Sunday?!
Um, that's what it says.
It says, "'Toledo Living' is looking forward to taking a peek into Councilwoman Mel Burke's beautiful home to get to know her unique sense of style."
Boy, you know the timing of this is pretty funny.
In a sad, un-funny way.
Ugh! The chair!
Hey, I'll give you 50 bucks if you set it on fire.
Okay, really? That's the best you can come up with?
Okay, 75.
Why don't you just ask Joe if you can move it out of the living room for a couple of hours?
What? You mean be honest?
Yes.
Okay, I'll try it, but only because I'm desperate.
Jordan, your bed is all set up.
Yeah, you should probably call the furniture company 'cause they obviously gave you way too many screws and brackets.
Thanks so much, you guys.
Do you mind if we pay you in last night's pizza?
Oh, sure. Score.
Wow, Zander, I don't think I've ever actually seen you sweat before.
It must be all that heavy lifting.
Well, fortunately, I have an extensive background in construction.
In middle school, I built my own Sydney opera house entirely out of popsicle sticks to scale.
That was cool.
So, Ryder, what's your story?
Hmm, not much to tell really.
I'm a senior this year.
And I have no idea what I'm doing after graduation.
Life after college is kind of a void for me too.
Good thing I have two more years to figure it out.
Ah, college... no, no. I'm actually...
A senior in college. Yes!
Yes, and not knowing what the future holds is really part of being a senior in college, like myself.
Yeah, it's pretty stressful for my older buddy, Ryder.
So what's your major again, old-timer?
Oh, you know.
Um, political...
Biology.
Sounds interesting.
So relieved you think so.
I'm a dancer.
That's great.
I think I've used up all the words in my head.
Oh, hey, I almost forgot.
There's one more thing in my bedroom that I need you to move. Do you mind, Ryder?
Well, actually, I'm already feeling kind of sore from the...
Um, yeah, no.
I've heard nothing relieves muscle pain faster than heavy lifting.
I learned that in college in, um, advanced...
Psycho... zoology.
You should know I'm not looking for anything serious.
Okay.
I can fix that.
Or it can wait.
Hey, I just got your text. What's up?
Yeah, I just wanted to ask you something.
It's, you know, not a big deal, just a small request.
I'm not gonna b*at around the bush.
I'm just gonna come right out and say it.
When's that gonna be, exactly?
You know how that guy from "Toledo Living" magazine is gonna come over for the photo sh**t?
Well, it's happening this Sunday.
Think you're gonna get to your point by then?
Well, I was thinking we could use those big, old sexy biceps of yours and maybe move Nona's chair out to the garage just temporarily.
What are you talking about?
Your big, old sexy biceps.
I don't understand. What's wrong with the chair?
Nothing. Nothing at all. The chair is perfect.
It's just... you know, does it really have to be here "all the time"?
Why did you just air-quote that?
We could just take it out for the photo sh**t.
And who knows. Maybe it'll be happy out there and want to stay.
Ah, okay. I see what's going on here.
You know, you talked about how important Nona's chair was to you, but really you were just swallowing your feelings like, um...
Oh, I don't know. Smoky duck!
(Gasps) You knew?!
Of course I knew! I could see you choking on my duck.
You could barely put my duck in your mouth!
Look, I was just trying to make you happy.
Oh, you hate this chair! You want it out of here.
It's just a chair.
No, it's not.
It's a piece of me. As a matter of fact, it's the only piece of me in this entire room!
No, that is so not true.
We have this lovely portrait of little baby Joe.
That's my brother!
Joe, the chair just doesn't fit here.
You know, you talk about us building a life together, but you only want it on your terms.
Joe.
No, forget it. You know what?
Fine! I'll get the chair out of here.
It'll be gone before Sunday. And in its place will be a nice big empty space to remind us of the gap between you and me.
So we're good?
You know, Zander, I just...
I think you really missed with this one.
Cassandra's just been betrayed.
Her face should be a mask of shock and disgust.
Okay, like what? Can you show me?
That's more like a mask of constipation.
Look, Lennox, I really just don't know what look you're going for.
(Door opens)
Oh, hey, guys.
Hey, Joe, where did this awesome chair come from?
It's great, right?
Yes, it's so cozy.
It's like sitting in a hug.
Well, maybe you could tell someone else who lives in this house just how great you think that chair is.
You know someone d*ed in it?
They must have d*ed happy.
Well, don't go falling in love with it, Zander.
I'll be getting rid of this chair tomorrow morning.
That's right, this unappreciated cherished memento of my childhood...
Well, the chair is going. You must be happy.
You'd think? Normally, I'm a big fan of getting what I want, but, you know, Joe's guilt trip is ruining the whole thing.
Relationships, you guys are so lucky you broke up.
Oh my God, am I sitting on a Kn*fe?!
Nona was pretty gangsta'.
Ryder: ♪ I'm making a late-night snack ♪
♪ 'cause I'm hungry, yes, I am. ♪
Is that Ryder singing?
Yes, he's been doing that non-stop since he helped your roommate move her bed.
It's just constant singing and dopey grins.
It's like he's the lead in a horrible, horrible musical.
You know, "The Book of Moron."
♪ I'm using the yellow mustard ♪
♪ 'cause there's no Dijon. ♪
Okay, do you have any idea what that's all about?
Yeah, he had sex with my roommate.
(Gasps)
Oh, that's the look you were going for.
Shock and disgust. Don't move a muscle.
Okay, and where were you when this hookup happened?!
Well, I was in the kitchen doing dishes with Chris 'cause it was my night.
Actually, it was sort of Ryder's night.
Okay, the whole situation in that house of yours is completely sleazy: Random hookups, hot tub parties, girls all over the place hitting on you... him! Hitting on him!
How could you let my little brother get corrupted?
♪ Who's taking a bite of this sandwich? ♪
♪ it's me, Ryder! ♪
Hey, it seems like he's handling it pretty well.
Zander, my man!
Up top!
Hey, listen, I got a question for you.
I've been trying to get a hold of Jordan.
And she's not responding, so how many times an hour should I be texting her?
Ryder, have you thought of the possibility that maybe she's not into you as much as you're into her?
No, you weren't there.
Trust me, there is no way that she does not want another helping of Ryder lovin'.
Oh God, I really hope you didn't text her that.
You know, man, if I were you, I would just maybe wait until she makes the next move.
I mean, okay, but, I mean it sure is weird that she hasn't texted me yet.
You know what? I'm gonna go upstairs because there's better reception.
I'm actually gonna go sit by the router.
� Sitin' by the router �
� waitin' for my girl. �
Jordan's never texting him back, is she?
No, she's already moved on, twice.
This is all your fault.
You have to tell him that it's over, that your roommate has moved on to her next dance partner.
Yeah, but when I tell him, there's gonna be tears.
If you don't tell him, there's gonna be tears.
(Groans) Stupid, stupid chair.
(Television music plays)
Sofia: Don't touch that dial.
I'm watching my stories.
Nona, you're here.
(Bubbly) I mean, hi, Nona, it's me, Tiffany!
I know it's you, Mel.
I'm dead. I see everything.
Okay, well, I swear I was only in that handicap parking space for like three minutes, tops.
Oh, knock it off.
I've got a bone to pick with you.
Why can't you accept my chair?
You know, it doesn't really go with the rest of the room.
Plus, you kind of d*ed in it.
People do worse things to furniture every day, especially in hotels.
Never... never touch the comforters. Ugh!
I knew it.
You must accept the chair into your house the same way you accepted my Joey.
Have you accepted my Joey?
I've definitely accepted Joe.
I think I've accepted Joe.
Have I accepted Joe?
Ah ha, now we're getting somewhere.
The first step in accepting my Joey is to sit in this chair.
Well, I can't because you're sitting in it.
I'm a ghost. Watch this.
Watch what?
Boo!
(Screams)
(Laughs) That never gets old.
Nona, how is sitting in your chair gonna help me accept Joe?
(Deep-pitched) Sit in the chair.
Sit in the chair.
Why are you talking like that?
I'm trying to sound like a ghost, but it's not really me though.
Sit in the damn chair!
All right, all right, I'll try.
I can't! I can't! Don't make me!
Oh, Joe, wake up. I just had the worst dream.
And you'll have much worse if you don't accept my chair.
(Screams)
Hey.
Hey, what are you still doing up?
Oh, I just had the worst nightmare.
Nona was a ghost and she was trying to force me to sit in her chair.
And then she got in bed with me.
Well, you know what Freud says about sex dreams.
Okay, it was not a sex dream.
But I think Nona might be right.
I don't know if I've totally accepted Joe into my life.
Well, if she's right, then you better go sit in the chair.
Lennox, if a beloved dead woman couldn't get me to sit in it, you really think you can?
Okay, let's just take your wine and walk ever-so-slowly into the living room.
Come on, come on. Come on.
Follow the wine glass. Follow the wine glass.
All right, now, I want you to close your eyes and imagine yourself in your furniture happy place.
Ooh, ooh, oh, "Crate and Barrel."
Yeah, they have those oak nesting tables.
Okay, imagine yourself running through a field of oak nesting tables.
Oh, are they on sale?
Sure.
You can open your eyes now.
Oh, look at that.
I did it.
Hey, you know what? This chair isn't half bad.
It's actually pretty comfortable.
Oh, and it reclines.
Wow, you know, I think I can accept this chair.
Joe means that much to me.
All right, let's see what this baby can do.
Okay, Joe's gonna think I did this on purpose!
No because you don't hate the chair anymore.
Yeah, but he won't know that.
Well, maybe Joe won't know it was you.
Hello, it's red wine!
I might as well have written "Mel was here" on it!
I'm gonna go get some sponges and soap.
Yeah, and a hair dryer, quick!
What the hell's going on in here?
I can hear you guys all the way up in my...
What'd you do to my chair?! You ruined it!
No... it was an accident.
Oh, come on.
It was. I swear. I had accepted the chair.
I sat in it voluntarily. Okay, you know what?
I'm gonna take the cover off, put it in the bathtub, and I'll scrub it till my hands bleed.
Just let go of it, all right, you chair k*ller.
This thing needs to be professionally cleaned.
Wine stains are my specialty.
I once got wine off a dog.
Mel, just let it go!
No, no!
Would you let... let it go!
I got it.
I said...
Both: Look what you did!
What? You tugged it last.
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold up.
Hold up, Mel, look at this.
Oh my God, there's got to be like $10,000 in here.
And there's a note.
"Dear Joey, there's $10,000 in here..."
There's...
"All for you.
You were always my favorite grandson and I didn't want any of my leech relatives getting it.
Take this money and throw away the ugly chair. Love, Nona."
Can you believe this? She must have sewn the note and the money inside the chair.
Well, how were we supposed to find the note?
I don't know. Clearly, she didn't have all the details worked out, hon.
Or maybe she did.
You know, Nona came to me in a dream last night.
And, um, told me that the only way I could accept you in my life was to accept her chair.
That's what I said.
Yeah, but it's got more oomph when it comes from a ghost.
I see, so now you're taking all your relationship advice from ghosts?
Well, they see everything.
You know what? She was right.
I think this chair can stay here.
Honey, I got to be honest with you.
I only liked the chair because I thought Nona liked the chair.
That ugly piece of crap has to go.
I've never loved you more.
What I have to say might be upsetting.
So I'm just gonna come out and I'm gonna say it.
Jordan's not into me.
It's about Jordan. She's not...
Okay.
Good. Go... you know what man?
I'm so sorry. She's just like that.
And it's all my fault.
I should never have let you two get involved.
So it's okay if you need to cry.
I won't judge you.
No, no, I don't... I don't really need to cry.
Look, man, I've been there.
Ryder, your... your feelings for a girl can last long after a relationship is over.
You say you're fine and then every time you see her, you work with her, you find yourself scrolling through all the photos on her timeline at 1:00 am.
That's... that's when you realize you're...
You're not over her. You're not fine at all.
Yeah, uh, listen.
I've only known Jordan a couple of days, but, look, I promise. I'm gonna be fine.
Good?
Hey... hey, you know what?
You just stay strong, brother.
Stay strong.
Oh, okay.
I will.
You know what? Thank you, buddy, for helping me through this rough patch.
Any time, man, any time.
I couldn't have done it without you.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Hmm, bye-bye, chair. We'll miss you.
Really?
Where am I gonna keep my switch blade?
So what are you gonna do with the money?
Don't you mean "what are we gonna do with the money?"
I've been thinking about this, hon.
I think we should take the money and we should both get something for the house.
Something that we both like.
Aww, Joe, that's so sweet.
Oh, I know just what the living room could use.
What?
A brand-new Italian leather purse.
And I know just where to find it!
Italy!
I like that, but you know what I think would look good in there... how about this?
A motorcycle with two helmets.
Yeah, no.
All right, fine. I have another idea.
What about if...
I don't think so.
You didn't even hear what I was gonna say.
I'm trying to be considerate.
I don't want to waste your time before I say "no" again.
I swear, it's like we're already married.
(Static)
Well, what just happened?
Oh, the cable went out. The company's so "you got to pay your bill on time."
Now what do we do? Watch "Avatar"?
It'll look great on my phone.
(Laughs)
Oh, I bet we can think of something better to do.
Like what?
Like this.
Okay, okay.
(Laughs)
What's wrong?
Nothing.
Nothing... that was great. That was really great.
It's just I don't think that we should do this 'cause we're roommates.
Does this have anything to do with your ex?
No. No, no.
Well, if you change your mind...
You know where I live.
I'm... So messed up.